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Yucks Digest V3 #14 (Clearing out the backlog)
Yucks Digest Thu, 29 Apr 93 Volume 3 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
(alt.mcdonalds.ketchup) Another McDonald's Rant
[alt.fan.warlord] new SIGNATURE implementation
A wee bit of whimsy
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, de, da . . .
Maybe I'm a sick-o...
The Tao Te Ching - A new, modernized, translation
The Two Kings
Top Ten list (No Bathrooms on the Enterprise)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 9 Jun 92 16:46:55 GMT
From: beatlfan@leland.Stanford.EDU (Mark Walsh)
Subject: (alt.mcdonalds.ketchup) Another McDonald's Rant
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
Subject: Another McDonald's Rant
Date: 8 Jun 92 22:52:54 GMT
Sender: news@ctr.columbia.edu (The Daily Lose)
Organization: Hunched over toilet, Puking up fingers and ears
Do you want to know who controls the world? Let's spend a little time
thinking about our bowels. No, not some constipated oldster in
Michigan, but the butt of every man, woman and child in America. Yes,
it's a cradle-to-the-grave conspiracy that has been keeping our fine
nation from successfully becoming a more stable international power
for decades. Who's in control? Well, watch your TV and you will get
an idea. See the commercials for medicated hemhorroid buttwipes? How
about Pampers for incontinent geezers? Enema specials in the drug
store newspaper ads? Yes. America has a problem with its ass. So why
is America the only country with this problem? I mean, even Mexico has
less butt troubles. Where do you eat? McDonald's, Jack-in-the-Box,
Wendy's, Carl's Jr., Taco Bell, and a thousand other shitty
restaurants whose only difference is their name? Think of what this
so-called food is doing to our insides. Think of the 39-cent lump of
grease-soaked gunk that Burger King sells by the millions. Think of
that crap sitting in your intestines, just putrifying. Fast food
corporations know that this junk has Americans squatting over their
toilets in agony. Environmentalists missed the point! These flakes
were pissed off about the packaging! The shit you need to worry about
is INSIDE the wrapper, you fools! OK...you've probably had an inkling
that this stuff wasn't very good for you in the first place, but you
still stand in line and shell out bucks to cram it down your hole
(notice that no one 'savors' fast food). The 'fast' part is about how
it drives your ass to the bathroom. Or, it may do the opposite,
clogging up your shitworks like a sink in need of Liquid Drano. Where
do you go from there? To your medicine cabinet where you keep your
various remedies, anticipating the problem, of course. No one dares
run out. If it's really bad, you stay home from work (if your ass
hasn't already gotten you fired). Profits drop. Prices go up. People
get laid off. Except for who? McDonald's always hires. People still
have butts if they don't have jobs, right? The anal products still
sell. We lose, they win...always. See the extremely large number of
black people in fast food commercials? See the extremely large number
of unemployed blacks? Of course, crippling the American economy does
no good if you're an American, so it's safe to say there's no one in
the US who can stop this vicious cycle. How about the Japanese? Could
be. As our economy goes down the crapper, it costs less for them to
buy American companies and property. People are slowly becoming aware,
though. Remember the supposedly 'deranged' postal worker that shot the
hell out of a McDonald's somewhere in the Midwest? That man wasn't
deranged, he was ENLIGHTENED! This valiant martyr was trying to save
America, and we gunned him down and called him a lunatic! He told
everyone though, but the gigantic fast food empire manipulated the
press into supressing the truth. It's getting worse, though. See the
commercials during kiddie TV? Hear your bratty kid whining about
wanting to go to Burger King or some other godforsaken poison peddler?
Hear the adorable news broadcasts heralding the grand openings of new
franchises in Russia, Africa, and the rest of the world? It's
definitely getting worse.
