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Yucks Digest V3 #12 (shorts)




Yucks Digest                Wed, 14 Apr 93       Volume 3 : Issue  12 

Today's Topics:
                            Administrivia
                           An Athletic Diet
                 And for my NeXT trick...(for yucks)
                           Held in contempt
                                humor
                    i can help myself, but I won't
          Ionic humor From "New Scientist", attributed from
                          ISlAmaBAD Airport?
                            nEXt unBUndLEd
                                 QOTD
                      The Fortran-filter Gateway
                         The truth about AIX?
                    time for a little sacrifice...
    Using your company's E-mail for private ... (Zak, RISKS-14.47)
                   Why I read alt.sex.bestiality...
       Yes, but could you prove it to the customer service rep?
                            You all suck.
                   Zen and the art of Yo-yo repair

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed Apr 14 12:10:48 EST 1993
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucksters

The mailer daemon is still not able to send back issues.  I've been busy and
not had much chance to rewrite the section involved.

However, I *have* reorganized my saved issues.  They are now separated out
by volume (year), with separate indices.  Furthermore, the whole archive is 
available through Gopher!  If you have access to a Gopher client, point it at
arthur.cs.purdue.edu, port 70 (the default) and access the path
'1/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks'

Coming soon, a WAIS index of past issues....stay tuned.
--spaf

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 93 19:30:08 EDT
From: mitch@clsi.UUCP (Mitchell N. Perilstein)
Subject: An Athletic Diet
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

The 1/19 Baltimore Sun had an interview with Frank Marshall, director of
upcoming film, "Alive," in which a rubgy team marooned in the mountains
must resort to cannibalism for survival.

Mr. Marshall said he was out driving, discussing the film deal on his
car phone, when he was cut off by a pickup with a bumper sticker
reading, "Rugby Players Eat Their Dead."

He decided to make the film, saying, "You have to go with those kinds of
things."


[What a thought.  Okay, what other common bumperstickers out there
could have inspired a move we have heard of?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1993 11:25:50 -0500
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: And for my NeXT trick...(for yucks)
To: spaf

In the August, 1992 issue of SunWorld, Mike Slade, marketing Vice
President at NeXT, predicted that, "Over time, sales of the [NeXTstep]
software will be twice the sales of the hardware--perhaps in a year."

Mr. Slade's vision has came true.  NeXT became a software-only
business early in 1993.

------------------------------

Date: 12 Apr 93 16:58:33 GMT
From: cline@cs.scarolina.edu (Ernest A. Cline)
Subject: Held in contempt
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

I heard on NPR this past Saturday morning that a bankruptcy court judge in
Miami had found a NationsBank computer in contempt of court. The computer
had continued to send notices to a couple that had filed for bankruptcy
despite the judges's order and the apparent best attempts of the bank to get
the computer to comply. He fined the computer 50M of hard disk storage and
10M of RAM. The bank decided to make the best of a bad situation, paid the
fine and sent an apologetic letter signed with a barcode.

------------------------------

Date: 12 Apr 93 14:39:59 -0500
From: RGINZBERG@eagle.wesleyan.edu (Ruth Ginzberg)
Subject: humor
Newsgroups: sci.med

Copied w/out permission from ETHICS, vol 103 No. 3 April 1993, p 435:

==========

As double-blind random clinical trials multiply, a little-recognized
nomenclature problem has arisen. ... At one time it was probably possible to
actually call the [control] a placebo in giving it to the patient, but in these
days of medical sophistocation few patients will be fooled.  Hence the need to
find suitable names for these substances.
[...]
I am therefore announcing a competition for suitable descriptive names for
placebos.  The following are some suggestions to stimulate your creative
processes.

