[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V7 #5 (mixed nuts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 9 Mar 97 Volume 7 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
"Interesting" "Facts"
... and everybody knows your name.
Are you from Seattle?
AVflash 2.52 (fwd) I don' wanna guess!
Bill Gates on Movies
Doggerel O' The Day
Heroic Fan (fwd)
HP BUS CONSULTANT FOUND
IRS Humor
Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
Joke
Learning Latin
Maybe we're the church for you.
Quote of the day
Signature of the day
Sign of a good consulting candidate
Tech support heaven
The PneUmatic side of the Force
The War of the Sexes
Tip of the Day
Today's fantasy.
Tools of the trade.
Two atoms in a bar
Yucks: "What are you in for?" (original)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Feb 97 03:06:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: "Interesting" "Facts"
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
Forwarded-by: Cynthia Cameli
Forwarded-by: Grace Landel <glandel@u.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: 40hstraker@SOPHIA.SPH.UNC.EDU
Forwarded-by: 35MMENDEZ@SOPHIA.SPH.UNC.EDU
The following is a list of some useless, yet surprisingly interesting
facts that someone spent waaayyy too much time researching... enjoy!
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
* Coca-cola was originally green.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas.
* Smartest dogs: 1)border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever
* Dumbest: afghan
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
* First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer".
* There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
* Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
* Men get hiccups more often than woman.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 mi of where he/she grew up: 1 in 2
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each
salad served in first class: $440,000
* City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
* Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
* Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
* Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
* Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44
* Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36
* Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43
* City with the highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Wash., DC.
* Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they
had it to do all over again: 80
* Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50
* Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or
separation: 58
* Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
* Number of different familial relationships for which Hallmark makes
cards:105
* Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
* Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World:70
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
* Portion of potatoes sold that are French-fried: 1/3
* Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
* Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
* Percentage of mammal species that are: 3
* Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are
above national average: 50
* Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
* Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7
* Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
* Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanan
* Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
* Only president to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy, for "Profiles in
Courage"
* Only president awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying
vessels over shoals
* Only food that does not spoil: honey
* Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
* Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
* Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
* Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
* An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
* In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
* Polar bears are left-handed.
* Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
* Eskimos never gamble.
* The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
* The youngest pope was 11 years old.
* Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
* Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
* Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
* Your nose and ears never stop growing.
* Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
* Hot water is heavier than cold.
* The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
* They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
* Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.
* Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation
* Armadillos can be housebroken.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 1997 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... and everybody knows your name.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
A guy goes into a bar and orders a tall one. As he takes a sip of his
beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but
sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt,
too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing
voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the
peanuts -- they're complimentary."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 97 16:21:57 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Are you from Seattle?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Sheila Brown <n9349504@henson.cc.wwu.edu>
Forwarded-by: Marjorie Richards (Volt Computer) <a-marjr@microsoft.com>
From: Rebecca Downer <a-redown@microsoft.com>
You might be from Seattle if you...
1. Feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.
2. Use the words "sun breaks" and know what it means.
3. Know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
4. Obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right except to pass."
5. Never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos.
6. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. Hear the word "fairy" and think of boats-and long waits.
8. Know more people who own boats than own air conditioners.
9. Stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light
to change.
10. Know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft or Boeing.
11. Are amazed by an accurate weather forecast.
12. Consider if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted,
regardless of altitude, it is a "hill" not a "mountain".
13. Only honk your car horn if a collision is imminent, NEVER for
anything else.
14. Go to a really nice bar and sit at a table.
15. Invite twice as many people as you really want to a party since only
half will actually show up.
16. Consider etiquette a foreign word.
17. Complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice
what you paid for it.
18. Know what Lutefiske is.
19. Personally know someone from Alaska.
20. Resent being called a "wierdo".
21. Consider floating bridges a pain in the butt, not an engineering
marvel.
22. Drool at the world's worst B-B-Q sauce.
23. Find a wallet with $500 in it, and give it all back to the owner.
24. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
25. Know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
26. Used to live somewhere else, but don't admit it in public.
27. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
28. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
29. Have roots in Oregon, Idaho or Montana, but wanted a high paying job.
30. Are currently working as a computer consultant in Portland.
31. Have ever tried to get a job in Alaska, especially a summer job only..
32. Think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, on snow or
water.
33. In winter, go to work in the dark and go home in the dark, but only
have an eight hour day.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 14:05:49 -0600 (CST)
From: mandrews@EC.Ameritech.COM (Mike Andrews)
Subject: AVflash 2.52 (fwd) I don' wanna guess!
To: spaf
AVflash Vol. 2, Issue 52 Monday, December 30, 1996
Welcome to AVflash, a weekly summary of the latest aviation news,
articles, products, features and events featured on AVweb, the magazine
for aviators on the World Wide Web. URL: <http://www.avweb.com/>
...
