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Yucks Digest V7 #13 (more shorts from the backlog)
Yucks Digest Thu, 25 Sep 97 Volume 7 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
... and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
All NEW Darwin Awards
A tribute to Bill and Ted.
Beer? What beer? Do you see any beer?
Beer Producers On Holiday
BYOB
Classified Ad
Go placidly among the noise and haste....
If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel...
JOTD (3 msgs)
Lines from the Slushpile
Most of them have probably never seen a real nun.
New Micro Radio Web Site
Poetry
QOTD (2 msgs)
Rosh Hashanah preparations
Suuuuuuuuurprise!
Top 18 Hong Kong Movie Subtitles
Top Ten STONES
Uh-Oh, Here Come The JBs
Urban computer legend... (fwd)
We're routing the wrong medium!
Where Do These People Come From
YUCKS
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: The Terminator rAT <rat@cynical.org>
Forwarded-by: John Schilke <schilkej@ohsu.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Susan Polizzi <spolizzi@CARROLL1.CC.EDU>
Subject: Creation
Another version for fun:
name: Jim Newman
email: JimNewman@compuserve.com
The Book of Creation
Chapter 1
1 In the beginning God created Dates.
2 And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3 And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to
work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
4 And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and
Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and
those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first
Work Day.
5 And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had
not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided
from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have
made in the earth; but not too deep.
6 And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
7 And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8 And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
that was that.
9 And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the
Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter;
and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
10 And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like
manganese nodules, for instance.
11 And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
Wednesday.
12 And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now;
and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make
whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
13 And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and
small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet
and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses.
14 But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve
Not.
15 And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth
was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And
the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
dinosaurs and God was pleased.
16 And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took
every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
17 And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt
God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
18 And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
put in another good day's work.
19 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which
is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and
ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the
monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or
otherwise.
20 So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
21 And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which
is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it
giveth you ideas.
22 And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have
given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus
shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
23 And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years.
24 And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day
yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain without the
express written consent of the Lord thy God. The name "the Lord thy God"
is the sole property of the Lord thy God. Any use of the name of the Lord
thy God without the express written consent of the Lord thy God is
unauthorised and illegal and shall be punish by the Lord thy God.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: All NEW Darwin Awards
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: George Schwend <schwend@healthcare.com>
It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
As you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool
(thankfully).
The 1996 nominees are:
NOMINEE #41 San Jose Mercury News
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #4 2 Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend
to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive
shaft."
NOMINEE #43 Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on
his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped
and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55,
was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair
moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak
accidents. No foul play is suspected."
NOMINEE #44 Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside
his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith&Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #45 UPI
Toronto police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a
downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and
plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39,
fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday
evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of
window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing
partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Torontom Sun newspaper
that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man
association.
NOMINEE #49 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla.,
in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of
Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man
was travelling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found
open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
NOMINEE #410 1/29/96 The News of the weird. JOINT NOMINEE
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He
had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a
murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.
In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to
fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. On Jan.
1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but
later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was
electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while
sitting on his metal toilet.
NOMINEE #411 "The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A
Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a
muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was
cleaning a .54-calibre muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He
was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #412 AP, Mammoth Lakes
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities
said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift
towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers.
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with
its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty
fast," said Donnelly.
NOMINEE #413 Reuters, Warsaw, Poland, 5 May 1995
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the
water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday.
The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one
end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage
electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in
Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the
poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment
the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said.
The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
NOMINEE #414 AP, St. Louis
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved
it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE #15 Unknown
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE #16 Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, I'll show you how to set it off.
I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #417 Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 1-1-93
In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to
steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted.
Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen
from electric cables that are not being used.
**********************************************************************
Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still
haven't made it to the "Big Leagues"
UPI, Portland, OR
Doctors at Portlands University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off
his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the
arrow gone 1 millimetre to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut
and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to
10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had
Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed
himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges
have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said
the initiation stunt is under investigation.
