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Yucks Digest V3 #19 (miscellaneous long ones)
Yucks Digest Mon, 7 Jun 93 Volume 3 : Issue 19
Today's Topics:
ARPA's Sinister Purposes and their Irritating Effects
Each pilot must carry his own toothbrush aboard the vehicle.
Joke of the day
Love Boat vs. Star Trek
Ordering burritos from my SPARC
Sanwa anyone?
Scientific Dictionary
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1993 03:12:40 GMT
From: atman@rahul.net (Visceral Clamping Mechanism)
Subject: ARPA's Sinister Purposes and their Irritating Effects
Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
In article <1993Apr02.130553.22525@einoed.in-berlin.de> alh@einoed.in-berlin.de (Adrian Le Hanne) writes:
>spaf@cs.purdue.EDU (Gene Spafford) writes:
>
>>Warning: April 1 is rapidly approaching, and with it comes a USENET
>Is this the real Gene Spafford? Is the real Gene for real? ;-)
It is a well-known fact that ARPA's original moniker for Usenet was
"SPAFF-SIM." It had a collection of 6 machines running BEATNIX and
a yearly budget of six dollars. That was a lot back then.
The next version will run under Plan 9 on an as-yet-unnamed
Distributed Processing Platform. Unfortunately the current
implementation spends all availble CPU time and bus bandwidth on
interprocess communication. The new version, called
"SPAFFALUPAGUS" is intended to reduce Usenet traffic by 50-75%,
but with a large surge each April first. Fortunately most of
the 1 April traffic can be solved by use of symbolic links, and
in some cases by sticking net.guru.wannabees in tiger shark
tanks with blutwursts tied to their backsides.
A cheap knockoff product has recently become available from a
company based in Taiwan. Unfortunately this product, in addition
to violating several Bell Labs patents and an obscure copyright
on Beards In Computing held by an undisclosed party produces
very low quality posts, in all upper-case, with occasional
errors in grammar, diction, and use of vowels/numerals. It is
called "SPIFF." Apple Computer Corporation has filed suit,
arguing that the low-level badness of the SPIFF interface violates
Apple Computer Corporation's numerous patents on ``Terrible User
Interfaces'' and further cites as evidence that both are targeted
towards people that otherwise would not have a chance in hell of
ever being able to operate a computer.
Apple Computer also disclosed that it has a U.S. patent pending
on "all user interfaces, from microwave ovens and potato peelers
to radar displays and medical equipment, including but not
limited to anything that puts pixels on a screen." DARPA officials
refused to confirm or deny the rumor that they are working with
the U.S. Secret Service to either construct an AI version of Teddy
Roosevelt or to deliver a large amount of thermite to Apple Computer
headquarters in Cupertino, CA. One highly placed source who spoke
on condition of anonymity said, "Apple has gotten too big for their
britches, and ... I can't say anything else. The SPAFF-SIM project
is ongoing, and will not be jeopardized. Further information can
be retrieved from /dove/null. Ha ha, a little military Usenet
humor there."
[Unfortunately, the secret seems to be getting out.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 18:21:00 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Each pilot must carry his own toothbrush aboard the vehicle.
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: mgbaker@allspice.Berkeley.EDU (Mary Gray Baker)
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 93 13:46:33 PDT
...
The reason for this trip, I'll have you know, was not just to roll in the
mud. The reason was so that we could attend the Ferndale Kinetic
Sculpture Race. Ferndale is a small Victorian town on the Lost Coast.
Some other places have these now, too, but Ferndale's was the first. It
started in 1969 when a local artist looked at his son's bicycle and said,
"Hmph. I could make that a lot more interesting." It ended up as a
wobbly vehicle with 5 wheels and bright colors. He drove it down Main
Street. Other artists saw this and thought, "Hmph. Ours would be
better." So they made vehicles and all got together to race them down
Main Street.
