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Yucks Digest V3 #7
Yucks Digest Fri, 26 Feb 93 Volume 3 : Issue 7
Today's Topics:
15 Feb 93 God's Promise in Psalm 146:8
A new computer story...
Cat scratch fever in the White House
Clinton's Dinner in Los Gatos, CA
Extremes
Funny Headlines for Yucks
High Tech Religion
His Massive Success Is Only One Of The Mysteries
Hotlines in Nepal - Literally
HUMOR: Grammatically correct C declarations. Cute.
I thought we were at war with Persia
Jack be nimble...
just like a person
just when you think you've seen it all...
Melted animals?
New Health-Related Profession
NOTW, and make that a double
slight re-buttle regarding Clinton
tainted beef
well, i'll be a son of a bitch
What'd he say?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1993 22:47:11 GMT
From: jmiller@yuma.acns.colostate.edu.edu (Jeff Miller)
Subject: 15 Feb 93 God's Promise in Psalm 146:8
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
: > Psalm 146:8
IDE 1:1 here... you might want to look into changing your interleave, as
you'll get much better performance.
[Well, I thought it was funny. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 4:30:03 EST
From: schunix!sonix@transfer.stratus.com (Duane Morin)
Subject: A new computer story...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Working in a software store, we tend to see just about every incarnation of
silly user stories that you could imagine. Well, we decided that this one
was our favorite:
A customer, a somewhat middle aged lady I'd suppose, has been
browsing for awhile, picking up assorted packages, reading the backs, and
putting them down. I assume she's looking for a gift, so I figure when she
sees something that tickles her fancy she'll ask me for my opinion or
something, so I let her browse. A little while later, she brings a package
or two up to the register. "All set?" I ask, waiting to throw in a sales
pitch or something about the games she's picked out.
"I think so, yes." she answers. "Now, do you need a *computer* to
work these?"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 93 12:20:02 EST
From: re4@prism.gatech.edu (RUSSELL EARNEST)
Subject: Cat scratch fever in the White House
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived
at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend.
Acording to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming familar with the
new surroundings. There was that one embarassing moment though when Socks, as
cats will do, began scratching a post. Unfortunately, it was Vice President
Al Gore."
Cut to traffic.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 93 9:24:37 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Clinton's Dinner in Los Gatos, CA
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
This courtesy of Dave Petren, Sun Microsystems:
The Big Dinner in Los Gatos:
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire
Entourage were finally served.
John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a
small bowl of Apple sauce.
Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken.
Al Gore had Quail.... Of course.
When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of
Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered
the Pork Chops!!"
The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said respectfully,
"Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you requested
the Prime Rib."
Bill Replied, "I never said that..."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1993 21:29:30 GMT
From: ilana@kiowa.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana)
Subject: Extremes
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
It got down to -9 last night; that's -9 in degrees F, where mere freezing
weather is a lofty 32 degrees, so you know -9 is really something. Nine
below with fine powdery snow gently falling. I walked down the street
scrunching the snow (too powdery to make a snowball) beneath my boots,
watching my breath form little clouds.
I keep my hot tub at 106 in the winter; that's one-half of the boiling
point of water, two degrees more than most hot tubs. Two degrees doesn't
sound like much, but when you get up to 106, every degree counts. 107 is
tolerable, but not enjoyable. 108 is painful, 109 impossible. I have to
get into the tub slowly, when it's filled with 106-degree water, and not
move around too much at first.
It's cold in just my bathrobe and sandals, and the soft snow feels like
needles on the tops of my feet. I undo the tub cover and get in, slowly.
My skin heats to 106 degrees. I pull myself up to the side and launch
myself (before I can think about the cold, about -9, about 32, about 106)
into the snow. It's like needles, like rain.
The second immersion is even better than the first; my whole body tingles.
I stay as long as I can stand it, bringing my skin back to 106 degrees.
When I get out, I dry myself quickly; even air which is only -9 degrees
has a hard time cooling dry hot skin. I wear only my sandals back to
the house, and do a little dance in the still-falling snow before going
inside.