>From The Calgary Sun
Saturday, December 28, 1996: Low blow for gunman VANCOUVER (CP) - A man
arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin,
taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was
waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early
yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off.
Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20's was brought
in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to
survive.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Aug 1997 10:50:36 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: A tribute to Bill and Ted.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: Donn Seeley <donn@BSDI.COM>
I went for a hike this morning and found that neobogologisms were burning
through my brain -- an attack of bogomania! I think I've recovered, but
as revenge, here is a supplementary list in no particular order:
bogogony, n. Theory of the creation of a bogus universe.
the Bogos, n. In the beginning, there was bogosity.
bogophany, n. Manifestation of the transcendental lie.
bogolatry, n. Blind, unthinking worship of bogus ideas or concepts.
boghisattva, n. One who has achieved the ultimate condition of bogosity,
but who has remained in our plane of existence to bring
bogosity to others.
bogma, n. Articles of faith in a rigid system of belief in lies.
bogiatrist, n. A doctor who treats diseased or deformed lies.
bogectomy, n. Excision of a bogosity.
bogostomy, n. Resection of a bogosity; removal of a nominal amount of
foolishness in a bogosity. -- bogostomy bag: Bogus mechanism
to deal with removal of a small part of a large bogosity.
bogolith, n. A bogosity passed painfully through one's system.
bogocephaly, n. Condition in which one's head is full of bogosity.
bogosuction, n. Removal of lies from the cranium using a vacuum hose.
bogocyte, n. Cell in the bloodstream that delivers bogosity to the brain.
bogosome, n. Cell structure that carries bogosity.
abogotic, adj. Sterile; completely and totally without bogosity.
bognitive psychology, n.
A branch of psychology, dealing with the psychological
effects of bogosity.
bogologia, n. Brain syndrome in which sufferers speak only in bogosities.
bogolalia, n. Brain syndrome in which sufferers can only repeat simple lies.
abognosia, n. Brain syndrome in which sufferers cannot recognize bogosity.
bogosis, n. (1) When a bogus thing is bogusly revealed to be two bogus
things.
(2) Disease in which sufferers experience chronic bogosity.
bogorrhea, n. Excessive and uncontrolled spewing of lies.
bogonomy, n. List or survey of bogus items.
bognacious, adj.
Obstinately and resolutely bogus.
imboglio, n. (Ital.)
A bogus crisis.
bogolysis, n. Breaking down a lie into its constituent parts.
bognesium, n. Elemental bogosity (atomic number 0).
bogosodium glutamate, n.
A chemical that enhances the taste of lies.
carbon bogoxide, n.
Toxic gas produced by bogophiles.
isoboganol, n. A alcohol present in bogus cure-alls (cf. bogane).
bogosaur, n. A fossil bogosity.
the Bogonos, n. A bogus mountain range in Pennsylvania.
the Bogie-Wogie, n.
A bogus dance.
bogotelle, n. A short, insignificant piece of bogosity.
bogottier, n. (Fr.)
One who makes a profession of bogosity.
supercalifragilisticexpialobogus, adj.
Grandiloquently bogus.
bogs, kilobogs, megabogs, terabogs, n.
Units of bogosity.
bogocracy, n. Government by and of lies.
bogarch, n. The leader of a bogocracy.
bogalia, n. The ceremonial vestments of the bogarch.
bogalitarianism, n.
A political theory that holds that a state must be based on
a single all-encompassing lie, rather than many competing lies.
bogocentrist, n.
One who holds that lies are at the center of all politics.
bogomancy, n. Forecasting the future (of s.o., of a culture) based on their
lies.
discombogulate, v.t.
Make (a situation) confused through lies.
bogulent, adj. Replete with bogosity.
bogular, adj. Bogus in a standard or expected way.
bogulous, adj. Bogus in a way that's hard to describe.
bogoid, adj. Suspiciously shaped or formed like a bogosity.
bogagogy, n. Teaching of lies.
bogophagy, n. The consumption of lies.
bogasm, n. The consummation of lies.
bogotony, n. A steady diet of lies.
bogontics, n. The study of the creation of bogosities.
bogorithm, n. An explicit and precise specification of a way to perform
some task incorrectly.
bogomata, n. Self-replicating lies.
