[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V7 #9 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 10 Jun 97 Volume 7 : Issue 9
Today's Topics:
"That sounds terrific," said Goovoo.
'Struth! - Pacific Northwest Party Action
Archeology stories... It's only logical!
ATTN: Yucks digest
Blonde JOTD
F Y I ! ! ! ! !
How many mailing list members...
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.
JOTD
Livin' in the 80's
Lord, Lord, thou knowest how it is.
One pill makes you taller.
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Sorry, wrong number.
That's a switch
The minds of undergraduates
The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.
This is a cheap-shot sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
Wednesday's Funny #2
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: "That sounds terrific," said Goovoo.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: markg@parvenu.sj.unisys.com (Mark Goldberg)
Forwarded-by: Linda Wahler <law@interbase.borland.com>
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake
of this story, we'll call him Goovoo. After years of being taken for
granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Goovoo
was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant
specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, travelling all over the world on
different assignments, and making more money than he'd ever dreamed of.
He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Soon he could retire.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on
Goovoo. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about
the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year
2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of
breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the
year 2000 and all that came with it.
Goovoo decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics. He
made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very
expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing
he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year
celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to
worry about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive
date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum,
and that was that.
The next thing that Goovoo saw was an enormous and very modern room filled
with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and
"It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd
ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction
movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.
Goovoo couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises
all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that 2000 had gone, but that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on Goovoo's cryogenic receptacle
-- it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March 15th of 2099,
not 2000. But the spokesman told Goovoo that he shouldn't get excited as
someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that
looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth.
He told Goovoo not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space
program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on
Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had
virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on
the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded
anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Goovoo. "But I don't understand, why is
everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "2100 is just around the corner, and it
says in your files that you know COBOL".
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Apr 97 16:22:19 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: 'Struth! - Pacific Northwest Party Action
To: Fun_People@langston.com
From: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
I was at a barbeque/etc. party recently. This really happened:
Rubin: "So, I hear your company hired the guy who wrote Linux."
Me: "It's true."
Ron: "Hm, well my company [Microsoft] hired the guy who wrote Tetris."
[Pause]
Rubin (Turning to Ron): "So when are you guys gonna start hiring people
who know about operating systems?"
It worked for me :^)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 97 04:10:32 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Archeology stories... It's only logical!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Gerry Pollack <pollack@conxion.com>
Two archeologists, one Greek, the other Israeli, were trading war-stories.
The Greek explained that when he was excavating near the Acropolis he found
wires running from here (he drew a sketch) to there, and from there to over
yonder. From this he inferred that the ancient Greeks had something like
the telegraph.
The Israeli was unimpressed. She explained that when she was excavating near
the Western Wall she found no wires at all. From this she inferred that the
ancient Hebrews had something like radio.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 14:20:41 -0700
From: Bryn Dole <dole@kerouac.incog.com>
Subject: ATTN: Yucks digest
To: spaf
[multiple forwards deleted. -BD]
Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before
it leaves the factory?
A: Two test tickles.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Blonde JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "William Krueger" <William_Krueger@csg.stercomm.com>
Forwarded-by: "Ron Stubbs" <Ron_Stubbs@sydney.sterling.com> at Internet-Mail
Forwarded-by: <name removed> at ~Pacsyd
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously
celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to
offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears
one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so
special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been
spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said
3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 97 11:14:27 PDT
From: "Dahl A. Gerberick" <gerberick@acm.org>
Subject: F Y I ! ! ! ! !
To: spaf
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in.
"Okay, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest
full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled
around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
===========================
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinchers and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinchers says to the
guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and
get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there; we've
got the dogs with us!"
The guy with the Doberman says, "No problem; just follow my
lead."
They walk over to the restaurant; the guy with the Doberman
puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The maitre d' says, "Sorry sir, but there are no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand.
This is my Seeing Eye dog."
The maitre d' says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good."
So the maitre d' tells him that he can come in with the dog.
The guy with the Chihuahua sees his friend's success, so he
puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks in, as well.
Once again, the maitre d' says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You don't understand --
this is my Seeing Eye dog."
The maitre d' takes a look at the puny little pup and
exclaims, "A Chihuahua?!?"
