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Yucks Digest V7 #8 (mixed nuts; many risque -- be warned)




Yucks Digest                Sun, 25 May 97       Volume 7 : Issue   8 

Today's Topics:
                                   
              ... first buy an octopus and a string bag.
                   40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
                     A Bad Day at the OK Corral.
                       abuse@agis.net speaks...
                           A Chicken Riddle
                Activate by pressing the blue button.
                      A Nice Rejection Letter...
          A Purely French Solution to the Year 2000 Problem
                       A Smudge of Elder Humor
                                 Beer
Cryptographers made fun of on late-night network television  [sci.crypt]
                          DHMO in the news!
                            Dutch urinals
                          FW: GREAT joke!!!!
               FW: Here are some recent News Headlines
                     Hang on, I'll be right back.
                      Hidden Brain Damage Scale
        I hope that you haven't seen, or used, this one yet...
                           Jell-O Factoids
Join us as we decide whether to start the day at noon or at midnight.
                                 joke
                           La Capote noire
             Lessons in LOLP (Little Old Lady Psychology)
                          Man's Best Friend
                            Mirror, Mirror
                        Non-Periodic Digest #1
           Proof That the World Revolves Around Bill Gates
                                Quote
                           Quote of the day
                      submitted fo your approval
                Tech-support is not for the squeamish.
           The dangers of taking a service droid off script
                        The Middle Aged Virgin
                  Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
                True story, sounds like a joke, isn't
                        World's Shortest JOTD

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server.  Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.

Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Apr 1997 00:42:33 -0700
From: ullrey@inresco.org (James Ullrey)
Subject: 
To: "John D. Landefeld" <john@virtuapalace.com>

[Found in a mailing list to which I subscribe.  --spaf]

>yeah, how do you get off the list????
>

 From the archives:

Improved medical care has eliminated the natural selection that once
culled them from the species (see "Man shoots self in head with nailgun,
saved by doctors!", National Enquirer, August 1992). According to the
best estimates, by the year 2031 the gene pool is expected to be so
polluted that over 90% of all email will consist of the words "Please
take me off this list," followed by a respite in 2045 when the ability
to use written language evolves out of the species.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... first buy an octopus and a string bag.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Margo Seltzer <margo@eecs.harvard.edu>
Forwarded-by: Lisa_Bynoe/CAM/Lotus@lotus.com

[This appeared in Yucks in 1994.  However, as time has gone by and
I have had more experience with my daughter, the more true this
has become.  So, it is worth running again.  --spaf]

Preparation for Parenthood:

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for 9 months. After 9
months, remove 10% of the beans.

   Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself.  Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it
for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you will have
all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.  At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.  Put
the alarm on for 3am.  As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a drink.  Go to bed at 2:45am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm
goes off.  Sing songs in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am.
Get up. Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.
How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this -- all morning.

6. Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.  Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van.  And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like
that.  Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.  Get a quarter.  Stick it in the cassette player.  Take
a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.  There!  Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out.  Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.  Go
out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.  Come back in.  Go out again.
Walk down the front path.  Walk back up it again.  Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps.  Scream that you've had as much
as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket.  Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child.  A fully grown goat is excellent.  If you
intent to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side.  Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone.  Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You
are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street, and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

Have a great day!

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 08:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Barnes, Page" <PRB@mdbesf.mdbe.com>
Forwarded-by: Sue Utter Honig <honig@keagan.cit.cornell.edu>
Forwarded-by: Jeffrey C Honig <jch@bsdi.com>

After all the lists of books we should read that have been posted to this
list, I thought some of you might be amused by this list of books we don't
want our children to read.

                   Top 20 Rejected Children's Books

  20.  Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
  19.  The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
  18.  The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
  17.  Alice in WonderBraLand
  16.  The Legend of Three-Card Monte
  15.  40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
  14.  The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout
       Would Go Away
  13.  Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
  12.  Where the Wildings Are
  11.  The Big Little Book of Necrophelia
  10.  The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
   9.  Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
   8.  The Crack House at Pooh Corner
   7.  The Dummy's Guide to Crying
   6.  When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
   5.  Where's Waldo's Weewee?
   4.  The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
   3.  Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
   2.  Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
   1.  Furious George Delivers the Mail

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 15:07:31 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: A Bad Day at the OK Corral.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cyerkes <cyerkes@interport.net>
Forwarded-by: smj@crash.com
Forwarded-by: daves <dstefanovic@xionics.com>

An actual page from the Scsh Reference Manual.  Scsh is from MIT -- yet
another shell scripting language.(using Scheme this time)

Kudos to Will Ware for discovering it in the first place -- I just
extracted the text back out of the postscript file.

URL: http://swissnet.ai.mit.edu/scsh/html/obtaining.html

-Dave S.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Scsh Reference Manual
For scsh release 0.4
Olin Shivers and Brian D. Carlstrom
November 18,1995 15:58 DRAFT

%%Page: 2 2

Acknowledgements

Who should I thank?  My so-called "colleagues", who laugh at me behind my
back, all the while becoming famous on my work?  My worthless graduate
students, whose computer skills appear to be limited to downloading
bitmaps off of netnews?  My parents, who are still waiting for me to quit
"fooling around with computers", go to med school, and become a
radiologist?  My department chairman, a manager who gives one new insight
into and sympathy for disgruntled postal workers?

