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Yucks Digest V6 #13 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 3 Aug 96 Volume 6 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
... but it still speaks terrible english.
... but then again, just how BIG a problem is it, after all?
.SOTD - Therapy?
ADVERTISEMENT: America Offline
Amusing .sig
An uncommon fascination with trees.
Big Blue Threw the match?
Celtic Joke O' The Day
Christian Nudists Not Ashamed
Customer Service Desk Follies
Distinctly Canadian
Do your part.
F-16 Bumper Stickers
HELP ME
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
If the cap fits.....
Information about the JAWA language
JOTD
More Letters Of Recommendations For (Ex) Employees
Not-So Common C Declarations
Old Mexico, New Mexico, doesn't matter.
Prodigy Lawsuit
QOTD
QOTD - Success, 2/22/96
Quote of the day (4 msgs)
Reasoning
senior citizen humor - the proper use of thank-you notes
Shot down!
So, just what are they implying?
Sometimes dead people won't eat their yogurt.
Somewhat updated `Prayer for Serenity'
Sportswear, Generalization, and the Gynecologist
There are bugs in the wetware...
The Scientist and the Poet
The World's Easiest Questions
They'd look perfect flanking my Mr. Spock plate.
Unix help needed!
World Record Plane Crash
You can't be doing that!
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat Aug 3 15:51:08 EST 1996
From: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Chief Yuckster)
Subject: Administrivia
The Yucks Digest will go on a short hiatus until late August.
That should give you some time to get caught up reading the issues!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 17:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... but it still speaks terrible english.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Jordan K. Hubbard" <jkh@time.cdrom.com>
> Jon Loelinger writes:
>
>>So, like Ravis Tasakorn was saying to me just the other day:
>> Dear Users
>>
>> I'd like to know if any of you have URL of cool sites where I can
>> download virus killer shareware programs.
>>
>> It may be some of these virtual creatures living in my harddisk,Ah! :(
>>
>
> Yes, and they sound somewhat intelligent too. Odd...
Only just.. I did think to subject Ravis to a Turing test in a short
round of private email, and he failed it, so I'd say this is simply
another manifestation of the MAILBOMBER virus they've been talking about
over on AOL.
Yep, MAILBOMBER is one of the more insidious little virii to come out of
Eastern Europe. It apparently forges mail from a randomly constructed
alias and posts it to a randomly selected mailing list (ours,
unfortunately, appearing to be one of compiled-in choices). The topic of
the message is, of course, viruses and whether you have any information
on them. It then scans the replies it gets to see if the keyword
MAILBOMBER appears anywhere, thus cleverly measuring its own levels of
notoriety and taking various protective measures when certain thresholds
are exceeded.
Fortunately, numerous bugs in its natural language output algorithm make
it rather easy to catch. It seems that the author wasn't a native speaker
of english, and he coded certain linguistic misunderstandings on his part
directly into the virus.
In short, it may be a highly sophisticated piece of work, but it still
speaks terrible english.
Hopefully my mention of it 3 times in this message should trigger its
response mechanism into fleeing this particular mailing list.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 18:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... but then again, just how BIG a problem is it, after all?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: UDSD007@DSIBM.OKLADOT.STATE.OK.US (Mike.Andrews )
Forwarded-by: someone@ea.ucla.edu (Someone)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I once read a column about a guy whose cat brought him so many live mice
that he was about to lose his mind. So he writes to our pet columnist
guy and says, "Hey, I'm losing my mind here. What's with all these live
mice?"
The pet columnist tells him, "Sorry, Charlie, she thinks that you are a
pretty dense kitten. She's trying to teach you to survive. If you want
her to stop, you'll have to pick up the mouse IN YOUR MOUTH to prove
you've got her message." Haha, say most of us, what kind of a dink would
do that, haha.
Time passes.
Then the guy writes back in. He's done it. He's gotten down on his
kitchen floor, batted the poor little mouse with his hands and picked it
up IN HIS MOUTH (ack! phleck!), and shaken it about to prove he gets it.
His cat, he reported, went berzerk. She purred, she headbutted, she
kneaded him, she praised him in no uncertain terms. She was so THRILLED
with her slow boy. She then pranced away. And never brought him another
live critter again.