Waiting for Bogot, n.
A lesser-known Beckett play in which Vladimir and Estragon
mistakenly wait for M. Bogot instead of M. Godot.
bogonymy, n. Deliberate substitution of a bogus term for a correct one.
bogolaureate, adj.
Of a college degree, preparatory to a Doctor of Bogosity.
Bogotron, n. (1) A famous high-powered bogon accelerator, constructed
beneath Washington, D.C.
(2) [b-] Any bogus device.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 10 Sep 97 12:25:52 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Beer? What beer? Do you see any beer?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Cochell, Jim" <Jim_Cochell@PenMetrics.com>
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car
so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our
beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the
label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do
the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick
'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were
swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no
officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 97 19:55:16 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Beer Producers On Holiday
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in
the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide
to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud; the
president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite; Adolph Coors orders a Coors and
the list goes on...
When the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, to everyone's
amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask...
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: BYOB
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Alex Lewin <lewin@al2.com>
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far
from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having
a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "I'd like to meet some local folks. Thank you for
inviting me!"
As Enoch turns to leave he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some
drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that
with the best of them."
Again, as he turns to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fightin', too."
Tough crowd, Sam thinks. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want. It's just
gonna be the two of us."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Classified Ad
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Tim Walding <walding@tkg.com>
The following classified ad was in the Austin American Statesman
newspaper, under the pets & livestock; exotic animal section. On
Wednesday; 09/10/1997
PETS & LIVESTOCK -- Exotic Animals
Mixed breed female free to good home. Lazy and sloppy, shots current,
house broken, has license, owns transportation. Enjoys music, dancing &
late hours, seldom is home. Beautiful markings, 22 yr old daughter answers
to `Dorothy.' Call DP# 625-1448. Mother is fed up and wants a clean
house.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 97 16:45:27 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Go placidly among the noise and haste....
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Christopher Leithiser <cleithis@bc.cc.ca.us>
attribution lost wrote:
> Forwards lost:
> Ineffective Daily Affirmations:
[affirmations negated]
> - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
And let us not forget...
Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant
nagging?
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming
my parents.
To understand all is to fear all.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.
My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 Sep 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel...
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: kitt@pixar.com (Kitt Hirasaki)
Forwarded-by: Amanda Montgomery
Forwarded-by: owner-childfree@childfree.net
The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:
* "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
- Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring
all revenues to go into the state treasury
* "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
- Texas Rep. Renal Rosson
* "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and
dead armadillos."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
* "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped
people in wheelchairs
* "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a
person who can create one."
- A. C. Greene
* "No thanks, once was enough."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again
* "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that
Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish
* "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the
charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had
introduced.
* "Well, there never was a Bible in the room."
- Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying
about the SMU football scandal.
* "I am filled with humidity."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on
that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing
President George Bush's policies
* "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to
listen..."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower
* "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing
* "This is a real competitive business."
- A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in
gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded
* "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..."
- Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote
* "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn."
- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
* "Let's do this in one foul sweep."
- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton
* "This is unparalyzed in the state's history."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished
yourselves this session."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis
* "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
- Anon.
* "There are still places where people think that the function of the
media is to provide information."
- Don Rottenberg
* "Which one is that?" "I just voted the way my wife told me to; she
knew what it was."
- Texas gubernatorial candidate Clayton Williams, when asked how
he had voted on the only proposition on the Texas ballot
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 1997 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Well, it seems that this guy was walking along a California beach when he
kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished
to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him!
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The man
paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from California
to Hawaii! I wish for a road to be built from San Francisco to Hawaii."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm
sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up
the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the
ocean. Think of all the pavement! That's too much to ask."
"OK," the man said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychiatrist."