At South Pole Station, in Antarctica, there's a sauna. There's an
organization, of sorts, called the 300 club. To join, you must wait for
a night where the temperature falls to -100 degrees. The sauna's heated
to 200 degrees. If you sit in the sauna naked, and then run outside and
have your picture taken by the South Pole sign, you're a member of the
300 club. Even air which is only -100 degrees has a hard time cooling
dry hot skin.
[I can't wait to hear about what rituals develop once (if) we ever have
manned expeditions to the outer planets. "Even liquid nitrogen has a
hard time cooling hot, dry skin!" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1993 12:14:14 -0500
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: Funny Headlines for Yucks
To: spaf
These appeared in the Jan./Feb. '93 issue of Washington
Journalism Review. Enjoy!
Quote of the Month
"I never thought about selling my kids. I've thought about
killing them, choking them -- everything. But I never thought
about selling them."
-- Felicia Thomas, the neighbor of a couple accused of trying
to sell their children, quoted in Newsday
Behind Closed Doors
Congressman ends up whipping boy
(The Daily Times, Farmington, New Mexico)
Organist really knows his instrument
(St. Louis Post-Dispatch)
Packwood's pickle traced to Anita Hill
(Grants Pass, Oregon, Daily Courier)
Winning Headline
It's Unanimous -- Bowe Knows Boxing
(New York Times)
Taste and Sensitivity Award
Russians hurt by McBomb
(Neosho, Missouri, Daily News, about a bomb
that exploded at a Moscow McDonald's)
Another Conspiracy Theory
From the Citrus County Chronicle in Inverness, Florida,
the day after the paper printed an improperly exposed
photo of local political candidate Bob Licata:
"Licata...demanded a correction by publication of a
photo that, he said, ccurately depicts my race as a
white person' to ffset any prejudice which could
result in lost votes....' Licata...questioned whether
it was an attempt [by the Chronicle] to inflame
racial prejudice in his candidacy. Editor Jim Hunter
said...Licata's inference was ludicrous."
Correction of the Month
From the Dubois, Wyoming, Frontier:
"A number of people have said the news story in last
week's issue about changes in the sewer rate structure...
was far from clear. Editor Norma Williamson was attempting to
recover from a virus and concedes that she was not functioning
at her best. We'll try again...."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Feb 93 17:31:16 CST
From: Miles O'Neal <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: High Tech Religion
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Long Distance..Is the next best thing to praying there
Newsgroup: comp.risks
[This was quoted in comp.risks, then commented on by PGN, below. --spaf]
>From the {Washington City Paper} of Feb 19-25, page 18:
News of the Weird by Chuck Shepard:
In January, Israel's national telephone company initiated a fax service that
transmits messages to God via the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. In May, the
Roman Catholic Church will unveil a high-tech confessional at a trade show
in Vincenza, Italy, that will accept confessions by fax. And in December, a
sect of Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn, NY began selling its members special
beepers so they will know instantly when the Messiah arrives on earth."
And there is precedent for a response, I guess:
"Your Majesty, I have a message from God for you." - Judges 3:20
Paul Robinson -- TDARCOS@MCIMAIL.COM
[Hopefully, the Messiah will not arrive on the Sabbath, although there
might be a question as to whether the beeper is actually being USED as
long as it does NOT trigger. Confessions by EMail should be easy
to set up. L.A. has long had drive-through churches; I suppose services
via on-line interactive multimedia X-window conferencing cannot be
far behind. But watch out for a hi-tech Allah McGordo bombshell in virtual
reality.
PGN]
------------------------------
Date: 19 Feb 1993 00:14:15 -0600 (CST)
From: Scotto <MOORE7004@iscsvax.uni.edu>
Subject: His Massive Success Is Only One Of The Mysteries
To: SUBGENIUS@mc.lcs.mit.edu
[ from Subgenius Digest Fri, 19 Feb 93 Volume 4 : Issue 28 ]
>From "Request" magazine, March 1993:
MIRACLE MAN
His Massive Success Is Only One Of The Mysteries Surrounding
Billy Ray Cyrus
Last December, USA Today reported that an 18-month-old Tennessee girl with
cerebral palsy took her first steps after watching Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy
Breaky Heart" video. Miraculous though it may seem, since doctors said she
would never walk, the event was only one marvel among many inspired by the
singer and the song that became the unexpected sensations of 1992.
