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Yucks Digest V3 #8 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 12 Mar 93 Volume 3 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
administrivia
"Write in C."
(n@Nd0) Re: electronic self-stimulation
A 'litter-ary' reading
Brandweek's Corridor talk
Famine, War, Pestilence, Plague, and Mime
For Yucks: The Olden Times
Found while fingering
Fred Flintstone Not Educational?
FYI -- White House on Usenet
Gazing into the Abyss
Gods on Usenet?
Golf Quote
Hanz Up: joie de vivre vs good grammar, America vs Japan
Happy Hooters
Harlan Ellison
I hope she was worth it!
Letters of "Recommendation"
Life's Little Mysteries
lurking in misc.legal (and from MIT no less)
NEWS: joke
News Item #1
NOTW
Semi-funky president
snicker...
so we all understand
Spy
Switching Long Distance Companies
This is probably taking reusable software a bit far...
Todd
Top 10 Plans for ATF in Waco
You need this catalog
your mail
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: yucksters
Sorry that there haven't been many digests recently -- I've gotten way
behind in overdue work. :-)
Just a quick note to say that the mail server is temporarily not able
to return old digests. I'm revamping the organization (including
making past issues available through Gopher), and in the meantime the
server can't understand what I've done with the files.
This one's a collection of accumulated short postings. Several are
somewhat questionable, but a random sample of people accosted in the
hall seemed to like them....
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 93 14:24:57 PST
From: jay (Jay Jayakumar)
Subject: "Write in C."
To: sw
Don't waste too much time reading this junk mail!!
Jay
Forwarding notes removed..............
Subject: Write in C..
Sung to Beatles "Let it Be":
When I find my code in tons of touble,
Friends and colleages come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
{
Guitar Solo
}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeros,
Write in C.
A thousand people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80s,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
------------------------------
Date: 15 Feb 93 23:29:25 GMT
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] Angel of Wind")
Subject: (n@Nd0) Re: electronic self-stimulation
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.tasteless,alt.sex.aluminum.baseball.bat,alt.sex
[ i'm sure keith edwards will want to be credited ;-) for this incredible find
--strick]
[There are people on the net with entirely too much free time on
their hands. --spaf]
Too complicated. I can offer some better advice.
First eat six tablespoonsful of very fine iron filings. You can
usually get these in the drugstore. You can swallow them plain or in
clam chowder but the easiest way is to mix them into ground beef and
have hamburgers. The hamburgers will be a little gritty but believe me,
it's worth it. Now wait about fourteen hours.
Get yourself hard and then wrap your penis completely in coils of
insulated bell wire up to the base of the glans. The aluminum fiber
kind is better than the solid copper kind, because it is more flexible.
Attach a twelve-volt battery to the wires and wire in a 200 microfarad
capacitor, which will charge up right away. If you wound the wire
clockwise, be sure to attach the top end to the positive terminal on the
battery; otherwise attach the bottom end.
Now is the tricky part: You have to have an orgasm; most men find
this challenging when their penises are wrapped in aluminum wire. Some
things that might help: Apply a vibrator to the base of your penis or to
your perineum; have a friend stimulate your prostate or use a vibratore
rectally; have a friend fellate the head of your penis. (Mine is too
sensitive for this last.)
What happens next? When you ejaculate, your seminal fluid is loaded
with iron; as it passes through your urethra, it induces a current in
the coiled wire which is counter to the flow of current from the
battery. The battery is still supplying power, though, and will induce
a counter magnetic field in your semen which will stop it and slam it
back where it came from. The sensation when this happens is just
incredible. (It's a well-known Taoist sexual technique if you use your
fingers to reverse the semen instead of electromagnetism.) Best of all,
you can do it again in a couple of minutes.
I advise that persons with penis piercings or other urethral
mutilations avoid trying this. If you don't have a penis I can't offer
any good advice on adapting this technique for your own use; if you have
any good ideas please let me know.
Hope this helps. Followups to alt.sex.
