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Yucks Digest V7 #4
Yucks Digest Mon, 3 Mar 97 Volume 7 : Issue 4
Today's Topics:
cutie
Another blonde (fwd)
Another Fractured Fairy Tale
but as space becomes available offsite ...
Customer Support - Powerbooks & Porn
ersatz Deep Thoughts
FW: (R) Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
Help Feed AA Pilots
Hey, Git Yer Red Hots Right Here...
It's a reason.
Light_Bulb (fwd)
MOTHERSHIP ACCIDENTLY DESCENDS ON HOOTIE CONCERT.
Multiple Births
Perl5 is JTA Certified
QOTY (Quote of the Year, natch!)
Quote of the day (3 msgs)
Sex Change at the Registry of Motor Vehicles
Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up rear were you.
The Ballad of Bill Clinton
The condom with the grown up taste.
The Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: dscatl!lindsay
To: spaf
Date: 14 Feb 97 04:31:53 EST (Fri)
Subject: cutie
The jetliner had just taken off and all the passengers had
settled down. In the first-class section, a man sat next to a
well-dressed matronly woman who was wearing a stunning diamond
pendant.
"Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that beautiful necklace,"
he said. "It's the most exquisite stone I've ever seen."
"Why, thank you," she said. "It's the Klopman diamond, you
know."
He looked puzzled. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I have ever
heard of it."
"Well, it's a lot like the Hope diamond. It's not as large, of
course, but the clarity and beauty of the Klopman are the absolute
equal. And, just like the Hope diamond, it comes with a curse for
the person wearing it."
"That's positively amazing! What kind of curse?"
"*Mr* Klopman."
-- Taylor Benson
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 07:21:55 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Another blonde (fwd)
To: spaf
Just when you thought you've heard all of the blonde jokes!!!!!
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first-class section.
The flight attendant tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't
have
a first-class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and
I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendant gets the Head Stewardess who asks the woman to leave
and she again responds "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm
staying in first-class until we reach Jamaica."
The flight attendants don't know what to do because they have to get the
rest of the passengers seated for take-off, so they get the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She
immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The Head Stewardess, baffled, asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to
move.
The co-pilot simply replied, "I told her the front half of the airplane
wasn't going to Jamaica."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Another Fractured Fairy Tale
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
So it seems that a young frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was
told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to
know everything about you!"
The frog said, "That's great! When will I meet her? How will I meet
her, at a party, or what!?!?"
"No," replied the psychic, "Next semester -- in her biology class."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: but as space becomes available offsite ...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Ginger Ogle <ginger@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
From: Claire_Levay-young@cargill.com
Cupertino, CA - Joe Hacker, Software Engineering Manager and father of
two girls, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private
enterprise specializing in child rearing as part of his family's cost
savings effort. Hacker said that his request for proposals will go out
later this spring, and that he hopes that a contractor will be in place
by summer 1997.
Hacker says that he anticipates savings of 25% of his child rearing
expenses by hiring a company which specializes in the field. He believes
that between the things that his kids destroy, the wear and tear the kids
put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as
sports, scouts, and lessons, he should be able to pay a private firm about
75% of what he currently spends on his children.
Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by
non-parents would be impersonal and would deprive them of some of their
current privileges, Hacker has worked to alleviate their fears. He has
held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids
that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are
grown. This is obvious because every grandparent on the street has advice
to give to any parent they meet. A professional child rearing service
would already know how to raise children and not make the mistakes of a
rookie parent.
The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with
benefits at at least the same overall level as they receive at home, with
some benefits (TV hours for example) expanding, while others (parental
attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain "core" benefits, such
as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sports,
television) at the discretion of the contractor.
The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children
initially spending daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at
their parent's home; but as space becomes available offsite, the children
will begin spending all their time away from home except when they are
desperately needed at home (for example, when the car needs to be washed
or the yard needs "patrolling"). The children originally expressed dismay
at residing off-site, but Hacker told them that they would have weekly
visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belongings, get new
books, 'perform' their musical instruments for, or talk to their parents.
