Yucks Digest V7 #7 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Sat, 17 May 97       Volume 7 : Issue   7 

Today's Topics:
            ... a free copy of "Moft Off for Moft Win 95"
                          1997 Darwin Award
                bet you have already seen this but...
                            Chili contest
                        Dead Cow & The Mermaid
                          Enjoy your flight!
                    Excerpted: BONG Bull No. 421!
               From the Republic of Texas Constitution
                    FW: Did you get a new haircut?
                         Fw: Quote of the day
    FW: telephone service humor from a friend at the FCC... (fwd)
                        Fwd: Microsoft Bashing
                          Heard on the Radio
                       HTML O' The Day (2 msgs)
                            I love lawyers
                    In case you were wondering...
                     Marriage problems - resolved
                         Myers-Briggs Prayers
               One Day at the MatheMexican Drive-In...
                     Picking up Women of the Day
             Pierre, Pierre, wherefore art thou, Pierre?
                      Post-Cold War Pentagon Ad
                      Quote of the day (4 msgs)
                        Reading and Knitting?
                         Submission for Yucks
          Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory
                        True, lamentably true.
    Waiter, there's a fly . . . [mumble] . . . all want one, too!
                   Why we love Macintosh; unless...
                    Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
                      Year 292271023 bug in Java

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... a free copy of "Moft Off for Moft Win 95"
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: chuck@yerkes.com
Forwarded-by:	Alex Reith <alexr@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by:	Bill Hawkins <whawkins@frugal.com>
Forwarded-by: 	JMill29@aol.com <JMill29@aol.com>
Forwarded-by:	fordj@elwha.evergreen.edu (John Ford)

  Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft"
which will clear up space on users' hard disks.  It is estimated that a
typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of
the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements,
'About' screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files containing
nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc. So, after the change,
a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of
hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.

  "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said
Bill Gates, CEO of Moft.  "But we have never cared about that. The change
will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving
about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening
the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft
Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

  Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged long
filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames underneath. He
did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a little ugly. Gates added
that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been
rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.


Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 19:22:55 -0500
From: kuhn ("Markus G. Kuhn")
Subject: 1997 Darwin Award
To: cs590t

>From: Ken Simila <ksimila@oda.state.or.us>

I received word of this 1997 nomination over the net today

Named in recognition of Charles Darwin, this posthumous Award annually
goes to the person(s) who has(have) advanced the human race by
eliminating themselves from the gene pool through the stupidity of
their own actions.

Previous winners include: (for '95) the soft drink thief who died when
he was crushed by the pop machine he tipped on himself while trying to
tilt it to steal a soda, and (for '96) the speed freak whose Chevrolet
went airborne in Arizona and imbedded itself in a cliff 20 m above the
highway when two purloined military aircraft JATO (Jet-Assisted-
Take-Off) bottles were attached, ignited and propelled his vehicle to
over 500 km/h down a highway to a slight rise where it became airborne
until the cliff intervened.

One 1997 Darwin Award nominee is from Connecticut where many high
voltage electricity transmission lines crisscross the state.  These
are held up by transmission towers of various configurations.
Adventurous folks sometimes climb the towers in order to enjoy the
view and the night air.  Most stay away from the wires, and when they
get bored, come back down.

This '97 Darwin Nominee was apparently forlorn after a recent spat
with his girlfriend and, thinking he needed some fresh air to clear
his head, decided to climb a tower.  He stopped for a 6 pack of his
favorite malt beverage to help focus his thoughts, went to a
transmission tower south of Hartford CT, next to I-91, and climbed it.

Public Service CT employees later pieced the story together.  The man
apparently sat there 20 m above the highway, drank his beer and
consoled his bruised ego.  After 5 beers, he needed to do what people
often need to do after 5 beers.  It being such a long climb down, he
unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.

Electricity is a funny thing.  One doesn't need to touch a wire in
order to get shocked.  Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,
like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as
2 m.  When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the
electricity arced to his electrolyte "stream" (urine is an excellent
conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew
him off the tower.

The power company operators noted a momentary outage on this
transmission line and sent a crew to see what had caused it.  When
they got to the base of the tower, they found 5 empty beer cans, a
very dead person, his trouser fly down, and what was left of his
private parts smoking.  A single unopened beer can was left on top of
the tower.


Date: Wed, 7 May 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Ba-dum!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Forwarded-by: "Cochell, Jim" <jim_cochell@penmetrics.com>

    Dan is in a bar and he has had quite a few already.  At two o'clock,
last round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he drinks
another beer, simply because they taste so good.  After the final beer,
he gets up from his stool and immediately falls on the floor.  He tries
to get up, but again he falls.  He knew he had had one, perhaps a few,
too many, but...  After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to
crawl home.  At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to
stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his
wife.  So very, very carefully he crawls inside to his bed and very
quietly slips under the covers without waking his wife.
    The next morning his wife wakes him and asks him furiously, "Were you
drunk again last night"?
    Danny, surprised at being caught, asks her how she knew!
    "They just called from the bar.  You left your wheelchair there."


