Yucks Digest V3 #21 (mixed nuts)

Yucks Digest                Wed, 16 Jun 93       Volume 3 : Issue  21 

Today's Topics:
                       A pizza that bites back!
                          a valuable spy...
      From a speech that Jim Cannavino gave yesterday at Comdex
                       Hacking the White House
                HWRNMNBSOL's Summer Energy-Saving Tips
                I never did care much for Corn Flakes
         More Dungeons and Dragons DANGERS Revealed (2 msgs)
                       No charge for admission!
                  Only 200 years to buy insurance??
                      Quote of the day (2 msgs)
                       Sabre-Toothed Guinea Pig
                        spare ribs, anyone...
                     Thank God For Jurassic Park!
                      The book I just finished.
                           the flintstones
                       Today's Internet Lessons
         Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time (Answered!)
                         unix under pressure
                          Your dog shot here

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: 10 Jun 93 17:57:59 GMT
From: (null) lost in editing
Subject: A pizza that bites back!
Newsgroups: rec.humor

The Chicago Tribune, Thursday, June 10, 1993, issue reports that Kalamazoo,
Mich., health officials have shut down Jake's Pizza after discovering the
remains of a puppy in its freezer.

This followed the release of 30 live dogs and 2 cats from a cramped garage
next to the pizzeria after a Treasury Department deliquent tax seizure.

I guess that explains the "pupperoni" pizza offered on the menu, as well
as the "felinettucini arfredo".

[Hmm, can one order the pizza using PostScript?  --spaf]


Date: Sat, 22 May 93 14:58:58 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: a valuable spy...
To: eniac

>From the cypherpunks mailing list, I got the following short message:

   From: uni@acs.bu.edu (Shaen Bernhardt)
   Date: Sat, 22 May 93 14:02:51 -0400

   Ego + Espionage = Death

Taking other well-known identities:

Silence = Death

Energy = Mass x Speed-o-Light^2 

and the assumption that the energy of one's ego cannot exceed one's
maximum potential energy (which has great explanatory powers re. the
Limbaugh Effect).

I get:

	Silence = Ego + Espionage
		<= MC^2 + Espionage

solving for Espionage,

	Espionage >= Silence - MC^2

which raises some interesting points:

	1. Espionage can be measured in existing SI units, thus
	2. Espionage is a creation of the French

Item 2 is supported by the following etymology

    espionage (es pi o nage; es p <y3> <en> <x2> <en> n <adi> azh <y1>, -
    nij, es <y 1> p <y3> <en> <x2> <en> n <adi> azh ) n.  
    1 n.
            the practice of spying on others.
    2 n.
            the systematic use of spies by a government to discover
            the military and political secrets of other nations.
            <x4> F espionnage, MF espionage, equiv. to espionn(^B er)(to)
            spy(deriv. of espion spy <x4> It spione <x4> Gmc; akin to
            G sp <adi> ahen to look out) <u6> - age - AGE

Further anecdotal support - the French use an unbreakable code in most
of their communications.  A clear affront in the face of the
government's Clipper Chip proposal that all encrypted messages must be
based on a key escrow system.

Of course, the French could go far to mollifying U.S. intelligence
interests by supplying either their Platinum-Irridium Espionage
standard, or adopting a U.S. approved cipher system.  For the latter,
I think the US would be happy to approve "rot13" for export.

--Pat "McElwaine, without the caps"


Date: 11 Jun 93 04:31:28 EDT (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: ihuxi!walsh

Many people don't know that the great American composer George Gershwin
loved computers. But his brother, Ira, hated them. That is why Ira took
all of George's songs and changed the titles and words. The original
titles include:

I Got Algorithm

They Can't Take That Array From Me

I Got Plenty O' Debuggin'

The Mainframe I Love

A Foggy Database

Our Love is Here to Stack


and, of course, the all-time classic:

Rhapsody in Boolean


Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 09:19:22 EDT
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (David James)
Subject: From a speech that Jim Cannavino gave yesterday at Comdex
To: eniac

Date: Wed, 26 May 93 08:54:21 EDT
> But while, "Client-server is hot, real hot, to most people it's as
> clear as mud. Real mud. It's like the man who sued his wife for
> divorce. The judge asked for grounds. He said about three acres,
> mostly woods. Do you have a grudge, the judge asked? No, just a
> carport. Does your wife beat you up? No, I get up before she
> does. Exactly why do you want a divorce, the judge continued. We
> just don't communicate.


Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 11:34:02 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Hacking the White House
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

|Date: Tue, 01 Jun 1993 21:24:36 -0500
|From: sjc (Steve Chapin)
|Subject: bill & all send email...
|To: bala@research.att.com
|bredbeddle : host whitehouse.gov
|bredbeddle : fing @whitehouse.gov
|[fing: cannot read response]
|bredbeddle : telnet whitehouse.gov
|Trying ...
|Connected to whitehouse.gov.
|Escape character is '^]'.
|Connection closed by foreign host.
|Dang.  Finally another machine that might rival Spaf's as a cracker
|target :-)  Downright unfriendly people, though.

Well, now we get:

hostname:user[102]>finger president@

        Finger service for arbitrary addresses on whitehouse.gov is not
supported. If you wish to send electronic mail, valid addresses are

Unless Algore or socks has joined the yucks list,
I'd guess this was a result of direct feedback from
the usual NSA monitoring of the net - Spaf, aren't
you glad to be so widely read?

[You don't know how accurate you are.  I know of Yucks subscribers who
work for several of the 3-letter agencies.  They, however, are funnier
than one would expect (having met most of them in person).  It never
fails to amaze me when, at conferences or speaking engagments, people
I've never met and would otherwise respect :-) come to me and mention
"Yucks".  I'm sure this is more widely read than any of my research
papers!  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 11:03:46 EDT
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (David James)
Subject: Headlines...
To: eniac

>From the clari.local.pennsylvania group:

Subject: Moon man faces more sex charges

        Edward Moore Jr. of Moon Township was arrested on charges of sexual


Subject: Man charged in cereal killing

        PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- Police say an argument over a bowl of cereal led
to a murder in North Philadelphia.


Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 18:34:05 -0400
From: mgfrank@avernus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Subject: Hmm
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>

Somehow, this seemed appropriate for yucks.

--- Forwarded mail 

From: mgfrank@eldersburg.avernus.com (Marc G. Frank)
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 18:05:40 +0000
Subject: Hmm

You know, in retrospect some really odd things were said at lunch today
that just didn't seem *right*, kinda surreal, you know what I mean?

So I came to the obvious conclusion: the Romulans are beaming messages
directly into my brain.  Then I thought that maybe they weren't
transmitting them -- maybe they inserted a neural implant and I either
didn't know it or my memories were erased!

My next idea -- and this is the really spooky one -- was that maybe none

Say, you don't happen to know how to say "Computer, end program!" in
Romulan, do you?  Then again, if my suspicions are correct, you wouldn't
give me the right answer anyway.


Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: caz@owlnet.rice.edu (HWRNMNBSOL)
Subject: HWRNMNBSOL's Summer Energy-Saving Tips
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1993 21:18:22 GMT

Well, friends, summer is here again, and so are the newbies.  And with
newbies comes additional killfile operation, and hence higher processor
activity, and thus elevated electric bills.  Some folks pay doubled energy
expenses during this time of year, and all because school's out.

However, all is not lost.  Simply by applying the basic concepts of common
sense, frugality, and Zionist usury, you can keep your energy bills to the
bare minimum.  Here are ten hints to help you pave the way towards a happier
checkbook, an environmentally-sound household, and larger pectoral muscles:

       1) Before leaving the house: Did you unplug the Particle Accelerator?

       2) Hot showers waste energy!  Try licking yourself clean, or rubbing
            ice cubes on your genitals.  

       3) Turn off your high-voltage fence in broad daylight.  The muties
            will not attack then, as the sun hurts their eyes.

       4) Encourage wasps to nest in your meter.  

       5) Air conditioners are inefficient users of power.  Try purchasing
            a troupe of dusky Kushite slaves with palm-fronds.

       6) Try milking the goats by hand!  It's fun, it's easy, and it's arousing
            as all-get-out.

       7) Those gosh-darned kids always leave the front door open!  This time
            of year, it's easiest and most economical to simply kill them.