I guess it _might_ be a solution...but then again, just how BIG a problem
is it, after all?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 96 15:18:52 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: .SOTD - Therapy?
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
I have no use for therapy; the voices in my head are all I need.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 96 16:31:13 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: ADVERTISEMENT: America Offline
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
From: tompar@world.std.com (Tom Parmenter)
Subject: Re: ADVERTISEMENT: America Offline
I got offline by the simple expedient of installing Windows 95. I may
get back on someday.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 14:09:20 -0600
From: wpwood@austin.ibm.com
Subject: Amusing .sig
To: yucks
I found this sig from someone's whose new software seems to be misconfigured.
His e-mail address is listed as "sharedid@who.ami (stupid system)", with a sig
of:
Behold the happy moron.
He doesn't give damn.
I wish I were a moron.
My God! Perhaps I am!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 12:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: An uncommon fascination with trees.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@lonewolf.com>
Here's a wonderful set of host names for you...
% dig @ns.digex.net axfr yew.com
...
for.yew.COM. 21600 CNAME yew.com.
rockin.yew.COM. 21600 CNAME skroo.yew.com.
pee.yew.COM. 21600 A 206.181.78.196
skroo.yew.COM. 21600 A 206.181.78.195
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 96 16:20:55 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Big Blue Threw the match?
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Robert D. Poor" <r@pia.media.mit.edu>
From: mthayer@ix.netcom.com(Michael Thayer )
Newsgroups: rec.games.chess.misc
Subject: Flash!! Deep Blue threw the match!!
Insiders are telling this reporter that Deep Blue may have thrown the
match with Kasparov to avoid having to travel and/or appear on the
Tonight Show. Friends say that Blue (Americans tend to forget that the
family name is Deep - his father Deep Thought named him after his
Godfather Big Blue because the Big family have been VERY generous to
the Deep family for years.) was afraid of the effects of winning the
match.
Blue leads a sedentary lifestyle: his two favorite hobbys are gardening
and chess. Friends say his greatest relaxation is pruning trees in the
family orchard, and that Blue was afraid that with all the publicity
coming his way after winning only one game, that he would be innudated
with requests if he won the match. He does NOT want to go on TV, and
feels that his lifestyle would be ruined by all the media attention.
Most of this information has been confirmed by Blue's uncle Throat, who
has been an Big person in Washington for many years.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Celtic Joke O' The Day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jfcravo@ipd.wellsfargo.com (Joe Cravotto)
Forwarded-by: Saori Fujitani <sfujita>
Forwarded-by: mrentity@teleport.com (Dennis White)
Q. What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A. A Rolling Stone says "Hey you! Get off of my cloud!", and a
Scotsman says Hey McLeod! Get off of my ewe!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Feb 96 17:06:48 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Christian Nudists Not Ashamed
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Lani Herrmann <lanih@info.sims.berkeley.edu>
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)
Forwarded-by: Lisa Ratmansky
Forwarded-by: Kristine Lynn Rabberman
OCEAN ISLE BEACH, N.C. (AP) -- Living up to the Genesis verse
``naked and not ashamed,'' Christian nudists are planning a weekend
retreat of hot-tubbing, karaoke and reading Bibles in the buff.
``We believe you can be a nudist and religious, too,'' said
Jerry Love, a Methodist who has already booked 60 reservations from
around the country for the getaway at his Whispering Pines family
nudist resort.
His wife, Carol, a Baptist, added: ``Christians can help to make
nudism wholesome, family-oriented fun.''
Christian nudists say their practice is rooted in biblical
teaching. They note that Adam and Eve put on fig leaves only after
they ate the forbidden fruit.
The Loves, who plan to make the gathering and annual event, say
the conference will give Christian nudists a safe place to share
their faith.
Two Baptist ministers, whom the Loves refused to name, will lead
seminars on how Christians can be positive influences in the nudist
movement.
Clothing is optional for all events, except the pool and hot
tub, which are nude-only areas. Children are allowed to wear
clothes at all times.
``We're not going to allow any open sex, drugs or parties,''
Love said. ``We're a very conservative group of Christians who just
don't like to wear clothes.''
