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Yucks Digest V3 #17 (mostly shorts)




Yucks Digest                Tue, 25 May 93       Volume 3 : Issue  17 

Today's Topics:
                    1993 SUMMER CAMP OPPORTUNITIES
                            Autoeroticism
                            cutie (3 msgs)
                            funny, ha-ha?
     FW: Female vigilante (subtitled by Pete: "Twist and Shout")
            FYI: a new mailing list of a specialist nature
                                 Har
                         I don't give a shit
                     I hate quotations --Emerson
             In re Admission to Harvard Undergrad School
                             moo.request
                           Net Widow Survey
                              NT forward
                            O2 depravation
                            Penis Smilies
                      Quote of the day (3 msgs)
                   smile, you are on Candid Camera
              Taylor Series - a matter of life or death
                   There will always be an England
    What if organized religion took over checking accounts? (fwd)
                     What to do with $47 Million
                         White Men Can't Jump

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 17 May 1993 00:17:55 GMT
From: bdunn@cco.caltech.edu (Brendan Dunn)
Subject: 1993 SUMMER CAMP OPPORTUNITIES
Newsgroups: alt.cesium

	AMSWWBUW ANNOUNCES CAMP BERNIC OPPORTUNITIES FOR AGES 9-14


	Remember the fun times you had at summer camp?  Hiking in the woods.
Canoeing on the lake.  Campfire songs and roasting marshmallows.  Sneaking
into the counsellor's cabin at night and filling his shower head with
cesium...
	Camp Bernic, the AMSWWBUW's wilderness center, offers all this and
more.  Camp Bernic is located on 55,000 acres along the shore of Bernic Lake
in scenic Manitoba.  It is designed to allow children ages 9-14 to interact
with nature and the world of science in new and interesting ways.  In addition
to the traditional summer camp activities, Camp Bernic offers many new
concepts that combine to provide a truly unique camping experience.
	We are offering 12 one-week camping excursions, starting each Monday
from June 14 until August 29.  Here is what a our typical week at Camp Bernic
includes.
	Monday:  Campers arrive at Winnipeg International Airport, and board
buses to camp.  After arrival, there is a short orientation session, followed
by a campfire.
	Tuesday:  Hiking along our 43 miles of established trails. 
Counsellors assist campers in the collection of wildlife specimens along
the way.  
	Wednesday:  Guided tour of the world's largest cesium mine, located
just 12 miles from our camp.  Free samples for all.
	Thursday:  Campers work on projects in our "Creative Project Center".
These include the building entries for our Cesium Contraption Contest, and
other projects of the campers' design.  One camper last year designed and
built "Woodchuck Man" by grafting various parts of a woodchuck onto a 
fellow camper.  Creativity and ingenuity are stressed.
	Friday:  Continued working on projects.  Canoe trip on Bernic Lake.
	Saturday:  Cesium Contraption Contest on the beach.  Free cesium
for all.  Campers share results of projects.  Final campfire, award
ceremony (everyone receives a prize, there are no losers at Camp Bernic),
and our "Reject Roundup" in which campers help each other to track down
and capture any escaped Creative Projects.
	Sunday:  Campers pack and board buses for Winnipeg.

	Not only is Camp Bernic the experience of a lifetime, it is affordable.
A week at Camp Bernic is only $199 ($249 Canadian), not including airfare.
In addition, our campers are often able to repay this amount by selling
their Creative Projects to travelling circuses.  Woodchuck Man alone
brought its designer $750 (Can.)!  As you can see, Camp Bernic can enrich
more than your child's mind.

	For more information, and for a Camp Bernic application form, write
to:

	Camp Bernic c/o
	AMSWWBUW Labs
	P.O. Box 1034
	Lancaster, CA 93534-1034

	P.S.  We are also looking for counsellors!  If you are interested
in becoming a Camp Bernic counsellor, write to us, and ask for a counsellor 
application form.

[I last reported on alt.cesium in V2, #47 of Yucks.
It's nice to know that the group has kept on as...whatever it
has kept on as.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 14:38:32 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Autoeroticism
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

>From the *News of the Weird*, April 30, 1993 San Jose Mercury News:

	In a 1992 issue of Sexual and Marital Therapy journal, two
	therapists at the Institute of Psychiatry in London described
	"orgasmic reconditioning" they performed on their patient,
	George, age 20.   They reported "partial" success in getting
	George to switch his masturbatory stimuli from the family car,
	an Austin Metro, to photographs of naked women.  George had
	reported arousal previously only when sitting in the car or when
	squatting behind it while the engine was running.

