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Yucks Digest V2 #18
Yucks Digest Tue, 10 Mar 92 Volume 2 : Issue 18
Today's Topics:
1991 Unix support headlines
Adventures in Student Government
Compiler says 'Ack'
Cross-Dress Sailor Loses Case
Doin' in 'puters
Dreaming of a new theme park
ETV-ROMMELMARKT '92 (Translation)
Hotel Massachusetts
Some people just don't like Texas
Today's chicken message...
Today's Top Ten - 2/27/92
WhiteBoard News
Yucks Digest V2 #13 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 29 Feb 92 09:30:04 GMT
From: toad@cellar.org
Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)
I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
"Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"Cannot get into the library"
"Runaway process boards"
"Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
"Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
"Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
"Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
"X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
"Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Install wife terminal"
"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
"Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
"Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
"Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Getting a parody error"
"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
"Having ahard disfailure"
"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
"Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
"Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
"Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
"UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 15:08:37 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu
Subject: Adventures in Student Government
To: yucks
(Background information: Lovett College is a residential college (sort
of a cross between a dorm and a fraternity/sorority) here at Rice
University. Typos below are mine.)
Reprinted without permission from the Rice Thresher, Feb. 21, 1992:
LOVETT REFERENDUM FOR BRITISH EMPIRE GAINS 40 PERCENT APPROVAL
by Amit Dinesh Mehta
In its most recent elections, Lovett College came close to suspending
its cabinet activities and transferring governing power to the British
commonwealth. This spring, Lovett has seen a flurry of proposals to
revise its Constitution. Frustrated by this sudden politicization of
the college, Lovett freshmen Leviticus Chase, Bijan Taslimi, and
Robert Gall introduced a motion to join the British Empire. The
actual proposal read:
(preamble)
Whereas college students are too busy and sexually frustraated
because of combining the responsibilities of academics and
government, it is proposed that this governing power be
transferred to a source outside Lovett College. Whereas
America derives many of its own principles of government from
England, we consider England to be pretty damn competent when
it comes to governing an Empire. Since we believe in
competent government, we propose to join the British
Commonwealth. We invest in parliament all powers of government.
The text continued:
The Lovett College Central Committee will hereby stop
consideration of all New Business items. The CC will be
prohibited from pursuing any activities not already initiated
as of February 13, 1992. All Future initiatives and
expenditures involving Lovett College resources must be called
for by the government of Great Britain. The CC will serve to
fulfill all British requests as long as the necessary
resources are available.
Copies of this petition will be sent to British Prime Minister
John Major and the queen of England within 24 hours of its approval.
Since the call for a referendum was signed by 50 college members, the
Lovett College Cabinet was constitutionally bound to place it on a
ballot for a college-wide election. This election took place on
Tuesday, February 18. Ninety-seven voters supported the motion, while
100 opposed it and 47 abstained. To pass, the proposal needed a
majority of all voters, including abstentions.
The authors of the proposal were disappointed with its failure, but
they vowed to continue their struggle to restore levity to the Lovett
political landscape. "We were sick and tired of anal-retentiveness in
student government," declared Robert Gall. "We promise that by the
time we graduate, all anal-retentiveness will be stamped out!"
Leviticus Chase adopted a more serious tone, noting that the proposal
was a revolt against the exclusivenes of constitutional revision
committees. "As freshmen, we wanted to get involved in the
constitutional process and we found a way to do it."
Bijan Taslimi indicated that the motion demonstrated the frivolous
nature of college-wide referenda. "It was far too easy to put
constitutional changes on the ballot. People will sign anything!"
College leaders had mixed opinions regarding the motion, with some
seeing it as a dangerous joke and others viewing it as a referendum on
the desirability of anarchy. Many college members were amazed that 40
percent of the college supported the motion. In assessing the impact
of this support, Lovett president Ty Bailey declared, "I'm happy that
it failed because I don't want to be taking orders from Queen
Elizabeth... If we would have [approved the referendum], it would have
been an act of treason!"
