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Yucks Digest V3 #10 (shorts)




Yucks Digest                Tue, 30 Mar 93       Volume 3 : Issue  10 

Today's Topics:
                    800 numbers you needed to know
             adapted from the original in honor of knight
                    A great spin on a great sketch
                   Ah, the ubiquitous wax tadpole.
                 Another package I had not heard of?
                          Argumentative code
                        can't believe this...
                        Chia Pet Alternatives
                           Dueling Smokers
                             elvis lives
               Elvis sighted 22,000 miles above Moscow
         Fine for owners of dog dragged behind car at 40 mph
                     Frontiers of Copy Protection
                          George Bush quotes
                    Is there a merit badge for ...
                            Joke (2 msgs)
                          Killer Combination
                     Mem de l'Ac de Science (Fr)
                                  PC
                            Press Any Key
                  Spring is nigh in the garden state
                             Sublimation
      The Naming of Cats in the Hot, Dark City (Re: Books today)
                         The Natural Enquirer
                           The Perfect Kid
                        Want a brain, anyone?
     Why Orchestra Conductors Live Long (Was: Re: Shovelling Snow
                             wierd dream
              X product information & a bug in my parser
                 Yucks Digest V3 #9 (mixed, one long)

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1993 18:43:19 -1320
From: "Eric J. Olson" <ejo@kaja.gi.alaska.edu>
Subject: 800 numbers you needed to know
To: eniac

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has the following
number for their software sales (don't ask, you don't want to know):

 180033-666-44

They don't separate it quite like that, of course, but it seemed much
more appropriate to me.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1993 12:06:46 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: adapted from the original in honor of knight
To: spaf

> From: Sam_-_Malone@cup.portal.com
> Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
> Date: Sat, 27 Feb 93 18:34:11 PST
> Organization: The Portal System (TM)
> 
> 
> Damn, can't remember if I heard this years ago on Carson...or what.
> Oh well, ya gotta dig it, if it's about Iowans.  ;-)

and converted to a bobby knight joke by cdash

> Q. If Bobby knight was a farmer, What would his wife do when she's
     found out he's been having sex behind her back?
> 
> A. Scratch the cow's eyes out.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1993 07:49:05 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A great spin on a great sketch
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: chtodd@discover.wright.edu (Panther's Midnight)

   "This terminal is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone
    to meet its maker. This is a late terminal. It's a stiff. Bereft of
     life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the bench, it
      would be pushing up the daisies. It's run down the curtain and
            joined the choir invisible. This is an X-Terminal!"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 23 Mar 93 13:06:08 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Ah, the ubiquitous wax tadpole.
To: yucks

[You've seen some of these no doubt, but I thought this was a fairly
 complete collection (from the net) JW]
>From "American Demographics" magazine:

Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans
into foreign languages:

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it
came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually
stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduce it's cough drops on the german market, they were
chagrined to learn that the german pronunciation of "v" is f - which in german
is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,  only
to learn that "Puff" in german is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.   The
English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term
for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means
"it doesn't go" in Spanish.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in africa, they used the same
packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label.  Later they
found out that in Africa that companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside since more people can't read.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the
Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that
when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola."  The only problem was that the
characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole."  They later changed to a set of
characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron,
into Germany to find out that mist is slang for manure.  Not too many people
had use for the manure stick.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1993 12:30:34 EST
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (David James)
Subject: Another package I had not heard of?
To: eniac

Found in misc.jobs.offered today...