The race has grown over the years until now it covers 38 miles of rough
terrain over 3 days. All vehicles must be totally human-powered. They
are a crazy sight! Now they must race along the highway and over sand
dunes and then swim across Humbolt Bay and climb steep hills and cross a
river and climb a very steep and slimy slope. The finish line is still
the end of Main Street in Ferndale, though. The race has accumulated some
very interesting rules. Each pilot must carry his own toothbrush aboard
the vehicle. (The race is no excuse for lax dental hygiene.) If one of
the pilots goes into labor during the race, she is allowed to leave the
race for a reasonable amount of time (an hour or so), but she must return
with an 8x10 color glossy of the child, and she's allowed to carry the
child with her for the next leg of the race. All vehicles must carry a
gallon bucket with them, for putting out their campfires. The pilots must
camp within spitting distance of their vehicles. If there's more than
one pilot, though, it can be their combined spitting distance. If your
vehicle gets through the race without breaking down or being unable to
get over part of the course without pushing or tugging, then you succeed
in winning a coveted "Ace" status and will be addressed as "professor."
The challenges are such that the great majority of vehicles cannot attain
this status. There are some areas (the slimy slope, for instance) where
the pilot is allowed to get out of his vehicle and push, but many tried
not to (and some succeeded), even though it's not as if they got any extra
points for this. The motto of the race is "for the glory." If your time
against the clock is the fastest, then you win something like $14.59.
If, however, you come in as the median vehicle (which is just about
impossible to predict), then you win a car. It's not clear, though,
whether this is a car that anyone wants to win.
Just about all the pilots wear costumes that go with their vehicles.
Calistoga seems to sponsor part of the race, and at all stops along the
way, they handed out unlimited free drinks. Actually, all concessions
associated with the race handed out only free stuff.
Some of my favorite vehicles this year were a family of ducks. Each duck
was piloted by a single person peddling furiously. The first was a mother
duck. She had 5 duckings, one of which was black. They arranged their
timing (with the fastest ducklings waiting for the slower ducklings) so
that they all came in together at the end in a line down Main Street. It
was very cute, and also gives you an idea of just how important people
think it is to be the fastest... However, all the ducks aced the race.
One of the duck pilots was a woman. She was in incredible shape. One of
the other pilots looked as if he might die. I was very worried for him.
Another funny vehicle was the "Calistoga Swan Song." This was a small
vehicle in the shape of a swan boat, with the body of the swan made from
white lace stretched over a frame. The guy driving it was wearing fancy
women's lingerie and pink lip stick. I think he got the fastest time of
the whole course. He certainly aced it, too. There was also a
perambulator, with a married couple in it dressed as babies. There were
some dragons and other beasts. There was a large cage with a whole group
of people in various costumes in it sitting on inner tubes with peddles
attached. A lot of these people were in the "barnacle" category, meaning
they were just along for the ride but weren't allowed to help out. They
did not ace the test. The "rabid aqua bats" had their vehicle split apart
in the middle of the bay.
All in all, it's a heap of fun. If you ever find yourself out here for
Memorial Day weekend, I'll take you to it!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 May 93 17:52:56 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Joke of the day
To: yucks
Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
by Jim Garner
copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993
originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her
mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's
house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the
deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full
physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods.
Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and
dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however,
was so confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious
Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf,
who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful
snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an
outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop
your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must
be on my way."
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's
house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid
course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by
rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put
on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a
wise and nurturing matriarch."
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I
might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as
a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and
certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out
of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring
her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent
tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of
her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the
cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his
ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came
to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your
thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume
that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's
help!"
When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the
Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off.
After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a
certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative
household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived
together in the woods happily ever after.
------------------------------
Date: 4/14/93 12:48 PM
From: Robin
Subject: Love Boat vs. Star Trek
Love Boat Enterprise
------------------------------------- ----------------------------------
Bald Captain Bald Captain
Black Bartender Black Bartender
Young Vicki is related to a Young Wesley is related to a
crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship
Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character
Julie, the cruise director is sexy Troi, the ship's counselor is sexy
but annoying but annoying
Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen,
upon which is projected background upon which is projected background
of open sea of open space
A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate
washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars
Going to strange new ports-of-call Going to strange new worlds
Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song
Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent
crap in the lounge crap in the holodeck
Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with
job description for name (Gopher) job description for name (Data)
In late-night syndication In late-night syndication
Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot
Love Boat has lifeboats and Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and
flotation devices detaching saucer section
Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots
One character inexplicably replaced, One character inexplicably replaced,
then returned (Julie) then returned (Crusher)
After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with
pointless discussion pointless discussion
Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when
disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous
Final scene takes place on loading Final scene takes place on
dock; crew waves goodbye transporter; crew waves goodbye
Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, Gene Roddenberry rules with iron
annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fansb
At conventions, everyone is dressed At conventions, everyone is dressed
like Dr. Adam Bricker like Mr. Spock
Isaac the Bartender has useless Captain Picard has useless gesture,
gesture, pointing slightly forward pointing slightly forward
Intercrew friction always resolved Intercrew friction always resolved
within allotted 1 hour time slot within allotted 1 hour time slot
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 09:12:20 PDT
From: cjackson@mv.us.adobe.com (Curtis Jackson)
Subject: Ordering burritos from my SPARC
There is a little Mexican grocery nearby that has an assembly-line
burrito operation in back. You walk down the line with the person
who is making your burrito, telling them exactly what you want on it.
