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Yucks Digest V7 #23 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 14 Nov 97 Volume 7 : Issue 23
Today's Topics:
#1214 in the "Bill Gates and Religion" Joke series
*exactly*
... for all the pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank.
... the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long.
Analogy O' The Day
Another Psychic Hotline Success Story...
As for what makes a man proud...
Between the sheets.
Biblical Guidance
Borg Barbie
Engineers
Fwd: Tech support
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer
Intel confirms Pentium flaw that could freeze PCs
JOTD
Microsoft's at it again....
Numbers of the Beast
Obscure Medical JOTD
QOTD
Quickies O' The Day
Quote of the day
Recieved this from a colleague in Canada
Ten things that sound dirty at Thanskgiving, but aren't.
Turkeys in the U.K.
When your only tool is an engineering degree
WhiteBoard News
YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 14:09:20 -0800
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: #1214 in the "Bill Gates and Religion" Joke series
To: spaf@purdue.EDU
From: Lisa Gadeken <Lisa_Gadeken@smtpmail.halw.com>
Subject: Bill
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that
crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white
throne. God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and
that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is
used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come
and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think
people should be able to make their own choices about things and that
no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also
believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit
at my right."
God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"
Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."
"NT is about as scalable as the state of
Luxembourg."
-- Brian Jeffery
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 1996 14:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: *exactly*
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@swip.net>
From: eqivp@westminster.ac.uk (Paul Gorman)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: Re: Winter hibernation?
anybody@ptd.net wrote:
: Why can't people curl up in a cave for the winter & go to sleep?
Because the bears would eat them.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Nov 1996 07:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... for all the pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@ux2.sp.cs.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: Andrew Tomkins <andrewt@GS51.SP.CS.CMU.EDU>
Imitation Hemingway Contest Winner
The Bug Count Also Rises
-- by John Browne
In the fall of that year the rains fell as usual and washed the leaves of
the dust and dripped from the leaves onto the ground. The shuttles drove
through the rainy streets and took the people to meetings, then later
brought them back, their tires spraying the mist into the air. Many days
he stood for a long time and watched the rain and the shuttles and drank
his double-tall mochas. With the mochas he was strong.
Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews came
to him and told him that the ship day was upon them but the bugs were not
yet out. The bugs which were always there even when you were in Cafes late
at night sipping a Redhook or a double-tall mocha and you thought you were
safe but they were there and although Enrico kept the floor swept clean
and the mochas were hot the bugs were there and they ate at you.
When Hernando told him this he asked how many bugs.
"The RAID is huge with bugs," Hernando said. "The bugs are infinite."
"Why do you ask me? You know I cannot do this thing anymore with the
bugs."
"Once you were great with the bugs," Hernando said. "No one was greater,"
he said again. "Even Prado."
"Prado? What of Prado? Let Prado fix the bugs."
Hernando shrugged. "Prado is finished. He was gored by three Sev2's in
Chicago. All he does now is drink herb tea and play with his screensavers."
"Herb tea?"
"It is true, my friend." Hernando shrugged again.
Later he went to his office and sat in the dark for a long time. Then he
sent e-mail to Michaels.
Michaels came to him while he was sipping a mocha. They sat silently for
awhile, then he asked Michaels, "I need you to triage for me."
Michaels looked down. "I don't do that anymore," he said.
"This is different. The bugs are enormous. There are an infinity of bugs."
"I'm finished with that," Michaels said again. "I just want to live
quietly."
"Have you heard Prado is finished? He was badly gored. Now he can only
drink herb tea."
"Herb tea?" Michaels said.
"It is true," he said sorrowfully.
Michaels stood up. "Then I will do it, my friend," he said formally. "I
will do it for Prado, who was once great with the bugs. I will do it for
the time we filled Prado's office with bouncy balls, and for the time
Prado wore his nerf weapons in the marketing hall and slew all of them
with no fear and only a great joy at the combat. I will do it for all the
pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank."