The dog owner replies, "What! You mean they gave me a
Chihuahua?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 97 23:31:00 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: How many..
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Steven Katz <steven@idma.com>
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light
bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb
discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take
this email exchange to alt.light.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: How to Give Your Cat a Pill
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Margo Seltzer <margo@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: seltzer@icsun.sunnet.ithaca.edu (Stan Seltzer)
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
-- by Peggy Althoff
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as
if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Pressits
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: luko@oo.net (Luke McGuff)
Forwarded-by: Neil Rest <NeilRest@tezcat.com>)
Forwarded-by: "Society for Human Sexuality" <shs@u.washington.edu>
For all those who have seen at least one episode of Xena:
"Heroine Barbarian", by Kevin Wald.
[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum
have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting
to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a
recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]
Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.
[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air
somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]
Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it
in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!
Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
(To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan--
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus tactilis_[7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it--he's
Aware that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter
confusion. She sighs.] It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!
[Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .
Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhe-makhetes_,
Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
[She holds up a tomato:]
And where we found examples of the genus _Lycopersicon_[13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues,
and the curtain has to be brought down.]
Notes:
[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable;
Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally,
is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet Sappho, as
a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying
to imply here.)
[2] parthenian: virginal.
[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was
written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption
of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing
in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of the Trojan war,
this is chronologically reasonable.
[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close
relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.
[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to
_rhododaktulos eos_ -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
[7] _sensus tactilis_: Latin for "the sense of touch".
[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as
_alala_ or _alale_) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently
meaning "characterized by ululation".
[9] sagittarian: archer-like.
[10] omphalos: belly-button.
[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume
that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source
seems to address this vital issue.
[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".
[13] _Lycopersicon_: the biological genus to which tomatoes are >assigned.
(The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the
Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a _Xena_ish
context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale
of Spartacus.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>
Another body found!!!
Apparently one of the less astute members of the Heaven's Gate
cult was found under the kitchen sink, behind the Comet.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 15:56:45 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Livin' in the 80's
To: spaf
Author: Robert Hume <Robert_Hume@dell.com> at ~HIPC-INTERNET
Date: 4/17/97 10:07 AM
You Know You're Stuck in the '80's When.....
1. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose"
soundtrack.
2. You think the two Coreys are totally awesome.
3. Punky Brewster is your hero.
4. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64.
5. You resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like
Webster's.
6. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pacman.
7. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.
8. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy
ankle socks.
9. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch".
10. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.
11. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.
12. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!
13. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.
14. You still practice your Care Bear stare.
15. You know girls just want to have fuh-un.
16. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "who?"
17. Your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky
Dinks.
18. You know whose number is 867-5309.
19. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.
20. You consider Jo vs. Blair the philosophical conflict of the century.
21. You have a duck phone and ride around your house in a little train.
22. You want to be one of the Solid Gold dancers.
23. You practice getting in and out of cars through the windows.
24. You know Alf's real name.
25. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow
and feathered bangs.
26. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.
27. You use your Speak'n'Spell to phone home.
28. You know the original members of Menudo.
29. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.
30. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage in
Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back.
31. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.
32. You still say "kiss my grits".
33. You hatch plots to break Murdoch out of VA hospital.
34. You can still feel St Elmo's Fire burning in you.
35. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.
36. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton John.
37. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the Fat Boys.
38. You're still asking "Where's the beef?"
39. You remember playing Pitfall and Asteroids on the Atari.
40. On long car rides, you break out the Mad Libs.
41. You still play M*A*S*H* with your friends.
42. You want your MTV.
43. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
44. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.
45. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.
46. You saw New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.
47. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
48. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.
49. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.
50. You still have "We are the World" on 45.
51. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.
52. You still wear banana clips.
53. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!.
54. You ate Reese's Pieces because ET did.
55. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.
56. You had a metal lunchbox (possibly one with Pacman on it).
57. You go to the store and demand they begin carrying Tab soda.
58. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.
59. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania, its terrain, and
its main export.
60. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.
61. You still wonder "who shot JR?"
62. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.
63. You can do the Safety Dance.
64. You keep asking your teachers if you can take the physical challenge
instead of the quiz.
