[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V3 #20 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 11 Jun 93 Volume 3 : Issue 20
Today's Topics:
AI has nothing on Danny-boy.
a job ad from MIT
and i thought CACM published ORIGINAL work
Bet Millie didn't get this
Changes ...
FTP xfer speed
How to lose in the stock market
Now, that's comedy
Proposed new newsgroup
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Russian History
shergold
Submission offer
Take THAT, Microsoft.
the whimper of whipped eggs
Threatening Advertisements
TPILB
trolling for replies
Why do men shed chest hair when they excercise?
Why Saabs are Ugly Cars
Windows marketing
YUCKS
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: TMANCUSO@drunivac.drew.edu (Open Mouth, Insert Brain.)
Subject: AI has nothing on Danny-boy.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I know that our dearly beloved ex-vice president Dan Quayle is no
longer in office, but I think this is still amusing enough to post.
Last semester during a particularly boring class in Artificial
Intelligence, I began looking through the index of the textbook
(_Paradigms of Artificial Intelligence Programming_ by Peter Norvig,
copyright 1992 by Morgan Kaufmann Publishers). In the Q section, I
came across this entry:
Quayle, Dan, 735
Completely mystified as to why Dan Quayle would be mentioned in my AI
text, I turned to page 735. The topic on the page had to do with
auxiliary verbs (the chapter was on creating an English grammar).
Nowhere was Quayle's name mentioned on the page. Figuring that the
entry was a mistake or something, I started to close the book when I
noticed, about halfway down the page, three sentences which were
intended to illustrate the three "senses" of the verb "be." The three
sentences were:
"He is a fool."
"He is a Republican."
"He is in Indiana."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 93 11:26:16 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: a job ad from MIT
To: spaf
Sigurd Meldal <sigurd@ii.uib.no> of the University of Bergen in Norway
found the following job position extract and passed it on to rec.humor.funny.
I thought yucks might be a fine place to extend the distribution.
> [From an MIT job ad]
> Applicants must also have extensive knowledge of UNIX, although they
> should have sufficiently good programming taste to not consider this
> an achievement.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 93 16:37:03 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: and i thought CACM published ORIGINAL work
To: spaf
Apparently the covers of the June, 1993 CACM and the August, 1991 IEEE
Computer are negative images of one another. That seems to be a bit
distressing in it's own right, but (as per usual) it provides an
opportunity for some magnificent (?) commentary by usenet readers.
John Jack Repenning <jackr@dblues.wpd.sgi.com> starts the chain off by
querying:
=> So, does anyone know whether it's the June'93 CACM, or the August'91
=> IEEE Computer cover that has the negative reversed?
and Mike Ciaraldi <mcia@uhura.cc.rochester.edu> provides the
"perfect" explaination...
=> Here's what happened:
=> The photo was stored in digital form, then transmitted
=> to both the ACM and the IEEE.
=>
=> Unfortunately, the IEEE computer is big-endian,
=> but the ACM computer is little-endian.
<segross@uci.edu> observed that in addition to the cover being similar
to the IEEE Computer cover, there was a typo on the month:
=> ....and is the June '93 CACM Vol. 36, No. 4 or is the April '93 issue really
=> No. 4???
and John Jack Repenning <jackr@dblues.wpd.sgi.com> came up with
another classic explaination....
=> Ah, I see! It's a really _subtle_ April Fool's joke!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 93 3:25:02 EDT
From: ap1i+@andrew.cmu.edu (Andrew C. Plotkin)
Subject: Bet Millie didn't get this
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Everybody has been making a great fuss about the President's new e-mail
address, president@whitehouse.gov. And indeed it is a wonderful thing.
(Now his secretaries can throw away his mail and it won't even make a
guilt-inducing pile in the wastebasket. Terrific.)
Of course, we've already tried hacking on it a little, through the
Internet. We know that the IP address is 198.137.240.100. It doesn't do
FTP. You can't finger president@whitehouse.gov and see when he's logged
on. Very clever. Nobody's getting in that way.
So I looked around the 198.137.240.* domain a little...
% /usr/etc/traceroute 198.137.240.101
traceroute to 198.137.240.101 (198.137.240.101), 30 hops max, 40 byte packets
[...deleted...]
13 eop.gov (198.137.240.101) 47 ms 51 ms 43 ms
Ok, "eop.gov" -- probably External Office of the President or Eskimo
Oversight Perpetrators or something. Dullsville.