My God, no one could blame me -- no one! -- if I went off the edge and
just lost it completely one day.  I couldn't get through the day as it is
without the Prozac and Jack Daniels I keep on the shelf, behind my Tops-20
JSYS manuals.  I start getting the shakes real bad around 10am, right
before my advisor meetings.  A 10 oz. Jack'n Zac helps me get through the
meetings without one of my students winding up with his severed head in
a bowling-ball bag.  They look at me funny; they think I twitch a lot.
I'm not twitching.  I'm controlling my impulse to snag my 9mm Sig-Sauer
out from my day-pack and make a few strong points about the quality of
undergraduate education in Amerika.

If I thought anyone cared, if I thought anyone would even be reading this,
I'd probably make an effort to keep up appearances until the last possible
moment.  But no one does, and no one will.  So I can pretty much say
exactly what I think.

Oh, yes, the *acknowledgements*.  I think not.  I did it.  I did it all,
by myself.

                                               Olin  Shivers  
                                               Cambridge
                                               September 4, 1994 

  ii             DRAFT                    November 1, 1995 15:58 


[Programming in Scheme and LISP will do that to a person.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Apr 1997 23:08:40 GMT
From: spamtrap@nanae.honet.com (Michael Rathbun)
Subject: abuse@agis.net speaks...
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email,alt.2600

In <5jm6hb$20v$1@news1.rmi.net> (news.admin.net-abuse.email), on Wed, 23 Apr
1997 23:38:17 GMT, my_email@spamh8.com (Spam H8ter) wrote:

>Pride before downfall. They are in the pride mode, soon, they will
>be in downfall mode.

Often thought to be analogous to the snapping of an elevator cable: first
comes downfall, then comes debasement.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 22 May 97 17:01:02 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Chicken Riddle
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
Forwarded-by: SoMental@aol.com

Q - Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A - Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Apr 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Activate by pressing the blue button.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Richard Troy <rtroy@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: andy_caslaw@il.us.swissbank.com Mon Apr 28 07:30:54 1997
Forwarded-by: "Dean Naib" <dnaib@ecf.com>
Forwarded-by: DACHELET@aol.com
Forwarded-by: Oracle Service Humor Archives

At 06:42 PM 4/1/97 -0500, Dave Verschleiser wrote:
> Would someone PLEASE tell me how to unsubscribe from this list???

Heres how to unsubscribe:

First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.  Then
follow these directions.

The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System
A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed
through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the
adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist
the silver- coloured ring one inch below the connection point until you
feel it lock.

The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small
switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial
condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.  Place the
dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.  Activate by
pressing the blue button.

The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red
release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted
manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The
opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button,
which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the
Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.

You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .  If
the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has
not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the
right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control
panel.

To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the
clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.  On
the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower
seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated
immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now
depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally.

The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you
activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are
ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.  The door
will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place
them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob
to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium
or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.

After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during
the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the
"manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the
change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may
log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 12:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: A Nice Rejection Letter...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jbh@chairface (Jason Hendrix)
Forwarded-by: MtBahr@aol.com
Forwarded-by: Capt Dread
Forwarded-by: Broshades

Men often find blowing off a chick the most difficult part of the dating
process. After a second or perhaps third date that didn't go at all well,
the closest they ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her
straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, they
have no intention of calling her and we may even feel a slight twinge of
guilt.  But there is a great way to blow a chick off. It's safe.  It's
affordable, and the best thing is the chick has no opportunity to throw
things at you.  And it's at your fingertips right now.  E-mail.

That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling chicks they're
not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you
really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her
response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?

Following is an Email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they
need to put their main squeeze on waivers.  The text of the letter follows.
Hope it comes in handy.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear (her name) or babe,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
to become the future Mrs. (your last name).  As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified
canditates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.  I will,
however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become
extremely horny.  So that you may find better success in your future romantic
endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the  competition:

(Check those that apply)

    ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band
prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

    ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay
for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.

     ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by
the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this
position.

    ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

    ___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

    ___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside
after I opened the passenger side door for you.

    ___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

    ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight.  If you should,
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit
your application.

    ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's
this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

     ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the
alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are
far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to
heterosexuality.

    ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend
to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

    ___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance
to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom
during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days
seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

    ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 30 Apr 97 18:12:35 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Purely French Solution to the Year 2000 Problem
To: Fun_People@langston.com

 Forwarded-by: TheImses@aol.com

             A PURELY FRENCH SOLUTION TO THE YEAR 2000 PROBLEM

                     Paris, Tuesday, 1st of April 1997

The French Ministry of Informatics (MOI) today announced that they have
determined that French computer systems will not be affected by the year
2000 problem.  An extensive series of tests have been run on a wide range
of applications within the country and on no system has a Y2K problem been
apparent.

A spokesman put this good fortune down to a side-effect of the French number
system.  In this system the number eighty is represented by the composite
"quatre vingts" -- literally "four twenties."  French computer systems
represent the "quatre" as a single digit and will harmlessly  roll over to
"cinq vingts" or "five twenties" while the rest of the world collapses.
Thus, "quatre vingts dix neuf" will increment to "cinq vingts."

French speaking areas of Belgium and Switzerland are bemused by these
developments, because they still use the older "septant, octant, nonant"
system for 70, 80, and 90.  The Belgian government is thought to be
considering an urgent change in the language.  This would provide a  major
boost for the less prosperous French speaking part of the country when
computer systems are relocated to French speaking communes.