        - Cyborg Programmers            (3 positions in St. Louis,MO)

Or maybe the state-of-the-art has just gotten that far...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 16 Mar 93 13:11:36 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Argumentative code
To: spaf (Yucks List)

This comes via an associate.  Names are changed to protect said
associate's life.

|Heres a message from a friend of mine at a CAD company.  He asked me  
|how things were going and I told him I was working on code where lots  
|of stuff was being passed in global variables.  His reply follows:
|
|-----
|
|	As part of my current project, I have to survey
|ALL of the <company> <product> code.  Over the last two years, the
|Germans integrated a lot of stuff from <elsewhere> and I
|was looking through it for the first time over the weekend.
|I found a routine with 85 arguments, about a dozen with
|60 or more and many with upards of 30 or 40.  I sent a note
|to <Bob> and <Carol> that amounted to a primal scream
|and a threat to go on vacation.  Here is what <Bob> wrote back:
|
|Subject: Re: My God, my God, my God!
|To: <Ted>
|Date: Mon, 15 Mar 93 9:20:22 CST
|
|<Ted>,
|
|A couple of months ago a company named <spam> wanted us to take  
|over development and support of their 5-axis machining code.  It was  
|also written in German-Fortran.  As <Alice> and I were perusing some  
|source files I counted the number of arguments on a typical  
|subroutine -- 91.  I could have been off by one or two, however.
|
|I believe there is something in the DIN standards about proper  
|Fortran subroutines having a number of arguments equal to 1% of the  
|number of lines  of code.  This rule was originally meant to limit  
|the number of lines of code, but instead was given a typical German  
|interpretation in practice.  <Carol>, please verify this in your DIN  
|song book.
|
|-<Bob>
[Note that the numbers are for procedure parameters, and do not include
global variables.  When we recall the good ol' days, let us allso recall
that sometimes they were also the bad ol' days... -km]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 24 Mar 93 23:23:01 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: can't believe this...
To: bob

	In one of the display cases in Stewart Center, it has in big letters:

	"Illiteracy Eradification"

	I know where they can start....

------------------------------

Date: 19 Mar 93 23:51:08 EST
From: filippi1@husc8.harvard.edu (David Filippi)
Subject: Chia Pet Alternatives
Newsgroups: alt.pets.chia

(Martha LaCrosse) writes:
> Does anyone know of any alternative uses for the chia pet?

Yes, I do.  Start the chia pet as usual, but drop in about 5 fertilized
frog eggs (preferably Xenopus sp., at any rate something large at maturity.)

The fun begins as the maturing tadpoles, starved for food, but in a nicely
ionic environment, start cannibalizing each other.  After the games are
over and one uberfrog has emerged triumphant, start clipping the soft chia
tips and dropping them into the water to nourish the tadpole.  Trout chow
is better if you can get it. 

The frog will soon grow to be too large to escape through the chia watering
hole.  When the frog has reached a certain size you'll observe parts of
his anatomy pressing uncomfortably against the opening in the chia pet, which
by now should be quite furry (the chia and frog life-cycles are, luckily,
synchronous.)  If you're lucky, the pet will burst in the middle of the
night as you sleep, and you will be awakened by the slap of froggy foot
on wet tile as your new pet seeks freedom.

An interesting alternative for the jaded chia aficianados out there:
Water your frogs/pet with a solution of 0.015 M lithium chloride and a trace
of basic fibroblast growth factor.  The lithium chloride at that concentration
causes a slight dorsalization of the developing embryo resulting in extra-large
brain and eyes.  The growth factor speeds the growth process.  So you'll
be awakened by the slap of super-strong froggy-foot in your face, demanding
an explanation for such banal treatment.  Fun for the whole family.

[I would not recommend such behavior unless you really, really dislike
amphibians.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 26 Mar 1993 09:58:51 U
From: "Cook.Norm" <cook#d#norm@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Dueling Smokers
To: spaf

The following excepts are from Science News, 3/6/93, Letters, pp. 147 & 159. 
They are in response to the article, "Smoke Gets in Your Brain" (SN: 1/16/93,
p. 46) which summarized the findings of George J. Spilich, Professor of
Psychology, Washington College, Chestertown, MD.


"On average, smokers have lower IQs than nonsmokers."

Walter S. Pritchard
Senior Staff Scientist
Biological Research Group
R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co.
Winston-Salem, NC


"In fact, Spilich's data fly in the face of common sense.  It is clear that
smokers are not impaired in their complex thinking in everyday life.  For
example, Agatha Christie, Pablo Picasso, Moiere, Richard Feynman, Johannes
Brahms, Henry Ford, Orson Welles, Sigmund Freud, Jean Paul Sartre, Winston
Churchil, Federico Fellini, Charlie Chaplin, Rudolph Nureyev, Helen Keller,
Albert Einstein, Coco Chanel, and almost every sculptor and poet I can think of
smoked."

