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Yucks Digest V7 #24
Yucks Digest Wed, 26 Nov 97 Volume 7 : Issue 24
Today's Topics:
"Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"
AQOTD - (Anonymous Quote of the Day) - 11/11/97
California Girls (and what has happened to it?)
Dgtl
FW: software engineering managers (fwd)
FW: USEFUL LAW DEGREE
Gay Comedians Speak Out
Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer.
humor: x chopping daze til x mas....
Humor? You Know You're A Geek If... (fwd)
I love windows
Is it Friday Yet?
Is your family dysfunctional?
Last Requests
OFFICE 97
One tough cookie.
QOTD - 11/11/97, Cringely
Quote of the day
resume mistakes
role models [thanks Sarah]
Terminating a SCSI chain
Thanksgiving thoughts (fwd)
the convent of st. elias [thanks Joan]
The Religious Life
Thermodynamic diet
The shape of things to come?
The Top 14 Problems with Being Married to Superman (fwd)
Top 10 consequences...
Twelve Answers.
Yucks Digest V7 #23 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Sep 1996 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: "Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Debbie Greenberg <dag@tis.com>
Forwarded by: Kristen_Oberright@hgsi.com (Kristen Oberright)
Forwarded by: Roger King" <rgking@walrus.com>
The Top 17 Signs You're at a Bad Renaissance Festival
17> The castle and village are made entirely of Legos.
16> Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg.
15> Festival activities include "Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest."
14> Eight minute drum solo in the middle of "Greensleeves."
13> "Belly up to the bar, me lad, for some grilled mahi-mahi
and fresh California Roll!"
12> Ye Old Glassblower makes nothing but crack pipes.
11> The meade is served in a coconut shell with a Fizzy straw.
10> Everyone seems to have attended the Kevin Costner School
of British Accents.
9> Mosh pit follows the wandering minstrels.
8> You get charged 5 bucks to take a leak behind Ye Olde Hedge.
7> Guillotine exhibit closed due to pending litigation.
6> Friar Tuck's pager keeps going off.
5> Featured event: "Johnson-Jousting!"
4> Disgusting Ogre is merely an unshaved Marlon Brando.
3> "Tarry, wench, I prithee! Wouldst thou Macarena?"
2> Merlin the Magician's only trick is "Got your nose!"
and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Renaissance Festival...
1> Jousting Crips & Bloods.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 97 12:14:04 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: AQOTD - (Anonymous Quote of the Day) - 11/11/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>
"Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act,
but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with
computers, they should be easy to beat up."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 97 16:33:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: California Girls (and what has happened to it?)
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Ladysmyth@aol.com (Sarah Gowan)
Forwarded-by: carosue@iguana.ruralnet.net (House of Unruly Fish)
An English music magazine reports that a feminist group has asked radio
stations to ban the Beach Boys' song "California Girls" because its lyrics
are "patronising, demeaning, and inappropriate."
*** California Girls (1965)
Well, east coast girls are hip
I really dig the styles they wear.
And the Southern girls
with the way they talk,
they knock me out when I'm down there.
The midwest farmers' daughters
really make me feel all right.
And the northern girls
with the way they kiss,
they keep their boyfriends warm at night
I wish they all could be California girls.
So, we have rewritten it for the nineties ...
*** California Sisters (1997)
Females on the east coast are socially aware
I greatly admire their dress sense.
And females south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their idiosyncratic speech patterns,
leave me incredulous whenever I visit.
Those women born to land owners and tillers
imbue in me a wonderful sense of well being.
And young women residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten,
social mores notwithstanding.
In my opinion, they would all make excellent residents of California.
However, this is a mere *translation* of the words. To make the song
*really* PC, we need to update the meaning, too ...
*** California Womyn (1997, PC)
Well, east coast womyn are socially aware
as are their counterparts everywhere else.
And womyn south of the Mason-Dixon line,
because of their regionally-enhanced speech patterns,
leave men even more clueless than they normally are.