SHORT FINAL...
The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent
in his phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his
late-night run. Every weekday at 0215 he would stop at a small airport
and check in with: "Good morning Jones field, guess who?" The lone
controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would
lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons
fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "guess who?"
callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled: "Jones Field,
guess who?" The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on
the airport and responded "Jones Field, guess WHERE!" establishing
proper communications from then on.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Bill Gates on Movies
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: John Kochmar <kochmar@psc.edu>
Forwarded-by: Laura Bentrem <lb@SEI.CMU.EDU>
>From Roger Ebert's Answer Man 1/26/97:
Q. I ran across something in a recent Bill Gates column that I thought
you'd enjoy. Gates writes, "It surprises me that movie studios can't
spend, say, 10 percent of budget to create a trailer and then do focus
groups to predict how popular the movie will be and whether production
should continue. That must not work or somebody would have done it by
now -- but it stuns me that it doesn't." Paul Kedrovsky, London,
Ontario
A. Trailers always feature the big stars and the most spectacular special
effects (the White House being blown up, etc.). Think of the cost of
hiring stars and doing special effects only for a trailer! It would be
much more than 10 percent; I think the trailer for "Mission:
Impossible" showed every big scene in the movie. Would a Tom Cruise
sign up to do a trailer on spec? Gates' statement goes a long way,
however, toward explaining the methods of the software industry.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Doggerel O' The Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
As published in the Toronto Sun:
Mary had a little lamb,
then two and three and four.
And each a perfect replica
of all that went before.
The followed her to school one day
which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play
to see her flock at school.
The teacher turned the woolies out
to wait the bell at four.
But when the children tried to leave
more sheep had jammed the door.
"What makes those lambs love Mary so?"
The eager children fish.
Says teacher, dialing 9-1-1:
"She's got the Petri dish."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 15:57:09 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Heroic Fan (fwd)
To: yucks
Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is
attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the
other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the
dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy.
"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts
writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replied.
"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the
reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan."
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,"Redneck
bastard kills family pet."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: HP BUS CONSULTANT FOUND
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: "Bill Melohn" <melohn@engr.sgi.com>
I just hate it when stray HP employees are left alone in one of
our conference rooms. I suppose my idea of a Business Consultant
from HP is someone who says "What If?" a lot, so perhaps a
vacant conference room is the right place for him/her/it...
--- Forwarded mail from "Elise Boyd" <eliseb@recep18.corp.sgi.com>
From: "Elise Boyd" <eliseb@recep18.corp.sgi.com>
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 12:12:15 -0800
Subject: HP BUS CONSULTANT FOUND
AN HP BUSINESS CONSULTANT II WAS FOUND IN THE FARSIDE CONFERENCE ROOM.
PLEASE SEE THE RECEPTIONIST IN BLDG 18 TO CLAIM IT.
THANK YOU
--
Elise Boyd
Lobby 18 Receptionist
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:21:06 -0500 (EST)
From: Marlene Walls <walls>
Subject: IRS Humor
To: spaf
>
> [H&R Block, editor's note: The following is a real letter submitted to
> the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of
> dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for
> itself.]
>
> Dear Sirs:
> I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
> three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
> have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are
> evil and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
> responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
> care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
> the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
> reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
>
> The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
> put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
> about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
> to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should
> be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful
> that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
> that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the
> moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
> Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
> drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she
> posesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
> have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
> abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you
> will be handling this in the future.
>
> Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
> little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
> himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was
> awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
> Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you
> like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14
> will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
> temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
> plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after
> instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
> with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
> hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
> peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
> unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, vehicles, or
> telephones.
>
> Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
> magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
> came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
> sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
> raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
> courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good
> news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that
> you are denying!
>
> It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so
> they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot
> speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois
> she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hod/egge/yuppie/political
> doulespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who
> has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
> voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears
> pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
> worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
> come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
> would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really
> made of.
>
> You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
> pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
> will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
> take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather
> becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
> about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
> decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding
> on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment
> on an airplane.
> Yours Truly,
> Robert W.
>
> Editors note:
> Robert later notified us: "Rats, they allowed the deductions instead of
> taking the kids!"
>
> Sometimes you just can't get a break
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 14:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Is there a way I can get reimbursed?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: "P. Larry Nelson" <lnelson@uinpluxa.npl.uiuc.edu>
Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration
sheets and comment cards.
- Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
- Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs
to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors
to wilderness.
- Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks
are more likely to chase animals.
- All the mile markers are missing this year.
- Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.
- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go
uphill.
- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
- Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them.
- The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake.
Please eradicate these annoying animals.
- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is
there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ ___ ____.
- Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet, so people can
hike at night with flashlights.
- Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
- Need more signs to keep area pristine.