Vice-president-elect Brent Swift indicated that he did not "think that
the referendum was a statement against the legitimacy of the college
government so much as it was a sign that we have a lot of 18-year-olds
who want to drink." In England, the drinking age is 18.
However, other college officials expressed different opinions. "This
is as important as Buchanan getting 40 percent of the vote [in the New
Hampshire primary]," said Member-at-large Mark Schoenhals. He further
indicated that the support for the motion could be interpreted as a
simple protest vote against the legitimacy of current college leaders
or a sincere belief that college government should be experimental.
"This kind of de facto anarchy would definitely be experimental," he
said.
Off-campus representative Kent McCormick supported the intentions of
the referendum authors. "Unlike previous Consititutional proposals,
this one actually had some merit," he explained. He proceeded to
describe current Lovett cabinet meetings as a bureaucratic morass of
irrelevant arguments.
Despite the impact of this powerful joke, Lovett College members
continue to discuss further revisions in the college constitution.
For instance, a group of students is expected to proposa a
transformation of Lovett government into a direct participatory
democracy - a system that maintains the current government
infrastructure but allows all attending college members to vote at
cabinet meetings.
------------------------------
Date: 23 Feb 92 09:30:04 GMT
From: ianb@ocf.berkeley.edu (Ian Barkley)
Subject: Compiler says 'Ack'
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
*ABSOLUTELY UNCHANGED COMPILER RESPONSES*
(from a make of umoria 5.4 on an Apollo...)
[With output like this, why isn't Apollo a market leader? --spaf]
[monsoon:umoria] 19} make
cc -O -c main.c
Compiler Errors
99 divide by 0 error: can't find source
033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
cc -O -c misc1.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
086 sin | more souls >! /dev/hell
cc -O -c misc2.c
Compiler Errors
00 function 'fuckit' not defined
666 you're going to hell for this code style
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
cc -O -c misc3.c
Compiler Errors
101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
******** Line 1725 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 1858 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 2203 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to flag is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c misc4.c
Compiler Errors
14 parse error: I just don't get it
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
1001001 funky
cc -O -c store1.c
Compiler Errors
14 parse error: I just don't get it
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
1906 not a typewriter
******** Line 163 of "store1.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to min_sell is n
ever
used; assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c files.c
Compiler Errors
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
1906 not a typewriter
******** Line 256 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to nobj is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 251 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to level is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c io.c
Compiler Errors
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
1906 not a typewriter
000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
******** Line 1301 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to y is never used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 1403 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to slen is never us
ed;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c create.c
Compiler Errors
666 you're going to hell for this code style
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c desc.c
Compiler Errors
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c generate.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
1 FOAD
033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c sets.c
Compiler Errors
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
1001001 funky
cc -O -c dungeon.c
Compiler Errors
666 you're going to hell for this code style
1906 not a typewriter
cc -O -c creature.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
cc -O -c eat.c
Compiler Errors
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
cc -O -c save.c
Compiler Errors
1 FOAD
101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
1906 not a typewriter
000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
0x098ff 0x0ff00 > 0xfffff !! > ?
[and so on....]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 92 20:53:25 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Cross-Dress Sailor Loses Case
To: yucks-request
WASHINGTON (AP)
The Supreme Court on Monday rejected the appeal of a man thrown
out of the Navy for wearing women's clothes while off duty.
The court, without comment, left intact rulings that Petty Officer
Virgilio Guerrero was treated fairly when prosecuted for conduct "to
the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces."
Guerrero, a 10-year veteran, was stationed at the Navy's Fleet
Training Center in San Diego in 1989 when convicted in a
court-martial.
His sentence included a discharge from the Navy.
Guerrero was convicted of two specific violations dressing in
women's clothes after inviting another sailor to his apartment and
allowing his neighbors to see him in women's clothes.
