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Yucks Digest V3 #15 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 15 May 93 Volume 3 : Issue 15
Today's Topics:
1-800-CTS-HELP
Art Exists Forever?
Biggest Geek Award Is No Surprise
bob packwood: small fry in the big lie game...
brain fixed
brownies and changes in latitude
but I digress
Calculus Preliminary Edition
christ (on a) crunch
Drivers -- some times you have to wonder
Family Stress Test
Found on: sci.physics (genius^1000)
Handy Household Utensils
Is it me, or is it Wednesday?
Man's Best Friend?
More Writer's Euphemisms for Death
MTV -- Looking for a new type of advertiser
Music, maestro
Nerds? Nah, we aren't nerds!
out of context quote
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
scoring bugs
Smoking reform
smuggler love
Submission: Bill Gates
take that, fluffy
Theory
Those HEY STUPID! warning labels
Tip: Drinking & Arrows don't mix
Waco Digest #3
WE CAN SUPPLY YOU WITH THE TRANSPLANTANTS & OTHER
Yet another Koresh one-liner
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 6 May 1993 16:52:42 GMT
From: crisper@cats.ucsc.edu (Crisper Than Thou)
Subject: 1-800-CTS-HELP
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
"Hello. You have reached the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Hotline. If you need
information on the _symptoms_ of carpal tunnel, please enter 1104589275883
578389728859715779173 on your touch-tone phone now. If you'd like to know
about the potentially crippling _effects_ of carpal tunnel, please enter
2975837597487597687573967739768745976 now. If you need to locate an
occupational therapist in your area who _specializes_ in carpal tunnel,
please enter 308598603867376974867078785885040789597048 now. To connect
with an operator, press 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.
To terminate this call, press 9502092956860027738759476859474768584967001
at any time. Thank you. <beep>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 09 May 93 12:09:52 CST
From: rutgers!falkor.chi.il.us!heiby (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Art Exists Forever?
To: spaf
Found the following in "The Montgomery Express/North" of 4/21/93.
-----
The bombing of the World Trade Center destroyed a 54-by-8-foot
mural by Cynthia Mailman that was on the wall of the building's
commuter train station. The loss wasn't the artist's first. In
1978, she was delivering a large portrait of God as a naked woman
when it flew off the roof of her van on an expressway and was run
over by a car. In 1980, an outdoor mural she had painted three
years earlier was bricked over. In 1981, she was storing all her
work in an empty house in her neighborhood. The building caught
fire, and all but one piece of art was destroyed. "I used to think
that everything else dies and art alone exists forever," Mailman said,
"but it isn't true."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 May 93 15:37:11 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Biggest Geek Award Is No Surprise
To: spaf (Yucks List), cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry III)
I can't credit this, because the schmoe who sent it to me didn't
credit it. Sounds like maybe NOTW or similar...
|How do you share a date when your paramour is unavoidably
|detained on business in another town halfway across the country?
|Microsoft Corp chairman Bill Gates reportedly came up with an
|ingenious solution when he was romancing venture capitalist Ann
|Winblad: observing that the same movies are usually playing at
|the same time all over America, they came up with the Virtual
|Date - they'd each go alone to the same movie at the same time,
|and discuss it afterwards on their car phones.
Wonder if they blew kisses on their first date?
"And a big cellular.goodnight.hug to *you*, sweetcakes..."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 May 93 11:07:50 CDT
From: gatech!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: bob packwood: small fry in the big lie game...
To: spaf
I heard the other day that a group of Oregonians had petitioned the
Senate to overturn Bob Packwood's election. The reason: By
allegedly lying to the voters during the election about his sexual
peccadilloes, the Honorable Senator short-circuited the democratic
process, thus invalidating the results. Now, I don't mean to minimize
the severity of the alleged offenses, which, if true, are quite heinous.
However, the argument of the petitioners does bring up a humorous
concept: If Senator Packwood is dismissed for lying, can the President
be far behind? After all, by latest count, Packwood lied about screwing
a few dozen women. However, in terms of his tax proposals alone, I
conclude Clinton lied about his intentions to screw about 50 million
middle-class Americans.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 93 11:30:57 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: brain fixed
To: spaf (Yucks List)
|From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
|=> ---------------
|=> Resolution:
|=> ---------------
|=> Brain has been fixed.
Probably had its Christmas ornaments removed at Shallowford
Hospital in Atlanta.
[speaking of cringing... -meo]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 93 17:16:47 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: brownies and changes in latitude
To: didi@chryse.Eng.Sun.COM, shapiro@oki.com, ellenberger@tle.enet.dec.com
From rec.humor ...
