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Yucks Digest V7 #14 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 29 Sep 97 Volume 7 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
... with some answers listed under more than one category.
... you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life.
Computer-geek wars.
Cruel Comment O' The Day.
Definition of Windows 95
Does this taste funny to you?
Excerpt from Dilbert Newsletter 15.0
Financial survey
Funny for Monday!
FW: News
Hamlet's optimizer
Humor: AMEX (fwd)
Listen to your subconscious, dear.
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Love, Lust or Marriage?
Much better, thank you!
Only a fool wouldn't vote for that.
Putting it in perspective . . .
QOTD
Quote of the day
riot nrrrrds
saying
Secret alien plot?
So, who got first choice?
Suggested Epitaphs
The ladder out of the gene pool must be at the shallow end.
The Ultimate Spam
The Value of Time
TICKLISH TORONTO GUYS WANTED
Very Efficient Sort Algorithms
Well, it's kind of a long story...
Whatever Happened to "File Not Found"?
Sheepish
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: ... with some answers listed under more than one category.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
-- From June 1997 Journal of the NCSA listing infomation
security problems for 1Q1997:
1997.01.02 A recent survey by Compaq in the financial district of London
showed that poor choices are the norm for computer passwords there. A
staggering 82% of the respondents said they used, in order of preference,
"a sexual position or abusive name for the boss" (30%), their partners
name or nickname (16%), the name of their favorite holiday destination
(13%), and whatever they first saw on their desk (8%).
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
Corporate Astrology --
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your
birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth.
Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote
for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your
job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to
avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and
socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls
you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who
the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is
said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You
can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the
latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing
your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization.
Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you
are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut,
have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat,
yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job
for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for
yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in
your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are
destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable
to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of
meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other
"Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior
Manager".
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride
from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents
for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to
play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best
bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Computer-geek wars.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
From: William McVey <wam@fedex.com>
Subject: Re: [Fun Facts to Know and Tell]
Someone started it all with:
> The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter
> is uncopyrightable.
grep '^...............$' /usr/share/dict/words | grep -v '\(.\).*\1'
shows that there is also dermatoglyphics.
Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (10th edition) shows:
dermatoglyphics (1926): 1: skin patterns; esp: patterns of the specialized
skin of the inferior surfaces of the hands and feet 2: the science of the
study of skin patterns.
> Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order,
> as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
According to:
grep 'a[^aeiou]*e[^aeiou]*i[^aeiou]*o[^aeiou]*u' /usr/share/dict/words
so do:
abstemiously
abstentious
acheilous
acheirous
acleistous
affectious
annelidous
arterious
bacterious
caesious
facetiously
fracedinous
majestious
Note that abstemiously and facetiously also contain 'y', used as a vowel.
-- William
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
[ Note that that last pattern perhaps erroneously allows for *additional*
vowels to precede or follow the in-order set. Thus locally giving:
abstemious
abstemiously
abstemiousness
abstentious
acheilous
acheirous
acleistous
affectious
annelidous
arsenious
arterious
bacteriofluorescin
bacteriopurpurin
bacterious
caesious
facetious
facetiously
facetiousness
fracedinous
Lapeirousia
majestious
metarsenious
nonabstemious
nonfacetious
overabstemious
overabstemiousness
pyroarsenious
sulpharsenious
sulphoarsenious
thioarsenious
unfacetious
Oh well. -- jdl]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 08:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Cruel Comment O' The Day.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: GIL AMELIO OUT!
Organization: Toad Hall þ High Octane BBS þ 415-595-2427
From: tony.lima@toadhall.com (Tony Lima)
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 97 12:20:02 EDT
"With the resignation of Gil Amelio, Apple seems poised to enter a new
chapter in its history." -- newsperson on KRON-TV, 6 p.m., July 9.
Indeed. The only question is whether it's chapter 7 or chapter 11.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: mao@mag.com (Mike A. Olson)
Forwarded-by: frew@icess.ucsb.edu (Jim Frew)
Forwarded-by: em@icess.ucsb.edu (Ed Mehlschau)
Q: Who's on the short list to be CEO of Apple?
