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Yucks Digest V7 #3 (Assorted shtuff)
Yucks Digest Thu, 27 Feb 97 Volume 7 : Issue 3
Today's Topics:
...and then you die.
A story of creation and the flood.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
Biopersonals!!
Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?
English As She Is Spoke
FidoNet
Glass half full
How To Select A Starting Salary
ISDN psychic telephone services
I thought you might like this one...
One line summary of Java security talk
Oxymorons
Quote of the Day - North
README.FIRST
Shooting Yourself in the Foot
success
Tappety-tap
Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
The Twelve Networking Truths
Top 15 new Star Wars Scenes (fwd)
Typical Male Abuse of Power?
User friendly, too?
What Democracy Means to Me
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ...and then you die.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: kptben@aol.com (KPT Ben)
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english,alt.folklore.computers,comp.arch
Subject: Re: Funny (was Risque) Mnemonics
Of course, the PPC architecture defines the instruction:
"load floating-point single-precision indexed with update"
with the mnemonic "lfsux".
Whenever the Mac debugger Macsbug finds this in the disassembly, it adds
the comment:
"It's also a bitch, then you die."
Go figure :)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 16:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: A story of creation and the flood.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Tim Wright <timw@sequent.com>
Forwarded-by: "JP" <john@parnaby.demon.co.uk>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A STORY OF CREATION AND THE FLOOD
In the beginning there was absolutely nothing at all. Not even a formless
void, seriously nothing. And God said 'This is bloody marvellous.'
Then in a careless moment he created something that was not nothing and
the whole of the universe suddenly sprang out of it. Light, darkness,
time, space, a vault of stars, heaven, earth, seed-bearing plants, water
and air teeming with living creatures and all manner of creeping things
that inhabit the earth. And God said, 'Whoops.'
Then amongst the many creeping things on the earth he noticed a man and
a woman who were not entirely unlike himself and he said unto them. 'It
is not good for you to be alone and certainly not good that you have no
computing power. I give to you each a perfect PC, engineered to the
highest standards and absolutely crash resistant. The operating system
is entirely intuitional and upgrades itself to your own personal needs on
the fly. It consumes no power and will serve you for your entire life,
which of course in Eden is a bloody long time.' And Adam and Eve said,
'That's jolly decent of you.'
Now both of them were naked but they felt no shame in front of each other.
The serpent was the most subtle of all the wild beasts that God had made.
It asked the woman, 'Did God really say you must not under any
circumstances take the back off your PC?' The woman answered, 'We may take
the back off any of the appliances in the Garden and generally tinker with
any interesting technology but of the PC God said "You must not take the
back off it, nor even consider taking the screws out and having a peek
inside, under pain of death."'
Then the serpent said to the woman, 'No! you will not die! God knows in
fact that on the day you open up the case your eyes will be opened and
you will be like gods knowing good and evil.' The woman saw that the PC
was extremely clever and pleasing to the eye, and that it was desirable
for the knowledge that it could give. So she took the back off it and
looked inside and she showed it to Adam who was with her and he looked
inside also. Then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realised
that they were naked. So they sewed fig leaves together to make themselves
loin-clothes but not before they had dug out their Polaroid camera.
Adam and Eve heard the sound of God walking in the garden and they hid
from him because they were naked. God said 'How did you know you were
naked? Have you tinkered with things you should not have?' And Adam said,
'It was Eve, not me, honest. She took the back off and I had a brief look
inside.' And Eve said, 'It wasn't my fault, the serpent tempted me and I
looked.'
Then God said to the serpent, 'Because you have done this, be accursed
beyond all corporate managers. You shall be the managing director of a
world software monopoly and be despised by all creatures. I will make you
enemies of each other, you and the woman, your offspring and her
offspring. She will crush your head and you will strike her heel.'
To the woman he said, 'I will multiply your pains in computing, you will
from now on have to use IBM compatible machines. You will have to learn
in pain the horrors of interrupts, conflicts, shortage of memory, dip
switches,inexplicable crashes, parity errors, the RS232 standard,
mountains of jargon and programs engineered to work more slowly so that
you have to buy a faster machine for no net gain!'