------------------------------

Date: 21 May 93 09:09:21 EDT (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Fun with Oxymora  (From the March 1993 "Arts & Entertainment Magazine")

Some phrases we use frequently which bear closer examination:

Pretty Ugly             Death Benefits          Criminal Justice
Working Vacation        Benign Cancer           Mobil Station
Extensive Briefing      Friendly Takeover       Same Difference
Non-dairy Creamer       Unbiased Opinion        Tragic Comedy
Sure Bet                Barely Dressed          Standard Deviation
Homeless Shelter        Science Fiction         Kick Boxing
Workers' Lounge         Temperance Party        Fresh Frozen
Live Recording          Civil War               Global Village
Baked Alaska            Exercise Junkie         Plastic Glasses
Partially Complete      Exact Estimate          Home Office
Great Depression        Soviet Union            Cardinal Sin
Minor Miracle           Real Potential          Foxy Chick
Night Light             Said Nothing            Jumbo Shrimp

------------------------------

Date: 20 May 93 04:31:35 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

   Not too long ago, a story make the rounds of Washington that ran
like this:
   A senator had achieved great fame through his public speaking.
He was even mentioned for Secretary of State, and possibly Vice
President.  What people didn't know, though, was that this great
orator could not write a speech to save his life.  He had a ghost
writer and all the senator did was read the words the other man
had written.  One other thing you have to know is that the senator
never once gave any credit to his ghost writer.
   Finally, on the last day of the senator's term of office, he
was called upon to address a large gathering in his honor.  As he
went to the dais, the ghost writer handed him his speech.  And
sure enough, it was a fantastic talk.  Time after time, he had the
audience on its feet applauding.  Then he came to the next to the
last page of his speech, and he read:

   "And now, Mr. President, fellow members of the Congess, friends:
In this last two minutes of my term of office, I want to set
before you four principles that have come to me out of a lifetime
of study.  Principles which, if put into practice by our
government, could bring peace to the Mid-East, take care of
unemployment, and prevent recession.  In all humility, but with a
deep conviction, I set them before you now..."

   He turned the page.  The page was blank, except for a note
from his ghost writer which read, "You're on your own now, Bud."

   -- Eugene H. Buxton

------------------------------

Date: 25 May 93 04:31:31 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@merlin.gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

  It's important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your
  brains fall out.

      Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 May 93 16:04:48 TZ
From: Matthew Bradburn <mattbr@microsoft.com>
Subject: funny, ha-ha?
To: bob

I saw this on the net, and thought I'd better re-broadcast it here
before someone else did (this way I can be a good sport, instead
of the brunt of someone else's joke).

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a
   lightbulb?
A: None:  they just define darkness as an industry standard.

------------------------------

Date: Friday, May 21, 1993 9:34AM
From: Jennifer Palmer
Subject: FW: Female vigilante (subtitled by Pete: "Twist and Shout")
To: Pete Apple (Sequent Computer System, In)

This is great!

<FWD's removed>


For those who don't read the Seattle Times, the following article was
written by Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune.

A WOMAN FOR OUR TIMES

We've had the year of the woman and it is still going on, with females
being elected to high office and named to Cabinet posts, and the power
of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

But what about Curtescine Lloyd? You never heard of her? Well, she is
my choice as one of the most amazing and heroic women of recent years.

Ms. Lloyd is a middle-aged nurse who lives with an elderly aunt in the
rural hamlet of Edwards, Miss., near Jackson.

This is her story, most of it taken from a court transcript.

One night, Ms. Lloyd was awakened by a sound. She thought it was her
aunt going to the bathroom.

Suddenly a man stepped into her bedroom. Terrified, she sat up. He
shoved her down and said: "Bitch, you better not turn on a light. You
holler, you're dead. You better not breathe loud."

He declared his intentions, which were to rob her and commit sexual
assault. Then he took off most of his clothing and jumped into bed.

Here is what happened next, according to court records:

Ms. lloyd:  "I got it. I grabbed it by my right hand. And when I yanked
it, I twisted all at the same time."

"He hit me with his right hand a hard blow beside the head, and when he
hit me, I grabbed hold to his scrotum with my left hand and I was
twisting it the opposite way. He started to yell  ... and he hit a
couple of more licks, but they were light licks. He was weakening some
then."

With Ms. Lloyd still hanging on with both hands, they somehow struggled
into the hallway.