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 16:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Customer Service Desk Follies
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mk@TFS.COM (Mike King)
[Written by the manager of the Customer Service department of an
online service, who wishes to remain, unsurprisingly, anonymous.]
I've seem some really weird, unusual, darn right impossible names come
through. And if weren't a major security violation and a risk to my job,
I'd tell you about them. I've also talked to some really strange members
too. One told me that they were having trouble downloading a file because
their aura was too powerful and it often made electronic devices
malfunction when they were around. Another informed me that he was as
normal as "anyone born on your planet." Another claimed that Martians
had kidnapped his computer and he wanted the service to help him get it
back (turned out his Mom took his computer away).
I've been threatened with excommunication because there are files
containing pictures of naked people. I've had a couple of members tell
me that we violated the U.S. Constitution by charging people to use the
chat service, because the Constitution guarantees their right to freedom
of speech. One person called once claiming to be calling from Venus and
wanted a Supervisor to call them back. The Rep who took that call
informed the Member that it was against company policy at this time to
make outbound planetary calls. I've even had an email exchange with
someone claiming to be the reincarnation of Christ (he also hinted at an
unfavorable judgement for me when it came "my time" if I didn't give him
what he wanted, which I couldn't and didn't). One of my most difficult
calls ever was a Frenchman who had learned the little English he knew
somewhere down South (just try to imagine a Southern/French accent/drawl).
It took close to 15 minutes just to figure out he was trying to get a
local access number.
[Hmm, do people on your planet find this amusing? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 1996 16:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Distinctly Canadian
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Steve Fraser" <stevef@healthcare.com>
Forwarded-by: jar@colossus.Storz.Com (Alan Ritter)
Forwarded-by: ART@vets.vetmed.missouri.edu (Arthur B. Smith)
For several years now in Canada we have had an one dollar coin with a
picture of the Queen on one side and a loon on the other. This coin has
been nicknamed the "loonie".
The Royal Canadian Mint has just issued a Canadian coin to replace our
distinctive two dollar bills. It also has the picture of the Queen on
one side and a polar bear this time on the other side. There has been
great speculation as to what nickname would be suitable... twooney,
doublooney, etc. have all been suggested. But the funniest one that I
have heard so far is the "moonie"... cuz there is a Queen on one side
with a bear behind :)
Some Canadian humour :)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 10:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Do your part.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Greg Rose <Greg_Rose@sydney.sterling.com>
/dev/null wrote:
What's special about this one is its two flush levels -- one that uses
1.1 gallons per flush and another that uses 1.6 gallons. A single-family
household using the Eco-Lite can save up to 22,700 gallons of water and
$58 a year, according to Kohler Company, the mastermind behind the toilet.
Wow! 1.6-1.1 is 0.5, that is, you save a half gallon by using the
half-flush instead of the full flush. (I call it half flush 'cos the
symbol on the button shows half-a-something.)
22,700 Gallons? That's 45,400 flushes. Per year.
That's 124 flushes a day. (Actually more, since the smelly ones need the
full flush, usually -- I should know, us Aussies have had these for years.
Toilets with two buttons, that is.)
Now your average nuclear family has 2.3 kids and 2 adults, so that's about
29 p/p/d (Pees per Person per Day).
Excuse me, I just have to go get the average up...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 96 16:52:35 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: F-16 Bumper Stickers
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[This came out about the time there were several F-16 crashes in close
time proximity to each tother. --spaf]
Forwarded-by: LiveTrads@aol.com
Forwarded-by: mdrapkin@lehman.com (Michael L Drapkin)
Forwarded-by: Buck Reese <breese@huachuca-emh8.army.mil>
Forwarded-by: Koons, Garry, ASSD
Forwarded by one of our F-16 brethren:
"Lean, Mean, Flameout Machine."
"I SHALL RETURN...Well, I might."
"Mach Nix."
"The F-16. Takes a licking, and takes a licking."
"Have you hugged your chute today?"
"This Vehicle Makes Frequent Stops."
"I came. I saw. I bingo'd."
"No deposit, no return."
"We've spent so much money on this thing that we can't afford to admit we
were wrong."