"Make me understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they
really want? Basically, teach me makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed. "Did you want two lanes or four?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New Hampshire publishing house last Thursday, according
to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken
aback, stupefied, appalled, surprised, shocked, rattled, ...
-- Peter Sussman
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 11:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>
Forwarded by: Susan Deike <suzy@canuck.com>
Forwarded by: Bonney Epstein <BONNEY@ti.com>
A gynecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility,
determined a career change was in order. After some serious thought he
decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had enjoyed up to the
time he entered college, would be a good profession.
However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and
he knew that to work on any of the newest engines and be able to compete
with the younger work force, he would have to go to school. So he
enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto
mechanics and pretty much aced the course.
The final exam however, required each student to completely strip and
reassemble an entire engine. So it was with some trepidation he took on
the task.
At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation
and awaited his final grade. When the grades were handed out he did a
double take at the 150% grade he received.
Rather confused, he asked his instructor how it was possible to have a
grade like this. The instructor replied that it really quite simple. He
gave him 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly
reassembling the engine and an additional 50% for doing it all through
the muffler.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Sep 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Lines from the Slushpile
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
Forwarded by: upstill@pixar.com
I know you've seen their like before, but this is a particularly good
batch. At least, I don't <think> you can make this stuff up...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
True Facts publishes excerpts from unsolicited manuscripts sent to a
prominent editor of serious fiction who wishes, understandably, to remain
anonymous. These "Lines from the Slushpile" are the pick of the Eighties.
"Then it's hopest," Dad said. "You mean hopless," my mother said. "And
it's not hopless!"
The light that was Frannie went out.
Slicing the steak in Rena's cozy kitchen, I considered taking another
stab at marriage.
His teacher asked, "Peter, was you annoying Jeanette?"
His organ began to beat so hard he thought it would pop out of his chest.
When Sue and Bob came home, they found their cook in the kitchen, shot to
death. "That does it!" Bob said, exasperated. "We're moving!"
Then, when man's hatred for his brother had ripened like a swollen fruit,
the fighting started and like a bastard child we named it the Civil War.
Thoughts flew like spaghetti in my brain.
The anguish of being selected a human sacrifice, tied to the altar and
about to go to glory, was enough to send the young twenty-year-old warrior's
blood pressure sky-high.
Our days were filled with parties, tennis, and golf. But I wanted more. I
needed dirty hands and faces to fill my life.
"You made Phi Beta Kappa in college, so there is no need for me to tell
you the the debauching of the coterie is an exemplar for every criminally
minded youngster in America--and what makes the cotumacious coterie so
bold is too much menilty."
"It's not easy to eek out a living," said Yvonne.
"Spider Jackson?" I scoffed. "Spider Jackson? He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
She was furious with her bank teller for eating up her lunch hour.
Without moving, she reached across and kissed him.
"Well," she said suavely, "viola for now."
The sudden expulsion of air caused the pouches of skin he used for cheeks
to flutter like sails before a stiff wind.
Dora was pleased as punch to be chosen chairman of the refreshments
committee.
My mind flew back in time to fathom the cause and effect of what I now
had to face in grim retrospect.
Mrs. Rogers said, "I'm sorry I lost my temper, but I was grumpy, and when
I'm grumpy I get grouchy."
Ken's body declared war, and since he failed to retreat until the wee
hours, it painfully assaulted him in an all-out morning blitzkrieg, taking
no prisoners.
The editor sighed. Look at all those Type O's.
The four-story ranch house, flanked by cypress columns, looked
majestically down on Route 66.
It was like an old Alan Ladd movie I saw with Veronica Lake.
Leonard had long ago given up dreams of becoming another Ernie Pyle, the
famous correspondent, Pulitzer prize winner, or
great playwright.
"I'm glad I'm not out on a night like this," Sarah said. "We need the
rain, Sarah," Daniel rebuked her. He picked up the newspaper and was soon
absorbed in its pages.
Josh was at his sexual peek.
Kathy liked going to the supermarket. That was where she bumped into all
her neighbors.