"He was trying to get out, and I'm hanging onto him; and he was
throwing me from one side of the hall wall to the other... .

"So I was determined I was not going to turn it loose. So we were going
down the hallway, falling from one side to the other, and we got into
the living room and we both fell.

"He says, 'You've got me, you've got me, please, you've got me.' I
said, 'I know damn well I got you.' He said, 'Please, please, you're
killing me, you're killing me ... . Call the police.'

"I said, 'Do you think I'm stupid enough to turn you loose and call the
police?' He said, 'Well, what am I gonna do?' I said, 'You're gonna get
the hell out of my house.' He said, 'How can I get out of your house if
you won't let me go? How can I get out?'

"I said, 'Break out, son-of-a-bitch. You broke in, didn't you?' And I
was still holding him.

"He said, 'Oh, you've got me suffering, lady.' I said, 'Have you
thought about how you were going to have me suffering?'

Ms. Lloyd dragged the lout to the door, which had two locks, and told
him to unbolt them.

When he unlocked the doors, he screamed: "I'm out, I'm out."

But Ms. Lloyd said: "No, dammnit, I'm taking your a-- to the end of the
porch. And when I turn you loose, I'm going to get my gun and I'm going
to blow your (obscenity) brains out, you nasty, stinking, low-down
dirty piece of (obscenity).

"And when I did that, I gave it a twist, and I turned him loose... .

"And I ran into my aunt's room, got her pistol from underneath the
nighstand ... and I fired two shots down the hill the way I saw him go.
And then I ran back in the house and dialed 911."

The police came and examined the man's clothing. Inside the trousers
was written the name Dwight Coverson. They found Coverson, 29 at home,
in considerable pain.

A one-day trial was held. As Coverson's lawyer said: "The jury was out
10 minutes. Long enough for two of them to go to the bathroom."

The judge gave him 25 years.

The defense lawyer also said that Ms. Lloyd had been contacted about a
possible movie of her story.


[comment by Dave Stevens:
	So I guess you could say the penal system really works.]

[comment by Aki Fleshler:
	... in a twisted sort of way.]

------------------------------

Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bondage,rec.food.cooking
From: arielle@taronga.com (Stephanie da Silva)
Subject: Announcing a new mailing list -- Endorphins
Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 10:19:04 GMT

For those of you who don't know, I moderate rec.food.recipes and I've 
been a poster on rec.food.cooking for at least 2 years.  Lately, I've 
been hanging around a few new groups, including alt.sex.bondage.  

One of the more interesting things I've discovered (judging from the 
feedback I've received), is there is a lot of crossover between asb 
and rfr/rfc.  It's a coincidence that makes me go "hm."  I've been
following a lot of threads on both groups and have watched with a keen
interest the laments from people who want a chile mailing list and
those who want a spanking mailing list.

Then a novel idea hit me!  Why not create a mailing list for all these
people so they'll be happy?  So that's exactly what I did.  I've named
it "endorphins."  So now there's a place to talk about chile peppers or 
spanking or maybe spanking your bottom while you're eating chile peppers 
or whatever.

It's unmoderated and set up solely as a mail reflector here on Taronga
(I'm moderating too many other things as it is now).  To join, send a 
request to endorphins-request@taronga.com and to post to the list, send 
email to endorphins@taronga.com.  I just tested it out and it works all 
fine and peachy keen.

Have fun!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 May 93 20:22:05 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Har
To: ross@qcktrn.com, eli@cisco.com, pdh@cadence.com, chief@cadence.com

    Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale 
                          by Jim Garner 
              copied by Andy Tiarks  April 24, 1993 
       originally appeared in "Comic Relief"  April, 1993 
 
          There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who 
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her 
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water 
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, 
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a 
feeling of community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, 
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully 
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. 
          So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food 
through the woods.  Many people she knew believed that the forest 
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it.  Red 
Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own budding sexuality 
that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her. 
          On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was 
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.  She 
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is 
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." 
          The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a 
little girl to walk through these woods alone." 
          Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark 
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your 
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which 
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview.  Now, 
if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way." 
          Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, 
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish 
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a 
quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst into the house and ate 
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as 
himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what 
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and 
crawled into bed. 
          Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, 
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you 
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." 
          From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, 
so that I might see you." 
          Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically 
challenged as a bat.  Grandma, what big eyes you have!" 
          "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." 
          "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of 
course, and certainly attractive in its own way." 
          "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." 
          "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" 
          The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," 
and leaped out of bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, 
intent on devouring her.  Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of 
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but 
because of his willful invasion of her personal space. 
          Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person 
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he 
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. 
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. 
          "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding 
Hood. 
          The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but 
no words came to him. 
          "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your 
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist! 
Speciesist!  How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve 
their own problems without a man's help!" 
          When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped 
out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut 
his head off.  After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the 
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.  They decided to set up 
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, 
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. 