"A triumph of style over substance."
"The best damn second place fighter in the world."
"Instead of a CAS mod, we're going to install a roll bar."
"And now with this LANTIRN thing and our new Block 40's, we can hit the
ground at NIGHT!"
"We cover the target like a thong bikini."
"And BINGO is my Name-O."
"We crash more airplanes before 9-o'clock than most people crash all day."
"Your courtesy appreciated. Please replace your divots."
"A war record exceeding even the B-1."
"Last in the talent show, but first in the swimsuit competition."
"Lose a few, lose a few."
"Feet and knees together, eyes on the horizon..."
"Designated no-hitter."
"Everything you wanted in a fighter and less."
"Optimist: F-16 pilot who's worried about dying from cancer."
"Only Michael Jackson is more manly."
"Hey, today we didn't lose a single jet."
"This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."
"user friendly...if you've got three hands."
"If we have a war with BDUs, we've got 'em beat."
"Careful badguys...I'm carrying BOTH bombs today. I'm talkin' wall-to-wall
MK-82's Pal."
If I carried more weapons, and if
I had enough gas, and if
I could actually hit the target, and if
I had some more REALLY expensive electrons so I could find you, and if
My motor didn't quit, and if
My wings didn't crack,
Boy, I'd really teach you a lesson!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 16:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: HELP ME
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "Jordan K. Hubbard" <jkh@time.cdrom.com>
To: i93mtb@infocib.ase.ro
cc: hackers@freebsd.org
Subject: Re: HELP ME
In-reply-to: Your message of "Tue, 27 Feb 1996 17:53:31 +0200."
<Pine.A32.3.90.960227174604.200622B-100000@infocib.ase.ro>
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 11:15:36 -0800
Message-ID: <13045.825448536@time.cdrom.com>
From: "Jordan K. Hubbard" <jkh@time.cdrom.com>
Oh, I just *live* for questions like this.
An obscure querant from Romania asks the wrong OS group the wrong
question using the wrong gender (something so capriciously destructive
as a Windows virus could only be female ;-).
Now the internet is provably, beyond any reasonable doubt, too full.
Some of you please log out!
Jordan
> infocib.ase.ro!i93mtb ("Musat T.Bogdan") Writes:
>
> What is the last virus for windows 95?
>
> What type is him ?
>
> Pleaze ,send the answer at : i93mtb@infocib.ase.ro
> My name is MUSAT BOGDAN .I am student at cibernetics in Bucharest.
>
> Thank you very much !
>
> Good by ! ( La revedere ! -in romanien )
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 2 Mar 96 17:54:43 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: SCruzin@aol.com
From: dhurley@videonics.com
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on
the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting
experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who
love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must
REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window
and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football
game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else
started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled
to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida
back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny
beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at
each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.
So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
"Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from
Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were
so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and
were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good
thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the
window,
gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: If the cap fits.....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Jim Thompson" <jim@SmallWorks.COM>
Forwarded-by: gevans@cpd.ntc.nokia.com
Euro-condoms take unity to new lengths
By Helen Cranford in Brussels
THE minimum size of the Euro-condom has been decided, it was announced in
Brussels yesterday. The minimum length is to be 6.63 inches (170mm) and
the width should be 44-56mm - and that's official. The decision follows
years of negotiations after Italy proposed a uniform width of 54mm but
its northern neighbours complained that this was too small.
Experts had determined that the maximum width for a condom should be 55mm.
"One millimetre either way can make all the difference," said a Commission
official at the time. "To be blunt, it is either too tight or it comes
off." In Britain the BSI standard had limited choice to either 48mm or
52mm. "The new rule allows a greater potential for a variety of
dimensions," said Suzanne Larque, of the European Committee for
Standardisation (CEN).
Most countries have national standards but with differing methods for
testing strength and stretch, said Stewart Sanson, of CEN, which drew up
the new regulation at the request of the European Commission. Although
the new standard is not legally binding on manufacturers, "we think
everyone will adopt it", Mr Sanson said. "What we wanted was a good, high
minimum standard at a reasonable price."
