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Yucks Digest V7 #12 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 23 Sep 97 Volume 7 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
A Fourth-hand Report
A joke for the system......
Goil Quotes
Government Official -=- Owner survey
How Not To Die
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
Not worried? You will be...
QOTD - Voltaire, 7/23/97
Quote of the Day
Redneck JOTD
Signs O' Stress
Stressed? No problem!
The Library Book
Weightless Shenanigans (fwd)
Weird (but true) Reference questions
Wgasa Bush Line
Who's on Unix?
Yeah, that kind of covers it.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 02:09:30 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Fourth-hand Report
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Lou Katz <lou@metron.com>
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of
the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist.
"What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 97 19:30:02 EDT
From: Johnsen.Matthew.MB@bhp.com.au (Johnsen, Matthew MB)
Subject: A joke for the system......
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the
middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the
appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the
wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed
shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also
stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair
complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from
the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from
his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts
to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take
him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in
both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight
is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold
wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable
to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.
"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 11:41:55 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Goil Quotes
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Hunt <dan@opnsys.com>
I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb...
and I also know that I'm not blond.
- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart
woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told
me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that
feels GOOD for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was
kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and
a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant
- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under
my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door . . . if you happen to live next door
to an amusement park.
- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's
because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single
- Lizz Winstead
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 97 17:47:25 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Government Official -=- Owner survey
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Gerry Pollack <pollack@conxion.com>
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (TM)
by Jonathan P. Bernick
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official
(TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide
you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product,
we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer
service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will
be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political
influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Other
* __ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________
* __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________
2. How did you hear about your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ TV ad
* __ Magazine/newspaper ad
* __ Shared jail cell with
* __ Former partner of
* __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
* __ Procured for
* __ Related to
* __ Recommended by lobbyist
* __ Recommended by organized crime figure
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
* __ Solicited bribe from me
* __ Attempted to seduce me
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
* __ Have my prejudices turned into law
* __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
* __ Obtain trade concessions
* __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
* __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
* __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* __ Forestall military action against self/allies
* __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets
for future conquest
* __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic
groups
* __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental
exploiters/capitalist pigs
4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Performance of currently owned model
* __ Reputation
* __ Price
* __ Appearance
* __ Party affiliation
* __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
* __ Blackmail
* __ Celebrity endorsement
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official (TM)? ______
If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing
models.
* __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
* __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
* __ Defect in current model:
* __ Dead
* __ Senile
* __ Indicted
* __ Convicted
* __ Resigned in disgrace
* __ Switched parties/beliefs
* __ Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician that money can
buy.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: How Not To Die
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
[Some are likely ULs, but it's good entertainment. -glen]
Forwarded-by: Martin Pool <mbp@pharos.com.au>
Forwarded-by: Colin R. Riddel <crr@gil.com.au>
How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered
all of Asia by 450 AD -- from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire
-- by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night.
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his
reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink
lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really
cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night
he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his
own blood and was found dead the next morning.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking
research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time.
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table
before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder
condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He
made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to
ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and
painfully over the next 11 days.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s.
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research,
Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying
two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed
chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the
attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized
himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman,
a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have
written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by
the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the
same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a
chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in
the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The
chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming
and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing
corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of
organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by
a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick
Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped
dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father
of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them
open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a
rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the
jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack... while jogging.
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and
began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive
coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99%
clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked... and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 10:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Elizabeth Pennell <pennell@deas.harvard.edu>
Some useful descriptions of people you may work with day to day,
but of course, no one from here.
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Michael Preston <michael_preston@cgp.org>
Forwarded-by: Christopher Keeslar
LOVEMAKER V3.1
By Jeff MacGregor
Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1993)
At the prompt, please enter your response.
I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance
program. What is your name?
% JOHN
What a nice name, JOHN. You must be a man.
% YES
How nice for you. Who is your poem for, JOHN?
% SHEILA
How nice for SHEILA. She must be a woman?
% YES
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. Is she?
% YES
What is the occasion, JOHN?
% VALENTINE'S DAY
SHEILA is a very lucky woman. I will need information about SHEILA for
a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. What color
are her eyes?
% BLUE
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Are they blue like
the sky after a clearing storm? Are they the icy blue of the far flung
fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely blue of Walter
Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks? Are they a cornflower blue that
speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?
% THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY
Thank you, JOHN. What about SHEILA'S hair?
% BLOND
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it ash blond with
some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun hits it in
a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold? Is it
the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant
satin of Renaissance cherubim?
