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Yucks Digest V7 #10 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 13 Jun 97 Volume 7 : Issue 10
Today's Topics:
"It is just as if he had gone away on a business trip."
(Canadian) Signature Line O' The Day
Again?
Astrological Lightbulbs
Awooga!
Bumper Sticker
cutie
DEC Sues Cyrix, claiming Cyrix copied its lawsuit against Intel
Dos-aster recovery.
for yucks?
Further UK Election Results
Fw: Dear Abby.... (fwd)
FW: Dog Breeding
Good to Know.
Hitchcock's Elevator Story
Hog Wild
Iguana: The other green meat.
Learning to Fly !!
Microsoft Acquires "Microsoft Acquires"
New Jargon
OK, OK, speed doesn't matter.
Political JOTD
QOTD - 4/14/97
Quote of the day
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what they mean to me
Spelling Flame O' The Day
The Adventures of Georgina Secsauer
The Comedian's Eye View of 6-5-97
The History of Medicine
The joys of authorship.
The New York Cabbie
There isn't much of a market for a maimed parrot.
The Year 292 Million Bug.
This phone silliness is a serious business for some
Unix discussion
Want To Get Weighed?
Where do you want to go today?
Why Johnnie can't pass English!
With a moo-moo here... (ULOTD?)
X-header of the day -
You can strap a rocket onto a basset hound...
You just have to like cool things.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 1997 09:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: "It is just as if he had gone away on a business trip."
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Dekorte <steve@farcast.com>
Forwarded-by: Rus Sheptak <rus@farcast.com>
From today's social studies column in the globe and mail:
People who relax in their spare time by pretending to be animals with
which they feel a special affinity are a growing phenomenon in Britain,
reports The Independent on Sunday. For instance, Malcolm McKee is a
computer consultant who becomes Shep the old English sheepdog. It takes
him 15 minutes to get into his 10-kg. dog suit. Another computer
consultant, Bruno Beloss, is a zebra who wanders about naked albeit coated
with black-and-white stage paint. In the past year, he has taken to
visiting busy pubs and crowded shopping streets around his home town of
Brighton.
Moscow performance artist Oleg Kulik is living as a dog in New York. When
he arrived at Kennedy airport last week, he stripped off all his clothes
and was taken for a walk in the park by his wife, the writer Mila
Bredikhina. Mr. Kulik intends to stay in character until Saturday. He
lives in a cage-like room at an art gallery in SoHo and barks at visitors,
who must wear quilted overalls and arm-guards when they visit him, one at
a time. His barks and howls can be heard from the street. His wife says
she is not distressed at seeing her nude husband leaping and snapping at
complete strangers: "It is just as if he had gone away on a business
trip."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: (Canadian) Signature Line O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Practice Acting Kind of Random. Beauty, eh?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 1997 12:04:25 +0000
From: "The Top Five List" <top5@walrus.com>
Subject: Again?
To: spaf
Re: Female Orgasm Pill List
Gene, Gene, Gene --
Have you no shame?? You've once again used one of our Top Five Lists
without mentioning giving us credit, or giving your readers any
info they could use to subscribe to Top5.
These lists are copyrighted material and subject to all laws
regarding such. Not to mention the fact that by forwarding the list
without credit, you undo all the hard work that the authors of the
list put into it. Try to be more careful in the future.
Sincerely,
Chris White
Top Five List Moderator
[Folks, *PLEASE* do not forward things on to me that are copyrighted
unless you have permission to do so. Also, please do not strip off
the attributions. I really hate to get mail from Chris about things
like this. He seems to be without a clue as to how this happens, and
blames me. So, please cooperate? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Jun 97 21:49:05 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Astrological Lightbulbs
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: TomRawson@aol.com
Forwarded-by: stacysch@microsoft.com (Stacy Schoolfield)
What's your sign? How many of you does it take to change a lightbulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is
useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who
is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through
the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get
a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is
that OK with you?
Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Jun 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Awooga!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: Neil Rest <NeilRest@tezcat.com>
From: strata@Synopsys.COM
Date: Thu, 15 May 97 19:32:58 PDT
Subject: awooga!