Those womyn born to land owners and tillers
imbue in men a wonderful sense of well being,
as do all their equals around the world.
And womyn of all ages residing in northern states,
with the singular manner of their intimate facial contact,
help young males of their acquaintance maintain appropriate
body temperatures when persistent evening chills threaten.
Of course, the whole "I'm cold" thing is really just an excuse.
Nor will we mention that those males have ONE THING on their
stability-challenged little minds.
In my opinion, all womyn are just fine right where they are.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Dgtl
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
MAYNARD, MA. Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) today announced that it
has signed a letter of intent to sell all of the vowels in its corporate
name. The deal would sell the vowels to a yet unnamed buyer. If the deal
goes through the company would be known as Dgtl.
The letter deal follows close on the heals of the sale of Alpha chip
technology to Intel and the rumored sale of the networking equipment
division to Cabletron.
Dgtl spokes person, Niki Richardson, said that the vowels were not part
of the Dgtl's core business and long term strategy. "We feel that our
core competencies lie more in the area of consonants," stated Richardson.
Further rumors stated that there was considerable discussion within the
company over whether to replace the missing letters with blanks or
apostrophes. Apparently it was decided to use neither as a further cost
cutting measure. However, Dgtl official strongly denied that the company
is attempting to raise enough cash to cover so called "golden parachutes"
for its executives.
Long time Dgtl watcher, Terry Shannon, stated that, "This move can only
make Dgtl a stronger company." Other industry analysts, particularly
those whose entire livelihood does not depend on whether Dgtl exists,
claim the move is of questionable value. James Morris, an analyst at
International Data Corp in Framingham, Massachusetts says, "I don't think
the deal makes any sense, I can't even pronounce Dgtl."
Dgtl expects to name the buyer within the next several weeks.
Dgtl stock remained unchanged after the news, as no one was quite sure
whether the stock symbol was still DEC or had now become DC.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 10:37:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: FW: software engineering managers (fwd)
To: spaf
Tony Wise
Software Engineer
UUNET Technologies
-----Original Message-----
At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just
boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been
responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would
disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only
one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he
said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone
take off.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 1997 15:21:36 -0500 (EST)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: FW: USEFUL LAW DEGREE
To: spaf
True Story - I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang,
and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman,
scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual-exhaust,
250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up
truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate
to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in
front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busy-body/nuisance. She proceeds to yell
in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy
by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me
again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you." "So, you measured my speed by ear?"
(Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop.
I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds
to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks.
I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated
33 MPH (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them."
I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to
screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."
I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start
to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
"Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left
the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here.
According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a
right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle,
which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me.
A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio
my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had
no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her
arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want
her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a
Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic
tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license,
as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands
a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was
more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
David A. Coombe
Coleman Research Corporation
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 97 14:51:18 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Gay Comedians Speak Out
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: adam cavan <acavan@suika.com>
GAY COMEDIANS SPEAK OUT IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work. Hello, can't
work today. Still queer."
-- Robin Tyler
My Aunt Lorraine said, "Bob, you're gay. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
I said, "No. I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy."
-- Bob Smith
I don't even consider myself bisexual. Frankly, I just think of myself as
a "people person."
Labels can also be misleading. I saw a news report about a lesbian protest
march, and the reporter said, "Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration."
My first thought was, "Cool. I always wondered how those things work."
I know that some lesbians are getting pregnant by going to sperm banks. I
couldn't do that. I'm exactly like my grandmother. "What? Everything's
frozen?! Nothing's fresh?!"
-- Michael Dane
I came out to a straight friend and told her that I'm a lesbian. The first
thing she said to me was: "Really? Do you know Jill McGee? She's a lesbian
in Philadelphia!" Pardon me for laughing, but straight people are so funny!
They think we all know each other! Actually, I do know her. But, hey, it's
just a coincidence!