*In September, Lottie Thrum of American Samoa was pronounced dead-on-arrival at
Pago Pago General Hospital. She was revived, however, and claimed to have had
an out-of-body experience. She was traveling down a tunnel toward a bright
white light, she says, but was drawn back into her body when she realized that,
in her incorporeal stae, she "would no longer be able to do the achy-breaky."
*In August, Mary Cousins of Batesville, Arkansas, inserted a $5 bill in the
jukebox at Ed's Free Nuts Tavern and played "Achy Breaky Heart" 20 times in a
row. After the 15th play, a ferocious wind blew through the place, shattering
the windows, mirrors, and light fixtures, driving the bar's patrons under their
tables. Even more macabre, the walls began to bleed a substance later
determined to be mayonnaise.
*In May of 1991, months before Cyrus recorded his landmark hit, a meteorite
bearing an eerie resemblance to the singer was found just outside of Minsk,
Belorussia.
*In October, at the Fajita Hut in Brownsville, Texas ("Where the elite meet and
eat fajitas"), the achy-breaky hunk's granite-chiseled visage reportedly
appeared in a bowl of refried beans. The event could not be verified, however,
since the beans were immediately consumed by Cyrus fan Nettie Grosvenor, who
was disappointed to report that the dish was hot and spicy, but left a terrible
aftertaste.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 04:06:44 -0500
From: Dave.Leibold@f730.n250.z1.FIDONET.ORG (Dave Leibold)
Subject: Hotlines in Nepal - Literally
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
The Independent News Service, by way of {The Toronto Star}, reports of
warnings in Nepal regarding connections made between the telephone
system and power lines. The Nepal Telecommunications Corportation
refers to the incidents as accidental; meanwhile the telco issued
bulletins that phones with prolonged ringing are not to be picked up
lest it be on the receiving end of 600 volts.
At least one Katmandu resident was killed by the crossed connections
with other reports of telephones burning up and at least one fax
machine melted "to the consistency of yak butter".
[Patrick Tufts noted that this is not nearly as bad as trying to
butter a yak... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 93 9:55:28 CST
From: peter@ficc.ferranti.com (Peter da Silva)
Subject: HUMOR: Grammatically correct C declarations. Cute.
To: eniac
> auto accident;
> [...etc...]
> double trouble;
union organizer;
float valve;
short pants;
union station;
struct dumb by[sizeof member];
void check; unsigned check;
------------------------------
Date: 23 Feb 93 00:30:03 GMT
From: filippi1@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: I thought we were at war with Persia
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following advertisement appeared in the Friday, November 22, 1992
issue of the Harvard Crimson:
TOP TEN SCARIEST PEOPLE ON EARTH
10. Prune-eating Sumo wrestler.
9. High-rise window cleaner with bladder problem.
8. Near sighted knife juggler.
7. Megalomaniac Third World Dictator.
6. Grown men named "Biff."
5. Heavily armed hot dog vendors.
4. Carsick brother in the seat next to you.
3. Brain surgeon with hiccups.
2. Anyone with a cranky disposition and a chainsaw.
1. People who offer you rugs.
PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREE AMERICA
The misprint was rectified in the next day's paper.
[Maybe it wasn't a misprint. I happen to think that Sy Sperling, the
president of Hair Club for Men (a client as well as owner) is a pretty
scary guy. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 24 Feb 93 17:20:02 GMT
From: addison@pollux.usc.edu (Richard Addison)
Subject: Jack be nimble...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[A friend of mine made this up while we walking to a subway station
on Los Angeles' new Red Line:]
Did you here that Jack-In-The-Box hired a new spokesman?