	ALLINDAMYN		OBSCURITOL
	PSEUDOFED		GULLIUM
	DECEPTOMET		MANIPULIN
	EQUIVOCAINE		CONFUSEMOL
	FALSIFYCIN		GRATIFYCIN
	FOOLEMOL		FIBUSEF
	PREVARICAINE

==========

Presumably, contest entries should be mailed to

		Editor
		ETHICS
		Dept of Philosophy (M/C 267)
		University of Illinois at Chicago
		1524 University Hall
		601 South Morgan St.
		Chicago, IL 60607

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 11:08:41 EDT
From: bhahn@oldno7.sw.stratus.com (Bill Hahn)
Subject: i can help myself, but I won't

>jdt writes:
>>From: Robert E. Webber <webber@csd.uwo.ca>
>>
>>> > > > "A repo man's life is always intense!".
>>> > 
>>> > > A nomad's life is always in tents.
>>> > 
>>> > a grammarian's life is always in tense.
>>>
>>> A procrastinator's life is always intents.
>>
>>A decapod's life is always in tens.
>>
>>--- BOB (webber@csd.uwo.ca)
>
>A perfumist's wife is always in scents.

A perfumist: why fiz-zle raisin scents.
An old grape's life is all raisins' ends.
A reflector's life is all rays intense.
A flamer's strife is always incensed.
The bigtop's opening is all raising tents.
The landlord's life is all raising rents.
A bodyshop's life is always in dents.
A prettyprinter's life is always indents.
An evangelist's cries are always "Repent!'s".
That peculiar smell is all Ray's incense.
A pauper's balance is always in cents.
A porter's life is all "make depend"'s.
My mainframe program will always abend.
My modem's lights are always in SEND.
My S&L's life was always to lend.
A ripper's life is always to rend.
A diver's life is always in bends.
Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz.
An apologist's life is always amends.
A congregation's life is always Amens.
A popular life is "always with friends".
The MIT slogan is "Manus et Mens".
When visiting Boston stay out of the Fens.


-Bill H., "I think I just proved Spaf's point about having
           to pay to do this.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I
           *will* pay...."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 93 4:30:03 EDT
From: jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: Ionic humor From "New Scientist", attributed from
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

	Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one
stops and says,
	"Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!"
	"Are you sure?"  asks the other sodium atom.
	"Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 19:30:09 EDT
From: L.BULMUR on GEnie (Loyd)
Subject: ISlAmaBAD Airport?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

      (source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)
    Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
 (Pakistan) International Airport:
    Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here.  Request permission to land on runway 42-
Left.
    Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7.  Runway 42-Left is closed.  There was an
 unfortunate incident yesterday.  But you are cleared for landing on runway
 19-Right.
    Pilot: Roger Karachi tower.  Proceeding on approach pattern.
    [As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
 off from that runway and heading straight at him.  After taking violent
 evasive action, the conversation resumes]
    Pilot: Karachi Tower.  What is going on ??  You cleared me for landing
 on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!
    Tower: Oh dear.  I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 93 17:19:53
From: One of our correspondents
Subject: nEXt unBUndLEd
To: spaf (Yucks List)

THIS IS NEXT PROPRIETARY INFORMATION.  DO NOT DISSEMINATE
WITHOUT SIGNED APPROVAL.

To better penetrate the marketplace, concurrent with
shipment of NeXTOS/486, we will announce a new, unbundled
pricing strategy.  This strategy has proven successful
for our competitors, so we have decided to follow suit.

Here is a sample from The Unbundled NeXTOS Catalog.
==================================================================

The following componenets comprise the /bin section.  Other
commands will be found in other packages.  Some commands will
require libraries - see appropriate library section.  If you
are unsure which libraries you need, there is an optional
software product (Unbundled Interrelationships Browser)
available in the GUI section (may require some libraries).
Some of these are actual binaries and some are links.

All prices are exclusive of tax.  Please add $1 media charge,
shipping, and handling for each $100 merchandise ordered.
Man pages are available for $.10 each per $1 binary ordered.

The entire /bin directory is available for $150, INCLUDING
man pages and all libraries necessary to run all commands
in the /bin package, exclusive of development commands.
Development package is an additional $150, complete with
libraries and man pages.