"An omelet for mademoiselle," Jimmy pronounced, "and an 'amburger pour
moi." I think that was when I fell in love with him.
"Why am I like this? What am I like this? I'll tell you why I'm like
this! Because those people at the party are all
brittle, shallow people and I cannot see their souls!"
"Thank you, Robere--you and your gendarmes played a crucial role in the
Gaullic drama of justice."
I knew I had a bestseller in me--all I had to do was plumb my depths and
out it would come, like some literary bowel
movement.
The medical examiner zipped his bag closed officiously. It looked to him
like an open and shut case.
"Os swoh skcirt?" Jack asked when I arrived at the office. "I'm fine,
Jack," I said. "But you know I hate it when you talk backwards.
With her splendid blond mane and her ripe figure, Sally splendidly
embodied the splendor of our American continent.
"Just a few questions," the lieutenant said. "My ass," said the redhead.
The lieutenant didn't like profanity but he had to admire the woman's
spirited quality. It was easy to see how she had risen so fast in the
business world.
"I'd like to know what kind of jobs are open to me," Wes told the recruiter,
"with the Army and the other services, and anything else I need to know to
make up my mind which branch would be best for me." "Wow, you sure know what
you want!" Sergeant Lang said. "I sure wish the other fellows coming in here
were as sharp as you!"
The garage was littered with greasy wrenches and screwdrivers.
Dan wasn't much, Clara admitted, but at least he was an up-and-coming
lawyer or businessman.
Carlotta's eyes dropped to the handkerchief in her hands.
"You know me," Sammy said. "I never like to lay a gilt trip on anyone."
There was an "evil hint in the air," as a professional writer might put
it.
Clues don't kill people, the inspector thought. People kill people.
Dale was not one to mince words and came directly to the point. "Hi," he
said.
George Cohan soundlessly placed his lips to hers and excused himself to
go and fix them another drink.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 10:05:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Most of them have probably never seen a real nun.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Mark Feit <mfeit@UU.NET>
Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before MTV.
"New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, and the Sex
Pistols are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of
it at all.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a
losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey
history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot
Dome.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the
1970s.
They see "Family Ties" as something middle aged ladies watch.
They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids -- on video.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and
threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing -- and
why anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went
to Catholic schools.
So, my superannuated friends, why don't we all get together and feel
obsolete over some Geritol Tea?
[I started the day feeling pretty good. Then I read this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 4 Sep 1997 23:30:55 GMT
From: todd@tj.org (Todd Jonz)
Subject: New Micro Radio Web Site
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.digital.misc
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
San Francisco Liberation Radio <dove@slip.net> writes:
> We feature revolutionary music, radical talk
> shows, uncensored news, and children's programs
Like "Bolshevik Street", "Che Guevara's Neighborhood", and "The
Peoples' Mutant Ninja Turtles"?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 97 02:30:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Poetry
To: Fun_People@langston.com
"Elton John said he thought of singing a version of 'Candle In The
Wind' [for Mother Teresa], but he can't think of a rhyme for
'leprosy.'"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
The game of Monopoly is a lot like life, except you don't get $200 for
going through a green light, and you don't drive a thimble. But wouldn't
it be cool if you did?
-- Craig Stacey
It's hard to think of myself as a divorced woman! Of course, it was hard
to think of myself as a married one... that was part of the problem!
-- Stephanie Piro
No need crying over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you're a truck driver
and you just lost nearly 3800 gallons on the interstate -- then it's okay
to cry.
-- Dan Lantz
Never go to a plastic surgeon whose favorite artist is Picasso.
-- Gene Perret
I was never very good at parallel parking, so whenever I can, I try to
park in a parallel universe instead.
-- Alan Smithee
Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich
and didn't have to work. And also handsome.
-- Dave George
Each year it takes less time to cross the country and more time to get to
work.
-- Mary Waldrip
Grandpa says they just don't make cars like they used to. The other day
he ran over the dog, and twice it survived.
-- Anna Chin-Williams
When they make a credit card for lottery tickets, my life will be complete.