A: Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 1997 14:20:13 -0400 (EDT)
From: Larry Auton <lda@control.att.com>
Subject: Definition of Windows 95
To: spaf
This is a proposed dictionary definition of "Windows 95":
noun. 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to
an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor,
written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 15:05:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Does this taste funny to you?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Robert Huffman <rhuffman@im.gte.com
Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab:
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does
this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says
exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is
about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an
interest in federal buildings.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 16:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpt from Dilbert Newsletter 15.0
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-------------------------------
..........................................................
Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice
with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
..........................................................
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision
of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity,
selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands
of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty
stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy
that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
-----------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their
bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my
house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to
arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my
walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the
good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have
to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my
time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
--------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can
create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The
characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close
the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil
massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to
go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
---------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans.
This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine
the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings,
much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly
transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You
would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
-----------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred
years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek
model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically,
the future won't be that convenient.
Phasers
-------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times
a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd
zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me
at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It
happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by
an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the
Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien
possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and
I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed
by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to
stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence
and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the
bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's
dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him
barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a
phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean
shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise,
so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and
I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll
explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog,
a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
-------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent
human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a
human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool
to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might
have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would
save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular
design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at
someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program
myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would
appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way
I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people
talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine
during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day
long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush
of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the
look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has
something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone
wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're
at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the
casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by
saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to
the service.
Shields
-------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my
personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also
had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the
Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could
insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs
of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you
unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to
harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like
to open a charge account? Our interest
rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for
new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could
run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself
out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office,
you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that
means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
-----------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such
thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were.
That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the
Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other
citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting
caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually
undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the
sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger
raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Jul 1997 21:00:01 -0500
From: Chuck Koelbel <chk@cs.rice.edu>
Subject: Financial survey
To: yucks
I received this in the mail today from one of my mutual funds:
Dear Shareholder:
This is your chance to enter our SHAREHOLDER SURVEY SWEEPSTAKES! Three
winners, chosen randomly from the returned Surveys, will receive $1000,
$500, or $250 to invest in the [name withheld to protect the innocent] Fund
of their choice.
All you have to do is complete the enclosed Shareholder Survey and return
it in the postage-paid envelope by August 15, 1997. It's that simple.
Why not take five minutes ans start the Survey now - *you could be our
$1000 grand prize winner*. Now THAT's time well spent! (Please see the
reverse side of this letter for the official sweepstakes rules.)
Sincerely, ...
It's an anonymous survey. No space for your name, address, or other
identifying information.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 1997 07:59:30 -0500
From: glc (Georgia Conarroe)
Subject: Funny for Monday!
To: LILLY6543@msn.com, sca@iquest.net, jarodkey@personnel.purdue.edu, KEVIN_EHRMAN@KCFIREMED.ORG, jackson, maneel, walls, spaf
Subject: Good Skin
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The
woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place
suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested
that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate
matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful
beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to
thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 14:18:20 -0400
From: "Schleier, Tom (AZ76)" <TSchleie@space.honeywell.com>
Subject: FW: News
To: "'Yucks (human) (Gene Spafford)'" <spaf>
> After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts,
> spokespersons
> from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident
> which
> has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In
> terse
> statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency
> spokespersons said Thursday "We have concluded joint investigations
> concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation's team,
> separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident.
> The
> accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
>
> OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 17:56:08 -0600
From: "H.W. Stockman" <hwstock@swcp.com>
Subject: Hamlet's optimizer
Newsgroups: comp.arch
As I approach my 2Bth birthday (Saturday),
I ponder what would have happened if
Hamlet had an optimizing compiler:
2B or not 2B, that is the question
2B or FFFFFFD4, that is the question (first pass)
FFFFFFFF, that is the question (final pass)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 97 13:43:43 PDT
From: Allan Prentice <allanp@fancy.cup.hp.com>
Subject: Humor: AMEX (fwd)
To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Forwarded message:
<some forwards have been credited>
Oops! Those pesky typos!! Too bad they can't make "spell checkers" for
numbers....
---------- Forwarded Message ----------
Hey,
I had to pass this along. It is too funny. Call the number!!!! Amex
must have been mortified!
Jason
____ FORWARD___________________
From: Frazier, Greg
To: Mobley, Warren
Date: Monday, July 21, 1997 1:19PM
A friend of my sister's was working for American Express in their
marketing recruitment office. The office printed up hundreds of
thousands of flyers that said "If you want to know more about the
exciting world of working for American Express, please call
1-800-477-AMEX."