This would also allow the kids to visit their pets (two dogs, three cats),
at least until phase 2 of Hacker's cost cutting plan, which includes
outsourcing the family pets.
Hacker would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing the
children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a
discussion about family finances which illustrated the need to raise the
family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 97 10:05:53 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Customer Support - Powerbooks & Porn
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: David@LiveWorld.com (David Fox, Fox Home Office)
From: the Talk of the Town, the Talk City newsletter:
The following are two calls recently taken by the AskApple assitance
hotline:
** PowerBooks Don't Make Good Pedestrians
The following Call-of-the-Day was submitted by AppleAssist agent
William Jempty.
* Caller: You're not going to believe this and I'm ashamed to say
it, but I just ran over my PowerBook with my 4X4. It starts up,
but my display has orange ooze coming out of it.
------------------------------------------------
*** Porno files ?
The following Call-of-the-Day was submitted by UK MacHelpline agent
Gabriel Conway.
* A customer contacted me because he was concerned that his son had
downloaded pornographic files from the Internet. He was afraid
to open the files himself in case he saw something disgusting, and
wondered If I would know what was in them from the titles.
The files were:
Stuffit Expander
QuickTime
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ersatz Deep Thoughts
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Lee Campbell <elwin@media.mit.edu>
>From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower. Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it
odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age
13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
you could come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age
15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have
found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.
I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. Age 15
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 16:50:57 GMT
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: FW: (R) Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers
To: yucks
[multiple levels of forwarding removed, author unknown]
---------------------------- ---------------------------
Drug dealers Software developers
---------------------------- ---------------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
market. market.
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem.
unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 97 13:49:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Help Feed AA Pilots
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@peak.org>
Forwarded-by: Gregorb@chesco.com (Greg Balch)
From: alt.disasters.aviation:
Please pass this form to as many people as you know!! The strike date is
Feb 15th.
We need to show the world just how they can help.
Help Feed AA Pilots
---- ---- -- ------
It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own country are living
at or just below the six figure salary line. And if that wasn't bad enough,
many of them may go several weeks or months without a paycheck if they are
forced by American Airlines management to strike.
But now you can help. For about three hundred dollars a day ~ that's less
than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot
economically viable during their time of need.
Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but
to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing in
Florida or a Mediteranean cruise.
For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent or
mortgage payment. But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will almost
replace his or her salary.
Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her home
computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month old Lexus
for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the crew member
you sponsor. Detailed information about his or her stocks,bonds,401K, and
real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home. You will be able to watch
your pilot's net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they chose
to invest their 1.2 million dollar lump sum they get upon their retirement.
"HOW WIILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Your pilot will be told that her or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just wants
to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or she will be able
to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case they need
more funds.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to help!! In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to
sponsor the crew member listed below. I would like to sponsor (circle your
selection/s):
___CAPTAIN ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW ___A300 CREW MEMBER
___FIRST OFFICER ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
___NAVIGATOR ___727 CREW MEMBER
___767 CREW MEMBER ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER
___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.
Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or $350.29 for
MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike. Please send me a
picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings"
and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)
<> Mastercard <> Visa <> American Express <> Diner's Club <>
AAsset Card <> Discover Card
Account Number:________________________________ Expiration
Date:_________________________
Signature:______________________________________
Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
(97X)-988-3188
Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their
families in person or by other means including, but not limited to, phone
calls, letters, email, or third parties. Contributions made are not tax
deductible. In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a
one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs of
this program.
[Note - written by nowaboard@aol.com, originally appeared in a.d.a on
2/10/97, and reposted here with the author's permission - ed.]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 97 22:01:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Hey, Git Yer Red Hots Right Here...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Brian Smith <bdws@eskimo.com>
<further forwards deleted>
Two immigrants, on their first day in America, are wandering around seeing
the sights of New York City. One spots a street vendor selling "Hot Dogs"
and says in a shocked tone, "My God, do they eat dogs in America?" "I
don't know" says the other, equally appalled. "Well," says the first,
"we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the
vendor bravely. "Two, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair
of paper sacks. The immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch.