       8) Pushing hairpins into the wall sockets can be fun and stimulating,
            but it will cost you -- DON'T !!!

       9) When leaving a room, turn off *all* vibrators.

      10) Never leave the house.  Seal all doors and windows with putty.  Live
          off the roaches in your walls.  Breed a closed society of fleshy-
          headed mongoloids who never will know of the outside world.  By the
          time you expire, your skin a nauseating fish-belly white and dappled
          with sores the size of olives, they will worship you as a God, AND
          your power bill will be zero as they will have cut you off.

Finally, if you are a newbie, try to do your part for your biosphere by not
posting.  Not only are you wasting valuable power and resources, but you are
costing the net untold millions of dollars.

puttin' up the lava lamp 'til winter


Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 13:11:13 -0700
From: wisner@nkosi.well.sf.ca.us (Bill Wisner)
Subject: I never did care much for Corn Flakes
To: eniac

In the middle 1800s, a Sylvester Graham led one of the first health-food
crusades in this country.  He thought that bad health was related to sexual
excesses such as intercourse more than once a month, masturbation, and erotic
dreams, all of which were caused by eating rich and spicy foods.  These foods
"increase the concupiscent excitability and sensibility of the genital
organs."  The antidote he prescribed was a vegetarian diet of plain and
boring foods, one key element of which was coarse, whole-wheat flour.
Although you have probably never heard of Mr. Graham, you have undoubtedly
tasted a processed and sweetened version of his attempt to reduce sexual
excess -- the graham cracker.

Graham wasn't the only nut rolling around in nineteenth-century America; many
others were also concerned about curbing sexuality.  John Harvey Kellogg
gained a reputation both as a nutritionist and a sexual adviser.  He thought
sex the ultimate abomination and remained chaste even in marriage.
Masturbation was the worst sin of all, "the vilest, the basest, and the
most degrading act that a human being can commit."  In his view, it led not
only to the usual stuff like tuberculosis, heart disease, epilepsy, dimness
of vision, insanity, idiocy, and death, but also to bashfulness in some
people, unnatural boldness in others, a fondness for spicy foods, round
shoulders, and "acne, or pimples on the face."  Kellogg introduced a number
of foods designed to promote health and decrease interest in sex,, one of
which he called Corn Flakes.  The rest, as they say, is history.

-- Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., "The New Male Sexuality"


Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 12:08:42 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: lump
To: spaf

From: kouichi@betelgeuse.iesl.mit.edu (Kouichi Suzuki; NTTDATA)
Newsgroups: athena.forsale,ne.forsale
Subject: Moving Sale
Date: 14 Jun 93 11:17:04
Organization: IESL/MIT (from NTT DATA)

I'm selling the following furnitures and others.  If interested,
please send a reply, call me or visit my office.  The price does not
include shipping cost.

16. Side Table		 $35.00
17. Lump		  $5.00 ea. (I have three.)
18. Hair Dryer		  $7.00 (1500W)

[23. Cyst.  Good condition.  $2.00 --Pat]


Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1993 19:24:47 GMT
From: drieux@wetware.com (drieux, just drieux)
Subject: More Dungeons and Dragons DANGERS Revealed
Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,rec.games.frp.misc,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.computers

In article 1474@spectrum.xerox.com, robinson@rx.xerox.com (Guy Robinson, ESDC) writes:
>I first played in 1978 when I was 11 and this activity encouraged me to become
>an academic and later graduate with a degree in Computer Science.  With this degree
>I am now payed far more than I would have expected from my some what humble working
>class background.  I am now 26 and I seldom play role playing games today, partly due
>to my recent marriage, but I acknowledge their contribution to my career.

So You are Admitting that there is a DIRECT CORRELATION
between being Entrapped in the SATANIC KULT RITUALISM of D&D
and your Decision to become involved in "computer science"
with its "computer wizards" and "demon process" and OTHER
CLEAR and Heinous ToolsOfSATAN[tm]!!!!!!


ps: You wouldn't happen to weigh as much as a duck now would you?


Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1993 04:42:53 GMT
From: int720n@lindblat.cc.monash.edu.au (Aaron 'Wigs' Wigley)
Subject: More Dungeons and Dragons DANGERS Revealed
Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,rec.games.frp.misc,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.computers

drieux, just drieux (drieux@wetware.com) wrote:
: So You are Admitting that there is a DIRECT CORRELATION
: between being Entrapped in the SATANIC KULT RITUALISM of D&D
: and your Decision to become involved in "computer science"
: with its "computer wizards" and "demon process" and OTHER
: CLEAR and Heinous ToolsOfSATAN[tm]!!!!!!

Just a nice little digression, let me show you a nice little story:

It's apparently from a magazine called "Unix Review"..

Linda Branagan is an expert on daemons. She has a T-shirt that sports
the daemon in tennis shoes that appears on the cover of the 4.3BSD
manuals and "The Design and Implementation of the 4.3BSD UNIX Operating
System" by S Leffler, M McKusick, M Karels, J Quarterman, Addison-Wesley
Publishing Company, Reading Ma, 1989.

She tells the following story about wearing the 4.3BSD daemon T-shirt:

Last week, I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering
hole" in Texas to pick up a take-out order. I spoke briefly to the
waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls,
I was approached by two "natives." These guys might just be the original
Texas rednecks.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind if we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee ma'am. Are you sure about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and
said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is
watching Geraldo."

"Hmm. Intersting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord

I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene - then I
stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure
enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish-looking creature that has
for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system.
In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when people
show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's
sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating - uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys
could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "UNIX" I
would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress noticed my predicament - but
these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was
look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchemn.

Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd
leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and
they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food
before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves
by talking to each other.

Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really
blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this 'kind of
computer.' Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very

Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another BIG boo-boo.

Native: "And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. Your tax dollars never entered the picture at
all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen
would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."

Texas. What a country.


Date: Wed, 16 Jun 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: larry@bbn.com (Larry Denenberg)
Subject: No charge for admission!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says "Sorry, bud,
you need a tie for this place."  Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages
around, but there's no necktie to be found.  Finally, in desperation, he
takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and
lets the ends dangle free.  Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in.  But don't start anything."


Date: Fri, 11 Jun 93 10:47:06 EST
From: (null)
Subject: Only 200 years to buy insurance??
To: faculty, staff

------- Forwarded Message

Geologists Study Earthquake Cycles in Midwest, New England           May 31
  Baltimore, Md. (AP) -- New studies suggest there is an enormous earthquake
along a Midwestern fault at least once every 1,000 years and a major quake in
New England about every 4,500 years.
  Researchers attending the American Geophysical Union national meeting here
told AP that recent studies are giving a greater understanding of the rate of
seismic activity along the New Madrid fault of the Midwest and of the
earthquake potential in the six New England states.
  "This meeting is presenting new evidence that a large earthquake has
occurred about every 1,000 years along the New Madrid fault," said Eugene
Schweig of the U.S. Geologic Survey in Memphis. "That hasn't been all that
clear until recently."
  An earthquake that would have measured an estimated magnitude 8 on the
Richter scale occurred along the New Madrid fault in 1811. It was centered
near New Madrid, Mo., which gave the fault its name.
  The affected area had little European settlement then, and reported damage
was slight. But the shaker was felt as far away as Boston, where bells rang,
and its considered to be one of the largest quakes verified in North America.
  But Schweig said new evidence suggests that the New Madrid fault, which
runs generally from near Cairo, Ill., to just west of Memphis, has produced a
series of large earthquakes, going back for 4,000 years.  Large quakes occurred 
in the New Madrid fault area every 500 to 1,200 years.
  Another study, said Schweig, has detected movement of land along the fault
of about one centimeter (one-third inch) per year in a 100-kilometer (62-
mile) stretch.
  Such movement is slower than what is recorded along some California faults,
said Arch Johnston of Memphis State University, but "it is rapid enough to
produce a great earthquake [measuring 8 on the Richter scale] every 1,000

[Memphis: "A whole lot of shakin going on."  -- E. Presley  --spaf]


Date: Sun, 13 Jun 93 05:50:04 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

The beginning of a book review for _Berserk! Motiveless Random Massacres_ :

"Graham's Chester's examination of the relatively recent 
phenomenon of motiveless armed massacres is certainly 
comprehensive. Like his subjects, he spares nothing and 
nobody, detailing every bullet, every squeeze of the trigger, 
from the first recorded case 1913 to the horrors of 
Hungerford in 1987, and after. All of this century's armed 
mass killers are represented in his hall of infamy. 
Not surprisingly, most are Americans."

