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Yucks Digest V3 #13 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 24 Apr 93 Volume 3 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
A frequent traveler's memorable moment
Amusing accidental image of the day
A proposed new bit of jargon
clarification
Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs.
funny
Fwd: Interesting rumor...
How do you spell Perot?
It's the only thing...
Marketing Geniuses
New Development in Waco
New Ice Cream Flavor
Programming in the Buff
Quote of the day
Re- Phantom Access
see, horse
self-documenting code
Shallowford Vasectomy has done it again...
Suggestion box
Talk about an AI project...
The *what* of Babylon?
The NEWBIE and the MASTER
THE POPE IS JEWISH!
the quote you requested :-)
USENET Hockey Draft teams
What is he saying here?
Who needs CEPCI--I've got my sister
yucks submission
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 13:46:23 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: A frequent traveler's memorable moment
To: spaf (Yucks List)
Kumaran Punnaippakam said...
|
|Read this interesting piece in USA Today. Thought it
|was funny and also a warning to all those Pencomers
|who travel frequently.
|
|Wrong Turn:
|-----------
|
|"I unpacked, took off my clothes, was totally nude and decided to
|pop into the bathroom", says Mary Martins, who checked into a
|Hilton late one night in Chicago. "I walked into the bathroom,
|closed the door, heard a click and realized it was the hallway.
|I thought, 'Oh my God'. I stood there in the best fig-leaf
|position I could muster". Three doors down, she found someone
|home. She put her finger over the peep hole. She told the
|man she was naked and need a bath towel. "This hand just came
|out the door with a towel. Bless his heart".
[Yeah, and she never returned the towel to me, either!]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 93 12:23:56 EDT
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Amusing accidental image of the day
To: eniac
In the middle of an nn news-reading session, the system I was logged into
appears to have crashed. Since I was reading comp.sys.mac.games at the
time, I now have, on my screen, the error message
Read error from network: Connection reset by peerand a scoring BUG]
Connection closed.
I've never had a connection closed because of a scoring bug before.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 93 4:30:03 EDT
From: murray@vs6.scri.fsu.edu (John Murray)
Subject: A proposed new bit of jargon
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
First, we computer folk had the terms software and hardware, then firmware,
then a number of other -ware terms came into usage, such as freeware,
shareware, vaporware and others. To add to the ever-growing list of -ware
terms, I would like to propose this one:
Vacuumware: n, software which was written specifically to fill a void
in the industry, especially software which is successful more due to how
well it fills that void than due to anything else, like usability or
utility.
I believe it may have been Dennis Ritchie who said (about X) "Sometimes when
you fill a vacuum, it still sucks." X is a prime example of vacuumware, and
in fact inspired the term.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1993 12:44:55 -0400
From: "T.S. Waterman" <waterman@lug.reid.org>
Subject: clarification
To: eniac
Just say 'ghee'
does anybody else have any other suggestions? clear bran flakes
in raisin bran? then you would know for sure whether there real-
ly were two scoops of raisins in every box. or what about clear
ice cream? then you could pick through the ice cream for just
the chocolate bits
Clear coffee (I've done this by accicent).
Clear liquor (they';ve already been hyping this for a while).
Clear water -- it would be a great improvement.
Clear lettuce -- the cheaper retaurants could substitute cellophane.
Clear hamburgers.
Clear salad dressing.
Clear toothpaste.
Clear ...
and then the non-food products:
Clear motor oil, so you can't tell if your coolant is leaking in.
Clear floppy disks, so you can see if your data transfer went OK.
Clear CD's, to listen to your music in perfect clarity.
Clear underwear, to better tell when you've soiled yourself.
Clear clothing, in general, so you know what you're getting into at the club.
Clear recquetballs, just to make it even harder (and more painful).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz)
Subject: Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you
know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from
RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former
graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with
aplomb.
Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service
course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was
multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to
cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug
this hole, at least for one term.
One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows
everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the
final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to
be as blatent as possible about cheating.
At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating
off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and
would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all
around, while Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper."
After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to
Ed's seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're
outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect
combination of shock and terror.