-- Fred 'VoodooMaster' Sobotka
------------------------------
Date: 5 Jun 92 21:06:10 GMT
From: jf41+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jonathan R. Ferro)
Subject: [alt.fan.warlord] new SIGNATURE implementation
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
--- Begin Forwarded Article
Newsgroups: alt.fan.warlord,alt.religion.kibology
From: rms@gratuitously-long-signature-files.ai.mit.edu (Richard M .Signature)
Subject: new SIGNATURE implementation
Date: Fri, 5 Jun 1992 03:26:26 GMT
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
> @ "I'm on a five year plan - BA, MBA, BMW" ** ** @
> @ * * @
> @ 49'ers III-Peat! - never mind * * saurav@ocf @
> @ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** * saurav@cory @
> @ Copyright (c) Chatterjee Enterprises, 1992 * * saurav@ohm @
> @ All Rights Reserved Worldwide * * @
> @ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** ** @
> @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
So it's come down to proprietary signature files, has it? Something needs
to be done.
Free .signatures!
Starting this Thanksgiving I am going to write a complete set of
alt.fan.warlord-able signatures called GSU (for Gsu's SignatUres), and give
them away free to everyone who can stand to look at them. Contributions of
disk space, network bandwidth, and cute ASCII graphics are greatly needed.
To begin with, GSU will be a large signature with all the standard
warlordable characteristics: big ugly ASCII borders, incorrect email
addresses (labeled as such), FAX numbers, excessive whitespace, and a few
other things. After this we will add big ugly ASCII fonts, tab damage,
stupid (or unattributed) quotations, unintelligable barphics, and hundreds
of other things.
GSU will be usable on any system, but will not be identical to ordinary
.signatures. We will add whatever will make the .signature file larger and
harder to read, based on our experience with those posted to alt.fan.warlord.
Why I Must Write GSU
I consider that the golden rule requires that if I like a .signature I must
share it with other people who like it. I cannot in good conscience sign a
usenet article with a copyright which restricts distribution.
So that I can continue to read alt.fan.warlord without violating my
principles, I have decided to put together a sufficient body of free
signatures so that I will be able to entertain myself without any posts
that are not free.
Richard M .Signature
rms@gratuitously-long-signature-files.ai.mit.edu
----
*****************************************************************************
* *
* This signature is free; you can redistribute it and/or modify *
* it under the terms of the GSU General Public Virus as published by *
* the Free Signature Foundation. *
* *
* This signature is distributed in the hope that it will be entertaining, *
* but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied warranty of *
* WARLORDABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR NEWSGROUP. See the *
* GSU General Public Virus for more details. *
* *
* You should have received a copy of the GSU General Public Virus *
* along with this signature; if not, write to: The Free Signature *
* Foundation, Inc., 666 Gravity Ave., Camera, MA 02139, USA. *
* *
* *
* *
* ___ ______ *
* /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. *
* \ \ \ / /\\ *
* \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, *
* _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." *
* // \__\/ / \ /\ \ *
* _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ *
* / / \ \ / / / /\ *
* __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ *
* / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ *
* /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ *
* \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / *
* \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ *
* \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / *
* \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ *
* /__________/ \ \ / *
* \ _____ \ /_____\/ This .signature gratuitously *
* \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ refers to k *
* /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ i *
* \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ b *
* \____\/ \__\/ o *
* *
*****************************************************************************
--- End Forwarded Article
------------------------------
Date: 28 Jun 92 08:30:03 GMT
From: GC.SUL@forsythe.stanford.edu (Sullivan)
Subject: A wee bit of whimsy
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
September 1999 headline:
NINTENDO LAW PASSES HOUSE
House bill A45.94 passed unanimously today, the long-awaited
Auto Nintendo Bill drafted by House Speaker Paul Paye (G-Sacramento)
and Peter Robin (L-Orange). Starting January 2001, all vehicles
will be retrofitted with NINTENDO Corporation's De-Ignition- Module
and companion KAR INHIBITOR LAMP-UNIT, (DIM and KIL-U).
"Democratization of traffic enforcement is now a thing of the
present, the roads shall clear", Green Party congressman Paye
beamed.
"It is now up to each individual to pass and enforce traffic
laws" stated Libertarian Robin.
It was also the first triumph of the bi-partisan Congressional duo
after their failed attempt to pass legislation against punning
the names of members of Congress.