Date: Thu, 15 May 1997 16:11:49 -0700 (PDT)
From: de@ucolick.org (De Clarke)
Subject: bet you have already seen this but...
To: spaf

>> Furor Erupts in Brigham City Schools <<<<<<
>> A.P.  (Brigham city, Utah) -- The Brigham City School Board
>> met in an emergency session yesterday with the city council to
>> consider allegations that the school district's youngest
>> charges were being inculcated with a pro-gay ideology and
>> same-sex marriage.
>> The issue arose after scores of parents complained that
>> children in the kindergarten class at Brigham Elementary were
>> being led in a game which mimicked same-sex marriages.  At
>> issue was the game "The Farmer in the Dell."
>> Renee Mott, the accused kindergarten teacher, explained: "The
>> class is way over-balanced with girls.  I mean, we have lots
>> more girls than boys. Sometimes it just happens that way, it's
>> just chance.  So when we play "Farmer in the Dell, sometimes I
>> let a girl go first, so that everybody gets a turn."
>> The problem arises with the next line of the children's song:
>> "the farmer takes a wife." The girl-farmer would often choose
>> another little girl to join her in the circle as the "farmer's
>> wife."
>> "This is just setting a bad example to our young and
>> impressionable children," said Jared Day, whose child is in
>> the class.  "If you don't stand up for family values, this
>> country is going to go right down the toilet."
>> "It's upsetting the natural order of things," concurred Lisa
>> Perkins, "and it's upsetting me, too." "It's like dragging
>> those innocent children down into a ditch.  It's an outrage
>> that we can't protect our own children from that sort of
>> filth," said her husband, Wayne Perkins.
>> "I know these things may happen in other places," said
>> Janabell Millett. "But this is Brigham City.  We can't let
>> that kind of pollution into our town.  And into the
>> kindergarten, no less!"
>> The extent of the furor over this issue can be gauged by the
>> number of town citizens who have got involved -- far more than
>> just the parents of students in the kindergarten class.  At
>> the extraordinary joint session of the School Board and the
>> city council, over 200 parents and others showed up to voice
>> concerns, and petitions were submitted with hundreds of names.
>> "Somebody told us about this in Relief Society last Sunday,"
>> said Filene Dunnbody, referring to the Mormon women's weekly
>> church meeting.  "We started the petition right then and
>> there.  We just knew we had to take action; we were all so mad
>> about those poor little children.  After we got everyone in
>> Relief Society to sign, we took it over to the men's quorums
>> and they were glad to sign on too.  Even some of the youth
>> signed."
>> It was rumored that Mormon churches in neighboring towns were
>> gearing up to bus in hundreds more parents to the next School
>> Board meeting, should the issue not find an immediate
>> resolution.
>> Parents in Brigham City have organized an action committee,
>> and have stated that they will sue the school board and the
>> kindergarten teacher personally for psychic damage to their
>> children.  They have asked a BYU Law School professor to
>> represent them in the case, and have already drafted a law for
>> the State legislature which would ban all play acting of
>> same-sex marriage in the public schools.
>> When kindergarten teacher Renee Mott testified to the combined
>> school board and town council that the situation had come
>> about entirely innocently, her explanation was met with
>> pronounced scepticism.
>> "I just wanted all the children to have a turn," she
>> concluded, visibly shaken.
>> "I don't care how "innocent" this thing started," responded
>> LeClare Moffatt, speaking for the combined council.  "If not
>> all the students get a turn, that's just too bad.  There are
>> more important issues at stake here."
>> "The farmer has to be a boy," concurred Mayor Tom Merrill.  "A
>> boy gets picked first.  That's the way we always played the
>> game, and that's the way it should be played.  You might as
>> well get used to it."
>> The extraordinary joint session of parents and school board
>> dismissed after reaching a tentative solution.  Regardless of
>> class sex ratios, boys would be picked first.  However, in the
>> interests of fairness, the position of "the Cheese" would be
>> reserved for a girl.  At the end of the game, the children
>> sing "the Cheese stands alone, the cheese stands alone.  Hi ho
>> the dairy-O, the cheese stands alone."
>> "That should be enough to make anyone happy," concluded school
>> board president Jack Peterson.
>> C.  K.  Woodworth,
>> A.P. remote correspondent

no idea if it is for real or not...


Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Chili contest
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: John Kochmar <kochmar@psc.edu>
Forwarded-by: Laura Bentrem <lb@SEI.CMU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Edwin Huang <huang@mayan-sys.com>
Forwarded-by: Mark Hall <crunch@spimageworks.com>

Subject: Chili contest
	-- from an unknown source (apparently named Cameron):

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else
wanted  to do it.  Also the original personal called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer
and therefore known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the

Chili #1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  Hope that's
the worst one.  These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line.  The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under
her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill.  I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.  Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably behind
her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it.  Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her.  When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled -- it's kinda cute.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.   I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment.  I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3,
he ap pears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water.  My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll
know what killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.  Tell
our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call
the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled
the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Mommie ... ???