Call this number.
[Somehow, I don't think this is the kind of member privileges they
wanted to advertise! Pretty funny. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 97 04:53:15 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Listen to your subconscious, dear.
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Gerry Pollack <pollack@conxion.com>
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I saw that she
had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in
fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay
there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke,
and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me
explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke?
That's a breakfast?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Jul 1997 15:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: George Schwend <schwend@healthcare.com>
Redneck Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene:
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours.
Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
this method.
Redneck Dining Out:
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good
his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family):
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end
in frustration.
Redneck Theater Etiquette:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it
is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective
but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty
appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions:
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, never
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public fountains,
especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 14:11:44 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Love, Lust or Marriage?
To: spaf
Subject: Love, Lust or Marriage?
Author: Shawn Panchacharam <shawn@omegabyte.com> at ~hipc-internet
Date: 7/15/97 1:55 PM
A Guide to Help You Determine Whether You are In Love, In Lust, or
Married
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't
care.
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "I love you".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your kid's
game
starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your partner's phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is checks.
LOVE - when you show concern for your true love's feelings.
LUST - when you show concern for whether your partner is cute and sexy.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on television. And where is
the remote?
LOVE - when your farewell is, "I love you, darling."
LUST - when your farewell is, "Same time next week?"
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is, "Don't forget to pick up the kids on
the way home."
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when all the songs on the radio are just the same old mushy
stuff.
MARRIAGE - when you never have time to listen to music.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when wondering how you will get through the day is something
you try not to think about.
LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does. And
where IS that darned remote?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Much better, thank you!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: walding@tkg.com
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't
you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 16:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Only a fool wouldn't vote for that.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@vix.com (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: "Allen S. Firstenberg" <prisoner@addventure.com>
Forwarded-by: Michael B. Vederman <mvederm@enron.com>
>From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed
in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996, (slightly rephrased):
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells
to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis
Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing
the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 1997 16:42:54 -0500
From: Chuck Koelbel <chk@cs.rice.edu>
Subject: Putting it in perspective . . .
To: yucks
>Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 08:48:13 -0500 (CDT)
>To: chk
>From: gina@cs.rice.edu (Gina Goff)
>Subject: Putting it in perspective . . .
>
>from a private mailing list I belong to:
>
>>I might well have heard it here, so pardon if I'm repeating myself, but
>>Pathfinder cost less than the filming of "Waterworld." Man, if that
>>doesn't put interplanetary travel and monetary waste in perspective...
[Um, which is which again? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Don Fitzpatrick <shoptalk@tvspy.com>
I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child
in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary
Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when
we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of
Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and
to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of course we don't
want to feel too threatened.
-- Dennis Miller, from "The Rants"
[Of course, that's the myth. The truth is that most of use really don't
want that much. Take me, for instance. I doubt I'll come down with
leprosy. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 12:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
I shall never forget my mother's horror and my father's cry of joy
when, for the first time in my life, I said angrily to my father,
"That's not the hand I dealt you, Dad."
-- J.B. Morton (Beachcomber) in The Life and Times of
Captain de Courcy Foulenough
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 97 21:33:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: riot nrrrrds
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
From: a page off of http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~vijay/
One day.....it'll happen. A bunch of us kept nrrrrds (employed by only
one company) will be in a locked, windowless room with a bunch of
consultants. The consultants will be babbling incoherently about the
"infobahn" "cyberculture" "cyberspace" "surfing tha web" and
"interactive marketing." And there will be blunt weapons in that room.
And the festivities will begin.