Today in Project Management Class our instructor told the following story:
I was teaching a class up in the TriCities area, at Hanford to be precise,
a few years ago. They're a little more strict about visitors than you
are here, much more strict in fact. One of the requirements was you had
to read the safety booklet and sign off that you'd read it. Luckily, it
was very thin and fairly standard, I was flipping through it and came to
this table in the back. It was titled something like "alert sounds you
may hear and their meanings".
The table had a multi-column format with labels like "alert sound",
"event", "action", and all the sounds were described phonetically. They
actually had phone numbers you could call on the interoffice phones to
listen to the real sound, too, but that's beside the point. There were
four or five of these alert sounds in the table, and on the last one the
sound was labelled "awooga". The event field was blank, though, and the
action field contained only the single word "Run."
I looked up and saw the person from Safety standing there and before I
even opened my mouth she said, "I know what you're going to ask, everyone
wants to ask the same thing. All I can tell you is that it won't
accomplish anything but will make you feel better in whatever little time
you have left to you."
=====
And I thought some of the shops *I* consulted for were bad news -- yow!!!
[Some time ago, I visited a DoE site that had a similar set of siren
warnings and things to do. Besides the alarms for fire, flood,
tornado, etc there was a 13th warning. "Run" was also the
recommendation. However, it further modified the statement by "if you
see a blue glow, or feel significant static charge, run in the other
direction." I was quite happy to leave later in the day without
undue incident. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 May 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Bumper Sticker
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Paul Brown <brown@illustra.com>
So many idiots... So few comets
------------------------------
Date: 10 Jun 97 04:32:27 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: "Jim Littlefield" <little@ragnarok.hks.com>
How should a revision level be interpreted? Here's a quick guide
for anyone short of a clue:
0.1 WE GOT A REALLY GREAT NEW WAY TO DO THINGS !!!
<0.9 Not ready for prime time.
0.9 We think it works, but we won't bet our lives on it.
1.0 Management is on our case; seems like a low risk.
1.01 Okay, we knew about that. All known bugs are fixed.
1.02 Fixes bugs you won't see in 27,000 years, i.e. more than
three times the age of the universe.
1.03 Fixes bugs in the bug fixes.
1.04 All right, this REALLY fixes all known bugs.
1.05 Fixes bugs introduced in rev 1.04.
1.1 A new crew hired to write documentation.
1.11 From now on, no comma after "i.e." or "e.g.".
1.2 Somebody actually changed a functional feature.
2.0 New crew hired to write software. Old crew blamed for bugs.
2.01 New crew sending out resumes to placement agencies.
3.0 Re-write the software in another language, go back ten squares.
... return to line 0.1
-- eee@netcom.com (Mark Thorson)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 May 1997 08:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: DEC Sues Cyrix, claiming Cyrix copied its lawsuit against Intel
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Lloyd Wood <L.Wood@surrey.ac.uk>
From: tcmay@got.net (Tim May)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.intel, comp.sys.dec
Saw this item on the alternate news channel:
MAYNARD, Massachussetts, May 14 (Reuter) - Digital Equipment Corporation
said Wednesday that it had filed a lawsuit against Cyrix Corp claiming
that Cyrix had illegally copied Digital's plans for suing Intel in order
to make up for having lost out to Intel in the market.
Robert Palmer, former British pop singer and now President of Digital,
was quoted as saying, "We don't mind competing with other lawyers, but
when those lawyers are imitating our style, well, that's just not fair."
Cyrix had no immediate comment, but analysts noted that Cyrix may agree
to a settlement with Digital, unless the legal teams hired by each company
can find some good ways to draw out the process for many years.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 1997 08:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Dos-aster recovery.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: daveb@kernel.austin.ibm.com
>From a yahoo search on disk recovery (don't ask), I found this cute
description:
| Computer Solutions' Hard Drive division has experience in Hard disk
| data recovery and repair. We've fixed drives hit by lightning, floods
| and even Dos 6.2.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 1997 21:18:07 PDT
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: for yucks?
To: spaf
So, here I am surfing for chapter epigrams for my book, and I come across
this wonderfully out-of-context line in a page of altavista results:
Here is a collection of quotes, reviews, and references of and to
DragStrip testimonials from people not associated with Natural
Intelligence.