Microsoft has announced that it will use similar techniques to guarantee
the PCs will not suffer from such problems, by launching a new version of
their operating system.  "Windows ninety ten" is expected to be available
in the year 2002.

[So that's what "Windows NT" stands for: "Windows Ninety Ten"  Assuming it  
still uses ASCII, it will be written " Windows 9: "...  -psl]

------------------------------

Date: Thu,  1 May 97 13:03:44 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Smudge of Elder Humor
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "Mills, Rea" <ream@gil.net>
From: Pat Adams <pata@cet.com>

There was an eighty year old fellow named Tucker living up in the high
mountains of North Carolina who announced to his cronies hanging out at the
general store that he was going to marry Elly Lou Branch. "You don't say!"
replied one of the group. "Just how old is Elly Lou anyway"  "Twenty-one."
The cronies sniggered.  "You 'spect to have a family, Tuck?" "Sure," said
Tucker, grinning.  "Then you an' Elly Lou better gey yourselves a young
boarder," somebody suggested, to the enjoyment of all.  "We might just do
that" said the prospective groom.---Some time after the wedding he informed
the fellows at the store, proudly, that Elly Lou was pregnant. "Yeah?" said
one, jabbing his neighbor with his elbow.  "How does you boarder feel about
it?"  "OK, I guess," said Tucker, kinda sheepishly. "She's pregnant, too."

------------------------------

Date: Sun,  4 May 97 14:36:47 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Beer
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Steve Hardaway <stehar@dfw.net>

A banjo player and an accordion player were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a
box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.  After
floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.  On
the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and starvation,
they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew
near, they saw that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp but hey, I've been doing this
3-wishes stuff for a while now and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys
only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one."

The accordion player blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer
we can drink for the rest of our lives!"  "Fine," said the genie and he
instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.  "Great move," said the banjo
player in disgust.  "It was bad enough before; now we're gonna have to piss
in the boat."

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 08:31:16 -0500 (EST)
From: swlodin@delcoelect.com (Steve Lodin)
Subject: Cryptographers made fun of on late-night network television  [sci.crypt]
To: schuba, krsul, dole@incog.com, mcrosbie@cup.hp.com, spaf

[These are much better definitions than in the text we used this
semester for the cryptography course.... --spaf]

------ Forwarded Article <5k3ap1$ptj$1@gannett.math.niu.edu>
------ From caj@moriarty.math.niu.edu (Xcott Craver)

Michael Strelitz <mstrelitz@cix.compulink.co.uk> wrote:
>
>> But not every bra has a cryptographic function. Most are used for ASCII 
>> armor or for compression. Some are even designed to make the plaintext stand 
>> out and more enjoyable to read.
>
>Touche, but I believe what we have here is a clear case of steganography.

	Yikes.  I think that we should hammer down some definitions before
	this whole thing gets out of hand.

Cryptography:  Building an difficult-to-unhook bra.

Steganography:  Building a flesh-colored bra, or one whose unhook mechanism
	   	is hidden somewhere unexpected (Man:  "How the Hell...?"  Woman:
                "It unhooks in front."  Man:  "Damn those steganographers.")

Public-Key Cryptography:  Building a bra that anyone can put on, but that 
	       	 	  only Alice can remove.

Watermarking:  Building a bra that stays on even after smoothing, compression,
	       and rotation.  Also, Bob should not be able to put his own bra 
 	       on over Alice's and claim ownership of her body.

Fingerprinting:  Um, I'm probably already in trouble for the last one, so
		 I'll just skip this.

Signatures:  Building a bra with a nametag ("Property of Alice, machine wash
	     warm...") such that bras with Alice's name only fit Alice's body.
	     Bob could in theory remove Alice's bra and replace it with his 
	     own, but there's no real reason for him to do so.

All-or-Nothing Disclosure Of Secrets:  Alice transforms her bra into a duffle
	     bag, and either (a) shows Bob how to open it, or (b) shows Bob
	     how she made it into a duffle bag.  Alice repeats the procedure
	     until Bob is satisfied (perverted freak).

One-time Pad:  Kleenex.

NSA:  An organization that wants women to go back to wearing corsets and
      chastity belts.  Oh, and Bill Clinton gets to keep all the keys.

	[looks up at what's written so far and sighs]  I'm so damned juvenile.
I'm going to go do something more constructive and serious.  Well, happy
Monday.

							-Caj

	[**!!Oh, and these are not the views of my employer!!**]

------ End of Forwarded Article

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: DHMO in the news!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Chris G. Demetriou" <cgd@cs.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: feline extraordinaire (omni@poseidon.darkwater.com)

>From Saturday, April 19, 1997's front page of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:
Pittsburgh (PA) Post-Gazette, Saturday, April 19, 1997 Vol 70, No 262, Final
Edition, Page A-1
 
Internet-inspired prank lands 4 teens in hot water
By Dennis B. Roddy
Post-Gazette Staff Writer
 