% /usr/etc/traceroute 198.137.240.201
traceroute to 198.137.240.201 (198.137.240.201), 30 hops max, 40 byte packets
[...deleted...]
13 socks.eop.gov (198.137.240.201) 51 ms 43 ms 47 ms
Jackpot! The hacker who succeeds in breaking into the cat's computer
will undoubtedly gain complete control over the United States. I can
hardly wait.
[Of course, Socks hasn't been using the system much -- beyond playing
with /dev/mouse a lot. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 93 13:49:06 EDT
From: chibnik@reach.com (Ron CHibnik)
Subject: Changes ...
To: spaf
While this may sound far fetched, appear to be humor or sataire, this
is a true story. It was told to me by a long time friend and his
mother.
I'm at a picnic last saturday given by my childhood friend Jerry.
We've been friends for about 20, keeping in touch. Jerry's mother,
Ellen, is at the party, visiting from upstate New York. The three of
us are sitting in Jerry's living room, talking about people we know
when Jeff XXXX's name is mentioned. I inquire politely about Jeff,
with whom I was aquainted with, but not friendly.
"You haven't heard? He changed his name to Janet!", Ellen tells me.
But being naive, I don't know what she means? "Jeff Janet? What a
silly name!." "No! He had an operation and everything!" Still naive,
and my head filled with spy stories, I ask if he's a CIA agent or in
the Witness Protection Program. She spells it out for me, and I'm
aghast. I mean, I've heard about people changing gender, but never anyone
I've known. I remember the house that he lived in, for Pete's sake!
Anyway, it goes on. "That's not the half of it", Ellen tells me. "She
did it so that she could date lesbian women! Janet doesn't like men,
she always liked women. She just prefered lesbian women." "Let me get
this straight", my head is spinning now, "Jeff is now Janet so that
he, I mean she, can date lesbian women. Jeff's not gay, or wasn't gay,
but now is gay, since she, he, Jeff, Janet, had the operation?"
"Right."
"How did she know she was a lesbian, when she was a he?" They've got
me going, now. "Apparently she has no trouble finding lesbian lovers.
Before the operation, when she was taking hormones, she was dating a
lesbian woman, as a lesbian, who was supportive of her wanting to
become a woman." "Where did she find such a lover?!" I can't get it...
"I don't know, but still before the operation, she ended the
relationship with the first woman, and found another woman, also a
lesbian, also supportive of her change, and they're still together
today."
"And what does Janet do for a living?", I ask. "Well", Jerry Chimes
in, "When she was a he, she (he?) was a Psychiatrist." "Figures". "But
now, She's not practicing Psychiatry, but still an MD. An
obstatrition, I think." "Great" I think. "She's delivering the babies
she can never have." And her lover is a doctor too.
"But, do you want to hear the punch line" asks Ellen? Jerry looks at
me, then at her. "Mom, I don't think he needs a punch line. He's
reeling!" "When Jerry was young, he was always bringing home such
riff-raff. I said to him on countless occasions, 'Why can't you have
more friends like Jeff XXXX?'"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Jun 93 19:30:14 EDT
From: opedroso@osiris.b29.ingr.com (Osiris Pedroso)
Subject: FTP xfer speed
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Question on one of our corporate groups:
----------------------------------------
Noticed something weird today. Was using FTP to xfer some
files around and noticed that "getting" files resulted in
a transfer rate of about 15kb/sec while "putting" files
resulted in a transfer rate of about 400kb/sec?!?!
Both sending and receiving nodes were C4's, but one is
a server and one is a WS.
What gives??
Answer some 10 minutes later:
-----------------------------
The remote system is downhill from your system, resulting in a faster
rate of transfer when you "put" files, and a lower rate of transfer
when you "get" files (since you have to pull the bits uphill).
Remember, you should _never_ stack two systems on top of each other.
Bits cannot handle vertical acceleration, and you could actually cause
a bit overflow. That's why you should always back away from a machine
that has an "overflow error", because, chances are, it's about to
explode.
Jeeze, you're working at a computer company and you don't even know
the basics?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 93 4:30:03 EDT
From: humphrie@ssc.wisc.edu (William Humphries)
Subject: How to lose in the stock market
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From MacUser's editorial page 4/93:
"What's the difference between Wang and IBM?"
"About 4 weeks."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 93 17:06:47 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
To: pdh@cadence.com, ross@qcktrn.com, eli@cisco.com, chief@cadence.com
Subject: Now, that's comedy
> From max Thu Jun 10 10:57:35 1993
> To: humor@frame.com
> From: max (max)
> X-Sender: max@midas.frame.com
> Subject: pro-Family, pro-Choice, pro-fit!!