% I THINK SHE DYES IT
Thank you, JOHN. Are there any other characteristics we should
mention in our poem to SHEILA?
%
%
%
JOHN, are you still there?
% SKIN?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it fine and
alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by
master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished
silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving
strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
% SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. You must have deep feelings
for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.
% YES
How nice for you, JOHN. What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would
like?
% ?
My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
At the prompt, please choose ONE:
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral | Sonnet | Elegy |
| |
|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| Epic | Ballad | Lyric | Ode | Idyll | Haiku | Help |
| |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
% HELP
That's O.K., JOHN. How do you see yourself? Please choose ONE:
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger|
| |
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| Jongleur | Versifier | Rhapsodist | Lyricist | Other |
| |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
% OTHER
Can you be more specific?
% I GUESS...
Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?
%
%
%
%
JOHN?
% I'M THINKING
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?
% SURE
Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN. A man who lives
and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who grabs great
platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A
man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own.
A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it.
A man with a reckless bent and the courage of fire. A man who sees
beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of
a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him. A man of power
and means of influence, JOHN. A man destined to be the envy of other
men. A man that few can ever understand and fewer still will have the
guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...
Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his strong
stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled with azure
purpose. No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each and all...
Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?
% YES
I thought so. I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an
appropriate style for you, JOHN. One that truly expresses your deep
feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.
Please wait...
To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.
% Alt+P
Dear SHEILA,
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is blond
and your eyes are gray (when angry)
JOHN
Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 14:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Not worried? You will be...
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Not worried about companies collecting information about your
purchasing habits? You will be...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Mr. Jones:
Our research indicates that you have not bought condoms at SpiffyMart
recently. (Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have
stopped buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased
your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.
It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders and you are no longer "an item". (It's
probably for the best -- she consistently buys inexpensive shampoo, and
it was obvious that the two of you were not economically compatible.)
The Postal Service database confirms that she filed a change of address
form.
We at Hotflicks International offer our condolences. As the number-one
vender of hot XXX-rated videos, we want you to know that our products can
help you through this difficult period. When you're feeling lonely, check
out our unmatched catalog, there is guaranteed to be something that you'll
want to purchase!
Order from this catalog and we'll throw in an extra tape FREE!
Yours Truly,
Pat Aureilly, Hotflicks Marketing Manager
ps: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday for whom you bought a
Strawberry Marguerita? Forget it! Her HMO database confirms
that she's had three yeast infections this year and was tested
for a sexually transmitted disease. Our tapes are much safer!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 18:58:07 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - Voltaire, 7/23/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: broder@src.dec.com (Andrei Broder)
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies."
[Yet another reason to like Voltaire. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 31 Aug 97 14:36:29 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Quote of the Day
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Stephen Nelson <StephenNelson@KennedyJenks.com>
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 08:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Redneck JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck yerkes <Chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Alex Reith <alex@snew.com>
If four vehicles arrive at an intersection with a four way stop, who has
the right of way?
The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker that reads
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
There are two kinds of people in the south -- good ole boys and
rednecks. The difference is good old boys may raise livestock,
rednecks get emotionally attached.
-- Blake Clark
Beau and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they
came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said Beau, "that sight sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
I love those slow-talking Southern girls. I was out with a Southern girl
last night, took her so long to tell me she wasn't that kind of girl, she
was.
-- Woody Woodbury
My Aunt Velveeta lets that stupid dog of hers sit right next to her in
the dining room. And when she gets done eating, she will take her plate
and let that dog lick it clean right at the table! Then she'll put some
Poli-Grip on it and slip it right back in her mouth.
-- Heywood Banks
As someone once observed, Southerners will be polite until they are angry
enough to kill you.
-- John Shelton Reed
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Signs O' Stress
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: sterling@cal.alumni.berkeley.edu (Elizabeth Sterling W.)
Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout:
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
"Get off my back, bitch!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
[This captures why I haven't posted many Yucks this year. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 12:50:31 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Stressed? No problem!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: calani@netcom.com (Cal Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jemichae@othello.ucs.indiana.edu
Forwarded-by: Shannon Michael <SMichael@symantec.com>
Feeling stressed out?
Relax and enjoy this new stress relief method...
+ Picture yourself near a stream.
+ Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
+ Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
+ You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
+ The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade
of serenity.
+ The water is clear.
+ You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're
holding under the water.
+ Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
+ What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath...
then ploop!... back under they go...
+ You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
[This helps. But not as much as the real thing. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 13:55:35 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Library Book
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Jim Kirk <captain@iquest.net>
An eight-year-old girl is trying to check out a book entitled
"Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.
Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?
Little girl: I'm one of those -- it's my hobby.
Librarian: Your hobby?! My goodness!
Little girl: Yes. I collect moths.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 15:15:53 -0600 (MDT)
From: "Gary G. Christoph" <ggc@lanl.gov>
Subject: Weightless Shenanigans (fwd)
To: cls@lanl.gov, spaf
> --Forwarded--
>
>This silly story came from Mary Wilkerson (who works at the Johnson Space
>Center!).
> - - - - - -
>The True Purpose Of Mir
>
>KOROLYOV, RUSSIA--U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited
>about the Mir space station project, which promises to reveal more than
>has ever been known about the scientific relationship between
>weightlessness and mortal terror.
>
>"By stranding our scientists on a dilapidated space station with faulty
>wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel
>Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning
>about spaceborne panic."
>
>The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly
>terrified beyond lucidity.
>
>Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board Mir: a June 25
>collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last
>week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the
>periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All
>have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.
>
>"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term
>'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian
>mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the
>SELF DESTRUCT whirling red lights which flood the cabin with blinding
>light while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm sounds."
>
>"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns
>created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov
>said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not
>expect."
>
>Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC
>News
>reporters: "Where is Mommy?"
>
>"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut
>Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic
>government and widespread hunger of my homeland."
>
>Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3
>a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, a hull-mounted Alien puppet will
>tap on the window to jolt them awake. Detailed scientific data will then
>be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Weird (but true) Reference questions
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: Munchkins@aol.com (Dave and Cindy Manship)
Forwarded-by: khennessy@library.wright.edu (Kathy Hennessy, Acquisitions Staff)
Forwarded-by: "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@peter.biola.edu>
Weird (But True) Reference Questions,
or,
Close Encounters of the Referential Kind
[Library staff edition]
This collection was selected from the "Weird Reference Questions"
thread that ran on LIBSUP-L, the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv in
July 1997. Names and locations have been deleted partly because it was
a lot easier to do it that way and partly to protect the reputations of
all concerned. All of these situations are real and some of them were
mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, Waltzing through Grand
Rapids." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title:
"Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at
a desk who had hanging above her head a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95.
Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on
National Park Sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus,
King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of
important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm
having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me
back to jail for a couple of months."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Part 2: Actual Reference Interviews reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.
Patron: "I'm looking for a book."
Mental answer 1: "Well, you're in the right place."
Mental answer 2: "Here's one." (Hand over nearest volume.)
Audible answer : "Can you be a little more specific?"
=====
Patron: "I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot
to write down the author and title. It's big and red and I found it on
the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
Mental answer: "Books classified by color are shelved downstairs in
the [non-existent] third sub-basement."
Audible answer: "What were you looking for when you found the book
the first time?"
=====
In an art library:
Patron: Do you have any books on Art?
Ref: Yes. Did you have a certain artist in mind, or a period or
style in mind?
Patron: No.
Ref: I guess you'll have to look through our 120,000 books and see
if you find anything.
Patron: OK.
=====
Patron: "Do you have anything good to read?"
Reference person getting her audible and mental answers mixed up:
"No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."
=====
Telephone patron: Do you have books on leaves?
Library worker: Nope, we keep them on shelves.
(She then hung up. Can you tell she's not too fond of Reference duty?)
=====
Caller: "I have a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. It's all blue with
swirly stars on it. Can you tell me where I can get it appraised?"
Ref. : "Sir, does it say 'Metropolitan Museum of Art' on the
bottom? It does? Well, what you have there is a poster that
they sell in the gift shop. I think they're about $10.00."
=====
Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth.
Ref: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life size?"
Ref (after a short pause): "Yes, but it's in use right now!"
=====
Student: "Do you have any regular magazines here, or just periodicals?"
Ref: "Well, what do you mean by regular magazines?
Student: "You know, Vogue, Seventeen ..."
Ref: "If we had those magazines, you would find them listed in
our Serials Holdings List, alphabetically by title, and
could get the call numbers to look them up. I don't think
we have those titles, though."
Student goes to check, but soon reappears:
"I didn't see them listed. Where will I find them?"
Ref: "If they're not in the list, that means we don't have them here."
Student: "Then where do you have them?"
(Fortunately, good sense got the better of the Library Worker that day, and
he patiently continued to explain that they did not have any copies of Vogue
or Seventeen at all.)
=====
This happened in the late 1980's:
Student: "Do you still have that great book on current economics?
My sister went here in 1972 and you had it then. It is yellow
if that helps."
Ref: "Anything on 'current economics' from 1972 would be outdated.