    One-by-one the warning fliers turned up in mailboxes around Wylie Heights
in North Sewickly, Beaver County: Be advised, there is a chemical in your
water supply called dihydrogen monoxide.
     Tasteless and colorless, dihydrogen monoxide was blamed for a trio of
ills, severe hydration, frequent urination and possible death.
     In fact, the flier said, dihydrogen monoxide kills thousands every year.
     "If you drowned in it, yeah, it could kill you," said North Sewickley
police Chief Harry Beighley.
     Dihydrogen monoxide is the chemical name for water, and a quartet of
Riverside High School students are up to their necks in the hot variety after
their Internet-inspired prank made dozens of homeowners not readily
acquainted with chemical terms hyper over hydro.
     "You gotta give them a little bit of credit for their ingenuity,"
Beighly said of the youths.
     The four, ranging in age from 14 to 16, told police they came up with
the idea while surfing the Internet and came across the chemical description.
 The Internet is also where they came up with the 800 number their flier
advised people to call to have their water tested.
     When residents dialed the number, they were asked for a credit card.  It
turned out to be a phone sex line.
     The calls to the water authority began as a trickle and treatened to
turn into a flood.  Postal officials in nearby Ellwood City tried to figure
out how the fliers got into the boxes.  Residents tried to figure out how
dihydrogen monoxide got into their water.  Joe Spanik tried to figure out how
his name got on the flier.
      The pranksters, on a whim, had decided to put the name of a classmate's
father at the bottom, identifying Spanik as "county health inspector."
      Spanik, who has twice tried to become county commissioner, wasn't
exactly swimming in rivers of laughter.
     "There were a few people who were mad at me," said Spanik, who set out
to find who was troubling his waters.
     As it turns out, Spanik's children attend Riverside High, and well, when
you pull off a prank this clever, who could keep his mouth shut.  Trouble
was, one of them bragged to Spanik's son.  Spanik called the police.
     "We've had all four juveniles in to talk to us," Beighly said.  "They
were staying overnight at one of the kid's houses and thought it was a good
joke" when they came upon the scary description of the wet stuff.
     It's a scientist joke as old as the kick-me sign on the back of a lab
smock but began circulating on Internet newsgroups as early as 1994, when
message posters carried out seemingly serious debates about the pros and cons
of banning the stuff.
     "Millions of gallons of the stuff are sprayed on fruits and vegetables.
 Do you want your children eating that stuff?" one newsgroup habitue
deadpanned.
     The Internet finally became home to the Coalition to Band Dihydrogen
Monoxide web page, where visitors are warned of the dangers of the "invisible
killer" so pervasive it has "been found in almost every stream, lake and
reservoir in America today."
     Even the Navy is in on the act, the web page warns, "designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare
situations.  Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it
through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network.  Many store
large quantities for later use."
     It's enough to make a chemistry-illiterate reader dissolve into a
puddle.
     The spoof coalition even lists officers such as president, chairman,
political lobbyist and FDA liaison.
     The four teens will get to liase a bit on their own.  Police asked
Spanik if he wanted to file charges.  Spanik said it was just so much water
under the bridge.
     So instead of going up the river, the pranksters will go door-to-door to
the 30 or so homes where they left the fliers, apologize and explain that
dihydrogen monoxide is plain old H2O.
     Given all the uproar, they might catch something else that begins with
H, but isn't noted for its water supply.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 21:23:58 -0400 (EDT)
From: MED41@aol.com
Subject: Dutch urinals
To: yucks

Anent Peter Langston's reference to "flies etched into Dutch urinals,"
(Yuck's Digest v.7 #7) the British magazine New Scientist explained some time
ago that *bees* were depicted (not etched) on urinals as a pun which you can
understand only if you know the genus of the honeybees which are depicted.
The genus is "Apis." This information was obtained from the manufacturer of
the urinal, a better source than the installer cited by P.L.-
Marshall Deutsch

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 1997 20:24:56 -0400
From: "Schleier, Tom (AZ76)" <TSchleie@space.honeywell.com>
Subject: FW: GREAT joke!!!!
To: spaf and others

[Be sure to read to the end... --spaf]

