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Yucks Digest V6 #13 (mixed length)
Yucks Digest Sat, 7 Sep 96 Volume 6 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
... tell them you have other plans
.sig of the day...
1830 was a rough year.
21 Books Stan Geisel never wrote...
Ah, those French
AOL to the tune of "American Pie"
Berkeley in the forefront of Computer Vision research
Class assignment
Eat more brains.
Homer's Beer Song
Indeed, the earth rotates *faster* by day than by it does by night.
I was possessed by the spirit of kleiner perkins
JOTD (3 msgs)
Justifying general protection faults.
Laugh Of The Day - Tue, Mar 26 1996
Missed it by THAT much...
Movie QOTD
On the whole, I'd rather be in Pittsburgh.
Password changing guidelines.
Penis for President
Purloined from the community-music mailing list.
QOTD
sig offering
Strange Days, indeed.
The Football Hero
The Funny Red Planet
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
This old mainframe...
Trombonist Kills Musician (I hate when that happens!)
What you did not know about Windows 95
WhiteBoardness - 3/13/96
WhiteBoardness - 3/27/96 - C.O.L. Index
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Mar 1996 08:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... tell them you have other plans
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
http://fantasia.eng.clemson.edu/~dcrane/funny3.html
How To Handle Stress
- Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
- Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
- Pop some popcorn without the lid on.
- When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
- During your next meeting sneeze, and then loudly suck the phlegm
back down your throat.
- Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
- Make a list of the things you have already done.
- Dance naked in front of your pets.
- Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school
as if nothing is wrong.
- Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the Natives.
- Go shopping, buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
- Drive to work in reverse
- Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
- Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
- Bill your Doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
- Get a box of condoms, wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the
cashier where the fitting rooms are.
Snipped from Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 1996 15:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: .sig of the day...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@UX2.SP.CS.CMU.EDU>
Matthew B. Wood mbwood@netcom.com
"Hello, Hello Kitty", said Tuxedo Sam.
A voice answered back, louder than a thousand rock concerts, with words
which seemed to stretch from pole to pole, from the lowest hell to the
highest heaven: "I AM HELLO KITTY, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"
[I'm not sure what it means, but it sorta fits. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 1996 14:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: 1830 was a rough year.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
From: CSH Little <70412.2641@compuserve.com>
Year Gallons of
alcohol consumed.
--------------------------------
1790 5.8 gallons
1830 7.1 gallons
1840 3.1 gallons
1869 2.1 gallons
1890 2.1 gallons
1900 2.1 gallons
1920 0.9 gallons
1940 1.56 gallons
1980 2.76 gallons
Average consumption in equivalent gallons of ethanol per adult charted
across the last 3 centuries, in the U.S., as reported in Scientific
American, April 1996.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 Mar 96 23:15:17 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: 21 Books Stan Geisel never wrote...
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "R. Dunbar Poor" <r@pia.media.mit.edu>
Forwarded-by: Marion Wieting <Marion_Wieting@2nature.org>
<previous forwards lost>
DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Are You My Proctologist?
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13. The Bitch Set Me Up
14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15. Yentl the Lentil
16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17. Aunts in My Pants
18. Hop On Mom
19. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21. The Grinch's Ten Inches
[So far, I have been able to find these in any local bookstore. Too
bad, as I'm sure my daughter would like some of them. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 96 20:46:33 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Ah, those French
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: SCruzin@aol.com
Heard at a French dinner party at the time of General de Gaulle's retirement,
as quoted in Robert Morley's "Book of Bricks"
Dorothy Macmillan: What are you looking forward to now?
Madame de Gaulle: A penis.
(shocked silence)
General de Gaulle: My dear, I think the English don't pronounce the word
quite like that. It's not "a penis" but "appiness".
[Some times, they're the same, General. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thursday, August 15, 1996 11:55AM
From: PhilipWolf
Subject: AOL to the tune of "American Pie"
To: Phcswrght
[To the tune of "American Pie"]
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside The day
the service
died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly
report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay And half their users went=
away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *
But while Steve Case was looking down The hackers pulled his e-mail
down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading
alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night CompuServe read their last
rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old
geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they
die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 12:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Berkeley in the forefront of Computer Vision research
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Finding Naked People,
D.A. Forsyth, C.K. Yang and K. B. Teo
http://HTTP.CS.Berkeley.EDU/~daf/o8.ps
Proc. 4'th European Conf on Computer Vision, 1996
M.M. Fleck, D.A. Forsyth, C. Bregler
D.A. Forsyth
Professor
Office: 723 Soda Hall
Phone: (510) 642-9582
Email: daf@robotics.eecs.berkeley.edu
http://HTTP.CS.Berkeley.EDU/~daf/
... let's hope that the paper lives up to the title.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 96 18:35:08 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Class assignment
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: joev@halcyon.com
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Pliske" <chuckp@u.washington.edu>
The teacher is giving the class a weekend writing assignment, in the process
stressing the importance of this particular assignment, and indicating that
no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or
a death in the immediate family (with a note from that family member).
