Yucks Digest V3 #18 (mostly shorts)

Yucks Digest                Fri,  4 Jun 93       Volume 3 : Issue  18 

Today's Topics:
                       bill & all send email...
                              Bill Gates
                            cutie (2 msgs)
                               GNU info
        Hemp Paper Offers Berkeley Only An Environmental High
                      I said, then he said.....
                      Meaningless Computer Names
                          millions of them!
                     New training class available
                         Nude Bible readings
                 Open letter to the sneaker industry
                       Posing for playing cards
                            Prison Ratings
                     PRIVACY Forum Digest V02 #18
                     PRIVACY Forum Digest V02 #19
                           Quote of the day
                  Rich & Famous Newsgroups - A Quiz!
                the latest "pc" tempest in a teapot...
                           The SG warns...
                           Triple X Letdown
                     Wisdom from Bell Labs (fwd)
                         wow, check this out
               yucks: Wall Street Journal on Steve Jobs

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 16:56:58 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

	              Office of Presidential Correspondence

	For Immediate Release                             June 1, 1993  


	     Dear Friends:

	     Part of our commitment to change is to keep the White House 
	in step with today's changing technology.  As we move ahead into 
	the twenty-first century, we must have a government that can show 
	the way and lead by example.  Today, we are pleased to announce 
	that for the first time in history, the White House will be 
	connected to you via electronic mail.  Electronic mail will bring 
	the Presidency and this Administration closer and make it more 
	accessible to the people.  

	     The White House will be connected to the Internet as well as 
	several on-line commercial vendors, thus making us more 
	accessible and more in touch with people across this country.  We 
	will not be alone in this venture.  Congress is also getting 
	involved, and an exciting announcement regarding electronic mail 
	is expected to come from the House of Representatives tomorrow.

	     Various government agencies also will be taking part in the 
	near future.  Americans Communicating Electronically is a project 
	developed by several government agencies to coordinate and 
	improve access to the nation's educational and information assets 
	and resources.  This will be done through interactive 
	communications such as electronic mail, and brought to people who 
	do not have ready access to a computer.
	     However, we must be realistic about the limitations and 
	expectations of the White House electronic mail system.  This 
	experiment is the first-ever e-mail project done on such a large 
	scale.  As we work to reinvent government and streamline our 
	processes, the e-mail project can help to put us on the leading 
	edge of progress.  

	     Initially, your e-mail message will be read and receipt 
	immediately acknowledged.  A careful count will be taken on the 
	number received as well as the subject of each message.  However, 
	the White House is not yet capable of sending back a tailored 
	response via electronic mail.  We are hoping this will happen by 
	the end of the year.

	     A number of response-based programs which allow technology 
	to help us read your message more effectively, and, eventually 
	respond to you electronically in a timely fashion will be tried 
	out as well.  These programs will change periodically as we 
	experiment with the best way to handle electronic mail from the 
	public.  Since this has never been tried before, it is important 
	to allow for some flexibility in the system in these first 
	stages.  We welcome your suggestions.

	     This is an historic moment in the White House and we look 
	forward to your participation and enthusiasm for this milestone 
	event.  We eagerly anticipate the day when electronic mail from 
	the public is an integral and normal part of the White House 
	communications system.

	          President Clinton        Vice President Gore


Date: Tue, 01 Jun 93 21:45:23 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: :-)
To: bob

	Forget about Billy Idol, screw compuserve. The white house is on
the Internet. This is the response I got to mail I sent to
"president@whitehouse.gov". Now *this* is a government for the 20th


------- Forwarded Message

Return-Path: postmaster@whitehouse.gov
Received: from whitehouse.gov by mentor.cc.purdue.edu (5.61/Purdue_CC)
	id AA10504; Tue, 1 Jun 93 21:42:07 -0500
Received: by whitehouse.gov (5.65/fma/mjr-120691);
	id AA01832; Tue, 1 Jun 93 22:38:05 -0400
Date: Tue, 1 Jun 93 22:38:05 -0400
From: postmaster@whitehouse.gov
Message-Id: <9306020238.AA01832@whitehouse.gov>
Apparently-To: <dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu>

     Thank you for sending in your thoughts and comments to the 
President via electronic mail.  We are pleased to introduce this 
new form of communication into the White House for the first time 
in history.  I welcome your response and participation.