>*File Description: Not Too Likely*
>
>
>Right! I run System V on my VIC-20!
> 
>Hmmmm...well, I am getting SVR4 for my HP 48SX.....
> 
>HA! _I'm_ just finishing up a port of VMS for my Timex Sinclair!
>Top THAT!
> 
>I'm running NextStep on Atari 2600 Video Game System.
> 
>Just last night I was able to get Windows to boot on my Sears PONG
>game.
> 
>I am replying to this message with my built-in VAX Mailer on my
>Game-Boy.
>
>I just installed a 10 Gigabyte Drive to handle all the replies!
>However, it only runs at 230,000 Baud due to the large drive
>slowing it down.
> 
>I fear I will not be getting news any longer... The batteries on my
>calculator-watch are running out.
> 
>My calculator-watch is solar... And if I turned off the lights, NO
>ONE would be getting news...
> 
>Feh. I'm so slick NASA just awarded ME the TERADATA contract to run
>on my TV remote! They liked my proposal mainly because I'm ALSO able
>to shoehorn in the TEXAS SUPERCOLLIDER computations between
>commercials! Beat THAT!
> 
>Well, well, well. SSC calculations, huh. I built a system out of 2
>inches of wire, 3 pennies and a AA battery that does realtime
>calculations of particle vectors during the Big Bang. A complete
>simulation of the first 2 years of the life of the universe,
>accurate to the theoretical limit, takes about 5 seconds.
> 
>And you guys think you are so great. I just spent the last half hour
>getting X11 to run on my slide rule. I am still having problems
>connecting it to the net around here, but I would welcome any
>suggestions.
> 
>So what!!! I'm running Xinitrc, TWMRC, Internet, and 27 muds off of
>a paperclip. Not to mention the fact that I am designing a new form
>of television with 7000 pixels based off a piece of tissue paper.
>Next!!!
> 
>Man, that's baby stuff. I'm running a particle accelerator utilizing
>matter-antimatter reactions in my doorknob, and calculating
>everything in the fourth dimension using a single dip switch and a
>large glass of water.
> 
>Child's play, I have an old piece of cheese that is, at this very
>moment, raytracing an actual model of the universe five hours from
>now, while at the same time calculating the heat produced from the
>new intel Pentium.
> 
>And you people think that you are hackers! I'm currently engaged in
>a project which involves simultaneous simulation of multiple
>universes (To see what would happen if various constants change.
>Pi=8.4 is an interesting one.) My hardware consists of a single
>wooden pencil (no paper). With it, I can do real-time simulations of
>2^32 universes in parallel.
> 
>You guys are wimps!! I've just finished converting a microwave oven
>into a paradimensional teleportation device. The only problem I'm
>having so far is that my breakfast bagel keeps disappearing!! May
>have to eat it raw . . .
> 
>Sorry, that's my fault. I'm afraid that the high-energy laser-pumped
>negentropic vortex generator I made from my own nostril hair, which
>is currently cranking out entire new universes at the rate of 7.6
>per picosecond, was breaking the FCC emissions limits and gronking
>your microwave's control panel. It should work properly now. Also,
>my cat Arthur was FTPing hundreds of terabytes of PD software from
>Epsilon Eridani in the year 4741 A.D. over the faster-than-light
>Ethernet interface I built for him, and this may have been loading
>the Net a little yesterday. My sincere apologies to everyone who
>noticed any performance degradation.
>
>Oh, yeah?!?!  Well, I got Windows to run flawlessly!
>
>

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 14:50:38 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: FW: Here are some recent News Headlines
To: barnard@txdirect.net, Catherine Tryon <105524.1730@compuserve.com>, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, Laurelab@aol.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf

Personally, I think the folks who make the headlines do this
purposefully.

>Here are some recent News Headlines:
>
>GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
>*       The Tallahassee Bugle
>
>        MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
>*       The Anchorage Alaska Times
>
>        GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
>*       The New Haven Connecticut Register
>
>        THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
>*       The Arkansas Plainsman
>
>        CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
>*       Bangor Maine News
>
>        STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
>*       The Washington Times
>
>        CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
>*       The Bosnia Bugle
>
>        LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
>*       Newsday
>
>        ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
>*       San Antonio Rose
>
>        PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
>*       Chicago Daily News
>
>        TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
>*       The Miami Herald
>
>        MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
>*       The New Haven Connecticut Register
>
>        GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE
>        HUNTERS
>*       The Tallahassee Democrat
>
>        WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
>        ABSOLUTELY!
>*       The Houston Chronicle
>

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 1 May 1997 10:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Hang on, I'll be right back.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: Greg Schroeder <gregs>

A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help after
dragging her husband down the street behind their pickup truck.  Chief
Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville, was
treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and bruises.

It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingles on his house
himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to
climbing up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the
trailer hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the
other end of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the
roof to repair the shingles.  As luck would have it, right after he
started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout
trip. Jane Styles yelled to her husband she'd be right back and pulled
away. "I didn't see the rope," Mrs.  Styles said, "until I saw it in the
rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street."

Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on
Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't
been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."

[I've just had a week like that.... --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 13:05:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Hidden Brain Damage Scale
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

[This appeared in Yucks in 1991.  It seems to be going around again.
It's still quite useful.  My toes are still numbered.  --spaf]

Forwarded-by: ame@sunlos.erols.com

Of the many psychometric devices designed to measure the dimensions of
human variation, the Hidden Brain Damage Scale stands alone as the only
instrument capable of predicting a preference for pimento loaf.  For this
reason, and despite the sizable revenues that might accrue from the
copyright, we offer the scale here for public consumption.  It was
authored in a flurry of graduate school insight some years ago by Robin
Vallacher (Illinois Institute of Tech- nology), Christopher Gilbert
(private practice, New Jersey) and Daniel Wegner (Trinity University, San
Antonio, Texas).  Although a true-false format is recommended, we have
found that many test-takers opt for the response of getting tangled up in
the drapery.

The Hidden Brain Damage Scale

 1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
 2. I can't unclasp my hands.
 3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
 4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
 5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
 6. I often mistake my hands for food.
 7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
 8. I never liked room temperature.
 9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 08:29:38 -0500
From: Gerry White <gawhite@adpc.purdue.edu>
Subject: I hope that you haven't seen, or used, this one yet...
To: yucks

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In
those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals
didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the
bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the
universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory
refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter )
reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a
sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the
original prototype.

Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation.
And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed,
but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical
shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that -- by
performing a single shift instruction -- it could become the Most
Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer
security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Forget that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented
pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk,
restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and
propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue
that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the
Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

(original author unknown)

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 97 15:16:54 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Jell-O Factoids
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Stephen Nelson <StephenNelson@KennedyJenks.com>
From: the April 1997 issue of "Food Processing" Magazine

 - Grapefruit, apples and pears will float in Jell-O; prunes and
maraschino cherries won't.