65. You're still wondering who really was the boss.
66. You know what the "P" in Alex P. Keaton stands for.
67. You still drink New Coke.
68. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.
69. You really wish you could buy Duckie a car.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Lord, Lord, thou knowest how it is.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the Ark which I have commanded
thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Verily, I have had three carpenters off
ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down. Yea, even though the gopher
wood hath been on order nigh upon twelve months. What can I do, O Lord?"
And God said unto Noah: "I want that Ark finished even after seven
days and seven nights."
And Noah said: "It will be so." And it was not so.
And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seemeth to be the trouble this
time?"
And Noah said unto the Lord: "Mine subcontractor hath gone, alas,
bankrupt. The pitch which though commandedst me to put on the outside and
the inside of the Ark hath not arrived. The canvas, although on hand, is
not the right color. The pipefitter hath gone on strike. Shem, my son,
who helpeth me on the Ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group
with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone."
And the Lord grew angry and said: "And what about the animals, the
male and the female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep
their seed alive upon the face of the Earth?"
And Noah said: "They have been delivered unto the wrong address but
should arriveth on Friday."
And the Lord said: "How about the unicorn and the fowls of the air by
sevens?"
And Noah wrung his hands and wept saying: "Lord, unicorns are a
discontinued line, thou canst not get them for love nor money. And fowls of
the air are sold only in half-dozens. The peacocks even then, are on back
order for weeks to come. Lord, Lord, thou knowest how it is."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: One pill makes you taller.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@storz.com (Alan Ritter)
Forwarded-by: des@storz.com (Doug E. Starkey)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Top 15 Side-Effects of the Female Orgasm Pill
15> Forget your anniversary? No problem. Forget to stop at the
pharmacy? Kiss your sorry ass good-bye.
14> More huge smiles & dazed looks than at a Moonie mass wedding.
13> Entire male population puts on their Nikes, knits a purple
shroud, and sits down for a nice lunch of applesauce and vodka.
12> Spiking the punch *really* shakes things up at the Senior Prom.
11> The President finds he has much more time to deny allegations.
10> Sen. Orrin Hatch withdraws Constitutional Amendment to ban pill
after a good ass-kicking from Mrs. Hatch.
9> Undertakers working overtime to wipe those smiles off.
8> Severe sales slump forces the Energizer Bunny to look for work
elsewhere.
7> Finally, after several decades -- a new topic for
Country-Western songs!
6> The Betty Ford Clinic adds a new wing.
5> Due to unexpected flashbacks, housewives everywhere are being
banned from the supermarket.
4> Porno movie casts pared down to a woman and a glass of water.
3> "Hi, handsome. The bartender tells me you're a pharmacist..."
2> "Coming, Mother!" takes on a whole new meaning.
and the Number 1 Side-Effect of the Female Orgasm Pill...
1> Janet Reno cracks a smile.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"And the Dark Lord made Orcs in mockery of Elves, and Trolls in mockery
of Ents; and he made DOS in mockery of CP/M, and Windows in mockery of
Macs, and NT in mockery of Netware; and he made Excel in mockery of
VisiCalc, and Explorer in mockery of Navigator, and Word in mockery of
WordPerfect; and he made MSNetwork in mockery of America Online; and on
every side his foes fell reeling, defeated one by one as he crushed
them by sheer weight of numbers, his hosts darkening the plain; and in
the twilight years of the Second Millenium the Free Peoples of the West
said, Lo, let us face this pestilence and destroy it, lest he turn all
of Middle-Earth into a nest of foulness. And they forged the One OS,
and they called it Copland; and they gathered their allies, the IBM
Host and the Riders of Motorola, and they prepared for the final
battle."
- wiggler@pop3.concentric.net (Gary J. Robinson) adapts Tolkien to the
Computer Age
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Susan J. Howard" <sfrazir@emory.edu>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
If I work incessantly to the last, nature owes me another form of
existence when the present one collapses.
-- Goethe, 1829
[Currently, this sums up my mode of existance. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Sorry, wrong number.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM>
From: Alan Bawden <Alan@lcs.mit.edu>
Sender: Alan@lcs.mit.edu
To: ITS-Lovers@mc.lcs.mit.edu
Subject: Sorry, wrong number.