     As we work to reinvent government and streamline our 
processes, this electronic mail experiment will help put us on 
the leading edge of progress.  Please remember, though, this is 
still very much an experiment.  

     Your message has been read, and we are keeping careful track 
of all the mail we are receiving electronically.  We will be 
trying out a number of reponse-based systems shortly, and I ask 
for your patience as we move forward to integrate electronic mail 
from the public into the White House.

     Again, on behalf of the President, thank you for your 
message and for taking part in the White House electronic mail 

                        Marsha Scott, Deputy Assistant
                        to the President and Director
                         of Correspondence

------- End of Forwarded Message


Date: Tue, 01 Jun 1993 21:24:36 -0500
From: sjc (Steve Chapin)
Subject: bill & all send email...
To: bala@research.att.com

bredbeddle : host whitehouse.gov
bredbeddle : fing @whitehouse.gov
[fing: cannot read response]
bredbeddle : telnet whitehouse.gov
Trying ...
Connected to whitehouse.gov.
Escape character is '^]'.
Connection closed by foreign host.

Dang.  Finally another machine that might rival Spaf's as a cracker
target :-)  Downright unfriendly people, though.


Date: Fri, 4 Jun 93 16:38:47 CDT
From: cris@scserv1.dseg.ti.com
Subject: Bill Gates
To: spaf

What will Bill Gates' fiancee discover on their wedding night?

Where he came up with the name "MicroSoft".


Date: 18 May 93 04:30:59 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: hp-pcd!harold

Slogan on T-shirts anonymously printed for Engineers Week:

"If you are smart enough to know that you're not
smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business."


Date: 27 May 93 04:31:06 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

[I was surprised when I checked the Yucks archive -- I never posted
this one before.  It continues to be one of my favorite jokes that can
be turned into a long, painful "shaggy dog" type of joke.  --spaf]

Contributed by: linus!ki

This story concerns a man who, after putting his young son to bed each
night, customarily stood by his boy's door with typical paternal pride
and listened in to his son saying his prayers.

One night, the boy ended his prayers with, ". . . God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandmom, and God bless Grandpop, who won't be
with us much longer."  The man though this was rather curious, but passed
it off as childish whimsy.  The next day, however, he received a call
from his mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that

During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Finally, one night, the boy closed
his prayers with, ". . . God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless
Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."  Although the shock of the
original incident had worn off during the intervening weeks, he nontheless
phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to bed only
partially reassured, but was awakened in the night by his sister calling
with the bad news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.

Surely the boy had nothing to do with these tragedies, but the father
had a series of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.

About a month later, the boy ended his prayers with, ". . . God bless Mommy,
and God bless Daddy, who won't be with us much longer."  The man was
panic-stricken, certain that, for whatever reason, he was going to die
during the night.  He resolved to stay awake all night; at least he wouldn't
die in his sleep, and if awake and alert he should be able to prevent any

The next morning, he was tremendously relieved that his vigil had been a
success.  The rest of the family got up just like any normal day, and he
showered, had breakfast, and walked out the door, headed for work.  There,
lying dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.


Date: Wed, 26 May 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: loren@pixar.com (Loren Carpenter)
Subject: GNU info
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Copied verbatim from a sign at the San Diego Zoo...

	Brindled Wildebeest or Gnu

	Connochaetes taurinus taurinus

	An African folk story says the wildebeest was
	created last, from leftover parts of other animals.
	Today we'd say it looks like it was put together by
	a committee.  When bothered, gnus even act like a
	committee.  They seem to run in all directions at
	once, thrashing their heads and tails wildly.