-Mike "Supernaut" Belt
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 1997 22:44:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: saying
To: spaf
"Hiroshima '45 Tschernobyl '86 Windows '95"
-Evelyne Pichler
rec.humor.funny article, April 10, 1997
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 15:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Secret alien plot?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@Kithrup.COM>
From: The Galactic Funkster (funkster@cadge.midwinter.com)
Sounds to me like you were abducted by aliens just as the movie was
starting. Altman movies are perfect for the Gray's needs. They're nice
and long, so they have plenty of time for the anal probing -- in fact
"Short Cuts" let them perform secret operations on people with surprising
leisure. People going to see an Altman movie have a pretty clear alibi
for the 3+ hours. Plus, most people forget Altman movies as soon as they
leave the theater, so your artificially induced memory gap wouldn't seem
out of place. The main difference, as you've pointed out, between being
abducted by aliens from a Robert Altman movie and actually sitting
_through_ a Robert Altman movie is that you generally remember enjoying
the abduction. This is of course to get you to try and recommend the
movie to your friends, thus giving them more test subjects.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Aug 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: So, who got first choice?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Daniel V Klein <dvk@lonewolf.com>
This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a humor
magazine for nurses:
A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a
nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to
assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, "Shhh, I have to see if Barney
is in there." The child looked at me and calmly stated, "I have Jesus in
my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Jul 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Suggested Epitaphs
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com
Excerpted from Ed Weiner's upcoming book:
"DEATH ... Is Just God's Way of Letting You Know She Didn't Find
You All That Amusing"
See also: http://www.voicenet.com/~macguy/
Suggested Epitaphs for Current Celebrities:
Bill Clinton: "Not Inhaling"
Rush Limbaugh: "Nothing Left"
"Here Lied Richard Nixon"
Saddam Hussein: "Beneath Iraq and a Kurd Place"
Jay Leno: "Chin Up"
Ralph Nader: "Recalled"
Woody Allen: "Mia Culpa"
Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel: "Four Thumbs Down"
Prince Charles: "Never Say Di"
Princess Diana: "Chucked It All"
McCauley Culkin: "Home Alone"
Oscar Mayer: "Home Balone"
Madonna: "Not Home Alone -- Ever ... and Not Wearing Underwear, Either.
Does That Shock You? Wanna See Me Vogue? I Was a Singer, a Dancer, an
Actress, a Phenomenon, and I Can See You Peeking At My Breasts, But That's
Okay, Because ..."
Alan Dershowitz: "Appeal Denied"
Patty Hearst: "Tanya Tuckered"
David Lynch: "Rest in Peaks"
Catwoman: "Using Her Box"
Haagen-Dazs: "Forever In Our Hearts"
DeForest Kelley: "Bones"
George Lucas: "F/X Marks the Spot"
Joseph Heller: "Something Happened"
Jack Nicholson: "One Easy Peace"
Geraldo Rivera: "Finally, the Right Vault"
Hugh Hefner: "Death, Be Not Prude"
Paul Newman: "The Color of Mummy"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Jul 1997 15:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The ladder out of the gene pool must be at the shallow end.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: George Neville-Neil <gnn@wrs.com>
This is a letter from the San Francisco Bay Guardian's "Ask Isadora"
column.
Q) I may have a problem. I recently took my cat to the neighborhood
veterinarian to get fixed. Now I have a huge crush on the vet. I think
she likes me too. I would love to spend more time with her, and I often
fantasize about having her neuter me. She did a great job on my cat.
The way she talked about his organs turned me on. I'd love to hear her
talk about me this way. My question is this: Since I would like to have
a vasectomy anyway and since neutering is cheaper, why can't I have her
perform the operation? I figure that parts is parts and that a vet could
do just as good a job as a urologist. Do you think that this could be
dangerous? Do you think it could bring us closer?
A) I think YOU could be dangerous if this is your idea of a fun first
date. Neutering a male animal involves removing his testicles, not just
a snip or two in that vicinity. Anyway, I doubt her license would cover
operating on two-legged critters. I suggest you look elsewhere for your
vasectomy and find some other way to woo the vet without literally laying
your ass on the line.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 16:05:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The Ultimate Spam
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William Moran <wlm@panix.com>
Subject: Spam Ultimate
From: Jason L Smith <jlsmith@mail.bcpl.lib.md.us>
Newsgroups: alt.gothic
Hi, even though I use a man's name online, I'm really a collective of
between 15 and 20 fabuously attractrive young woman all of whom are
seriously interested in fetish culture, modelling, and hot phone sex, we
also give psychic readings, and have a sure fire method where you can earn
between $15,000 and $900,000, no, make that $100,000 every week, all in
the comfort of your own dirt laden hovel. This is a chain letter, if you
do not send it to at least 45,000, no, make that 75,000 people at random,
you will die -- like in the next 5, no make that 3 minutes.