The URL is http://www.roaster.com/pages/products/dragstrip/quotes.html
[Sadly, I've met a lot of people not associated with natural intelligence,
and they aren't related to that URL at all.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 10:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Further UK Election Results
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Roman Gollent <roman@portal.stwing.upenn.edu>
From: Peter Cox <coxp@swissbank.com>
You may have heard that there was a general election in the United Kingdom
last week. You may not have heard the full story. In addition to the 10
parties which won seats, a further one hundred and fifty-eight parties
presented candidates. Some are from the left or the right, some are based
on special local issues, some are an anarchic strike against the system,
some are different...
I have listed below the parties which seem most interesting to me, with
results for some constituencies. My apologies for any omissions or counting
errors.
21st Century Independent Foresters (Forest of Dean, 80 votes)
All Night Party (Hayes & Harlington, 135
votes)
Berties Party (Warwickshire North, 178
votes)
Black Haired Medium Build Caucasian Male (St Ives, 71 votes)
Common Sense Sick of Politicians Party (Blackburn, 362 votes)
Glow Bowling Party (total of 711 votes in 5
constituencies)
Happiness Stan's Freedom to Party Party (Putney, 101 votes)
Hemp Coalition (Cities of London & Westminster,
112 votes)
Juice Party (Tatton, 73 votes)
Legalise Cannabis Party (Norwich South, 765 votes)
Logic Party Truth Only Allowed (Hertford, 126 votes)
Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One Party (Tatton, 128 votes)
Monster Raving Loony Party (total of 7906 votes in 25
constituencies)
None of the Above Parties (Hackney North, 368 votes)
People in Slough Shunning Useless Politicians (Slough, 227 votes)
Rainbow Dream Ticket Party (total of 3223 votes in 25
constituencies)
Renaissance Democrat (Putney, 7 votes)
Rizz Party (several constituencies
including Hampstead, 101
votes)
Ronnie the Rhino Party (Leeds North West, 232 votes)
Route 66 Party Posse Party (Swindon South, 181 votes)
The Mongolian Barbeque Great Place to Party (Wimbledon, 112 votes)
Sub-genius Party (Brighton Pavillion, 125
votes)
Teddy Bear Alliance Party (Kensington, 218 votes for
candidate Edward Bear)
(For those unacquainted with the British electoral system, the country is
divided into 659 parliamentary constituencies, each with about 50000 to
80000 people eligible to vote. This time 71% of electors actually voted,
and the winning candidates usually received 15000 to 30000 votes. The votes
listed above may seem insignificant, but in one constituency, Winchester,
the Liberal candidate won the seat from the Conservatives by 2 votes.)
Collated by Steve Houghton <ambrosia@mail.telepac.pt> from data in The
Guardian newspaper, 3 May 1997.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 11:19:49 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: Fw: Dear Abby.... (fwd)
To: spaf
>From the Queen of jokes ...
Forwarded message:
>From Rong.Ye@faa.dot.gov Tue Jun 10 10:27 EDT 1997
------------------
Funny Letters to Dear Abby
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?-- CURIOUS
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate
doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause.
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief
petting officer.
DEAR ABBY: Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
years ago and he is a doctor.
DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years.We see each
other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can
get?-- GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?
DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my
own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he
has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get
some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He
says he's saving for a rainy day.-FORTY YEARS HITCHED
DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd
like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd
like?-CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.
DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?-- KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.
DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a
ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby
this big be that early? --WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?-- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.
DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the
same time?-- JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.
DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's
still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My
dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't
know what to do with it.
DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I
can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?-- SAM IN
CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.
DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?-- TED
DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've
heard a lot about you"?-- RITA
DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.
DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age
with no bad habits.-ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.
DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?-- BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and day.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 1997 17:02:36 -0400
From: "Schleier, Tom (AZ76)" <TSchleie@space.honeywell.com>
Subject: FW: Dog Breeding
To: spaf
>From: "IN%\"greg.eslinger@tempe.vlsi
>Subject: Dog Breeding
>Date: Tuesday, June 10, 1997 12:24PM
>
>Dog Breeding Made Absurd
>
>Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that
>philandering ex-husband
>
>Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
>
>Pointer x Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
>
>Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
>
>Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
>
>Pekinese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
>
>Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh
>and clean as a whistle
>
>Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice
>of research scientists
>
>Ne'wfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
>advisors
>
>Terrier x Bulldog = Terri bull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
>
>Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
>
>Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter
>anyway
>
>Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
>
>Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
>
>
>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Good to Know.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
Forwarded-by: Brian Kelly <bkelly@sulaco.com>
Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine:
Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is
this true, or even partially true?