[I'd suggest not trying this at home -- yours or anyone else's.. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 93 09:05:31 EST
From: Unknown
Subject: A 'litter-ary' reading
Newsgroups: clari.local.indiana,clari.news.interest.quirks
INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- A book shop that has frequent readings and tries
to round up interested audiences for them got the "better mousetrap"
club beating a path to its event Sunday.
There was some hissing but no applauding from the main guests at the
reading conducted at a pet supply store. Cats made up half the audience
to hear readings from Alvin Schwartz's "Stories to Tell a Cat." Their
owners were the other half.
The humans seemed to be far more attentive than the cats, but Borders
Book Shop's resident storyteller, Reed Nesbitt, said he felt the felines
liked some of what they heard.
"They liked hearing about the mice being eaten," he said.
Not a single cat fight occurred, although there were some catty looks
traded.
"Garfield would be proud," said Katrina Leonard, who attended with
her daughter, Heather, and her long-haired cat, Abby.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 93 11:20:05 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Brandweek's Corridor talk
To: eniac
these are from the CORRIDOR TALK page in BRANDWEEK,
which I suspect few of you read:
Japanese historian Toshiyuki Tanaka says that he
has uncovered more than 100 instances of Japanese
eating Australians [in World War II], not all of
them instances that can be explained away as cases
where the soldiers were starving.
Minnesota state auditor (and department store heir)
Michael Dayton cut his own paycheck to $1 last year
to help balance the state's budget. In his annual
check for '92, though, the state still took out tax,
delivering to Dayton a paycheck for 81 cents.
That mean Ed Rollins, stung by being fired from the
Perot campaign, was in Houston telling stories, including
one about the list of possible vice presidential
running mates for the Texas billionaire. When Perot
aide Tom Luce gave Rollins the list, he noted that
one of the names was William French Smith, former
attorney general in the first Reagan administration.
'I hope we're not too interested in him,' Rollins
reports himself as saying, 'he died in 1984.'
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 93 18:05:05 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Famine, War, Pestilence, Plague, and Mime
To: spaf
>Newsgroups: ne.general
>Path: news.cs.brandeis.edu!noc.near.net!uunet!world!cosell
>From: cosell@world.std.com (Bernie Cosell)
>Subject: Re: MBTA to install TVs (with advertising)
In article <1n5di0INNj4j@life.ai.mit.edu>, Marie Lamb (marie@ai.mit.edu) wrote:
} Just got the following announcement in the mail:
} ---------------------------------------------------------------------
} STOP MBTA TV ADS
} Street Artists' Guild Open Public Meeting
} The MBTA is going to install up to 400 televisions with paid
} ads (including audio) on subway platforms this spring. The ads are
} scheduled for 1/3 of the 10 minute program cycles repeated throughout
} the day. It will mean the end of subway street perfomrances. These
} ads will interrupt everyone's conversations and thoughts.
Unlike subway street performances, which interrupt everyone's conversation
and thoughts....
[I kept Patrick's header because I liked his subject line better. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 93 11:32:27 -0500
From: gatech!ncrws1.peachtreecityga.ncr.com!jfruecht (John Fruecht)
Subject: For Yucks: The Olden Times
To: spaf
Morning, Gene,
This is compliments of Jerry Walker:
This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to
Honus Wagner.
Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights, and
when it got dark you couldn't see what you were doing very well. One
time he was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but
he just lost it in the darkness. Fortunately a rabbit was running by
at the time, and he grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.
This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 93 12:42:07 -0500
From: Marc G. Frank <mgfrank@avernus.com>
Subject: Found while fingering
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
It seems terribly rude to make fun of someone's name, but sometimes I
just can't help myself.
While fingering a certain .edu site, I came across
fsun Fuming Sun 1:26 q1 lictor (128.205.15.12)
Oriental student, or damaged workstation? You be the judge!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1993 18:18:14 -0500
From: jfw@jfwhome.funhouse.COM
Subject: Fred Flintstone Not Educational?