And to the man he said, 'Accursed be the whole field of computing for you.
Every day you will have to take the back off your machine. Each part of
your system will be driven by a separate daughter board each one
conflicting with the next. There will be no support for anything because
the standard you buy into will be obsolete on the day your cheque is
cashed! You will become obsessed with upgrades and 'faster' will become
your new god. You will spend more time with your PC than with Eve and she
will become majorly pissed off.'
And so God expelled Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. He banished them
and in front of the garden he posted two mighty bouncers, and set in the
gateway a massive Apple through which no mortal could pass.
The man had intercourse several times with Eve and she conceived and gave
birth to a surprising number of children. And inexplicably without the
hint of incest the world was populated with computer engineers, systems
analysists information technologists and PC magazine editors.
THE FLOOD
God saw that the wickedness of man was great and that the thoughts of his
heart fashioned nothing but wickedness all day long. God regretted again
having created everything and resolved to do something about it. And he
said, 'I will destroy everything, all birds of the air and fish that make
their way through the waters, all creeping things which I never liked
anyway and all men and women who have become corrupt. I will send a mighty
flood, a deluge that will engulf the whole world. A seductive operating
system that will promise everything but which delivers nothing! A program
that will enslave and destroy the world.'
However one or two people had found favour with God. He looked at the
earth and saw that a few men and women had never ever taken the backs of
their computers! In fact they never thought about why they should, for
their machines worked faultlessly, never crashed and never needed
pointless upgrades.
And God said, 'That rings a bell.'
Hurriedly returning to the Garden he found a distinct lack of personelle
on the gate, no Apple and absolutely no PCs inside.... So while the flood
wreaked havoc over the face of the globe just a few climbed aboard the
ark clutching the fruits of Eden!
And then, realising he had been a bit harsh God said, 'Never again shall
I curse the earth, its wildfowl, its fish nor its seed-bearing plants .
You may freely use the machines made in the Garden and as a sign of this
new covenant I will mark each one with a rainbow in the shape of an
apple.'
And Lo, after the flood had receded the travellers on the ark inhabited
a new country and enjoyed a land flowing with rivers. Especially happy
were the two very large gentlemen who became exceedingly rich and
especially unhappy were the horrible creeping things which inhabited the
earth, they were totally obliterated.
Here endeth the first lesson.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Be afraid, be very afraid.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jim@hosaka.SmallWorks.COM (Jim Thompson)
Forwarded-by: John Chadwick <CHADWICK@darwin.nmmnh-abq.mus.nm.us>
Reason #173 to fear technology...
o o o o o <o <o> o> o
.|. \|. \|/ // X \ | <| <|>
/\ >\ /< >\ /< >\ /< >\ /<
Mr. Asciihead learns the Macarena.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Biopersonals!!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: bmah@cs.berkeley.edu (Bruce A. Mah)
Forwarded-by: Dan Harvitt <Dan@oliver.berkeley.edu>
For the Scientist in all of us!
Biopersonals
I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up
with congenial TACGTAC.
Menge a trois! Ligands seeks two receptors into binding and mutual
phosphorylation. Let's get together and transduce some signals.
Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a
real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is
still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.
Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured
receptor who knows size isn't everything.
There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out in
those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right
peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active sight and
really turn me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!
Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've
shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute
vector to introduce me to the right host.
My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when
you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation.
Please forgive me.
Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites
prefered.
Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein.
This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right
target for long term hybridization.
Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic
on me. Let's fight senescence together!
I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal.
Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in
endless nights of colony stimulation.
I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal
that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will
penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my
potential energy
Kristina M. Stanfield
Dept. of Endocrinology/Molecular Medicine
Northwestern Medical School
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 96 13:54:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Emo Phillips, A 90's Philosopher?
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[All these jokes are attributed to Emo Phillips. -psl]
[Emo is one of my favorite comedians. Where has he been recently? --spaf]
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Guenther Stotzky <stotzky@is2.NYU.EDU>
Forwarded-by: David Pramer <PRAMER@ORSP.Rutgers.edu>
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."