 - When hooked up to EEG machine, Jell-O demonstrates movement virtually
identical to the brain waves of a healthy man or woman.

[That explains a great deal.  --spaf]

 - Per capita consumption is highest in Salt Lake City.

 - If all of the packages fo Jell-O gelatin dessert produced in one year
were placed end-to-end, they would stretch three-fifths of the way aound
the earth.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Join us as we decide whether to start the day at noon or at midnight.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@swip.net>
Forwarded-by: Tami Friedman <tami@gnu.ai.mit.edu>

From: Oded Maron <oded@ai.mit.edu>
Subject: GSB -- today at 5:30

In October of 1884, representatives from 25 countries around the world
gathered in Washington, DC for the International Meridian Conference.
The attendees included the Hon. W. D. Alexander from Hawaii, Mr. William
Coppinger from Liberia, and Capt. John Stewart (no relation to the talk
show host) from Paraguay.  After much drinking, they decided to have the
prime meridian (a big line drawn across the globe from the north to the
south pole -- longitude 0) go through the Greenwich Observatory in
Greenwich, England.

After they sobered up, the French realized that they had an observatory
which was just as good in Paris.  Why not have the prime meridian there?
Miffed, they refused to acknowledge the conferees' decision, and decided
that for French time-keeping and navigation purposes the prime meridian
will go through the Paris Observatory.  In fact, until 1978 the French
were required to refer to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT) as "Paris Mean Time,
retarded by 9 minutes 21 seconds".

What is the moral of this story?  I'm not sure, but I salute the French
resiliency in the face universal anti-nationalism.  I only hope that when
the time comes, we as a lab will have the intestinal fortitude to stand
up to the world and declare Java to be "Lisp, retarded by 21 years and 6
days".

[Somehow, comparing MIT Lisp hackers and the French has a certain
appeal.  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 08:08:52 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: joke
To: bchen@nstl.com.tw, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, jboenig@inmar.com, jnelson@datarace.com, larry@xxcal.com, Laurelab@aol.com, mbrady@xxcal.com, Robert_Hume@ccmail.us.dell.com, Roman_Szeszycki@ccmail.us.dell.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf, summer@nstl.c

     
---------- Forwarded Message ----------
     
From:   INTERNET:bill.tryon@autodesk.com, INTERNET:bill.tryon@autodesk.com 
     
     
  Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
     The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps 
     for fun.  I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I 
     grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times."  And with 
     that he slams another shot.
     
     The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing.  I 
     take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun 
     of it."  And with that he slams another shot.
     
     The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away.  The 
     first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse 
     and ask,"Where the hell are you going?"
     
     The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the 
     cat."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 19 May 97 02:04:20 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: La Capote noire
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[You don't really have to know French to figure out this joke, but if you're  
stumped you can consult the hint at the end... -psl]

Resent-From: jgagnon@refer.qc.ca
Forwarded-by: Salma Hayek Is Pretty <jgagnon@refer.qc.ca>
Forwarded-by: richard@peaks.ENET.dec.com

An English couple were in Paris when the wife died. The husband wanted the
funeral there, and needed to buy a black hat for the funeral. He mistook
the word "chapeau" and went in search instead for a "capote".

Asking where he could get a capote, he was directed to the chemist's shop,
where he asked for a capote noire.

The man behind the counter said, "Capote noire, capote noire?  Monsieur, we  
have some capotes jaune (yellow), and capotes rouge (red), but black... we  
don't have them.  Why would you want a capote noir?

The poor widower replied "It's for my wife.  She's dead."

"Ah" replied the shop man, "you English... what finesse!"

[Yes, he was asking for a black condom...  -psl]

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 26 Apr 97 16:10:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Lessons in LOLP (Little Old Lady Psychology)
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: eclaire2@juno.com (Claire M Quillici)

How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?

Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 14:54:40 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Man's Best Friend
To: barnard@txdirect.net, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, jboenig@inmar.com, Robert_Hume@ccmail.us.dell.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf

     
     I've had evenings like this in Taiwan after going to the Karaoke bars 
     there...
     

______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________
Subject: Message from Internet
Author:  Catherine Tryon <ctryon@compuserve.com> at ~HIPC-INTERNET
Date:    5/20/97 10:34 PM
     
     
     After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a 
     cocktail to wind down. The bar
               becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon 
     everyone is tanked. All three lose
               track of each other and end up going home separately. The 
     next day at the office, the three gather
               by the watercooler to discuss the past evenings events. The 
     first guy says, "I got so drunk last night
               that I went home and blew chunks."
     
               The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk 
     that I got in my car and drove it right into a
               telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have 
     no car." 
     
               The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got 
     home, I cussed my girlfriend out and
               knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She 
     dumped me, all my belongings are
               destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage."
     
               The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, 
               "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
     

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 Apr 97 19:01:03 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Mirror, Mirror
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: <SCruzin@aol.com>

A young woman buys an old mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her
bathroom door.  One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says
"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four".  There's a
brilliant flash of light, and her breasts are suddenly quite large.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they
both return.  This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror,
mirror on the door, make my penis much bigger!"  But nothing happens.  His
wife says "Maybe it has to rhyme, honey."  So he thinks for a moment and
says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".  This
time, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 27 Apr 97 18:39:19 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Non-Periodic Digest #1
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[I'm afraid this is yet another role in which aperiodic tilings are bound to  
wipe out the competition...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: the potsmaster <silent-tristero@world.std.com>
From: Robin Stephenson <r.stephenson@elsevier.co.uk>

[Penrose is suing toilet-roll manufacturers for using his non-periodic
tiling pattern]

Apparently `quilted' toilet paper is popular, but regular quilting
patterns tend to give unsightly bulges on the roll.  Aperiodic
patterns, on the other hand, don't have the regular repeats and so
don't suffer from the bunching.  Still, perhaps they should have asked
first.