DIM is an enclosed encoded chip that attaches to the electronic
ignition and utilizes the body of the vehicle as a receiver. KIL-U
is a hand held scanner unit shaped much like a futuristic ray gun
that emits a directed low intensity electronic beam. When KIL-U
is aimed and transmitted at another vehicle, that vehicle's DIM
records a 'hit'. When a particular vehicle's hit limit reaches
25 hits, the vehicle's electronic ignition system is automatically
fused, disabling the vehicle. In addition, every third 'firing'
by a KIL-U increments its own DIM unit by one, preventing more
ardent drivers from over-policing the highways.
In testing in the Los Angeles basin, it was found that incidences
of unsafe lane changes, driving too slow on the freeway, tailgating,
and starting too slowly from stoplights has decreased dramatically.
People have found alternatives to sitting in rush hour traffic after
several incidences of DIM cars clumping and dying simultaneously.
Reactions from testers varied from ecstatic to terrified, but most
agreed that the project would achieve it's desired goal of
eventually eliminating traffic jams and unsafe driving.
"I'm not driving anymore, period." said housewife Monica Staple.
"It was real fun for a while," said Tony 'Trigger' Talbot. "But,
darn, do you know how much Mazda charges for an ignition system?"
"If I'm on the car phone now, I definitely pay more attention to
how fast I'm going and what lane I'm in" said insurance salesman
George Rider. "I'm taking the bus now, I can't get from home to
the grocery store without a tow truck now" said retired grocer
Herbert Wong. "It definitely normalizes traffic flow." says
programmer Arturo Juarez, " but man I can't turn my Dolby's on
real loud in my low-rider anymore, I keep getting zapped."
Many testers changed their driving habits, work hours, or moved
closer to work to avoid the occurences of firing frenzies at rush
hours.
AAA's nationalization will be completed this year, as well as the
quadrupling in rates.
The measure was lauded by the American and Japanese manufacturers
and auto dealership associations who have managed to monopolize
electronic ignition servicing.
"It is a great step toward safetyization of America" chirped
retiring Mitsubishi President Lee Iacocca.
Cities and counties are not expecting to have to lay off officers
now unnecessary for traffic work. It is expected that former
traffic cops will be absorbed by the under-staffed internal
investigations departments of the various forces.
"We expect we'll win the War on Drugs in Law Enforcement now"
stated California Attorney General Daryl Gates.
There is no further development on the anti-trust suit brought on by
SEGA corporation and Atari. Competing units, Zapper by Atari, and
KIL-BOY by Sega were rejected by Congressional committees after
revelation that Nintendo DIM units were being incremented by 2 and 3
hits when fired upon by competing transmitters. Investigators
discovered that this was not the fault of the NINTENDO receivers
as originally claimed by SEGA representatives.
There is also no further word on AppBM's pending patent suit against
Nintendo. AppBM's massive random patent generator project of 1996
had apparently created and submitted a patent for the product, but
the mega-corporation still hasn't developed the database capability
to retrieve the information in-house.
President Madonna in her address to Congress added: "I'd like to
thank each an every one of you for last night, it was a pleasure."
------------------------------
Date: 6 Jun 92 02:33:48 GMT
From: system@tel-cen.UUCP (System Operator)
Subject: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, de, da . . .
Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.postmodern,alt.sex.bestiality,alt.stupidity,alt.religion.scientolo
galt%peruvian.utah.edu@cs.utah.edu (Greg Alt) writes:
> Jason 'eat my nipples for lunch' Linkins writes:
> \Salamander writes:
> \\Mark 'the turtle' Hopkins writes:
> \\\Petri 'loves to eat live babies' Karonen writes:
> \\\\Joseph Martin writes:
> \\\\\Ron A. "5150" Echeverri) writes:
> \\\\\\(Robert Hooker) writes:
> \\\\\\\(Josef Richter) writes:
> \\\\\\\\(ANDREW EDGAR) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\(Jonne Henrikki Kolima) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\(Mr J L Saunders) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\(Gerald Ryder) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\(Douglas Doe) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\(Bill Sirinek) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\(Christopher Penn Launey) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\(Mike Bur) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Scrimbat) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\(Somme Mersault) writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Kamchatka Charlie writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\olivier@spira.bri.hp.com writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\rakast@bluemoon.rn.com writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Mike Bur writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\james.j.dutton writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\james.j.dutton writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\I friggin writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Christopher Kush is a shmuck does'nt write:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\(Stephen M. Jones writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\root writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\cheating@ccvm.sunysb.edu writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\James 'Kibo' Parry writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Matt Garretson writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Brad Baillod writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Walter D. Pullen writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Adam Dray writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Tom Hamill writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\David Gundlach writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\And then in Daniel Dise said...