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 09:51:17 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Paul M. Wexelblat" <wex@cs.ulowell.edu>
Subject: I don't give a shit
To: spaf

RE: the following item from the latest YUCKS

(FYI)

Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"I don't think they're going to see a great, great uproar in the country
 about the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's
 headquarters."

 - former U.S. President and amateur criminal Richard Nixon utters the
   political understatement of his life, recorded in 1972.  The tape
   recording was released on May 17, 1993


(Not a flame, just thought you might be interested...)

The actual quotation, typical of both Nixon and the press, was slightly
different.

Nixon said that he didn't believe that "...they are going to give a shit..."
(PBS _did_ report the line verbatum) (typical of PBS, too :-> )

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 23 May 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: SHARAD@ucsvax.ucs.umass.edu (Sharad Singhai)
Subject: I hate quotations --Emerson
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

I saw this quote in Henry Massalin's PhD thesis. I found it
really funny.

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulder of giants.
	-- Isaac Newton

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants
were standing on my shoulders.
	-- Hal Abelson

In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
	-- Brian K. Reed

[I suspect that was Brian Reid, rather than "Reed".  I hope
Henry got it correct.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 23 May 93 20:03:16 PDT
From: Mayank_K_Kothari@cup.portal.com
Subject: In re Admission to Harvard Undergrad School
Newsgroups: soc.college,sci.edu,news.misc

Please Email any information of the entrance requirements,
non academic achievements such as winning tennis tournaments,
do they actively seek female students at this time?
Thanks!!!

["Winning tennis tournaments"?  I thought that was only for the UC
schools.   However, I know some Harvard grads who actively sought
female students, so maybe Mayank has the right idea. --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 19 May 93 11:11:13 EDT
From: turnerbl@ucbeh.san.uc.edu
Subject: moo.request
Newsgroups: alt.cows.moo.moo.moo

Could someone please repost the name and 800 number of the store out west that
sells cow paraphanialia?  Our letter carrier has been swiping our catalogues.

thanks!

[What is this nation coming to when the postal carriers steal
cow paraphernalia catalogs?  No wonder they are always shooting up
the office -- there are probably not enough catalogs to
go around.

I also worry about folks there at the University of Cincinnati --
according to Webster's dictionary:
par.a.pher.na.lia \.par-*-f*(r)-'na-l-y*\ n [ML, deriv. of Gk parapherna 
  goods a bride brings over and above the dowr] pl but sing or pl in constr
  y, fr. para- + pherne- dowry, fr. pherein to bear - more at BEAR 1: the 
  separate real or personal property of a married woman that she can dispose
  of by will and sometimes according to common law during her life

Is marrying a cow legal in Ohio?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 21 May 93 15:38:41 GMT
From: rorschak@daimi.aau.dk (Jesper Lauridsen)
Subject: Net Widow Survey
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers,alt.irc.recovery,alt.usenet.recovery,alt.culture.usenet,news.misc

root@kilowatt (Kilowatt admin) writes:

>	I've often had the same problem... where other people would lay back
>and have a cigerette (I don't smoke), I sit down in front of the computer :)

That is how it starts. At first it's enough to read news after sex. Then 
you start reading before sex and soon you'll find yourself reading while
having sex. From there it's only a little step before you read news 
instead of having sex.

Welcome Brother!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 18:34:58 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: NT forward
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Actually I have SOLID information that Windows NT will be distributed in
chain letter form.  Within 60 days you will receive a letter containing a
list of names and addresses, along with instructions to write 10 lines of
C code and send them to the address at the top of the list before you add
your name at the bottom and mail copies to 84 of your friends.  Having
done that you will simply simply sit back and wait a few weeks to receive
12.5 million lines of NT source code, which you will then compile and link
to form your NT system.

DO NOT break the chain.  Microsoft has spent billions figuring out what to
do to people who break the chain.  One beta tester forgot to mail his
source code, and within ten days his system was attacked by a virus and
then destroyed by a power surge.  A woman told her friend not to respond
to the pre-release letter, and within hours she fell into a hole and was
devoured by poisonous NT bugs!  Another man sent the letter back to
Microsoft, and within weeks he began hallucinating and ended up in
a mental hospital, endlessly repeating the word "downsizing".