To: eniac
So, the FCC has just declared that the Flintstones and Leave it to Beaver
are not educational TV for the purposes of satisfying license requirements
for TV broadcasters. (Hey, I learned everything I know about prehistoric
man from the Flintstones!) When I heard the news, I immediately thought
"Hey, I hadn't heard of any deaths of FCC Commissioners", but I just read
in the paper that Sikes, appointed by Reagan to head the committee, resigned
just before Clinton took office (now if only they could get rid of that woman
who stole half the 220MHz amateur radio band for UPS...).
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 93 11:52:45 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: FYI -- White House on Usenet
Top 10 New Newsgroups
10 alt.fan.clinton.bill
9 alt.fan.clinton.hillary
8 alt.fan.clinton.chelsea
7 alt.fan.gore.al
6 rec.music.metal.tipper
5 rec.sport.budget.balancing
4 rec.sport.budget.porkbarrel
3 rec.sport.sniper
2 soc.religion.newage.guy.sensitive
1 comp.sys.mac.fleetwood ($5 to the person who newgroups this one)
------------------------------
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu ("[*] The Turing Police")
Subject: Gazing into the Abyss
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Today I ate lunch with a coworker I don't know too well. He tried
to make me lose my appetite by saying disgusting things. This is doomed
to failure, as there are only a few specific things that will disgust me
enough to ruin my appetite, and they are quite personal and unguessable.
In any case, I was eating chicken, and he said, "Hey, did you ever
think that maybe that meat isn't really what you think it is?"
"No, not really."
"Who knows where those trucks get their supplies from. Could be
dog meat. Or cat meat."
"I hear dog meat is a delicacy in China."
"Or it could be from someone *human* maybe."
"Nope."
"Ah, but you can't be certain, can you?"
"Sure I can."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Human doesn't taste anything like this."
He was silent for the rest of the hour.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Feb 93 14:25:36 GMT
From: ath@linkoping.trab.se (Anders Thulin)
Subject: Gods on Usenet?
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
In article <109875@netnews.upenn.edu> jarnot@kin.lap.upenn.edu (Kevin J. Jarnot) writes:
>...or to discuss evolutionary changes with the big-G. Nipples on men
>is such a stupid idea...
They're just stubs. Wait till you see the next release ...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Mar 93 4:30:02 EST
From: bigfoot@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (Campbell March)
Subject: Golf Quote
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the New Zealand Dominion Sunday Times, 25th October:
"I'll take the 2-stroke penalty, but I'll be damned if I play it where it lies"
-Golfer Elaine Johnson, after her shot ricoheted off a tree into her bra.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 93 13:19:24 EST
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Hanz Up: joie de vivre vs good grammar, America vs Japan
To: eniac
------- Forwarded Message
Linguistic Thuggery
Hanz Up
Colin McEnroe
It has become commonplace to read in our newpapers of a crime somehwere
in America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude.
Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked cost of
our current national crisis in education. The basic learning skills of
criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree.
Consider the following:
o ITEM. A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following
note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your
but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or
I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too."
Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such
notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor
pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling
and clarity," he moaned.
Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if
criminals could be taught to plan before writing.
"We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note
before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked
on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."
o ITEM. In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke
sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen
holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact,
bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China.
This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They
responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper.
Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture.
When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted
that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's
house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine.
They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They
later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle
involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just
some kind of tradition," said one.
Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and
comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to
complete work in the time allotted.
o ITEM. Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe
using a Lazer Tag gun.
o ITEM. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta,
Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having
forgotten it was their only means of escape.
o ITEM. Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard
dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after
having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the
premises.
"No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays and
relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J. Paine
Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality. "We are talking
plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys."
By contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points higher
than their American counterparts in basic skills tests.
In the Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to execute
a thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime.
Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total overhaul of
the educational system. "For all their acumen," he says, "Japanese
criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre you see in our
guys."