For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks
were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 93 10:09:40 -0400
From: "Alan (Gesture Man) Wexelblat" <wex@media.mit.edu>
Subject: funny
To: eli@cisco.com, spaf
In discussing the Clipper chip, Bob Stratton noted as some small comfort
that it was to be embedded in phones sold by AT&T:
"Fortunately, AT&T couldn't sell drugs at a Dead show."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 93 10:44:52 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Fwd: Interesting rumor...
To: spaf (Yucks List)
From: Rob Enderle, Business Opportunities Department
SJSVM28(Enderle), (408) 284-1528, TIE 294-1528
L28/098/C201/San Jose__FAX 8-294-6524__Home (408)274-2777
Subject: News - Hot
YORKTOWN - International Business Machines, well known for their large-scale
computing systems, today announced it has signed a letter of intent to
purchase Sun Microsystems, a producer of smaller computers known as
"workstations," for an undisclosed amount.
In a prepared statement an IBM spokesperson said that lackluster sales of
their RS/6000 line, a direct competitor with Sun's SPARC computers, triggered
the deal. "We haven't been competing very well in the low-end computer
market place and we decided that purchasing an existing product, sales
structure, and customer base was the way to go," said the spokesman. "We'd
been considering such a purchase for the last year or so but Mr. Akers
wouldn't approve it. Mr. Gerstner thought it was a great way to turn us around
and immediately had us complete the deal." Akers was IBM's former CEO who was
ousted recently and replaced with Louis Gerstner, Jr., formerly of RJR
Nabisco.
IBM's RS/6000 line, introduced in February 1991, sold unexpectedly well for
the first year after its release. Sales dropped significantly as other
workstation vendors, particularly Hewlett Packard, offered faster products at
lower prices. According to IBM 1992 workstation sales were far lower than
expected, contributing in part to IBM's poor 1992 financial results.
"We're happy to be on-board," said Sun Microsystems spokes person Julia
Fredericks. "We've been looking to expand our distribution channels into
other markets that have historically been dominated by other vendors, and IBM
is just the force to do it for us."
Since the introduction of inexpensive versions of their SPARC computer line in
1989 Sun Microsystems has led the workstation computer market in sales.
Not everyone at Sun Microsystems is happy about the deal, however. An
engineer at Sun Microsystems' Sun Soft division, who requested anonymity, had
the following to say: "A lot of us are worried that we're going to have to
start wearing blue suits and ties. I hate blue suits, I don't even own a tie,
and in this economy I can't afford a completely new wardrobe."
Details on the agreement are expected to be available next week.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: bryan@cs.utexas.edu (Bryan Bayerdorffer @ Wit's End)
Subject: How do you spell Perot?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Someone wrote:
=-
=- On Saturday, February 27, the University United We Stand America will
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
=- present Ross Perot at the University of Texas Bass Concert Hall.
Before I attend this event or join the organization, perhaps someone can tell me
how to parse this unfortunate phrase. Some punctuation would help enormously.
Consider, is it:
United we stand, America!
or maybe
United, we stand America. (Presumably we can't stand it as individuals.)
or even yet
United, we. Stand, America! (The rest of you get up off your butts?)
Perhaps veiled nostalgia for the cold war and NATO:
United West and America.
Or, Ross is soliciting investors for a leveraged buyout of UAL, and will sell
its Far East routes for a quick buck:
United: West and America
No, wait! It's an anagram!
``I am a sweeet, candid runt.''
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1993 18:32:29 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's the only thing...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
"The Sorest Loser"
>From a comment by Lighton Ndefwayl, a Zambian tennis player, after his
defeat by fellow Zambian Musumba Bwayla in a match last year. The remark
was quoted in the Jockbeat column of the January 12 Village Voice.
Musumba Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player. He has a huge
nose and is cross-eyed. Girls hate him. He beat me because my
jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts, and that
made me lose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 93 4:30:03 EDT
From: ianst@qdpii.comp.qdpi.oz.au (Ian Staples)
Subject: Marketing Geniuses
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From _New Scientist_, 16 January 93, p. 56.