A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals
in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat.
So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need
to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of
Guinness.
NIGEL GOODWIN
University of Nottingham
[Sounds good to me! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Hitchcock's Elevator Story
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E. Patrick)
"Well, it was a quite shocking, I must say -- there was blood
everywhere!" Alfred Hitchcock began suddenly from the rear of the
elevator. We were in the New York St. Regis Hotel, heading down to the
lobby. There was as light flush to his cheeks from the several frozen
dauquiris he had just drunk in his suite. The elevator had just stopped
and 3 people dressed for the evening had joined us, and immediately Mr.
Hitchcock had started to speak, sounding as though he were in midsentence
and projecting in that careful and familiar TV tone of his.
He went on, "There was as stream of blood coming from his ear
and another from his mouth.
The people had recognized him immediately, but now they seemed
purposely to avoid looking at him. He went right on, gazing beatifically
ahead of him as the elevator stopped again and another well-dressed couple
came aboard: "Of course, there was a huge pool of blood on the floor and
his clothes were spattered with it -- Oh, it was a horrible mess."
No one on the elevator, it seemed, was breathing. "Blood all
around! Well, I looked at the poor man and and I said, 'Good God, What
happened to you?'" At that point the elevator doors opened onto the lobby,
and Hitchcock said, "Do you know what he told me?" and then paused. After
a moment, and quite reluctantly, the other passengers moved out of the
elevator and then looked back at the director as we walked away.
After several foggy moments, I asked, "Well, what DID he say?"
and Hitchcock smiled benevolently, taking my arm, and said, "Oh,
nothing -- that's just my elevator story."
-- Peter Bogdonavich, in April Harper's Magazine
[Everybody should have a good elevator story. That, or simply stand
there with crossed eyes and mumble "I must find a new host body."
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 97 13:42:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Hog Wild
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Forwarded-by: Robert Stockton <rfsesq@nerc1.nerc.com>
[An oldie, but one I haven't send to Yucks... --spaf]
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle -- always wanted
a nice big hog -- so he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,
and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic
Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find
the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This
bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in
such good shape."
"Well," said the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the
bike is outside and it's going to rain, to rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't
need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the
buyer a huge tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike
over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents'
house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will
make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend
grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says," I have to tell you something about my parents before we
go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk, because the person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says, and in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right
smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In
the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes.
In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. He
reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on
the dinner table. Of course, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks to himself. So he grabs his girlfriend's
mom and has his way with her right there on the dining room floor. Again,
no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, and
decides he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from
his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll
do the dishes!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Iguana: The other green meat.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: Martin Olson <MOLSON@cerner.com>
Slogans That Never Quite Caught On:
Microsoft:
How much are you going to pay today?
Eggs:
The Incredible Edible Ovum.
MTV:
Loud and easy to spell.
Saks 5th Avenue:
You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid.
Iguana:
The other green meat.
Nike: Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!
Daisy Air Rifles:
Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.
Canon Photocopiers:
Quit calling them Xerox machines, dammit!
Pepto Bismol:
Squash the Squirts!
Trojans:
Just add meat.
Apple MacIntosh:
Hey, we thought of it first!
Radio Shack:
You've got questions, we've got geek losers!
Professional Bowling on NBC:
Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 09:16:49 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Learning to Fly !!
To: spaf
Author: Shawn Panchacharam <shawn@omegabyte.com> at ~HIPC-INTERNET
> On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
> in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
> parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess,
> flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the
> coffee.
>
> When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
> and bawls "and get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset,the girl
> comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
> Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach
> "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick
> your ass".