By harmonising safety parameters, European Standard EN 600 aims to
reconcile public confidence in condoms made in other countries with the
right of free trade in all European countries.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 96 15:29:28 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Information about the JAWA language
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
["I always had a bad feeling about JAWA; but JAWA Script, that's the language
that helped me make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs!" - Ham Solo]
Forwarded-by: Patrick Douglas Crispen <PCRISPE1@UA1VM.UA.EDU>
Sudhanshu Asthana <um4c@rzstud2.rz.uni-karlsruhe.de> wrote:
> Can some one tell me about JAWA in detail. What are the clarifications of
> using JAWA and what are the different advantages of Using this language.
Well. Jawa's are a race indiginous to the desert climates of Tatooine.
They seem to do a fair business in resale of used computer hardware. They
are short, however, and tend to dress like monks (Jesuits), but with yellow
(amber?) glowing eyes. They're language sounds mostly like jabber to me
(not to be confused with Jabba, the ex-Mob boss in that region).
The advantages of using that language can be broken down to several key
points:
1) You'll never have a problem getting a job in a Lucas film.
2) You'll likely be understood by your droid.
3) No one else will understand you.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 09:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Former prostitute Jessi Winchester is running for Congress from Nevada.
Says Dennis Miller, "Jessi, you realize that if you're elected you'll no
longer be a former prostitute?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 1996 10:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More Letters Of Recommendations For (Ex) Employees
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee,
here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left
unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer
of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Not-So Common C Declarations
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-By: Bill Bush <bill@bush.com>
Forwarded-By: jon@intrinsa.com (Jon Pincus)
Forwarded-By: Katie_McCormick@NeXT.COM (Katie McCormick)
Not-So Common C Declarations
auto accident;
register voters;
static electricity;
struct by_lightning;
void *where_prohibited;
char broiled;
short circuit;
short changed;
long johns;
unsigned long letter;
double entendre;
double trouble;
union organizer;
float valve;
short pants;
union station;
void check; unsigned check;
struct dumb by[sizeof member];
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 19:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Old Mexico, New Mexico, doesn't matter.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
Forwarded-by: Rick McGeer (mcgeer@cadence.com)
Heard on Morning Edition, 3/1/96:
Apparently this fellow calls the official Olympic ticket agency, seeking
tickets to the Olympic basketball tournament. The tickets are purchased,
and the caller asks the ticket agent to send the tickets to his home in
New Mexico. At that point, the following conversation ensued.
Ticket seller: Sir, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to sell tickets outside
the United States. You'll have to call your national Olympic Committee.
Caller: New Mexico is in the United States! It's been a state since 1912.
TS: Sir, Old Mexico, New Mexico, doesn't matter. We're not allowed to
sell tickets outside the US. You'll have to call your national Olympic
Committee down there.
After several unsuccesful attempts to talk the ticket seller out of her
unilateral expulsion of New Mexico from the Union, the caller persuaded
her to send the tickets to an address in Phoenix.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 17:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Prodigy Lawsuit
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mk@TFS.COM (Mike King)
From: Seidman's Online Insider, Vol. 3 No. 8, February 23, 1996
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP! UPI reported on Friday that a Connecticut woman
is suing Prodigy because she wound up HIV positive based on a relationship
with a Prodigy employee. Apparently, the woman was seduced via the
computer by the employee and cybersex led to real sex. The suit basically
alleges Prodigy is responsible because the "seduction" occurred while the
Prodigy employee was AT WORK and Prodigy should've known he was HIV
positive and prevented him from starting an affair with a customer. "The
person involved in this lured someone vulnerable into a sexual
relationship through the Prodigy service, on Prodigy time, with Prodigy
equipment," the woman's attorney told the UPI.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
You may recall that [the Buchanan ascendancy] began with Bob
Dole's response to President Clinton's State of the Union
address (a performance that ineluctably brought to mind the
words: 'Somewhere in Transylvania, there is an empty grave...')
Republicans began looking for 'Anybody But Dole.'
-- Molly Ivins
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 96 19:57:51 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: QOTD - Success, 2/22/96
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: George Osner <gosner@ainet.com>
"The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces."