	Range:      Southern Tanzania to South Africa
	Habitat:    Grasslands and open woodlands
	Wild Diet:  Grass, leaves, herbs
	Zoo Diet:   Alfalfa pellets, hay, leaves
	Status:     Stable; this subspecies is rare in zoos

[Put together by a committee from leftover parts.  Yup, sounds like
GNU to me. :-)  --spaf]


Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1993 14:27:40 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Hemp Paper Offers Berkeley Only An Environmental High
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Hemp Paper Offers Berkeley Only An Environmental High
    -- Daily Cal, Wed. June 2, 1993
    By Sasha Thurman, contributing writer

Environmentally-concerned Berkeley residents finally have access to an
earth-friendly alternative to recycled paper products.

Yesterday marked the East Bay debut of Tree Free EcoPaper Inc. and its product,
a paper made from hemp and straw.

But according to company president Paul Stanford, those who hope to use the
paper (which is 50 percent cannabis hemp) for a potential high will be

While hemp plants are known for producing marijuana, the plants used to create
EcoPaper are harvested before they reach full maturity.

Consequently, the paper does not have narcotic qualities.

While other recycled papers may contain up to 50% virgin wood fibers, Tree
Free EcoPaper is produced without wood pulp, said Stanford, speaking at
Kinko's Copies at 901 University Ave.

Kinko's began using the eco-friendly paper yesterday on one of its
self-service machines.

EcoPaper, comprised of 50% hemp and 50% cereal straw, can be substituted
for wood-based paper, Stanford said.

In addition, Stanford said EcoPaper is bleached with hydrogen peroxide rather
than the toxic chlorine derivative used by many other paper manufacturers.
It can also be "recycled more than wood-based fiber," Stanford said, and that
it produces fewer waste products as a result.

Stanford said that Tree Free EcoPaper Inc. currently manufactures
its paper in China because of lenient government regulations on the growth
of hemp.

Stanford said it would be difficult to get the U.S. government to
change its regulations to allow production of the paper in America.

If the product is commercially successful, Stanford said his company may
begin manufacturing in Africa and move marketing operations to Europe.

He said low labor wages would offset the cost of EcoPaper's production
and allow it to remain competitive in a European market, where paper is
traditionally expensive.

Chris Moran, manager of the University Avenue Kinko's, said that he
was "responding to market demands" when he decided to include EcoPaper as a
choice for store customers.

According to Moran, a customer entered the store with a sample of EcoPaper and
requested that Kinko's carry it.

Even though the paper costs more per sheet than the recycled paper Kinko's
usually sells, Kinko's will sell EcoPaper at the same price as other papers.

EcoPaper Inc. has limited its advertising to single-page ads in Sierra
magazine and free samples sent to companies.

According to Stanford, "It was just a matter of getting the word out."

So far, word-of-mouth advertising has proven successful for the growing

After hearing that Kinko's had received the EcoPaper, the Rain Forest
Information Center purchased the case of 5000 sheets that Kinko's had
in stock.

The city of Berkeley has already ordered 10 cases of paper and UC Berkeley
faculty have expressed interest in the new paper, according to Moran.


Date: Wed, 26 May 93 10:54:32 -0400
From: mo@uunet.uu.net
Subject: I said, then he said.....
To: spaf

pipex.net is a commercial IP provider in England with whom we work closely
and I forward them the note about "74% of Brits" can't sort out
what Rice Krispies are made from.  He replied.....

From:    ian@pipex.net (Ian Phillipps)
Date:    Wed, 26 May 93 15:19:59 BST
To:      mo@uunet.UU.NET

>Source: Major British Advertising campaign, and confirmed by a friend

>Kelloggs have launched a TV ad claiming that 74% of the British Public
>don't know what 'Rice Crispies' are made from.