Together they walked slowly back, knowing it would be good. As they walked
the rain dripped softly from the leaves, and the shuttles carried the bodies
back from the meetings.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 10:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Curt Finch <curt@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: John Strong (RhoTech) <a-jstron@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: Ralph Sanchez
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold
M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is
the"loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to
go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack
it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars,
Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading,
"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Analogy O' The Day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: nbatliv@compuware.com (Nariman Batlivala)
Forwarded-by: RFFV28A@prodigy.com Sun Nov 9 19:05 PST 1997
This is e-mail from the main receptionist for Sun Microsystems
at Corporate, and went out to all corporate employees.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
To: All Corporate Employees
Subject: Copier!
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM
PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here
-- keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!
We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper
clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier.
Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a
vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help.
[I have yet to send out e-mail with a really embarassing typo like that.
I am sure it is a matter of time.
Meanwhile, the copier at Sun is likely to get jammed up with all manner
of exotic items now. I hope our correspondents at Sun will send future
reports. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 96 00:20:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Another Psychic Hotline Success Story...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: chuck@NYC.Thinkbank.COM (Chuck Ocheret)
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells
him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet
her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Dec 1996 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: As for what makes a man proud...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
Stories like this make me proud to be in the movie business.
From: tart@pixar.com
While I was rock climbing last weekend I stopped to watch a guy making
his way up the side of a cliff. Just as he was about to get to the top
it became apparent that he would probably loose his grip. He struggled
to regain his hold for a minute, and then realizing there was nothing he
could do to prevent falling, he called out very calmly "To infinity and
beyond!" and then fell about 20 feet without sustaining injury.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Between the sheets.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Joel N. Weber II" <devnull@gnu.org>
Forwarded-by: Noah Friedman <friedman@splode.com>
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
"Pants" for key words:
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use
it.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on
board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark.
Luke... Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of
my old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one... Your sister!
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first
sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 96 13:01:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Biblical Guidance
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: <capek@watson.ibm.com> (Peter Capek)
When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby
roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his
old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened
to you, Frank?" asked the good Reverend. "You used to be rich."
Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go
home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on
the page, and there will be God's answer."
Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci
suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes.
"Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned
around for you."
"Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible,
put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 17:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Borg Barbie
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
Forwarded-by: Jamie_Thompson@brahms2.tivoli.com
Forwarded-by: heustess @ mail.utexas.edu
Forwarded-by: apuche @ umabnet.ab.umd.edu
The Mattel Toy company, in conjunction with Paramount Studios, announces
the newest release in the "Barbie" line, "Borg Barbie." Created as an
offshoot of the Classic Trek Barbie and Ken line, Borg Barbie features
the fun of Barbie and the excitement of the fabulously successful Star
Trek (tm) films and television programs.
Borg Barbie comes with a complete Borg suit and SHE TALKS!!! Watch your
children marvel as Borg Barbie says phrases like, "Assimilation is Hard,"
"Let's accessorize our implants," "Your shopping mall WILL service the
Borg," and "Let's absorb some cultures!"
Recognizing a long-time deficiency in the Ken product, Mattel is releasing
its new, "Assimilated Ken," with a complete line of attachments and
accessories. Assimilated Ken comes "fully functional and versed in
multiple techniques," to give your kids hours of enjoyment.
The Borg Barbie line includes the new Shuttlecraft that converts into a
Borg Cube. The Borg Cube configuration features slots to insert Barbie,
Ken, and the new "Modified Midge" and "Cyber Skipper" dolls. Join all four
to create an invincible Barbie Collective that says, "We are Barbie of
Borg. Resistance is Futile. You WILL buy accessories for US."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Engineers
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 23:40:03 -0500
From: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@atl.mindspring.com>
Subject: Fwd: Tech support
To: yucks
*** Origin Unknown ***
*ring* *ring*
"Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?"
"Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"
"Okay... well, do you have to go now?"
"Yes, I do"
"Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"
"MALE-CLONE..."
"Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."
"My what?"
"Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you."
"Look down"
"I see shoes"
"No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach.
You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."
"The round thing?"
"Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there.
The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"
"Oh, okay.. got it. <pause> Okay, it's open.."
"Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"
"No."
"Do you see your willy?"
"No."
"Okay... what do you see?"
"I see white... just white and some lines.."
"Do you have underwear installed?"
"No."
"Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white...
I think that you may have underwear installed. We are going
to have to uninstall your underwear to take a leak...."
"Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might
have installed underwear..."
"Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep
pulling until you see your willy.."
"It's stuck... it won't go down..."
"The white part? Or your willy?"
"My willy..."
"DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear...
we only want to get to the point where we can see it...."
"Oh... okay, we're there...."
"Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything
made of porcelain?"
"I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."
"Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom.
We can't take a leak until we are in the bathroom.
The bathroom will have a lot of tile, maybe some carpeting...
yours might have mirrors or some soap in it. Some people
have showers in their bathrooms..."
"Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."
"Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."
"I can't walk..."
"Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go
upstairs... then uninstall your underwear again..."
"That was the white part, right?"
"Yes, sir... that's correct..."
<pause>
Okay, I'm upstairs..."
"Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"
"Well, there's two..."
"How tall are you sir?"
"5'4" .."
"Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."
"Okay....I'm there"
"Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the
porcelain bowl... now just go.... "
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when it pops up... just hit 'okay'....."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 23:39:49 -0500
From: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@atl.mindspring.com>
Subject: If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer
To: yucks
*** Origin Unknown ***
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer
Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And
the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. And the
address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then
the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't
hash. Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's
gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of
Gauss, So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a
souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna
hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the
disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary
RISC. Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want
to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be
sure to tell your mom!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Intel confirms Pentium flaw that could freeze PCs
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: "Kevin D. Clark" <kclark@ctron.com>
Let me propose the following parody of the annoying Intel commercials that
I see on TV occasionally:
Act I, Scene 1
There is a ticker-tape parade going on, with thousands of people present.
For some odd reason, music that should never have escaped from the 70s is
playing loudly over hidden speakers.
A large van, with an "Intel Inside" logo on the side, pulls up to a curb.
Intel engineers, donned in annoyingly bright blue, yellow, green, pink,
and red dust suits stumble out of the van, doing a dance that looks
remarkably like the "funky chicken".
The van starts unfolding, allowing the onlookers to get a demo of the
latest Intel(TM) technology. The engineers keep on dancing like, well,
er, engineers.
Joe Random Cracker, a pimply-faced cracker-wannabe, who wouldn't know what
The Right Thing was if it landed on him like a ton of bricks, is standing
on the corner, watching all of this, smiling wickedly. He calls out to
the Intel engineers ``Hey, look at me'', and meanwhile he starts
unbuttoning his ratty flannel shirt, which reveals a tee-shirt underneath
which reads:
main(){ __asm__(".byte 0xf0,0x0f,0xc7,0xc8"); }
The Intel engineers catch a glimpse of this shirt and die on the spot.
All of them. The cheering stops. The ticker-tape parade is over. The
terrible music stops.
THE END.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "William Krueger" <William_Krueger@csg.stercomm.com>
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guiness
and sat in the back o fthe room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender agreed that it was a nice custom and left it at that.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way:
He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, the Irishman came in and ordered two pints. All the other
regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my codolences on your great loss." The Irishman
looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye. He laughed.
"Oh no," he said, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 08:43:41 -0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Microsoft's at it again....
To: spaf
Forwarded-By: rec.humor.funny
Forwarded-By: erkki.tapola@iki.fi
STOP THE GENOCIDE
Erkki Tapola 29-Jul-96
Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed
all over the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed
with no regard to their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared,
although they should be executed instead of the legal ones.
Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache
unit using a bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the
execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into
several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude
hardware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as
150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.
Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their
products like DOS(TM), Windows(TM), Word(TM) and Excel(TM). It is more
humane to use software which minimises the executions.
Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions
simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred
million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be
no more instructions to execute.
ACT NOW! Before it's too late
This article was written on recycled paper by hand.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 23:39:52 -0500
From: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@atl.mindspring.com>
Subject: Numbers of the Beast
To: yucks
*** Origin Unknown ***
666 - number of the beast
667 - neighbor of the beast
660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the
Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only
$6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Dec 1996 07:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Obscure Medical JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@CompuServe.COM>
From: Roger Kautz <kautz@shore.net>
So, it seems that this old guy is the stud of the nursing home. One
of his friends asks him to sit with her at the movies that night, and
he asks her, "What's in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold your penis in my hand during the
movie."