Don't tell anyone that you heard this from me.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 May 93 16:19:05 PDT
From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson)
Subject: O2 depravation
Newsgroups: sci.med

> Does anyone know if there are any risks to holding your breath for too long?
> 
> Can this indeed precipitate brain damage, or not?
> If I don't pass out is that a guarantee that my brain isn't dying yet?

Absolutely not.  About 10% of the population has enough self-control
that they can hold their breath past "the point of no return" at which
no amount of breathing, no matter how fast or deep, can save themselves
from permanent brain damage, including seizures and death.  The problem occurs
because after a certain amount of oxygen depravity the body tissues
(such as mussels) become depraved themselves.  When breathing resumes,
they soak up oxygen like sponges, resulting in a completely oxygen-
depraved bloodflow, which results in death of brain cells.

I hope that's cleared everything up for you.  Holding your breath
is indeed a dangerous thing to do.  :-)

[If one's body tissues includes mussels, they are unlikely to
act like sponges -- that's a different species.

However, I especially like the image of "oxygen-depraved." That may
explain my problems.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 13 May 1993 14:32:11 GMT
From: skip@rosalyn.stat.uga.edu (Skip Gundlach)
Subject: Penis Smilies
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet

In article <1ssb25INNdk3@gap.caltech.edu> slr@cco.caltech.edu (Steve L. Rhoades) writes:
>
>Found on Alt.sex.wizards:
>-------------------------
>
>From: Wynn Martin <wynn@odin.mda.uth.tmc.edu>
>Newsgroups: alt.sex.wizards
>Subject: Penis smilies
>Date: 13 May 1993 00:25:01 GMT
>
>My contribution to the world of e-mail:  Penis Smilies!
>
>8-    Penis (with two testicles)
>o-    Penis, one testicle
>8=    Two testicles and double-penis
>8-->  Penis, erect
>88-   Four testicles and a stubby little penis
>:=    Double-penis and stubby little testicles
>X-    Sterile.
>$-    Pecker du Perot
>69-   Yin/Yang penis (testicles in harmony)
>88==> Run away!  Run away!
>
>
>Maybe people have some suggestions for a few more.  I don't know what to call
>this, for instance:  %-
>
Vasectomized?

>Good luck.

[Some people have entirely too much free time.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 20 May 93 21:32:07 EDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

EARLY RESEARCH ON TATTOOS AND DEGENERACY

Robert Lighty, Archhitecture Department, MIT, Cambridge Massachusetts

The Viennese architect Adolf Loos (1870-1933) was noted for his
radical esthetic purism and for his zealous opposition to Art Nouveau
and the German Werkbund. In his essay "Ornament and Crime"* (1908)
Loos presented the results of his research on the subject of tattoos:

"The modern man who tattoos himself is either a criminal or
degenerate. There are prisons in which eighty percent of the inmates
show tattoos. The tattooed who are not in prison are latent criminals
or degenerate aristocrats. If someone who is tattooed dies at liberty,
it means he has died a few years before commiitting a murder."

It is to be hoped that modern investigators will attempt to replicate
Loos's findings and explicate them in the light of recent advances in
social science.

*Reprinted in _Programs and Manifestoes of Twentieth Century
Architecture_  by U. Conrad, MIT Press, 1984, pp. 19-24

** All of the above quoted from _The Journal of Irreproducible
Results_ V.38 #3, March/April 1993, pp. 23.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 21:49:45 -0400 (EDT)
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

>From the Ottawa Citizen (May 18, 1993)..............

Caption under ph photo

The Stompin' Doctor
Stompin' Tom Connors, 57, has a doctor of laws (sic) robes placed
over his cowboy hat Monday at St. Thomas University.  The Fredericton
university conferred an honorary (their spelling) on Connors for his
songs.  When asked whether he'd be called Dr. Stompin' Tom Connors
from now on, the singer suggested that he could confer on the
university the special name: "the Stompin' St. Thomas University."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 20 May 93 11:15:01 CDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can
remember.  Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider
struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in
spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and
wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your
head off.  This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe.