From: Aaron Wohl <aw0g+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: why brownies are different in pittsburgh
After moving to pittsburgh from florida I noticed that when left out for a
while that texture of the top of leftover brownies changed. Perhaps this was
due to the vast difference in humidity I thought. After many experiments to
check on the surface condition of brownies I went into the kitchen one day and
the (new) cat was licking the top off the brownies.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 93 14:46:53 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: but I digress
To: spaf (Yucks List)
From a discussion on another mailing list...
>This is an interesting question because I'm going through this myself. As
>my wife and I try to get pregnant and I am trying to get life insurance.
Well, here's hoping one of you succeeds in the first, and you in the
second, long term goal (I'd hedge my bets on your getting pregnant,
though, Fred)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 May 1993 12:13:32 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Calculus Preliminary Edition
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
(This gem was contributed by Herb Kanner (kanner@apple.com). It is a
homework problem from a new book that his wife is reviewing. The book
is "Calculus Preliminary Edition" by Deborah Hughes-Hallett, Andrew M.
Gleason, et al.)
9. In her "Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior," Miss Manners
states:
"There are three possible parts to a date of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food and affection. It is customary to begin
a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate
amount of food and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount
of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced
proportionately. When the affection has replaced the entertainment,
we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be
omitted."
Based on this statement, sketch a graph showing entertainment as a
function of affection, assuming the amount of food to be constant.
Mark the point on the graph at which the relationship starts, as well
as the point at which the relationship ceases to be called dating.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 May 93 13:31:29 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: christ (on a) crunch
[fwds deleted]
Subject: Bleeding Chocolate Jesus
Date: Sun, 02 May 93 16:23:32 -0400
From: Michael Travers <mt@media.mit.edu>
>From the Glasgow Herald, 29-3-91:
JESUS SWEET IN BAD TASTE
A chocolate Jesus which bleeds red jam has outraged Church leaders. The
Easter sweet is marketed as the "immaculate confection". It's a model of
Christ nailed to a chocolate cross, and comes complete with a crown of
thorns and a look of agony.
The chocolate Christ is named Sweet Jesus by the man who invented it,
Richard Manderson, of Canberra, Australia. He says eating them should make
people more aware of the meaning of Easter than munching a chocolate egg.
And he's hit on the slogan: "Put religion back into Easter with an edible
icon". But Sydney Catholic Church spokesman Father Brian Lucas hit back:
"They're irreverent and offensive. It's an appalling exercise in bad
taste."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Apr 93 4:30:01 EDT
From: carter@crunch.colorado.edu (Mike Carter)
Subject: Drivers -- some times you have to wonder
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I was driving the other day at dusk with my parking lights on because I didn't
feel that I needed my `real' lights. At a stoplight, another driver rolled
down his window and told me, "its not a good idea to drive with your parking
lights on, someone might think you are parked and run into you."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 May 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: tmorris@scofflaw.convex.com (Terry Morris)
Subject: Family Stress Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace,
I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found
that all of the questions fell into what we considered the "wuss" category,
and generated our own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can
talk".
2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ____ The cat is on Valium.
4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.
5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
of people in the family.
7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out
the trash.
10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 08:41:20 GMT
From: euadbs@eua.ericsson.se (David Sonnek)
Subject: Found on: sci.physics (genius^1000)
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
Alexander Abian (the mathematics professor and possibly partially-sane inventor
of the well-known and ill-reputed TIME HAS INERTIA theory) recently posted the
following on sci.physics:
My theories concerning the ABSOLUTE TIME and the EQUIVALENCE OF TIME
AND MASS (in fact, THE EQUIVALENCE OF EXISTENCE AND MASS) will
radically revolutionize the entire Physics and Cosmology. Neither
Einstein, nor Poincare, nor Schroedinger, nor Dirac, nor Planck,
nor Heisenberg, ... dared to handle the notion of TIME and had
the genius to tackle the problem of TIME the way I have handled.
None of them had the intellectual genius to boldly take the
notion and the nature of TIME by its horns. They all glossed
over the notion of TIME. For the first time in the entire history
of science, I have stated that TIME HAS INERTIA and
that TIME IS EQUIVALENT TO MASS (1/T) + (1/log M) = 1, and that
SOME ENERGY IS IRRETRIEVABLY SPENT TO MOVE TIME FORWARD.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 May 1993 15:21:31 EST
From: Jeff Schwab <jrs@ecn.purdue.edu>
Subject: Handy Household Utensils
To: bob
Lafayette Journal and Courier
May 11, 1993 Page A2
"Gee whiz, Ma, it's a Rubbermaid"
By The Associated Press
Raleigh, N.C. - A woman who volunteered to have a baby for her
sister - and conceived using a turkey baster and doing a
headstand - gave birth on Mother's Day.