The fellow sailor testified that Guerrero surprised him by leaving
the room and coming back wearing a long-haired wig, makeup, a
mini-skirt and blouse.
In each instance, Guerrero was off duty and away from the Navy
base.
The U.S. Court of Military Appeals upheld Guerrero's conviction
and sentence last September, rejecting his contention that the
portion of the military code used to prosecute him is too vague.
The appeals court noted that cross-dressing is not illegal outside
the military and that not all cross-dressing would be "prejudicial to
good order and discipline."
"Certainly most Americans are familiar with Jamie Farr's character
`Corporal Klinger' from the television series `Mash,' a show that
parodies military life," the appeals court said. But it said the
time, place, circumstances and purpose of someone's cross-dressing
can make it a violation of the military code.
"If a service member cross-dresses in the privacy of his home,
with his curtains or drapes closed and no reasonable belief that he
was being observed by others or bringing discredit to his rating as a
petty officer of the U.S. Navy, it would not constitute the offense,"
the military court said.
In the appeal acted on Monday, Guerrero challenged his conviction
based on the testimony of neighbors who saw him through his apartment
window and while he was leaving and arriving at his home.
If his conviction stands, the appeal said, "the government can
arbitrarily and capriciously prosecute individuals who act in ways
that, while peculiar, bizarre and eccentric, in no way violate any
state or federal law."
The appeal added that Guerrero's conduct "in no way related to the
performance of his duties."
Bush administration lawyers urged the justices to reject
Guerrero's appeal. They said that even if his conviction based on the
testimony of his neighbors were overturned, his conviction and
sentence based on the testimony of the fellow sailor who visited his
apartment would remain.
Guerrero did not appeal that finding of a violation.
The case is Guerrero vs. U.S., 91-1024.
["...would bring discredit to his rating as a petty officer..." Does that
mean that if he were of flag rank, it would be okay? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 92 15:51:09 CST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Doin' in 'puters
To: spaf
On February 15, 1992 (20:54:59), Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford duly wrote:
>Date: Thu, 13 Feb 92 01:03:20 -0800
>From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
>Subject: downrange download
>To: spaf
>
>Upset Dad Allegedly Downloads Gun Into Son's Computer
>
> ......
>
>[Compare to Yucks v1#43 where the Marines used handgrenades. Any
>of you Yuckster's done in a computer in some spectacular manner? --spaf]
Well, there's an urban legend around regarding the CEO of HaL
Computers, Andrew Heller, about how he did in a Compaq machine with a
.45. The wierdness is that it was on IBM property, at the time.
This story has been confirmed by about three sources, so I tend to
believe that it's true.
[After having met Andy, I believe it is possible. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 12:32:47 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Dreaming of a new theme park
To: yucks-request
By Sharon Spivak
Copley News Service
SAN DIEGO Imagine millions of tiny, interlocking Lego blocks
built into larger-than-life figures, creating a child's fantasyland
full of spaceships, pirates and castles.
That's exactly what the visionaries at Lego's corporate
headquarters foresee for San Diego, assuming it survives a competition
with six other cities and is selected as the site of the innovative
theme park.
The new park would be a monument to the millions of children
worldwide whose imaginations and tiny hands have guided them to snap
the colorful, non-scratch plastic blocks into myriad shapes.
"You're talking about a park that could potentially all be made of
Lego blocks," said company spokesman David Lafrennie, from Lego
Systems Inc.'s headquarters in Enfield, Conn.
And he means it.
In Denmark, the one-of-a-kind Legoland theme park features a
massive replica of Mount Rushmore complete with Lincoln's beard
that is meticulously made of 1.5 million blocks. Legoland is a plastic
Disneyland made of about 38 million tiny blocks, drawing more than a
million visitors a year.
"I would think the kids would love it, but I would think some of
them would try to take it apart!" said Kathy Zwolinski, director of
the Kinder-Care Learning Center on Mira Mesa Boulevard.