>
> Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
> out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
> the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a
> ballsy bastard!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Microsoft Acquires "Microsoft Acquires"
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that it, like
thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of
Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in
recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent
announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year
1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced
today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft
Acquires" announcements.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 16:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: New Jargon
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Michael Preston <michael_preston@cgp.org>
New Jargon 97-06-03 15:56:01
You can't be cool if you're using outdated lingo. Here's the latest from
the corporate and Silicon Valley jungles. From subscriber Mora Chartrand
(via "Jargon Watch" by Gareth Branwyn "a dictionary for the jitterati")...
Batmobiling
Putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that
covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he
started batmobiling".
beepilepsy
Aflicts those with vibrating pagers characterized by sudden
spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.
betamaxed
When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but
better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple
right out of the market".
blowing your buffer
Losing your train of thought.
cobweb
A WWW site that never changes.
Elvis year
The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's
Elvis year".
generica
Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so
lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was".
going postal
Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went
on shooting rampages.
high dome
Egghead, scientist, PhD.
irritainment
Annoying but you can't stop watching e.g., the O.J. trial.
meatspace
The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon
community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL".
percussive maintenance
The fine art of whacking a device to get it working.
prairie dogging
In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and
everyone pops up to look.
ribs 'n' dick
A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're
supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades".
salmon day
Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.
siliwood
The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers;
also "hollywired".
square headed girlfriend (boyfriend)
Computer.
treeware
Manuals and documentation.
umfriend
Sexual relationship as in "this is Dale, my... um... friend".
world wide wait
WWW.
yuppie food coupons
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 May 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: OK, OK, speed doesn't matter.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Golan Klinger <falco@vex.net>
Amit Raam wrote:
I was just reading a book about chaos. In it, it mentions a mathematician
who did ground breaking work in Chaos theory using his computer which did
a blazing six floating point operations per second. My computer does 120
million. I haven't discovered shit.
[Maybe he's looking in the wrong places? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Political JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: Gareth Evans <gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com>
From: Rebecca.A.Lee@Dartmouth.EDU Mon Jun 2 21:49 BST 1997
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 97 14:45:57 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - 4/14/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: gosner@ainet.com (george osner)
Forwarded-by: mtaylor@melbourne.DIALix.oz.au (Matthew Taylor)
"He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
The Tokyo school board has suspended a teacher for ordering two
students on a camping trip to disembowel themselves because they had
brought along candies but not offered to share. He beat the students
with a tent-pole when they refused to commit hara-kiri, and had to be
restrained by colleagues when he fashioned a noose from a rope. A
board official said the suspension was imposed because "we wish to make
it clear that ordering students to commit hara-kiri is no longer
acceptable."
- reported in The Globe and Mail, page A22, April 14, 1997, taken from
a story in the Times of London
[Humph! Maybe not acceptable at *their* school.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 May 1997 10:19:37 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@pswtech.com>
Subject: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what they mean to me
To: yucks
After my last Yucks contribution, where I failed to properly attribute a
forwarded message (even though the attribution was not forwarded to me), I'm
including all headers for this message. Anyway, this .sig gives new meaning
to the word 'respect':
> From: blh@NOSPAM@texas.net (Brett Hawn)
> Subject: Re: THINK BEFORE YOU POST
> Newsgroups: austin.general
> Date: 24 May 1997 21:33:19 GMT
> Organization: Texas Networking, Inc.
> Reply-To: blh@nospam.texas.net
> A dog is just a dog, until he's got your privates
> in his teeth, then he's Mr. Dog
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Jun 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Spelling Flame O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Bennett Todd <bet@rahul.net>
Newsgroups: a2i.lists.firewalls
From: proff@suburbia.net
Subject: Re: Group for network penetration testing
X-To: martinw@epcorp.com (Martin C. Walker)
Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 14:03:33 +1000 (EST)
> Hi all,
>
> I'm looking for a professional commercial outfit who can do
> some network penetration testing on my corporate WAN.
>
> Does anybody have any recommendations ? I am looking for an
> outfit that is established, precessional and has some good
> references.
We here at Security Analytics specialise in precessions. Our
software orbits such luminaries the M31 dark-matter starwall.