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Bat Rastard writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Michael Wasylik writes...
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\David Gundlach writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\And then Bat Rastard said...
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\U37460@uicvm.uic.edu writes...
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Tom Hamill says:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\James 'Kibo' Parry writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Paul D Evans writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Chris Colby writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Lawrence C. Foard writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\James 'Kibo' Parry writes:
> \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\GEE, I'M SURE GLAD THAT .SIG
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>They will just mutate to ge
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////Evolution is god!
> ///////////////////////////////////////////////Sanitation is fraud:
> //////////////////////////////////////////////Sandinistas ate Maude.
> /////////////////////////////////////////////Santa Claus baits God.
> ////////////////////////////////////////////Satan Claws Bates Dog! Film At
> ///////////////////////////////////////////Satin draws mates bod.
> //////////////////////////////////////////I sat in Ward's tame knob.
> /////////////////////////////////////////I set a weird time bomb.
> ////////////////////////////////////////I shed a weird tie, Bob...
> ///////////////////////////////////////I shot a wet teen babe.
> //////////////////////////////////////Izod's a wasp trend, Biff.
> /////////////////////////////////////I drove off a west end cliff
> ////////////////////////////////////I rode to arrest a lift.
> ///////////////////////////////////Electrodes tie my wrists.
> //////////////////////////////////Elephants dive off rats.
> /////////////////////////////////Eggplants live on mats.
> ////////////////////////////////Evolution is cats!
> ///////////////////////////////Beetle lotion in vats
> //////////////////////////////Feeble notions of autocrats.
> /////////////////////////////Foss'll know jejunoileal bypass.
> ////////////////////////////Fossils found in cat's smashed ass.
> ///////////////////////////Take care.
> //////////////////////////use nair.
> /////////////////////////Oh contraire
> ////////////////////////Your butt is bare
> ///////////////////////It was on a dare
> //////////////////////Shall we share
> /////////////////////Mao ate the hare! News at Six!!
> ////////////////////Aaaaaaauuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhh!! Are you all there?!
> ///////////////////Allez, Salut maintenant !!!!! (Rapidoooooooooooo)
> //////////////////Ali sues Mandelbrot...riiiiiiiiight!!!
> /////////////////I'll squeeze the Candelabra tonight!
> ////////////////We'll sneeze on the handle forthright.
> ///////////////Bad cheese from the dandelion fight
> //////////////Laughing squirrels in my sight!??
> /////////////Smashing girls go beddie-bies in the night.
> ////////////I got it just in time for the early flight!
> ///////////I stuck my fist in and twisted it just right!!!!
> //////////I fucked my sis and pissed in her eye!!
> /////////I chucked on Liz & slipped in a pie!
> ////////I licked a stick and told a lie!!!
> ///////cross my heart and hope to die!!!
> //////Toss my cart and choke on lye!!!
> /////Like a diamond in the sky!!!
> ////She flew to the stars and said Bye-bye!!!
> ///There's a spider crawling across my VGA monitor.
> //That's okay - a sea slug is slurping on my VT-320.
> /Suck it, suck it suck it you bitch!!!!
> Pumpkins, pumkins, pumkins for the witch!!!
Napkins, napkins, napkins for the rich!!
[Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Jul 92 00:05:04 -0400
From: bzs@ussr.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: Maybe I'm a sick-o...
To: eniac
...but I thought this was funny (the original headers look authentic,
but what do I know?)
-b
---------------
Greeting from Russia,
My name is Dmitry.I live in Siberia, I am 27 years old.
I am a chief of hardware & software department of Design & Building firm
"Siberia".
I am a brand-new user of USENET. My newsserver post me Yours groups address.
May I ask You a little question?