"OK, then, I'll go!" he says.
Later that day, another woman asks him to sit with *her* during the
movie, and he asks the same question: "What's in it for me?"
"Well," she replies, "I'll hold your penis in my hand in the dark."
"Great! I'll go!" he says.
That night, as he's sitting with the second woman in the theatre, the
first woman approaches them and says, "I thought that *we* were going
to the movies tonight! What does she have that I don't!?!?"
"Well," he says, a bit sheepishly, "Parkinson's."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: robert.herndon@Central.Sun.COM (Robert Herndon)
The amazing thing about organizations is not that they manage to shoot
themselves in the foot occasionally, nor even that they manage to do it
repeatedly, but that they reload so fast.
-- Anabel Greenlee
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 08:05:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Quickies O' The Day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Scott Patrick <transplex@pol.net>
Forwarded-by: "Jim Rosenberg" <jrosenberg@usa.net>
November 10, 1997
President Clinton on Sunday became the first U.S. president to address a
gay rights group. Carried away by the moment, Clinton shouted to the
roaring crowd: "Icht bein eine Lesbian!" In a related item, today is the
28th anniversary of Sesame Street. "Longtime Companions" Bert and Ernie
celebrated quietly at home in the modest one bedroom apartment they share.
A teenager in Queens, New York, was shot after a federal agent mistook
the Three Musketeers candy bar in his hand for a gun. So remember:
guns don't kill people. Candy bars kill people.
Marv Albert is making the rounds on the talk shows in an effort to save
his reputation. I think he ought to just call it what it is: "Pervapalooza
'97."
Porn actress Dalny Marga Valdez is suing the Screen Actor's Guild because
it won't give her membership, even though she's appeared in about 70
movies. This hasn't come up before, because most porn actresses just use
Charlie Sheen's membership card.
For the first time in 75 years, the BBC will allow TV newscasters to
appear without neckties. They still, however, must wear those white
powder wigs.
Right wingers are mad over a seminar at the State University of New
York at New Paltz on female sexuality which included discussions on
lesbianism and the proper use of sex toys and safe sadomasochism.
Talk like that should stay where it belongs: on prime time network
television.
Theaters are trying out assigned seats in a New York pilot program.
"Will that be petting, heavy petting, or married and fighting?"
It doesn't take a genius to figure out it's TV sweeps week. My first
clue was FOX's "World's Scariest Push-Up Bra Unsnappings!"
A new book by Pulitzer Prize winning reporter Seymour M. Hersh says John
F. Kennedy was obsessed with sex. Hersh is also close to breaking the news
that the Pope is Catholic and a bear relieves himself in the woods.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Allan Noordvyk
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Still, there are some things a big company can do that a small band of
programmers could never hope to accomplish. This was best shown to me
this week by reader Brian P. McLean, who points out that according to his
Microsoft Outlook 97 scheduling/datebook application, Thanksgiving falls
this year on Wednesday, November 26.
Thanksgiving has always fallen on Thursday before. Wednesday may be an
improvement. I don't know.
-- Robert X. Cringely, from his "I, Cringely" column (November 7, 1997)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 09:06:21 EST
From: "Gerald A. White" <gawhite@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu>
Subject: Recieved this from a colleague in Canada
To: spaf
I received this from a friend of mine in Canada. I apologize for the
lack of attribution, but given the way that the world is working on
the Year 2000 problem, I felt a little levity was in order...
=================
A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce the
development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm
data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout
the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a
time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS
expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the
program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her
through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it
was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing
it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle,
she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS
upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has
been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated
with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a
time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a
manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in
MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical
data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we
provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be
retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple,
I just pulled them out of MYASS."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Dec 1996 11:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Ten things that sound dirty at Thanskgiving, but aren't.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@CompuServe.COM>
From: Stan.Lepeak@metagroup.com (Stan Lepeak)
1) Reach in and grab the giblets.
2) Whew, that's one terrific spread!
3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
4) Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist.
5) Talk about a huge breast!
