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Yucks Digest V7 #11 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 19 Sep 97 Volume 7 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
#18: Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
... and would secretly interrogate your other appliances
... got flattened by the Web chicken.
Alternative to Microsoft bashing
BILL GATES TO GET HALF: You knew it had to happen sooner or later...
Browser Mania
Compare & contrast: Java & JavaScript
Darth Apple
End of the world
Humor from the Net
IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT!
InCom's PowerComp Libraries: Installation Guide
JOTD
Kids, don't try this at home
Microsoft
Microsoft to Change Name
MSNBC / T.W.A. explosion
Netscape bug humor (That might be true...)
open letter to chancellor search committee
The Future -=- Microsoft Furniture
Well, that one slipped through...
Windows 95
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri Sep 19 23:38:54 EST 1997
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucks
Well, I finally found a few free moments to pull together a Yucks
again.
It's been an incredibly stressful and busy summer and start of fall.
As my (limited) free time allows me to, I will pull together
Yucks. Don't expect regularity. (There's probably a joke about the
recall of Ex-lax there, but I won't try to force it out. Er, ouch.)
This issue consists of a random selection from the backlog. I did a
search on "Java|Microsoft|Unix" and then selected some at random.
Several are a bit old, so you may need to think back some months to get
the events for context.
Enjoy.
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1996 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: #18: Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
From: brucep@stylus.com (Bruce Pennypacker)
Organization: Stylus Innovation, Inc.
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 1996 17:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... and would secretly interrogate your other appliances
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Adam 'Ace' Rappner" <ace@pt.hk-r.se>
Making Toasters
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe
six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or
else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb
burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set
of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be
5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on
the MacToaster.
If The NeXT Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would
have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access
in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same
time.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You
would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
Ginsu knives.
If Wang made toasters
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a
toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the
toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy
another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more
orders for the original.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 18:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ... got flattened by the Web chicken.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ray Davis <ray@carpe.net>
Forwarded-By: Rachel Luxemburg <rslux@link-net.com>
Forwarded-By: Larry Kogan <lkogan@advancednet.com>
Subject: How did the chicken cross the road
NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
it and it still tastes like ... chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the
road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer
to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other
side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it
across the road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it
in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully
cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so there's no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's finished, assuming
he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Jun 1996 08:05:48 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@pswtech.com>
Subject: Alternative to Microsoft bashing
To: yucks
It seems that Microsoft has taken enough abuse lately, so now it's Sun's turn.
------- Forwarded Message
SUN MICROSYSTEMS SUES ISLAND OF JAVA*
Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark
infringement against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's
Java* trademark.
Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for
centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that
time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the
name."
Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change
its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but
an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise.
The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored
coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most
newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the
island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island
Formerly Known As Java*".
The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass
island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the
Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it
on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.
Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge
fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal
papers for them...
- - ----------------------------------------------------------------------
*Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the
trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced
to use Microsoft products.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Aug 96 13:29:13 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: BILL GATES TO GET HALF: You knew it had to happen sooner or later...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Jef Jaisun <eljefe@halcyon.com>
BILL GATES TO GET HALF
REDMOND, WA -- In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire
Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will
be getting half.
Gates, whose savvy and aggressiveness propelled his Microsoft corporation
to the top of the business world and made him America's richest man with an
estimated fortune of $18 billion, announced his plan at a press conference
yesterday from his Seattle-area compound. "I get half," he explained.
It has not yet been decided if Gates's half will be taken straight down the
middle or by liquidating all assets and dividing up raw capital. The
question will be settled later this week by a special session of Gates's
half of the U.S. Congress.
"Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half," Gates
instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million
40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. "I
don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
Until everything can be clearly divided between Gates and persons who are
not Gates, measures will be taken to ensure the integrity of Gates's half.
Citizens are instructed to remain in their homes, consuming a carefully
monitored minimum of their perishables and subjecting their personal
possessions to as little wear and tear as possible.
In the event something belonging to Gates is consumed or damaged, Gates
announced he will take punitive action, levying fines of up to $14 billion,
and may even insist that offenders themselves be included in his half.
"Don't take from my half," the 36-year-old Gates said. "Ice cream and cool
cars are part of my half." Gates also expressed interest in possessing
Apple, IBM and the former Soviet Union.
"You know, I own the Bettman Archive," Gates said. "You can't look at it
unless I say so."
Gates's half will be collected via an advanced subroutine built directly
Windows 95. Computer users without Windows 95 will have it automatically
sent to them, with the cost of the program deducted from their half.