As the teacher finishes this tirade, one smart-ass student in the back pipes
up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up in
smirks and titters, but when they settle down again the teacher replies:
"Well, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Eat more brains.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Kevin J. Dunlap" <kevindu@attachmate.com>
>From http://www.sis.org/docs/wallofun.html
Disturbing product of the month:
Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October 1995,
for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra special
bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S. recommended
daily allowance for cholesterol.
Yes, that's no typo - 1,170 percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch
label with a fruit cocktail cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company
defense: "People love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for
Phoenix-based Dial Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't discover
the breadth of that love, because she refused to release sales figures.
A brain-eater herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed
aside concerns about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're
going to eat brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good
point.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 1996 11:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Homer's Beer Song
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
DO RE MI DRINK
DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer
ME...... the one who drinks the beer
FAR..... a long run to get beer
SO...... I'll have another beer
LA...... I'll have another beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer
And that will bring us back to DOUGH...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 17:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Indeed, the earth rotates *faster* by day than by it does by night.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: pp@pfawww.pp.se (Per Persson)
Forwarded-by: Dirk Laurie <dirk@calvyn.puk.ac.za>
From: Ian Patrick Ring <IPRING@ARTSU2.Watstar.UWaterloo.CA>
Subject: Re: Sunrise/sunset calculations?
The sunrise/sunset times also depend on the latitude of the viewer. As
you know, the sun may stay airborne for weeks during the summer in the
Arctic. This is of course due to the low air pressure up there.
One of the most common misconceptions about sunrise/sunset times is that
the earth is rotating at night at the same rate as it does during the day.
Indeed, the earth rotates *faster* by day than by it does by night, when
the sun accelerates inversely proportional to the earth's decceleration.
This effect is analagous to a man riding a bicyle while swinging a ball
on a string about his head. From the man's perspective, the bicycle moves
at a constant speed, but from the perspective of the ball, the speed of
the bicycle is irregular. Because of this phenomenon, a true calculation
of sunrise is impossible, though an approximation can be achieved by
measuring the angular distance between the sun and the horizon at noon,
multiplying it by the local latitude, taking the square root, then adding
the number of days that have passed since the last equinox. Divide this
number by 60, and this is the number of minutes after noon the sunset will
occur. Reverse the process to find the sunrise time.
Another neat trick is to watch the behaviour of dung beetles (if you don't
have dung beetles in your home, they can be found outside), as their sense
of astral time is exceptional, and they can be seen to become more active
about an hour before sunrise, and an hour after sunset, in a flurry of
dancing and frolicing.
I hope this helps,
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 1996 11:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: I was possessed by the spirit of kleiner perkins
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: sandra (Sandra Farkas)
How to Form Your Very Own Silicon Valley Startup
-- By Laura Lemay
Step 1: Go to Menlo Park. Find a tree.
Step 2: Shake the tree. A venture capitalist will fall out.
Step 3: Before the venture capitalist regains its wits, recite the
following incantation: "Internet! Electronic Commerce!
Distributed Enterprise-Enabled Applications! Java!"
Step 4: The venture capitalist will give you four million dollars.
Step 5: In 18 months, go public.
Step 6: After you recieve your check, go back to Menlo Park. Find a tree.
Step 7: Climb it. Wait.
(Laura authored "How To Teach Yourself Web Publishing with HTML in a Week"
and "More...")
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 1996 11:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Pass the remote: It's sad to think that the president is preparing for
the last campaign of his career, says Argus Hamilton. "After 2000, Bill
Clinton may have nothing to do for 50 years but sit home and watch all
that G-rated TV he's calling for. God never misses a trick"
The US Department of Education is spending tax dollars to close-caption
several TV shows, including "Baywatch."" "There's dialogue?" (Gary Easley)
"Now, when Pamela Lee runs on the beach, the words 'jiggle and bounce' will
appear on the screen." (Premiere Morning Sickness)
Tennessee is considering legislation that would punish any teacher who
teaches evolution as fact:
"Clearly is isn't, because the Tennessee Legislature hasn't evolved a bit
in 50 years." (Steve Tatham)
"They must think the Scopes trial was a test of leading mouthwashes."