One looks inside his sack and turns to the other, "Uh, which part of the
dog did you get?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 11:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: It's a reason.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Eric Johnson <eric@qnx.com>
From: acorvino@sd.inri.com (Alex Corvino)
I was working in the lab a few days ago, looking at some C code
that I had written that was not working. At one point I asked myself:
"Now, why am I doing this?"
My friend Jack, working on a machine behind me replied:
"I would think because beer isn't free."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 19:01:11 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Light_Bulb (fwd)
To: spaf
Q: How many MicroSoft TECH SUPPORT PEOPLE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark
is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things wrong . . . have you tried the light
switch?
--------------
Q: How many MicroSoft TESTERS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb.
Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured
that Development is working on a bug fix.
--------------
Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
--------------
Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2
for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
--------------
Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and
pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put
your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.
--------------
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be
for a Mac user.
--------------
Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out,
and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work
smarter, not harder.
-------------
Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry
standard.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 11:05:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: MOTHERSHIP ACCIDENTLY DESCENDS ON HOOTIE CONCERT.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
From: David Richoux <tubaman@hooked.net>
MOTHERSHIP ACCIDENTLY DESCENDS ON HOOTIE CONCERT.
ROSEMONT, IL--Confusion and awkwardness resulted Monday when the P-Funk
Mothership, outer-space chariot of Dr. Funkenstein and the Star Child,
accidentally descended upon a sold-out Hootie and the Blowfish concert at
the Rosemont Horizon arena in suburban Chicago.
"Thumpasaurus Peoples! You have summoned us through the Groove, and we
have returned to refunkatize the planet!" said Dr. Funkenstein, the
fur-bedecked, disco-booted Mothership Supreme Commander, moments before
the popular South Carolina-based band was about to launch into the song
"I Only Wanna Be With You."
Members of Hootie and the Blowfish, whose 1995 release Cracked Rear View
sold over 14 million copies, were caught off guard by the arrival of the
Mothership.
"The man who came out of the spaceship attempted to shoot me with
something he called a 'Bop Gun,'" lead singer Darius Rucker told
reporters. "Somehow I sensed it would be detrimental to my career as a
singer."
Added a visibly distressed Rucker: "He also seemed to imply that if I
let my mind go free, something would happen to my bottom."
Bandmate Dean Felber was equally disturbed by the appearance of the
cosmic visitors. "Their mode of dress was, frankly, garish," Felber told
reporters, "not at all like the muted, earth-tone flannels and oversized
cable-knit sweaters appropriate for concert wear."
Sources speculate that an inadvertent hip shake by Rucker, who briefly
lost his balance stumbling over a stray mandolin, may have accidentally
summoned the Mothership.
It is also speculated that Rucker's powerful baritone voice may have
exceeded Hootie and the Blowfish's normal safety standards for "bass,"
inadvertently summoning the intergalactic funk saucer.
Said band member Mark Bryan,"We had just finished a really super
rendition of 'Let Her Cry' that sounded exactly like on the CD, when out
of nowhere these strange men came down shouting about getting up and doing
the backstroke, or something."
According to police, no serious damage was caused by the incident, but
it did result in a 45-minute concert delay, causing many in attendance to
go to bed later than they had wanted to.
"I had a 9 a.m. meeting the next day with a very important client," said
concertgoer/stockbroker James Norridge, 42, who did not go to sleep until
well after midnight. "I really needed to be at the top of my game."
Norridge's disappointment was typical of the 17,456 whites in attendance.