Date: 9 May 97 04:32:19 EDT (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay
Subject: cutie
To: spaf

Contributed by: slerner@sesame (Simcha-Yitzchak Lerner)

In the 1980's at a large aerospace firm that did a lot of contract work
for the government, the project contract said that the software source
that got turned in to the buyer must be written in either FORTRAN or
the assembly language for the given machine.  The engineers in this
group preferred to do things in a more comfortable fashion.  They wrote
everything in Pascal, which made thing much easier for them.  They
compiled their Pascal programs, and tested them, ran them, got
satisfied with them.  They then would run the Pascal code files through
the dis-assembler, and send the buyer a nice long assembly listing
like the contract asked for.  (Of course, there were no *comments* in
the generated listing!)

[Sounds like the method some of my students have used....  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 7 May 1997 10:19:44 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Dead Cow & The Mermaid
To: barnard@txdirect.net, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, larry@xxcal.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf

     This is pretty offensive, but funny...

Subject: Dead Cow & The Mermaid
Author:  Catherine Tryon <ctryon@compuserve.com> at ~HIPC-INTERNET
Date:    5/2/97 9:31 PM
     [Fwd headers removed]
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three 
sons.  Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of 
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was 
lying dead in the field.  The situation looked hopeless to her -- how 
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.  When the man awoke to 
find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the 
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the 
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When 
he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.  She 
said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But if you 
will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents 
and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he 
was simply unable to satisfy her again.  So the mermaid drowned him in 
the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what had 
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.  The mermaid 
said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will 
make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven 
times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him 
in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the 
field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that life was a hopeless 
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  And there 
he also met the mermaid.  "I have seen all that has happened, and I can 
make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in 
a row." The young son replied, "Is that all?  Why not twenty times in a 
row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.  Then he 
said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was 
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a 
Finally, she said, "Enough!!  Okay, if you will have sex with me 
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect 
health." Then the young son asked, "Wait!  How do I know that thirty 
times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"


Date: Tue, 13 May 1997 13:27:24 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Drivers
To: barnard@txdirect.net, blackrc@theworks.com, dag-john@nccn.net, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, Robert_Hume@ccmail.us.dell.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf

     Find yourself in the following profile...
______________________________ Forward Header __________________________________
Subject: Drivers 
Author:  Shane Davey at DMC-SJ1
Date:    5/9/97 7:48 AM
     One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:  New York
     One hand on wheel, one finger out window:  Chicago
     One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: 
     One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,  brick on accelerator: 
     *with gun in lap:  L.A.
     Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in 
     terror:  Ohio, but driving in California.
     Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,  head turned 
     to talk to someone in back seat:  Italy
     One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on 
     brake, mind on game:  Seattle
     One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both 
     feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a 
     McDonalds bag out the window:  Texas city male
     One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed 
     steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming 
     around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the 
     road: Texas country male
     One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different 
     angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and 
     rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, 
     poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl 
     inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
     Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly 
     checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from 
     their own or another's car: Colorado
     One hand on steering wheel,  yelling obscenities, the other hand 
     waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye 
     out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick 
     up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: 
     Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
     Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer 
     cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
    Same truck on blocks minus four wheels:  Alabama male
     Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now 
     wearing a barrel: Las Vegas


Date: Thu, 08 May 1997 16:02:13 -0500
From: kuhn ("Markus G. Kuhn")
Subject: Enjoy your flight!
To: coast-students, spaf, lutterdc, palsberg, cnkuhn@cip.ft.uni-erlangen.de, msprosch@ipb.uni-erlangen.de

I found this testimony of efficient communication in military
aviation quite reassuring ...

      From actual military "squawk sheets". (Squawk sheets are
      maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to inform the
      maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.)

      Problem:  "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
      Solution:  "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

      Problem:  "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
      Solution:  "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

      Problem #1:  "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
      Solution #1:  "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
      Problem #2:  "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

      Problem:  "The autopilot doesn't."
      Signed off:  "IT DOES NOW."

      Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
      Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

      Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
      Solution: "Evidence removed."

      Problem: "Number three engine missing."
      Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

      Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
      Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

      Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
      Solution: Live bugs on order.

      Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
      Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

      Problem: IFF inoperative.
      Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

      Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
      Solution: That's what they're there for.


Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Excerpted: BONG Bull No. 421!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: mlinksva@netcom.com (Mike Linksvayer)

CROSS ABOUT CROSSWORDS.  Donna Riley-Lein notes that high-class 
puns were not infrequent in the National Observer.  A crossword 
puzzle clue read, "Warning for Macbeth to flee, as Burnham Wood 
advanced upon Dunsinane" turned into 15 letters, "Cheese it, the 
     The Sunday New York Times puzzle is no less cruel, and has 
the advantage of being in a paper that survived.  One zinger, 
"Blue ship strikes red ship."  The printout:  "Sailors marooned."


Date: Wed, 07 May 1997 13:19:46 -0500
From: Bill Woodward <wpwood@pswtech.com>
Subject: From the Republic of Texas Constitution
To: yucks

Makes me proud to be a Texan!!!

------- Forwarded Message

The Top 16 Items in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution

16> Tax code allows deduction for one hostage takeover/standoff per
    family, per year.