(Cutler Daily Scoop)
A Florida legislator who claims to be a family-values kind of guy was
arrested for having sex with a prostitute in his car. Says Paul
Steinberg, "In his defense, the car was one of those station wagons with
wood paneling on the sides."
Ring around the palace: Prince Charles wants a gag order on Princess Di
so she'll stop yakking to the press about their impending divorce: "Di
says as long as the gags are made by Armani, she'll wear them."
(Premiere)
"What kind of idiot puts a gag order on a woman with bulimia?" (Hamilton)
The princess wants them to appear together on public TV to explain their
marital rift. "What's to explain?" asks Jay Leno. "I think most people
realize it's hard to make a marriage work when both parties are dating
other people."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 8 Mar 1996 16:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software )
Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in
the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while
walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career
as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand
new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage.
And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock
portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they
have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered that he's a homosexual. But, on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three
boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile
of stock certificates.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Mar 1996 17:17:08 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Larry Hunter <hunter@nlm.nih.gov>
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked
lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Justifying general protection faults.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
From: Chris.Thompson@entex.com
A compiler literally compiles a list of machine code instructions,
the object code, based on the source code. The resulting object code
is a ready-to-run program that is very fast, but which may crash the
computer.
-- "Programming Language," Microsoft Encarta 96 Encyclopedia.
I guess they believe that if they get the public to believe that it's
impossible to write bug-free software, then their software is made to
look more plausable.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 26 Mar 96 13:35:46 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Tue, Mar 26 1996
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <JoeShmoe@Misty.com>
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I rent my own apartment and it's full of e-lectronic junk
I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III
I'm very well aquainted too with matters pornographical
I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF
I'm totally an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery
and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me
I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!"
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck
I've hung around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at,
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat,
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue
When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland
My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.
(With apologies to G&S)
[The pity is more that most Cyberpunks won't get the humor in this,
because they have no idea what it is based on. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 1996 11:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Missed it by THAT much...
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Jim Thompson" <jim@SmallWorks.COM>
Forwarded-by: Zachary DeAquila <zachary@zachs.place.org>
When George Burns turned 80, Kirt MacBride and Peter Anderson
of the Sacramento Union drove to Harrah's Tahoe to interview
the comic. When asked when he thought he might cash in his
final chips he grinned and said, "I want to live long enough to
see who gets Brooke Shields." Last Thursday, Shields and Andre
Agassi announced their engagement. Burns died Saturday... (Herb
Caen's column in the SF Chronicle)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 1996 11:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Movie QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
Woman 1: "How do I look?"
Woman 2: "Even the small percentage of male hormones in my body tingle
just to be near you."
-- Slaughterhouse Rock
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: On the whole, I'd rather be in Pittsburgh.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <70412.2641@compuserve.com>
He was disappointed with death... He thought everything was magic and
that it should never happen. [and then] the line got cut off.
-- Gypsy psyhic Miss Ann, whose crystal ball was surrounded by a
dozen Campbell's soup cans in a recent seance attempt to reach
pop artist Andy Warhol using a disconnected phone. She was also
able to determine that Mr. Warhol's area code in the afterlife
is 412 [Pittsburgh]. As reported in the Wall Street Journal
March 4, 1996, B section.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 13:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Password changing guidelines.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendy.Nather@gb.swissbank.com
Author: ashtonp (ashtonp@gb.swissbank.com) at unix/o2=mime
Password changing guidelines V2.2b
Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been
issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them
closely.
Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.
1. Minimum length 8 characters
2. Not in any dictionary.
3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
5. No characters typeable on a type 5 keyboard
6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on
Usenet news, /dev/mem, rand(3), or the King James Bible
(version 0.1alpha).
7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically
change if observed.
8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences
00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
11. Colour passwords must use a minimum 32 bit pallette.
12. Be changed prior to every use.
13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
15. Incontravertible by OJ Simpsons lawyers.
16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0 way hash function.
17. Odourless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless,
lacking form and inert.
18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
19. Self-escrowable to enable authorities to capture kiddie-porn
people and baddies but not the goodies ("but we'll only decode
it with a court order, honest").
20. Not decryptable by exhaustive application of possible one time
pads.
Due to the severity of the restrictions, if the password is entered
incorrectly 3 times at login time, you will be asked if you would
like to pick a new one.