The 125-acre, $100 million Lego World would be built actually,
snapped Lego block by Lego block on an undisclosed site.
Reint Reinders, president of the San Diego Convention & Visitors
Bureau, believes Lego is interested in sprawling lots in Chula Vista,
Carlsbad or possibly Oceanside. Reinders said Lego is working with San
Diego's Economic Development Corp. to scout territory.
But both Lego and EDC were mum on the matter.
"We don't discuss the clients that we work with," EDC vice
president Steve Weathers said tersely.
Lafrennie said only that the park would encompass 125 acres,
including 40 for the attractions, 40 for parking and 40 for potential
expansion.
Envisioned for the amusement park are areas corresponding to the
company's product lines: One might be a Duplo area, where tots could
use these "big blocks for tiny hands" and find models, rides and
other attractions, Lafrennie said.
Educated Lego users believe the developers would have better luck
building the park with the Duplos, blocks that are much larger than
the minuscule Legos, which have a tendency to get lost behind
furniture and in carpets around the globe.
"Wow! That sounds so great," Ed Peji, an employee at the
Imaginarium toy store at University Towne Centre, said of the theme
park idea. "For something like this I would certainly go with the
Duplos. You can get a lot more mass."
"We just had a kid in here last night who looked at our Lego table
and said, `Oh, my gosh. Dad, this is a dream, a dream come true.' And
he was only 5 or 6 years old." With such heartwarming reaction to
Lego toys, Peji thinks a park like this could be successful here.
But Karen Eide, a toy store employee who sells a lot of Lego sets,
was skeptical. She spoke on condition that the name of her San Diego
store not be used.
"Kids are always going to like to build with Lego," she said.
"If it's just to look at, they won't want to go (to the theme park).
They might go once and say, `Oooh, that's neat,' and that's it. I
wouldn't bring my kids."
Zwolinski of Kinder-Care polled some of the children surrounding
her yesterday to gauge their opinions.
"I think it would be cool," said 11-year-old Jomerson, who has a
Lego pirate set.
"My mom built me a little tiny Lego house for my mouse," said
5-year-old Erick, not quite catching the theme park question.
Lego World would provide children age 6 to 12 with areas linked to
familiar Lego themes such as pirates, space, town and castle,
Lafrennie said. For example, they might find a boat ride through caves
that feature pirates made of the blocks. It is unclear whether the
Legos that glow in the dark would be used.
Lillian Hess of the Danish Tourist Board in New York City said
Legoland is "the most popular attraction outside Copenhagen." She
said it charges the equivalent of $6.50 admission and is less
sophisticated than Disneyland, "really more down to earth."
Lafrennie stressed that the Lego World would not be a replica of
Denmark's Legoland, which also features Lego-made exhibits of a
mini-airport, a Swiss village, the U.S. Capitol, the Acropolis,
Sitting Bull and the Statue of Liberty. Design of the new theme park
is in progress.
Lafrennie said a site will be selected late this year or early in
1993. The list of seven sites will be cut to three by late summer, he
said.
The company now is doing feasibility studies analyzing the
locations San Diego, the Washington-Baltimore area, Boston and four
undisclosed sites in Western Europe.
It is studying how much of the year the park could be open in the
various cities and how long one might stay there. The company believes
it could draw 1.5 million visitors a year.
"It's going to be a boon to the local economy," Lafrennie said,
but did not disclose how many jobs it might create.
Lego was founded in 1932 by Ole Kirk Christiansen. Its name means
"play well" in Danish, and "I put together" in Latin. In the
1930s, the blocks were made of wood. Their now-familiar plastic,
knobby texture came into existence in the mid-1950s.
Lafrennie estimates that 3 million children worldwide have played
with the blocks, which are sold in sets costing from $1 to $160. More
than 1,500 different pieces now are made by the company.
