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Yucks Digest V7 #2 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 24 Feb 97 Volume 7 : Issue 2
Today's Topics:
... viewing other people as 100 watt lightbulbs.
A quote
A Real Hole in One!
Catastrophes....
Could I, should I, end this strife?
DoggieNet?
For all you planning to ski this season...
FWD>RE>Definitions (fwd)
Low pay, long hours
Microsoft Bashing Time again!
Monday Funny!
No jokes today
OJJOTD - 2/20/97
oxymorons (fwd)
Quote of the Day
Signature of the day
Top Ten Netscape 4.0 Features
WEIRDNUZ.469 (News of the Weird, January 31, 1997)
What people have to understand is this was an honest mistake.
WhiteBoard News
A Cultural Difference Primer
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... viewing other people as 100 watt lightbulbs.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: friedman@splode.com (Noah Friedman)
Someone at MIT wrote this. I can't believe I didn't save the headers,
but I can't find the original message (although I did find one reply).
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Subject: The CP/Donut Heat Engine
Feel free to forward this to any 2.40 types you feel might be interested.
I'm such a nerd and love it so....
Thursday, there was some conference for campus police officers in 10-250.
I made the mistake of walking by this ill-fated room and discovered (quite
to my surprise, of course) the largest array of donuts I have ever seen
in my life. They had six full-sized folding tables absolutely FILLED with
donuts.
If we consider 3m^2 of space per table and six tables, that's 18m^2 of
space for donuts. A donut on its side is approximately 3cm x 15cm or
.0045m^2. This makes 4000 donuts! 10-250 seats a maximum of 300 people,
which gives us an incredible 13.3 cream-filled chocolate-glazed
confectionaries per police officer!
At a conservative 350 calories/donut, that means that each CP consumed
4600 calories at the conference yesterday, which happens to be just about
double the entire reccomended caloric intake of a sedentary middle-aged
male.
Let's model 10-250 as a closed system. Consider it a triangular prism
formed by cutting a 5m X 30m x 35m rectangular solid across its diagonal,
resulting in an enclosed volume of 2625m^2. Through PV=mRT we find that
the mass of air enclosed in this room is m=PV/RT (Rair=287, T=300K, P=10e5
Pa), or 305 kg of air.
If 25% of the donuts' energy is converted to heat by the body (the
remainder going to the production of fat and the recombination of chemical
bonds after digestion), we see that (.25 x 4000 donuts x 350 kcal/donut
x 4.16 kJ/kcal) 364000 kJ of energy is released into the room.
Now, if we use U=mc(T2-T1), we can find the final temperature of the room.
U=364,000 kJ, m= 305 kJ, T1 = 300 K, c(air)= .716 kJ/kg-K
The final temperature in the room would end up being 1395 K or 1122
degrees C. This is just about the melting point of copper....
This suggests that 10-250 is NOT an open system or that less than 25% of
the donuts' energy actually gets converted to heat.
Now, what exactly is the implication of 364 MJ? It may seem like a lot
of energy (and it is) but what exactly is it in terms of power? As the
egalitarian's credo tells us, power is more important than work, and the
demands of this problem also state that instantaneous output is more
important than the integrated function.
I think the conference was eight hours long. Instantaneous power output
is measured in Kilowatts, which is a J/sec. Eight hours is (8 hours x 60
min/hr x 60 sec/min) 28800 sec, giving us a power output of 12.64 kW
total. We previously assumed 300 people in the room, or 42 Watts/cop.
Thus, each cop is putting out about 2/3 as much heat as a standard
incandescent light bulb. This is completely reasonable.
I feel as if I have just hit upon some great truth of humanity here, but
I'm not sure what it is.
In Nerd Hell
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
From: bob@grackle.stockbridge.ma.us (Robert J. Chassell)
To: friedman@gnu.ai.mit.edu
Subject: Re: nerd hell
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 94 07:44:17 EST
..., each cop is putting out about 2/3 as much heat as a standard
incandescent light bulb. This is completely reasonable.
An average person puts out about 100 watts:
2000 kcal/day in food approx.
4.16 kj/kcal
60 sec/min
60 min/hr
24 hr/day
(/ (* 4160 2000) (* 24 60 60))
==> 96 j/sec
This is a useful rule of thumb:
When you host a group of twenty people, you should expect that your room
will warm up as if it contained two 1kw electric heaters, and plan to cool
the room appropriately.