Maybe it's just me, but I think there's something strangely sensual about
a scantilly-clad supermodel.
-- Chris Gahan
One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than
average.
-- Daniel Kahneman
Hunger is the best sauce. Except for french fries, then it's ketchup.
-- Rich Potter
If Mom's on a diet, everybody's on a diet.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Dead men tell no tales, but neither do mimes.
-- Wade Kwon
The person who says "I won't say another word" always does.
-- Susan L. Wiener
If I ever get abducted by aliens and then forced into some kind of alien
school to do alien math, I'm definitely going to ask for one of them
"space calculators."
-- Chris Gahan
You're carrying the cholesterol thing too far if you can resist an
ice-cream cone in August.
-- Doug Larson
When my grandparents arrived in this country from Germany, they were
dirty, frightened, and penniless. I swear, that's the last time we let
them vacation by themselves.
-- Dave George
Definition of baseball: three minutes of action crammed into three hours.
-- Terry Marshal
When I asked a visitor from London what he thought about American
television, he tactfully replied, "Trivia and violence mercifully
interrupted by delightfully clever commercials."
-- Angie Papadakis
You have achieved excellence as a leader when people will follow you
anywhere, if only out of curiosity.
-- Colin L. Powell
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 24 Sep 1997 07:34:10 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
It's a good thing Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address the year that he
did, or else that "four score and seven years" part would have just been
plain wrong.
-- Paul Paternoster
They say it's never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2 am, I
really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed.
-- Nathan Hansar
It seemed like a silly idea at first, but now I sleep much better with
my eyes closed.
-- Wade Kwon
September is National Chicken Month. Now, does that come before or
after National Egg Month?
I think the toughest part of being good at a rain dance is that no one
would let you into their nightclubs.
-- Dave James
I had this weird dream last night that, after a huge meal, I was brushing
my teeth with a chicken leg. Upon waking, I realized that I had merely
used my dog's toothpaste by mistake.
-- Joel McClure
A good title for a subliminal self-help tape would be "Head Cleaner." I
bet you'd sell a bunch just by accident.
-- Rich Hall
I'm convinced the most honest product on America's store shelves is Milk
Duds. Why? Because it's willing to admit it's a failure. It says so
right on the box: Duds.
-- Rich Hall
If you can't get your books or receipts to balance out, here's a useful
term vending machine distributors rely on: "Slug Factor."
-- Rich Hall
Try calling up strangers in the phone book and forgiving them. Not only
will it loosen you up for the crucial real thing, the strangers will feel
better. Everyone likes to know they're forgiven.
-- Rich Hall
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 97 16:57:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Rosh Hashanah preparations
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[As it said in <http://www.empire.net/~psl/Fun_People/1996/1996BQP.html>:
"On Rosh Hassanah (the Jewish New Year), we have a service called Taslich
(throwing) where we symbolically cast our sins away by throwing bread into
the water. ..."
-psl]
Forwarded-by: Fressola@aol.com
[Also independently from many others... -psl]
Forwarded-by: rae@starquest.com (Rae Fixler)
Forwarded-by: mleventon@famsf.org (Melissa Leventon)
Forwarded-by: Bruce Sagan <sagan@math.msu.edu>
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house
lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh
Hashanah consider these options:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Suuuuuuuuurprise!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Rob Windsor <windsor@oc.com>
Forwarded-by: "Jennifer Byrd" <jbyrd@oc.com>
The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's
Contest in New Woman Magazine.
"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the
cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment.
I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a
cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time
a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out
of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came
around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while others held the
can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going
on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with
sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me
out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors." -Linda Evans; Winter
Park, Florida
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of
the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter" -Amy Richardson; Stafford,
Virginia
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't
want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got
to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd
of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles,
grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My
girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for
what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
[Something vaguely similar happened to me on a birthday. I can assure you,
this will definitely turn you off to surprise parties thereafter. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 10:23:30 -0700
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: Top 18 Hong Kong Movie Subtitles
To: spaf@purdue.EDU
English sub-titles from actual Hong Kong movies:
> 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
> 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
> 3. Gun wounds again?