------------------------------
From: henry@galvia.enet.dec.com
Subject: Happy Hooters
Heard this at the weekend:
Q. Who's got long blonde hair and big tits, and lives in Melbourne, Australia?
A. Salman Rushdie.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 93 10:44:36 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Harlan Ellison
To: eniac
Caught the tail end of an opinion piece on the Sci-Fi channel last
night in which Harlan Ellison was railing against PC bulletin boards
and how the people who use them really need to get a life:
"If you have nothing better to do at 3am than sit in front of your PC, I
suggest you find a direct lineal descendent of Jeffrey Dahmer and let
him eat your face."
A message for our times, eh what?
[I wonder what Harlan would say about people playing with iron filings
in their food? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 93 19:30:03 EST
From: matt.johnson@cutting.hou.tx.us (Matt Johnson)
Subject: I hope she was worth it!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Saw this in the paper recently:
MAN CUTS OFF BODY PARTS AFTER ROW
PERTH, Australia, (Reuter News Service) :
A Perth man cut off his ears, penis and testicles in a fit of rage
after arguing with a woman and has refused to have then re-attached,
police said yesterday.
The 32-year-old man severed the organs with a kitchen knife at his
suburban home after an argument with a woman late Wednsday. Police
said the man placed the organs in a freezer and drove himself seven
kilometers (five miles) to a hospital. Hospital staff would not
comment but a police spokesman said the man had rejected attempts
to sew the organs back on.
The spokesman said police had investigated but would not take action
because there was no apparent breach of the law.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 93 4:30:02 EST
From: tex@eastern.com (Terence M. Dulay)
Subject: Letters of "Recommendation"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the Chronically Absent:
"A man like him is hard to find"
"It seemed her career was just taking off"
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here"
"We generally found him loaded with work to do"
For an employee with no ambition
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had
to put in"
A stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him"
A dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving"
"He's an unbelieveable worker"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1993 11:58:55 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: Life's Little Mysteries
To: eniac
I was standing at the washing machine, waiting for it to fill with water
so I could add some bleach, when this statement on the bottle caught my
eye: "It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner
inconsistent with its labeling."
"Inconsistent," that's an *interesting* word.
Intrigued, I read the entire label, trying to figure out which
instruction, if not followed properly, could lead to Federal indictment.
-Sort laundry by color?
-Add bleach and detergent with the wash water before the laundry is put in?
-Flush toilet before putting bleach in the bowl?
-Do not use or mix with other household cleansers?
-Store Clorox bleach in a cool, dry place?
What if I store it in a warm, wet place? Will the Feds come a-knockin' at
my door?
There are lots and LOTS of uses "inconsistent with its labeling": adding
it to the soup, for instance. Putting a dab behind each ear before a
date. Filling your fountain pen with it. Are these Federal offenses?
Common sense tells me that it's a warning not to use it to try and
murder someone, but murder, the last I heard, was a criminal offense, not
Federal.
WHAT FEDERAL LAW COVERS IMPROPER USE OF HOUSEHOLD BLEACH?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1993 20:35:40 -0700
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: lurking in misc.legal (and from MIT no less)
To: spaf
>Subject: Re: legal opinion...
In article <1nahvhINNe9k@senator-bedfellow.MIT.EDU>
wdstarr@athena.mit.edu (William December Starr) wrote in part:
[ text of article deleted as irrelevant ]
=> We first examine the first branch of the easement criteria, the open,
=> visible, and adverse requirements for a prescriptive easement. We have
=> no trouble concluding that the County's use of the glide paths was open
=> and visible. Aircraft regularly passing overhead during their landings
=> and takeoffs are hard to miss. And defendants have offered no evidence
=> that any Stealth fighters operated on runway 11/29 or that any of the
=> aircraft used the infamous Romulan cloaking device.
=>
=> -- _County of Westchester v. Town of Greenwich, Conn., et al_,
=> 793 F. Supp. 1195, 1207-8 (S.D.N.Y.) 1992. Opinion by U.S.
=> District Judge Gerard L. Goettel.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1993 20:33:30 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: NEWS: joke
To: spaf
* From: khayyata@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Michael Khayyata)
Three plastic surgeons are talking about some of their
memorable operations.