-- Karen Ripley
I do not care whether they allow gays in the military or not, because the
whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd. I do not
understand the desire to pick up a gun and go off and shoot strangers when
there are so many loved ones I'd like to take a shot at first. I'd have to
reload several times to get every one on my particular hit list of love.
-- E.L. Greggory
Yes, I was a teenage lesbian. And while that may sound like a horror movie
to some of you, for me I could subtitle that period of my life, "Adventures
in Paradise," because there was one thing that we gay teenagers could do
that our straight friends couldn't. I could say, "Hey, Mom, Michelle's
comin' over to spend the night Friday night, OK?" "OK, Honey!"
-- Marilyn Pittman
I do a lot of traveling as a comic. I've traveled through the Bible Belt.
"Belt" is too narrow a word, I think. It should be "Bible cummerbund." Or
maybe "Bible Body Cast."
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What
must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
-- Sabrina Matthews
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 12:05:05 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Forwarded-by: "Sander O. Pool" <sander@chromatic.com>
German Lesson #7
Dog: Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-
mechanikerwerker
Mechanic's Union: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagen-
mechanikerwerkerfeatherbedden-
gefixengruppe
Doctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper
Hypodermic Needle: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker-
helperhurtensticker
Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker-
helperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz
Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
spinnenseat
Piano Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
offengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
offengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder-
offengeshowenspellensnoozen-
gruppenuppenwakers
Automobile: Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline: Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver: Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepinger-
sputtergefixer
Repair Bill: Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 13:23:04 -0800
From: Fred Clegg <Fred.Clegg@mri.com>
Subject: humor: x chopping daze til x mas....
To: yucks
X CHOPPING DAZE TIL X MAS?
A man went to his dentist because he felt something
uncomfortable happening in his mouth. The dentist
examined him and said, "What have you been eating?
That new upper plate I put in six months ago seems
to be eroding."
The man replied, "All I can think of is that about
four months ago, my wife made some asparagus with
Hollandaise sauce and I loved it so much I put it
on everything now --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables
-- everything."
"Well, that's the problem," says the dentist.
"Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a
new plate, but this time I'll use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
"Simple," the dentist replies, "Everyone knows
there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise..."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 97 11:58:39 PST
From: Allan Prentice <allanp@fancy.cup.hp.com>
Subject: Humor? You Know You're A Geek If... (fwd)
To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded message:
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 10:23:49 -0800
From: emader@netscape.com (Eric Mader)
<forwards are reading "The Nitpicker's Guide To Star Trek">
You get double points if you don't know why a line is funny....
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GEEK...
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
If your significant other sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to
dinner.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
decimal point in the right place.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your kid's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door
opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up
to the front to fix it.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and
have seen most of the shows already.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
get enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your
garage.
If your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine. 2. Fat. 3. Sugar.
4. Chocolate.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
[If I score a 26, is that good? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 10:55:24 +0000
From: Danny Halamish <dny@pixelfusion.com>
Subject: I love windows
To: yucks
Seen in a .sig file (original source unknown):
Windoze - computing while u wait.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 1997 06:06:34 PST
From: "Donna Lantello" <dlantello@hotmail.com>
Subject: Is it Friday Yet?
To: spaf
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He
acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man
smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 1996 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Is your family dysfunctional?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
From: "Joshua M. Duhl" <74443.2610@CompuServe.COM>
The Top 9 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
9. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
8. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
7. Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.
6. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
5. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
4. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster
around the house.
3. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
2. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from
Penthouse Forum.
1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast
turkey.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 97 18:50:10 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Last Requests
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed
away last night."
"Oh, Mary" said Father O'Grady, "that's terrible! Tell me Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down
the gun...'"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 96 22:18:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: OFFICE 97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[This would have been funnier if I had been a little more timely
in publishing Yucks... --spaf]
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <peak.org!doylej@orange.metron.com>
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE OFFICE 97 ANNOUNCEMENT AT COMDEX
10. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the percentage of
features you'll never use.