Those without computers will be directed to special Gates-owned
DNA-resequencing centers where a special bio-silicate form of Windows 95
will be injected directly into their bloodstreams. Once in the bloodstream,
the Windows program is designed to breed virally at the base of its host
brainstem and to begin working on calculating Gates's half.
"Everyone must contribute to my half," Gates said. "Any number, no matter
how small, can be divided into two halves, one of which will be mine."
Gates would not comment on the possibility of eventually increasing his
share from a mere half to a controlling interest.
Sources close to Gates would neither confirm nor deny rumors that Gates
might offer up to 15 percent of his half in exchange for the other half of
the world.
"The transitional period may be difficult," Gates said. "But it will be
quick. I hope that this time will be remembered pleasantly in the half of
people's minds that remain their own."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 13:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Browser Mania
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ray Shea <shea@mcc.com>
Forwarded-by: "C. Unnikrishnan" <unniks@adder.mcc.com>
> From Network World
Senate demands end to browser development
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) - Senate Majority Leader Ray Noorda
(P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order Microsoft
and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers, saying the
ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the American
economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda
- once a key figure in the information technology industry - claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new browser
versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. "We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the technological
Jones'es," Noorda said.
Noorda's comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of its
Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio from any
laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial, while
versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been criticized
of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race, vowed to deliver
Version 405 of its Internet Explorer "before the next major religious
holiday," though company spokesman Jim Manzi declined to specify which
religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs, author of IDG Books'
bestselling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said the continuing
instability in the Internet market has virtually halted development of
new applications. "How can you build to a platform that only lasts 51
days?" asked Gibbs. "The only apps being developed now are crossword
puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets."
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user
now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the
usefulness of the desktop machine because each "browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository" consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the
touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at
least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
"There is no capacity left to run any other application," said IDC Chief
Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. "Our PCs, in essence, are simply
containers for browsers."
In the late 1990's, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less-
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed
on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died
with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the 800M-
byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX Controls.
"It's a shame, really," said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who
was a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. "We could
have been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But
Bill outmanuevered us again," added "Big Larry" Ellison, who now runs
the Used Cars 'R' Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noorda's call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site
(www.bookem.com). "We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter
of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers."
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 96 13:10:47 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Compare & contrast: Java & JavaScript
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: Matthew Teel <matthew@beluga.com>
I'm sorry I missed the original post of this question and subsequent
summary, but I think this might clarify the question:
>Could a kind soul explain to me what is the difference between Java and
>JavaScript???
Java: A very crude programming language developed by Sun Microsystems,
very much in its infancy, for which development tools available are such
that only a masochistic Unix-head hardened from years of using incredibly
deficient tools would use (enjoy?). It is a platform independent
compiled byte-code language that uses a native interpreter previously known
as Pseudo-Code (and now the savior of the Internet) that produces very
poor performance and that prior to the Java revolution has always been a
cause for ridicule and disdain. It is driven by an incredible hate and
fear of Microsoft and marketing hype of which the computer industry has
never known, transcending even that of the Redmond giant.
Javascript: Developed by Netscape Corp. to provide some kind of functionality
to an otherwise brain dead software program known as a browser. Developed
under another name (who remembers, who cares?) and renamed to ride the crest
of the Java wave, it resembles every scripting language known to man, dumped
into a can, shaken up and then dumped out onto the table. Great for making
annoying little "scripts" that scroll very jerky strings of text in the
browser's status bar so users can squint and try and read what it says.
Summary: Together these technologies will usher in a new age in which the
Web will no longer be the domain of mean-lean browsers that fit on a floppy
disk and transfer highly compressible ascii code at very high speeds but will
belong to bloated, monolithic browsers of 6MB or more that resemble a cross
between a dump terminal and Windows 3.X and clog the arteries of the
Internet with cutsie little applets and animations that look like their
running on my old Gateway 2000 386SX-16 with a whopping 2MB of RAM.
I can hardly wait.
[Gosh, someone almost as cynical as I am! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Darth Apple
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Ann Benninger <ahb@exelixis.com>
Forwarded-by: daz@exelixis.com Wed Aug 20 09:40 PDT 1997
From: Keir Novik <ken21@cam.ac.uk>
Subject: J: Darth Apple
LUKE: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
BEN: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be
Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the
good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have
told you was true... from a certain point of view.
LUKE: A certain point of view!
BEN: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to
depend greatly on our own point of view.
LUKE: There's still good in the Macintosh.