Years ago when I first started using GNUS to read news, I copied a bunch of
stuff from Rob Austein's emacs init file. I kept the line where he wrote:
(setq gnus-your-organization "ITS Preservation Society")
(This is the string that GNUS puts in the "Organization: " field in any
news articles you post.) I felt that this was an organization that I
could really support -- especially when posting to newsgroups. I have
never used the name of the ITS Preservation Society in any other context.
Today I got a piece of junk US mail at my home addressed to:
Alan Bawden
Its Preservation Society
the mail was from Microsoft.
They wanted to sell me something about ActiveX.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Apr 97 17:54:41 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: That's a switch
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Hardaway <stehar@dfw.net>
A little old lady with blue hair entered the lingerie shop and asked in
a quavering voice, "Y-young man, d-do y-you sell-l s-s-sexual aids h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in
his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-b-bout th-this l-l-ong?" "Well, yes ma'am,
we do. We have several that size."
Forming a circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-ny of
th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them
are about that big."
"D-do a-any of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of
them does." "W-w-ell, that's a re-relief! H-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 97 16:26:19 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The minds of undergraduates
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
From: Jerry McDonough <jmcd@lucien.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: mtepper@panix.com (Michele Tepper)
From: Jonathan Lethem's really quite wonderful new novel, _As She Climbed
Across the Table_ (Doubleday, 1997: ISBN 0-385-48517-4).
.....I looked at the clock. I'd slept all night and morning, through most
of the last meeting of my freshman class.
I struggled back into my preworn clothing, my pretied shoes, ran to
the anthropology building, and rushed upstairs to the airless classroom.
Only one of my sixteen students remained. He sat alone at his desk, writing
in his notebook with a ballpoint pen. He looked up, astonished at my
arrival.
"Professor Engstrand."
"Angus."
"I'm almost done."
"Done with what? Where did they all go?"
He blinked twice. He looked frightened.
"Tell me what happened, Angus."
"We met and waited for you, sir. Sat in our places. But you didn't
come. No one said anything. Half an hour passed. Then someone suggested
that your absence might represent some new form of final exam. Some arcane
and menacing form, I believe those were the exact words. We laughed
nervously at first. But one by one we opened our notebooks. Began
attempting to answer the question you were posing. That's why it's a little
unsettling to see you here, sir. I was almost finished. The others handed
in their papers to the department secretary. May I ask you a question,
sir?"
"Yes, Angus."
"Does this mean I failed?"
"No, Angus. There's no time limit. Hand it in when you're done."
(page 159-160, and no, no names were changed)
[I'll try to teach my next class like this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The weakest child got the Special K; it was nature's way.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E. Patrick)
Cereal
-- by James Lileks
I had a favorite cereal; ate it every morning. One morn I took a look at
the nutritional information and discovered that it was, in essence,
oat-flecked divots of lard. I spent a monkish year choking down Grape
Nuts, which resemble a bowl of rugged BBs, but with less taste. Now I
just eat what's cheap. This week it's Frosted Cheerios.
The word "Frosted" on the box guarantees that the sugar is clearly
visible, not hidden, just as the word "Fruit" assures you that several
pieces of fruit-hued putty with Real Fruit Flavor will tumble from the
box, and the word "Fiber" means that the package will have the digestive
effect of consuming a Chore Boy scouring pad.
Of course, I could scorn high cereal prices and buy the store brands with
the cheap graphics. The boxes say things like "if you like Fruit 'n'
Fiber, you'll love Pits 'n' Chaff!" "If you like Lucky Charms, you'll love
Frosted Pixie Gizzards!" If you like "Alpha Bits, you'll be temporarily
confused by Toasty Random Shapes!"
The cartoon characters on these boxes look like losers who couldn't get
work with a real cereal. I'm sure the cereals taste fine. But I cannot
bring myself to start the day with Oaty Clown Balls, not when the mascot
leers like John Wayne Gacy on the last few hours of an amphetamine jag.
Actually, I don't have to commit to a cereal for an entire week just
because I have a coupon. There are single-serve containers: The
Kel-Bowl-Pac. In the 60s, this was a brilliant advance in cereal
technology -- a small single-serving box that doubles as a bowl. It was
like something "Q" division would whip up for James Bond. They came in
groups of four -- Frosted Flakes, Rice Krispees, Sugar Pops, and Special
K, a cereal that has had the flavor scientifically extracted. The weakest
child got the Special K; it was nature's way.