The problem is that the place is so good and such a good value that
the lines get quite long at times. So La Costena (that's a tilde n)
put in a fax machine and allows you to fax in your orders. Well, we've
gone a quantum leap beyond that with the following.
This is NOT a joke. Ross has taken advantage of the fact that some
PostScript Level 2 printers now have fax capability. Read the whole
doc below when you get a chance -- it represents true burrito decadence!
Curtis
======================================================
Tired of standing in line at La Costena? This file documents an
automatic facility for sending a fax to La Costena that orders 1 or
more burritos, quesadillas, tacos, and whatever. The command will
compose the fax, and send it to your favorite PostScript fax printer,
for direct transmission to La Costena, and no paper at this end will
be generated. Then, when you get there, your food will be waiting.
No worries.
To use this, you will want to add the following lines to your .cshrc
file:
setenv BURRITOPRINTER = <printer>
alias burrito /user/thompson/public/burrito<mach>
where <mach> is dec, sun, or sparc, as appropriate. Requests to
support other machine types will be greeted with enthusiasm if the
following conditions are met:
1) I can get the code to compile with a minimum of effort.
(I expect no difficulties, but you never know).
2) I am provided with the name of a machine on which to do the build.
<printer> should be the name of a PostScript level 2 printer that
supports fax and is connected to an external phone line. I use
griffin, which is located in building A upstairs. However, griffin's
queue has been stuck for days, and so if you have an alternative
printer you can use, I recommend you use it. (Also, please let me
know what it is.) I have been trying to get Andy and Ron to unstuck
griffin, but they are very busy people and ordering burritos doesn't
seem to be a priority with them for some reason.
You will also probably want to create a .costenarc file, to define
your burrito macros in. The one in /user/thompson/.costenarc is
designed to stand as an example that you can use. Feel free to copy,
modify, whatever. I think the syntax should be pretty
straightforward, if you understand how to describe a burrito.
In keeping with long standing Unix tradition, the syntax for
specifying burritos is somewhat obscure. Here is an attempt at
explanation, with some examples at the end. For a better
understanding, the energetic reader will attempt to thoroughly
comprehend the contents of my .costenarc file.
burrito [-n "name"] [-t <time>] [-p phone#] [-d] [-x] [FoodSpec [...]]
-n specify the name at the top of the order blank.
This should be the name of the person who will pick
up the order. Default is current user, as defined in
/etc/passwd.
-t specify the time at which you will pick up the order.
time may be absolute 24 hour time or +delta. Default is +1:00.
Note that La Costena specifies a 20 minute on small orders
and 60 minute on large orders minimum notification time.
-p specify callback number in case La Costena has questions.
default is as found in /usr/local/adobe/phones/adobe.phones.
If your phone number is not specified, and burrito can't
figure it out by looking in adobe.phones, an error will result,
and the order will not be transmitted.
syntaxes for phone numbers:
entry interpretation
(408)123-4567 (408)123-4567
123-4567 (415)123-4567
x4567 (415)962-4567
If you are entering the phone number on the command line
(instead of using a macro) please note that the ()'s need
to be escaped: \(408\)....
The following two options are installed primarily to help me debug
the code. There is probably no reason for general use of these options,
unless you have some perverse desire to see the guts of this thing
in operation.
-d debug: print the file locally rather than faxing it.
-x xmit off: don't run the shell script at all. PostScript file
will be left in ~/.faxorder.ps
Up to six FoodSpecs can be specified:
FoodSpec::=<type>[options*][/<name>]
<type> ::= [b|t|m|q|T]
(burrito, taco, mexico city, quesadilla, Taqitaco)
options:
+g gucamole
+c cheddar
+cc cotija
+cl cilantro
+cm monterey
+i"note" special instructions (e.g. black beans, no rice, etc.)