BEN: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It
couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted
and evil.
LUKE: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform.
BEN: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 96 10:13:57 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: End of the world
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com
Forwarded-by: hall@bss.ENET.dec.com (Euripides pants, Eumenides pants
********************************************
************************************************
**** When the end of the world arrives, ****
**** how will the media report it? ****
************************************************
********************************************
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE
PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
------------------------------
Date: 16 Sep 96 19:38:19 EDT
From: "b s. green" <104335.263@CompuServe.COM>
Subject: Humor from the Net
To: yuck collector <yucks>
HACKER TAROT CARDS.
0. The FOOL: a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a
screensaver.
1. The MAGICIAN: a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray
on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the
same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.
2. The HIGH PRIESTESS: a woman holding the Documentation, closed and
concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.
3. The EMPEROR: Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk
vertically in his hand.
4. The EMPRESS: A secretary with a NeXT Machine.
5. The HEIROPHANT: Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their
faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on
his head.
6. The LOVERS: a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an
angel bathed in glory regards them.
7. The CHARIOT: A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve,
drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).
8. STRENGTH: A woman holding the entire design and implementation of
Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity
sign is over her head.
9. The HERMIT: An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its
Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.
10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE: A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going
down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is
sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a
human -- look on.
11. JUSTICE. A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a
delete-key in the other.
12. The HANGED MAN: A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct.
His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn.
His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to
his circumstances.
13. DEATH: A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are
scattered PDP-11s, Apple ]['s, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other
machines.
14. TEMPERANCE: An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the
floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from
her chest.
15. The DEVIL: The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows
manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and
female, are in chains at his feet.
16. The TOWER: An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed
figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.
17. The STAR: A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient
fragile moment of peace.
18. The MOON: A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish
crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove
deadly. The moon shines through a window.
19. The SUN: A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever
applications on a high-quality workstation.
20. JUDGEMENT: An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages
arise, to be rated Cool or not.
21. The WORLD: A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a
ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the
Wheel of Fortune surround her.
------------------------------
Date: 20 Mar 1997 15:46:04 GMT
From: bofh@Empire.Net (Psycho Sysadmin)
Subject: IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT!
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
To: undisclosed-recipients:;@cs.purdue.edu
IF RESTAURANTS FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT!
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to
be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly
in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late
now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup included at no extra charge (will be fixed
with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 1997 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: InCom's PowerComp Libraries: Installation Guide
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Martin Pool <m.pool@pharos.com.au>
Forwarded-by: Peter Barnes <P.D.Barnes@mailbox.uq.edu.au>
[This takes a while to get going, so don't give up on it. --spaf]
Introduction
Thank you for purchasing InCom's PowerComp Libraries. At InCom, customer
satisfaction is our number one priority, and we hope that you will be pleased
with the power of our libraries. Please follow all of the instructions in
order to enjoy a quick and easy installation.
Getting Started
In this guide, information which you will need to supply will be enclosed in
angle brackets, <like this>. Commands which you will have to enter will be
indented,
like this.
You will need to provide a loading directory, in which to load the material
from tape (/tmp/pcl is recommended), and a permanent installation directory
(/usr/local/pcl is recommended).
Loading From Tape
First create and change directory to the loading directory:
mkdir <working directory>
cd <working directory>
Now you are ready to load the software from tape.
The specific device name needed to load the tape varies with hardware vendors,
and may be found in Appendix A, "Vendors and Device Names".
Load the software from tape:
tar xvf /dev/<device name>
You have now loaded all of the software from tape, and are ready to compile and
install the PowerComp libraries.
Compiling and Installing the PowerComp Libraries
Compiling and installing the libraries is handled by a user-friendly shell
script. You will need to provide some information to the script, such as your
organization name and registration number. To run the script, type
/bin/sh pcl/pcl.install -d <installation directory>
Follow the script's directions, and provide the information which it prompts
for.
When the script prompts you for the directory in which the distribution files
are located, you will find that you are unable to provide it with any directory
which the script will deem satisfactory. That is because it is necessary to
order the following additional parts which are necessary to continue with the
installation:
Part Number Qty Name Price
GM-96-3026 1 Goat, male 1000.00
CB-13-2395 1 Candle, black 50.00
CG-63-6376 1 Chalk dust container 10.00
IB-89-3335 5 Incense sticks 5.00
DE-44-8846 1 Dagger, ebon, curved 500.00
AS-87-2319 1 Altar, silver 10000.00
Wait until the additional parts arrive; you will be ready to continue the
installation the next Friday the 13th at midnight.