The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a
bladder por favor." And the guy said "Is that to go?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm
only using blanks.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why
shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He
said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said,
"Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said,
"Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said,
"Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist
church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too!
Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church
of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are
you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist
church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day,
but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too
far.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 97 15:32:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: English As She Is Spoke
To: Fun_People@langston.com
[I was sure we had already had examples from "English As She Is Spoke" in
Fun_People, but since I can't find them anywhere in the Archives... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Sean Gugler <sean@starlight.epal.com>
Forwarded-by: Jason <bngladsh@prairie.lakes.com>
This comes from the best sixty cents I ever spent, a British book called
"The Incomplete Book of Failures: The Official Handbook of the
Not-Terribly-Good Club of Great Britain". It's probably out of print
and unavailable, but get it if you can.
[****If any Yucks reader can find a copy for me, I would be extremely
grateful --spaf! *****]
The Worst Phrasebook
=================
Pedro Carolino is one of the all-time freats. In 1883 he wrote an
English-Portuguese phrasebook despite having little or no command of the
English language.
His greatly recommended book "The New Guide of the Conversation in
Portuguese and English" has now been reprinted under the title "English As
She is Spoke".
After a brief dedication:
'We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, and
for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acceptation of the
studious persons, and especially of the youth, at which we dedicate him
particularly.'
Carolino kicks off with some 'Familiar phrases' which the Portuguese
holidaymaker might find useful. Among these are:
Dress your hairs
This hat go well
Undress you to
Exculpate me by your brother's
She make the prude
Do you cut the hairs?
He has tost his all good
He then moves on the 'Familiar Dialogues' which include 'For to wish the
good morning,' and 'For to visit a sick.'
Dialogue 18 - 'For to ride a horse' - begins: 'Here is a horse who have
bad looks. Give me another. I will not that. He not sall know to march,
he is pursy, he is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as
like? he is unshoed, he is with nails up.' In the section on 'Anecdotes'
Carolino offers the following guaranteed to enthrall any listener:
'One eyed was laied against a man which had good eyes that he saw better
than him. The party was accepted. I had gain, over said the one eyed; why
I se you two eyes, and you not look me who one.'
It is difficult to top that, but Carolino manages in a useful section of
'Idiotism and proverbs'. These include:
Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss
He eat to coaches
A take is better than two you shall have
The stone as roll not heap up not foam
and the well-known expression:
The dog than bark not bite
Carolino's particular genius was aided by the fact that he did not possess
an Enlish-Portuguese Dictionary. However, he did possess Portuguese-Prench
and French-English dictionaries through both of which he dragged his
original expressions. The results yield language of originality and great
beauty. Is there anything in conventional English which could equal the
vividness of 'To craunch a marmoset'?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 16:51:43 +0000 (GMT)
From: Lloyd Wood <L.Wood@surrey.ac.uk>
Subject: FidoNet
To: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
On Tue, 25 Feb 1997, glen mccready (Oxdeadbeef) wrote:
> This appears to be from Bob Moroney of Sydney Australia...
[..]
> I have a theory on the origin of the internet. Our canine companions have
> had a similar network in place for millenia. Think about it -- the dog over
> the back barks, yours barks, the one down the road barks and so on.
You'll find a modern full-WAN optic-fibre implementation of this in
the cyborg-dog 'Rat Things' that act as the networked security
guardians of Mr Lee's Greater Hong Kong independent-nation-state
franchulates in Neal Stephenson's 'Snow Crash'.
Fido is a dog character pivotal to the ending of the novel. His
networking with other dogs is discussed in excruciating depth,
stretching the Fidonet joke even further than this does.
Previous incarnations of this primitive datagram network were
discussed extensively decades ago in the novel '101 Dalmations' and
its almost-forgotten sequel, where alien dogs heard the howls to the
moon and came and took the protagonists away to a Better Place.