Our company's stocks perihilionate on a 22-year cycle and are
now on the outward curve. The records of our success are
manifest, monostropic, but not altogether manical. In short in
matters of security, periodical and precessional we have the
very model of the modern security professional.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Jun 97 23:02:44 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Adventures of Georgina Secsauer
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
Forwarded by: "Dempsey, Cass L" <C4LDEMP@msg.PacBell.COM>
"I once taught a class that included a student named Georgina Secsauer.
One day someone from the office popped in the door and asked 'Is there a
Secsauer in this class?' One of the students promptly responded, 'Hell no!
We don't even get a coffee break!'"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 97 04:55:59 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's Eye View of 6-5-97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Excerpted-from: 6-5-97--ShopTalk
Thursday June 5, 1997
"What seemed like a wonderful idea could explode in your face. Use your
personality, wit, and charm to cool down a problem. If possible, work
on diplomacy and peace."
- Tim McVeigh's Horoscope for Monday, June 2, the day he was found
guilty in the Murrah bombing case. As published in the Denver Post.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 05 Jun 1997 08:31:22 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@pswtech.com>
Subject: The History of Medicine
To: yucks
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Thu, 5 Jun 1997 06:58:08 -0400
From: "Camilo R. Mercado" <CMercado@compuserve.com>
Subject: FW: Humor Mill [9]
>
>A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
>
>"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
> 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
> 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
> 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
> 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
> 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
> 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The joys of authorship.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
To wish to meet an author personally because you have admired his work is
as unwise as to want to meet a goose because you like pate de foie gras.
-- Arthur Koestler
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 97 17:09:34 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The New York Cabbie
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.nyu.edu>
Forwarded-by: David Pramer <PRAMER@ORSP.Rutgers.edu>
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were on ninth avenue in New
York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed
several wildly-dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point
the daughter asked her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting
for by that corner?", to which the mother replied, "Those ladies are waiting
for their husbands to come home from work, dear."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth, fer crying out loud!
They're hookers!"
An angry silence settled on the speeding cab, broken by the daughter asking,
"Mummie, do the, er, hookers have any children?" The mother calmly replied,
"Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: There isn't much of a market for a maimed parrot.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Nadeen Ahmed <Nadeen_Ahmed/Kan/Mitel@MITELGW1.Mitel.COM>
So, it seems this guy is having marital problems. He and the
wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes
to a pet store thinking a pet might help. As he wanders down
the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he
wonders out loud, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
Swiveling his head, the parrot replies, "With my prick!"
Startled, the man says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot!"
"I'm a very well educated bird. I can discuss politics, sports,
religion, any subject you want!"
"You sound like just what I was looking for! How much do you
cost?"
"Well, there's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you
offer the proprietor $20, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three a few months things go great. When
he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home
from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in, and shut
the door -- we have to talk."
"What's up, little buddy?"
"I don't know how to tell you this, but a man came to the door today,
and, well... your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her!
"Oh, no!"
"Then, well, he fondled her breasts."
"He did?"
"Then he pulled her negligee up and started sucking on her breasts."
"I'll kill her! My God, what happened next?"
"Well," the parrot replies, "I don't know. I got a hardon and fell
off my perch."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The Year 292 Million Bug.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@swip.net>
Forwarded-By: eri@swip.net (Jorgen Ericsson)
Forwarded-By: Claes Magnusson <claes.magnusson@mm.se>
<http://java.sun.com/pr/1997/may/pr970513-01.html>:
Sun Microsystems Inc. today acknowledged the Year 292 Million Bug in
the Java computer language, which could cause problems for Social
Security recipients and millions of other computer-dependent users in
292271023 A.D.
Dr. James Gosling, the inventor of Java, divulged the problem and
hastened to add that a team of specialists is now at work attempting
to solve the problem sometime within the next 292,271 millennia.
"We can't be certain Java will be around that long," said Gosling,
inventor of Java. "But then again, we can't take any chances. Two
hundred and ninety two million-plus years may seem like a long time
for a species. But relatively speaking, in astronomical terms, it's
nothing." Added Gosling, "I don't mean to brag, but Java is taking on
a life of its own. We do see it as the computing platform of the 21st
century and well beyond."
For more information contact Lisa Poulson at lisa.poulson@eng.sun.com
or 408-343-1630.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Jun 97 22:31:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: This phone silliness is a serious business for some
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: Sapoznik@aol.com
If you have a moment call (800) 672-2754 and
then press either 1 or 2 as directed (I prefer 2).