Don't worry. In England we laugh at similar statistics (can't remember
any off-hand) which come from the USA - you know 80% of people can't
identify Texas on a map of the USA, that sort of thing. The sheer
volume of ignorance around the world is truly amazing.

What are Rice Krispies made from, anyway?


- --------------------------
so I replied
- -------------------------

MessageName: (Message inbox:103)

From:    mo (Mike O'Dell)
Date:    Wed, 26 May 93 10:49:33 -0400
To:      ian@pipex.net
cc:      mo

Subject: Rice Krispies feedstock.....

100% pure reagent-grade krispies

they are explosively hydroformed into the "ricetta" shape
for public consumption.  sources at Monsanto chemical deny
they are in fact the principle synthesizer of krispies
feedstock but very few companies have the extensive experience
with protien co-polymers required to produce krispies in the
quantities required for mass consumption of "vast quantities."
Kellogg's emphatically refuses any comment on the
manufacturing process for Rice Krispies citing protection of 
critical trade secrets.


Date: Mon, 31 May 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: bscott@nyx.cs.du.edu (Ben Scott)
Subject: Meaningless Computer Names
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

(this is original; thanks go to Trygve Lode for additional word ideas)

                  Quiz: Test Your Computer Term Savvy!

Over the past few years I've begun to notice an insidious new trend in the
way computers and peripherals are named.  The loathsome practice of making
up a meaningless word for a product name, often ending in "a", had been
confined to the auto industry (what DO words like "Elantra", "Previa", or
"Acura" actually mean?!?), or so we had thought...

It started slowly, with company names like "Compaq", many years ago.  Then
it began to build up steam with the creation of words like "Advantis" and
"Futura".  Now it's an entrenched phenomenon, and I've come up with a quiz
to test YOUR knowledge of this hot marketing fad!

Select the letter representing the most likely definition for each word:

1.  "Pagemarq" is:

 A) the trade name for a type of radiator hose used in Japanese automobiles
 B) a rare fish, considered a delicacy in Laos
 C) a new laser printer from Compaq

2.  "Performa" is:

 A) the Welsh word for septic tank
 B) illegal in 49 states
 C) a line of cheap Apple Macintoshes

3.  "Primera" is:

 A) one of the moons of Jupiter
 B) the title of a little-known romantic poem by Lord Byron
 C) a printer from Fargo

4.  "Contura" is:

 A) an unusual vine found in Africa and used by the natives to cure warts
 B) a special kind of magnet
 C) a line of Compaq laptop computers

5.  "Taligent" is:

 A) a disease of sheep
 B) a famous composer of French advertising jingles in the 19th century
 C) a joint venture between IBM and Apple

6.  "Innova" is:

 A) a type of military weapon developed by Saddam Hussein
 B) one of the 50 words for "snow" in the Eskimo language
 C) a line of PC-clones from Canon

7.  "Kalieda" is:

 A) the sound caused by a leaky gasket in a fancy espresso machine
 B) the name of the guns carried by the aliens in last week's "Star Trek"
 C) a company Apple spun off for special projects

8.  "Prosignia" is:

 A) a surgical procedure, replaced by liposuction in the early 50's
 B) an almost-forgotten character from an early Disney film
 C) another line of cheap Compaq computers

9.  "Pentium" is:

 A) a rude slang term for nose hair among Pacific Islanders
 B) the bone in your wrist that hurts when you're unscrewing a jar lid
 C) an Intel CPU that will someday be released

10.  "Encarta" is:

 A) the mystery ingredient in McDonald's Secret Sauce
 B) an experimental, high-yield grain being tested by the FDA
 C) a CD-ROM encyclopedia from Microsoft

11.  "Contenda" is:

 A) an unpleasant shade of brown
 B) the forgotten eighth member of cast of "Gilligan's Island"
 C) a laptop computer from Zeos

12.  "Premia" is:

 A) the Oriental discipline of meditative toenail grooming
 B) a deadly skin condition characterized by colorful glandular secretions
 C) a line of computers from AST

13.  "Centris" is:

 A) a small town in Texas, birthplace of TV's talking horse "Mr. Ed"
 B) the sports term for the guy on a hockey team who repairs broken sticks
 C) a line of expensive Apple Macintoshes

Answers will be given in next week's post.
(this quiz is very hard on spellcheckers!)