9. Sorry, Mr. Dole, that's not what we meant by "zero
administration."
8. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the number of
megabytes a compact installation takes up.
7. We would have added more features, but all the good programmers
are at Netscape.
6. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the number of
lawsuits we had to settle to be able to ship the thing.
5. Look out! I mean, Outlook!
4. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's how many times we
mentioned "Internet" in the press release.
3. That's not the AltaVista blimp...that's the advertising budget!
2. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's where our stock will
be if this doesn't fly.
1. Now, Bill, remember: it's Office 97, not "son of Bob."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: One tough cookie.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" <kole@rsn.hp.com>
Forwarded-by: Bob Patton <patton@rsn.hp.com>
From: Chad Hardy <tribe01@flash.net>
On Apple's home page today there was nothing but three pictures
and a message that told you to come back later for some interesting
info. The pictures were:
- a cookie
- a shopping cart
- a screwdriver
I immediately realized that this was a coded message:
- Gates is one tough cookie.
- He bought our company.
- We're screwed.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 97 15:38:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - 11/11/97, Cringely
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Allan Noordvyk
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Still, there are some things a big company can do that a small band of
programmers could never hope to accomplish. This was best shown to me this
week by reader Brian P. McLean, who points out that according to his
Microsoft Outlook 97 scheduling/datebook application, Thanksgiving falls
this year on Wednesday, November 26.
Thanksgiving has always fallen on Thursday before. Wednesday may be an
improvement. I don't know.
-- Robert X. Cringely, from his "I, Cringely" column (November 7, 1997)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Nov 1997 03:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
Writer Arthur C. Clarke was participating in a panel discussion via the
Internet as a part of Cyberfest '97. This was held at the University of
Illinois at Urbana, the "birthplace" of HAL 9000, the intelligent,
self-aware computer in his novel 2001:A Space Odyssey.
At the conference, which included a competition to write HAL's first
words, Clarke offered his preference for HAL's first spoken sentence.
"Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95
from my hard drive."
Submitted by: Terry Labach
Oct. 17, 1997
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Nov 1997 11:23:21 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: resume mistakes
To: yucks
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are
some real-life examples:
*"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
*"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in
computer science, curses in accounting."
*"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
*"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising
and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
*"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
*"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
*"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining
composer."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too
seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave
drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess
no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate--especially when the task is
unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel
free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on
my head!"
* Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to
hear from you shorty!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 09:56:28 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: role models [thanks Sarah]
To: yucks
A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of the
Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of
sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars,
answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how
important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on
current affairs. Love him or hate him, you have to appreciate Howard's
sense of the absurd.
Q1: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)
Q2: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of
Colored People)
Q3: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember The
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the
phone guy!)
Q4: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international members
of the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our
president. )
Q5: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)
Q6: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to
what he termed "industry related" questions:
Q7: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."
Q8: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne
Q9: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche
Q10: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Nov 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Terminating a SCSI chain
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Getting a SCSI chain working is perfectly simple if you remember
that there must be exactly three terminations: one on one end of
the cable, one on the far end, and the goat, terminated over the
SCSI chain with a silver-handled knife whilst burning *black*
candles.
-- Anthony DeBoer
This may have provoked John F. Woods' famous comment:
SCSI is *NOT* magic. There are *fundamental technical reasons*
why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to your SCSI chain
now and then.
-- John Woods
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 96 6:54:29 PST
From: Duncan McAlpine <dm2477@lab3.ca.boeing.com>
Subject: Thanksgiving thoughts (fwd)
To: yucks
Seasonal Humor...
>
> Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't.....
>
> 1) Reach in and grab the giblets.
>
> 2) Whew, that's one terrific spread!
>
> 3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
>
> 4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
>
> 5) Talk about a huge breast!
>
> 6) "and he forced his way into the end zone..."