Nobody's done the dog anonymous offload posting and sniff-retrieval
sites in full and to the death yet, though.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 14:05:03 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Glass half full
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Tom Tucker, tom@tkg.com
Forwarded-by: Shane Claussen <shane@austin.ibm.com>
Reengineering Half-A-Glass
An optimist is someone who says a glass is half full. A pessimist
says it's half empty. A reengineering consultant says, "Looks like
you've got twice as much glass as you need."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 97 14:49:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: How To Select A Starting Salary
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Tony Kleinhans <kleinhan@mnsinc.com>
Starting Salary
Reaching the end of the job interview, the Human Resources person asked the
young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?".
The candidate responded confidently, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every
two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer responded, "Of course ... but you started it!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 14:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: ISDN psychic telephone services
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: daveb@kernel.austin.ibm.com
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 12:24:53 -0600 (CST)
From: jjhnsn@zilker.net (James Lee Johnson)
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.isdn
Subject: isdn psychic telephone services
One of the tenets of the psychic telephone services is that the
telephone is a good media for transmission of psychic energy.
Does anyone know if ISDN affects the psychic energy transmission
and whether the effect is positive or negative?
If the effect is negative, should one maintain a POTS (analog)
telephone line for use in calling psychics? If the effect is
positive, does anyone know of a psychic service that has ISDN
telephones at their end so that the transmission can be pure ISDN?
Please respond directly to me and I will summarize for everyone.
Thank You.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 10:23:38 +0000
From: John White <J.R.White@derby.ac.uk>
Subject: I thought you might like this one...
To: spaf
A lady goes to her doctor complaining of stomach pains and some
abdominal swelling. The doctor examines her nether regions and prepares to
impart his diagnosis, asking her:
"Do you like changing nappies?"
"Why?" she asks excitedly "Does that mean I'm pregnant?"
"No" says the doctor. "You've got bowel cancer."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 96 12:56 EST
From: lda@control.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: One line summary of Java security talk
To: edg@control.att.com, alan@intac.com, spaf
Summary of talk presented by the Princeton Univ. gang
regarding Java (in)security.
From: prem@research.att.com (Premkumar Devanbu)
Subject: One line summary of Java security talk
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 96 11:55 EST
"You give us your corporate strategy documents and your billing records,
and we'll give you dancing beans on your screen."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Oxymorons
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" <kole@convex.convex.com>
Forwarded-by: cowles@hydra.convex.com (John Cowles)
Forwarded-by: csharbau@ix.netcom.com (Catherine Sharbaugh)
OXYMORONS
Almost Certain Gain Reduction Open Secret
Alone Together Genuine Reproduction Original Copy
Awfully Pretty Home Office Peace Offensive
Bureaucratic Efficiency Ill Health Permanently Temporary
Bitter Sweet Important Trivia Press Release
Black Light Initial Conclusion Pretty Ugly
Blameless Culprits Intimate Strangers Rap Music
Casual Sex Jumbo Shrimp Recorded Live
Certainly Unsure Less Filling Rolling Stop
Civil War Light Opera Routine Emergency
Clean Dirt Liquid Gas Science Fiction
Clearly Confused Little Monster Second Best
Clever Fool Little More Serious Comedy
Cold Sweat Living Dead Standard Deviation
Constant Variables Local Network Start Over
Cost Savings Major Minority Steel Wool
Criminal Justice Military Intelligence Sterilized Fertilizer
Death Benefit Modern History Strangely Familiar
Definite Probability Never Again Student Teacher
Divorce Court New Improved Terribly Nice
Even Odds New Tradition Thunderous Silence
Exact Estimate Now Then Tremendously Small
Friendly Fire Numb Feelings Work Party
Fresh Frozen Old News Working Vacation
Front End Only Choice
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 3 Apr 96 12:49:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Quote of the Day - North
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: SCruzin@aol.com
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
- Lieutenant Colonel turned politician Oliver North,
as he discussed his role in the Iran-Contra affair.
[Sounds like some of the projects my students have turned in. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 Apr 1996 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: README.FIRST
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: DNWU64A@prodigy.com (KEITH E SULLIVAN)
THE README.1ST FILE YOU WISH YOU HAD REALLY READ FIRST
By Michael Finley <mfinley@skypoint.com>
Exclusive to St. Paul Pioneer Press
IMPORTANT! This online file contains information not available at the
time the documentation for this product, EZ-Net Pro III+, was printed.