Energy thoughput is the bread and butter of engineering and technology.
I cannot imagine how anyone at MIT can avoid viewing other people as 100
watt lightbulbs.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 14:58:34 -0500 (EST)
From: Michelle Mariga <mlm>
Subject: A quote
To: spaf
Here is a good quote I just received:
"Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a
tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when needed." Anonymous
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 16:22:15 -0800
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: A Real Hole in One!
To: barnard@txdirect.net, Catherine Tryon <105524.1730@compuserve.com>, Laurelab@aol.com, shawnp@omegabyte.com, spaf, summer@lanbit.com.tw, bchen@lanbit.com.tw
This joke may be slightly offensive...
[Yes, but funny. I first heard it about 20 years ago. I still like
it. --spaf]
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find
the ball, he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So
out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
"A magic potion" she replies.
"Well what is it for?" he asks.
"This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer" she relpies. At
this
he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable
but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of
golf.
Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every
possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he
manages
to get to and has a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds
himself
back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he
slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.
"Well", she asks, "How has your game been?"
"Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all
over
the country and never lost a game."
"And how about your sex life?"
"Oh, not bad."
"Really? This stuff can really ruin a guy's sex life. Say, how many
times did you have sex last year?"
"Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times."
"And you call that not bad?"
"Well for a priest with a small parish....."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 23:24:23 -0500
From: zamboni (Diego Zamboni)
Subject: Catastrophes....
To: spaf, schuba, krsul, roelr
Found this on an email signature... :-)
> Hiroshima 45, Tsjernobyl 86, Windows 95
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 12:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Could I, should I, end this strife?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E Patrick)
Forwarded-by: randall.woodman@lunatic.com)
Green Eggs and Hamlet
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration -
For I'm the king of procrastination.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 12:06:08 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: DoggieNet?
To: meo@wildride.schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
This appears to be from Bob Moroney of Sydney Australia...
----------------------------------------------------------
I have a theory on the origin of the internet. Our canine companions have
had a similar network in place for millenia. Think about it - the dog over
the back barks, yours barks, the one down the road barks and so on.
They have a very sophisticated communications protocol (K9 I think). This
consists of the familiar seven bite packet that we hear every night ( they
do it at night because there's more available bandwith in the audio spectrum
- fewer trucks, cars, machinery etc. ) you know - woof woof, woof woof woof
woof, woof.
The first two bites are the address i.e.
aunty.FiFi@the_big_Gum_Tree/with/persian
The next four bites are message data "Hey Auntie where's the bone you
promised me for Christmas you bitch"
The last bite is the CRC "Canine Rabies check" It's usually omitted by
Australian dogs because we don't have rabies but some yappies use it
transmit stock exchange information.
Now don't dismiss this this proposition too lightly. I know some of you will
say you can't get that much info into seven bites, but there's a big
difference between a bite and a byte. A byte, as we all know is only eight
bits. But to a dog a bite is something completely different. One bite,
"WOOF" , is around .125 seconds in length and is a modulated analogue signal
with a better bandwidth than the telephone network. Remember that dogs have
an auditory range which we regard as supersonic.
You may also say that reliance on sound waves as a carrier naturally limits
the Doggie Internet to a rather local service region. WAKE UP. Dogs invented
sattelite communications. They're not howling at the the moon at midnight,
that's just a high speed upload.
I know some of you may think this is silly but I'm sure there's enough other
loonies out there to come up with other analogies to keep this thread alive
and at least it might lower the cabin fever death toll.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 97 12:31:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: For all you planning to ski this season...
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Matthew T. Kleinosky" <mkleinosky@utsph.sph.uth.tmc.edu>
This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to
remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
-------------------------------------------------
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and
tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 09:36:25 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: FWD>RE>Definitions (fwd)
To: spaf
I hope my advisor will forgive me for calling him Dr. Brain Fart ...
Jeff
Forwarded message:
>From hayes@cg4.saic.com Fri Feb 21 06:23 EST 1997
>From: "HAYES, JANE" <hayes@cg4.saic.com>
>A little office humor...now I understand why people keep calling me
> 404!!!
> Jane
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the
sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned
into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and
now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just
wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is
great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills
and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by
addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent
six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of
Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct.
"Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime
at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that
half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL
Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't
be located. "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper
and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San
Francisco Chronicle ..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking
for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's
processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed
like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are
ready ... what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly.
A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the
Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A
dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically
to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a
bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing
your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's
Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank
and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they
were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from
their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the
rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are
speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just
said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn,
I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial
firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed
from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo
at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go
off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
get screwed in the end.
An addition from Pat Farrell ...
TenDroids
Students who attend classes like robots ... gimme my B and I'm
outta here.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 09:57:18 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Low pay, long hours
To: web-heads, bob
This was in my morning Mercury News summary. Although not an
interesting WWW page, per se, the story engenders a number of bizarre
images. Here it is for you to enjoy, too.
>Bosses at what was once a high-tech Soviet defense plant have been
>paying workers with handouts of the firm's new post-Cold War products
>-- including rubber sex aids. Employees at the Akhtuba factory in
>Volgograd, who have had no wages for over a year, are not satisfied
>with being paid in dildos and are now on the brink of revolt, the
>Moscow Times said. "We're on the verge of a strike to end this
>insulting situation," the chief shop steward said. The plant had
>previously made high-precision marine navigation instruments. For the
>full text story, see
>http://www.merc.com/stories/cgi/story.cgi?id=1664140-9f8
Image #1:
Aboard the new Russian guided missile cruiser "Steeli Danov":
"Keptain! A submarine!"
"Bearing?"
"2000 meters, bearing one-one-oh-oh-oh-OH-oooOOOOH!"
Image #2:
Workers standing arm in arm outside the factory, singing
"Take this job and shove it"
Image #3:
"Honey, I'm home! And guess what? I got a raise!"
"Those bastards -- are they trying to kill me?"
Image #4
"I'm sorry, that isn't what we need to open a 'layaway' account."
It goes downhill more quickly from here.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 97 13:38:28 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Microsoft Bashing Time again!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Schistosoma intercalatum <jgagnon@refer.qc.ca>
Forwarded-by: HumourNet
Microsoft Product-Announcement Template
MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <INSERT M$'S LAME IDEA ABOUT WHAT USERS
NEED>, Microsoft announced today that <INSERT M$'S LAME ANSWER TO LAME IDEA>.
"<DUMB QUOTE FROM A M$ EMPLOYEE ABOUT HOW USERS WILL `BENEFIT' FROM THIS
NEW M$ APPLICATION>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain
anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and
innovative!" "This new <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will free Windows
users from <SOME BUG OR MISSING FEATURE WHICH IS M$'S FAULT IN THE FIRST
PLACE>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of <SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE
ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS FALL ASLEEP>", said a member of Ziff-Davis
Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why <INSERT COMPETING
SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> is failing in the marketplace -- they have
failed to deliver an <ENTER FEATURE THAT ONLY A
BUSINESS-MAJOR-TURNED-COMPUTER-JOURNALIST COULD DREAM UP>."
When asked when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> would be available, a
Microsoft spokesperson said "<INSERT CONVOLUTED QUOTE THAT CONVINCES THE
USER THAT THE APPLICATION WILL BE RELEASED SOON OR EVEN YESTERDAY, BUT
DOESN'T COMMIT TO ANY SPECIFIC DATE>." The spokesperson also added, "It
really doesn't matter since <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is destined to
be the most <INSERT GLORIFIED PRAISE FOR NON- EXISTENT APPLICATION AND BE
SURE TO MENTION HOW IT WILL BE 'POWERFUL' AND WILL 'DOMINATE THE WORLD
SOFTWARE MARKET'>."
Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> has already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> disagreed
however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist.
<INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> has been shipping <INSERT
COMPETING PRODUCT THAT IS UNHEARD OF THANKS TO M$ MASS-MARKETING TECHNIQUES>
since <INSERT DATE FROM PRE-HISTORY (SEE JURASSIC PARK FOR EXAMPLES)>.
<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>, or whatever it's called, still relies on
DOS's <INSERT STUPID PART OF INSIPID DOS OPERATING SYSTEM> and is not a true
<INSERT LATEST COMPUTER JARGON FOR _MODERN_>." He added that "users who
think that <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will have no problems will be
in for a surprise."