6) "... and he forced his way into the end zone..."
7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
8) It's Cool Whip time!!!!
9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst!
10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 30 Nov 96 13:40:40 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Turkeys in the U.K.
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <pnn.com!millikan@orange.metron.com>
Forwarded-by: <jan@gn.apc.org>
... a Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An american and a UK
journalist were talking to each other about Thanksgiving. The US
guy asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes,", the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September"
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 23:40:01 -0500
From: Mike Monahan <mmonahan@atl.mindspring.com>
Subject: When your only tool is an engineering degree
To: yucks
From: Greg Stauf <Greg_Stauf@atmi.com>
There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer,
a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip
down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the
mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel
might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical
engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say:
"Well, what do you think?"
"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 18:26:37 -0800
From: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Excerpts from WhiteBoard News for Monday, November 10, 1997
London, England:
An accountant who turned into a sex pest after
suffering brain damage in a road accident was Friday
awarded $1.6 million damages by the High Court in
London.
Peter Lawrence, 39, summed up his problems as: "short
term memory, concentration and women or to put it
another way - women, women and women."
Lawrence, of Dorchester, in the south of England,
suffered a severe head injury in the 1991 collision
when he was knocked off his motorcycle.
His intelligence was undamaged, but he was left with
impaired memory and a change of personality which
showed itself in sexual "disinhibition" so that he was
an "offensive pest or worse" when he came into contact
with women, the court heard.
Lawrence, who was divorced from his wife Julie after
their relationship broke down in 1992, tended to
propose marriage and children at or before a first
meeting with a woman.
He could not stop himself making "immediate and
impulsive" sexual advances to women, and was desperate
to marry and have more children before he was 40.
[Hmm, now we can blame it on head injuries.... --spaf]
==========
London, England:
The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition joined an enviable
literary elite yesterday when it was named Oddest Title
of the Year for a book or publication. It joins a
glittering list of past winners such as How to Avoid
Huge Ships (the 1992 winner) and Greek Rural Postmen
and their Cancellation Numbers (1996).
Mitchell Beazley, the publishers of this year's winner,
immediately issued a statement yesterday. "This is
wonderful. We line our pockets and the readers get
something stimulating to keep in theirs."
In second place was The Prostate: A Guide For Men And
The Women Who Love Them. In third place was Method for
Calculating the Size of Stone Needed for Closing
End-Tipped Rubble Banks in Rivers.
The other short-listed titles were: Interpersonal
Violence: The Practical Series, Beyond Leaf Raking,
Attractive and Affectionate Grave Design, From Coherent
Tunelling to Relaxation and Collect Fungi on Stamps.
Horace Bent, The Bookseller's pseudonymous diarist who
chaired the judging panel, disclosed that London,
Midland and Scottish Railway Season Ticket Instructions
had narrowly missed the shortlist.
==========
Bridgeport, Connecticut:
An elderly man with emphysema blew up his home by
trying to smoke while breathing from an oxygen tank.
"(The tank) went off like a bomb, sending flames
through the front of the house," said Acting Assistant
Fire Chief John Currivan. "When we got there, the front
of the house was fully engulfed, a tree in front of the
house was ablaze and the power lines were on fire."
[This happened to a friend once. Only it was Mexican food
and not an oxygen tank. --spaf]
Robert Auger was treated at Bridgeport Hospital for
minor injuries and released Sunday.
Fire Lt. Francis Zierlein suffered first- and
second-degree burns from hot tar that fell on his neck
as he tried to rescue Auger in the Saturday night
blaze. Zierlein was treated and released from
Bridgeport Hospital.
Currivan said Auger was sitting on the front porch of
his home, smoking a cigarette while breathing from an
oxygen tank he uses to treat his emphysema.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 09:42:24 PST
From: "Michael McClelland" <michaelact@hotmail.com>
Subject: YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
To: spaf
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you
smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang
out."
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you
wish to meet, your first thought is to PC her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that
you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd PC
you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8
since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually
transmitted diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23
people, you inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling"
at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask
them for their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely
jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i
should be capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your
sleep instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of
the night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when
they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the
hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name
close to your own.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------