This version (READ119.ME 12/25/95) supersedes the 118 previous READ.ME
files. For a complete set of all READ.ME files, call 1-900-442-4444.
The fee for this set is $29.95, plus $.50 per minute of the call.
SPECIFICATIONS. The official minimum requirement for running EZ-Net Pro
III+ is 4 megabytes of RAM and an Intel 80386 microprocessor. Field
reports suggest, however, that a more optimal configuration might be 16
megabytes and a Pentium Plus.
WHAT'S NEW. EZ-Net Pro III+, Version 3.1 is an upgrade of EZ-Net Pro
III+, Version 3.0, released in October of this year. It includes fixes
of many of the problems reported in Version 3. It also includes online
wizards.
PRICING. The price for the complete EZ-Net Pro III+ is $399.95. The
price for the 90-day upgrade, including fixes and wizards, is $249.95.
TECHNICAL SUPPORT. Before you call, write down your CONFIG.SYS,
AUTOEXEC.BAT, WIN.INI, SYSTEM.INI, and EZPRO.INI files. Also write
relevant information from your CMOS file about hard disk type, IRQ
interrupts, expanded memory, extended memory, and DMA channels.
The hours for technical support are 2-4 PM, Tuesdays and Thursdays,
Honk Kong time. The number is 1-900-442-4444. Callers will be
assessed a $.50 per minute charge. Technicians answer calls in the
order they are made. Over 55% of calls are answered in the first
twelve minutes. Due to the popularity of tech support services, EZ-Net
Corp. is giving consideration at this time to adding an additional
support line.
Callers impatient with delays may be interested in our "Caller Waiting
Catalog," featuring programs and publications to help pass the time
online. Included is information about needlecrafts, scrimshaw, and
copies of our English phrase book for call centers. For more
information, call 1-900-442-4444.
INSTALLATION. To install, copy all the files from the disks supplied
with EZ-NET Pro III+ onto your hard disk. Load them in the assigned
order, from Disk #1 (Setup) to Disk #23 (Help Files). If your system
locks up during set-up, simply reboot and start again.
During installation, EZ-Net Pro III+ will create temporary files
consuming 80 megabytes of space, which will then be deleted upon the
completion of the installation. You may wish to delete permanent
programs to make room for these temporary files. EZ-Net Pro III+ will
create an indestructible EZ-Net group for the other fine programs in
the EZ-Net Corp. family of software applications.
Some users report difficulty in reading disks supplied with EZ-Net Pro
III+. These disks conform to the industry's most exacting standards
for tensile strength and are certified by an independent evaluator to
be as good as new. Before calling technical support, check to see that
your disk drives are properly aligned.
For best results, do not run EZ-Net Pro III+ concurrently with other
programs. Do not run EZ-Net Pro III+ in "turbo" mode. Do not run EZ-
Net Pro III+ near other electronic equipment, magnetic fields, power
lines or on portable computers. If your computer uses an internal
modem, disconnect the modem before using EZ-Net Pro III+.
EZ-Net Pro III+ can cause instability in Windows 3.1 and in Windows 95.
For best results, use Windows 3.0.
Do not expose disks to light.
Any use of EZ-Net Pro III+ that goes against implied and expressed
conditions stated by EZ-Net Corp. constitutes a violation of the
licensing agreement and renders the limited warranty null and void at
the discretion of EZ-Net Corp. and its assignees.
If trouble persists, see your repair entity or call Technical Support
at 1-900-442-4444. You will be assessed $.50 per minute of your call.
TROUBLESHOOTING. If EZ-Net Pro Net III+ does not work, the problem is
usually with your hardware. Check that all cables are securely
attached and that the power switch is in the "ON" position. If disk
bays emit smoke upon reboot, call 1-900-442-4444 for further
instructions. You will be charged $.50 per minute of your call.