Most users appear to remain unconvinced however. "<INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION
NAME> will <INSERT A NONSENSE LIST OF THINGS ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS HAS
HAD SINCE THE ENIAC> and it won't have any bugs or compatibility problems
because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE
APPLICATION'S NAME> which is less than perfect, when <INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> is right around the corner?"
----------<HUMOURNET>----------
"An ancient eastern proverb says: I complained because I had no shoes; then
I met a man who had no feet. For the 90's: I complained because I had no
PowerMac; then I met a man who used Windows."
-- Cloyce Sutton
----------<HUMOURNET>----------
"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
-- Samuel Clemens [Mark Twain] c.1900
-- Apple Computer [1984,1985,1986,1987,1988 ad nauseam]
----------<HUMOURNET>----------
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
----------<HUMOURNET>----------
"Who needs horror movies when we have Microsoft"?
-- Christine Comaford, PC Week, 27/9/95
----------<HUMOURNET>----------
Excerpt from new OSHA regulation on computer systems:
"... if said motherboard has installed an Intel central processing unit,
there will be affixed to the case, in a prominent location, the warning
label: 'Intel Inside.'"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 08:12:17 -0500
From: glc (Georgia Conarroe)
Subject: Monday Funny!
To: KEVIN_EHRMAN@KCFIREMED.ORG, ELLEN35758@aol.com, spaf, maneel, jackson, walls
Hope you enjoy this bit of humor that just came in via the
Purdue Physics dept...
>
>IMPORTANT SYSTEM UPGRADE INFORMATION
> Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
>found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources
>for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also
>is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
>resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in
>the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have
>informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the
>application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way
>that it is always launched at system initialization where it can
>monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
>applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0
>are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system
>when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At
>installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
>undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta
>release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each
>passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife
>2.0.
>A "Don't remind me again" button
>Minimize button
>An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
>the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and
>other system resources.
>An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
>would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more
>useful.
> I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with
>Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I
>found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on
>top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first.
>Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been
>aware of. Apparently the two versions of Girlfriend have conflicts
>over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed
>such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall
>program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving
>undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing
>that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little
>annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
> ***** BUG WARNING ********
> Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress
>1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
>before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
>install, claiming insufficient resources.
> *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
> To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a
>different system and never run any file transfer applications such
>as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that
>have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another
>solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
>an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
>accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 97 18:07:03 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: No jokes today
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Moussauche Okola <jgagnon@refer.qc.ca>
No jokes today. I'm just too bummed out because a friend of mine is in
danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was caught having
sex with some of his patients. It's such a waste! He was the best
veterinarian in town.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 97 19:05:07 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: OJJOTD - 2/20/97
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: "Matthew T. Kleinosky" <mkleinosky@utsph.sph.uth.tmc.edu>
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and
he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in
the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the
Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"About three hundred gallons."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 1997 20:24:52 -0500 (EST)
From: Jeff Offutt <ofut@isse.gmu.edu>
Subject: oxymorons (fwd)
To: spaf
Forwarded message:
From: MARY JOE OFFUTT <spon0063@morehead-st.edu
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
British fashion
Small crowd
Business ethics
Microsoft Works
Soft rock
Military intelligence
Software documentation
California culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Jumbo Shrimp
Hamburger Steak
Plastic Silverware
Freezer Burn
Management Objective
Almost Equal
Functional Test
Quality Management
Creation Science
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Quote of the Day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us (Steve Simmons)
Noted lowlife, mystery writer and country-western singer Kinky Friedman
was invited to vist the White House on Jan 9, 1997. He presented a
Montecristo #2 cigar to President Clinton and said "Remember, we're not
supporting the Cuban economy, merely burning their fields."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 13:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Signature of the day
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Some people hack for fun, some because they want things their
way, some don't because they can't, and some because they can't
be bothered. Some can make anything work, some can but would
rather not, and some could misconfigure a bowling ball.