Copyright (C) Ben Scott 1993


Date: Tue, 25 May 93 09:00:31 -0500
From: Matt Crawford <crawdad@munin.fnal.gov>
Subject: millions of them!
To: "Eniac,eniac,digital miracle" <eniac

Via Ellen Spertus & Henry Cate III:

I went to my first computer conference at the New York
Hilton about 20 years ago.  When somebody there predicted
the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the
millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go?
It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"

Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the
room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide
into slots in the doors.

There was a computer in every doorknob.

					-- Danny Hillis	


Date: Fri, 4 Jun 93 10:50:13 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: New training class available
To: spaf (Yucks List)

From: one of your corresponants

Since I know that
    1. People around here are not lazy
    2. People around here are not inconsiderate of others
    3. No one around here believes his/her time is more valuable
       than anyone else's time

I have drawn the conclusion that there must be another reason people don't  
make a new pot of coffee when they take the last of the coffee, not leaving  
enough for another cup. I believe the reason to be that there are some people  
that are intimidated by the coffee maker and may just not know how to use it.  
These people are also trying to be considerate and not brake it by misusing  
it. I can understand that it can be confusing to use, just like any other  
piece of hardware.

To eliminate this problem, I, as a member of the Systems Operations Group, am  
offering a course in "Basic Coffee Making". This will take only 10 minutes. An  
optional hands-on lab will immediately follow the class for those who wish to  
practice their new acquired skills.

If there is enough demand I will also hold an "Advanced Coffee Making" class,  
which will include topics such as "How to properly preheat a coffee pot" and  
"How to prepare the next pot for brewing".

The "Basic Coffee Making" course will be held in the 3rd floor kitchen and is  
available to all [company] Employees.

	Friday June 4, 11:00 am
	Monday June 7,  9:00 am
	(Other time scheduled at request)

-- [sa] --
(Education is a continuous process.)


Date: 1 Jun 1993 17:37:02 GMT
From: lmeissne@stein.u.washington.edu (Loren Meissner)
Subject: Nude Bible readings
Newsgroups: rec.nude

>	OLYMPIA, Wash. (UPI) -- A television program featuring nude bible
>readings was yanked off the air by Thurston County's public access
>television channel this week, but not because of the program's
>controversial content. Olympia police asked for a temporary suspension
>after the program's producer received a death threat.
>	Self-styled preacher Jake Drake disagreed with the cancellation of
>his bible readings in the buff and says he's ``prepared to die at any
>second'' for his beliefs.
>	Drake's half-hour programs include full frontal nudity as he sits in
>a chair and reads passages of scripture. The program does not violate
>city laws against pornography, according to the director of the public
>access T-V channel.
>	The FBI is assisting Olympia police in the investigation of the
>assassination and bomb threat against preacher Drake.


Date: Tue, 1 Jun 93 4:30:01 EDT
From: CRYWALT@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu (alt.my.head.hurts)
Subject: Open letter to the sneaker industry
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

A friend of mine who goes to Notre Dame sent this to me (which he wrote):