>
> 7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
>
> 8) It's Cool Whip time!!!!
>
> 9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
>
> 10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Nov 1997 12:12:17 -0500 (EST)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: the convent of st. elias [thanks Joan]
To: yucks
Sender: owner-al-stewart@fish.com
The Convent of St. Elias
PRILEP, Macedonia (AP)
Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece
and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over
a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant
historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister
Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of
St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53 enjoys
excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about
the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of
Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god
of love, occupied the hilltop site.
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used
it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have
first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal
writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek
legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the
temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed
- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or
because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not
square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is
only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife
of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it.
Thus, that's how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left
on base.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Nov 97 13:46:04 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Religious Life
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: halglatzer@pop.a001.sprintmail.com
A Jewish man has been stranded alone on a desert island for years. But
one day, a ship arrives and offers to take him home.
"I'm ready to go," he tells the captain. "But first I really have to
show you around my little island. I'm very proud of the civilized world
I've built here. First, this is my home." It's an elaborate bungalow made
of bamboo and thatch, with big trees for pillars and a rooftop cupola made
of driftwood.
"Very impressive," says the captain.
"Come down here to the beach. I've built a synagogue." He leads the
way, and it, too, is an intricate bamboo and thatch structure. They go
inside where he shows the captain a driftwood ark and a bark-cloth scroll.
"Every Saturday I come say prayers here, and I've written down what I can
remember from the Torah."
"That's very commendable," says the captain.
"Now follow me around the cape of the island. See that--?" he points
to a beautiful construction on a far bluff, very much like the last building.
The captain scratches his head. "It looks just like your synagogue!"
"It is a synagogue," the islander declares. Then he lowers his voice:
"But that's the one I *don't* go to."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 10:37:58 -0800 (PST)
From: Rob Knauerhase <knauer@ideal.jf.intel.com>
Subject: Thermodynamic diet
To: yucks
Making the rounds of the 'net, just in time for the Holidays...
>From: owner-forms-l@agora.rdrop.com
>From: wbg <wbg@hevanet.com>
>
>
> HEALTHY EATING
>
> As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
> Celsius. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you
> eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large
> part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to
> body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the
> calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example,
> a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg F) will in a
> short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C
> (98.6 deg F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
> approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion
> is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law,
> 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg x 37 deg x 168 gm) are extracted from
> body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.
>
> Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net
> calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
>
> Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and
> the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
>
> This process works equally well when drinking very cold pop in
> frosted glasses. Each ounce of pop contains 16 latent calories, but
> extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the
> temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce
> of pop is 1,020 calories.
>
> It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories
> (12oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process
> of drinking a can of pop.
>
> Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it
> takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg C) and an
> additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The
> results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
>
> Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink pop,
> pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature)
> induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader
> should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot
> of pop with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of
> ice cream.
>
> We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this
> pizza, pop, and ice cream diet.
>
> Happy eating.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 97 00:58:17 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The shape of things to come?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Michael Hawley <mike@media.mit.edu>
I recently bumped into the president of Toblerone, the Swiss chocolate
company, and had a chance to ask him a question that's been bugging me
since I was three:
Why do Toblerone bars come in such an odd shape?
I had my own theory (naturally). Namely, it's because the name is so long
and skinny. Unlike "Nestle" or "Wonka" or "M&M," when you print "T O B L
E R O N E" on a chocolate bar, you get a rather long and skinny bar. Which
tends to break, but the cleverly molded equilateral triangular arch shape
reinforces it beautifully, yet it still breaks into bite-sized morsels.
The bars also pack into hexagonal bricks and honeycombed crates for
shipping. Soon, this became a unique hallmark of the brand. Ingenious,
and brilliant.
And, like so many brilliant and ingenious theories, this one turns out to
be 100% wrong. The real reason (which I am not making up) is this.