-- bill davidsen <davidsen@tmr.com>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 97 12:24:40 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Top Ten Netscape 4.0 Features
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Forwarded-by: Ellie Young <ellie@usenix.ORG>
Forwarded-by: rich@jaross@ebay.sun.com
Forwarded-by: scottv@nwjruslem
Subject: TOP TEN NETSCAPE 4.0 FEATURES
10. Ebonics encryption built in!
9. Included: a Net phone that calls collect
8. Built-in support for all bad "Java" puns
7. An IE uninstaller that works
6. Free subscription to Slate
5. Doesn't crash under the Mac OS for at least five minutes!
4. Supports Internet, intranet, extranet, and now in version 4.0:
fishnet, hairnet, and dragnet, too
3. Support for the new HTML </stink> tag
2. Version available for Amiga OS
1. Way beyond "push" technology, Netscape now supports "squirt"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: WEIRDNUZ.469 (News of the Weird, January 31, 1997)
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: notw-request@nine.org (NotW List Admin)
WEIRDNUZ.469 (News of the Weird, January 31, 1997)
THE WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY
* In January, disbarred Parsonburg, Md., lawyer Paul Bailey Taylor, 61,
finally snapped after years of erratic behavior and barricaded himself
inside a church, armed with a rifle, for five hours before police
convinced him to surrender. When he was working, Taylor ran his law
practice from the bathroom of his unheated rural trailer, where he had
set up a desk over the toilet so that he could sit for long periods of
time because of an intestinal disorder. A social worker once described
the place as "clean," in that Taylor's 12 cats were neatly housed in
cardboard boxes and his legal papers were filed in an orderly fashion in
the bathtub.
[Make your own joke about the lawyer's briefs. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 12:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: What people have to understand is this was an honest mistake.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rmw@netscape.com (Robert Waugh)
Reebok Changes Name of 'Nightmarish' Shoe
Copyright 1997 by Reuters / Wed, 19 Feb 1997 10:52:02 PST
STOUGHTON, Mass. (Reuter) - Reebok International Ltd. said Wednesday it
will change the 'nightmarish' name of one of its women's running shoes.
Reebok has shipped 53,000 pairs of its "Incubus" shoes in the last year,
but found out only Tuesday that the name is that of an evil spirit that
rapes women in their sleep.
"We apologize," said Dave Fogelson, director of public relations with
Reebok. "Certainly it is very inappropriate."
He said the company found out about the embarassing name after running
an advertisement for it in an Arizona newspaper.
Fogelson said Reebok must find 1,500 new names for products each year
and did not properly research the meaning of incubus when it found the
name was not trade-marked.
"Obviously it became very apparent to us yesterday why nobody else was
using the name," he said.
The Webster's dictionary defines incubus as "an evil spirit ... that
has sexual intercourse with women while they are sleeping." Incubus
is also described as a "nightmare" or "one that oppresses or burdens
like a nightmare."
Fogelson said the name does not appear on the shoes, which have a
suggested retail price of $57.99. But the company will take steps to
remove the name from its boxes for the shoes.
"What people have to understand is this was an honest mistake," he
said.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1997 18:09:33 -0800
From: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
Subject: WhiteBoard News
To: Joseph Harper <joeha@MICROSOFT.com>
From WhiteBoard News for Friday, February 21, 1997
Washington, District of Columbia:
U.S. Vice-President Al Gore revealed on Friday that for
purely technical reasons he was president of the United
States last month, adding jocularly that his brief term
was marked by peace in the country and the world.
At the swearing-in ceremony here for Transport
Secretary Rodney Slater, Gore explained that he took
the oath of office on January 20 at 11:59 a.m., one
minute before his and President Bill Clinton's mandates
expired.
Another five minutes passed before Clinton took his
oath in the ceremony on the steps of Congress.
"Some of the lawyers did say that for five minutes I
was president of the United States of America," Gore
said.
"It was an important time for me, for my family and, if
I may be so bold, for America.
"History will record that the Gore administration had
the fewest crimes committed of any administration in
history, Republican or Democratic," he said.
"There was peace at home and abroad. We had a low
inflation, a booming economy. We created 3.1 jobs," he
said.
"You could hear patriotic hymns from the steps of the
Capitol through the whole administration," Gore concluded.
------------------------------
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
To: Fun_People@langston.com
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 97 18:59:03 -0800
Subject: A Cultural Difference Primer
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: Robert_Clayton@ed.gov
Forwarded-by: Pete Kraemer
Forwarded-by: Bruce Guthrie@nmaa.org
Cultural Differences Explained
==============================
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the
anthem.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,
and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they play them in.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in
an attempt to get laid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backwards country.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------