	Dear Nike, Reebok, Puma, Adidas, and other footware conglomerates,

	     As your average American, I spent a lot of time on the couch
	watching the Summer Olympics on television.  However, as
	consumers, we would appreciate it if you would stop molesting our
	integrity with your television advertisements which pander to
	the current physical fitness element.  We hope to stop this
	eagerness for constantly promoting your products showing people
	running, lifting weights, dunking basketballs, and other forms of
	testosterone on parade.  As if it wasn't bad enough your average
	pair of sneakers cost more than the Lincoln Town Car, you expect
	Americans to buy your product so they can get sweaty, suffer from
	incredible cramps, and feel out of shape.  It is our sincere
	belief that the merits of exercise are a myth promoted by the
	medical community to get back at the public for years of 
	threatening them with socialized medicine.
	    It is especially disappointing to see you pander to the
	physical fitness community when it would have been so easy to
	exploit the excitement generated during the Olympics.  With the
	proper mix of backyard barbecues, children playing with the
	family dog, and carpooling blue-collar workers (with thermos and
	hoagie in hand), your companies had a chance to make your brand
	of sneakers as American as motherhood, apple pie, and check
	kiting.  Instead, you chose to tell us to "just do it" because
	"life isn't a spectator sport."  Corporate America should be
	alerted to the fact that the general public has the same zeal for
	physical fitness as Bo Diddley, not Bo Jackson.  Are you trying to
	see if your stock can sink faster than the Titanic?  You can't 	
	expect to sell trendsetting footwear at incredibly marked-up
	retail prices when your commercials lead people to believe your
	board of directors is being held hostage by Army recruiters.
	     I hope you have come to grasp how diabolically insulting to 
	this something-for-nothing generation your advertisements really
	are.  Your hazardous association of exercise and a happy
	individual really angers me.  To put this travesty in perspective,
	your current advertisements upset me more than liberals in 
	Congress, people who tell me how to drive, and the sudden
	popularity of spandex.  Quite frankly, you deserve the recession
	we're in.


				Citizens for a Fitness-Free America

[I can, sadly, identify with this. --spaf]


Date: 31 May 1993 11:25:58 GMT
From: i930219@redgum.ucnv.edu.au <David Sims>
Subject: Posing for playing cards
Newsgroups: rec.nude

I have recently had a friend take a series of photos of me nude in various
poses, from spreadeagled on the floor, to bending over a large wooden chest of drawers.  I wish to have these photo's made into playing cards so that I can
send them to family and friends as a novel christmas idea.  I do not really
want to have them commercially done as many would find my poses sickening, esp
especially the one with me exposing my appendix scar to the camera.  Anyways,
could someone suggest the best way for me to produce these cards, or a place
where I can have them made with a minimum of fuss and bother.

If anyone wishes to buy a pack when I get them done, I will be offereing a 
discount to all netusers.  Thanks in advance for your assistance,

[Right, so they are too disgusting for commercial use, but suitable
for netter's at a discount.  This guy is obviously not a net novice.  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 16:57:09 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Prison Ratings
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

>From Newsweek magazine, June 7, 1993 issue:

Felon Facilities, One to Four Stars

Think of it as a Baedeker for bank robbers. The Federal Prison Journal
is a new guide to life behind bars, offering tips on 99 prisons for cons-
to-be. Compiled by the Lawyer's Network, a Louisiana based judicial-
research group, the $30 book is advertised in venues like Outlaw Biker
magazine. It covers lodging, meals, medical services, visiting hours,
work release and furlough programs. It also tells what amenities to
expect. The top security pen in marion, Ill., features a 23-hour-a-day
lockdown, during which inmates are confined to their cells. Life in
other pens is more congenial, with pool tables, racquetball courts and
bocci games for aging wiseguys. The guide doesn't rate jail fare, but it
does indicate whether kosher or other special diets are available.
Sample tip: beat the heat with a snow cone from the outdoor refreshment
stand at Butner, N.C.


Date: Thu, 27 May 93 23:10 PDT
From: privacy@vortex.com (PRIVACY Forum)
Subject: PRIVACY Forum Digest V02 #18
To: PRIVACY-Forum-List@vortex.com

   Quote for the day:

	"This paper is 100% unrecycled.  Whole forests were
	 leveled, thousands of small furry animals left homeless,
	 and vast virgin landscapes devastated, to make this book."