15> Every Thursday: 2-for-1 drinks at Hooters!

14> Nobuddy shuld be descrimnated aginst, less'n he's from New York
    (or is otherwise Jewish or Muslim or somethin'), or is just
    kinda dark or differnt in some way.

13> Barbecued ribs are legal tender for all debts.

12> Congress shall make no law restricting the size of hats or belt

11> Citizens to receive one vote per gun owned.

10> Constitutional amendment requires 2/3 majority of both houses
    of legislature.  Either that, or Tom Landry's say-so.

 9> The right to bare breasts, but only on cable, dammit -- not in
    real life.

 8> Vegetarians count as 3/5 of a person.

 7> Freedom of religion: you can worship the Cowboys *or* Willie

 6> Civil disputes that cannot be resolved in court shall be
    settled by a chili cook-off.

 5> Freedom of Delusion.

 4> No citizen will be charged extra for gravy on French fries.

 3> Cold beer cans can be used as "testicular temperature
    regulators" when operating a motor vehicle.

 2> State bird:  Raised middle finger.

and the Number 1 Item in the "Republic of Texas" Constitution...

 1> You have the right to be on the cover of Trailer Park Trash

------- End of Forwarded Message


Date: Thu, 08 May 97 10:16:41 PST
From: Donna.Lantello-CC@ccmailsmtp.ast.com
Subject: FW: Did you get a new haircut?
To: hhumor@smartlink.net

 Haircuts - The difference between men and women  
 Women's version:
 Woman2: Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!  
 Woman1: Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she gave me
 the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?  

 Woman2: Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair
 cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much  
 stuck with this stuff I think.
 Woman1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And
 you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so  
 cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was 
 afraid it would accent my long neck.
 Woman2: Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!
 Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for  
 a shoulder line.
 Woman1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have  
 your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean,
 look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had your  
 shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. 

        - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

 Men's version:
 Man2:   Haircut?
 Man1:   Yeah.


Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 16:44:37 -0400
From: "Yechezkal Shimon Gutfreund" <sgutfreund@gte.com>
Subject: Fw: Quote of the day

> Webster's Dictionary (7th edition) says that
> OBJECT is derived from the Latin neuter of "obicere", meaning to throw  
>in the   way, to hinder.
> ORIENT is derived from the Latin "oriri", to rise, thus [archaic]  
> Thus, OBJECT-ORIENTED must mean "A glitzy thing that hinders and gets
> in the way".


Date: Fri, 16 May 1997 10:02:28 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: FW: telephone service humor from a friend at the FCC... (fwd)
To: spaf

Sometime in 1999:

"Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer
service. May I help you?"

"Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone."

"Our records show you don't have local phone service through us."

"How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name."

"We have ways."

"Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service."

"Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV,
Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone
service must be through one of the other three big communications
companies. Have you looked at your bill?"

"My bill is 134 pages long."

"Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become
your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off
long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and
family members who have an Internet home page."

"It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed."

"Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us,
try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up
for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet
starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray

"Thanks. Goodbye."

Click. Dial. Ring.

"Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific

"Little Caesars? You do pizza?"

"You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You
get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable."

"Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right."

"I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have
your phone over a phone line."

"A phone line, I think."

"OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little
Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on
demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service
over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the
other companies."

"Thanks. I'll call them."

"And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're
offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less
than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide
you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a
device or appliance."

"No, thanks. Bye."

Click. Dial. Ring.

"Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."

"I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."

"You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We
used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that
got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but
then decided to start fresh.  So we're Endorphin Enterprises."


"Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get

"Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't
seem to work right."

"Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?"

"I'm not sure."

"We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV,
satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so
does everybody else these days."

"Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called
two other companies with long names."

"Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all
with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all
the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we
only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a

"No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."

"My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T.
That's the only other company left in the business."

"OK, I'll try AT&T."

Click. Dial. Ring.

"Hello. AT&T. Bob Allen speaking."

"Bob Allen? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."

"No problem. Hold on a moment."

Pause. Rustling sounds.

"Hello. Customer service. Bob Allen speaking."

"Mr. Allen, I really just wanted customer service."

"This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes
totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love
it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year."

"Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need
someone to come fix it."

"Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt."


Date: Tue, 06 May 1997 09:56:40 -0700
From: Adam Sah <asah@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: Fwd: Microsoft Bashing
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Subj:   25 things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars:

     1)  A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after
     that year - instead of before it.

     2)  Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy
     a new car.

     3)  Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have
     to restart it.  For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.

     3a)  Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop
     and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine.  For some
     strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

     3b)  But that wouldn't work, you'd have to take the engine out, do
     nothing to it, then put it back in.

     4)  You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
     bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT".  But then you'd have to buy more

     5)  Sun Motor Systems would make a car that was powered by the sun,
     twice as reliable, and five times as fast - but it would only run on
     five percent of the roads.

     6)  The oil, engine, fuel and alternator warning lights would be
     replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

     7)  People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft
     cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars
     for many years.

     8)  We'd all have to switch to Microsoft fuel.

     9)  The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto maker
     instead of giving them.

     10)  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

     11)  The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

     12)  The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need
     to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "brake".