Would you like to see something else.
Student: "Nope, I want the yellow one 'cause my sister said it
explained the current situation so well."
She left empty handed, despite continued attempts to get her to take
something published more recently.
=====
Patron: "I need the book with the picture of the building on the front.
Ref: "Sir, we have only Government Documents. Almost all of the
books have the picture of a building on the front. What type of
information do you need?"
Patron: "It is a book with tables in it."
Ref: "What are you trying to find in the tables?"
Patron: "In the front there is a map that I was using."
It came about that he needed the U.S. Statistical Abstracts which that
year had a map with the Congressional districts in it.
=====
Patron: "Do you have a book with numbers in it?"
Mental answers left to your imagination.
Actual information needed: International statistics on 5 areas of
5 different countries for comparison purposes.
=====
Patron: "I have to write a two-page paper on the Civil War, can you help?"
Ref: "What aspect of the war interests you?"
Patron: "What aspect? You mean I have to choose something in particular
about it? I thought I'd just write about the whole thing"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Part 3: Wendall: a special case (Used with permission)
Before I moved to Roanoke, I worked in a public library in Richlands, VA
(about 1 1/2-2 hours southwest of Roanoke -- where the new Miss Virginia
is from, as a matter of fact!). We had "regular" patrons as does every
institution. One of our regulars was named Wendall. Wendall was one of
several self-proclaimed "town drunks." He was a sweetheart of a guy, but
he was an alcoholic. Everyone knew who he was. Everyone knew where he
lived: Under an overpass on the outskirts of town. That's right; Wendall
was officially homeless. One day, he walked through our door, obviously
drunk, but not causing any problems, and asked if he could get a library
card. Logically, the answer was no. However, standing there looking at
him, you couldn't make yourself say it. So we made a deal with him. We
would give him a "special" card that he could use for any of our old
paperbacks (these were items which had ever been/would never be
catalogued, donations mostly). Wendall thought he was really something
with his "special" card. He carried it proudly and never came through the
door without it. He read old westerns and an occasional romance (he
remarked several times that his favorites were the ones with "them perty
women on the fronts"). In the two years I worked there, Wendall never
had an overdue item, either. And he _was_ an avid user once he got that
card!
What was my point here? I think it was just to remind all of us that
even the dumbest questions can lead to something positive (not usually,
but every now and then). A homeless man walks in to apply for a library
card. You know he doesn't have anything with a current residential
address on it. But you make an exception, limiting his choices to
freebies, and you've made some sort of impact on a man's life. That's
what libraries are supposed to be about, right? Opening doors, making
accessible opportunities for people? As I read the thread about "weird
questions," I couldn't help but think of Wendall. Perhaps some of you
have a Wendall, too. If so, take good care of him. Wendalls are treasures
of a special kind! Have a good evening!
Chrissie Anderson
andersci@Matty.hollins.edu
Fishburn Library
Hollins College
Roanoke, VA 24020
(540) 362-6592
P.S. from TG: When I contacted Chrissie for approval on including
Wendall's story, her reply included these comments: "I would be honored
to have the Wendall Story circulate wherever. ... He was a really great
patron, a very special person. Maybe I mentioned this before, but he died
about a year or so ago. I think he would be pleased to know that there's
some sort of Memorial for him somewhere.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 97 11:21:34 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Wgasa Bush Line
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: calani@netcom.com (Cal Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jemichae@indiana.edu
Forwarded-by: MelanieN@ix.netcom.com (Melanie Nickel)
Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch
called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous
open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals,
visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the
enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.
They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So
they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call
the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with
"WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is
history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not
intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at
the time. It stood for "Who gives a shit anyhow?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 15:26:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: Who's on Unix?
To: various
For you non-Americans ... there is a *very* famous comedy routine
from 60 or 70 years ago called "Who's on 1st" about some baseball
players named "who", "what", "which", ...
For you non-Unixers ... "what", "whois", "which", "write" and "cut"
are all unix commands.
========================================
A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes, that's correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX Consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX Consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r you'. You can also 'finger
you'
to get information about you'.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX Consultant: Use 'what'.
Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Customer: Which one ?
UNIX Consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX Consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX Consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX Consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX Consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX Consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX Consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX Consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX Consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make
programname'
when I was upset once.
Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX Consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every
system has 'more'.
Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX Consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program,
it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at
now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX Consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 16:05:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Yeah, that kind of covers it.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: william_krueger@csg.stercomm.com
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself,"
lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her, gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad
about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad
about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
-- Katherine S. Beamer
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------