Yeah, Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 22:15:05 -0800
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: just like a person
To: eniac
from the 12/7/2 issue of time magazine:
The drama department of Manhattan's ritzy Dalton School is so poli-
tically correct that a recent production of Bertolt Brecht's The
Good Woman of Sichuan (the story of a young woman who disguises her-
self as a man) was titled The Good Person of Sichuan. Watch for
other revisions in these hypersensitive times:
Theater
Death of a Salesperson
Two People of Verona
Person and Superperson
The Person of La Mancha
Film
The Person Vanishes
Pretty Person
White People Can't Jump
Single White Person
The Quiet Person
Music
Bess, You is My Person Now
The Person is a Tramp
No Person, No Cry
People Just Want to Have Fun
Big People Don't Cry
Black Magic Person
Literature
The Highwayperson
The Senior Person and the Sea
Our Person in Havanna
Of Mice and People
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 17:59:31 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: just when you think you've seen it all...
To: spaf
i joined six friends for an evening of beer and dancing at Cowboys, a
country bar in Indianapolis. In the men's room (well we WERE drinking
beer) was a machine dispensing
Generic Condoms
for
Cheap Fuckers
[Ah, that Hoosier humor again... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Feb 93 08:45:35 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Melted animals?
To: yucks
[If you haven't had lunch yet, or have too vivid an imagination, you
may wish to skip this one. --spaf]
[From Alt.Tasteless (refer to NetNews for sources, etc.) JW]
(Daniel Steven Reinker) writes:
>Anyone have the story about the cooling unit going out at a zoo
>morgue and everything being reduced to decaying slop? I tried to
>nominate it for Best Nonfiction, but unfortunately did not have
>a copy of the article.
Happy to oblige. This was originally posted
by Art Mellor, for a friend.
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: My most particularly foul experience
Summary: it was bad
[I am not a regular on alt.tasteless (though I'm often mistaken for one in
casual conversation :-), so forgive me for any violations of tasteless
etiquette. My friend Art Mellor (art@cayman.com) is familiar with this story
and lobbied heavily for its posting. If you know his stories, maybe that
will give you hope for this one... PHS]
My brother Mike is the veteranarian of the Washington Park Zoo in
Portland, OR. He's 17 years older than me, and as a kid I spent some
summers out there with him and his wife. It was great for me. I got
to ride an elephant, pet a full-grown tiger, and assist at various cool
operations and procedures. I particularly remember being a
"scrub-nurse" for the spaying of a lioness. I was gowned and
sterilized, the whole bit. My job was to hold her hind legs open.
They don't make stirrups for lionesses...
This operation took place in the Research Center, the building where my
brother's office is. In addition to the operating room, it houses
several treatment rooms with cages for sick and recuperating animals,
the offices of the resident researchers, and the rooms full of their
equipment and experimental setups (this included a room full of white
mice in cages with its own special smell). The Research Center is a
fairly new building, built out on big concrete pillars from a hill
overlooking the zoo. It is surrounded by trees, and there is a nice
cedar-chip covered path that runs past it up the hill from the zoo.
The Research Center also houses the "morgue." This last is the
refrigerated room where my brother keeps the remains of animals which
die at the zoo. For, despite his best efforts, some animals inevitably
succumb to disease and old age. Rather than just throw their bodies
away, he saves them in the morgue. Then, when he has to perform an
operation on an animal, he can practice on a previously deceased
specimen first. This lets him do a better job.
The lioness came through the operation with flying colors. We bedded
her down in a large cage in one of the rooms, and let her keeper know
to keep an eye on her that weekend. It was the 4th of July, three-day
weekend, and we were going camping up in the Cascades, so my brother
wouldn't be around to watch her recover. It was OK, though, because
the keeper was a good guy, and could be relied on, so we headed out
without concern.
The weekend was beautiful, but *hot*. It was around 100F every day,
and we were happy to be in the shade in the woods. We drove back to
Portland Monday night with the windows all rolled down, but it was
still hot in the car.
Tuesday morning dawned as hot as the ones before, and my brother, his
wife (who shared his office as the zoo's dietician) and I rolled in
around 8:30. The keeper who had been watching over the lioness walked
up from the zoo soon after. But he wasn't interested in BSing with us
about the trout fishing. Instead, he said "Mike, the Research Center
is bleeding." My brother said "What???", but the look on his face
showed he already suspected. We four ran out and down the path.