Dr. 1: I had a guy come into my office one time who's arm looked just
like a pretzel. I did some work on him and he now pitches in the
major leagues.
Dr. 2; That's nothing. I had a guy come into my office one time who's
legs were cut off. I fixed him up and he now runs the Boston
marathon every year.
Dr. 3; I've got you both topped. I had a guy who fell into a sheet metal
machine brought into my office one time. I performed a miracle on him.
all that was left of him was an asshole and a red sweater and he now
coaches basketball at Indiana University.
[If Charlie keeps sending us jokes like this, we'll have to make
him an honorary Boilermaker! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1993 23:09:12 GMT
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: News Item #1
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
MANHATTAN (UPI) - FBI agents report the arrest of Salaama "Duh, can I have
my deposit back" Mohammed early Thursday. Three part miniseries airs
starting monday on ABC, with NBC and CBS following up later in the week.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1993 09:13:14 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@well.sf.ca.us>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
A New York judge ruled in January that former state government accountant
Julio Cruz deserved unemployement compensation benefits even though he
left work voluntarily. Cruz gave up a $52,000 salary to move to Florida,
citing his disgust with street crime in New York City. He had been mugged
three times recently; his wife, once.
--
Eric F. Murillo, charged with fatally shooting his fourth wife, called it an
accident. Murillo received probation for the accidental shooting death of
his first wife 21 years ago. Wife No. 2 supposedly committed suicide. Wife
No. 3 divorced Murillo after he put a loaded .357 Magnum in her mouth and
threatened to kill her. Murillo admitted the circumstances "look terribly"
but said he was just unlucky.
--
Richard Usher Jr., was arrested in Decatur, Ga., in June for bigamy when his
wife (Evelyn Deloris) found out, via an insurance payoff, that another Mrs.
Richard Usher Jr. (Evelyn Nelms, whom he had married in 1985) had passed away.
Bolton told a detective he "did not remember marrying Evelyn Nelms."
--
In San Diego, Mark Howard Larsen, 31, was ordered to trial in the October
theft and burning of a 5,000-Barbie doll collection. And in Sandusky, Ohio,
an 8-month-long series of Barbie vandalisms in three department stores
continued in January without an arrest. More than two dozen Barbies in each
store had been slashed in their private parts.
--
Cleveland, Ohio, police captured a man on Dec. 31 who they say car-jacked a
van at gunpoint from Clinton Clark, who had been sitting in it. Clark
immediately reported the theft to police. After recovering the van and
checking the vehicle identification, police also arrested Clark, charging him
with theft of the van in the first place from a neighborhood support center.
--
Vancouver, B.C., judge Jerme Paradis found David Alexander guilty of sexual
assault but not guilrt of the attempted murder of a 53-year-old woman who
had survived the Auschwitz concentration camp as a child. Wrote Paradis, "I
cannot conclude that the placing of the wire around the neck of the victim
and/or ... plastic bag over her head are sufficient to establish a specific
intent to kill."
--
Wesley Nunley, 73, pronounced the $10,000 concrete slab he built on his
property near Dallas open for business as "UFO Landing Base 1." He said
it has been a dream of his "for decades" to have aliens land on his property.
The landing pad is located in a quarry and is surrounded by mud much of
the year.
--
Former Quik Trip convenience store employee Mark Douglas, 32, was arrested
for robbing a store in Overland Park, Kan. The robber wore a cap. When
police asked Douglas whether he had such a cap, he said no. The girlfriend
said, "Yes, you do. It's in the closet."
--
Part-time security guard Bob Huggins, 86, learned that his share of the
Gaston Gazette's pension plan is nearly $1 million. Huggins began working
at production jobs in 1926 and became a guard in 1974. He had never earned
more than $8,000 in a year, and the company had no pension plan until 1989.
Huggins' award is so large because the 1989 plan was poorly designed and
because Huggins outlived all others in his employee category.