--(The London) Sunday Times, 2 May 1993
    Section Six, page 6


Date: Tue, 15 Jun 93 05:50:03 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"...I do solemly swear to watch only the Ren and Stimpy Show,
	to make underleg noises during the good scenes;
	to wear unwashed lederhosen every single day of the rest of my life.."

The Pledge to Gain Access to The Secret Ren and Stimpy Club


Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1993 21:48:09 GMT
From: malone@ecf.toronto.edu (MALONE MATTHEW JAMES)
Subject: Sabre-Toothed Guinea Pig
Newsgroups: alt.guinea.pig.conspiracy

Now how could the Sabre-Toothed Guinea Pig possibly have killed of the 
dinosaurs?  Sure it was big for a guinea pig but it could not possibly 
have reached higher than the underbelly of most dinosaurs.  These reports
we here of the Sabre-Toothed Guinea Pig jumping 30 feet in the air and
going for the throat are unsubstantiated.  The theory of the sabre teeth
actually being used as giant egg-openers is plausible but the fossil
found recently with a chunk of egg shell wedged beside one of the teeth
has been proven to be a fraud.  The egg was dated at less than 2000 years
old!  At best this pig's cranium and sabre teeth were found by a primative
tribe and used as a tool, the egg shell being from a human meal.  Leakey's
theory that the Sabre-Toothed Guinea Pig effected the extinction of the
dinosaurs by a dastardly underhanded conspiracy is far more likely.  Just
look at these present-day guinea pigs.  When was the last time you saw 
someone carry their guinea pig in their pants pocket?  There has to be a 
reason for it.  Just imagine what must be stored in the race memory of the
collected unconscious under guinea pigs.  No wonder these seemingly harmless
creatures suddenly turn into evil agents bent of world domination.  The world
will not be safe so long as there are two guinea-pigs in it!


Date: Wed, 16 Jun 93 11:47:20 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: spare ribs, anyone...
To: jay@qasun.nde.swri.edu, jimb@qasun.nde.swri.edu, spaf

I found the following on the tx.general newsgroup:

Subject: Re: Question on Waco-IH 35 Corridor
In article <1993Jun15.131134.492@cactus.org> mcr@cactus.org (Mike) writes:
>I'm planning on a drive up IH35 from Austin to meet a friend in the Waco
>area who is driving down from the Dallas direction, also on IH 35.  
>Any restuarants or cafes right off an exit ramp in the Waco area on IH 35
>that anyone is familiar with?  ....

I only _barely_ resisted the temptation to respond:

Hey, if you've got half an hour or so, take the short drive to David K.'s
BBQ Compound.  I hear the char-broiled Lamb is just heavenly.

God, I have a sick sense of humor...

[Yes.  Lucky for Yucks....  --spaf]


Date: 14 Jun 93 20:25:04 GMT
From: anonymous
Subject: Thank God For Jurassic Park!
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dinosaur.barney.die.die.die,alt.sex.bestiality.barney,talk.bizarre,alt.tasteless

	At last! The tide has turned! Barney mania is headed for a major
tailspin! Why, do you ask? Two words...Jurassic Park.

	Imagine the unimaginable horror kiddies will face when they see
their beloved role model wreak an orgy of unfathomable violence, against
children no less!

	At last, parents have a fighting chance to break the brainwashing
spell of Barney. How is Barney reacting? Let's read his latest interview in
US News and Dinosaur Report...

Sam Donaldson:	Barney, you know as well has I do that there's been a lot
                of outrage directed against you. How do you react to such

Barney:         Well, hyuck, uh, it makes me sad. I just want to love

Sam Donaldson:  But don't you think you're giving parents a mixed message
                when you attack innocent children at Jurassic Park?

Barney:         I had nothing to do with it!

Sam Donaldson:  But it was a relative of yours, wasn't it?

Barney:         I just want to love everyone and be your friend.