David M. Warburton
Professor of Psychopharmacology
University of Reading
Reading, England


And Spilich's response:

"I was surprised by Dr. Pritchard's expert opinion (which directly contradicts
Warburton's claims of intellectual enhancement) ... and I wonder how tobacco
companies might work that into their advertisements."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 17 Mar 93 18:02:48 PST
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: elvis lives
To: eniac

From the 15 March 93 New Yorker

	HOW'S THAT AGAIN? DEPT.
	[From the Boulder (Colo.) Daily Camera]

    The new stamp has caused such a stir at Boulder's
post office that it prompted one frustrated clerk to
exclaim, "I don't even like Elvis.  I wish he were dead."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 17 Mar 93 12:50:57 -0600
From: Matt Crawford <crawdad@fncent.fnal.gov>
Subject: Elvis sighted 22,000 miles above Moscow
To: "Eniac,eniac,digital miracle" <eniac

     SUN MICROSYSTEMS SAYS IT HAS SIGNED A JOINT DEVELOPMENT PACT
    with ELVIS+, a private Russian corporation, to develop
    handheld computers that can communicate by satellite.
       ELVIS+, a Russian acronym that stands for Electronic
    Computer and Information Systems, is staffed by a team of
    scientists who built top-secret Soviet spy satellites. Sun
    has agreed to take a 10 % equity position in the company.
       A published report recently stated that ELVIS+ had
    developed a microwave antenna tiny enough to fit on a single
    computer chip. Such a device would go a long way toward
    cutting the size and weight of portable communicators.

[Elvis, tiny?  Noooo  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 17 Mar 93 0:53:42 PST
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (UPI)
Subject: Fine for owners of dog dragged behind car at 40 mph
Newsgroups: clari.news.interest.animals,clari.news.trouble,clari.news.europe,clari.news.law.crime.sex

	LONDON (UPI) -- A tiny pet dog was dragged along a road at 40 mph when
her owners forgot they had tied her to the car fender, a court was told.
	The owners of the nine-month-old Shihtzu were each given a six-month
conditional release and ordered to pay vet's fees of $167) for treatment
of serious injuries sustained as the dog bounced along the road for 100
yards until her lead snapped.
	Neil Rook, witnessed the incident and took the animal to a vet, who
found her paw pads had been worn away.
	Alan and Imelda Best did not realize their pet was missing until they
had driven another seven miles, magistrates said.
	The couple said they had gone to West Bay in Dorset, tied the dog to
the bumper and when they packed up they forgot about their pet.
	The dog, who has made a complete recovery, has been reunited with the
family in Somerset.

------------------------------

Date: 20 Mar 93 00:30:03 GMT
From: dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu (David Sewell)
Subject: Frontiers of Copy Protection
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

There's a new outfit named CyberRomance that is offering original romance
fiction online as shareware through the BBS's.  I downloaded one of
their titles, "Savage Beating Hearts," and discovered it was actually
crippleware!  I'm attaching the disclaimer on the copyright screen.
======================================================================

                      SAVAGE BEATING HEARTS

                       by Fiona Westfield

                Copyright (c) 1992, CyberRomance Inc.


CONDITIONS OF ISSUANCE.  This is a freely distributable version of
SAVAGE BEATING HEARTS, identical to the commercial version except for
the differences noted below.  It may be copied and distributed in
electronic or print form without permission so long as no charge is made
for such sale and distribution, except for a nominal fee to cover costs
of media, postage, and handling, in no case to exceed $5 US.

The full-featured edition of SAVAGE BEATING HEARTS may be obtained for
$9.95 from CyberRomance, either from our online bookstore on CompuServe
[GO GOTHIC], or by phoning 1-800-555-3434.  Both DOS and Macintosh
versions are available.