>
> Picketing for dollars: Pro-life pickets found themselves in an awkward
> position recently raising funds for the facility they were trying to
> close down. When the Portland Women's Feminist Health Clinic heard
> they were targeted, staff got on the phones and, with the help of the
> Community Clinic Defense Coalition, solicited sponsors. The more
> picketers that showed up and the longer they waved their signs, the
> more money they brought in. According to Leila Whittemore, Clinic
> Defense Director, the fundraiser brought in a much needed $700. "Not
> bad for only three pickets," Whittemore observed.
------------------------------
From: pjm@isis.cshl.org (Pat Monardo)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: Proposed new newsgroup
Date: 10 Jun 1993 01:13:47 GMT
In article <1v5vgc$qb3@sunb.ocs.mq.edu.au> korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au (Kate Orman) writes:
>
>talk.bizarre
>
while we're at it, i propose we create two new groups, alt.right.way
and alt.right.way.d. alt.right.way will be for posting the official
right way of doing things, like storing tomatoes, using toilet paper.
alt.right.way.d will be for discussing what should be officially
sanctioned as Right Ways. alt.right.way will consist entirely of
posts detailing official right ways. in no circumstance will
there be posts on alt.right.way proposing or requesting
official right ways.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 22:00:20 -0400 (EDT)
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Highlights from _Safe S/M: Advice on AIDS Prevention_, the controversial
brochure published by the AIDS Committee of Toronto. In April, _Safe S/M_
will be distributed in the Toronto School Board to grades six and up:
WHIPPING: If there's no break in the skin during whipping, then
there's no problem at all....During a flogging scene, if the skin is
broken, wipe up the blood the same way as you would for piercing or
branding, and clean the whip...
>From that irreverent rag, FRANK
FRANK BY NAME, FRANK BY NATURE!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 May 93 19:07:12 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
>From a review of a concert by "Rocket from the Crypt" in our local student
rag, _The Peak_ :
" Almost immediately one skinhead in particular attracted attention.
'Stop that! Hey you. STOP PUSHING!', boomed Speedo, the lead singer,
at the careening skin.
" Everyone stopped momentarily but quickly resumed slamming when the band
played on. The skinhead looked perplexed. He was, after all, just one of
many persons in the mosh pit, being thrown around as much as he pushed others
around. Speedo soon grew tired with the game and jumped off the stage to deal
with the offending ignoramus personally.
" The 'pit' cleared and the skin was left standing alone in the empty circle.
Speedo grabbed the young man's hand and began to waltz. The victim obliged and
together they danced. Speedo then grabbed a couple of other boys and coerced
them to 'dance' together.
" By now the skin was grinning; he thought all this was too funny. Speedo began
to approach him slowly, the skin backed off, but the crowd wouldn't let him
exit. Speedo, now in front of the young man, dropped to his knees. You could
hear the skin gasp ('Oh, shit').
" The crowd grabbed the skinhead's arms and held him there as Speedo fiddled
with the struggling skin's belt, not heeding the young man's protest. 'No,no
no...no', yelled the skin as Speedo undid his belt, pulled his pants down to
his ankles and pointed menacingly.
" The crowd seemed to understand the message. 'DICK!' Slamdancers will be
punished. Speedo yelled, 'Give that guy a free T-shirt' and continued with
an excellent set of hard-thrashing music that could only be thoroughly enjoyed
by slamdancing to it.
" It was the most embarrassing scene I've ever had to participate in. But for
a free T-shirt it was worth it. Great show. "
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 93 19:30:05 EDT
From: jtisdel@digi.lonestar.org
Subject: Russian History
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The original form of this joke was releated to me by a co-worker, while
we were recently discussing the immediate Russian past.
A train was stalled on the Trans-Siberian Railway, on board were Tsar
Nicholas II, Lenin, Stalin, Khruschev, Breznhev, Chernynko, Andropov,
Gorbachev, and Yeltsin.
Tsar Nicholas stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He gets
off the train, mounts his horse and rides off to Paris.
Lenin then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves
the car and returns a few minutes later. "I've instituted a new 8 day work
week," he says and sits down. The train still doesn't move.
Stalin stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves the car
and returns a few minutes later. "I've shot the engineer," he says as he
sits down. The train still doesn't move.
Khruschev then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He leaves
the car and returns a few minutes later. "I've reinstated the engineer,
posthumously," he says as he sits down. The train doesn't move.