Although we really don't like phone sex, because that's something which
really classy women who advertise on the internet don't do, we'd be
willing to do it for you. You can call us yourself and experience all the
hot chat you want, for just $5, no, make that $45 every 15 seconds. Or
you could just give us your Visa card number, and we will give you
incredibly hot chat until we finish accessing your account.
Our web site has our portfolio on it, and if you have any questions about
the photographs, we will be happy to answer them -- remember they may look
like poorly scanned photographs from Playboy, but that was the artistic
"look" that we were trying to achieve. We are not into S&M, but we know
you probably are, so that's OK with us. We know you are probably very
lonely and desperate, but that's fine. Lonely men with poor grooming
habits who don't go out much really turn us on, until we finish accessing
your account.
But our real love is the mystical world. How many times have you said to
yourself, "I'd really love to get ambiguous, unverifiable advice from a
total stranger over the telephone, for only $97, no make that $142 every
5, no make that 3 milliseconds." We guarantee that if you are willing to
believe what we tell you, your life will take a turn in a very surprising
direction.
And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to earn BIG BUCKS at home
in your spare time, for no more of an investment than it would cost to
purchase a Rolls Royce, no make that two Rolls Royce, because our legal
fees have gone way up due to those 84, no make that 111 fraud suits
against us.
If you are interested in any of these great opportunities call us at
1-800-IM-STUPID. That number, again is 1-800-IM-STUPID, no, make that
1-800-IM-INCREDIBLY-STUPID, and remember, mention your checking account
number, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, 5 minutes of hot phone sex
with a person claiming to be a woman.
Or, check us out on the web at
HTTP://www.lots.of.free.sex/no.really/its.not.a.con.game/honestly
for the absoulute best in racy girlie pics which probably won't get you
thrown in jail anytime within the next fifteen minutes.
For more information about the mystic world of hot pics and conversation
while earning millions of dollars at home, please check us out.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Sep 97 23:26:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Value of Time
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Fressola@aol.com
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed a class
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE NANOSECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer
And if you still don't realize the value of time...
You must be a Software Engineer
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: TICKLISH TORONTO GUYS WANTED
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Golan Klinger <falco@vex.net>
[The Web page is pretty good, too.]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: territickle@TICKLING.COM (Terri DiSisto)
Newsgroups: tor.buysell,tor.forsale.misc,tor.general
Subject: TICKLISH TORONTO GUYS WANTED
Date: Wed, 09 Jul 1997 16:23:28 GMT
Are you a guy between the ages of 18-23 who is
HOT, TICKLISH, and IN NEED OF SOME U.S. CASH?
Or, perhaps, a new Windows 95 Pentium II Pro PC????
If so, read on...I'm very serious about what you'll discover...
My name is Terri. I am a female college student in the
Boston, Massachusetts area that is a total TICKLING FREAK.
As a hobby...one that costs me ALOT of money...I maintain aumn
personal collection of amateur videos featuring guys being
tickled (usually for 30 or 60 minutes) by a girlfriend, good girl
friend, girl friends, or even guy friends. I am not a business,
video trader, or porn solicitor. My interest is in TICKLING.
I am actively looking for guys to make videos that I can add to
my collection. Guys that interest me are YOUNG (basically,
my age...18-23), HOT (swimmer/soccer/runnerbuilt....on the
thin side...not too "big-n-buff"....with absolutely no bodyfat
whatsoever), and TICKLISH! No sex or nudity are wanted in
my videos. I just want to see guys tied up and mrecilessly,
relentlessly TICKLED.
If you are interested in this UNIQUE (and hopefully FUN) way of
making $$$$, please e-mail me. I need you to provide me with
a general picture (.gifs, .jpgs, .bmps, and pictures found on
webpage URLS are fine...and I have a mailing address to "snailmail"
regular photos, also) before I can make you a concrete cash offer.
Average fees paid:
$125 for a 30 minute video
$250 for a 60 minute video
Money offered is determined by your looks, ticklishness, and who
will be tickling you.
A limited number of Pentium 200MMX and Pentium II Pro 233MMX
pc systems are available for guys or groups of guys (e.g college
frathouses, etc) that make multiple videos for me!!!
Asian, Black and Hispanic guys are ESPECIALLY welcomed and wanted!!!