PLEASE NOTE the following features of the commercial version of SAVAGE
BEATING HEARTS that have been altered or disabled in this freeware
release:

1: Male characters bear names of the Anglo-Norman nobility rather than
   Hank, Jethro, and Gomer as in this version.
2: Action takes place in Monaco rather than New Jersey.
3: Intimate scenes between Charisse and male characters are given in
   full.  In this version they have been replaced with descriptions of 
   bowling league games.
4: Charisse wears a stunning array of gowns, swimsuits, and other
   fashions instead of Mao suits.
5: Male characters do not chew tobacco and spit.
6: The skip-to function that takes readers directly to the good parts 
   has been disabled in the freeware version.
7: The letter "e" appears as such.  In the freeware version it has
   been replaced by "x".

CyberRomance hopes you will enjoy this free version of our newest
hit, SAVAGE BEATING HEARTS!

[Okay, I'm taking my tongue out of my cheek now...  --DS]

------------------------------

Date: 17 Jun 92 08:30:05 GMT
From: aberman@cs.washington.edu
Subject: George Bush quotes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Here are some George Bush Quotes I have collected-  Enjoy!
Many are from Doonesbury, and the New Republic.

"I think there were some differences, there's no question, and will
still be. We're talking about a major, major situation here that
requires constant work.  But it was well worth it and there's much
more to it than just this- I mean just these sixteen accomplishments
or whatever: I mean, we've got a major rapport- relationship of
economics, major in the security, and all of that, we should not lose
sight of."
	--1/10/92 to reporters, on his trip to Japan

"Please don't look at the part of the glass that is only half full."
	--11/6/91

"No you're not going to see me stay put... I am not going to forsake
my responsibilities. You may not see me put as much- I mean, un-put
as much"
	--11/8/91

"You cannot be president of the United States of you don't have faith.
Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil
War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't
feel sorry for- don't cry for me, Argentina."
	--1/15/92


"I think I've got to do better in making clear what the message is, and
I think I can do better. But I think there's so much noise out there
that I've got to figure out how to make it clearer that we are for the
things that I have advocated that would help."
	-2/18/91

"Your dedication and tireless work with the hostage thing, with
Central America, really give me cause for great pride in you and
thanks. Get some turkey, George Bush."  
-- Vice President George Bush in a written expression of gratitude to
Oliver North, circa Thanksgiving 1985. Read by North during his
interview with Ted Koppel on "Nightline," 10/22/91


"I don't want to just sit here blaming Congress. I mean, we're all
in this together." --President Bush, 11/20/91 to news anchor Bill
Stuart of KCNC-TV, Denver.
"I think the Congress should be blamed." --several minutes later,
to Warner Saunders of WMAQ-TV, Chicago.

"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. 'If.'
 Too hypothetical."


"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids.  I learned an awful lot
about bathtub toys-- about how to work the telephone. One guy knows- several
of them know their own phone numbers- preparation to go to the dentist. A lot
of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day." - January 21, at a
Head Start center in Catonsville, Maryland



"The guy over there at Pease - a woman actually - she said something about a
 country-western song about the train, a light at the end of the tunnel...
 I only hope it's not a train coming the other way. Well, I said to her, well,
 I'm a country music fan. I love it, always have. Doesn't fit the mold of some
 of the columnists, I might add, but nevertheless - of what they think I ought
 to fit in, but I love it.  You should have been with me at the c.m.a. awards
 at Nashville. But nevertheless, I said to them there's another one that the
 Nitty Ditty Nitty Gritty Great Bird - and it says if you want to see a rainbow
 you've got to stand a little rain. We've had a little rain. New Hampshire
 has had too much rain."

"And so I do understand New Hampshire because I have this wonderfully warm
 feeling that New Hampshire feels exactly the way we do on these questions of
 family values and faith.  Somebody said to me, we prayed for you over there. 
 That was not just because I threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, either.
 Where was he when I needed him? I said, let me tell you something. And I say 
 this - I don't know whether any ministers from the episcopal church are here -
 I hope so. But I said to him this: You're on to something here.  You cannot
 be President of the United States if you don't have faith.  It's been great.
 I'll go back to Washington all fired up for tomorrow and tackle the President
 or the Prime Minister of this or the Governor of that coming in. But I'll
 have this heartbeat..."