Breznhev then stands up and says, "I shall make this train move." He then
instructs everyone to act like the train is moving and sits down. The train
doesn't move.
Chernynko and Andropov both jointly declare "We shall make this train move."
They then get off the train. The train doesn't move.
Gorbachev, with a sigh, stands up and says "I shall make this train move." He
stands and, pulling down the window, yells outside "This train doesn't move!"
Gorbachev sits back down. The train doesn't move.
Yeltsin, quite put out, stands up and says "I shall change the train for one
that works!" He leaves and returns shortly with a new train. As the
passengers board it, they see that it is an old American Steam Engine which
is owned by the Germans and has no wheels. Is this train going to move?
------------------------------
From: ses@tipper.oit.unc.edu (Simon E Spero)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.british,alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: Source->READ THIS IF YOU ARE A MUSLIM !!!
Date: 8 Jun 93 13:12:05
Abd al-Shergold is a little Bosnian boy who's dying of cancer. He wants to
get into the guiness book of records as being the person to receive the most
handguns by post ever. Please send your guns, ammo, flak-jackets and light
artillery pieces to
Abd al-Shergold
Make My Day foundation
Sarajevo
Bosnia
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1993 08:33:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: jcoper@ccu.UManitoba.CA
Subject: Submission offer
To: spaf
[ The following article appeared in the newspaper 'Farmwoman' of
May/Jun, 1993 - Vol 1, No. 3. It is reprinted here without
either permission or malice. ]
Mindbender Dept.
The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
[My collected papers from the Journal of Irreproducible Results is
still packed somewhere in the basement so I can't find it, but I
believe this is a retelling of something from that tome. Highly
recommended if you can find it in your local bookstore. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1993 10:36:42 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Take THAT, Microsoft.
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: Marti Hearst <marti@auspex.berkeley.edu>
I ended up seeing Jurassic Park tonight, a day before it's official
opening. I won't say anything, except that the best line in the movie
(said by a little girl, yet), was "This is Unix -- I can use this!"
Take THAT, Microsoft.
[Actually, I think it was the second-best line. The best was in
response to a claim that the park was just like Disneyland: something
to the effect of "No it isn't, John. When the 'Pirates of the
Carribean' breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists."
Overall the movie had great effects, loose plot ends, some really dumb
moments, and a deus ex machina ending that made me feel cheated. The
book was great, and I wished they had stuck closer to it. Oh well,
the movie is still well worth a look to see the special effects. --spaf]
------------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rvacca@vyasa.helios.nd.edu (robert vacca)
Subject: the whimper of whipped eggs
Date: Sun, 6 Jun 1993 10:56:34 GMT
...with a wicked gleam in my eyes, I hefted the nine-inch
stainless-steel whisk. "Shall we try THIS one on for size?"
I leered. Those curves, smooth and hard and untouched by the
sun, were making my baster drip. The eggs, mute and immobile,
could not tell me how they felt; but the emotions roiling off
of them made it unnecessary. They were terrified. Good...
[Followups to alt.sex.stories.bondage.dairy-products.d]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 93 3:20:02 EDT
From: dee@skipper.physics.sunysb.edu (Jimmy Dee)
Subject: Threatening Advertisements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
On Sun, 30 May 93, marc@urutu.sde.hp.com (Marc Sabatella) said:
Marc: Yesterday the sign outside the the store read (I am NOT making
Marc: this up):
Marc: Try Our New Buffet Or We'll Run The Commercial Again
There have been a series of TV commercials in New York for a particular
radio station that feature a rather immense white man in street/rapper
dress (high tops, shades, etc.---a la Chris Farley on SNL) dancing in
front of a boom box that plays some well-known classic rock song or an-
other. In and of itself, that is pretty funny to watch. A few weeks
ago, I saw a version of the commercial where at the end the following
words appear on the screen: "Listen, or next time he's naked."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Jun 93 15:42:32 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: TPILB
To: spaf (Yucks List), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
Tim Heap said...
|This, from the local [St. Paul/Mpls] _Funny Pages_
|"Ask Dr. Science" column:
|
|Dear Dr. Science:
|
|Often, in computer documentation manuals, one will find
|pages with the statement "This page is left blank
|intentionally." Why do they do this?
|
|Dr. Science replies:
|
|To waste paper. You see, the people who write computer
|manuals are nearly illiterate. To them, language is
|numbers and one word commands. Their idea of casual
|reading is proofreading the phonebook. Consequently,
|they are out of touch with the rest of us, and this brings
|on feelings of isolation in many cases, paranoid delusions
|of persecution. So they fight back, first by wasting
|paper. If this venting of the spleen is left unchecked,
|they'll eventually move on to naughty limericks and
|libelous statements about company management. If you
|have the time, write the company and blow the whistle.
|You'll be doing everyone a favor, in the long run.