Seems that the German hi-fi magazine _Stereo_ has its own test lab where
engineers check the performance of new equipment. Recently the lab decided
to develop its own test CD, pressed with a mixture of test and musical
signals. "Test" and "musical" were two of the small number of English
words known by the engineers, so they decided to combine them to come up
with a catchy title. After the artwork had been printed they showed it to
a British engineer who had a bit of a chuckle over the chosen wording on
the sleeve:
"Check your HiFi System by having fun with the one and only TESTICAL."
[Shades of Himmler! :)]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 93 10:16:16 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: New Development in Waco
To: pault@sware.com (The Thoob)
Tim Heap said...
I heard on Headline News last night that investigation of the cause
of the Branch Davidian Compound fire has taken a new turn. Apparently,
someone witnessed former Dateline NBC reporter Michelle Gillen driving
a GM pickup near the complex just moments before the fire...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 3:20:01 EDT
From: bellas@tti.com (Pete Bellas)
Subject: New Ice Cream Flavor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
There is a new Ice Cream Flavor inspired by the incident at Waco.
It's called Mount Caramel, it's full of nuts but you can't get it out
of the carton.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 93 19:54:08 -0700
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Programming in the Buff
To: yucks
Administrators Pull Plug on Clothing Optional Computer Lab
BERKELEY, Calif. (AP)
Following the exploits of the Naked Guy earlier this year, nudity made
a brief comeback at the University of California this week when a small
computer lab declared clothing was optional for its staff.
But university officials quickly pulled the plug on the buff computer buffs.
"I told them to put their clothes back on," said David Farrell, assistant
librarian at Moffitt Library, where the computer center is housed.
The national exposure of the Naked Guy -- student Andrew Martinez, who
attended class in the nude -- had prompted the university to write a
dress code requiring people to keep their clothes on in public.
But the nudity ban was challenged Monday when about five people at the
computer lab took it all, or most of it, off.
"We feel that everyone would feel safer and more comfortable and have
greater self-esteem if we were letting everyone see us as we really
are," said Bill Urban, the manager of the lab, which rents computers
and gives free technical advice to students.
Urban, 24, thought his lab, a subcontractor to the university, would be
exempt from the rules.
Not so, said Farrell, who didn't appear too ruffled by the episode.
"I guess this is how we know it's spring," he said.
[Based on what I have seen in most computer labs, there must be a more
appealing way of determining when spring has arrived. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Terry Labach)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
The following are some of the definitions offered by students on an
examination of cultural literacy, from the article "The Cultural
Literacy of Graduate Management Students" in Business Horizons.
Students were asked to provide definitions for 250 terms taken from E.
D. Hirsch's Dictionary of Cultural Literacy.
Term Definition
1066: an IRS form
Aaron Burr: Perry Mason
Acrophobia: fear of acronyms
Actuary: a home for birds
Annunciation: to speak clearly
Cellulose: fat deposits
Duodenum: number system in base two
Gerrymander: to speak at length in Congress to keep a bill from
passing
Jehovah: Jesus
Ramadan: Jewish holiday
Salome: "hello" in Hebrew
Stradivarius: as in "Rex"
Xylem: as in "insane"
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jun 92 17:16:05 GMT
From: reay@bnlls1.nsls.bnl.gov (Robert Reay)
Subject: Re- Phantom Access
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
Forwarded from comp.org.eff.talk:
In article <1992Jun17.224336.11511@wpi.WPI.EDU> ear@wpi.WPI.EDU (Eric A Rasmussen) writes:
>In article <199206161635.AA11014@eff.org> mc/G=Brad/S=Hicks/OU=0205925@mhs.attmail.com writes:
>[...]
>>Stoll did it initially out of small-minded determination...
>[...]
>>Then he did it out of equally small-minded patriotism;
>>"my country right or wrong."
>[...]
>>In summary, Markus Hess was using his illegal activities against a
>>country that has had sat in armed occupation of his own for 40 years
>>(benevolent or no, it's a fact) and against actions of that country that
>>threatened the survival of the human species through nuclear war.
