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[dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu: FYA]



------- Forwarded Message

Date:    Mon, 27 Aug 90 22:20:37 -0500 
From:    dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
To:      bob
Subject: FYA

3A. ESSAY
	IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU,
THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE
THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

	I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
	I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-
Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.
	Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army
ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
	I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been
caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
	I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read _Paradise_Lost_, _Moby_Dick_, and _David_Copperfield_ in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to
me.
	I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I
breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
	But I have not yet gone to college.

[From _Harper's_ "This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor
	category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards. It appeared in the May
	issue of _Literary_Calvalcade_, a magazine of contemporary fiction and
	student writing published by Scholastic in NYC. Gallagher, who is 18,
	grew up in Newtown Square, PA, and will attend NYU this fall."
]

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