> 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
> 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
> 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
> 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
> 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
> 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
> 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
> chicken.
> 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
> 12. You daring lousy guy.
> 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
> 14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
> 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
> 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
> 17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
> 18. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Top Ten STONES
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck yerkes <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <alex@snew.com>
Here's the latest Top Ten for the Stones, and the historical
one from last tour:
"Rejected Slogans for the Rolling Stones' Tour"
As presented on the 08/19/97 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. "Honky-Tonk Women and Grumpy Old Men"
9. "We Live Through the Concert or Your Money Back"
8. "Come See What Hanson Will Look Like in the Year 2097"
7. "Hurry Before Keith Richards Lapses Into a Coma"
6. "Half-Price Off If You're Mick Jagger's Illegitimate Child"
5. "And You Thought Aerosmith Was Old"
4. "Hearts Full of Song and Teeth in a Glass"
3. "It's Like Metamucil For Your Ears"
2. "Where Else Can You See Bob Dole in a Mosh Pit?"
1. "Under 45 Not Admitted Without a Parent"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Names for the Rolling Stones' Tour"
As presented on the 5/4/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Van Full of Grandpas
9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards
8. Guitar-playin' Geezers
7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran
6. Metamusic
5. The "$140 Million in the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour
4. Cocoon 3
3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
2. "Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper" Tour
1. Grumpy Old Men
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Things Overheard at the Rolling Stones Concert"
As presented on the 8/3/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. I love it when they smash their walkers at the end of a song.
9. The medic alert beepers are drowning out the music.
8. Look! The new guy on bass! It's Matlock.
7. He means, time was on their side.
6. Start me up! I'm serious! This isn't part of the song!
5. It looks like a comet smashed into Keith Richards.
4. Cool! Jagger's teeth just landed in my lap!
3. What's Letterman doing up there with a fiddle?
2. Michael Jackson married? Please...!
1. I can't get no met-a-mucil
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 97 19:52:17 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Uh-Oh, Here Come The JBs
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[The nice thing about the JBs... they'll never come to your door. -psl]
Forwarded-by: The Good Clean Funnies List <gcfl@usa.net>
There's a new sect just for the New Agers.
It's called JBs or "Jehovah's Bystanders."
That's a Witness who doesn't want to get involved.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 Sep 1997 12:34:10 -0500
From: Glenn Smith <gksmith@mail.utexas.edu> (by way of Werner)
Subject: Urban computer legend... (fwd)
To: A Smirk is not a Smile <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
I don't know if it's true or not, but I wouldn't be surprised...
True Story
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
..."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
..."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
..."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: We're routing the wrong medium!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Kevin Dunlap <KevinD@MetaInfo.com
Forwarded-by: James Anderson
From: Michael Dillon[SMTP:michael@priori.net]
Subject: Physical transport media
> Also, larger bandwidth facilities may be represented by volleyballs,
> basketballs and in the near future, cageballs. :)
I'm looking for venture capital for a new laser based technology called
LTM. This stands for Liquid Transport Medium and it consists of lasers
which holographically engrave datagrams on steel spheres the size of BB's
which are then injected into the transport pipes in conjunction with a
clear lubricant that serves as the liquid transport medium to carry the
datagram spheres to their destination where the datagram is read from the
spheres by another laser. The sphere may then be routed down another
transport pipe, or, if it has reached its final destination then it is
shunted off to a government data archive center in order to meet the new
data access requirements that are before Congress.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Where Do These People Come From
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)
1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).
2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.
3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".
4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him he's already on the highway. "Is that all
there is?" I hangup.
5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.
6. How many RJ45 connectors does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.
7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).
8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".
9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.
10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 15:15:36 -0700
From: Bryn Dole <dole@kerouac.incog.com>
Subject: YUCKS
To: spaf
Gee, I didn't realize these things annoyed people...
Bryn
------- Forwarded Message
20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free".
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------