>>>unknown, but thanks to Heather Gibson at Pitt for this one.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Feb 1996 05:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"Why yes, Bill. Clicking 'Start' to shut down makes perfect sense. Such
genius! Such vision!"
- Jonathan W. Hendry on the somewhat counter-intuitive Windows 95
shutdown procedure.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 10:59:43 -0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: spaf
"The net's a cross between an elephant and a white elephant sale - it
never forgets, and it's always crap."
- "Nemo", writing for Suck, on the nature of the Internet
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 05:50:02 -0700
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"The blues isn't about feeling better. . .it's about making other people
feel worse."
- Bleeding Gums Murphy, _The Simpsons_
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 1996 13:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Mine is a most peaceable disposition. My wishes are a humble cottage with
a thatched roof, but a good bed, good food, the freshest milk and butter,
flowers before my window, and a few fine trees before my door; and if God
wants to make my happiness complete, He will grant me the joy of seeing
some six or seven of my enemies hanging from those trees.
-- Heinrich Heine
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 96 20:40:19 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Reasoning
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Cochell, Jim" <jim_cochell@penmet.com>
Newt Gingrich is on an airplane, flying back to D.C. The guy sitting next
to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end
of the flight Newt asks.
Newt: "What book is that you're reading?"
Man: "It's called 'Deductive reasoning'"
Newt: "Sounds interesting, what's it about?"
Man: "Let me give you an example"
Newt: "Okay"
Man: "Do you have a dog?"
Newt: "Yes, I do as a matter of fact"
Man: "I would deduce from this then, that you have a yard as well, no?"
Newt: "Yes! I do have a yard"
Man: "Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard?"
Newt: "I do!"
Man: "Then I'll bet you have a family don't you?"
Newt: "Yes, a very nice family!"
Man: "And you're a heterosexual, aren't you?"
Newt: "You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works!"
Later that week Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and
is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane
takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later the man sitting next to
him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book and just can't keep
himself from being impolite and interrupting:
Man: "Excuse me sir, what's that you're reading?"
Newt: "It's called 'Deductive Reasoning'"
Man: "Oh. Then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, eh?"
Newt: "Well yes, as a matter of fact I have. Let me show you how it works."
Man: "Okay"
Newt: "Do you have a dog?"
Man: "No"
Newt: "Well then, you must be a homosexual!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 96 20:13:24 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: senior citizen humor - the proper use of thank-you notes
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
From: gt0466c@prism.gatech.edu (Jennifer Denise Werner)
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high
school; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
**********************************************************************
Dear Reyer School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot
of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
**********************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 12:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Shot down!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Carl Staelin <staelin@cello.hpl.hp.com>
From: sread@diba.com (J. Stuart Read)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and What They Really Mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are a jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I'm waiting for a richer sugar daddy.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I've got a vibrator.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same
solar system, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and un-fulfilling as my job is better
than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in EXCRUCIATING
detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
[Sigh. I've heard all of these, and often together..some even from my
wife! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Feb 1996 13:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: So, just what are they implying?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Chris Torek <torek@bsdi.com>
I was watching a Discovery Channel program on whales while eating, and
flipping over to A&E and Bob Vila's `Home Again' during commercials (this
sometimes just gets you more commercials, but sometimes works). Anyway,
on one Discovery Channel commercial break, I hit the last few seconds of
an ad for some series, possibly Biography, but I missed that part.
Wednesday's program was to concern Ted Bundy, and Thursday's, Jack the
Ripper. Friday's program? Bill Gates.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 09:05:01 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sometimes dead people won't eat their yogurt.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" <kole@convex.convex.com>
Forwarded-by: Kent Fuka <kent@tivoli.com>
Forwarded-by: "InterNex's ListProcessor v7.2" <listproc@InterNex.NET>
Subject: Excerpt from DILBERT_LIST@INTERNET.NET
True Stories of Induhviduals
----------------------------
This story comes from a hospital worker in Santa Cruz:
At a recent Process Improvement Team (PIT) meeting, one of the Food
service staff brought up a problem she thought should be listed as an
"issue statement."
It seems that there was a problem with staff not knowing when it was OK
to enter a patient's room. She wanted to know if maybe signs could be
put up informing the staff when an exam was in progress; if the patient
was on a bedpan; if the patient was sleeping etc,etc. After about 20
minutes of discussion, I suggested what I thought was the obvious
answer. "How about just knocking on the door?"