- A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
- The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have
extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.
- Too many rocks in the mountains.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 1997 22:31:23 -0800
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Joke
To: spaf
Na strovya!
From: <bill.tryon@autodesk.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 09:29:33 PST
Subject: Joke
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The
Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant
you one wish, anything you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so
make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and
it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells
like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever
tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She
comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of
the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two
glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the
couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his
wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife
asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the
glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 97 16:30:59 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Learning Latin
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: jeant@olympus.net (Jean Tenenbaum)
Forwarded-by: Zeke Anderson <zama@olympus.net>
From: George Burns' last book, "100 Years, 100 Stories"
Eighty-four
During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy,
yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told
me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the
queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"
"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said.
"And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you
say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went
before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her
Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and
motioned for Hy to speak.
Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from
all other knights?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Maybe we're the church for you.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
[ excerpt from the Church of Euthanasia's newsletter ]
========================= Snuff It #4, part 1 of 4 =========================
SNUFF IT #4
The Journal of the Church of Euthanasia
EDITORIAL
Let me start by asking you a question. If you don't know, just guess, how
long--months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds--how long do you think
it takes for the human population to increase by one million? Net increase.
Okay, I'll give it to you, it's four days. Four days, a quarter million per
day, if you do the math, that comes out to *95 million people per year*,
and just for a reference, 95 million is the population of Mexico, so next
time you look at a map of the world, look at Mexico, and imagine the human
population increasing by Mexico, every year.
What do we do with all those people? They all need to eat, they all need
houses, clothes, TVs, cars, and every other damn thing, who are *we* to say
they shouldn't have them, and what's the result? The global environmental
crisis. Massive species extinction. *Ecocide*. In the United States alone
we lose an acre of trees every eight seconds. Worldwide, we're now losing
an entire *species* every 40 minutes, that's up from every sixty minutes in
the 1970's, and in the tropical rainforest we're losing a species every
*fifteen minutes*. By some estimates we've already wiped out one third of
the species on earth. Those species are *gone*, they're not coming back,
this isn't some cute nature show on television, this is *real*. In terms of
sheer power, this is our great accomplishment: severely damaging the
chemical and organic structure of an entire planet, including the oceans
and the atmosphere.
We've got to do something, very quickly, and the most important thing we
can do is *reduce our numbers*. It's something each one of us can do, it
doesn't require special training, and that's why I, myself, and every one
of the Church of Euthanasia's members have taken a *lifetime vow to not
procreate*.
Now people say to me, population reduction is one thing, but how can you
support suicide and euthanasia, isn't that going too far, and I say this:
right now, one third, that's a rough figure, it's probably higher, one
third of the people on this earth are going to bed hungry every night. Does
this surprise you? Maybe you're lucky: maybe you live in a country that
still has some topsoil, or maybe your country steals food from everyone
else.
Don't get too smug, though, because simple arithmetic says the population
will reach *8 billion* by 2010. Now that's well within my, and many of your
lifetimes, and I'm telling you that if we, as *individuals*, allow that to
happen, we are going to see suffering on a scale we can't even imagine yet,
even right here, in the United States, and some of you are going to wish
you had killed yourselves, because this planet is going to be a very grim
and frightening place. It already is for most people.
So that's why I say "save the planet, kill yourself." Because it really has
come to this, and if you've had enough, and you want to get out of the
game, and you honestly believe that's the best thing you can do for
yourself and for the planet, I, Rev. Chris Korda, am not going to stand in
your way. I'll make you a Euthanasian saint. And if no one listens to me,
and the population keeps on growing, until there's no trees, and no hope,
I'll join you. I think about it every day, and I feel *shame*. I'm ashamed
of the way humans have behaved, especially *American* humans. When I look
at the ugliness Americans have created in just two hundred years, and when
I read about the "savages" we've exterminated to make room for our
so-called civilization, *I feel suicidal rage*, and that's okay, because
that's what the Church of Euthanasia is all about.
Now suppose, for the sake of argument, we divide people into two groups:
those who think there are too many of us, and those who think there aren't
enough. If you think there are too many of us, why not take some personal
responsibility for it? Maybe we're the church for you. But if you think
there's not enough of us, consider your allies. The people who oppose
euthanasia, and say it's morally wrong, are very often the same people who
oppose abortion; they're the same people who oppose contraception and
family planning; they've opposed sex for pleasure for a thousand years, and
you know who these people are, they are the *Catholic church and the
fundamentalist christians*. Their religious teachings have been a disaster
for the planet, and we cannot allow them to dominate us any longer. They're
the *real* sinners, and they can't help themselves, so we have to help
them: we have to *lead by example*.