Ritual for Successfully Completing Installation
Stand in front of the computer. Pour out the chalk dust in an inscribed
pentagram around you; be sure that it is without breaks. Set an incense stick
at each of the five corners, the altar in front of the computer, and the candle
in front of the altar.
Light each of the incense sticks and the candles, chanting in a low voice:
Daemons and spirits of the netherworld
Forces of all that is chaotic and mysterious
Essence of Netscape and MicroSoft
I am coming here to appease you
I offer you this goat
That my software may work
I bind you here
Do not make my system crash
Let the software install as advertised
Place the goat on the altar, and slaughter it with the dagger.
May this goat feed you
Sate your lust for blood
Into it may your mischief fly
Not my computer
Make the software work
For this is the only way
Then spit into the computer's ventilation slots. This will complete different
circuits inside the computer, causing its motherboard and cards to function in
ways that the engineers never intended, thereby making your system compatible
with our libraries.
Reboot your computer. The installation is now complete.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Forwarded-by: Jerry Bowes <jbowes@chromatic.com>
Q: What do you get when you cross Microsoft with Apple?
A: Microsoft.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 11:51:53 -0500
From: Bob Cromwell <cromwell@ecn.purdue.edu>
Subject: Kids, don't try this at home
OK, so this may be apocryphal, but it's a fine tale all the same.
Bob
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@onramp.net>
Forwarded-by: bostic@cs.berkeley.edu (Keith Bostic)
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: Jeff Shepherd <jeff@trg.saic.com>
Originally-From: IslandFlyr
I hate to admit it, but this happened to me way back in 1980 --
A few years after graduating from college, I returned to my folk's home
to retrieve a considerable number of storage boxes that I had left with
them. These boxes were filled with books, course notes, old homework
projects, etc. that I had kept. I decided to weed through them and
eliminate as much junk as I could.
Not having the heart to dump all that hard work into the garbage, I
decided to grab a six-pack, settle down in front of the downstairs fire
place and ceremonially burn four years worth of college memorabilia. I
managed to get through about five of the 15 or so boxes piled around me
when I realized I could not possibly sort through each box page-by-page.
In the interest of time, I decided to do a cursory scan of the contents
to determine if anything 'jumped out' as worth saving. Well, box number
six appeared to be loaded with Psychology and Logic 101 junk so I took
the short cut and tossed the whole box on the funeral pyre before me.
I popped open beer number four and watched the box smolder. Raising the
can, I gave one last salute to those two unmemorable courses as the box
erupted into a roaring inferno.
The papers were consumed rapidly.
So were the ancient contents of the dresser drawer that I had hastily
dropped into the bottom of that box when packing two years earlier. Dang,
I had forgotten all about that stuff. The toothbrush and hairbrush went
up rather well... also that packet of disposable plastic razors, dental
floss and contact lense case and a bunch of junk I don't even remember.
Of course, I didn't even know that stuff was going up in smoke as I sat
there. Just chugged the beer and watched. It burned great... right down
to that full can of deodorant that was in there with it all.
I had gotten about half the beer down when that deodorant can finally
decided it had had enough. What happened next I can only compare to the
scene from "2001" where that Dave Bowman guy is falling through all those
lights with that 'o shit' look on his face. I heard a BOOM so loud that
my brain only registered it as a high-pitched squeal. The contents of
the fireplace right down to the last ash were propelled out with such
velocity that all I could see were a multitude of bright streaks emanating
from a point about three feet in front of me (ala 2001). Big blue shock
wave knocked me back. Spill the beer? You bet. Caught me off guard?
He-- yes. Felt like I jumped on a live grenade? Guess so. One second
I was watching that inferno burn from the outside, the next second I was
watching it from the inside.
The human brain reverts to 'primordial slime' mode when thrown into a
situation like this. All higher-order functions vaporize. Guess it's all
those endorphines and endomorphines hitting it at once. It took a couple
of seconds to get the 'reasoning' capability of my brain back online. I
jumped up, looked at my hands and feet, touched my face and realized that
I was indeed intact. Holy Cow, I was completely untouched. Not even a
soot mark on me. Although I might possibly qualify as a human cannon
ball, there would be no Richard Pryor imitation tonight, folks.