Looking up at the concrete underside of the building we could see that,
sure enough, blood had stained the intersection of two of the huge
slabs that made up the bottom of it, and it was dripping in a thick and
gooey stream down onto the ground next to the path.
My brother said "Jesus H. Christ!" and ran back up the path. When I
caught up with him, he was at the outside door of the morgue, with his
hand on the latch. As he put his other hand on the door to get
leverage for lifting it, he swore and jumped back. The door was so hot
that he had almost burned himself on it. That was bad.
The weird thing was, we could hear the refrigerator compressor chugging
away. The answer had to be that somehow the freon had leaked out. So
instead of cooling the room, the big electric motor had actually been
electrically *heating* it all weekend. That was very bad.
My brother looked at his wife and I, and said "We better get boots,
coats and gloves..." which we did. At this point, the keeper (who
really is a good guy) volunteered to go get a zoo garbage truck. He
figured that whatever was left in the morgue was going to need to be
disposed of immediately. So he left.
I had a half-formed expectation of finding a bunch of half-rotted
carcasses when we opened that door, but the reality was *much* worse.
We three stood on the loading dock outside of the door, and when my
brother opened it, a *flood* of fluid gushed out over us, more than
ankle high. It just missed washing over the tops of my rubber boots.
And the stench! *U*N*B*E*L*I*E*V*A*B*L*E* Take the smell of a
stockyard, add any rotting food you have ever come across, throw in old
pus, gangrenous wounds, sweaty feet, and mold. Now multiply that by a
1000, and you have some idea.
But not good enough. My brother, who inserts his arm up elephant
rectums for a living, and who is the least squeamish person I know, had
to lean over the loading dock railing while he controlled his
retching. I had a few dry heaves, and his wife just turned around and
walked away. (I don't know what she did, because I was concentrating
on keeping my jaws locked while breathing through my mouth - try it,
it's not easy.)
After a bit, most of the decoposition gasses had escaped, and I was
able to spare some attention from my stomach to see that there was
still 6-inches of fluid on the floor of the morgue, restrained by the
doorsill. And, more amazingly, there were *no* carcasses. None. Only
anonymous gobbets, floating in this steaming soup. The thermometer
inside was pegged at 120F.
Apparently, all the dead animals had been stewing in a sea of disease
and decompostiton bacteria and fungi for 3 days. As my brother stepped
carefully over the sill, something squished under his boot. He knelt
_slowly_, and stuck a rubber-gloved hand under the surface. When he
lifted, the whole surface of the soup shifted - he had ahold of
something big. When it came up, we saw that it was the skin - skin
only - of a baby elephant. It was the only recognizable animal part in
the entire room. But think of it - the organs were gone, the hair was
gone - the bones were gone!
We took turns scooping gobbets into buckets with our hands. In the
process, I realized that many of them weren't decomposed former animal
bits, as I expected, but were clumps of fungus, mold or bacteria. Have
you ever seen so many bacteria in one place that you could scoop up a
handful? I have.
These could well have been dangerous; a lot of the diseases that get
the animals like humans too. We were careful, believe me.
None of us could stand the heat and smell for more than a minute or two
at a time, so we rotated frequently. The keeper, who didn't *have* to
help us, donned gloves himself and emptied the buckets into the garbage
truck. Mike and I grabbed the elephant skin, which was encrusted with
nameless mounds of *things*, and carried it out and heaved it into the
truck ourselves.
After the gobbets, we bailed the soup into the buckets. This was worst
of all, because it stirred up fresh bursts of gas. The stench made my
eyes water, which didn't help my balance any. After about 40 minutes
of this, all that was left was a coating of slime on the walls, floor
and ceiling. I've wondered about the ceiling. I have this mental
picture of bloated corpses straining their skin, and then bursting like
great, rotten flesh ballons. And you know, the elephant skin was flat,
yet my brother certainly hadn't skinned the carcass. Picture it -
*SPLOOGE* - rotten elephant everywhere.
Mike hosed the slime out onto the loading dock, and then hosed it into
the grass next to the building (away from the path!). We then took
turns hosing each other off, and the keeper drove the truck away. I
have no idea where that goop ended up. We just went inside and sat,
stupefied.