All commands are BSD-compliant unless otherwise stated, or
unless there is no equivalent BSD command, in which case
eiether the SVR3 command, the POSIX command, or an
equivalent SunOS, AIX or CP/M command may be supplied,
at the sole discretion of NeXT.

base OS		free! (1) (3)
bsh		$10 (R)
csh		$10 (B)
ksh		$10 (2)
rsh		$10 (2)


[		$.89
ar		$1.50
as		$1.75
atom		$1
awk		$1.33
cat		$1 (2 for $1.50)
cc		$50
cc++		$100 (G)
chgrp		$1
chmod		$1
cmp		$1
cp		$1
date		$1
dd		$1
df		$1
diff		$1
domainname	$2
du		$1
echo		$.39
ed		$1
expr		$.60
false		$.25
file		$1
g++filt		$2 (G)
gdb		$7 (G)
grep		$1
hostid		$2
hostname	$2
jsh		$1
kill		$5
ld		$3
ln		$2
login		$1
ls		$10
mail		$3
make		$2
mkdir		$1
mkdirs		$1
mt		$1
mv		$1
nice		$1
nm		$2
nm++		$3 (G)
od		$1
otool		$1
pagesize	$1
passwd		$1
pip		$.17
pr		$1
ps		$2
pwd		$1
ranlib		$2
rm		$1
rmail		$2
rmdir		$1
sed		$1
segedit		$1
sh		$1
size		$1
strings		$2
strip		$2
stty		$1
su		$1
su.nowheel	$1
su.wheel	$1
sync		$2
tar		$1
tee		$.75
test		$.98
time		$1
tp		$1
true		$.25
wall		$1
who		$1
write		$1


NOTES
(B)	required with some Berkeley (BSD) commands
(G)	includes free source code (media charge $10)
(R)	Required
(1)	Minimal Library Package Required ($10)
(2)	requires bsh
(3)	See Base OS section

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1993 12:04:19 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
of civilization.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 5 Apr 1993 15:42:49 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Fortran-filter Gateway
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Date: Fri, 26 Mar 93 23:04:46 HST
From: "Joe Dellinger" <joe@montebello.soest.hawaii.edu>
Subject: The FORTRAN-hating gateway

	Several months ago we started noticing that (now and again) the
network connection to the mainland would become very very slow; this would
continue for 10-15 minutes or so, then all would suddenly be well again.  A
while after this started happening a coworker of mine complained to me that
the connection to the mainland _never_ worked anymore. It seems that he had
some FORTRAN source that he needed to copy to a machine on the mainland, but
he never could because "the network wouldn't stay up long enough for the ftp
to complete".

	Yes, it turned out that the network outages happened whenever he
attempted to ftp that _particular_ FORTRAN source file to the mainland. We
next tried compressing the file; it copied just fine then (but unfortunately
the machine on the mainland had no uncompress program, so it was still no go).
Finally we "split" his FORTRAN program up into very small pieces and sent them
one at a time. Most of the pieces would copy without trouble, but a few would
either not go at all or only go after many _many_ retries.

	Examining the troublesome pieces, we found they all had one thing in
common: they contained comment blocks that began and ended with lines
consisting of nothing but capital C's (his preferred FORTRAN commenting
style). At this point we started sending e-mail to the network gurus on the
mainland asking for help. Of course, they wanted to see an example of our
un-ftp-able files, so we mailed some to them... but our mail never got there.
Finally we got the bright idea of simply _describing_ what the unsendable
files were like. That worked. :-) [Dare I include in this message an example
of one of the offending FORTRAN comment blocks? Probably better not!]