I read in PC-Magasine catalogue about sexy software (pictures, games and movies).
Can You show me any examples of it?
I know about copyright, but maybe its freeware? In Siberia we have no hard
currency to bye this software. We bye AutoCAD, Turbo Pascal for Windows,
Microsoft Works, but all by roubles. Can You present me and my department
members any example of erotic and sexy pictures and software.
A lot of thanks for all, who read this letter!
Sorry my English mistakes.
With best whishes,
Siberian man
P.S. Greeting from siberian Bears
--
***tipdim@fsib.nsk.su#Dmitry Tipicin # Design & Building firm"SIBERIA"
Chief of new technology department, Hardware, software,computer animation,
design, CAD/CAM
*Office:630099,Novosibirsk-99,Gorjkogo st.39,tel:(383-2)22-21-18,
(383-2)22-17-61
fax:(383-2)217-795,(383-2)217-978*Home tel:(383-2)69-30-13
This heartfelt plea has touched me, more than any request since "Mars Needs
Women!" What can we, the USENET community, do to send relief and whacking
material to Siberia? This must be handled delicately, as the Russki's are
notorious blue-noses and a sudden flood of XXX GIF files could cause what's
left of the KGB to drop the million pound shit-hammer on poor Dmitry.
Granted, what are they going to do to him, Send him to Siberia? We owe
it to Dmitry to keep him on the net and not cause him to lose his access.
Lets get him kitted out with xv, picem, pc-based viewers, djpeg and cjpeg,
Image Alchemy and the like (subject to export restrictions). Find out what
he's running on. It may be he doesn't have VGA or X.
And a nice sampler of Sexy software: the Jenny series, some of the DFG,
nothing too nasty until we figure out how secure his channels are. Perhaps
some of our friends in Finland could help. And as a start, how about some
bright boy wih a stack of back issues of Playboy and a scanner starting off
with "The Girls of the Soviet Union" from a couple of years ago.
I've spent the last four winters in Minneapolis and know you can go from
October to April without seeing any more skin than a few red noses. In
Novosibirsk, (that would be in Irkutsk for you Risk players), he's not too far
from Tannu Tuva, the fantasy destination of Richard Feynmann. About as far
as I am to Chicago. Maybe these Tuvan throat singers pile into the Moskva
and drive to Novosibirsk for spring break.
Let's work together and help Dmitry assemble the best collection of computer
pornography in all of Central Asia!
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jun 92 23:30:04 GMT
From: sorensen@spl.ecse.rpi.edu (Jeffrey Sorensen)
Subject: The Tao Te Ching - A new, modernized, translation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here are some tantalizing excerpts from the newest computer-assisted
translation of Lao Tzu's famous
TAO TE CHIP
::::::::::::::
01
::::::::::::::
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
The path that can be specified
is not the Full Path.
We declare the names
of all variables and functions.
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
Yet magic and hierarchy
arise from the same source,
and this source has a null pointer.
Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
::::::::::::::
02
::::::::::::::
When users see one GUI as beautiful,
other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
other programs become lossage.
Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
High level and assembler depend on each other.
Double and float cast to each other.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.
Therefore the Guru
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
processes are swapped and he lets them go.
He has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When his work is done, he deletes it.
That is why it lasts forever.
::::::::::::::
03
::::::::::::::
When you overesteem great hackers,
more users become cretins.
When you develop encryption,
more users become crackers.
The Guru leads
by emptying user's minds
and increasing their quotas,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
When users lack knowledge and desire,
management will not try to interfere.
Practice not-looping,
and everything will fall into place.
::::::::::::::
04
::::::::::::::
The Tao is like a glob pattern:
used but never used up.
It is like the extern void:
filled with infinite possibilities.
It is masked but always present.
I don't know who built to it.
It came before the first kernel.
::::::::::::::
05
::::::::::::::
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
The Tao is like a stack:
the data changes but not the structure.
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the root.
::::::::::::::
12
::::::::::::::
Graphics blind the eyes.
Audio files deafen the ear.
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.
The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
::::::::::::::
17
::::::::::::::
When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.
If you don't trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.