It takes skill to use a Kel-Bowl-Pac, particularly if you are camping.
You take a knife and cut along the dotted line, puncturing the inner
membrane and plunging the knife into your leg. You now have a small box
of cereal stuck to your thigh. Next step: scream uncontrollably, causing
an adult to quiet your misery by giving you someone else's Frosted Flakes.
Thus does the weakest child develop a sense of guile. It is nature's way.
The different between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Cheerios? The Flakes have
a mascot: Tony the Tiger, Mr. Swank, the relaxed old pro, the Arnold
Palmer of the mascot circuit. Sugar Puffs had Sugar Bear -- that Rat-Pack
refugee with the sleepy eyes and the Dean Martin manner, the
spokescreature most likely to be brought up on a morals charge. (His
co-defendant would no doubt be Toucan Sam, the Peter Lawford of cereal
spokesmen.) I always got the feeling that Tony the Tiger would beat Sugar
Bear to a moaning pulp if he got the chance; guys like Sugar Bear must
have bugged Tony. Sugar Bear would have protested the Vietnam War; Tony
would have supported it.
Where Frosted Cheerios stands on the matter of post-colonial Communist
insurrections, I don't know. I just eat it because it's cheap. Next week
it goes off sale, though, and I'll have to find something else. Lucky
Charms, perhaps. Nice and apolitical.
Please don't tell me the leprechaun was caught running guns to the IRA.
------
James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse News
Service.
He's in the Washington Post now and then. His latest collection is "Fresh
Lies," published by Pocket Books.
[Judging from the above, the book is worth reading. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: This is a cheap-shot sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cyerkes <cyerkes@interport.net>
Stuff we learned from TV:
-- Excerpts from the book of the same name
"He who quits and runs away will live to quit another day."
-- Corporal Agarn, F Troop
"A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but
it is by no means the most interesting."
-- The Doctor, Doctor Who
"Due to the shape of the North American Elk's esophagus. even if it
could speak, it could not pronounce the word lasagna."
-- Cliff Clavin, Cheers
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at
that man."
-- Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live
"I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage -- no matter how ugly
and disgusting it gets."
-- Major Frank Burns, M*A*S*H
"Before all that equality crapola, you was a sweet frightened wife."
-- Archie Bunker, All in the Family
Skipper: I'm not overweight, I just have big bones.
Gilligan: Yeah, and they're covered with big meat.
-- Gilligan's Island
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know."
-- Morticia, The Addams Family
"Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother."
-- Ferengi Rule of Acquisition Number 31, Deep Space Nine
"This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog
wrote it."
-- Miss Piggy, The Muppet Show
"We are more alike than unlike, my dear captain. I have pores, humans
have pores. I have fingerprints. Humans have fingerprints. My chemical
nutrients are like your blood. If you prick me , do I not... leak?"
-- Data, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Big Bird: So where's Mr. Hooper, I wanna give him this picture.
Bob: Well, Big Bird... Mr. Hooper died.
Big Bird: Oh, Okay. Well I'll give it to him when he comes back.
Sesame Street
"I might as well be dead... Well, I'm going to bed, son. Good-night.
If I'm lucky I'll sleep until angel Gabriel wakes me up... If not, I'll
see you at the usual time."
-- Fred Sanford, Sanford & Son
Mr. T: Gimme a cup of coffee!
Waiter: How do you want it?
Mr. T: In a cup, fool!
The A-Team
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
-- Mork, Mork and Mindy
Herman Munster:
Dancing's never been one of my strong points. I guess you could
say I have two left feet.
Grandpa Munster:
That's what happens when they put something together in the dark.
-- The Munsters
"You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we are learning all the
time. Why, just fifty years ago they thought a disease like your
daughter's was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays,
we know that Isabelle is suffereing from an imbalance of bodily humors,
perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach."
-- Theodoric of York, Saturday Night Live
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 11:53:32 -0500
From: glc (Georgia Conarroe)
Subject: Wednesday's Funny #2
To: spaf
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her
a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady,"
the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
==============================================
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more
between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?"
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to
be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did'
take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with
your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed,
you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------