"I did not wish to get 'funked up,'" said Roger Kleist, 33. "If I did,
I would have attended a Dave Matthews Band concert.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Mar 97 19:00:30 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Multiple Births
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "R. Dunbar Poor" <r@pia.media.mit.edu>
Forwarded-by: Paul & Joan Blumstein <pbjb@cinenet.net>
[independently]
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone
into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there,
"Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied,
"How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced
that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well,
how do ya like that, I work for the 3COM Company!"
When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given
birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled
gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he
was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man
continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmations."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 10:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Perl5 is JTA Certified
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@isc.org (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: "Josh M. Osborne" <stripes@va.pubnix.com>
From: larry@wall.org (Larry Wall)
[Some goverment contractor (or goverment agency) found Perl5 (of some
subversion) useful enough to have it JTA certified so it can be used in
"safty critical goverment applications" (i.e. the battlefield). -- Josh]
Er, does this have anything to do with the fact that our nuclear missiles
are retargetable in "mere moments"?
Nevermind, I don't want to know. I really, really don't want to know.
I don't want to know *real* *hard*.
There's never any sand around when your head needs it...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 97 18:14:50 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTY (Quote of the Year, natch!)
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
"He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh."
-The Koran
[We're trying.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 1997 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"We cannot tolerate the proliferation of this paperwork any longer. It
is useless to fight the forms. We must kill the people producing
them."
- Attributed to Vladimir Kabaidze, Director of the Ivanovo Machine
Works near Moscow, in a speech before the annual Communist Party
Congress, 1936. [And a fine idea, too. - ed.]
[Reminds me of some of my funding agencies... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Duncan Thornton <thornton@netcom.ca>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
An army with no war to fight is a constant source of headaches. That is
why the founders of the United States originally intended that their
country should have no standing army but rely on popular militias. The
United States wound up with the worst of both worlds -- an expensive
standing army and an armed populace who, for want of invaders, shoot each
other.
-- Terence Moore, writing in the _Winnipeg Free Press_
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 15:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Duncan Thornton <thornton@netcom.ca>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
For every romance that begins with a Mickey Rourke type slamming a Kim
Basinger type up against an alley wall in the rain, there are a thousand,
I suppose, that begin when your cat throws up a fur ball in the lap of
the woman you're trying to impress.
-- film critic Roger Ebert
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 97 14:36:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Sex Change at the Registry of Motor Vehicles
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[The text of a letter published in the Boston Globe for 2/26/97... -psl]
Sex Change at the Registry of Motor Vehicles
Your February 20 article about the Registry of Motor Vehicles says that some
people were sent multiple copies of their new licenses. Please let me
correct your statement that "The glitch is the first defect with the state's
2-year-old, stat-of-the-art.. system." Last month I got my license renewed.
The new license informed me that my sex is "F." In previous years, on the
license and elsewhere, my sex had always been "M." I am certain of it. My
mother backs me up on this, and my beard lends further, if not conclusive,
weight to my contention. I took the new license to the clerk who had
processed it, but she (he?) refused to talk to me. I then xeroxed the
license and mailed the copy to Governor Weld, asking him to use his powers
as Governor to change me back. The Governor did so without hesitation. (I
am glad that John Silber did not become Governor -- I suspect that he would
have told me, concisely and precisely, that one must learn to take the cards
that life deals one, and do so without whining.) A sex change in the
commonwealth of Massachusetts costs $33.75, which these days is a bargain.
But while it was interesting to see how the other half lives, I enjoy being
a guy. So thank you, Governor Weld. You have made a man of me.
Marc Abrahams
Editor, Annals of Improbable Research
Cambridge MA
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1997 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up rear were you.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
Empire
-- by James Lileks
I think "The Empire Strikes Back" would have been more interesting if
Darth Vader had turned out to be Luke's mother. Someone brash and
commanding, such as Madge the Manicurist from the old Palmolive ads. The
Dark side of the Force? Why, you're soaking in it.
Unless I missed something in the course of watching these movies 60 times,
we never heard much about Mrs. Skywalker. Luke never asks Obi-Wan about
Mom.