* <http://rysy.msm.cam.ac.uk/~msms/penrose.html>
  Some blurb from Cambridge University about Penrose himself.

* <http://www.cs.uidaho.edu/~casey931/puzzle/penrose/penrose.html>
  Cut-out-and-colour-in penrose tiles (toilet paper is a bit flimsy, I
  suspect - try cardboard)

* <http://www.aie.nl/~geert/java/public/Penrose.html>
  A Java version of the above: quasitiling in an applet.

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 22 May 97 15:34:22 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Proof That the World Revolves Around Bill Gates
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Marc Abrahams <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
From: James W Cerny <jim.cerny@unh.edu>

If you want further proof that Bill Gates really is the axis around which
the world revolves, go to the Web site for his recently formed company,
Teledesic, the compnay that is going to put the Internet in the sky via 841
satellites.

There is an extraordinary animated GIF file that shows how this will work.
The really cool thing is not just that it has the satellites moving in
orbit, but it has the earth turning (slowly) underneath *in the wrong
direction*  ... or should I say, in what will become the right direction?!

   http://www.teledesic.com/visualizations/npole.html

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 18:23:25 -0500
From: young (Michal Young)
Subject: Quote
To: spaf

"Had the designers of Java foreseen the volume of vaporware and other
flatulence to which the language would give rise, perhaps they might have
named it for some other species of bean."

Dave Makower, "March of the Mac IDEs"
>From //www.javaworld.com/javaworld/jw-08-1996/jw-08-mac-ides.html

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 03:50:03 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)

 TIP FOR THE DAY

 Get up every morning with a purpose, not a reason.  If you don't know
 the difference, picture a robbery taking place in an alley.  The guy
 holding the gun is being "purposeful."  The guy forking over his wallet
 is being "reasonable."

 - Rich Hall, From Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright (c) 1994

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 23 May 1997 13:30:07 -0500
From: cep ("Craig E. Pfeifer")
Subject: submitted fo your approval
To: val@synthcom.com, owner-junk, phillip.sorrells@compaq.com, deburris@texas.net

	This is probably the nth time this has been around the net (6 degrees),
but I hadn't seen it yet...

------- Forwarded Message

To: cep
From: "Brian A. Long" <blong@ecn.purdue.edu>
Subject: Computer funnies

The computer Lord's Prayer...

>Our Hard Drive
>which art internal
>volume C by name.
>Thy code be clean,
>Thy fonts be seen
>on screen as they are on paper.
>Give us this day our documents,
>and lead us not into fragmentation
>but deliver us our data.
>For thine is the SCSI,
>and the EISA, and the NuBus,
>forever and ever,
>Amen.

------- End of Forwarded Message

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Tech-support is not for the squeamish.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Skimmed from alt.tech-support.recovery....

--------

Shannon Alexander (merino@bellsouth.net) wrote:
: Just had a customer call in with a "pendulum intel" computer asking for
: our "dominion" name (the Empire IS rising after all) and wanting to know
: if he needed to install "hypertherminal".

: They're just so cute I could squeeze them and squeeze them and squeeze
: them to DEATH!!!

Ah ... my friend had a gerbil.  And a little sister.  The little sister
liked to cuddle the gerbil.  One day she cuddled the gerbil a little too
hard.  And, presenting my friend with the corpse, said "Look, the gerbil's
stopped working.  Can you fix it?" in an endearing five-year-old sort of
way.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 2 May 1997 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The dangers of taking a service droid off script
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: byron@netapp.com (Byron Rakitzis)
Forwarded-by: raymondc@microsoft.com (Raymond Chen)

So the 2.30p flight from San Jose to Seattle doesn't take off until 5p.
But that's a different story.  The point is it's now 8pm: I'm tired, I'm
irritable, I'm hungry, I'm lazy.  So I decide to avail myself of that
characteristically American service industry: The fast-food restaurant.

For reasons of privacy, I've changed the name of the establishment in
question and its star sandwich for the purpose of this narrative.  Let's
call it "Burger Kong" and "The Whimper".

I arrive at the counter and order a Whimper with cheese combo.

There is an odd pause.  A bad sign.  Upon further examination, I realize
why:  There is no "Whimper with cheese combo" on the menu.  There's a
"Whimper combo" and a "Bacon Whimper with cheese combo", but no "Whimper
with cheese combo."

Burger Kong Droid: You mean a Bacon Whimper with cheese combo?

Me: No, just a regular Whimper with cheese combo.

BKD: You mean a Whimper combo?

Me: No, a Whimper with cheese combo.

The BKD is now very confused.  So I decide to change my order to get the
ordeal over with.

Me: Nevermind. I'd like a Whimer combo.  Number 2 on the menu.

The BKD's demeanor suddenly changes:  I'm back on script!  Thus relieved,
the BKD then asks the next question on the script, the question that
demonstrates why this story is being retold:

BKD: Would you like cheese on your Whimper?