     13)  For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc
     and would take 5 minutes to boot up.

     14)  They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with
     their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders,
     multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve
     design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an
     "Engine Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most
     existing roads.

     15) Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail
     or Cancel?"

     20)  You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.

     22)  The speedo would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.

     23)  They would make a flashy convertible model, where if you raised
     the top the engine would overheat.

     24) The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car
     would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant

     25)  Everytime you carried a new passenger you would have to alter the
     cars configuration settings. When the passenger alights these
     configurations would remain in place.


Date: Fri, 9 May 1997 05:53:45 -0400 (EDT)
From: The Dad <scottlee@mindspring.com>
Subject: Heard on the Radio
To: spaf

It turns out that the Army is now worried that the men accused of various 
sex crimes in the have been spreading various "social diseases."  They 
are now bringing a new meaning to the term "dishonorable discharge."

Ta dum dum.


Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 13:10:42 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
To: barnard@txdirect.net, Gordon_Page@medicalogic.com, Robert_Hume@ccmail.us.dell.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf

     For those of us who really don't like Microsoft...

From: <bill.tryon@autodesk.com>
Date: Tue, 01 Apr 97 16:54:05 PST
     Poor taste perhaps??? Nahhhhhh....
 by Charles Forsythe
REDMOND -- Microsoft Corporation has announced plans to acquire the 
Website and Internet development corporation Higher Source for an 
undisclosed fee.  "Higher Source has proven its commitment to strange 
mind-control cults and UFO religions," said Microsoft spokeswoman, 
Anita Klue,"Their willingness to kill themselves for the sake of their 
technology is the kind of dynamic that Microsoft wants to promote."
In conjunction with the acquisition, Microsoft announced a new program 
called "Active Cult 97", which is expected to be in place by late 
1998.  Active Cult aims to make the use of Microsoft technology more 
of a religion-driven decision as opposed to a technology-driven 
decision.  "This isn't expected to be a big change for Microsoft's 
customer base," explained Ms. Klue.  Details of Active Cult were not 
disclosed, but it was suggested that instead of crashing with the 
infamous "blue screen of death" or "General Protection Fault", 
Microsoft's operating systems would merely display the message 
"Windows died for your sins."
Mike S. Brown, who writes about the industry in his PC Weak column 
"M.S. Brown Knows" responded enthusiastically to the announcement. 
"This really raises the stakes for Internet development.  IBM may be 
content to kill its own products, like OS/2, but Microsoft is willing 
to kill its own developers and maybe even some customers.  That's the 
kind of bold difference that will make UNIX, OS/2 and the Mac 
completely irrelavent by the end of 1996!"  When is was pointed out 
that 1996 was already over, Mr. Brown retorted,"No it's not!  If it 
was, then Microsoft would be behind schedule on Windows 97 -- which it 
An IBM employee, who asked to remain anonymous due to the fact that 
the whole issue was "extremely silly," said that "IBM is committed to 
the future of network computing and OS/2 is an important part of that 
future."  He added that,"IBM is not interested in promoting suicide. 
If you want to talk about promoting suicide, talk to Microsoft's 
ISVs.  Can you say `Citrix'?"
Reaction amongst Windows users was generally positive.  Ben de Miover, 
CIO for a large company which recently switched its operations from the 
Apple MacIntosh to Windows 95, explained,"Windows is really cool 
because you can play Quake in, like, a window and stuff."  He also 
cited a complete lack of Windows 95 applications for the MacIntosh. 
"How can modern business function without Windows 95 applications. 
Y'know, like Quake?"  In addition, he was pretty sure that OS/2 and 
UNIX were "new wave bands from L.A."
Linus Torvalds was unavailable for comment.


Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: HTML O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

	[For folks who enjoyed the recently posted Olin Shivers preface,
	 another classic by him.]

        Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS party, picnic,
        or bullsession, we always hear the same questions and discussions,
        usually from the younger grad students.
        He may have been all of 65, but his .357 Magnum had been in his
        hand when he hit the ground, a reflexive feat of almost mystical
        proportions, considering that by the time he'd become aware of
        the danger to himself, most of his processing hardware had become
        so much organic garbage heading west at Mach 1.

	Our oyster sauces may set the standard for all to follow, but
	we're much more than oyster sauce.

	Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet

	The generation of cryptographically strong random numbers seeded
	with the cryptographic hash of a digitization of a chaotic system
	... in particular 6 Lava Lite (R) Lamps.

	My chicken curry sounded nicely safe and feminine, but with the
	vindaloo sauce it was about as safe and feminine as two bull dykes
	wrapping Jane Seymour in a spiked leather gimp suit and whipping
	her through town screaming, "Go, bitch!"


Date: Thu, 15 May 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: HTML O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

	Crrrraaaaazy Joe's Internet Bungee Jump.

	So no matter what the volume of material is you need to destroy,
	SEM offers a complete line of disintegrators to help you
	accomplish the task.

	The story of ping.

	The world's first oven incorporating Intel's Pentium MMX
	technology has been demonstrated in Sydney. The device
	houses no less than 6 of the new MMX microprocessors, but
	in an unusual twist it uses the chips for their heat
	generating properties rather than their computing ability.