"You're burning up time.  The meter is running through the sand on you and
I am now fillibustering."


"I see this glass not half-empty, but half-full and more."


"Ours is a great state, and we don't like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is
one of the great bass fishermen. He's a Texas young guy, and he's a very 
competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the
creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind
his father, and he said--as a fisherman he said it's great to grow up in a
country with no limits..."

"Somebody--somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't
remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner,
my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win--one run.
But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of
shortcake over there--able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it,
it didn't have to be approved by Congress--I just went ahead and ate it--
and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..."
-March 4, at a fund-raising lunch in Tampa, Florida

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 93 09:13:51 -0500
From: hosking@osf.org
Subject: Is there a merit badge for ...
To: spaf

According to this morning's news, the Ohio area girl scout council
decided to change its 800 number when it found that it spelled
800-BAD-GIRL.  Unfortunately for them, the number was quickly snapped
up by a phone sex line.  Oops...

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 93 14:57:54 PST
From: ross@qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Joke
To: yucks

This joke is really meant to be told verbally. It also helps if you are a
football fan.

Q: Did you hear that Buffalo is getting a new area code?
A: 043

[The Buffalo Bills have lost in each of the last 3 Superbowls. Hence they
 are 0 for 3 (043, get it?)]

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 93 10:29:06 PST
From: Jamie Andrews <jamie@cs.sfu.ca>
Subject: joke
To: eniac

     If you don't like this, bear in mind that I could have
given it the full shaggy-dog treatment...

     So there's this Elizabeth Schwartzkopf recital.  She's
singing mostly Italian arias, and for the most part they're
being very well received.  But there's this one guy in the
audience who after every song jumps up and calls out, "Do some
Alsatian Easter songs!  Do some Alsatian Easter songs!"

     Well needles to say this gets annoying after a while and
finally the guy next to him says "Will you shut up?!  I like
what she's doing just fine!"  And the guy says "Well, I don't...

     "That's why I yell for the Lieder of the Pa^ques"

------------------------------

Date: 27 Mar 93 08:20:02 GMT
From: JOCONNER@csi.compuserve.com
Subject: Killer Combination
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

I got this from a local alternative newspaper.....

What do you say to someone who gives you a GM truck, a cellular phone
and a Jack-In-The-Box coupon book?

"Thank You, Dr. Kevorkian!"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 1 Dec 92 14:43:52 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Mem de l'Ac de Science (Fr)
To: eniac
 
I'm enmeshed in a bibliographic nightmare this week.
We own a broken set of the MEMOIRES of the French 
Academy of Sciences, and it was recently discovered
that it was never cataloged. It's piled all around 
me even as we speak, horrid racks of it. They started 
publishing it in 1666, but our set, in various sway-backed 
editions, goes back no further than 1692. 

I learn, from the 1693 volume, that if you sew 
a turtle's nostrils and beak shut, and encase its 
head in wax, it will nevertheless live for a long time: 31 days
(the first one) or 32 days (the second). This from
the experimental report of M. Meri, who wanted to 
investigate why turtles and foetuses can live for 
a long time without breathing. A dog, on the other hand,
will live for only seven days if you take its sternum
out.  M. Meri thinks the muscles attached 
to the sternum are necessary for moving the
lungs, but he's not sure how a turtle can get 
by if you take out the analogous structure.
But it can. 

M. de la Hire has been dropping objects of 
different densities, shapes, and sizes into 
water, to study the laws that govern what 
the ripples will be like. 

Jesuit fathers in Ava (in Siam) and at 
Malacca send in reports of their observations
of a comet visible from the 8th to the 21st
of December 1689 (news travels slowly from 
Siam). 

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 26 Mar 93 17:35:11 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: PC
To: political@pencom.com, spaf (Yucks List)

From talk.bizarre:

"Please don't call me a racist.
I'm just challenged by ethnic diversity."