>
>So what you're saying is that the means justify the ends for Hess but not
>for Stoll? Also, how the hell do you expect Mr. Stoll to determine, without
>an investigation, the motives of the intruder into his system? Should he
>just assume that all intruders are out to save the human race, which I find
>rather doubtful in this case, and leave them alone? Perhaps you would
>instead recommend that he try the following non-illegal investigative
>technique:
>
>1. Begin to relax by sitting in the lotus (1-2-3) position as close to the
> affected computer as possible.
>
>2. Hold the mouse in one hand and a power crystal (attuned to your local
> network, of course) in the other.
>
>3. Close your eyes and focus your mind on the flow of information into and
> out of the system. Try not to get distracted by newsgroups such as
> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.
>
>4. FTP your consciousness across the net to the host system of the
> mischievous cyberspirit. Be careful not to get involved in any packet
> collisions which could raise your karma insurance.
>
>5. Once you have successfully transferred yourself across the net,
> examine the entity's aura or .plan file, whichever is easier to read,
> to determine it's personality and/or probable intent. Watchout for tricks
> such as "You have new mail." at the bottom of their .plan.
>
>6. When you have satisfied yourself that the entity is just a peace-loving,
> save-the-world-from-the-human-race type, and not a dangerous commie
> sympathizer working for the KGB, return to the warmth and comfort of
> your corpular form knowing that all is still well, except, perhaps, for
> the line printer which is merrily spewing page upon page of garbage
> as someone has again tried to print a gif file.
>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 93 15:23:56 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: see, horse
To: eniac
>From the yellow pages
Carriages-Horse
----------------
Carriage Charter
Romantic Horse Prawn Transportation
[typo?]
Pier 33 Sf (415) <bla-blah>
[maybe not]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 93 16:31:38 CDT
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: self-documenting code
To: spaf (Yucks List)
I have just been informed that the customer
wishes us to comply with their new corporate
mission statement, which requires all code to
be in cobol95 (the new, verbose version). This
impacts the 200 K lines of C code currently
being ported.
For the current deadline, we only have to convert
declarations. For instance:
BE IT KNOWN THAT THIS IS THE BEGINNING BOUNDARY OF
THE ROUTINE DRAWTHANG IN THE FILE DRAWTHANGS.CBL
FOR LINKING WITH THE PROGRAM THANG, WHICH HAS 3
PARAMETERS KNOWN AS CATINTHEHAT, BOX, AND HOUSE.
LET US DECLARE FOR THE SAKE OF THE ROUTINE DRAWTHANG
IN THE FILE DRAWTHANGS.CBL FOR LINKING WITH THE
PROGRAM THANG, A PARAMETER OF TYPE CHARACTER
OF LENGTH 20 OF SIGN DONTCARE WHICH SHALL HENCEFORTH
BE KNOWN AS CATINTHEHAT.
...
LET US DECLARE FOR THE SAKE OF THE ROUTINE DRAWTHANG
IN THE FILE DRAWTHANGS.CBL FOR LINKING WITH THE
PROGRAM THANG, A DYNAMIC VARIABLE OF TYPE CHARACTER
OF LENGTH 1 OF SIGN DONTCARE WHICH SHALL HENCEFORTH
BE KNOWN AS THING1.
etc.
Fortunately, we can handle all this through cpp. Who
wants to take a stab at the macros?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 93 4:30:04 EDT
From: gt0138c@prism.gatech.edu (Dave - the - Mage)
Subject: Shallowford Vasectomy has done it again...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here in Atlanta, Georgia resides a company called Shallowford Vasectomy
Clinic, which readers of RHF may remember. They own a billboard on I-85 which
thousands of people drive by every day. And they have once again provided a
sign which many Atlantians find rather humorous.
On the left side of the sign, is the name, Shallowford Vasectomy Clinic, as
is usually seen. However, on the right side is a message, "Happy Holidays,"
above a pair of Christmas ornament balls. One is blue, and the other is green,
and both of them have a single band-aid on the front.
Needless to say, I cringe every time I pass that sign.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 93 4:30:04 EDT
From: symanzik@egr.msu.edu
Subject: Suggestion box
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I asked Dan Judd, a graduate student who works for me, to look into creating
an electronic suggestion box for the dean of the college. This is what he
came back with.