Maybe she left Luke's dad because he spent every night down at the Jedi
Legion hall and left her with two telekinetic brats. Perhaps she left
Luke's dad for Obi-Wan, and that's why Vader turned to the Dark Side. (If
so, it makes the scene where the two men fight each other with glowing
wands a little too Freudian for my taste.) Given Princess Leia's
hairstyle, it is possible Mrs. Skywalker died giving birth.
"The Empire Strikes Back" is my favorite of the Star Wars movies, simply
because it contains absolutely no Ewoks. Those nattering teddy bears
ruined "Return of the Jedi," turning the grand epic scale of the saga into
the Muppet Babies vs. the Red Army.
"Empire" is solid. Ewok-free. Darth Vader is evil throughout, unlike the
third movie, where he takes off his helmet and smiles. I can't quite see
Darth as evil anymore, because I know his head looks like your big toe
after you've been in the bathtub for an hour. "Empire" has the defining
plot twist of my generation, the no-Luke-I'm-yer-pappy line that
absolutely stunned me. (I'd kept my fingers in my ears for a week before
I saw the movie, just so no one could spoil it.)
Compared to this, the revelation in "Return" that Luke and Leia are
brother and sister seemed contrived, and made all the PG-sexual tension
between them downright creepy. What was next? Boba Fett is your
second-cousin, Luke. Jabba is your uncle, the one who always smelled of
beer and cigars. He developed a skin condition. Don't mention it, he's
sensitive. Oh, and the Wookie is your mother; after your father left, she
stopped shaving.
Not everything in "Empire" is perfect. Consider the battle on the Ice
Planet Hoth. The Empire sends down a squadron of Imperial Walkers --
incredibly cool machines, but probably the worst piece of military
hardware ever designed. Top-heavy, slow, prone to crashing: the Windows
3.0 of tanks. Dropping the Walkers on an Ice Planet is like sending in a
dozen Statues of Liberty to fight on a skating rink. They probably sent
fifteen Walkers to do the job, but ten slipped and busted a tailbone.
And how did the Walkers get to the planet's surface? Parachutes? Unlikely.
There's nothing more ugly than two Imperial Walkers with tangled chutes,
kicking at each other. No, a ship delivered them to the surface. If that's
the case, the ship had to be very large. Huge. Instead of depositing the
Walkers, the ship could have sat on the rebel base like a sumo wrestler
squatting on an anthill. The Rebellion is crushed, Lord Vader. Really,
really crushed.
More faults: Billy Dee Williams confuses grinning with acting. The Yoda
scenes tend to drag the tenth time you've seen them. ("Stall we must.
Second act this is. Talk odd would you if puppet with hand up rear were
you.")
For all its charms and foibles, though, "Empire" and the whole Star Wars
universe is sadly out of date with modern society. When Han Solo slices
open the belly of his Hoth-horse to provide warmth, he is not immediately
picketed by Animal-rights activists, with signs saying "I'd rather go
naked than wear guts." Was there a seven-day waiting period before Luke
got his light saber? When the Death Star destroyed that planet, didn't
they have to file an environmental impact statement? Most telling moment:
when Luke slams his X-wing into Yoda's backyard, I realized something very
odd about the Star Wars civilization.
All that high technology, and they never managed to invent the air bag.
----
James Lileks is a nationally syndicated columnist for Newhouse
News Service. He's in the Washington Post now and then. His
latest collection is "Fresh Lies," published by Pocket Books.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 97 18:44:34 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Ballad of Bill Clinton
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Joyce Marie McCosco <MCCO2533@mlb.com>
To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song.
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill
A slick Southern Gov with his eye upon the Hill
Then one day, no mistakin' what he meant,
He said for all to hear: "Think I'll run for president!"
Well the next thing you know young Bill's a candidate
The kinfolk said: "Bill, prepare for your debate!"
Then he was elected, he outpointed everyone,
So he hopped on a bus and he moved to Washington.