NOTE: the "s need to be escaped if the shell sees them:
+i\"note\"
+j whole jalepenos
+jf fresh jalapenos
+js sliced jalapenos
+n:<i> <i> copies of this food item. (default = 1)
+o olives
+s medium salsa
+sc sour cream
+sf fire salsa
+sh hot salsa
+sm mild salsa
+sv salsa verde
+t tomato
+v:ca carne azada
+v:cc chile colorado
+v:cv chile verde
+v:f fiesta
+v:l lengua (beef tongue)
+v:m mole (chicken)
+v:p pastor
+v:pb pollo borracho
+v:rb rice and beans (default)
+v:v vegetarian
+z:l large
+z:r regular (default)
+z:c chico (small)
-[option] cancels option. Not valid for ":" options or +i.
This is useful for modifying burrito macros specified in
.costenarc file.
example:
burrito -time +:30 b+g+cc+jf+jf+sf+sc-sc+i"Black Beans"+n:2/Ross \
b+v:cc+g+cm+sc+i"no rice"/Kathie
interpretation:
logged in user will pick up an order in 30 minutes.
Ross wants two rice and bean (default) burritos with
guacamole
cotija
fresh jalepenos (double)
fire salsa
no sour cream (cancelled)
Black beans (comment)
Kathie wants a Chile Colorado burrito with
guacamole
montery cheese
sour cream
no rice (comment)
You should keep your +i comments short, because there isn't much space on
the form for them, and the space is not used particularly well by my
PostScript program. "Black beans, no rice" is about as long a
message as it can handle.
FILES:
/etc/passwd
/usr/local/adobe/phones/adobe.phones
$HOME/.costenarc
$HOME/.faxorder.ps
ENVIRONMENT VARIABLES:
BURRITOPRINTER
BUGS:
There's all kinds of ways to break this thing. The lines in your
.costenarc file should be less than 1000 characters, or the stack will
get trashed. The PostScript program does not make particularly good
use of the "Comments" section of the form (controlled by the "+i"
switch), and doesn't detect when it is writing things off the side of
the page. I have no idea what will happen if the disk is full when
burrito tries to write the .faxorder.ps file, or if it can't open it
because the directory is protected, or whatever. But if you are
reasonable in your expectations of the program, and don't try to break
it, I think you'll find that it's adequate. For bug reports, see my
comments below about future enhancements.
FUTURE ENHANCEMENTS:
This is the kind of thing that everybody will have suggestions on
how to improve. I will duly record every feature enhancement request,
but I can't promise that I'll do any more than that. I have no
intention whatsoever, for example, of writing a Graphical User
Interface for this thing, even though so many people think that it's a
natural. As I have said (many times) before about this: "When I'm
done with the program, you are more than welcome to add any features
that you wish." Well, I'm (essentially) done. Anyone who wants the
source, it's in /user/thompson/public/burrito.c. Go for it.
[Some people have too much time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 May 1993 01:41:40 GMT
From: caz@owlnet.rice.edu (SMITTY)
Subject: Sanwa anyone?
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In article <cycloneC6zrD9.Hpu@netcom.com>, cyclone@netcom.com (Bill Sheppard) writes:
|> joshua@Veritas.COM (Joshua Levy) writes:
|>
|> >danfuzz@wastelands.kaleida.com (Dan Bornstein) writes:
|> >>What is "Sanwa" and why in the world should I boycott it?
|>
|> >Sorry, Sanwa is a bank.
|>
|> >Sanwa bank ran some print commericals which featured a picture of
|> >an older white male in a business suit, blind folded. A local group
|> >-- whos name I can not remember -- claimed that it was demeaning
|> >to European-Americans. They put up the signs. This group also
|> >writes letters to newspapers when they publish stories describing
|> >people as white, caucausian, redneck, hillbilly, etc. The insist
|> >on European-American, or something similar.
|>
|> Frankly, I find this ridiculous. This group has done an admittedly very
|> thorough job of posting these signs (mostly illegally, however) with the most
|> frivolous reason I've ever heard. Don't these people have anything better to
|> do? Who's going to eventually take the signs down, or are they just going to
|> add to the already out-of-control visual pollution and graffiti?