------------------------------

Date: 26 Mar 93 00:30:03 GMT
From: crs@crs.cl.msu.edu (Charles Severance)
Subject: Press Any Key
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

This is a true story:

My wife went to her first College Algebra class with a brand spanking new
graphing calculator - still in the box.  About 45 minutes into the class
it was time to start using the calculator.  She proudly took it out of the
box and began to perform the exercises.  However there was one problem -
no matter what key she pressed, the display would not clear.

After pressing nearly every key on the calculator, she gave the calculator
to another student who seemed to be doing really well and asked, "Could
you show me the key to clear the display?".  Without smiling or saying a
word the student peeled off the clear plastic example display
and handed the calculator back.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 1993 17:43:35 -0500
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Spring is nigh in the garden state
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: sullivan@bellcore.com (Mark Sullivan)
Subject: Spring is nigh in the garden state

The first polar bear of spring was sighted yesterday out on the New
Jersey tundra.  First thing you know, the ice flows will be breaking
up, the caribou migrations will start and the sun will rise for the
summer.  It's so exciting!  Spring is near!

You know, I even saw my car the other day.  Oh, ok, I didn't actually
*see* it.  I was heading home yesterday and I heard a faint voice coming
from a crevice in the 2nd Avenue glacier.  "Dude!"  It said.  "What
happened to the beach?"  I knew it had to be my car.  What kind of
car from New Jersey would call a stranger "dude"?

Since it sounded so depressed, I decided to cheer the poor thing up.
I hollered down to it about how excited I was to have seen the first
spring polar bear and everything, but it didn't seem to take heart.
Then, I observed that it was pretty funny that I had gotten so bummed
out that time I had to turn on the defroster during the famous
Berkeley frosty morning of '90.  My poor car didn't find that funny at
all and moaned something uncharitable up through the ice.  I kept on
trying, but it got more and more ugly and threatening so I finally
left.

I guess I ought to be worried, now.  Mazdas tend to hold grudges and
my car could easily lick me in a fair fight.  What with the ice flows
breaking up, I could be in serious trouble.  I'm kind of hoping one of
the polar bears gets it as soon as the windshield starts poking
through the ice.  Polar bears do some serious carbo-loading before
they begin the yearly trek to their summer range in the frozen
wastelands of Point Barrow, Irkutsk, Toronto and Boston.  While
shivering Mazdas are pretty fierce, you should see how mean those
polar bears get when they have to leave the old Garden State for
colder climes.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Mar 93 4:30:02 EST
From: rjg@umnstat.stat.umn.edu (Robert J. Granvin)
Subject: Sublimation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Some time  ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s).  e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a 
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
"burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

------------------------------

Date: 7 Jun 92 06:55:00 GMT
From: malc@pyramid.unr.edu (Malcolm L. Carlock)
Subject: The Naming of Cats in the Hot, Dark City (Re: Books today)
Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet

Warning:  Language and sexual situations may offend some readers.



From: bhoughto@hopi.intel.com
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: The Naming of Cats in the Hot, Dark City (Re: Books today)
Message-ID: <11395@inews.intel.com>
Date: 4 Jun 92 20:20:13 GMT

In article <1992Jun4.002314.6590@terminator.cc.umich.edu> ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD) writes:
>   _The Wasteland_ by Martin Rowson.  A comic book pastiche of Raymond
>    Chandler and T.S. Eliot.  The drawings don't look all that great.
>    I hope the writing makes up for it.

I clicked the safety off my automatic, and Grizabella
slipped her tail under my ass.

"Name the cat," I growled at Rumpleteaser.  He squirmed on
the fuzzy, ineffable pillow.  It looked inviting, with its
tassels and the faint odor of old catnip resin rising from
its velour cover.  I poked the gat at him again.

"Why do you want to know?" he purred.  His felininity
was making me sick.  I began to hack a little, but I
held it back.

"Call me curious."

Grizabella was on her back by now, rubbing against the
hardwood floor.  She had eight taut tits, and I'd never
been "fixed." It distracted me long enough for Mungojerrie
to jump from the next building into the window and sink
his fangs into my rump.  I hissed once and pumped two
hot lead-mice into his ear.