I looked through the thick smoke toward the fireplace. What WAS a 6-inch
deep accumulation of one winter's ashes was now squeaky clean. Blasted
it right out. All those burning embers were now sitting on the deep-pile
carpet behind me. ALL over the room. I grabbed the little shovel from
the fireplace set and scooped as fast as I could. As soon as I filled
the shovel, I'd run to the fireplace, empty it and run back. Some embers
were 30 feet down the hall. I guess I set the Guiness World Record for
"Hot ember pickup with a little shovel" in those next few minutes. I did
manage to avoid setting my folks house on fire, and the carpet only had
one or two real serious melted spots on it. I DID find the deodorant can
too -- it had left the fireplace at some ungodly serious velocity, hit
the wall at the far end of the room and come to rest directly behind where
I was sitting. Dang thing was split wide open along the weld and peeled
back almost flat. Burned black, too. Looked like re-entry junk.
After I got the Fire Marshal Bill stuff under control, I grabbed beer
number five, popped the top and thought about how I was gonna get the
remaining mess cleaned up. Close examination revealed that everything
was coated with a heavy layer of ash. Heck, a vacuum cleaner will get
this stuff up no problem.
Gee, how lucky could I be? I didn't get decapitated, the house is still
on its foundation, I got a GREAT story for the grandkids and the cleanup
is gonna be a cinch. I grabbed my mom's upright out of the closet and
started to work.
Ever have one of those split-seconds of consciousness when you realize
you survived something really bad but you sense that it's not quite over
yet? Well, I never have, but I wish I had felt that way at this point.
Would have clued me in as to what was about to happen.
There I was, sucking up ashes with an upright vacuum. Too bad not all of
them were cold. That upright vacuum swallowed ONE LITTLE ITTY BITTY HOT
EMBER that was sitting there on the carpet. It flew right up inside it
and sat on that big ol' pile of carpet lint way up in that bag. Heck,
that bag hadn't been emptied in a long time. And all that air rushing in
there made that little bitty hot ember REAL happy. Next thing I know,
the side of that vacuum is glowing red hot. By the time I figured out
what was happening, there was a two foot flame blowing out a hole in the
side. It really looked and sounded sorta pretty, like a fighter jet on
full afterburner. Diamond shock pattern and all.
Again, my brain reverted to primordial slime mode. All higher-order
functions ceased and all I remember thinking was "T-h-r-o-w
v-a-c-u-u-m".
I pitched it as hard as I could towards the open basement door, hoping it
would make it to the patio outside. The distance was about 20 feet. In
slowmotion it looked like one of those old NASA films where the rocket
goes psycho right off the launch pad. There it was, sailing brush end
first with a nice slow roll...fire belching out the side. As the
unbilical pulled out of the wall, the flame settled into a long trail of
sparks. The vehicle had plenty of initial velocity and it looked like
a good downrange trajectory... right up to the point it passed through
the plate glass window to the right side of the door.
Yep, I swear this happened as written.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 96 11:13:45 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Microsoft
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: swalton@galileo.csun.edu (Stephen Walton)
I just received an ad from Digital offering me a free copy of "Microsoft
Space Simulator" if I buy one of their computers. I'm guessing this allows
you to believe you still have room on your hard disk after installing
Windows NT.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Apr 96 12:19:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Microsoft to Change Name
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: gsmith@passport.ca (Greg Smith)
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" --
which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a
typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word
"Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About'
screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more
disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after
the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill
Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will
allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about
$50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the
names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft
Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings
has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 96 15:14:53 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: MSNBC / T.W.A. explosion
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Jim Propp <propp@math.mit.edu>
I just read a passage in the Sept. 16 issue of The New Yorker that sent
shivers down my spine, made my hairs stand on edge, froze my blood, and
curdled the rest of my bodily fluids. It comes from an article about
the new Microsoft/NBC network and its competitors (see p. 106):
"... The network [MSNBC] outpaced CNN at the outset, with its coverage of the
T.W.A. crash ..."
Hmm. It's kind of strange that MSNBC just _happened_ to be in place at the
time of this tragic (and extremely newsworthy) event, isn't it?
I'd offer my own speculations on this coincidence, but there's some very
insistent knocking on my door right now and I think I'd better go see who
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 1997 04:15:40 -0500
From: LFrench106@aol.com (by way of Werner Uhrig)
Subject: Netscape bug humor (That might be true...)
To: A Smirk is not a Smile <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
Heard from a friend, upon hearing of a bug in Netscape that allows a
website operator to read the contents of a logged-on user's hard drive.
"That's why I use Netscape: if this bug was on Microsoft, the bug would
allow them to write to my drive as well."