YEAH!!
AND WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO INSIST UPON CALLING US GLUTEAL DIVISIONS
'BUTTCRACKS'?! THIS IS A RACIST AND DEMEANING SLUR! US HINDCLEFTS RECEIVE
MORE ABUSE THAN ANY OTHER RACIAL SUB-GROUP......AND ALL BECAUSE WE ARE
CONSIDERED DISGUSTING AND FILTHY PORTIONS OF THE ANATOMY. IN FACT, REARFOLDS
ARE GENERALLY UPSTANDING AND ACTIVE MEMBERS OF THEIR COMMUNITIES, AND WE
WASH OURSELVES 6-10 TIMES DAILY WITH OUR TONGUES.
WE PREFER THE TERM 'NETHER BIFURCATIONS'.
NOW, AS TO THE MATTER OF YOUR ARTICLE, I WISH TO MAKE SOME GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
1) YOU ARE NOT BIZARRE. HENCE, YOU SHOULD NOT BE POSTING TO
TALK.BIZARRE.
2) YOU ARE NOT INFORMATIVE, ELEGANT, OR INTERESTING. HENCE, YOU
SHOULD NOT BE POSTING AT ALL.
3) YOU ARE NOT YOUR FATHER'S OLDSMOBILE. HENCE, YOU ARE A YUGO
IN HUMAN FORM.
4) YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE IN APPEARANCE, ODOR, TEXTURE, COLOR,
VOICE, OR SPIRIT. HENCE, YOU SHOULD BE RENDERED DOWN FOR
YOUR PULPY JUICES AND USED TO FORM THE BASE FOR A NUTRITIOUS
YET SATISFYING BREAKFAST DRINK.
5) YOU ARE NOT THE GANGLY, LOVABLE LOSER WHOSE MADCAP ANTICS KEEP
TELEVISION HUMANS IN STITCHES. HENCE, YOU *MUST* HAVE SOME
OTHER EXCUSE.
6) YOU ARE NOT, AT THIS TIME, IN POSSESSION OF ANY FLAVOR OR
VARIETY OF LIFE, HUMAN OR OTHERWISE. HENCE, YOU MUST
HAVE A NOTE FROM YOUR MOTHER TO INTERACT WITH THE GENERAL
PUBLIC.
7) YOU ARE NOT WELL-FAMILIARIZED WITH THIS NEWSGROUP'S FOCUS,
TENOR, STYLE, OR SOCIAL GLUE. HENCE, YOU MUST BE A NEWBIE.
8) YOU ARE NOT APPROVED BY THE F.D.A. FOR GENERAL CONSUMPTION.
HENCE.......
.....YOU ARE GOING IN THE CRACK.
*wudge*
--
SMITTY
crack kills
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 May 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: 8643mrail%umbsky.dnet@ns.umb.edu
Subject: Scientific Dictionary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From somewhere at UMass/Lowell
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup
of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter,
first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now
thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.
Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
simulation have failed. Instead, it has been
demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend
upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally
upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent
astrological connection, at last, vindicates the
alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all
science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first
science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and
talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad
diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling
the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all
the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-
smelling alcohol.
CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern
system of training professional scientists without
ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are
very good at simulated research.
Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads
to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a
British research laboratory where the tobacco is
smoked in abundance.
Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a
foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a
procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a
straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
chemist only does for fun.
Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The
practice of submitting manuscripts for publication
with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing
blue ink.
Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHAR-
MACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the
mutual adulteration of two or more elements.
Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete
before the purchase request is released.
Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination
chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-
diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable
to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of
en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
can drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate
until they drop from exhaustion.
First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in
an organic prep.
Flame Test: Trial by fire.
Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been
doing informally all along.
Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic
exams and never in real life.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical,
and physical chemists get through picking over the
periodic table.
Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods)
Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which
one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through
the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps
misnamed, because the gods probably would not be
pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty,
while Nature gets no credit for making it with great
ease.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
publications.
Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory
explosions.
Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
traditional academic grading system with a binary one
that can be handled by a large digital computer.
Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also
CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
the universe.
Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors
before they are built into a costly, full-scale
production facility.
Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An
obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students
just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are
appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by
most faculty members.
Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
grape juice and lab alcohol.
Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
decay frequently to the ground state.
Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a
formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E,
for example, applies to everything everywhere, and
therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is
good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives
only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if
enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of
humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the
glory.
Sagan: The international unit of humility.
Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to
explain anything are therefore futile.
SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".
Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman
nonmajors.
Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.
Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred
especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL
TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms
for prolonged periods. The condition is readily
cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the
lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
are easier to read.
Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the
village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with
Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who
was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is
used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table.
Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.
------------------------------
From: dhenry@plains.NoDak.edu
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Okay, here's the skinny (yes, it's true. I posted just to be able to use
that phrase). As if you needed to ask, btw, everything in this post is true.
Like the good slavering Sandboy that I am, I bought all the glorious
Sandstuff that fell off the Vertigo bandwagon. The Death poster, the Death
t-shirt, Platinum Death for $5 (my dealer owed me) -- you name it. Being
the low-quality snob that I am, I was more than pleased and sated with
my horde. I stapled the ol' poster up, tossed the Platinum issue on top
of my "read recently" pile, and otherwise was satisfied.
Then I wore the t-shirt.
Now, it's a great design, I think. It's a wonderful shirt, and it's worth
every penny I spent on it. This is where it gets weird:
Every time I've worn it, I've been propositioned by long-time lady friends
of mine who have, until they saw me with Didi on my chest, been far more
interested in remaining a bit more, um, distant in our relationships. As you
can see, this is a bit of a delicate subject.
Yet, out of the blue (black?), three separate women suddenly ask me to sleep
with them, who have been before basically no more than good bar buddies or
fellow journalists.
I'm trying hard not to come off like a cad here, but, frankly, I'm scared.
Three times I've worn the Death t-shirt. Three times a new woman has asked
me home. Are there explanations? Should there be? Was the Death picture
on my shirt silkscreened over one of the fabled "lost Desire" designs that
DC mysteriously cancelled just before the Vertigo explosion?
More importantly, has any one else experienced this difficulty? All I ever
wanted was a neat t-shirt with a classy anthropomorphic personalization on
it. I didn't want the fame, I didn't want the attraction; I just wanted to
be another brain-numbed fanboy on the path to self-somnomulation. What do
I get? Women! Ick! Cooties! I mean, I collect comic books! Isn't it obvious
enough that I don't want to deal with real life?
I'm really nervous about putting the thing on again. When it happened the
first time, I didn't even notice it, obviously. The second time, as I was
remarking to someone how the last time I wore it, I was picked up. The third
time was a deliberate test. I said nothing, did nothing, just sat down at my
job and worked on my next column. And, sure 'nuff, another woman just walks
over on her way out and asks me out for supper. Among other things.
So, rac-gurus, what should I do? I've considered a couple of options, but
I want some input before I put the thing on again -- it's hanging, right
now, from my rafters, already having dried from the wash, grinning
seductively at me. I don't know how long I can stand the temptation, the
driving, mocking glare daring me to try its luck again. What course should
I follow?
1) Magnaminous charity:
Obvious. I give the shirt to Elmo, who certainly needs it far more
than I. Yet, in doing so, how can I live with my conscience that a
friend will be trapped with this cursed shirt for the rest of his
life (or until his Annotations run out, whichever comes first)?
2) Cautious skepticism:
I keep wearing it. The trouble is, the next time I'm planning to
wear it is to Gaiman's apperance at Dreamhaven down in the Twin
Cities. There will be a Death lookalike contest there. I fear,
quite simply, for my life in that case.
3) Bold ignorance:
I forget superstition, past experience, and personal scientific
field research and just wear it whenever I feel like it. My current
path of choice.
4) Daring indulgence:
Like a latter-day Jim Morrison, I wear it -- and I don't take it
off! Never! Not until Christmas! I'll never shower the upper
half of my body 'till it's ripped off of me. How long can its
power last in *that* case? Unfortunately, probably longer than
my job, in this case.
5) Archeological indifference:
I file it away with my Elton John mirror-shirt, lava lamp collection
(largest certified collection in eastern North Dakota!), ABBA
8-tracks, and other odd relics of my life. Some future day, someone
more needy than I shall use its powers to bring him great happiness.
I'd leave a journal, of course, warning the indifferent discoverer.
Personally, I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just put it up for
auction on rac.marketplace. Any takers?
[Maybe David Koresh already bought it? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------