Options for creating an anonymous suggestion box for the Dean.
1) Slip note under Dean's door.
Pro - Simple.
Would cost less to implement than generating this report.
Con - Only small notes fit.
Not too anonymous in the middle of the day.
2) Put note in box outside Dean's office.
Pro - Simple.
Anonymity reasonable during the day.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Con - Requires ability to find the Dean's office.
Suggestions weighing more a few pounds unworkable.
Box can be easily emptied into trash at end of day.
Will probably get more gum wrappers that suggestions.
3) Mail to an address that strips off headers and forwards to Dean.
Pro - Easy to do from anywhere in the building.
Big messages not a problem.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Con - Won't be able to strip .signature files from the end of messages.
Requires users have access to e-mail.
Electronic messages are easy to delete.
Requires Dean read e-mail
4) A 'suggest' command that sends message to appropriate place.
Pro - No problem with signatures.
Fairly simple.
Con - Requires that users remember command exists.
Requires an account and the ability to create a file on Unix.
Requires Dean read e-mail.
5) Printer in Dean's office for suggestions.
Pro - Hard copy made of suggestions.
Draws attention to itself, increasing the likelyhood suggestions
may be looked at.
Con - Printer must be on.
Queue not anonymous during printing.
Temptation to send the Kama Sutra may be too great for some.
6) Suggestion posted anonymously to public news group.
Pro - Keeps people aware suggestion service exits.
Suggestions more likely to be dealt with in some manner.
Others can comment on suggestion along with the Dean.
Con - Some suggestions too personal to be posted.
Requires Dean read news.
7) Coup d'etat.
Pro - Eliminates need for anonymity.
Eliminates need for suggestions.
Con - Difficult to automate.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 93 13:46:50 MDT
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: Talk about an AI project...
To: spaf
In news article <734895181.10275@news.Colorado.EDU> trouble@cs.colorado.edu
(the systems support group) responded to a user complaint:
The original articl bore the subject line...
=> Subject: Re: brain dead
=> --------
=> brain.cs seems to be denying rlogins, fingers, pings, etc.
=> This is our no-complaints-allowed machine, so this is low priority I
=> suppose.
=> ---------------
=> Resolution:
=> ---------------
=> Brain has been fixed.
=>
=> Kris
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Apr 93 4:30:03 EDT
From: wilder@mik.uky.edu (jeff wilder)
Subject: The *what* of Babylon?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is a true story. I had to choose between r.h.f and Reader's
Digest's "Campus Comedy." It was an agonizing choice. Really.
In my Intro to Psych course, the instructor was attempting to il-
lustrate the weakness of surveys as devices for gathering information
for correlational purposes.
"Let's say you take a survey of prostitutes in a small city," says she.
"Of those prostitutes, a remarkable 48% of those listing religions have
listed 'Episcopalian.' Can you then justifiably make any kind of cor-
relation such as, 'Episcopalians are more likely to become prostitutes'?"
There was a class-wide murmur of, "No."
My instructor nodded. "Right. Why not? What are the problems with
that statement?"
A few hands crept tentatively upward, but before my instructor could
select one of the volunteers, a woman behind me audibly muttered,
"They're confusing Episcopalians and Baptists."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1993 21:03:24 GMT
From: vail@tegra.com (Johnathan Vail)
Subject: The NEWBIE and the MASTER
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
And the newbie crawls to the feet of the Master and asks "Master
Oldbie Sir, how can a mere newbie like me get to be a great
talk.bizarre Master like yourself?"
"Well" spoke the Master, "First you must read Pynchon to a den of cub
scouts and answer all of their questions truthfully. Then you must
spend several years taunting old people and confusing dyslexic
children. And you must enter a graveyard and cascade the epithets."
"But Master!" whinged the Newbie, "You did none of those things
yourself to obtain your great status."
"Yes, but then I didn't have to *ask* how to become a master either,
you pathetic little bug" and with three sharp kicks Dominus sent the
newbie falling off the rim of the crater and into the lava below.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1993 14:23:37 +0100
From: mathew <mathew@mantis.co.uk>
Subject: THE POPE IS JEWISH!