--
A California appeals court decided in December to transfer a divorce case away
from Orange County judge Ragnar Engebretsen because of a comment the judge
had made when interpreting a prenuptial contract. Engebretsen, certain the
husband would not have married his wife without the contract and noting that
the couple had been living together before the marriage, asked rhetorically,
"Why, in heaven's name, do you buy the cow (i.e., get married) when you get
the milk free (i.e., by living together)?"
--
In December, the Indiana Supreme Court found court report Judith Hatfield in
contempt, sentencing her to seven days in jail and a $500 fine, for taking so
long to transcribe a case it wanted to decide.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Mar 1993 09:27:07 -0500
From: yodaiken@chelm.cs.umass.edu (victor yodaiken)
Subject: Semi-funky president
To: eniac
from the Sunday NYTimes
"This is an expressive land that produced CNN and MTV," Mr. Clinton said.
"We were all born for the information age. This is a jazzy nation,
thank goodness, for my sake, that created be-bop and hip-hop and all those
other things. We are wired for real time."
[I don't have any idea what this means, but I agree, enthusiastically. -victor]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 05 Mar 93 16:32:10 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: snicker...
To: bob
This line was too good not to share... :-)
>From jrs:
"It's been so long, it's no longer dating. It's carbon dating."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 93 13:51:36 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: so we all understand
To: spaf (Yucks List)
In this month's "Devil's Advocate" (Stan kelly-Bootle, _Unix Review_):
X Windows, n. A system for displaying
pixels along the x-axis using xlib calls.
Two-dimensional displays require the
addition of ylib.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 93 19:19:16 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: Spy
To: eniac
>From the March, 1993 issue of Spy:
Before sex-scandal-tainted senator Brock Adams left office, one of his aides
was instructed to write a tribute to a Seattle community leader and insert
it in The Congressional Record. The salute to the erstwhile ally, who had
deserted Adams lst summer during his time of trouble, began, "Family and
friends of Robert J. Block will next week observe [his] 70th birthday. Under
normal circumstances, [this] might pass without significant public attention,
but Bob Block deserves special recognition." The tribute droned on, "Calling
upon a range of interests....Knuckling under has never been....Years ago,
Robert....Over the years, Bob....Unflaggng devotion to....Recalling his many
years, I....Observice the polluted shoreline of the lake....Before long, Lake
Washington has....Every citizen....Remembering his roots....Thank you, Bob
Block." Straightforward enough, until one splits off the first letter of
each sentence, and true feelings are revealed.
------------------------------
Date: 24 Feb 1993 16:36:48 GMT
From: schwartz@ces.cwru.edu (David G. Schwartz)
Subject: Switching Long Distance Companies
Newsgroups: misc.consumers
So I get this offer in the mail -
"Switch to Sprint and get $35 credit on your next phone bill"
I figure, "Why not? $35 is good money for a phone call."
So I call Sprint and make the switch.
Two weeks later I get an offer from AT&T -
"We want you back - switch and get $25 credit"
Thinking, "Sure, why not", I put the offer aside, but forget to follow up.
A week later a $75 check arrives from AT&T -
"Endorse and cash this check, and we switch you back" Can't
argue with that. So I cash it and we're back with AT&T.
Another two weeks pass and I get a call from Sprint -
Sprint Lady: "We want you back at Sprint"
Me: "What incentive are you offering"
Sprint Lady: "Better service and prices than AT&T"
Me: "But AT&T just paid me $75"
Sprint Lady: "I can't give you any money, but listen,
SWITCH BACK TO SPRINT NOW AND THEN AT&T WILL SEND YOU
ANOTHER $75 - THEN GO BACK TO AT&T! WE'RE HAPPY TO
HAVE AT&T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON YOU."
Really, that's what she said. I gave her full points for creative
marketing and agreed to go back to Sprint.
Sure enough, yesterday a check arrives from AT&T - but only for $25.
Then that night I get a "please switch back" call from AT&T.
Me: "I got your $25 check today - what's the best you can offer me?"