DC that is. Press pools, Senate stars.
The prez announced he'd seek a second term,
and hoped that voters would forget about the Rose law firm.
He told us that his first four years were absolutely great,
Despite the travel mess, Vince Foster and Whitewatergate.
The GOP's top candidate was grumpy old Bob Dole
Who frowned a lot and took a fall and trailed in every poll
He criticized the president for sleaze and sacrilege,
but Clinton campaigned brilliantly and sold us all a bridge.
To the 21st century, that is. Bumpy ride, heavy tolls.
The democrats did all they could to ensure re-election
they even took big money from Bill's fareast connection
Campaign reform failed in the House politically
Republicans were jus as guilty as the DNC
The scandals broke around the clock as pundits sang in chorus:
A call girl gets hot inside stuff from Bill's old pal Dick Morris.
Whenever issues were discussed, like saving Medicare
the newshounds were more interested in who'd had an affair.
Foreign that is. Christopher muddles. Albright befuddles.
There's Africa and Bosnia, and trouble with the Serbs
At home there's crime and rampart drugs, and all those welfare curbs
Opponents keep on hitting Clinton with their mean attacks
But Bill just waffles, which he likes as much as his Big Macs.
The critics charge that bad boy Bill ain't very ethical
He feels our pain but his concern is antithetical
Supporters say that Clinton surely must be resolute
or risk the wrath of hypocrites just like that guy named Newt.
Gingrich that is. House speaker, scandal seeker.
One person we've not heard much from is Bill's wife Hillary
she messed up health care and became a liability
Then David Brinkley called slick Willie a collosol bore
but he's not half as dull and stiff as VP Albert Gore.
Wood man, that is. Snoozing proficiency, charisma deficiency
With all the fuss you have to ask if Clinton is a-fixin'
to quit before his term is up like Richard Millhouse Nixon.
And if the scandals don't subside a point just might be reached
when our beloved president is vetoed and impeached.
But till it happens Clinton knows that he's got four more years
to find his lovely wife a job and further their careers
You haven't seen the last of Dole, so please don't hold your breath
Next time around the president might be Elizabeth.
Now it's time to say goodbye to bill and all his kin
They'd really like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in
You're all invited back next year to this locality
to have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Hillary Billy that is. Sta a spell. Take your shoes off.
Y'll come back now, heah?
By Jerry Zezima, columnist for the Stamford Advocate
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: The condom with the grown up taste.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kevin Dunlap <KevinD@MetaInfo.com>
Forwarded-by: Loc Pham[SMTP:LOCPH@Attachmate.com]
Forwarded-by: Hoa Vu
What if condoms had corporate sponsors?
Absolut Condoms: ABSOLUT BONER.
Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
BASF: We don't make the condom, we make the condom moister.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
GE Condoms: We bring good things to life.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Lays Condoms: 'Betcha can't have just one.
M&M's Condoms: Melts in your mouth not in your hands.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Mentos Condoms: The Freshmaker.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Nature Valley Condoms: The Candy Bar Nature Intended.
New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a woman.
Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling!
VW Condoms: Drivers wanted.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 97 17:44:41 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[Well, I have a problem. The Top Five people have several different
copyright notices attached to their lists. The one in the Top5 archives is
very restrictive; it says something like: "Property of Ziff-Davis
Publications, use of any sort by anybody in any form without explicit written
permission is punishable by death or worse" - I'm not sure I got the wording
just right, but you get the idea.
So I figured, okay, I'll ignore Top5 since most of them didn't strike me
as funny anyway. But people kept sending me lists that might have come from
Top5 and that were occasionally very funny. But I had no way to know what
their origin was (thanks to those dim bulbs who strip off attributions).
So I figured, okay, I'll subscribe and try to remember what the topics
were so I can avoid reposts of old Top5 lists. That worked fine; they came,
sporting a very permissive copyright notice, but I didn't care because they
were lame anyway. But then a really funny and even controversial one came
along with a great disclaimer attached...