The food service worker said that that might work in a lot of cases, but
what about when the patient was dead? I asked if that was really a big
problem. She said "OH YES! Why just last week one of my co-workers was
trying to feed yogurt to a person who turned out to be dead."
This being a group of VERY professional people with a VERY serious mission
we all tried VERY hard not to laugh. We were not VERY successful. After
the not too well concealed laughter finally died down the guy sitting next
to me leaned over and showed me his list of issue statements. On the last
line he had written, "Sometimes dead people won't eat their yogurt."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Feb 1996 18:05:03 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Somewhat updated `Prayer for Serenity'
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" <kole@convex.convex.com>
Forwarded-by: isom@hydra.convex.com (Isom L. Crawford)
Forwarded-by: bill Tue Feb 27 10:08:56 1996
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also,
Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Feb 96 14:40:20 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: Sportswear, Generalization, and the Gynecologist
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Inspired by a joke:
Forwarded-by: LiveTrads@aol.com
Forwarded-by: mdrapkin@lehman.com (Michael L Drapkin)
Forwarded-by: <schivley@leo1.net-admin.lehman.com>
Forwarded-by: <Guy=H=Mawhinney%PA%MSDTWK@vines.msd.ray.com>
One day, while examining a new patient, a gynecologist notices a large
but faint letter "O" on the patient's chest and asks... "Pardon me miss,
but where in the world did you get that 'O' on your chest?"
"Oh that...well, my boyfriend has this nasty old Ohio State sweatshirt
that he likes to wear when we make love. The other day we were fooling
around and the sex got so hot, the 'O' just melted off and marked my chest."
A week later, another patient shows up for her annual examination. When
she takes off her shirt, the doctor sees a big letter "K" on her skin. Again,
the doctor is amazed and asks: "My goodness, where did you get that 'K'?"
"Well, you see doctor, my husband is a big Kentucky basketball fan who
insists on wearing his favorite 'good luck' UK T-shirt when we have sex.
Last night we were making love and boy...did we get into it. It was
incredibly intense and the 'K' just got pressed right into my skin!"
Another week goes by and a new patient shows up for her examination. When
she takes off her shirt the doctor sees the imprint of a huge letter "M" on
her chest. Well, the doctor, remembering the last two patients exhibiting
similar conditions, asks this patient: "Let me guess. Your partner went to
Michigan State and he wore a Michigan State shirt the last time you two had
sex. Right?"
The woman gives the doctor a puzzled look and replies: "Why no, doctor...
My partner, she went to the University of Wisconsin."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Feb 1996 17:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: There are bugs in the wetware...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: James Randi --- Wizard <randi-hotline@ssr.com>
[James Randi, AKA "The Amazing Randi" has offered a $500,000 prize
to anyone that can demonstrate a supernatural event. Details at
http://www.sincity.com/randi/randi.html. Occasionally he gets a
candidate...]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Again, I feel I have to share the following with you folks. I want to
show you the kind of nonsense I have to put up with. Just so you'll
know, I've cut this guy off from further participation with the 2000
Club prize money. I knew you'd be glad to hear that!
Here's what I got today, original spelling and grammar:
"Of course of think I'm a nut..I'd think you were nuts if you didn't.