AT&T Guy: "The screen says I can offer $75"
Me: "Make it a hundred and you've got a deal"
AT$T Guy: "I can't go over $75, but I'll tell you what -
GO AHEAD AND CASH THE $25 CHECK ANYWAY AND I'LL ALSO
SEND YOU $75 IN CREDIT CERTIFICATES"
Really, that's what he said. So, you guessed it, we're back with
AT&T.
So I'm thinking, this is a great business. Why not install a few
dozen phone lines and earn a living just swapping long distance
carriers? On average I could probably net $50 per line per month.
But why stop there? How about starting a company that handles long
distance company switching for the public? I could sign people up
giving me discretion of which LD company to use, and take 20% of the
incentive fee, passing 80% back to the consumer. Of course, then some
enterprising soul will start a competing company and offer my
switchers an incentive to switch to his switching company ...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 93 08:40:19 PST
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: This is probably taking reusable software a bit far...
To: spaf
This disturbing message found in comp.ai.fuzzy:
---
H.Sari@lut.ac.uk (H Sari) writes:
>Hi ,
>I am looking for information about nuclear reactor power control using
>the FUZZY logic. Is there anybody working on this topic and any kind of
>public domain software.
---
Yes, well, the home-brew nuclear reactor business is a bit sluggish here in
the States. Maybe an Excel macro could do the job?
Selections from TOP 10 DISADVANTAGES OF WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE:
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on
particle physics
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action
figures
-- Late Night with David Letterma
------------------------------
Date: 10 Mar 1993 22:45:45 GMT
From: ljm6@po.CWRU.Edu (Laura J. Moyer)
Subject: Todd
Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers
To: news-announce-newusers@uunet.UU.NET
Hey Todd! Guess what? Laura finally figured out how to get into FreeNet!
You're probably not going to get this message, since i'm leaving it on "our"
thingy. This is all completely weird. If you do get this, can you pleaseme a call @ 754-1355? I want to talk to you about college. Bye!
[Guess what Laura? You *still* haven't got it figured out! I get the
most amazing mail as moderator of this newsgroup...usually from new
users trying to master both the shift key and an editor. -spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 93 12:20:03 EST
From: scotty@verdix.com
Subject: Top 10 Plans for ATF in Waco
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Top Ten Recommendations for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and
Firearms surrounding Koresh's commune in Waco, Texas:
10. Dig a deep pit, fill with water, stock with gators; ask Koresh to "come
on out and show us that walking thing again"
9. Disguise a smart missile as a CNN mini-cam & send 'er in
8. Have ATF agents begin assembling wooden crosses in view of compound
7. "Hey! Your pals Barrabus and Judas have stopped in! Party time!"
6. Have the US Air Force drop a relief shipment of Jack-in-the-Box catering
to them
5. Woo children out for big hug by dressing ATF agents in "Barney the
Dinosaur" costumes
4. Threaten to disconnect CNN uplink, interrupting flow of live interviews
to satellite network
3. Tell Koresh he has a conference call with Oral Roberts and God waiting
on the outside line
2. Provide Koresh with a love offering of a GM pickup "souped up" just for
him by Dateline NBC
...and finally...
1. Offer Muslim Extremists refund of van-rental security deposit for
providing their own special skills
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 93 13:58:49 -0500
From: Marc G. Frank <mgfrank@avernus.com>
Subject: You need this catalog
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Need a desktop Tesla coil? Plasma globe? Sonic pain field generator?
CO2 laser? Bugs or parabolic mike? Sure you do! And the place to get
it is
Information Unlimited
PO Box 716
Amherst, NH 03031
This way-cool catalog is free. Most items are available assembled, in
kits, or just as plans.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 93 0:53:21
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: your mail
To: spaf
By the way, here's a GROSS joke I heard. If you use it, don't use my
name:
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast
infection?
An itchy-twitchy twat.
If you use my name with this, I'll kill you.
[such a temptation....
I didn't think this was funny, but my test panel of 3 women thought
it was funny, if a bit disgusting. So it goes.
--spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------