	Jack the Ripper: "Light-hearted Friend"


Date: Tue, 13 May 1997 14:56:06 -0500
From: kuhn ("Markus G. Kuhn")
Subject: I love lawyers
To: coast-students, spaf

Hey, paranoia friends!

We all know well the various humorous disclaimers that people add to their
e-mail and USENET signatures. However it seems that some companies take this
seriously.  Coopers & Lybrand has probably the most impressive .signature
appendix to all their e-mails that I have seen so far (and this is from an
e-mail where they asked me for some friendly free advice regarding
digital TV systems!)

------- Forwarded Message
This document should only be read by 
those persons to whom it is addressed 
and is not intended to be relied 
upon by any person without subsequent 
written confirmation of its contents. 
Accordingly, Coopers & Lybrand disclaim 
all responsibility and accept no 
liability (including in negligence) for 
the consequences for any person acting, 
or refraining from acting, on such 
information prior to the receipt by 
those persons of subsequent written 

If you have received this E-mail message 
in error, please notify us immediately 
by telephone. Please also destroy and 
delete the message from your computer. 

Any form of reproduction, dissemination, 
copying, disclosure, modification, 
distribution and/or publication of this 
E-mail message is strictly prohibited.
------- End of Forwarded Message


P.S.: You have now the right to destroy and delete this message
from your computer under the condition that you indemnify me from
any liability (including negligence) for any harmfull (or harmless)
effects that this action (or lack thereof) might have on you, your
computer, anyone else, anyone else's computer or anything at all,
whatsoever and wherever. :-)


Date: Tue, 13 May 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: In case you were wondering...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

From: DHaynes@sqa.com

Q: Should you select additional personal accident insurance coverage
   when you rent a car?

Here's some info to help you decide:

#1: It is better to become accidentally dead in the US (in a rental car).
#2: It is better to become accidentally dismembered in Canada.
#3: It is ALWAYS more lucrative to be the driver.  Nobody gives a shit
    if you get mangled as the passenger.
#4: It pays more to lose a body part, sight, speech or hearing, than to
    become a quadriplegic.  

Tip: If you are in an accident in Canada and your legs have been crushed
and you think you will be a paraplegic, you can increase your benefit
from 6,250 to 100,000 by lobbing your own feet off.  Those Canadians,
they really know how to put value on disability.

Excerpted from the Personal Accident Insurance (PAI) section of the Hertz
#1 Club Gold Rental Terms & Conditions booklet, dated January 1, 1997:

For rentals in the U.S.:	

Benefits				For you:	For each passenger:
Accidental Death			175,000		17,500
Accidental medical
	Expenses not to exceed	   	  2,500		 2,500
Ambulance Expenses not to exceed	    250		   250

For rentals in Canada:
Benefits:				For renter:	For each passenger:
Accidental Death			100,000		10,000
Loss of both hands,
	both feet or both eyes		100,000		10,000
Loss of one hand *and* one foot		100,000		10,000
Loss of one hand *and* one eye -or-
	one foot *and* one eye		100,000		10,000
Loss of speech *and* hearing		100,000		10,000
Loss of one arm -or- one leg		 75,000		 7,500
Loss of one hand, one foot or one eye	 66,667		 6,667
Loss of speech -or- hearing		 50,000		 5,000
Loss of thumb
	*and* index finger of one hand	 33,333		 3,333
Loss of hearing in one ear		 16,667		 1,667
Quadriplegia				 12,500		 1,250
Paraplegia				  6,250		   625
Hemiplegia				  6,250		   625


Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Forwarded-by: nbatliv@compuware.com (Nariman Batlivala)
Forwarded-by: Cyrus_Karkaria/Cambridge/Biogen.BIOGEN@biogen.com

    Some months after marrying a woman much his junior, a ninety-year-old
man mentioned to his doctor that they were expecting a baby!
"Let me tell you a story," smiled the doctor.  "There was an absent-minded
fellow who went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella as
he left.  Suddenly, a bear charged him!  Pointing his umbrella at the bear,
he shot and killed it on the spot!"
    "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed.  "Somebody else must have shot
that bear."
    "Exactly," replied the doctor.


Date: Wed,  7 May 97 18:03:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Marriage problems - resolved
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Forwarded-by: "Truscello, Roberta" <RT@sswhb.com>
Forwarded-by: Dan Hearn

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom!
I have great news! I'm getting married to Mary Collins, the most beautiful
girl in town." After dinner, George's dad took him aside,  "Son, I have to
talk with you. Look at your mother, George.  She and I have been married 30
years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm
afraid Mary is actually your half sister so you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne
said yes! We're getting married in June."  Again his father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half
sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his
father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to
get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is his daughter." "I wish you'd told me this before." his mother said,
shaking her head "But don't be worried by anything he says.  He's not really
your father."


Date: Fri, 9 May 1997 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Myers-Briggs Prayers
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Christopher Alexander North-Keys <erlkonig@talisman.org>

Myers-Briggs Type Prayers

    Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow
    at 11:41.23 am e.s.t.