When I looked back up, Rumpleteaser was gone.  Grizabella
slinked onto the pillow and sat there, looking at me with
those inscrutable, vertical slitted, yellow-green eyes
of hers.

"What are you gonna do now, fur-ball?" she purred.  I leapt
on her, shedding my trench-coat on the jump.  Her neck felt
good between my teeth and the way her tail curled around my
back made me think of the first time I ever did it
doggie-style.  Her tongue lashed at the air, and her eyes
were welded shut.  She enjoyed it.  Then it was over.  She
licked her paws, and I licked my balls.

I put my coat back on, slipped my rod into my pocket, and left
through the door.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Mar 93 09:33:00 -0600
From: Matt Crawford <crawdad@munin.fnal.gov>
Subject: The Natural Enquirer
To: "Eniac,eniac,digital miracle" <eniac

                       Here's a Hot One 

     Scientists at the Agricultural Research Service vegetable
  lab in Charleston, SC, have bred a new cayenne pepper and
  dubbed it, appropriately, Charleston Hot.
     The 2-inch-long pepper is compact, high-yielding and
  spicy hot, plus resistant to 4 kinds of nematodes that
  customarily attack pepper plant roots.
     At 18 inches high when mature, the plant takes up little
  space, so is perfect for home gardens. Seeds are obtainable
  by writing to the US Vegetable Laboratory, 2875 Savannah
  Highway, Charleston, SC, 29414-5334.  



                    Wandering Boars Have Officials Hogtied

     The Indiana Board of Animal Health is looking for the swine 
  who considers the state's animal import laws to be hogwash. 
  Robert Apple, a board investigator, says someone brought 4 pairs 
  of wild hogs, also known as razorbacks, into the state without 
  clearing it with officials.
     The hogs have not been tested for swine brucellosis and have 
  killed 11 pigs and piglets.  They also are hard to capture. 
  Apple speculates someone wanted them for a herd or hunting, but
  he says, "I'm not sure why anyone would want a wild boar head 
  on the wall for a trophy." 

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 93 18:03:22 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: The Perfect Kid
To: spaf (Yucks List)

On a mailing list, we were discussing what it might have been
like to have Jesus as a brother.  It was pretty easy for me,
actually...

"James, do you love me?"
   "Well, you're OK for an older brother, Jesus."
"James, do you love me?"
   "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
"James, do you love me?"
   "Aw, you know I do."
"Then why did you eat my chocolate sheep I got for bar mitzvah?"

"Jesus didn't eat all his peas, and he's getting a cookie!"
   "Jenny, first get the cedar of lebanon out of your own eye,
    then you may whine about splinters in the eyes of others..."
"Huh"
   "I saw you try to feed your bolied okra to the goat."
"Yeah, and he wouldn't eat it, either."
   "The law says it is wrong to lie to your parents, but I tell you..."
"Ma, make Him quit sermonizing!"

"Jesus, quick...in here!"
   "What is it, Jesse?"
"Johnny & Jeremiah and I were playing in dad's shop, and we
 knocked over something he was working on.  Could you maybe
 fix it so he wouldn't know?"
   "Didn't dad tell you not to play in there anymore?"
"Aw, come on.  We forgot."
   "You should tell dad yourself.  Ask him to forgive you."
"What? Are you nuts!  He'll kill me!  Aw, what do you care?  You
 never get in trouble."
   "My time is not yet come."

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 26 Mar 93 14:05:10 -0500
From: "Alan (Gesture Man) Wexelblat" <wex@media.mit.edu>
Subject: Want a brain, anyone?
To: spaf

The following was recently posted at a medical school in the DC area.