The keeper came by later and picked up the lioness - she was fine.
------------------------------
Date: 24 Feb 93 16:00:15 GMT
From: fulk@cs.rochester.edu (Mark Fulk)
Subject: New Health-Related Profession
Newsgroups: sci.med
Recent discussions on sci.med, particulary WRT pertussis, have led to
serious consideration of the potential need for specialists in dealing
with the difficulties revealed. Therefore, we recommend the creation
of a certifying body for the following specialty:
CLINICAL DEMOLITION
In emergency neurosurgery, for example, for aneurysms, the cranial
characteristics of some patients may inhibit timely access to the
site of the lesion. Specialists in clinical demolition would have
training and practice in the application of new medical agents, such
as mercury fulminate, trinitrotoluene, and various mixtures of carbon
and sulfur, to extra-osseous crania, thus assuring, in many cases,
more rapid access and a better end-result in aneurysm surgery.
Such procedures may also be of use in closed-head injury; it has
been noted that the best candidates for this method, for example the
famous patient HR, never seem to suffer cranial fractures.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Feb 93 12:56:52 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW, and make that a double
To: eniac
On Nov. 18, a man wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled tightly over
his head and a mask covering all but his eyes pounded on the front door
of Security Federal Savings Bank in Durham, N.C., scaring employees
inside. After several loud attempts to push open the door, which is a
"pull" door, he fled. Durham police say precisely the same thing happened
at another bank on Oct. 22.
--
Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December
that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with
her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the
passenger door from inside, she sped away.
--
A state appeals court in Santa Ana upheld a lower court by granting Sheryle
Ulyate an increase in child support payments from her ex-husband for their
15-year-old daughter, from $2,000 a month to $6,000 a month. Ulyate said
the girl's monthly expenses included $2,000 for clothing, $300 for jewelry,
and $1,600 for entertainment, and she asked for $15,000 a month. The
ex-husband made a fortune selling mini-blinds.
--
In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder
to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing
was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in
the same room.
--
Police in Key West, Fla., were called to a house in September to quell a
loud argument in which a 28-year-old woman was accusing her female friend,
29, of attempting to steal her "strap-on deluxe model" vibrator, which she
said was valued at $90.
--
Antonio Castro Jr., 45, and his wife pleaded guilty to defrauding the
supermarket tabloids the Globe, the Star and the National Enquirer by
selling them 547 phony tips on celebrity gossip over a four-year period.
--
A 40-year-old man in Taylor, Mich., dropped dead of a heart attack minutes
after bowling his first-ever perfect "300" game (12 strikes in a row).
--
The Washington Post reported in October that the government of India has
specially bred 60-pound snapping turtles to reduce pollution in the holy
Ganges River. Devout Hindus believe that the river will cause rebirth and
eternal salvation to one's ashes, but some Hindu families cannot afford
enough firewood for a total cremation and thus burn as much as they can before
throwing the corpse into the river. The turtles eat the possibly hundreds
of partially cremated bodies.
--
A University of Pennsylvania archaeological chemist and two colleagues,
writing in the journal Nature in November, reported finding the residue
of beer in jars in Iran and Iraq that are more than 5,000 years old.
--
Researchers at Auburn State University and Wayne State University surveyed
49 metropolitan areas and found that the more country and western radio
music, the higher the suicide rate.
--
Recent prices for the Kremlovka hospital in Moscow (formerly the main
facility for members of the Politburo and the Supreme Soviet): the equivalent
of $2 a day for a room, $100 for a gall bladder operation, 15 cents per
tooth for dental fillings.
--
The New York Board of Regents overruled the state health commissioner and
declined to revoke the license of dermatologist Stephen Kurzweil, even though
Kurzweil has said he believes he was marked with a leg scar by aliens
operating near the South Pole and that aliens gave technology to Nazis to
use against Jews and that aliens have been answering his office phone. One
board member said nothing suggested that Kurzweil's "eccentricity" had harmed
any patients.