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
In alt.atheism pmoloney@maths.tcd.ie (Paul Moloney) quotes chort@crl.nmsu.edu:
SOURCE: AP NEWSWIRE
The Vatican, Home Of Genetic Misfits?
Michael A. Gillow, noted geneticist, has revealed some unusual data
after working undercover in the Vatican for the past 18 years. "The
Popehat(tm) is actually an advanced bone spur.", reveals Gillow in his
groundshaking report. Gillow, who had secretly studied the innermost
workings of the Vatican since returning from Vietnam in a wheel chair,
first approached the scientific community with his theory in the late
1950's.
"The whole hat thing, that was just a cover up. The Vatican didn't
want the Catholic Community(tm) to realize their leader was hefting
nearly 8 kilograms of extraneous bone tissue on the top of his
skull.", notes Gillow in his report. "There are whole laboratories in
the Vatican that experiment with tissue transplants and bone marrow
experiments. What started as a genetic fluke in the mid 1400's is now
scientifically engineered and bred for. The whole bone transplant idea
started in the mid sixties inspired by doctor Timothy Leary
transplanting deer bone cells into small white rats." Gillow is quick
to point out the assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II and the
disappearance of Dr. Leary from the public eye.
"When it becomes time to replace the pope", says Gillow, "The old pope
and the replacement pope are locked in a padded chamber. They butt
heads much like male yaks fighting for dominance of the herd. The
victor emerges and has earned the privilege of inseminating the choir
boys."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1993 11:20:17 -0500
From: viravan (Chonchanok Viravan)
Subject: the quote you requested :-)
To: spaf
We realize we have not answered all your questions and in most
cases our answers have only served to produce new questions
for which we have no answers ... leaving us as confused as
before.
However, we believe we are now confused on a much higher level
and about much more important things than before.
[The story of my life.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1993 17:12:47 -0500
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: USENET Hockey Draft teams
To: spaf
Andrew Scott <andrew@idacom.hp.com> has been running a competition
based on buying and selling hockey players. This year, he had 262
entries. I've culled several interesting choices for names for the
fantasy hockey league:
1. Dave Wessels 1575.9 1574 1.9 (1)
9. this years model 1488.6 1471 17.6 (9)
15. On Thin Ice 1444.3 1412 32.3 (14)
32. SmegHeads 1316.3 1316 0.3 (32)
33. Neural Netters 1309.3 1298 11.3 (35)
34. The Young And The Skateless 1307.9 1265 42.9 (33)
60. Real Bad Toe Jam 1216.9 1168 48.9 (55)
67. Bloom County All Stars 1202.3 1198 4.3 (67)
77. shooting seamen 1180.1 1180 0.1 (75)
106. VoteNoOct26 1115.8 1084 31.8 (111)
110. Dirty White Socks 1114.4 1071 43.4 (104)
111. Wormtown Woosbags 1114.0 1059 72.6 (105)
117. Pond Slime 1109.7 1109 0.7 (118)
125. Aye Carumba!!! 1087.9 1084 3.9 (123)
126. Dirty Rotten Puckers 1087.2 1086 1.2 (128)
128. Cluster Buster 1084.6 1077 7.6 (127)
130. Apricot Fuzzfaces 1081.3 1058 23.3 (129)
137. Late Night with David Letterman 1074.0 1074 0.0 (136)
149. Goddess Of Fermentation 1056.2 1026 30.2 (151)
178. riding the pine 1028.7 1008 20.7 (176)
179. Spinal Tap 1027.4 986 41.4 (181)
189. Absolut Lehigh 1017.9 1009 8.9 (189)
191. Republican Dirty Tricksters 1010.0 955 66.0 (190)
199. Kuta Papercuts 1003.5 985 18.5 (200)
224. pig vomit 953.3 952 1.3 (224)
234. Swillbellies 939.7 921 18.7 (231)
244. The Ice Holes 908.7 906 2.7 (242)
250. For xtc 898.2 890 8.2 (248)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 93 07:07:52 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: What is he saying here?