EX-Net Pro III+ operates differently on different systems. While 100%
IBM compatible, problems have occurred with off-brand systems such as
Compaq, Dell, and Gateway. Switch to a 100% IBM compatible system and
most problems will disappear.
Feel free to play with the macro language described in your booklet
"Fun with the EZ-Net Pro III+ Scripting Language Ver.2" It is great
fun. If you can create a macro to return the user to the main menu
from the scripting utility, please call us immediately at 1-900-442-
4444. The $.50 per minute charge will be waived.
For additional problems, consult your user's manual "Operation Manual
for EZ-Net Pro III+ Version 3.1." Note that the errata sheet, inserted
in the inside front cover, contains several errors. Microsoft Corp. is
located in Redmund, WA, not Singapore. Our corporate motto has been
changed to "Concrete Solutions for Computer Applications," from
"Applying a Concrete Solution to Your Computer."
OUR GUARANTEE. We thank you for purchasing EZ-Net Pro III+. Our goal
is complete customer satisfaction. To be sure of your responsibilities
and obligations under this license, refer to the list in Appendix 1 in
your manual, entitled "What You May Not Do."
You are protected by the EZ-Net Pro III+ limited warranty. To invoke
this warranty, simply send us by registered mail the unopened box, with
disk envelopes still sealed, along with serial number, which is written
on Set-Up Disk #1. Include your original receipt and a return
authorization number. To obtain a return authorization number, call
customer service at 1-900-442-4444. As per the fine print of our
limited warranty, we will send you a new copy of EZ-Net Pro III+ free
of charge. Users will be assessed a $.50 per minute charge.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Shooting Yourself in the Foot
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: <J.=Kessler%IM%SPN@smtp.spd.usace.army.mil> (j. kessler)
Came across this, somehow, somewhere......
Instructions for
"Shooting Yourself in the Foot"
in various computer languages
and systems/interfaces
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which
are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes; then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run
out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
handling routine.
Modula-2:
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.Foot, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN. TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return
HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with water pistol. On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual BASIC:
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun
doing it that you won't care.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot; then spend all day figuring out
how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
UNIX:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the
ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to
pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Apple System 7:
Double click the gun icon and a window giving a selection for
guns, target areas, plus balloon help with medical remedies, and
assorted sound effects. Click shoot button and small bomb appears
with note "Error of type 1 has occurred."
DOS (all versions):
You finally found the gun, but can't locate the file with the foot
for the life of you.
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his
feet."
Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
medic in the emergency room.
APL (alternate):
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
Assembler:
You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment
of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot
and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in
sight.
sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk:
You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character-cell
terminal.
English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 1996 11:18:41 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: success
To: zjin@isse.gmu.edu, hayes@cg4.saic.com, lili@lccinc.com, pfarrell@netcom.com, ralexand@gmu.edu
There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 1997 16:04:10 +0000 (GMT)
From: Frank Wales <frank@limitless.co.uk>
Subject: Tappety-tap
To: netagere@limitless.co.uk
[taken from 'The Week', Wit & Wisdom column, 1997/02/22]
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters
will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
"Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
--Professor Robert Silensky of California University,
quoted in the Mail on Sunday
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
little wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell
that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's
the matter, baby?"
Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the
nicest guy I've ever met, but every time we make love I get splinters!"
This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to
seek some advice form his father, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived,
Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what
was the matter. As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto, Gepetto
searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he smiled and suggested
that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with
his girlfriend. Pinnochio thanked Gepetto and went home.
A couple weeks later, when Gepetto was in town to have some knife blades
sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw
Pinnochio buying a variety of sandpaper stock, he remarked, "So,
Pinnochio, things must be going pretty well with your girlfriend!"
To which Pinnochio replied, "Girls, who needs girls!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 13:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: The Twelve Networking Truths
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Network Working Group R. Callon, Editor
Request for Comments: 1925 IOOF
Category: Informational 1 April 1996
The Twelve Networking Truths
Status of this Memo
This memo provides information for the Internet community. This memo
does not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of
this memo is unlimited.