"I'm all for it," Reinders of ConVis said of the proposed park.
"It's a very attractive venture."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Feb 92 9:07:18 PST
From: megatek!fritzz (Friedrich Knauss)
Subject: ETV-ROMMELMARKT '92 (Translation)
> JAARLIJKSE ROMMELMARKT E.T.V. - 11 MEI 1992
Annual Electronic Fleamarket. May 11 1992
> ATTENTIE !!
ATTENTION !!
> 11 mei a.s. zal de traditionele electro-rommelmarkt weer plaatsvinden in
> de hal van ET.
On May 11 the traditional electronic fleamarket will take place in
the ET hall.
> Zoals elk jaar doen we ook nu weer een beroep op iedereen binnen de faculteit
> om spullen aan te leveren voor deze rommelmarkt. Wij zoeken electronica,
> bekabeling, printplaten, scopen, voedingen, oude computers etc...
> ALLES IS WELKOM !!!
Once each year we wear only our thoughts and ideas in front of
our faculty and spill our love juices at this flea market. We
pleasure elctronics like printers in bondage, osciliscopes, disk
drives, impotent computers, etc...
EVERYBODY IS WELCOME !!!
> Indien u denkt van ja, ik heb nog wel iets in een hoekje staan, waar ik toch
> niets meer mee doe, bel dan de Electrotechnische Vereeniging !
If you think this is odd, I do this thing where I stand hooked, while I touch
the nether parts of a doe, in a grand Electronic Union.
> E.T.V. - Diescommissie
E.T.V. Comissary
> Wij hopen op een grote respons om dit evenement weer tot een minstens even
> groot succes te kunnen maken als voorgaande jaren.
We are hoping to have a great response for this event with at least as
great a success as we made in previous years.
> Bij voorbaat dank.
Thank you for beating me.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 23:36:58 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Hotel Massachusetts
To: yucks-request
From: mcmahon@owlnet.rice.edu (Michael G. McMahon)
Newsgroups: alt.motd
(Sung to the tune of "Hotel California")
In a dark Boston airport, hot wind in my hair
Foul smell of pollution rising up through the air
Up ahead 'cross the river, I saw a great shining dome
My heart grew heavy and my guts felt sick, this was to be my new home
There they stood in the Great Court, I heard the students yell
And I was thinking to myself, this can't be heaven, this has to be hell
Then they held up their frat signs and they rushed me away
There were voices down the corridor, I thought I heard them say:
Welcome to the Hotel Massachusetts
Such a nerdy place, such a nerdy face
Not enough room at the Hotel Massachusetts*
Any time of year, you can pay us here
Their minds are hopelessly twisted, they got the Institute Screw
They got a lot of heavy problem sets that they must do
How they tool on the fifth floor**, 18.01
Some tool 'cause they have to, some tool to have fun
So I held up my meal card, "Please, what is this for?"
He said we've had forced commons since the class of 1984
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of a class, just to hear them say:
Welcome to the Hotel Massachusetts
Such a nerdy place, such a nerdy face
They're tooling away at the Hotel Massachusetts
What a boring day, 'cause they must have 'A'
Pipes on the ceiling, the greasy food on rice
And they said, "We are all just prisoners here, of Paul Gray's device"
And in the Student Center, the students come to eat
They stab it with their plastic knives but they just can't cut the meat
Last thing I remember, I was at the Registrar
I had to get my transcript sent to a place where I'll go far
"Pay up," said the Chanc'llor, "we will fine you if you're late.
You can flunk out any time you like, but you can't graduate"
* Historical context 1: This song was written in the Fall of 1980, when
7 frosh were stuck in the basement of Ashdown because there
wasn't enough housing.
** Historical content 2: The 24-hour library used to be in the fifth
floor of the student center.
Hotel Massachusetts was originally published in The Baker Letter, v. 34,
no. 2, 4/9/81.