[me 2 - psl]
[I like #2 -- spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 Jun 1997 11:11:34 GMT
From: bertha@polly.mhn.org (That Funky Chick)
Subject: Unix discussion
To: spaf
On Tue, 3 Jun 1997 22:57:18 -0400, "Graham Mainwaring" <graham@mhn.org> wrote:
> By the way, when will some unix head do "knit" (or was that already
there
> to provide the precedent for "perl"?)
I suppose knit must have been the initial release, but the first major
revision was renamed to perl. Hence we would have knit 1, perl 2.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Jun 97 22:14:32 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Want To Get Weighed?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Alex Kreis <akreis@us.oracle.com>
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what
she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked
at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at
one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked
Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back
to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After
they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get
weighed!" she said again.
Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the
evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening
went.
"Wousy!" Rose replied.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Jun 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Where do you want to go today?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: Chris Mealy <mookie@amazon.com>
Where do you want to go today?
Straight to hell, apparently.
The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral
music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the
Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The
commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go
today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a very cool effect.
But if you dig a little deeper...
As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem
Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where
do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis, flammis
acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded, and
consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go
today.
Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade
to purgatory is pretty steep.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Jun 97 00:34:25 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Why Johnnie can't pass English!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: jeant@olympus.net (Jean Tenenbaum)
Forwarded-by: "O'Hara" <n7lxo@olympus.net>
From: The Independent
Posed from a British viewpoint but the point is well taken...
===================================================
A Singular Curiosity of English
By Miles Kington
As people leaving school have such a shaky grasp of English, I am
starting an occasional series of English grammar. And I would like to kick
off with one of the commonest grammatical dicta in English: that you form
the plural of a noun by adding -s.
Nothing could be further from the truth. In English any letter can be
used to form the plural. The letter -s is, in fact, more commonly used to
form the singular. Look at my opening paragraph. There are two words in
the plural (people, dicta) and neither ends in -s. There is one noun ending
-s (series) but it is singular.
And yet our children are taught that the plural is formed with -s! A
quick tour of the alphabet will tell a different story.
A. A plural formed in -a is normally literary or commercial, e.g.
curricula, data, incunabula, media, strata, etc. (Never forget that etc.
stands for "et cetera". Cetera is a plural noun. Does it end in -s? I
think not).
B. A plural mostly used of fish as in: "The chubb are not biting
today. But the plural of yob is "mob", a rare example of the first
letter changing.
C. The plural of "man waiting to be separated from his money" is
"public".
D. The plural of blind is "blind": "In the country of the blind, the
one-eyed man is king". The plural of John Pilger, Harold Pinter or
John Mortimer ends in -d.: "We, the undersigned". The plural of
churchmen is synod, of director is board.
E. The plural of cow ends in -e: "cattle". Committee, league,
electorate all end in -e. They all mean "cattle", too.
F. "In the land of the deaf, the one-eared man is king".
G. Everyone ends with -g, according to a lawyer, as in "the
foregoing". Unless they end in -d ("the aforementioned").
H. The plural of clergyman is church, of magistrate is bench.
I. Almost every plural in classical music ends in -i, such as
concerti, tutti, soli, celli, etc. The plural of critic is castrati. The
plural
of listener is hoi polloi.
J. this letter is used as a plural ending for foreigners in vast
quantity.
In India a "raj", in Arabia a "haj", etc.
K. As you might expect, no plural form of "cow" ends in -s. E.g.
cattle, kine, herd and, in -k, bloodstock. Jesus often formed his
plural in -k: "The meek shall inherit the earth". (See also the sick, lame,
little children, etc.)
L. British Rail are a shining example of a plural in -l. It used to
be British Railways, but they soon saw the error of their way and
dropped the -s ending. And another -- British Telecom.
M. Seraphim and cherubim provide more Biblical backing here.
N. Perhaps the oldest and nicest plural in English, as in men,
women, oxen, children, brethren and the Opposition.
O. There is only one plural ending in -o. On the other hand, it
is all inclusive -- "ditto".
P. The plural of pop singer is "group".
Q. All right, I can't find a plural ending in -q. But I can't find a
singular either.