Sam Donaldson:  Barney, you're not answering the question.

Barney:         Well, ahuh, I guess, nyuck, it was my relative.

Sam Donaldson:  Let me ask you about Baby Bop.

Barney:         I love Baby Bop. She's my friend.

Sam Donaldson:  There has been reports that she's been spitting
                poison in the faces of children during filming.

Barney:         That's not true! You're making me sad! Boo hoo!

Sam Donaldson:  I'm afraid it is true. Sheryl, can you come in?

Barney:         Oh Sheryl!

Sheryl:         I'm afraid of Barney.

Sam Donaldson:  Now Sheryl has only partial sight, because, she alleges,
                Baby Bop sprayed poison in her face.

Barney:         I'm hungry.

Sam Donaldson:  You're not answering the question Barney.

Barney:         I'm hungry.

Sam Donaldson:  Sheryl, run!

Barney:         *CRUNCH* *CRUNCH*

Sam Donaldson:  My leg! Oh my God! You're crazy! Are we getting this on

Barney:         I just want to be your friend, *CRUNCH*


Barney:         I love you, you love me, we are one big family...


Date: 16 Jun 93 18:38:45 GMT
From: gerald@gerald.vnet.ibm.com (Gerald Oskoboiny)
Subject: The book I just finished.
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

jvogel@math.rutgers.edu (jeff vogel) writes:

>Just finished this great Michael Crichton book. It was about this group
>of professionals, all with different specializations, who were called from
>all over to do this secret job. Unfortunately, they ran into difficulties
>that nobody could have predicted, but eventually worked things out in an
>unusual and creative way. 



Date: 8 Jun 93 12:22:29 GMT
From: joho@pfbs.philips.se (Hans ter Horst)
Subject: the flintstones
Newsgroups: alt.sex.fetish.feet

Charles Frederick Goodin (goodin@fraser.sfu.ca) wrote:
: anonymus+4608@charcoal.com (zooey) writes:

: >Hi.  I was having a discussion with some friends today about which cartoon
: >characters they found most sexy.  Although a lot of the guys mentioned
: >Jessica Rabbit and Catwoman, there was an almost unanimous appeal for
: >Betty Rubble.  And I had to smile because I thought of all of you when
: >I remembered that everyone on that show walked around in bare feet.  :)

: >Zooey
:   Yeah!  She's a babe!  Ever see the one where Fred & Barney go down to a  
: local club to see if they can still play & sing like they used to, and Wilma
: and Betty dress up like cave-Beat chicks?  Wow!  Hubba hubba!

: upchuk mcnuggets

She's never going to leave Barney, and you know it.... (sigh)


Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 15:20:28 CDT
From: mbraun@hydra.urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: Today's Internet Lessons
To: spaf

Lesson #1: Don't dip your feet in the water when fishing for piranhas.  
(or "This isn't your father's BBS.") 

On the internet, more people than you think (or possibly even want) will see
your postings.  Take this recent posting to misc.jobs.offered. (Nevermind
what I was doing over there--Pay Attention!!!)
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
From: jburnes@csisun.uucp (Jim Burnes)
Subject: Entry Level C Programmer Wanted
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 16:43:22 GMT

Wanted - programmer with BS/CS or equivalent and one year experience
in scientific C programming for MSDOS.  Would consider new grad if
(blah blah blah...further job details deleted)

Send resumes to jburnes@compusci.com

Please try to call beforehand at (314) 343-5022 and ask for Jim Burnes
or Elaine Raterman.

We are essentially looking for an entry-level hacker.

Jim Burnes -- CompuSci, Inc -- jburnes@compusci.com

Anyone see the mistake?  (Yes, you in the back, with the bow-tie.  No, I'm
sorry, but it *is* possible to do scientific C programming in MSDOS.  I saw
someone do it in a paper once.)  Someone else? That's right, the phrase
"please call beforehand" and the phone number.  The Internet is a lot like
late night TV, with Ron Popeil (e.g. Ronco) selling Veg-o-matics and Pocket
Fisherman.  The advertising cost in dollers per viewer is so cheap it's
almost free.  The only difference between Mr. Popeil and Mr. Burnes is that
Mr. Popeil *knew* how many insomniacs were really out there...