------------------------------
From: brennan@merk.com (Rich Brennan)
Newsgroups: ne.general
Subject: Circuit City NewsSpeak Job Titles
Date: 8 Jun 93 04:06:02 GMT
[....]
Rich
P.S. Anyone know where to get free ATM service, and why we have the {Capitol,
Registry, MDC} police force? Are Boston drivers really that bad? Why there
is no due process at the World, and how come I can't buy liquor on Sundays?
Also, anyone know when 8:15 train leaves Boston?
[Some people think they don't get enough e-mail, evidently. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: Brady_David@Tandem.Com (David Brady)
Newsgroups: misc.consumers
Subject: Why do men shed chest hair when they excercise?
Date: 7 Jun 93 20:06:14 GMT
File under sneaky television commercials:
In a tv commercial spotlighting some sort of do-everthing home excercise
thingy (Soloflex, I believe) it shows fairly normal guys with hair on
their chest workin' out. 6 weeks later (or was it 2 weeks ?) the chest
hair was gone AND he was a bit more in shape.
Is there a correlation? Do guys shed chest hair while working out? Does
it gum up the excercise machine? What if you'd like to keep your chest
hair when you work out? Could Rogaine help? Should the FDA look into
this?
Just wondering...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Jun 93 09:14:11 CDT
From: Mark Covey <covey@cobber.cord.edu>
Subject: Why Saabs are Ugly Cars
To: spaf
Gene;
Encountered the following in the Periscope section of the latest Newsweek.
Purloined without permission...
Bumper Cars... (Newsweek, June 7, 1993)
An empty Saab Automobila factory in Sweden got a little *too* mobile
last month when a misprogrammed assembly line jump-started itself and
assembled 24 cars, rolling them off one after the other into a wall. A
worker finally discovered the auto-automated line, but not before it had
created an impressive chrome-and-steel pileup. Saab officials said that
damage was minimal.
"Assembly lines run slowly, and we have big bumpers," a Saab spokesman said.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: Herb.Peyerl@novatel.cuc.ab.ca (Herb Peyerl)
Subject: Windows marketing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard in passing down one of our corridors:
'I think I came up with a new marketing slogan for Microsoft'
"Windows/NT - From the people who brought you EDLIN".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Jun 1993 09:34:43 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: YUCKS
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Gene,
Here's something I wrote to try to motivate one of my PhD students ...
I would like to offer an some advice on finishing your PhD. At this
point in your (academic) career, you should divide the world into
three kinds of things; your PhD, things that make finishing your PhD
easier, and things that make finishing your PhD harder. Let me
suggest some things that belong on the latter two lists.
THINGS THAT MAKE FINISHING YOUR PHD EASIER
* Your advisor -- for advice
* Your spouse -- for support
* Your home computer
* Weekends and breaks -- fewer distractions at school
THINGS THAT MAKE FINISHING YOUR PHD HARDER
* Your advisor -- for interruptions
* Your spouse -- for wanting you to spend time doing non-research things
* Your office-mates -- for wanting to talk
* Other grad students -- for wanting advice, etc
* Your job
* Your home computer -- small screen _and_ 2400 baud!?
* Students in your class -- for asking non-research questions
* Other PhD students -- because they want to talk about _their_ research
(boring ...)
* Your belly -- hard to research while eating
* Sleep -- what a waste!
* Emotions -- they take time to deal with
* Emotional needs -- talking, taking breaks, helping other for your gratification...
these do not enhance research ... and are weaknesses
* Friends -- they want to talk about other things besides your research
* Your body -- nobody ever got a good result while exercising
* Where you live -- nobody ever got a good result while driving
* Your car -- pumping gas is so time-comsuming
* ALL CLASSES -- homework, exams, studying!?
* Seminars -- other people want to talk about _their_ research
* Parents -- nobody ever wrote a dissertation on Mommy's lap
* Haircuts -- *boring*
* Christmas -- shopping is definitely _not_ research
* TV -- brain-candy
* Phones -- people want to talk, and it ties up the modem
* Basketball -- they call algorithms "plays", and they are very unreliable
(ask Phil Bernhard about acknowledging the NFL for going
on strike and allowing him to finish his dissertation)
.
:
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------