------------------------------
Date: 20 Jun 1995 20:11:05 -0400
From: curtw@vms.cis.pitt.edu
Subject: open letter to chancellor search committee
Newsgroups: pitt.general
An Open Letter to the University Chancellor Search Committee:
Dear Search Committee:
I am writing to present myself as a candidate for the position of
Chancellor of the University of Pittsburgh. While I do not have any
advanced degrees, a scholarly track record, or administrative experience,
I do not believe that these deficiencies in any way diminish my potential
to serve the University as an outstanding chancellor.
Instead of those stale criteria, I offer an intriguing array of
qualifications that I believe make me the logical choice to lead Pitt
into the 21st century:
% I'm cheap. Why reach deeply into Pitt's shrinking coffers when I can
be had for peanuts? The bottom line: $100,000 per year, the standard
employee benefits package, relocation expenses, and a state-of-the-art
stereo system in the chancellor's office. That's it. No sabbatical,
administrative leave, faculty sinecure crap. No social/athletic club
memberships (I paid for my own health club membership on my puny staff
salary--I'm sure I can swing it on 100 grand). No annuity for my wife,
who wouldn't put up with hostessing rich old donors and assorted white
males in tuxedoes for five minutes.
% I'm young. I turned 30 in March, bid sayonara to my slacker/Gen X
days and readied myself for my button-down, wing-tip slow slide into
middle age. And I asked myself, Why not start at the top? At 30, I
believe I represent the ideal balance between the vitality of youth and
the wisdom of experience. I'll be able to relate to the students and
the faculty won't know what to make of a 30-year-old, unschooled
chancellor, making them ripe for exploitation.
% I'm good at reading speeches. That's pretty much the chancellor's
most important function, and I can do a dandy job at that. When I was
senior patrol leader of my Boy Scout troop everyone liked how I
delivered the closing words of the campfire ceremony in a deep and
dramatic voice: "May the great master of all Scouts be with us until we
meet again." I can make indirect cost recovery sound like the
Gettysburg Address. I'll have those Harrisburg lawmakers writing checks
out of their own graft-bloated checking accounts. "In a monk's cell a
candle burns as he lovingly copies the wisdom of the ancients onto
parchments, yadda yadda yadda." I'll bring a tear to your eye.
% I'm computer literate. I'm proficient with DOS, Windows, and
Macintosh environments. I know the Information Superhighway the way
William Least Heat Moon knows the blue highways. I don't have that much
Unix experience, but I trust you won't hold that against me.
My plan is to live rent-free on Devonshire for 10-12 years, salt away
over half of the annual 100 grand in a conservative portfolio of
passive/diversified no-load mutual funds, then live frugally off the
interest income while I finish my novel, a lyrical coming-of-age story
depicting the troubled adolescence of Spock.
Shock the system. Hire Wohleber.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Sep 97 17:03:59 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Future -=- Microsoft Furniture
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: liondog@isomedia.com (Rick Ruskin)
Forwarded-by: "Stephen H. Nebel" <104363.3434@compuserve.com>
August 7, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide
office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named
Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is
a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the
desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base." The
spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair
competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've
asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're
at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot."
Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack
substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if
they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated
that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is
a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops.
Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps.
"Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool
sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Well, that one slipped through...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Brad J Passwaters <bjp@va.pubnix.com>
Taken from the nanog mailing list, names deleted to protect
the guilty:
> I have to apologize for the lack of clarity since I was getting the
> reports from customers. The problem is NOT in setting a prefix mask.
> The problem is with inverse for subnets. From the install notes of
> Windows/NT (DNS and Microsoft Windows NT 4.0) dated May 12, 1996 (page
> 28), under the section 'Configuring Reverse Lookup' the doc says, and
> I quote:
>
> ??? I haven't a clue. I think there is a bug???
>
> end quote.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 96 13:38:50 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Windows 95
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
From: GeraghtyR@scrha.health.qld.gov.au (Geraghty Rob)
Just the other day, the eastern Australian States of New South Wales
and Victoria went over to Daylight Saving time. Queensland did not.
Windows 95 regards all three as being in one time zone.
Consequently, all our email and schedule appointments have gone haywire,
because Exchange is adjusting for a daylight saving difference we don't have.
(please note that Queensland has only had daylight saving for one summer -
about three years ago)
I phoned Microsoft to ask whether they planned to fix the bug, but they told
me:
"It's not a bug."
"Why not?"
"Because Queensland had daylight saving when we wrote the code."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------