Abstract
This memo documents the fundamental truths of networking for the
Internet community. This memo does not specify a standard, except in
the sense that all standards must implicitly follow the fundamental
truths.
Acknowledgements
The truths described in this memo result from extensive study over an
extended period of time by many people, some of whom did not intend
to contribute to this work. The editor merely has collected these
truths, and would like to thank the networking community for
originally illuminating these truths.
1. Introduction
This Request for Comments (RFC) provides information about the
fundamental truths underlying all networking. These truths apply to
networking in general, and are not limited to TCP/IP, the Internet,
or any other subset of the networking community.
2. The Fundamental Truths
(1) It Has To Work.
(2) No matter how hard you push and no matter what the priority,
you can't increase the speed of light.
(2a) (corollary). No matter how hard you try, you can't make a
baby in much less than 9 months. Trying to speed this up
*might* make it slower, but it won't make it happen any
quicker.
(3) With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is
not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they
are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them
as they fly overhead.
(4) Some things in life can never be fully appreciated nor
understood unless experienced firsthand. Some things in
networking can never be fully understood by someone who neither
builds commercial networking equipment nor runs an operational
network.
(5) It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems
into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases
this is a bad idea.
(6) It is easier to move a problem around (for example, by moving
the problem to a different part of the overall network
architecture) than it is to solve it.
(6a) (corollary). It is always possible to add another level of
indirection.
(7) It is always something
(7a) (corollary). Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick any two (you can't
have all three).
(8) It is more complicated than you think.
(9) For all resources, whatever it is, you need more.
(9a) (corollary) Every networking problem always takes longer to
solve than it seems like it should.
(10) One size never fits all.
(11) Every old idea will be proposed again with a different name and
a different presentation, regardless of whether it works.
(11a) (corollary). See rule 6a.
(12) In protocol design, perfection has been reached not when there
is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take
away.
Security Considerations
This RFC raises no security issues. However, security protocols are
subject to the fundamental networking truths.
References
The references have been deleted in order to protect the guilty and
avoid enriching the lawyers.
Author's Address
Ross Callon
Internet Order of Old Farts
c/o Bay Networks
3 Federal Street
Billerica, MA 01821
Phone: 508-436-3936
EMail: rcallon@baynetworks.com
Callon Informational [Page 3]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 15:39:13 +0000
From: Duncan McAlpine <mcalpin@eskimo.com>
Subject: Top 15 new Star Wars Scenes (fwd)
To: spaf
___________________________________________________________________________
>
> Subject: Top 15 new Star Wars Scenes
>
>
>
>
> 15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick
> himself.
>
> 14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
> Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing
> immensely.
>
> 13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
> knee with a light saber.
>
> 12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
> the Fifth, Luke."
>
> 11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
> the Hut.
>
> 10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
>
> 9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
> brass ass.
>
> 8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
>
> 7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
> to pee.
>
> 6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
>
> 5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his
> name.
>
> 4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special
> attachment.
>
> 3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red
> paint.
>
> 2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
>
>
> and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
>
>
> 1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
> none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 96 13:45:42 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Typical Male Abuse of Power?
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: eljefe@netcom.com (Jef Jaisun)
Forwarded-by: Sherry Bloxam
True story (from Dartmouth):
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She
glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer
to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you even ... *study*?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 1996 09:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: User friendly, too?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: Chris Torek <torek@BSDI.COM>
> The first point and click interface -- Smith & Wesson
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 09:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: What Democracy Means to Me
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: Tim Walding <walding@tkg.austin.ibm.com>
Forwarded-by: Greg Evans
"What Democracy Means to Me"
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits
of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can
grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice
president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single
dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races,
colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18
years if you're Jim Bakker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have
to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy
does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having
two or more ineffective political parties. Democracy means freedom of
sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of
choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy
is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold
onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing
and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge
amount of money. Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields
of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected
officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the
big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting
even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door.
It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not good television,
but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be
talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted
by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we've
just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to
bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13
arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars
over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this
country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck
for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle. I thank you.
Rob Cordes
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------