The baby, John Franklin Wittle, was born at Rex Hospital in
Raleigh, weighing in at 7 pounds, 12 ounces. His aunt, Julie
Johnson, 34, a single Navy lieutenant, endured a 20-hour labor
to give her sister and brother-in-law a baby.
The sister, Janet Johnson had failed to become pregnant using
more scientific means. So she sterilized a $2.95 kitchen
baster in the dishwasher, got her husband, Mark Wittle, to make
his genetic contribution, then carried it to her sister.
Julie Johnson inseminated herself twice in August with Wittle's
semen. She stood on her head each time, while leaning against
a wall.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1993 15:52:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: Is it me, or is it Wednesday?
To: eniac
Someone just posted a short biography/filmography of Errol Flynn.
The first sentence read:
Errol Flynn (born Hobart Tasmania)
For one brief confusing moment I thought that was Flynn's NAME. (You
know, like: Cary Grant, born Archibald Leach.)
"Hobart Tasmania, wearing a scowl and little else, threw open the door.
`Olivia!' he bellowed. `Have you been tampering with my quiver again?'"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 May 93 19:30:04 EDT
From: phoenix@ctr.columbia.edu (Ali Lemer)
Subject: Man's Best Friend?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A policeman is on the beat one day when he comes across a young man
sexually molesting a dog in an empty lot. He quickly arrests the boy,
who confesses that the dog belongs to his neighbour. After taking the
boy to the station and the dog to the vet's, the policeman heads to
the boy's home to tell his mother.
He sits the woman down and calmly tells her what has happened. The
woman bursts into tears and cries, "I can't understand it! I just
can't understand it!"
The policeman, attempting to console her, asks hers, "Why is that?"
The woman cries, "He has his OWN dog!"
[This joke is based on a true story of an Edinburgh policeman, as
related on alt.folklore.urban by his friend Paul Hutton.]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: James.Langdell@eng.sun.com (James Langdell)
Subject: More Writer's Euphemisms for Death
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Brent Jones (bjones@denitqm.mnet.uswest.com) provided
a first set of ten. Here's some more...
Additional Technical Writer's Euphemisms for Death
13. Lost in translation.
12. Widowed and orphaned.
11. Formatted with black borders.
10. Moved into upper management.
9. Went on-line.
8. Deleted from the BOM.
7. Permanently Out of Print.
6. Printed white-on-white.
5. Remaindered.
4. Mailed in his/her warranty card.
3. Collapsed his/her outline.
2. Was struck out by the Big Blue Pencil.
And, the Number One Technical Writing Euphemism for Death...
1. Inspired a new Warning message.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 May 93 17:08:48 CDT
From: petonic@hal.com (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: MTV -- Looking for a new type of advertiser
To: Chief Yuckster <yucks>
On the back cover of the last issue of Communications Week (a
RollingSton[tm] sized trade freebee), MTV has a full-page
advertisement.
The top 4/5s of the ad shows the back of a guy's head with the MTV
logo shaved in his hair. The caption (in caps) reads: "EVER HEAR
ANYONE REFER TO THE NBC GENERATION?"
The bottom text, in a free-verse sort of style goes:
MTV is not a
TV channel.
It's a cultural force.
People don't watch it.
They live it.
MTV has affected the way
an entire generation thnks,
talks and buys.
No other network
can say that.
MTV is their channel.
The music, news and
shows are for them.
So, what's in it for you?
Your message is
for them, too. When they
see your message
on MTV, it's like you're
joining their club. Suddenly
you're one of them.
You know what they love.
You know what they hate.
You know what they need.
And they
know
that you
know.
You know?
Geez. Can you imagine a new Cisco Router advertisement on MTV? That would
be a shock. Methinks that MTV got screwed on this ad-space.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: geoff@tyger.east.sun.com (Geoff Arnold @ Sun BOS - R.H. coast near the top)
Subject: Music, maestro
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seen in yesterday's Parade magazine that probably accompanied
a couple of million Sunday papers: an advertisement for
a beautiful little scale model violin. According to the
ad, it's a 1/24 scale replica, measuring 8 inches long.
Screw the violin, I want to see the fiddler who can tuck a
16 foot violin under his or her chin....