To: yucks
From the Associated Press 4/18/93:
FBI spokesman Bob Ricks (re the Branch Davidian standoff in Waco),
"...when we have sent them in batteries to carry out one purpose
we believe they have been abused and used for other purposes."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 93 13:28:13 PDT
From: Lisa Chabot <Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: Who needs CEPCI--I've got my sister
To: eniac
For those of you who haven't noticed, Californians for Earthquake
Prevention and Climatic Improvement are no longer reachable by phone.
However native inventiveness (well, okay, second-generation
inventiveness) still bears fruit (or maybe vegetables):
------- Forwarded Message
From: dianac@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Diana L. Chabot)
Subject: hmm
Remember that pool of mustard we saw by a curb in San Francisco?
Well, yesterday, I observed the same strange phenomenon, except this time
the mustard was accompanied by a large pile of pickle relish. Is it
possible that the Bay area cities have been built atop ancient underground
condiment springs, much as La Brea is above tar pits. Think of the
potential of tapping one of the natural springs, of sending lines into
every home--no more bare hot dogs! Maybe there's some correlation with
the numerous earthquakes occuring in this area. Perhaps the excess of
spicy ingredients causes an underground disruption, something akin to a
stomach upset, leading to an eventual upheaval.
Maybe I should contact the geology department, to get their opinion on this.
A discovery like this could lead to possible reduction or prevention of
impending quakes--possibly by the administration of an antacid....
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 93 10:02:16 EDT
From: Kevin Lahey <kml@sware.com>
Subject: yucks submission
To: spaf
>From _Southern Voice_, a local weekly:
State Rep. Doug Teper has introduced legislation which would require the
Georgia laws against fornication, adultery, and sodomy to be posted in hotel
rooms. For those who don't comprende English, Teper has called for
"International Symbols" describing these fun activities. Get out your
drafting tools, let your imagination run wild, and send us the results.
We'll publish the winning entry.
[I wonder what the international symbol for "clueless" might be? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 4 Jun 92 18:36:09 GMT
From: sourada@iastate.edu (Steven D Ourada)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.computers
RealMan's LAN Initial Specification V 0.1
-------------------------------------------
I) Physical Specifications
The physical transmission medium shall be a pair of standard 20 gauge
copper wires, wrapped in Black Electrical Tape. Each node shall be
connected to the common Aeather by means of cutting the copper wire pair,
twisting the new node's wires together with the two exposed ends of the
Aeather, capping the splice with Those Orange Thingies, and wrapping
the entire splice in Black Electrical Tape.
Rationale: Who needs sissy coax? "It protects the network from _noooise_.
It prevents _leeaakage_. Oh my, whatever will we do about noise and leakage?"
II) Electrical Specifications
Transmissions shall occur by means of holding the Signal wire at
a specified level of voltage above the Ground wire for a specified time
for each bit.
Voltage level is determined by the following formulae:
'1' voltage level=Ambient voltage level * 3.
'0' voltage level=Ambient voltage level * 2.
Bit duration is determined by the following formula:
Bit duration=Bit duration from last failed transmission + 2 ms.
Receptions shall occur by means of measuring the voltage difference
between the Signal wire and the Ground wire. The signal with the highest
potential and the longest duration shall be recieved; all others shall be
ignored.
Note: The above transmission procedure guarantees that collisions are
handled properly. Also note that the transmission specifications dictate
that no Surge Protectors can be used on the Aeather, since valid voltages
may reach arbitrarily high levels. Prototypes of this network with three
nodes transmitting at speeds near 1000 bps have reached voltages of
38 kV; networks with more nodes or higher speeds may exceed this.
III) Communication Protocol
Transmissions may occur at any time. Data Packets may be of any length, and
must be preceded by an Address Packet consisting of a node name or a
HEYYOU (0x3c3c3c3c) Universal Address Packet.
Recievers shall only listen to Data Packets addressed to them, unless
the contents the Data Packet seem Interesting. If a Garbled Packet is
recieved, the node may trasmit either an WUT? (0x2a3483bf) Retransmit
Signal, or a BLLSHT (0x31415926) Transmitter Denial Signal.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------