I have numerous online references that are available for contact to
assure you of my honesty, legitimacy, and SERIOUSNESS about all of
this.
PLEASE NOTE: This is not a TICKLING SERVICES AVAILABLE
POSTING. I have a boyfriend, full cadre of friends, and plenty of
guys to tickle already. I AM NOT LOOKING TO MEET OR TICKLE ANY
GUYS ENCOUNTERED FROM CYBERSPACE!!!! I also do not provide
videotaping equipment, facilities, or girls to tickle you. All
aspects of video production are your responsibility!!!!!
Thanks!!! I hope to hear from you!!!
TERRI
http://www.tickling.com
[Some people have too much free time.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Jul 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Very Efficient Sort Algorithms
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
From: erikb@xs4all.nl (Erik Buitenhuis)
Very Efficient Sort Algorithms
The Whoops Sort - wherein some number of items are accidentally lost.
Obviously, the efficiency of this sort is inversely proportional to the
number of items misplaced.
The Deletion Sort - The key field of each item is scanned in sequential
order, and if it is out of sequence, the item is deleted, relieving us of
the necessity for writing an insertion routine.
Drop Sort, Shuffle Sort - particularly useful for sorting records stored
offline on media such as cards, floppy disks, twelve platter removable
disk packs, etc.
The Static Sort - wherein the existing sequence of items to be sorted is
deemed to be "good enough"; one of the greatest achievements in Artificial
Intelligence to date.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Well, it's kind of a long story...
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
"A Small Town In Germany" by Michael Portillo, Spectator, Sept. 6, 1997:
If you go to Beyreuth [Wagner's home turf, where they have an annual
festival playing his Ring symphony] you must be prepared to be on the
defensive, not least because Hitler liked the place so much. Jewish
friends of mine once checked into a charming small hotel, but there was
something about the room they were offered that they didn't like. They
decided to leave and made their apologies to the elderly proprietress.
She looked puzzled. "I don't understand. The Fuhrer always loved this
room."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 08:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Whatever Happened to "File Not Found"?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@vix.com (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: mathew <meta@harlequin.com>
At 05:20 -0400 1997-07-01, Lindsay F. Marshall wrote:
> <URL:http://www.disappear.com/>
Here's the message I got in Internet Explorer 3.01:
Congratulations! You have just connected to one of the most popular
typographic sites on the web. Unfortunately, you have shown up
completely unprepared for the experience! But don't worry, its no
different then when you actually leave your house on occasion and the
mailman or some kids on the corner laugh at you.
Since you and your "browser" are horribly inadequate for this viewing
experience, we have gone to the trouble to give you a tiny peep show of
how Disappearing Inc looks for "normal" people. (by the way - if the
time on your VCRs clock says 12:00 and flashes please unplug your modem
now.)
I suppose while the rest of us started walking upright, you were still
crawling around on all fours smelling your friends asses or perhaps even
still breathing water by the looks of your equipment today.
Maybe somewhere in your little world you might have heard about a major
war going on between two corporations who have spent the better part of
the year making the web an acceptable place to view these pages. I know,
i know - you thought they were fighting over plug-ins or some other word
you don't understand - but luckily you have ignored most of those
"scary, futuristic" devices as well.
The good news is that we aren't going anywhere, so you have some time
to go out and get up to speed on this whole "internet thing". When you
are ready, you can find all of the above goodies plus much more at
www.disappear.com (That's the ADDRESS you will need to get back to this
site, or what we "insiders" call URL's)
Thank you for your time, and we apologize for not being as primitive as
you.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Jul 1997 01:24:10 -0400
Subject: Sheepish
From: Bernard Matthews <algernon@mindspring.com>
To: yucks
Hi Spaf,
An original from me. I take no responsibility, however...
I have just read that a new sheep, named 'Polly', has been
created with the same technology that produced 'Dolly'.
Polly produces milk with a human protein.
This has caused me to wonder what other products could be
developed. They include:
Trolly -- a sheep strong enough to pull a neighbourhood tram
system
Golly -- a sheep that can sing like Jim Nabors
Drawlly -- a sheep that speaks like Jim Nabors
Lolly -- a very gullible sheep
Folly -- a grandiose version of Lolly
Molly -- a sheep usable as a flotation device
Volly -- smaller version of Molly
[Don't forget Polly -- a talking sheep that likes to perch. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------