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 21 May 97 23:37:53 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Middle Aged Virgin
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Brian Smith <bdws@eskimo.com>
Forwarded-by: KarenD

    A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get
married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their
hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle...
I am still a virgin."  The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been
married 3 times before."
    The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way:  My first husband
was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.  My
second husband was an astronomer and all he ever wanted to do was look at
it."  Catching her breath, she then added, "And my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he ever wanted to do was.................God, I miss him!"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 28 Apr 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: walding@tkg.com

Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians,
With Their Translated "Country" Definitions

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard -- There's one in every family

Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

Bass -- The things you run around in softball

Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

Cut Time -- Parole

Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family
barbecues

Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll
Cream!"

Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when
company comes

Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or
"Dori-toes"

Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of
formal schooling

Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer
truck with

Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used
Betty Jo

Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come
in at 4 a.m.

Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to
sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain:
"Damn! That was a major scale!"

Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie

Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

------------------------------

Date: Thu, 22 May 97 01:05:30 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: True story, sounds like a joke, isn't
To: Fun_People@langston.com

[Hmmmm... perhaps just a little too good to be true...  -psl]

Forwarded-by: Bea Lackaff <beal@comtch.iea.com>
Forwarded-by: Charlie Cockey <chasfant@ix.netcom.com>

Forwarded-by: Janos Gereben

Real letter forwarded by a real person, not identified here
to be protected from the wrath of one deity or another:
>
>  Dear John,
>
>  As you know, We've been working real hard in our town to get
>  prayer back in our schools. Finally, the school board approved a
>  plan of teacher-led prayer with the children participating at
>  their own option. Children not wishing to participate were to
>  be allowed to stand out in the hallway during prayer time. We
>  hoped someone would sue us so we could go all the way to the
>  supreme court and get the old devil-inspired ruling reversed.
>
>  Naturally, we were all excited by the school board action. As
>  you know, our own little Billy (not so little, any more though)
>  is now in the second grade. Of course, Margaret and I explained
>  to him no matter what the other kids did, he was going to stay
>  in the classroom and participate.
>
>  After the first day of school, I asked him "how did the
>  prayer time go?"
>  "Fine.
>  "Did many kids go out into the hallway?"
>  "Two.
>  "Excellent. How did you like your teachers prayer?"
>  "It was different, dad. Real different from the way you pray."
>  "Oh? Like how?"
>  "She said,'Hail Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners...'"
>
>  The next day I talked with the principal. I politely explained
>  I wasn't prejudiced against Catholics but I would appreciate
>  Billy being transferred to a non-Catholic teacher. The
>  principal said it would be done right away.
>
>  At supper that evening I asked Billy to say the blessings. He
>  slipped out of his chair, sat cross-legged, closed his eyes,
>  raised his hand palms up in the air and began to hum.
>
>  You'd better believe I was at the principal's office at eight
>  o'clock the next morning. "Look," I said. 'I don't really know
>  much about these Transcendental Meditationists, but I would feel
>  a lot more comfortable If you could move Billy to a room where
>  the teacher practices an older, more established religion.
>
>  That afternoon I met Billy as soon as he walked in the door
>  after school.
>
>  "I don't think you're going to like Mrs. Nakasone's prayer,
>  either, Dad."
>  "Out with it."
>  "She kept calling O Great Buddha..."
>
>  The following morning I was waiting for the principal in the
>  school parking lot.
>
>  "Look, I don't want my son praying to the Eternal Spirit of
>  whatever to Buddha. I want him to have a teacher who prays in
>  Jesus' name!"
>  "What about Bertha Smith?"
>  "Excellent."
>
>  I could hardly wait to hear about Mrs. Smith's prayer. I was
>  standing on the front steps of the school when the final bell
>  rang.
>
>  "Well?" I asked Billy as we walked towards the car.
>
>  "Okay."
>  "Okay what?"
>  "Mrs. Smith asked God to bless us and ended her prayer in Jesus'
>  name, amen just like you."
>
>  I breathed a sigh of relief. "Now we're getting some place."
>
>  "She even taught us a verse of scripture about prayer," said
>  Billy.
>
>  I beamed. "Wonderful. What was the verse?"
>
>  "Lets see..." he mused for a moment. "And behold, they began to
>  pray; and they did pray unto Jesus, calling him their Lord and
>  their God."
>
>  We had reached the car. "Fantastic," I said reaching for the
>  door handle. Then paused. I couldn't place the scripture.
>  "Billy, did Mrs. Smith say what book that verse was from?"
>
>  "Third Nephi, chapter 19, verse 18."
>  "Nephi what?"
>  "Nephi," he said. "It's in the Book of Mormon.
>
>  The school board doesn't meet for a month. I've given Billy
>  very definite instructions that at prayer time each day he's to
>  go out into the hallway. I plan to be at that board meeting. If
>  they don't do something about this situation, I'LL sue. I'LL
>  take it all the way to the Supreme Court if I have to. I don't
>  need schools or anybody else teaching my son about religion. We
>  can take care of that ourselves at home and at church, thank
>  you very much.
>
>  Give my love to Sandi and the boys.
>
>  Your buddy,
>  Juan
>  CALVARY BAPTIST CHURCH

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 29 Apr 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: World's Shortest JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>

So this seal walks into a club.

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------