The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, "Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
::::::::::::::
19
::::::::::::::
Throw away documentation and manuals,
and users will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away privileges and quotas,
and users will do the Right Thing.
Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
and there won't be any pirating.
If these three aren't enough,
just stay at your home directory
and let all processes take their course.
::::::::::::::
75
::::::::::::::
When license fees are too high,
users do things by hand.
When the management is too intrusive,
users lose their spirit.
Hack for the user's benefit.
Trust them; leave them alone.
::::::::::::::
80
::::::::::::::
If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.
With all due apology to Stephen Mitchell, who's translation was the basis for
this, and, of course, Lao Tzu.
[I thought I achieved enlightenment after reading this, but it turned
out to only be gas. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Jun 92 14:06:17 CDT
From: Patricia O Tuama <rissa@cs.uchicago.edu>
Subject: The Two Kings
To: eniac
from "The Nose" by way of the july/august Utne Reader:
In perusing Elvis' biography "If I Can Dream" by his hairdresser-
cum-spiritual adviser Larry Geller, I stumbled across the following
conversation:
Elvis begins: "Think back when I had that experience
in the desert. I didn't only see Jesus' picture in the
clouds -- Jesus Christ literally exploded in me. Larry,
it was me. I was Christ... I thought I might be him.
I really thought I was singled out, not only to be El-
vis, but ah.. "
"Elvis," [Geller] said calmly, "are you trying to say
you thought you were Jesus Christ?"
Elvis, with visible relief, grinned.
I shook my head in disbelief. Was Elvis really that out to lunch?
If he was going to compare himself to a religious figure, why not
try Buddha? At least they had the same body type. But, as I read
further, as I dug deeper and deeper into Elvis lore, I began to no-
tice bizarre affinities, strange parallels -- inexplicable similar-
ities between the King of Rock 'n' Roll and the King of the Jews.
At first they came to me slowly, but soon they were jumping off the
pages. Coincidences? Perhaps?
Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor" (Matthew 22:39).
Elvis said, "Don't be cruel" (RCA, 1956).
Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybil Shepherd.
Jesus said, "Man shall not live by bread alone" (Matthew 4:4).
Elvis loved his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
"Then they took up stones to cast at [Jesus]" (John 8:59).
Elvis was often stoned.
Jesus was the Lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chops.
Jesus was part of a Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water (Matthew 14:25).
Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965).
Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis majored in wood shop/industrial art in high school.
Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
Jesus as wine (sacramental wine).
Elvis as wine (Always Elvis wine by Frantenac).
A major woman in Jesus' life (Mary) had an immaculate conception.
A major woman in Elvis' life (Priscilla) went to Immaculate Con-
ception High School.
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous comeback special in 1968.
Sun of God.
Sun Studios.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink
(John 7:37).
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957).
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits (eg, five banana splits for
breakfast).
Jesus is a Capricorn (December 25th).
Elvis is a Capricorn (January 8th).
Jesus biography featured Matthew (Gospel according to Matthew).
Elvis biography by Neal Matthews (Elvis: a Golden Tribute).
"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning and his raiment white as
snow" (Matthew 28:3).
Elvis' trademarks were a lightning bolt and snow-white jumpsuits.
Jesus was Jewish.
Elvis was part Jewish (from his maternal great-grandmother, Martha
Tackett Mansell)
Jesus' Purple Robe.
Elvis' Pink Cadillac.
Jesus' father is everywhere.
Elvis' father, Vernon, was a drifter and moved around quite a bit.
Doubting Thomas.
Suspicious Minds.
There is much confusion about Jesus' middle name -- what does the
"H" stand for?
There is much confusion about Elvis' middle name -- was it Aron or
Aaron?
Jesus made rocks roll away from his tomb (Mark 16:4).
Elvis was a rock'n'roll singer.
-- A J Jacobs
------------------------------
Date: 3 Jun 92 18:26:10 GMT
From: ajm@seqp4.sequoia.com (A.J.Madison)
Subject: Top Ten list (No Bathrooms on the Enterprise)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.tech
Someone asked, here's my try at it. And before you flame me, remmeber:
"Its just a TV show!"
Top ten list of "Why Are There No Bathrooms On The Enterprise?"