------------------------------
Date: 23 Feb 92 00:30:05 GMT
From: RIG@posole.dasd.honeywell.com (J. Brian Rigdon)
Subject: Some people just don't like Texas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
OBHistory Lesson. New Mexico was a state with Santa Fe the capitol 10 years
before the pilgrims hit Massachusetts. Things haven't improved much in Santa
Fe... Texas wasn't even thought of then. Since then, Texans have actually
invaded New Mexico with armed parties (got their butts kicked) and have since
tried invasion with tourism and real estate tactics. (Keep coming, we want
your money!) With that out of the way, here are some jokes.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then He turned around
and someone else made Texas.
The best thing about Texas is that it is the only state which can legally
secede from the union.
The worst thing about Texas is that it hasn't.
Texas: Where you can see farther and see less than any place on earth.
You know you're leaving Texas when you see more stickers on the plants than on
the bumpers.
Did you hear about the texan who saw a sign that said "wet cement" so he did.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 1992 10:21:28 EST
Subject: Today's chicken message...
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
On Feb 21, 9:45am, Jay Sekora wrote:
Subject: Bushu-suru (chicken invitation)
Washington, D.C. (AP)---During an impromptu debate today, President
Bush fainted, or in Japanese _Bushu-shimashita_, in the lap of rival
Republican presidential hopeful Patrick Buchanan, after unexpected
exposure to broccoli. The event occurred after Bush received an order
of General Tso's Chicken with ``Compliments of your pal Kiichi
Miyazawa'' written on it. Miyazawa is the Japanese Prime Minister in
whose lap Bush fainted during a recent summit.
Buchanan said he was ``outraged'', and that the event demonstrated U.S.
subservience to Japanese economic interests. ``See?'' he said, ``Bush
is just a puppet of the Japanese.'' Buchanan later responded to the
incident by demanding to be named Chancellor, saying that his 41
percent showing in the New Hampshire Republican primary demonstrated a
popular mandate for his far-right policies, which have been described
by some as xenophobic.
A Japanese embassy spokesman said that Miyazawa had been unaware of
Bush's aversion to broccoli, and had only intended to buy him lunch as
a friendly gesture.
The White House had no comment other than to describe Bush as a victim
of ``voodoo gastronomics.''
Elsie Tan, proprietor of the Hunan restaurant in Princeton, New Jersey,
said she remembered Miyazawa ordering the chicken, but that she had no
idea it was intended for Bush. ``I remember the call because it was a
very bad line, sounded far away. The man who came and picked it up
says he's from the Japanese Consulate in New York. They didn't tell me
who it was for. I don't care; I got their $3.25.'' She added that she
had heard of no other instance where Hunan's food had had any harmful
effect.
------------------------------
Date: Thursday, February 27, 1992 09:27AM
From: Dan Morrow
Subject: Today's Top Ten - 2/27/92
To: Dan Morrow
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE CONGRESSIONAL PICNIC
10. "Sununu looks good in those bicycle pants."
9. "Just go behind the monument."
8. "More Cheez Whiz, Congressman?"
7. "I'm a member of the House of Representatives. Stop
calling me 'Gopher'!"
6. "No, Mr. Vice President. You don't put the potato sack on
your head."
5. "Isn't that Barney Frank and Bob Dole - slow dancing?"
4. "Look at all these weenies!"
3. "Mrs. Bush just finished her one hundredth deviled egg!"
2. "Put your pants on, Mr. Kennedy."
1. "Could I have another taxpayer-subsidized hamburger?"
------------------------------
Date: Monday, March 02, 1992 06:41PM
From: Joseph Harper
Subject: WhiteBoard News
This first item comes from MicroSoftie RobWil:
Ames, Iowa:
A one-legged man stole a three-legged dog, police said.
In addition to the black Labrador, the burglar Sunday also took a
hamster, a checkbook and some cash from Nikkel & Associates,
an electrical contracting business, police said.