    God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE

    God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though
    they're usually NOT my fault.

    God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help,
    just ask.

    Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

    Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

    God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

    God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

    Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that correctly?)

    God, help me to finish everything I sta

    God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a time.

    God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest.
    Do you mind putting that in writing?

    Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

    Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

    Lord help me follow established procedures today.
    On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

    Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwatIdo.



Date: Fri, 16 May 97 00:04:28 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: One Day at the MatheMexican Drive-In...
To: Fun_People@langston.com

From: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
From: hbaker@netcom.com (Henry G. Baker)

Customer: "How much is a large order of Fibonaccos?"
Cashier:  "It's the price of a small order plus the price of a medium order."

[Extra credit question: Which Fibonaccos size is the worst rip-off?
 Extra credit answer: The smallest; it costs as much as the next larger
 size...  -psl]


Date: Thu, 15 May 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Picking up Women of the Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: tale@dd.org (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: "Catherine E. Stanton" <cat@UU.NET>
From: hamid@netcom.com (Hamid Wasti)

... Let me give you some unsolicited advice.  There is only one right
way to pick up a lady.  Kneel in front of her.  Bow your head.  Wrap
your arms against her thighs and lift from your legs -- not your back.


Date: Tue, 13 May 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Pierre, Pierre, wherefore art thou, Pierre?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: Jane Paulkovich

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air.  Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
    "What are doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have red meat, I like to have
red wine!"
    She smiles and they start kissing.  When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
    Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts
pouring it all over her chest.
    "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have white meat, I like to
have white wine!"
    They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
    Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap.  He strikes a match and lights it on fire.  Marie shrieks
and dives into the river.  Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms
upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK
    Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot!  And when I go down, I go down in flames!"


Date: Mon, 12 May 97 12:39:52 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Post-Cold War Pentagon Ad
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Rscholtz@aol.com
Forwarded-by: astewart@antioch-college.edu (Albert B. Stewart)
Forwarded-by: John Isaacs <jdi@clw.org>


     ENEMY WANTED -- Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks
     hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund
     nation for international competitive bluster, mutual threat
     inflation, political-military gymnastics, and general bellicose
     finger pointing. Looking to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost
     missile envy. Scare-mongers who relish dogmatic confrontation,
     able to appear 10-ft. tall, and willing to build real and
     imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear
     sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War
     era weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only
     opponent's marginal interests, and must not present any real
     intellectual challenge. Accompaniment by fierce, Third World
     allies who know how to fight is also not desirable. Oafish, senile
     leaders definitely a plus.  Possession of large, phallic ballistic
     missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio also a plus --
     willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will earn
     continuing thanks.  Location: preferably near enough to threaten
     petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual.
      Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade optimized tank
     battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and
     haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon,
     Washington, DC. Please no publicity shy competents or third world
     nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser.


Date: Fri, 9 May 1997 16:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: Gareth Evans <gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com>
Forwarded-by: Rebecca.A.Lee@Dartmouth.EDU

If a man talks in the forest,
  and no woman hears him....
     is he still wrong?
		-- Scott DeLucia, WTAW


Date: Mon, 5 May 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Mark Hahn <mhahn@fir.fbc.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)

Every time you turn on your new car, you're turning on 20 microprocessors.
Every time you use an ATM, you're using a computer.  Every time I use a
settop box or game machine, I'm using a computer.  The only computer you
don't know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?

	-- Scott McNealy, CEO of Sun Microsystems, Inc., from an April
	   1997 interview in Upside Magazine


Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)

I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my hard drive.
	-- Alice to Wally in the comic strip "Dilbert", 11/20/96


Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 03:50:03 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
 I hate plants."

 - A. Whitney Brown


Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: James Taylor u <tayl5980@mach1.wlu.ca>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)

Many of the requirements of graduate education ... are "dragons." Dragons
have no purpose except to be slain; that is, they are tests of motivation
to prove how difficult it is to get knighthood (or the valuable doctorate)
and, therefore, how valuable those people must be who already have it (the
	-- Mills (1953) cited by Karon, 1995 in "Becoming a first-rate
	   professional psychologist despite graduate education."


Date: Thu,  8 May 97 12:12:03 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Reading and Knitting?
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Sarah Gowan Sapsis (Ladysmyth@aol.com)
Forwarded-by: Neal Rodar

    A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on.  There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a
computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.  He stopped
to investigate.
    He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.  The young man looked up,
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
    "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
    "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
    Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
    The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look
like?  She's knitting."
    "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
    "I'm nineteen," he replied.
    "And how old is she?" asked the officer.
    The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."


Date: Mon, 05 May 1997 16:15:55 GMT
From: bertha@mhn.org (That Funky Chick)
Subject: Submission for Yucks
To: spaf

On Mon, 14 Apr 1997 00:30:55 -0400, "Graham Mainwaring" <graham@mhn.org>

>Instructions for repairing a SHO which has suffered catalytic converter
>breakdown and blowback into the cylinders:
>1. Loosen radiator cap.
>2. Drive new car under cap.
>3. Replace cap.