		-- From the last page of "Science Made Stupid"
		   by Tom Weller (1985)

[Lots o' more serious stuff deleted.]


Date: Fri, 4 Jun 93 00:52 PDT
From: privacy@vortex.com (PRIVACY Forum)
Subject: PRIVACY Forum Digest V02 #19
To: PRIVACY-Forum-List@vortex.com

   Quote for the day:

	"When I play with my cat, who knows whether she isn't amusing
         herself with me more than I am with her?"

				-- Montaigne (1533-1592)

[Lots o' more serious stuff deleted.]


Date: Mon, 31 May 93 16:54:33 EDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"Creationists, convinced that Darwin's evolutionary hypothesis was
heresy, were dealt a possibly mortal blow once, Mr. Cherry emerged as
the star of Yahoo's Corner on Molson's Hockey Night in Canada.  Here,
if it were needed, was proof positive not only that man was descended
from the baboon, but also that in the case of at least one born in an
obscure corner of Kingston, Ontario, the evolutionary ascent was far
from complete.  In a country where an increasing number of people are
struggling to become bilingual, Cherry still finds unilingualism a
daunting challenge.  Handicapped by a vocabulary that could be
enriched by reading one of Dr. Seuss's books for beginning readers,
his mangled idiom lacks the artistry of Casey Stengel or Yogi Berra.
.... But to be fair, this darling of rednecks from coast to fabled
coast, is an inspirational figure.  An appropriate role model for
cretins.  He has established that a six-figure income is not beyond
the dim-witted, providing they are willing to play the boor and dress
like a harlequin."

 -- Mordecai Richler, commenting on Don Cherry, in his lament over the
past glory years of Canada's national game -- hockey


Date: Fri, 28 May 93 3:25:03 EDT
From: quinn@ee-cf.stanford.edu (Christine A. Quinn)
Subject: Rich & Famous Newsgroups - A Quiz!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

If the rich & famous (tm) read the netnews what groups would they read?
In the left column is a set of newsgroup lists - in the right column
a list of names.  See if you can match the names with the list of 
newsgroups they might read! (note: the newsgroups listed are active news-
groups as of Mar. 30, 1993)

1. alt.binaries.pictures.erotica	 A. Oliver Stone

2. rec.humor.funny			 B. David Koresh    

3. misc.entrepreneurs  			C. Bill Gates

4. soc.singles 				D. Philip Roth     

5. rec.guns 				E. Ross Perot      

6. alt.clubs.compsci			F. Jeffrey Dahmer 

7. alt.conspiracy.jfk 			G. Lady Diana 

8. soc.culture.british 			H. Bill Clinton    

9. rec.org.mensa 			I. President of NBC 

10. rec.pyrotechnics 			J. Jay Leno

11. rec.games.cyber 			K. Charlie Brown  

12. rec.kites 				L. Arnold Schwarzenegger

13. rec.arts.books 			M. Jimmy Swaggart


Date: Thu, 3 Jun 93 09:39:49 CDT
From: gatech!iquery.iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: the latest "pc" tempest in a teapot...
To: spaf

For those don't catch the Politically Correct Propaganda network (aka 
NPR), the latest PC whipping boy issue is (I'm not making this up) 
sexual harassment in high school.  I had to get out the square-point 
shovel and my hip boots to clean up all the BS that flew out of my 
radio during the three minute segment on this "hot topic".  Excuse me,
but are these people talking about the same period of life that I
remember as high school?  When I was around sixteen, I would have 
stood for hours in the hot sun to snatch just a few blissful moments 
of sexual harassment by almost any of the woman students and teachers 
at my high school.  (Okay, the three-hundred poun--er, I mean
"dietetically challenged"--ones I would pass on.)  While I remember my
female classmates as slightly less sexually obsessed than the other half
of the student body, I do remember that the keyword was "slightly."  
How in the hell did we get to a point in this country where people
wasting time on this kind of issue get taken seriously?


Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 21:58:04 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: The SG warns...
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate
Dr.  Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for
non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not
definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any
specific form of physical or psysiological deterioration, have been
determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human
condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator. While
implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as
cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said
activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common
etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or
accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing
or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by  and
erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American


1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of
     your accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
       parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper
       scooper in your hand.
29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is
       too hot."
31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
       cheat again next year.
35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian


Date: Fri, 28 May 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: RTRAVSKY@corral.uwyo.edu (Rich Travsky 3668 (307) 766-3663/3668)
Subject: Triple X Letdown
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

True, as reported in one of our state-wide papers.

Seems a young man in one our state's larger cities, hereinafter referred 
to as the plaintiff, is trying to sue a video store in said city,
after purchasing an adult video whose description overexaggerated
what he actually viewed. 

The description stated that an actress, one "Busty Belle", was the video's 
star, but the plaintiff, stopwatch evidently in hand, found that the star 
was on camera a mere 8 or 9 minutes.

Plaintiff is asking damages of $29.95, the cost of the video, $55.79 for
medical costs for an asthma attack suffered as a result of stress and 
strain of being ripped off, and finally, $50,000 for suffering.

The county district court originally dismissed the case, but the case 
has made its to the state supreme court, which has revived the suit.
Seems the plaintiff, who also was acting as his own attorney, wasn't
given enough notice of the district court's intention to dismiss the
case and that plaintiff, deserves a chance to challenge the dismissal.


Date: Wed, 2 Jun 1993 11:05:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.ulowell.edu>
Subject: Wisdom from Bell Labs (fwd)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

Forwarded message:
> From rlw@ida.org Wed Jun  2 09:38:34 1993
> Date: Wed, 2 Jun 93 09:36:04 EDT
> From: rlw@ida.org (Richard Wexelblat)

> Subject: Wisdom from Bell Labs

> There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as
> easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no
> longer know how to use my telephone.
> (Reported to have been uttered by Bjarne Stroustrup at the Second A.J.
>  Perlis Symposium on Computer Languages)


Date: Fri, 28 May 93 10:10:36 PDT
From: Mike Spitzer <mjs@sequent.com>
Subject: wow, check this out
To: bob

Has anyone else noticed that there are exactly 992 pages in volume one
of the Portland yellow pages (going by the page numbers, and not
counting the white colored pages at the beginning)?  Amazing.

[Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands. --spaf]


Date: 30 May 93 00:01:07 EDT (Sun)
From: mark@stargate.stargate.com
Subject: yucks: Wall Street Journal on Steve Jobs
To: spaf

Excerpted from the 5/18 Wall Street Journal, an article about Steve Jobs
troubles at Next:

	Mr Jobs tenaciously stuck to his visions even though his allies
	advocated changes.  One befuddling example was his insistence
	that Next's computers have only the optical-disk drive instead
	of industry-standard floppy-disk drives.  Mr. Jobs said the
	optical drive would let users carry all their files and
	software around on one disk - a vision he called "The World in
	Your Pocket."  His argument, says a former colleague, was that
	"We've figured it out and everyone else will catch up."

	Optical-disk drives are indeed expected to become standard in
	the future, but Mr. Jobs was too far ahead of the crowd.
	Software makers refused to put programs on optical disks, and
	Next's distributors, customers and engineers clamored for a
	floppy drive.  In late 1989, frustration with Mr. Jobs's
	intrasigence boiled over at a staff meeting, where an employee
	asked him when Next would install floppy drives.  Mr. Jobs
	insisted a floppy wasn't necessary.  Another employee
	persisted, and soon the meeting erupted in a chant: "We need a
	f-- floppy.  We need a f-- floppy."  Still, Mr. Jobs refused,
	though he relented soon afterward, agreeing to design a floppy
	into a future model.


End of Yucks Digest