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Apr 93 4:30:04 EDT
From: (null)
Subject: Nerds? Nah, we aren't nerds!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
True story from the Seattle Times:
Tower Books of Bellevue, WA (home of a certain software company whose
exact identity I will protect) reported that in its first week of
release, Helen Custer's "Inside Windows NT" outsold Madonna's "Sex"
by 125 to 109.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 May 93 14:42:06 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: out of context quote
NYT, Wed, May 5, page C1: Rating TV Chefs: Cooks Beware
"...today, viewership breaks down to 55 percent women and 34 percent
men, according to PBS..."
--Pat
They go on to say "with the remaining 11 percent of the viewers under 18"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 May 93 16:18:51 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
"Most fishermen are all too familiar with the tedious process necessary
to catch a white sturgeon in the conventional manner. Many a fisherman
has spent all night on a boat hoping for a chance to catch a 'keeper'.
In fact, many have fished for the elusive sturgeon for years without
success.
"Now success is virtually guaranteed. Our sturgeon are stocked in a
holding area and fitted with special harnesses just prior to being
released. The angler, who is provided with a medium-action rod, stands
at the far end of the facility. The angler's line is then snapped onto
the sturgeon's harness and the fish is released into the main area of
the half-acre pond. The time required to land the fish depends on the
angler's skill and ability."
- from a brochure for Fishin' Buddy's Bay in Vacaville, California
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 May 93 13:02:30 MDT
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I don't want anybody to think I'm some kind of sicko who goes around
looking for bugs to eat. It just happens."
- Mike Maksudian, catcher for baseball's Portland Beavers, and sometime
major-leaguer, on his live insect eating hobby. His teammates on
various clubs have paid him as much as $1,200 to watch him snack.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 93 11:18:19 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: scoring bugs
To: spaf (Yucks List)
John F. Woods said...
|I've never had a connection closed because of a scoring bug before.
Bugs like their privacy, too, you know...
[Especially if Mike Maksudian is around. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: tonyp@cnvxla.convex.com (honey bunny)
Subject: Smoking reform
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[Background: A "group" is going after the Camel Cigarettes Company
because they say Camel's advertising logo cartoon "Joe Smooth" is
enticing kids to smoke.]
Washington, DC
Special Features
UPI - tony j. podrasky (tonyp@convex.com)
In what's being hailed as a blow against smoking reform and keeping
cigarettes out of the hands of babes, MAMA (Mothers Against Most Anything)
and DAMMIT (Dads Against Mad Mothers Involving Them) are livid over the
court's decision to allow the Camel Cigarette Company to continue using
its "Joe Smooth" character in the advertisements.
Judges Ima Bought and Stew Ped ruled in favor of the cigarette company,
saying that it was indeed within the prerogative of the first amendment
"freedom of speech" for the company to use any logo it cared to.
When asked by reporters how they felt about the decision, Ken Sur
of TSAR (Tobacco Smokers Against Reform) replied that "we're pretty
happy with the decision" and that "with this out of the way we can get on
with the business of marketing our new product lines".
The new product line is aimed at the "adults who think like the younger
generation", and consists of "Masters of the Universe regulars",
"Cabbage Patch menthol", "My Little Pony 100's", and "SMURF chewing tobacco".
Another unique feature of the new product line is that now, instead of coming
20 to a pack, the cigarettes will be 2 to a box, include trading cards, and
come with a "clorets" to get that nasty smell off your breath before you
get home.
Introductory pricing will be equivalent to the money tendered for 2
deposit bottles.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 May 93 17:23:10 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: smuggler love
To: spaf (Yucks List)
Fom Henry Cates' mailing list..
| Robert Haag, 33, of Arizona, was charged in January with
| attempting to steal a 27-ton, carsized meteorite from
| Chaco province in Argentina and attempting to smuggle it
| out of the country.
How did they know that was a rock, that he wasn't just
happy to see them?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Apr 93 21:15:02 CDT
From: "Bret D. Wortman" <wortman@centurylub.com>
Subject: Submission: Bill Gates
To: spaf
You know, I feel sorry for Bill Gates' fiancee. Can you imagine their
wedding night?
"Oh, oh, any minute now, no not yet, okay, I'm ready, wait, no, hold
on, we're there, oh, oh, wait, wait, just a sec,..."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Apr 93 12:42:28 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: take that, fluffy
To: spaf, eniac
This is from the front page of the Naugatuck (CT) Daily News ("We've
Thrived Since 1885").
Thursday, April 22, 1993
Accidental shooting kills cat, hurts woman
By Robert Storace, Staff Writer
A woman was injured and a cat was killed
early this morning in what police are saying
appears to be an accidental shooting.