Please add a few guidelines to the above and adjust the minimum
conformation to at least 1 more than the total.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 1996 11:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Penis for President
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Robert Tarrall <tarrall@solarz.Colorado.EDU>
Forwarded-by: K Wade Turner <a-wadet@MICROSOFT.com>
Forwarded-by: Joseph K. Huffman
Tehran (Reuter) - For the past few weeks, the behind the doors
discussion at many Iranian newspaper and magazine publishing outfits
seems to be revolving not around political, social and economic issues,
but the spelling of Bob Dole's name instead. It turns out that the
proper spelling of the Republican Party's likely nominee, Dole, is
exactly the same as that of the word penis in Persian. In Persian some
vowel symbols are often omitted, resulting in the ambiguity. "At first
it might seem funny to some people, but it's creating a serious issue
for us. How can we write headlines using that word?,'' said Majid Fanni,
a prepress specialist at a Tehran service bureau.
Professor Hassan Khadem, a Persian literature lecturer at New York
University added "It's actually not a real problem. They could write
his name a couple of different ways to avoid the ambiguity. But for an
exact pronunciation, well, they'd have to spell it that way.'' Fanni
explained "It's not easy. In print, especially for headlines, we don't
use vowel symbols. Because of that, it can be read in that way.''
International organizations are quite familiar and cognizant of
these types of issues. General Motors for example, spends over 300,000
dollars a year just researching car names to make sure they are not trade
marked, as well as being acceptable in foreign countries.
Ali Zarkoob, a grade school teacher in Western Tehran said "I'm sure
kids will find it very funny. The humor magazines will probably go crazy
over it too.'' A columnist for Tehran's Hamshahri daily who requested
to remain anonymous stated "It's a real problem that no one wants to
face. Think about it. What should we write if he wins? 'Clinton loses
Presidency'? That's not right. 'Penis wins US Presidency' isn't exactly
acceptable either.''
[Hmm, maybe it should simply be written as "appiness"? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 1995 08:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Purloined from the community-music mailing list.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sklower <sklower@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: PiccPete@aol.com
Forwarded-by: LAWMS@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (andy)
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members
in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Happy Holidays!
[Yes, this isn't the holidays, but I decided not to save this until
December. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 1996 10:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming;
soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind
of thing doesn't have to stop there.
-- Dana Gould
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 1996 12:44:49 -0600 (CST)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: sig offering
To: spaf (Gene Spafford), sl11@prism.gatech.edu (Sue Liebeskind), paul@sware.com (The Thoob)
A comment of mine on a mailing list has started
popping up in a few .sigs, so maybe it's
better than I realized. Just in case, here
its is:
| "Emacs is for people who desperately want to
| get drunk, but feel guilty doing so without
| a reason."
| --Miles O'Neal
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 1996 19:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: Strange Days, indeed.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Golan Klinger <falco@vex.net>
From: nstn2366@fox.nstn.ca (Brown)
Newsgroups: ont.forsale
Subject: SMURFS WANTED I will Buy your Smurfs
Date: 18 Mar 1996 04:51:03 GMT
Smurfs Wanted
Send list stateing Type,Condition,Price Wanted
[A sign we are in the End Time? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 1996 19:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Football Hero
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: knute@quake.net (Knute Ream)
So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96. The
only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a
ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He
threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good
110 yards away... ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour...
bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect
arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game
of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records
for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI,
and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is
to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the
SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand mother," the young man pleads, "I just
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of
thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores, "at this very moment,
there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life
last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "I'll never forgive you for moving us
to Oakland!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 1996 00:23:56 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: The Funny Red Planet
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: JWBank@aol.com
To: rmct@rru.com
Got this today from a rocket scientist at Martin Marietta (not Michael). It
is like my dad always said, there is probably life on Mars, but only on
Saturday night.
Dances With Phobos
*******
Let me tell you all a story 'bout a blob named Jed,
a poor martian critter, barely kept his family fed,
and then one day he was wigglin' toward some food
when some of the ground came a litle unscrewed.
Impact events, they say;
bounced a piece of it on outta there,
just like a billiard ball.
Well the next thing ya know old Jed is on the move.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, what you tryin' to prove?"
They said "Antarctica's the place ya oughta go,"
so he loaded up the rock and he headed for the snow.
It was a nice rock, too.
Igneous orthopyroxenite.
Got pretty good mileage.
So eventually the earthlings, they took apart the rock,
and ran it through the TEMs and made the darn things talk,
And that's how we know about a critter named Jed,
and we're mighty glad to meet him, even if he's dead.
Come on in, show us your slides. boys.
Publish.
Y'all get tenure now, y'hear?
Song for a Martian Rock (c) Elise Matthesen 10:30 PM CDT 7-AUG-96
Permission to repost and email hereby granted; republication in any
other form or for fee prohibited without express written permission
of author. Thank you.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 1996 09:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>
Subject: The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: mmihelich@kpmg.com
Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4. A few beers short of a six-pack.