How do we lead by example? By practicing sex for pleasure, it's a
revolutionary act, remember Joycelyn Elders, she wanted to teach
masturbation and look what happened to her...by showing the maximum
compassion for *all* beings, we can start by not eating their flesh, why
are we feeding most of our grain to cattle when people are starving...by
supporting abortion, we're *not* pro-choice, we're pro-*abortion*, why
isn't it *free*, it's every woman's sacred right...by supporting Dr. Jack
Kevorkian and the right to die, and above all by *choosing to not
procreate*, until their churches are empty and ours is full, until the
population is reduced to a sustainable level, and balance is restored
between ourselves and every other species on this beautiful, living planet.
Thank you
[and there's a lot more cheer where this came from]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 05:50:01 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"All copying or use of this copywrited material without the composers
permission is strictly prohibited and will result in severe penalties
including singing this song to yourself and having the tune stuck in your
head for two weeks and popping into your head right before orgasm. (U.S.
PC 3274653-75a87)"
- D. Walden Prust's copyright notice for a song of his, posted to a
mailing-list
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Signature of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
bill davidsen (davidsen@tmr.com)
Company policy prevents me from commenting on the performance of
this distributed database. However, the machines on which it runs
are called bottleneck and roadblock.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 10:53:36 -0600 (CST)
From: "Miles O'Neal" <meo@pencom.com>
Subject: Sign of a good consulting candidate
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Dave Makower said...
>"Looks like
>you've got twice as much glass as you need."
Of course, you left out the part where he implements his solution by
banging the glass on the side of a table, handing you the shattered, jagged
pieces of the top of the glass, and making off with the portion of the
bottom remaining intact.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 00:49:35 -0600
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@ddg.com>
Subject: Tech support heaven
To: The Humour Mill <friends-of-wru@hipark.austin.isd.tenet.edu>
Probably old humor for those "in the business."
Thank you for calling Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support!
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch docs in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Feb 1997 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: The PneUmatic side of the Force
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: daveb@tkg.austin.ibm.com
From: eje@world.std.com (Eric Ewanco)
Upon visiting Taco Bell/KFC during this Star Wars movie rerelease period,
I was greeted with a poster featuring an image of Yoda on some sort of a
promotion which beckoned in large letters, "FEEL THE FORCE."
It was not immediately clear what was being promoted, but the only thing
that came to my mind was perhaps their bean burritos.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 09:05:04 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: The War of the Sexes
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: bc@pixar.com (Bill Carson)
Forwarded-by: Terence Johnson <tjohnson@comland.com>
From: David Pierce <dpierce@prismnet.com>
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
----------------------------------------------------------------
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation
17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television
to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out
of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Tip of the Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
TIP OF THE DAY
Everyone, at the beginning of a romance, lies. You have to. It's a way
of covering your insecurities and presenting yourself in the best light
possible.
But every lie is a "debt" you eventually have to pay back. This is why
it's a good idea to keep track of all your lies in a notebook. Because
the only thing worse than lying is forgetting you lied and being called
on it.
Eventually, you will have to consolidate all your lies under one big
Umbrella Lie. Try this one:
"When we first met, I was taking an experimental hay fever drug called
Alledrone, and one of the side effects is an overactive imagination. So,
I might have told you I once drummed for Pearl Jam, but that's because I
really believed I drummed for Pearl Jam. The stuff just makes me lie.
It's not my fault. It's Parke Davis'."
>From Self-Help for the Bleak by Rich Hall
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Today's fantasy.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dan Cross <tenser@spitfire.ecsel.psu.edu>
Forwarded-by: JEFFREY ALLEN DURST <jfd6@aber.ac.uk>
Forwarded-by: Bradley E Wiggins <bewst7+@pitt.edu>
So there I was, sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed
the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a
jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how
if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 722-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began
to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in the
wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy
climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I
noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk
and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling
the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an
obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked
out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung
up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang
fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into
my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half
a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. A
couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to
be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would
have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced
the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury
find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Tools of the trade.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised,
the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see
that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just
can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied.
"Look, I'm a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front of me?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Mar 97 11:00:25 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Two atoms in a bar
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Two atoms are sitting in a bar, talking. "Hey, I think I lost an
electron!" "You sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 1997 08:13:51 -0600
From: mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com (Michael Cook)
Subject: Yucks: "What are you in for?" (original)
To: SPAF
Original humor that passed through my head recently
(and came out here):
Two law-breakers were commiserating with each other in jail one day.
Pete asked "What are you in here for?" Hank replied "Breaking and
entering. I got some real nice stuff in one guy's house."
Then Hank asked Pete "What are you in here for?" Pete answered "I was
caught with a pal looting a clothing store. We got some money, jewelry,
and real-hair wigs."
"So, they got you on robbery?" Hank asked.
"Well, that and one other charge," said Pete.
"What's that?"
Pete mumbled "Tress-passing."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------