This example also serves us well for the second lesson.

Lesson #2: The most damaging messages travel the fastest.

Although the smell of blood travels quickly through the water, a job offering
for an "entry-level hacker" on The Net shows us that it actually is possible
for something (in this case, a USENET posting) to travel faster than the
speed of light.  Trolling for undergraduates is not a good idea...even in the
summer.  (Okay, maybe if you're out at the bars, and it's the weekend: it's
hot, it's sticky, you've had a long week, and...uh...  Nevermind! Pay
attention to the example!  No, not that one--I mean Mr. Burnes' postings.)

The Net must have been having a slow day, because it took almost 4 whole
hours before we got the followup:
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
From: jburnes@csisun.uucp (Jim Burnes)
Subject: NOTICE: Entry Level C (READ FIRST)
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 21:09:08 GMT

On the original post about a C programmer I said call first.

After getting an incredible dose of reality about how many
people actually read these things (mostly from my secretary)
I must say.....

Just email your resume.

Thanks a bunch

Corollary to #2: The speed with which a followup message travels The Net is
	inversely proportional to the size of the screw-up it's trying to fix.

It took almost a WHOLE DAY before:
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
From: jburnes@csisun.uucp (Jim Burnes)
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1993 14:28:50 GMT


God, did I make a mistake.  The secretaries are trying to
have me demoted to janitor because of the number of calls
this generated.



Dont do it.

Email me at jburnes@compusci.com or fax to the above number


Jim Burnes

Here endeth the lesson...  Methinks Mr. Burnes hath learned it well.

(...and I didn't even make any obvious jokes about Mr. Burnes. getting
flamed!  Oops.)


Date: Sun, 13 Jun 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: RSPAIN@macalstr.edu
Subject: Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time (Answered!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

This was my design for the Macalester Philosophy Club t-shirts. (on
the shirts, the questions are on front and the answers on back...)
The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!
10. How do I know anything really exists?
	-Kick it *really* hard.
 9. What is the essence of being human?
	-Not understanding the opposite sex.
 8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear
    it, does it make a sound?
	-Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
 7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
    computer simulation of life?
	-Look in the mirror.  If you see a gray, spongy thing in a
         glass container, you are.
 6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
	-If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in
         every morning.
 5. Is there a God?
	-A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
 4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
	-I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.
 3. What is the meaning of life?
	-All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
 2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
	-It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to
         drink lots of espresso.
 1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
	"Mac Philosophy: for the Metaphysically Challenged"


Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 14:25:48 -0400
From: stever@mit.edu
Subject: unix under pressure
To: rrh@tera.com

[Speaking of the film Jurassic Park....  --spaf]

   Date: Mon, 14 Jun 93 08:55:20 PDT
   From: "Robert R. Henry" <rrh@tera.com>

   Does the young heroine, unruffled amidst the snarls and snaps
   of hunters from 65Myears ago, really pony up to the workstation
   and say ``Its UNIX'', or did I, quite distressed by the snarls and snaps,
   miss something criticial when she actually said ``Its not UNIX''?

She says, "It's Unix."  A friend of mine heard shouted at his theatre,
"Be glad it's not OS/2."

I thought it was obviously Unix.
	It had 2 million lines of uncommented code and no manual.
	It required a bloated, greasy guru with an inflated
		ego just to reboot it.
 	It gave multimedia "Bad password" messages but was totally
		dysfunctional at such advanced operations as turning
		on the lights, phones, and door locks.
	The security system was robust:  lots of back
		doors, while legitimate users couldn't log in with the
		right passwords.
	It provided the sole positive-self-esteem opportunity
		for the paranoid prepubescent whose only talent in life
		was getting in the way and screaming incessantly when
		things didn't work (as opposed to DOING SOMETHING about it).


Date: Sun, 13 Jun 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: shipman@csab.larc.nasa.gov (Floyd S. Shipman)
Subject: Your dog shot here
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

	From time to time I have heard about unusual business
combinations such as a Funeral Parlor and Furniture Store.
Recently I was told of one that really got to me.  It was a
combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business with the
motto: "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back".

source is NPR's Car Talk


End of Yucks Digest