Police Chief William F. Long said police
are still trying to piece together what
exactly happened at Lantern Park at 4 a.m.
He said two women were lying in bed together
[so *that*s why it's page one news! --Pat]
when one of the women, apparently as a joke,
"pointed a gun at a cat, who was lying on
the stomach of the other woman." The gun was
loaded and the bullet struck the cat in the
head, ricocheting into the stomach of the
woman, Long said.
The chief said the cat was killed and the
woman was taken to St. Mary's Hospital, where
she underwent surgery. He said she appears
to have gotten through the surgery in good
shape.
Because the case is still under investigation,
Long declined to release the names of the women.
He said police are in the process of taking
statements from the women and neighbors.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 May 93 15:49:05 PDT
From: Jamie Andrews <jamie@cs.sfu.ca>
Subject: Theory
To: eniac
Yul Brynner was not bald.
He was a monk with a Fade.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 May 93 10:00:07 EDT
From: pdennis@vnet.IBM.COM
Subject: Those HEY STUPID! warning labels
Newsgroups: misc.consumers.house
In light of all of the discussion about law suits and such, I saw this
on sci.skeptic yesterday and felt it may get a few laughs in this
thread as well........
<some stuff deleted to save bandwidth>
>Since everyone is always complaining about _Weekly World News_ articles,
>I thought I would share this one:
>---------------------
>
>Man sues over Faulty Flying Carpet!
>
>A man who broke both his legs when his flying carpet crashed is suing
>the guru who sold it to him!
>
>Businessman Dilip Tarneja of Agra, India, says he paid $40,000 to guru
>Jayanti Nagar for a carpet.
>
>"That crook told me I'd soar 2,000 feet in the air and stay up for
>hours at a time," Tarneja said in his suit.
>
>"But the very first time I went off the roof of my home with the
>carpet I fell straight to the ground. It couldn't fly any better
>than the rugs I have in my bedroom."
>
>The lawsuit is scheduled to go to trial in early July.
>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 7 May 1993 15:52:52 -0700
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Tip: Drinking & Arrows don't mix
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From the Boston Herald, 5/6/93:
Portland, OR - A would be William Tell trying to shoot a fuel
can off his friend's head missed his mark, and shot him through the
head. Neurosurgeons say it's a miracle the victim survived with no
brain damage.
During a drinking bout of a group called Mountain Men Anonymous in
Grants Pass, Michael Kennedy fired the arrow as Anthony Roberts, 25,
stood by a tree with the can on his head. It went into Robert's right
eye and 8 to 10 inches into his brain, but missed all the major
arteries.
Paramedics saved Robert's life by restraining him when he tried to pull
the arrow out himself in the helicopter on the way to the hospital.
Surgeons removed it by drilling a larger hole around the tip at the
skull's back and pulling it through.
[all gramatical errors faithfully copied! What a quality newspaper]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 1 May 93 3:20:02 EDT
From: funny@clarinet.com (Maddirator)
Subject: Waco Digest #3
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: randall@slc.mentorg.com (Randall S. Krebs - LithoCAD)
Keywords: topical, smirk
Q: Why don't Branch Dividians take baths?
A: Because it makes them soggy and hard to light.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Waco, Texas is changing their name
From: biff@odi.com
Did you hear that Waco, Texas is changing its name.
Now their calling themselves, Corpus Chrispy !
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 93 15:19:17 +0400
From: tuser@azbuka.kharkov.ua ()
Subject: WE CAN SUPPLY YOU WITH THE TRANSPLANTANTS & OTHER
Newsgroups: sci.med
The Private Scietific & industrial firm "Intercom 2000" can
supply You with the transplantants that could be delivered according
to Your order.
Selection and preparation of the materials is carried out by the
qualified personnel having 20-year experience in this sphere.
We provide:
- Immunological selection of tissues ( on the special request);
- AIDS, Syphilis & other infection diseases tests;
- bio-chemical tests.
We guarantee deliverance of our products within temperature
habital providing their prime condition.
O.Yarosha st. 39
apart. 49
Kharkov, Ukraine.
tel. +7 (057)-2-323177
fax +7 (057)-2-431651, 231192
e-mail: tuser%azbuka.kharkov.ua@relay.ussr.eu.net
[Would you buy a spleen from someone whose business address is "apt. 49"? --spaf]
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Date: Mon, 26 Apr 93 12:20:02 EDT
From: hansen@cs.umn.edu (David Hansen)
Subject: Yet another Koresh one-liner
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A guy at work told me this...
Guess who just quit smoking?
David Koresh!
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End of Yucks Digest
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