The man then stole a pickup truck after the break-in and
witnesses identified him by name.
Police Sgt. Craig Reid said police are familiar with the suspect,
who wears a prosthesis.
==========
This next item comes from MicroSoftie EdH:
Honolulu, Hawaii:
A fan club in Hawaii recently petitioned to have the name of the
island of Maui officially changed to "Gilligan's Island."
An official replied, saying the chances of such happening was
"zero to less than zero."
===========
This next item also comes by way of MicroSoftie EdH:
Here's a story related by a speaker at the recent aviation seminar
in Tacoma.
The speaker recalled an incident at one of California's major
airports. A PSA jet was taxiing out behind a Delta. It was very
busy, and a long line of jets was lined up for departure.
PSA, Delta, and Ground Control had a conversation that went
something like:
PSA: "Ground Control [GC], could you ask the Delta ahead of
me to come up on (radio frequency) 1xx.35?"
[a pause followed]
Delta: "GC, please inform PSA that we at Delta are
professionals; we do not use unauthorized frequencies."
[Another pause followed by:]
PSA: "GC, now for all listening to this frequency and for the
FAA tapes -- would you please inform Delta that their very
professional gear pins are still in place?"
[A much longer silence (actually I imagine a lot of folks laughing
too hard to talk except in the Delta Cabin)]
Delta: "GC, Delta Flight xxx requests taxi back to the gate."
==========
This next item comes from a-RicB:
Beijing, China:
At a Beijing cotton mill, workers have a problem: the factory quota of
10 free condoms a month--for married employees only-- is not sufficient
for their bedtime needs. In fact, the world's most populous society is
facing a crisis of condoms. China's 7 million users, more than double
the number of eight years ago, say there are just not enough
prophylactics to go around.
China's huge crop of baby boomers, born in the 1960s when Chairman
Mao's Cultural Revolution crippled the nation's embryonic birth-control
program, have reached childbearing age. They have also developed
looser sexual habits: premarital and extramarital sex is rising
rapidly.
To meet the need for condoms, population bureaucrats are pressing the
nation's latex industry to stretch output quickly by 100 million, to a
peak of 1.5 billion a year. Check off one more victory for the forces
of supply and demand of central planning.
[...er "stretch output?" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Feb 1992 19:58:44 -0500
From: genek@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #13 (shorts)
To: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan), spaf
On Feb 18, 5:04pm, Dave Brennan wrote:
> Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #13 (shorts)
> > [Compare to Yucks v1#43 where the Marines used handgrenades. Any
> > of you Yuckster's done in a computer in some spectacular manner? --spaf]
>
> At a Data General employee meeting they did in a Sun workstation with a
> sledge hammer. The monitor tube was remove (probably for safety reasons)
> but the keycaps went everywhere. I was far enough away where they could
> have left the monitor in -- now that would have been interesting.
>
> [Was this a regular event or a special occasion? Was it
> well-received? And, did Sun reciprocate? --spaf]
Hmmm... This story explains a strange ritual I observed two summers
ago while I was working for Sun. One night, all the Sun employees
gathered under a clear and starry night in the light of a full moon.
They slowly began to chant in some strange tongue that I couldn't
understand. I watched in confusion as they scrubbed around the dry and
crackly field under the cold moonlight, and slowly produced a macabre
straw figure.
After they all stripped naked and embossed their skin with ochre
paint, a bonfire was built and the straw figure was donned in a Data
General coverall. Then there was more chanting and dancing. Then, in
an orgiastic explosion of movement, the straw figure was dismembered and
burned in effigy.
Scott McNealy then donned a Gumby costume and did an interpretive
dance of the Cosby show opening and sang the Battle Hymn Republic.
Well, that's another puzzle in my life unraveled. Thanks for the
info.
[Uh, Gene? Are you getting enough vitamins? Or getting too many? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------