5. Dumber than a box of hair.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10. One taco short of a combination plate.
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12. All foam, no beer.
13. The cheese slid off his cracker.
14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
20. As smart as bait.
21. Chimney's clogged.
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Mar 96 21:10:13 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: This old mainframe...
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Pat Parseghian <pep@research.att.com>
Forwarded-by: Marc Staveley
orig. src unknown....
"Proposed shows for a new cable channel targeting information systems
professionals."
This Old Mainframe - Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how
you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstep or other
decorative object.
Name That Software - Contestants attempt to identify well-known
business programs by looking at the least number of lines of code.
My Three Suns - Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three UNIX
based work-stations in a suburban neighborhood.
Wang Can Cook - Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an
incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio
guests grudingly pay ever higher prices for his creations.
Leave it to Spindler - The Spindler tries to earn money by selling
apples but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for
them; tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June and the Board of
Directors sigh.
WordPerfect Strangers - Larry decides that using groupware would be a
good way to meet women, but Balki's laser printer explodes ruining
any chances of connectivity.
Mayberry CPU - Andy discovers that his digital clock has more
intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bee debugs Floyd's electronic cash
register.
The Honeymooners - Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D
word processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed makes
millions creating "Norton's Utilities".
Mr. Rom's Neigborhood - Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading
selections from various IBM documentation.
Says Me Street - Muppet like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and
Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the
information highway. Large character known as Big BlueBird is a
favorite of the kids although no one really knows why.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Mar 96 22:46:12 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Trombonist Kills Musician (I hate when that happens!)
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: LISSY@AppleLink.Apple.COM (Abraham, Lisanne)
** MAN SLIDES HIS TROMBONE & KILLS MUSICIAN IN FRONT OF HIM! **
By Randy Jeffries/Weekly World News (January 23, 1996)
Bocholt, Germany -- A band musician died of a brain injury when the
trombonist behind him jerked the slide of his trombone forward and struck
the trumpeter in the back of the head!
Police say the tragedy occurred as the Gratzfeld College band was rehearsing
the spirited American jazz classic, _When the Saints Go Marching In_.
According to other band members, trombonist Peter Niemeyer, 19, "got carried
away" with the music. He started gyrating and thrashing around as he played.
At one point, he jerked forward and the rounded metal slide on his instrument
hit trumpet player Dolph Mohr, 20, dropping him instantly to the floor.
"Niemeyer was pumping the slide very hard," said medical examiner Dr. Max
Krause. "But it wasn't just the force of the blow that killed Mohr. The
slide struck him in the worst possible place -- the vulnerable spot just
behind and below the left ear. Bone fragments pierced his brain, killing
him instantly."
The incident has provoked a storm of controversy over whether or not
American jazz should be played in German colleges.
"I believe the music is to blame," said Gratzfeld band director Heinrich
Sommer. "I was pressured to play that selection by school administrators.
But I've always said jazz is dangerous music. Our musicians can't control
themselves when they play it. They move and rock back and forth, creating
chaos. If I had my way, American Dixieland would be outlawed in Germany.
I've been directing bands for 30 years and I've never heard of anyone dying
while playing a German march."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 19 Mar 96 19:30:07 EST
From: fa@dat.dtu.dk
Subject: What you did not know about Windows 95
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, payed me a visit.
As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed
Windows 95 on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating
system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. Too my surprise he threw
it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got
very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:
'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD
out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my
surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier
than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner
edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer
than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone
piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode,
but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter
here. But in common English this is what it says:'
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 14 Mar 96 15:31:02 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: WhiteBoardness - 3/13/96
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Excerpted-from: WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, March 13, 1996
"Boy, did I have a scare last night. The doorbell rings, I open it and see
a bunch of kids standing there, wearing gang colors. They start demanding
money. I tell ya, those Girl Scouts are unbelievable."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 96 03:00:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: WhiteBoardness - 3/27/96 - C.O.L. Index
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Excerpted-from: WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, March 27, 1996
Los Angeles, California:
Looks like it's cost more this year for a few laughs, according to
California attorney Malcolm Kushner, who compiles the annual Cost of
Laughing Index.
The index tracks the prices of everything from Groucho Marx glasses to pink
gorilla telegrams; it went up 3 percent the past year, boosted by a 38
percent increase in the newsstand price of Mad Magazine, a 3 percent
increase in the minimum writing fee for a television sitcom and a 10 percent
increase in the price of rubber chickens ($6 a dozen.)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------