Date: Tue, 13 May 1997 18:48:17 -0700
From: Dan Garcia <ddgarcia@cs.berkeley.edu>
Subject: Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory
To: net.cool@ginsberg.CS.Berkeley.EDU

Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory

10. Nailed R2D2
 9. Just for the heck of it, told the I.R.S. computers to audit Bill Gates
 8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite: Had cybersex with Eddie Murphy
 7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend, Jenny McCarthy
 6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo
 5. Called up moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty tickets for everything
 4. Doing a guest spot on "friends" as Monica's "brainy" new boyfriend
 3. Enjoying a refreshing game of ping-pong
    (suddenly - a video shot of an OLD pc with a ping-pong paddle taped to
    side of the monitor comes up... you guessed it, a ball bounces off it...)
 2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the ol' mouse a workout
 1. He's going to www.disneyworld.com!


Date: Wed, 7 May 1997 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: True, lamentably true.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>

It's easy to find someone who wants to go to bed.  But it's real
hard to find somebody who'll let you say, "Look, I got a
cardboard box and a carpeted floor.  Here's my plan.  You get
in the box and hold this flashlight and I'll push you around
like you're in a car."
	-- Chris Isaak in Mademoiselle magazine


Date: Wed, 14 May 97 18:50:28 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Waiter, there's a fly . . . [mumble] . . . all want one, too!
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: Josh <josh@Happy-Man.com>

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal has an article about the Dutch takeover of
JFK airport's International Arrivals building.  The Dutch have some
interesting ideas on how to clean it up:

In Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an
operating room.  But nobody notices.  What everybody does notice is that
each urinal has a fly in it.  Look harder, and the fly turns into the black
outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.

"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom.  "If a man sees a fly, he aims at
it."  Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion.
His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce
spillage by 80%.

"We will put flies in the urinals -- yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office
at the Arrivals Building.  He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as
of noon today.  "It gives a guy something to think about.  That's the
perfect example of process control."

His New York public relations attendant titters.  "Fine, laugh at me," Mr.
Jansen says.  "It works."


Date: Mon,  5 May 97 14:02:13 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Why we love Macintosh; unless...
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: squeeze@voicenet.com (Bob Stein)
Forwarded-by: sljohnst@sas.upenn.edu (Susan L. Johnston)

Forwarded by a friend.

    Why we love Macintosh; unless you don't own one.

Last Friday I had to stay home to take care of the kids. No problem, I keep
all my email and other critical work on a Jaz drive. But Thursday night I
realized that I had left my Jaz cartridge at work and worse, had ejected it
from the machine.

Just to confirm, I connected to my work machine using Timbuktu (bought on
the Evangelist discount, based on Guy's  recommendation). Indeed I had
ejected the drive.

So I brought up SimpleText, figuring I'd leave a large message on the screen
in case someone saw my monitor in the morning - I work in a large open space
and someone might walk by. It was then I remembered that SimpleText can do
text to speech. So on th e off chance that someone was still hanging around
the office at 11PM, I typed in a message asking anyone in earshot to insert
my Jaz cartridge and selected "Speak All".

A few minutes later my Jaz icon showed up on the screen, and half an hour
later I had transfered all my files to my home machine, along with an email
message from a very startled co-worker who had not expected one of the
machines in the room to suddenly start talking to him!

[Almost as good as a one-way telephone with an accent, eh?  -psl]


Date: Tue, 6 May 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Lee P. W. Burgess" <lpburgess@lucent.com>

Subject: Woman Eats Contraceptive Jelly
Date: Tuesday, April 29, 1997 2:10PM

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular
contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant

And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent
chance of collecting!

"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not
use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel
will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false
advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise
and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time
and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public
relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and
angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do
is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing
you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things
together with their toothpaste.

"I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't
I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?' "

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by
implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the
hardship the woman will have to endure.

"It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was
once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team.

"And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I
know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a

"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially
when you're sexually aroused?

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell
it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it
won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit.
"It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another

"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the
temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action
against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this."


Date: Thu, 15 May 97 19:50:27 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Year 292271023 bug in Java
To: Fun_People@langston.com

Forwarded-by: Neil Groundwater <neil.groundwater@Central.Sun.COM>



Sun Microsystems Inc. today acknowledged the Year 292 Million Bug in the
Java computer language, which could cause problems for Social Security
recipients and millions of other computer-dependent users in 292271023

Dr. James Gosling, the inventor of Java, divulged the problem and
hastened to add that a team of specialists is now at work attempting to
solve the problem sometime within the next 292,271 millennia.

"We can't be certain Java will be around that long," said Gosling,
inventor of Java. "But then again, we can't take any chances. Two
hundred and ninety two million-plus years may seem like a long time for
a species. But relatively speaking, in astronomical terms, it's
nothing." Added Gosling, "I don't mean to brag, but Java is taking on a
life of its own. We do see it as the computing platform of the 21st
century and well beyond."

For more information contact Lisa Poulson at lisa.poulson@eng.sun.com
or 408-343-1630.



End of Yucks Digest