--
Ronald Melvin Gower, 31, was arrested in Princeton, Ky., after he tried to
rob a bank with a toy gun. One teller refused to hand over money, and as
the robber tried to persuade her, another employee, carrying a Polaroid
camera to take a picture of a car later in the day, snapped the robber's
picture. Gower allegedly backed away, said he was just kidding, and asked
for change of a $100. (Gower was wearing a rolled-up stocking under his
cap, but had forgotten to pull it over his face as a mask.)
--
The robbery of an Office Depot store in Lennox, just after closing, was
aborted when the robber, after locking workers inside, walked out the back
door to tell accomplices it was OK to come inside. The door locked behind
him.
--
A speech pathologist at Nova University in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., offers
classes on the proper way to yell. She told the Sun-Sentinel newspaper that
research indicates that 37 percent of women with vocal damage were at one
point high school cheerleaders, and a third of current cheerleaders have such
problems. Among her teachings: Use husky shouts, not high-pitched
screeches.
--
A man wearing a wig and glue-on mustache and sideburns tried to rob a Seattle
check-cashing store in November, presenting a clerk with a hand-written note.
The note, said the clerk, "was just a bunch of gibberish. I didn't even try
to read it; it was just ridiculous." The man declined a request for clearer
instructions and left, swearing.
--
Last winter, Fort Worth, Texas, police stopped a car that had been the subject
of reports that a bound and gagged blond woman had been spotted in the
passenger seat. After deputy sheriff David McPherson stopped the car, he
found that the "woman" was a blow-up doll and that the driver had been
engaged in a "joke." The man was released after being scolded.
--
In Little Rock, the hometown of notorious toe-socker Michael Wyatt, a couple
reported that a man not fitting Wyatt's description forced the woman at
knifepoint to submit to a toe-sucking as they left work late one night in
July. The couple was also robbed.
--
In May, Kenosha, Wis., police arrested a 40-year-old, heavyset man inside
a women's restroom at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside, charging him
with disorderly conduct. He was dressed as a French maid, bound and hand-
cuffed, and police said he had been arrested before for a similar incident.
Police said he paid a female student to tie him up, claiming it was part
of a fraternity prank.
--
In Toms River, N.J., William Radice Jr., 20, pleaded guilty in November to
forcing a woman to take off one of her black loafers and give it to him.
He had accosted her in her driveway as she was unloading groceries.
--
David D. Cousins, 22, was arrested for bank robbery in Quincy, Ill., in
November, after being tricked by the bank's executive vice president, Louis
McClelland, into surrendering after a six-hour standoff. McClelland had
faked a heart attack and told Cousins that if he died, the robbery would be
too gruesome to be acceptable for movie rights, but that if he got medical
treatment, he could help Cousins sell the story so they could both achieve fame
and fortune. Shortly afterward, Cousins surrendered.
--
In August, Baton Rouge, La., police charged Redmond McGee, 25, with breaking
into a woman's house to burglarize it and brushing her hair against her will.
--
A 42-year-old man was found not guilty by reason of insanity in Gainesville,
Fla., in January on charges that he set fire to 22 churches in Florida,
Colorado and Tennessee in a 10-month period. The man said he set the fires
as punishment because he thought church computers were sending him signals
to become gay.
--
The Tass news agency reported in December that Olga Frankevich, who fled
Soviet security police in 1947 during the Stalinist purge, surfaced from
a house in western Ukraine, where she had been hiding under a bed for 45
years. Her slightly bolder sister roamed the house but never left it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 16:25:41 PST
From: rmt@imatron.COM (Rich Tanner)
Subject: slight re-buttle regarding Clinton
To: spaf
>Bill Clinton's Cabinet and Advisors :
IF chosen by the "Ronald Regan" method ! -[rmt]
Dept. of Transportation Ted Kennedy
Dept. of Housing Leona Helmsly
Dept. of labor Anita Hill
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 14:50 EST
From: wolit@library.att.com
Subject: tainted beef
To: eniac
I think I figured out the problem that was causing all the trouble
with food poisoning from beef at Jack-In-The-Box restaurants out
West.