So I figured, okay, I'll write a long and boring introduction that will
convince everybody that I'm really trying to do the right thing even if I
slipped up this one time. And then I'll point out that I'm complying with
the copyright notice on the e-mailed version. And then I'll excerpt it, just
keeping the more interesting parts. And finally I'll remind the Fun_People
that I do see all the Top5 lists and don't need any more copies (although I
appreciate the thought).
Shhh... With any luck, the Ziff-David lawyers have dozed off by now...
-psl]
From: top5@lists.zdnet.com
Excerpted-from: Top5 - 2/28/97 - Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"
_____________________________________
_________| |________
\ | The Top Five List | /
\ | www.topfive.com | /
\ | | /
\ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | /
> | www.winsources.com | <
/ | | \
/ | February 28, 1997 | \
/ |_____________________________________| \
/___________) (__________\
IMPORTANT LAWSUIT-AVOIDING DISCLAIMER-TYPE NOTICE:
The following list is a comedic look at the book, "Dianetics", and its
author, the world-renowned, highly-esteemed, late science fiction
writer/adventurer/yachtsman/horticulturist L. Ron Hubbard. In it we stretch
the truth, bend the facts, and probably even make up some stuff. Nothing
you read here should be taken seriously. I'm sure the Scientologists are
fine people. Okay, I'm not *really* sure, but there's always the remote
chance that they're fine people, isn't there? Regardless, we don't want them
suing us (not that they're famous for doing that or anything), so don't
believe anything you read here. Just laugh at it, then go back to your jobs.
The Top 15 Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"
15> "Getting Chicks To Say Yes: L. Ron Answers the Booty Call"
14> "Hey, If It's In a Bestseller, It MUST Be True!"
13> "Travolta 3:16"
12> "Making Your Own E-meter With Dixie Cups And Duct Tape"
11> "Chapter 26: In Which Luke Discovers that L. Ron Vader is His
Real Father"
10> "Chapter 5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot"
9> "'Old Mother' Hubbard -- L. Ron, the Transvestite Years"
8> "Chapter 12: Geez, You're Still Buying This, Aren't You?"
7> "The Human Mind: That Vast Realm Half an Inch Behind the
Forehead (Two Inches Back for Scott Hamilton)"
6> "When a Lawsuit Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie,
That's Scientology"
5> "He's NOT the Telescope Guy!"
4> "Chapter 11: How To File For It"
3> "Movie Stars -- Are They Gullible, or What?"
2> "Chapter 3: Post This on the Internet and We'll Sue Your Ass!"
and the Number 1 Least Known Chapter in "Dianetics"...
1> "Commandment Number One: 'Show Me the Money!'"
[ This list copyright 1997 by John Smith and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 14:05:54 -0700
From: Tom Christiansen <tchrist@jhereg.perl.com>
Subject: UNSUBSCRIBE
To: Scott Holben <sholben@ftsbn.com>
><sholben@ftsbn.com>
>Scott Holben
>Tarkenton Net Ventures
>2221 Newmarket Parkway
>Suite 108
>Marietta, GA 30067
>TEL: (770)-303-0800-x108
>FAX: (770)-303-0900
Heres how to unsubscribe:
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit.
Then follow these directions.
The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on
requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating
System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be
dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have
fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X"
outlet hose. Twist the silver- coloured ring one inch below the
connection point until you feel it lock.
The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the
small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its
initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect.
Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear.
Activate by pressing the blue button.
The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red
release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be
adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release
button. The opening is self- adjusting. To secure after use, press
the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and
returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.
You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator .
If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator
requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy"
call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all
facilities from his control panel.
To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in
the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet
immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you.
On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a
"Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be
illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the
desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe
normally.
The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless
you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When
you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button.
The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro
slippers and place them in their container.
If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue
button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The
knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low,
medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested.
After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by
switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If
during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings,
place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may
now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light
goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind
you.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------