	Eventually we were able to piece together the story. A new gateway had
recently been installed between our part of campus and the connection to the
mainland. This gateway had GREAT difficulty transmitting packets that
contained repeated blocks of capital C's!!!! Just a few such packets would
occupy all its energies and prevent most everything else from getting through.
At this point we complained to the gateway manufacturer... and were told "Oh,
yes, you've hit the repeated C's bug! We know about that already.".
Eventually we solved the problem... by buying new gateways from another
manufacturer. (In the manufacturer's defense I suppose an inability to
propagate FORTRAN programs might be considered a feature by some!)

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 93 12:54:03 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: The truth about AIX?
To: spaf

>From the posting "What does `Open' really mean?" by Joe Keane (jgk@osc.com):

> AIX looks like it was implemented by a pretty smart space alien who heard
> Unix described to him by a different space alien, but they had to gesture
> a lot because their universal translators were broken.

[This is best description of AIX I have ever heard!  --spaf]

> In fairness, I should also mention that HP/UX sucks.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 09:30:41 CDT
From: gatech!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: time for a little sacrifice...
To: spaf

I liked this signature, especially the 'Feed the Volcano' part.

> [Article of interest only to hunters deleted.]

> Don Meyer     Network Manager, UIUC College of Ag Microcomputer Facility
> internet:     dlmeyer@uiuc.edu		
> member:       NRA, ISSC, IL Farm Bureau	 "Don't blame me, I voted Libertarian!"
> 					    Nancy Lord in '96!
> 
> "Clinton wants us to sacrifice - We should start with the politicians.
>   Which do you recommend - burning at the stake, an altar & knife job, or the
>    tried-and-true 'Feed the Volcano' method?"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 12 Apr 93 11:28:21 EDT
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Using your company's E-mail for private ... (Zak, RISKS-14.47)
To: eniac

Newsgroups: comp.risks

In comp.risks Pat Place <prp@sei.cmu.edu> writes:
><XLACHA1@WEIZMANN.weizmann.ac.il> states that companies have the right to
>control the use of their computers and can therefore limit private use for,
>say, E-mail. The solution is to consider E-mail access as a fringe benefit.
>But aren't benefits taxable, so how much should I declare to the IRS for the
>437 bytes of this message? I have only counted the text and none of the header
>information. Pat Place prp@sei.cmu.edu

The answer, of course, is simple.  You send 28% of all the email you receive
(31% if you receive a lot of it) on a magtape to

	Internal Revenue Service
	Email Tax Collection
	Frostbite Falls MN 99999-0000

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1993 17:36:50 +22311259 (DST)
From: Kanthan Pillay <svpillay@berlioz.crs4.it>
Subject: Why I read alt.sex.bestiality...
To: eniac

From: an343@anon.penet.fi (Cow Lover.)
>For the record sheep are social, communicative creatures who posses a
>fairly substantial world view.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 10 Apr 93 4:30:02 EDT
From: feit@era.com (Mark Feit)
Subject: Yes, but could you prove it to the customer service rep?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Seen in the fine print of an ad for an "improve your sex life" book in
the back of a well-known bridal magazine:

	"Full refund if not completely satisfied within 10 days."

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 8 Apr 93 21:32 GMT
From: AJ Janschewitz <0005037030@mcimail.com>
Subject: You all suck.
To: Subgenius <Subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu>

Connecticut State Police suspect "computer hackers" are behind an incident
earlier this week when an electronic traffic sign designed to report jams,
etc., displayed the message "YOU ALL SUCK" to New York-bound motorists
during the morning rush hour on I-95 in Fairfield.

The signs are connected to the state Department of Transportation by
telephone lines, and in some cases, cellular phones, and controlled by a
central computer.

[Sigh.  If only these "computer hackers" had a sense of humor and a
little intelligence.  Imagine the effect of "Accident ahead -- take
next exit" instead.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1993 01:26:36 GMT
From: ses@tipper.oit.unc.edu (Simon Spero)
Subject: Zen and the art of Yo-yo repair
Newsgroups: comp.org.usenix

I can't think of a better group for this...

Can anybody tell me the best way to fix a yo-yo when the string has gotten
too loose, so half the time all you get is a yo?

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------