Apparently, Herr Tobler was quite the ladies' man. He chose a shape he
thought would be particularly appealing to women, for purely anatomical
reasons. Is it any coincidence that in heaven, the Italians (not the
Swiss!) are the lovers? Let's leave it at that.
Mike
p.s.
The Toblerone mold patent was granted in 1909, and the authorizing signature
was none other than that of Albert Einstein, who was clerking at the Patent
Office at the time.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 96 6:08:29 PDT
From: Duncan McAlpine <dm2477@lab3.ca.boeing.com>
Subject: The Top 14 Problems with Being Married to Superman (fwd)
To: yucks
Forwarded message:
>
> The Top 14 Problems With Being Married to Superman
> __________________________________________________
>
> 14 Oh sure, he can leap over tall buildings in a single bound,
> but try getting him to mow the lawn.
>
> 13 Thanksgiving in Smallville every friggin' year.
>
> 12 Evidence of interplanetary philandering awfully hard
> to come by.
>
> 11 Krypto the Super Dog keeps breaking guests' shins at
> dinner parties.
>
> 10 Turns the Earth backwards an hour if he misses "Melrose."
>
> 9 Turns out that straight-laced Clark Kent is one mighty kinky
> S.O.B.
>
> 8 His way of ending every argument with, "And who's the one who
> saved the world last week?!?"
>
> 7 More powerful than a locomotive, especially after a 7-11
> burrito.
>
> 6 Whenever he sees that damn "Bat-Signal" up in the sky, he's
> impotent for days.
>
> 5 Always asking, "Do these tights make my ass look fat?"
>
> 4 Loves that "pull my finger" gag, despite the damage it causes
> to your home's foundation.
>
> 3 Before you married, he could move entire planets.....now,
> he can't move his ass off the couch.
>
> 2 Is it "the change," or is he just playing with his heat vision
> again?
>
>
> and the Number 1 Problem With Being Married to Superman..........
>
>
> 1 A homeless, toothless Margo Kidder keeps showing up on
> your doorstep and bellowing, "He's mine! Do you hear me?!
> He's mine!!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Nov 1997 11:42:43 -0800
From: "Ric Forrester" <ric@visigenic.com>
Subject: Top 10 consequences...
To: spaf
>In reply to the "Top 15 Unforseen Consequences of the Millenium Bug", we
>proudly reply with:
>
>The Top Ten Consequences of the Millenium Bug on Macintosh Computers
>by Ted Kopulos
>
>10. None
>9. None
>8. None
>7. None, but Microsoft is trying to work the bug into Office 2000 for Macs
>6. None
>5. None
>4. None
>3. None
>2. None
>
>And the Number One Consequence the Millenium Bug Will Have On Macintosh
>Computers
>
>1. An overwhelming feeling of smugness among their owners.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 14:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Twelve Answers.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Forwarded-by: "Otermat, Dennis E" <Dennis.Otermat@unisys.com>
Forwarded-by: Stacy Jorgenson <stacyj@jps.net>
Forwarded-by: Screwy and Bare Elegance <scrwdrvr@clarion-net.com>
ANSWERS TO "SO WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED YET?"
1. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
2. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
3. It gives my mother something to live for.
4. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
5. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
6. What? And spoil my great sex life?
7. Nobody would believe me in white.
8. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child
would be redundant.
9. Do you know how hard it is to get TWO tickets to Miss Saigon?
10. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. (A New York Special)
11. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll
rituals.
12. Because I just love hearing this question.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 10:36:12 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V7 #23 (shorts)
To: Yucks-request
Ooops. ;-}
--keith
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The following was written by Gene Ziegler and posted to Delphi's
DTP Forum:
A grandchild's guide to using Grandpa's computer (Ode to Dr. Seuss)
Bits. Bytes. Chips. Clocks.
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.
Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come
Look, sir. Look, sir. Read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.
First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.
And here's anew trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.
Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.
Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unncesssary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------