I just read a story on the newswire that explained that the outbreak
was traced to a strain of the bacteria E. coli 0157:H7. Well
that was a new one for me, but it hit me right away as an obvious
source of trouble. It's that colon there. Everyone knows that
E. coli like to live in the colon. That's why they call it E. *COLI*.
(The "E." is for "Escherichia", which is why they call it *E.* coli.)
Now, if they named the bug "E. coli 0157/H7", they could slash the
number of deaths from food poisoning. Or maybe "E. coli 0157^H7";
carets are healthy for you and tend to not be contaminated with
E. coli. Even "E. coli 0157;H7" should cut the number of infections
by half. I hate to keep pounding on this point, but, dash it all,
naming the microbe "E. coli 0157#H7", "E. coli 0157.H7", or
"E. coli 0157-H7" could have saved us all a lot of grief.
[Is this a form of that interdisciplinary research that is such the
rage? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1993 17:56:57 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: well, i'll be a son of a bitch
To: spaf
This high school senior goes to Dallas to visit Southern Methodist
University and inquires about a basketball scholarship. After viewing
his high school tape, coach John Shumate is impressed and in the
interview asks the boy if he is Methodist.
The boy replies that he is not.
Coach Shumate then explains that while he likes the boy's talent, he
is unable to offer a scholarship since the school is a Methodist
school and he is required to hold most of the scholarships for
Methodists. He encourages the boy to attend school at SMU and try out
for the team, but the boy explains that without a scholarship, he
can't afford to attend college. At this point, coach Shumate notes he
has heard a rumor that coach Roger Reid at Brigham Young might be able
to help.
So next this high school senior goes to Provo to visit Brigham Young
University and inquires about a basketball scholarship. After viewing
his high school tape, coach Reid is impressed and in the interview asks
the boy if he is Mormon.
The boy replies that he is not.
Coach Reid then explains that while he likes the boy's talent, he
is unable to offer a scholarship since the school is a Mormon
school and he is required to hold most of the scholarships for
Mormons. He encourages the boy to attend school at BYU and try out
for the team, but the boy explains that without a scholarship, he
can't afford to attend college. At this point, coach Reid notes he
has heard a rumor that coach Digger Phelps at Notre Dame might be able
to help.
So next this high school senior goes to South Bend to visit Notre Dame
University and inquires about a basketball scholarship. After viewing
his high school tape, coach Phelps is impressed and in the interview asks
the boy if he is Catholic.
The boy replies that he is not.
Coach Phelps then explains that while he likes the boy's talent, he
is unable to offer a scholarship since the school is a Catholic
school and he is required to hold most of the scholarships for
Catholics. He encourages the boy to attend school at Notre Dame and
try out for the team, but the boy explains that without a scholarship,
he can't afford to attend college. At this point, coach Phelps says he
doesn't know what he can do to help.
The boy, absolutely discouraged at this point says, "Well I'll be a
son of a bitch!"
Upon hearing that, Coach Phelps responds, "If you can prove that, just
head down to Bloomington, and I guarantee Bobby Knight will give you a
scholarship!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 19:30:03 EST
From: SAPPENC@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu
Subject: What'd he say?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is true.
Last night, when my husband and I arrived to attended a performance in the
Vanderbilt University Great Performances Series, we were given programs which
included the following notice:
Sarratt Performing Arts thanks
Karla Keslo and Linda Plunk
and the League for the Hearing Impared
for their help in signing this performance.
The performer was Marcel Marceau.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 93 04:35:31 EST
From: karn@thumper.bellcore.com (Phil R. Karn)
Passenger Gets Arm Stuck in a Train Toilet
TOURS, France (AP) _ Nearly two hours after he reached into a
chemical toilet to remove dropped identification papers, a
passenger on a high-speed train was finally freed. Well, partially
at least.
The toilet was cut out of the train car floor and the man, his
arm still encased in it, was taken to the hospital, authorities
said Monday.
The man's Sunday night ordeal occurred on a Paris-to-Bordeaux
high speed train and was brought to the attention of train
officials by another passenger. The train stopped at
Saint-Pierre-des-Corps near Tours, where firefighters removed the
toilet, the man's arm still stuck inside, rail officials said.
The rest of the passengers were then transferred to another
train.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------