R. The plural of socialist is Labour, as in "Labour have a four-
point lead..."
T. A very popular political ending, -t. The plural of commissar
is commissariat, of secretary, secretariat, etc. Also government,
Cabinet, management.
U. Every Welsh plural seems to end in -u, certainly none in -s.
Good for them. Also the plural of gnu is not gnus, as you might be led
to believe, but gun. This is to avoid jokes like "No gnus are good gnus",
"Here are the gnus", etc.
V. The plural of cross-reference is "qqv".
W. "Few" is the small plural of one.
X. A popular plural for many a county-dweller, as in Middlesex,
Sussex, Wessex, Essex. So we say, "Essex are champions again", not
"Essex is champion again".
Y. Ditto for the country dweller. The plural of a German is
Germany, and so on. The plural of song, oddly, is medley if pop, and
lieder if classical.
Z. The plural of ounce is "oz".
It only remains to stress that -s is a singular ending. Trousers,
pants, jeans, scissors -- all purport to be plural but each is a singular
object. A "spectacle" is all you can see, but "spectacles" is one small
thing on your nose.
Having an -s on the end is such a sign of the singular that it debars
many a work from even having a plural -- quietus, nous, chaos, animus,
hiatus...
As a final clincher, look at any English verb. He works, they work.
Which is plural? Which has the -s ending? I thank you.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: With a moo-moo here... (ULOTD?)
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@storz.com (Alan Ritter)
Forwarded-by: smk@storz.com (Sue M. Kastigar)
Forwarded-by: kuhnw@superman.cig.mot.com ("kuhnw@superman.cig.mot.com")
My wife is a primary school teacher, and related this tale after another
class returned from a trip to a working farm:
My wife asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.
"Yes it was great -- we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers."
Wife: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but
what is a f***er?"
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"
Wife: "But who said they were called, er, f***ers?"
David: "That was our teacher. Well, actually she called them "effers",
but we all knew what she meant."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 30 May 97 00:57:24 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: X-header of the day -
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Robin Stephenson <r.stephenson@elsevier.co.uk>
X-Microsoft: Just say perl -MIO::Socket -e 'IO::Socket::INET
->new(PeerAddr=>"ftp.microsoft.com:139",Proto=>'tcp')
->send("Die sucker", MSG_OOB)'
--
[This joke is very funny if you get it. Trust me.
For the non-perl, non-microsoft-networking-bug-literate among us,
this is a perl one-liner that exploits a bug in the Windows (NT or
95) networking code. If ftp.microsoft.com is running NT this would
crash it (a syndrome described in the bug report as ``the blue window
of death'').
Until the middle of last year, ftp.microsoft.com was running UNIX,
which was faster, if somewhat embarassing for Microsoft.
---pozzo]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: You can strap a rocket onto a basset hound...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mark Feit <mfeit@UU.NET>
Forwarded-By: Jeff Feit <jfeit@enter.net>
>From the April 1997 Issue of _Automotive Manufacturing & Production_, in
an article about a new workstation:
"Some people think that you can add a graphics card to a PC and get the
power of a Silicon Graphics workstation," said Edward R. McCracken,
chairman and CEO of the Mountain View, California-based computer systems
manufacturer. "You can strap a rocket onto a basset hound, and you still
have a dog with a rocket on its back." And, going to an automitive
metaphor, he added, "You can put a roof rack on a Pinto and it's not a
Range Rover."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Jun 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: You just have to like cool things.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E. Patrick)
*** KISS credit card offered
Credit card users will soon have the option of gazing onto the painted
faces and lizard tongues of rock group KISS each time they pay for their
purchases in plastic. Wilshire Financial, an entertainment merchant bank
in Los Angeles, said it will begin marketing a Visa classic card featuring
the band "in full makeup surrounded by a ring of fire." The company is
also marketing a Visa Gold card featuring the KISS logo on a black and
gold background. In addition to traditional credit card services, Wilshire
said the band will send subscribers special monthly messages. Wilshire's
28-year-old president Peter Klamka said: "You don't have to be one of the
millions of KISS fans to carry the KISS Visa. You just have to like cool
things."
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End of Yucks Digest
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