What I'm saying is completely ridiculas; crazy if I'm wrong and
monumentous if I'm right. No change in protocol..I figured you'd say
that..so ya got a pawn..My move..OK..I assume that to satisfactorily
'pass' the skeptic test, I have to convince you. And with this claim
of Jesus, Paul, David, and John in the flesh, that should be self
evident to any parties involved..no judgement calls. It's a clear cut
case one way or the other. So with manipulation of information, and
'twisting' the lies back into truths, the "slipstream" of god will be
seen(slipstream is a term of 'exact existance', an absolute flowing
within the realitive). For my first revealing I'd like to present the
Apostle Paul. Apostle means 'sent one'. It is my claim that the 2nd
coming of the ministry of Apostle Paul is 'masked' behind the career
of the Rock and Roll group U2. What I mean by 'masked', is that what
the band actually does, is provide encrypted information that can only
be 'seen'/understood by some. Now to indulge this claim, you'll have
to watch ZooTV. The concert version of the album "Achtung Baby". It
provides the explaination of God and introduces the birth of a savior,
the AchtungBaby. It mirrors together the concepts of God/Technology,
Light/TV, Spirit/Radio, Ministry/Advertisement..It's a 2nd Coming
masquerade. Bono, the lead singer, who's given name is Paul, is
masquerading as the Messiah(God) masquerading as the Devil. The
structure of the universe as we can only know it to be. Since 1991,
this has been the thrust of the band, or the ministry of Paul. That
should be enough to start an anlysis of my claim. Because like I
said, I have a John(revelation to), a King David, and a..gulp..Jesus.
more information upon request...your move...."
I need an aspirin. Make that two.
James Randi
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 29 Feb 96 20:24:47 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: The Scientist and the Poet
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
From: Timothy_Higgins-ETH005@email.mot.com
There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a
poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before,
so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the
beauty of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know
so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored,
that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and
continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This
infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want
to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give
me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give
YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it,
seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely
turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time.
"Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5.
Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally
stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what
is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about
the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed
it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly
said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright,
what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought
about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous
calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop,
using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of
Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He
reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously,
turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the
answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 96 17:57:36 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: The World's Easiest Questions
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
[Finally! Some easy questions... Let's see... -psl]
Forwarded-by: larryy@apple.com (Larry Yaeger)
Forwarded-by: "Stephan Somogyi" <somogyi@digmedia.com>
Seven of the World's Easiest Questions
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. In which country are Panama hats made?
3. Where does catgut come from?
4. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
5. What kind of creatures were the Canary Isles named after?
6. What was King George VI's first name?
7. What color is a purple finch?
And their answers:
1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. Squirrel fur.
5. A large breed of dogs.
The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - "Island of Dogs."
6. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of
Queen Victoria that no future king should be called Albert.
7. The distinctively colored parts are crimson.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 08:05:04 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: They'd look perfect flanking my Mr. Spock plate.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: Ellen McMicking <emcmicking@frontier.canrem.com>
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 1996 10:53:19 -0500
From: fresco@sentex.net
AAAAHHH!!!! IT'S TRUE!!!!!
New for '96, Ken and Barbie in the original Star Trek uniforms!!!!!!!
I'm just in shock over this, and torn between a "I must buy it" attitude,
and "I must lie on the floor and twitch spasmodically" sort of feeling.
I thought I'd share it with a lot of people and try to disseminate the
feeling.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Feb 1996 05:08:31 GMT
From: tbb@cts.com (Timothy Burleson)
Subject: Unix help needed!
Newsgroups: sdnet.computing,sdnet.general,cts.support
There is a Sun Sparcstation where I work. It is not hooked up to a
network, we just use it in the office to control some equipment. Right
now, all of us in the office use the same login and password. I'd like
to be able to setup each of us with our own accounts, but we don't know
how to do that. Every thing I try tells me I must be "root" or the
"super-user," but we don't have one. Apparently there is a super-user
password, but no one at my company knows that password on this machine.
Is there anything we can do? The system won't even let us run "add_user."
[Put it on the net. Post the IP address. I'm sure lots of people
will find root access. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Feb 96 16:47:44 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@wolfenet.com>
Subject: World Record Plane Crash
To: Fun_People@wolfenet.com
Forwarded-by: mis@seiden.com (Mark Seiden)
UPI - New York
Lod, the Polish national airline, announced that one of its
jumbo jets crashed this morning on an approach to Warsaw
International Airport. The jumbo jet, crashing three miles
short of the runway, plummeted into a cemetery. So far, Lod
reported, Polish rescue workers have recovered nearly 3,000
bodies.
[but where did they bury the survivors?]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 1996 07:05:02 -0500
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You can't be doing that!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Greg Rose <Greg_Rose@sydney.sterling.com>
Forwarded by: Shane Higgins <higginss@ozemail.com.au>
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000
over that beacon!"
(Brief pause, then first voice again):
"You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------