[headers deleted to protect the allegedly innocent]

> Date: 19-MAR-1993 19:34:03
> Description: FREE TO A GOOD HOME                                  
> 
> FREE:  ONE MS-1 BRAIN, ONLY SLIGHTLY USED SINCE THE START OF THE YEAR
> IT HAS SOME SLIGHT DAMAGE AND IS RATHER WORN OUT, BUT IT WILL SURELY BOUNCE
> BACK NICELY, AS LONG AS IT IS NOT EXPECTED TO PERFORM ANY FUNCTION MORE
> COMPLEX THAN WHAT IT WANTS FOR DINNER.  IT IS SOMEWHAT LARGE, BUT IS GREAT
> WITH CHILDREN AND LOVES CARTOONS.  ALL INTERESTED PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE
> ON E-MAIL. 

[Okay Yucks readers -- is this one of you trying to make some
extra money?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: 19 Mar 93 08:26:39 EDT
From: RGINZBERG@eagle.wesleyan.edu (Ruth Ginzberg)
Subject: Why Orchestra Conductors Live Long (Was: Re: Shovelling Snow
Newsgroups: sci.med

In <25022@alice.att.com> ark@alice.att.com writes:

> I saw an article in the New York Times a while back that said that
> orchestra conductors belong to the second longest-lived profession.

Orchestra conductors live long lives because it is a well known scientific fact
that It Ain't Over 'Til The Fat Lady Sings, and the orchestra conductor can
make sure that the fat lady NEVER sings.

:-)

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 20 Mar 93 2:23:19 MST
From: Lazlo Nibble <lazlo@triton.unm.edu>
Subject: wierd dream

I dreamt that I went to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert and one of the opening
bands was this flamboyantly gay gentleman and Billy Ray spant lots of time
making "satan fingers" at the crowd and making gestures like Bela Lugosi
hypnotizing Loretta King in "Bride Of The Monster", and instead of doing a
final song or an encore he played most of Jackson Browne's "Running On
Empty" album after the band left and wandered around the stage for half an
hour picking up clothing people threw at him and sitting on it and throwing
it back while the confused crowd slowly filtered out, and I met him
backstage after the show and he bubbled over about how he had a corpse
named Charlie Ray in his car at the Grand Canyon and made it wave at a
family there and he promised my best friend that he'd give him a job doing
makeup effects on the "Billy Ray Cyrus Story" movie that John Carpenter is
doing for Universal.

The frightening part of all this is that none of it was a dream.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 29 Mar 93 9:48:29
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: X product information & a bug in my parser
To: spaf (Yucks List)

A customer asked:

>we plan to install your [X product] software at our computer pool.
>We have 10 NeXTstations turbo.
>How much does a license for our computer pool cost?

Base Package:          $1500
Gunnite Option:        $1200
Diving Board:           $300
Xfish:                  $450
Diving Bitmask:         $200
Underwater Windows:    $1000
Waterproof Mouse:       $250 ea.
Heavy Duty Resource
 Converters & Filters: $1000 [recommended with turbo-powered boats]

Order before 4/1 and we'll throw in a free copy of xgas with 200 MB
of chlorine.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 18 Mar 93 09:25:30 CST
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V3 #9 (mixed, one long)
To: spaf

> From: gowen@jade.tufts.edu (G. Lee Owen)
> Newsgroups: comp.edu,comp.programming
>
> working on Suns with SunOS 4.1.1 and SunOS 5.1.  But I have not heard
> of LL or LR grammars, and a thorough check of the man pages (each
> section, as well as man -k) failed to yield anything except an obscure
> proprietary Convex "Logical Link Device Driver."
>     :
>     :
> (Oh yes -- ll and lr in man section 1 on Convex Unix (BSD, ah, 4.2, I
> believe) are variations of the 'ls' command, interpreted as 'ls -l'
> and 'ls -R', respectively... I don't think that's what is being
> discussed, either.)
>     :
>     :
> It bothers me that I am, well, ignorant.  Can someone
> give me a pointer so that I can figure it out?

Well, being a Compiler type at Convex, I thought it might be
my responsibility to clarify some of these problems.

In an attempt to make the Universe consistent again, I will
hereby request that we create a "lalr" command and place it
too in section 1 with a lalr(1) man page.

Besides, it's Convex Unix (BSD, ah, 4.3, I know).

char *get_a_clue;

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------