Number ten: "Spock kept going 'Where No Man Has Gone Before!'"
Number nine: "Klingons do NOT Urinate!"
Number eight: "Scotty kept annoying Kirk by yelling into the urinal, 'Hey,
Beam this Up!'"
Number seven: "Yeoman Rand would bring Kirk his Ten O'clock coffee,
regardless of where he was!"
Number six: "Riker would sneak into the Women's Rooms and scribble on the
walls 'Data has to trade credits for it.'"
Number five: "Geordi tuned up the john. Almost sucked Jean-Luc out into
space."
Number four: "Uhura would yell from an occupied toilet, 'Hailing frequencies
are NOT Open!'"
Number three: "Data kept getting into arguments with the urinal."
Number two: "Whenever Riker went to the bathroom, Counselor Troi would
scream."
And the Number One reason there's no Bathrooms on the Enterprise:
"Kirk kept peeking over the dividers."
b
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Jul 92 09:46:52 -0400
From: epstein@golden.wcupa.edu (richard g. epstein)
To: spaf
ALARMING INCREASE IN KEYSTROKES NOTED
---------------
Genetic Engineering May Be Ony Hope
---------------
Cambridge, MA. Computer Scientists at MIT announced today
an alarming increase in the number of keystrokes required
to even "get through the day", as they put it. "Unless
we re-engineer the human organism, the number of keystrokes
required to adequately perform assigned tasks may exceed
the organism's innate keystroke capabilities", Professor
Hotar Bigwind told a packed news conference.
Bigwind presented a chart (reproduced below) which proved
rather dramatically that the number of keystrokes required
per person per day in order to accomplish that person's
tasks has been increasing monotonically since the early
1950s.
"We computed the average number of keystrokes per day
for 500 human subjects over a period of a month. We took
samples every five years since 1950. Since there were
very few computers around in 1950, our longitudinal study
showed considerable foresight, if I must say so myself",
Bigwind bellowed.
Average keystrokes required
per day in order to accomplish a person's
required taks.
year number of
keystrokes
------------------------------------
1950 0.0003
1955 0.19
1960 1.2
1965 32.5 (IBM 360)
1970 98.76 (UNIX)
1975 234.87
1980 4,508.8
1985 23,567.1 (Ada)
1990 321,345.9 (Windows)
p = the letter after o
Bigwind added that Sally Sanders, the graduate student who
began the keystroke study in 1950, will now be able to
complete her dissertation and receive her Ph. D.
"She's a very patient young lady, and the computer
science community owes her a lot", Bigwind ruminated.
Sally Sanders, who is now a resident of the Leo Buscaglia
Burn-out Facility in nearby Waltham could not be reached
for comment.
"The implications of this study are enormous", Bigwind
told the packed news conference. "We forecast that by
the year 2000 the number of keystrokes required will
exceed the theoretical twenty-four hour limit, which
is 12,874,123 keystrokes. We call this important
number the latent keystroke capacity or LKC. This is only
a theoretical limit since it assumes twenty-four hours of
continuous typing without a break."
One reporter asked Bigwind what could be done to solve
this problem.
"Federal funding", he snapped. "With the end of the
cold war, institutions like MIT need to turn their
attention away from instruments of death and more
towards the human needs of human people."
"Consequently, my own department, along with the
Department of Bioengineering here at MIT have applied
for and have received a federal grant to investigate
the possibility of genetically altering the human hand,
so as to increase its LKC rather dramatically."
Bigwind unveiled a artist's rendering of the new
human hand being proposed by the MIT scientists.
"This is a prototype left hand", Bigwind explained.
"The right hand will be a mirror image of the left
because we felt that any departure from symmetry
would be socially unacceptable. You will note that we've
retained the current thumb design, because the
thumbs just naturally belong on the space bar.
However, I guess you've noticed that we are proposing
a hand with two rows of fingers. This means that
our new human beings will have a total of eighteen
digits and a LKC of 22,435,786."
Bigwind paused, with a look of triumph on his face.
"Are there any questions?", he asked.
"Yes!", one reporter shouted. "What finger will this
hypothetical person use when someone cuts him off on
the highway?"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------