                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"

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Date: Thu, 20 May 93 4:19:58 CDT
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
Subject: smile, you are on Candid Camera
To: spaf

Found on rec.humor...
>[Post by kahlke@hops.ctron.com deleted]
>Direct all flames to dkoresh@davidians.com

[Considering the firepower (so to speak), are you sure that wasn't
 @waco.branch.davidians.mil ? --spaf]

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Date: Thu, 20 May 1993 12:06:51 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Taylor Series - a matter of life or death
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

 From: <bellcore!research.att.com!pep>
 From: td@research.att.com (Tom Duff)
 From: The Observer (UK) May 16[?]

	     Taylor Series - a matter of life or death

   Mathematics  can even be a matter of life or death. During the Russian
   revolution, the  mathematical  physicist  Igor  Tamm  was  seized  by
   anti-communist  vigilantes  at a village near Odessa where he had gone
   to barter for food. They suspected he was an  anti-Ukranian  communist
   agitator and dragged him off to their leader.

   Asked  what  he  did for a living he said that he was a mathematician.
   The sceptical gang-leader began to finger  the  bullets  and  grenades
   slung around his neck. "All right", he said, "calculate the error when
   the  Taylor  series  approximation  of a function is truncated after n
   terms. Do this and you will go free; fail and you will be shot".  Tamm
   slowly  calculated  the  answer in the dust with his quivering finger.
   When he had finished the bandit cast his eye over the answer and waved
   him on his way.

   Tamm  won  the  1958 Nobel prize for Physics but he never did discover
   the identity of the unusual bandit leader. But he found a sure way  to
   concentrate  his  students'  minds  on  the  practical  importance  of
   Mathematics!

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Date: Sat, 22 May 93 4:30:01 EDT
From: wa94002@ox.ac.uk (Mark F W Charsley)
Subject: There will always be an England
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Source: Major British Advertising campaign, and confirmed by a friend

Kelloggs have launched a TV ad claiming that 74% of the British Public
don't know what 'Rice Crispies' are made from.

My friend (who works in the polling company respnsible for finding
this out) tells me that this is this true, and that the great British
Public are slightly more informed about all other cereals: only 1% of
people don't know what Shredded Wheat is made from...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 09:28:52 -0300 (EDT)
From: Amy Ward <cecalw@gwunix2.gwu.edu>
Subject: What if organized religion took over checking accounts? (fwd)
To: spaf

A friend and I were talking about what would happen if organized religion
(and philosophers) took over checking accounts.  With due respect to Chuck
Hensey for helping me come up with this list, here they are:

The Existentialist Plan: Spend all of your money however you like with
reckless abandon: the world will blow up anyway.

The Catholic Plan: Write as many rubber checks as you like.  As long as
you apologize profusely, the bank will cover them for you.  (A small
penalty applies.)

The Jewish Plan: Write as many checks as you like.  You will be made to
feel guilty whether they bounce or not.

The Presbyterian Plan: It doesn't matter how many checks you bounce or how
much money you started with.  You are predestined to inherit all of the
money in the world anyway.

The Hindu Plan: Write as many checks as you want.  Please be advised that
too many bad checks may postpone nirvana.  You may be reincarnated as a 
collection agency.

The Southern Baptist Plan: No limit on the amount of checks you can write,
as long as you don't have any sort of fun doing so.  Beware of original guilt.

The Branch Davidian Plan: Write as many bad checks as you like and thumb
your nose at all financial regulations of the bank.  You will be
guaranteed a cover photo on _Time_, _Newsweek_, and _U.S. News & World
Report_ for your troubles.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 23 May 93 19:30:03 EDT
From: "w00026@TIGGER.STCLOUD.MSUS.EDU"@msus1.msus.edu
Subject: What to do with $47 Million
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Here in Minnesota, our "PowerBall" Lottery was up at around $42 million
last week.  One man was asked what he would do if he won the $42
million.  He said, "I'd buy new tires for my car."  When asked why he
just wouldn't go out and buy a new car, he replied, "I couldn't just
drive around in a new car with bald tires."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 May 1993 14:37:49 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: White Men Can't Jump
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU

The Sunday, May 23, 1993 San Jose Mercury News indicates that the title
of the movie *White Men Can't Jump* is translated, in Spain, as *White
Men Don't Know How to Stick It In".

It also reports some other translations:

	US		Translation			Country

	Big		Boy Wearing Man's Body		Malaysia
	Body Parts	Cut to Pieces and Then		Thailand
			Create Hell
	Dangerous	Vipers in Heat			Malaysia
	Liasons
	Frankie&Johnny	Sex, Love and Hamburgers	Taiwan
	Wayne's World	Fused in the Head		Italy

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End of Yucks Digest
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