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Yucks Digest V1 #112
Yucks Digest Sat, 21 Dec 91 Volume 1 : Issue 112
Today's Topics:
A Russian paper on programming and What It Does To You
covert channels
Dining
froim spaf's list
From News of the Weird
Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee!
Life, Death, and Faxes -- Convicted forger released by bogus fax
Macintosh vs. IBM
Ph.D. screening exam parody
Reagan Learns About Nintendo
Rum Runs
More RUMORS ON AIDS (very long)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
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list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 91 16:20:56 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A Russian paper on programming and What It Does To You
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The latest ";login:", the USENIX association newsletter, has a report
from the Soviet UNIX User's Group meeting, by Judith E. Grass, of AT&T
Bell Labs in Murray Hill. The last paper of the converence, by V.
Podsvirov, is reported as follows:
V. Podsvirov presented the last paper of the conference. His thesis
was that programming work inherently produces unhealthy mental states
in its practicioners. These unhealthy mental states are conducive
to poor physical health and bad moral health. Much of this results
from the trance-like state induced by staring at a computer screen
transfixed by deep abstract problem solving. Podsvirov suggested
that it would be good mental hygiene for programmers to practice some
form of mental exercise after a hard day's hacking to prevent
permanent mental damage. This was a very entertaining talk and it
was sometimes hard to gauge how serious the speaker's intent was.
From subsequent conversations, I know he was quite serious. This is
another paper that should be translated from the Russian and given
a wider audience.
[This explains the problems many of my friends seem to have, fer sure!
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 18 Dec 91 20:27:41 GMT
From: faustus@ygdrasil.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Wayne A. Christopher)
Subject: covert channels
Newsgroups: alt.security
In article <kdHpH4S00j5uQodsNS@andrew.cmu.edu> jb3o+@andrew.cmu.edu writes:
> I mean, it might not be top secret, but if your trojan ...
I can see it now...
"We've been the experts at protection for over 40 years, and
now, you can have the same protection for your data that you
get for your manhood. The DataCondom: our Trojans keep you
safe from their trojans..."
Although the name "DataCondom" may already be taken by the makers of
the DataGlove for a different product...
------------------------------
Date: 20 Dec 91 11:30:04 GMT
From: gt5052b@prism.gatech.edu (LIEBMAN,ERICA JILL)
Subject: Dining
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This joke was told to me as an example of the "synthesist" personality
type. That is, a joke so weird that no one in his right mind would think
it funny except the minority personality archetype.
********
A woman was sitting at an elegant dinner. Across from her, a man
in neat black tie and tux was carefully piling stewed carrots on top
of his head. She watched him for a while in horror until she could
stand it no more. "Sir," she finally asked. "Why are you piling
carrots on your head." He looked back at her, shocked. "Carrots?"
he exclaimed. "I thought these were yams!"
[I'm either not in my right mind (probable) or a "synthesist" -- I
laughed out loud after reading this. Sigh. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1991 12:20:28 PST
From: "Christopher A. Kent" <kent@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: froim spaf's list
To: spaf
[One last time. This is to clarify the relationship of the "qual"
exam in a previous Yucks, plus the mail about message headers.
So there. --spaf]
No, the two pieces of mail don't have anything to do with one another
-- I mislead you or you misunderstood. They're *years* apart, and that
piece of mail is completely concerned with CMU, not Stanford; while
Brian has spent time at both places, I don't think Gabriel was ever at CMU.
I just think that the long headers piece is wonderful, and the two are
for some reason connected, because of similar amusement value, in my
mind. Only.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 91 09:49:47 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From News of the Weird
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The following item is quoted in its entirety from the "News of the
Weird" column by Chuck Shepherd as it appeared in the December 6, 1991
edition of the {Chicago Reader}. The column is a collection of strange
and bizarre news stories from all over, sent in by readers:
> The Chinese Government, concerned about secrecy, recently had its
> entire telephone system rewired so that military officials can't
> call, or be called from, outside the country. A {New York Times}
> reporter trying to confirm the story with China's Bureau of Secrecy
> found the bureau's phone number was classified. Researchers have
> reported being told that, among other things, the number of sheep
> in China and the number of potatoes grown every year are secrets.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 91 09:45:12 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Joyeux Noel et Bonne Annee!
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
MERRY X'MAS (or equivalent) AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR - in many languages !
Arabic-classic I'd Miilad said oua Sana saida
Armenian Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Breton Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
Chinese
- Cantonese Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
- Mandarin Kong He Xin Xi
- " Hong Kong Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Czech Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish Hermed v]re beste dnsker om en Gledelig Jul og et Godt Nytt]r
Dutch Zalig Kerstfeest en een gelukkig Nieuwjaar
Prettige Kerstdagen en een Voorspoedig Nieuwjaar
English Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Season's Greetings
Estonian Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
Finnish Hyv?? Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
Toivotamme Hyv?? Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
French Joyeux Nohl et Bonne AnnJe
German Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glpckliches Neues Jahr
Greek Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Hawaiian Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauoli Makahiki ho
Hebrew Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi Shub Naya Baras
Hungarian Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
Icelandic Gledlig jol og Nyar
Gledileg jl og farsXlt komandi =r
Indonesian Selamah Tahun Baru
Irish Nollaig shona dhuit agus athbhliain faoi mhaise
Italian Buone Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo
Japanese Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Korean Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lithuanian Linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Manx Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Marathi Shub Naya Varsh
Norwegian
- Ny Norsk Eg ynskjer hermed Dykk alle ein God Jul og eit Godt Nytt $r
- Riksm]l Gledlig jul og godt Nytt $r
Polish Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
Feliz Natal e Bom Ano Novo
Rapa-Nui Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
Russian Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Samoan La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serb-Croatian Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ato Nuevo
Swedish Glad Jul och ett gott Nytt $r
Vi vill h?rmed nska en God Jul och ett Gott Nytt $r
Tagalog Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Turkish Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
Ukrainian Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
Vietnamese Chuc mung nam moi
Welsh Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
===========
Some problems may happen with special characters - sorry about this.
===========
I apologize for the absence of hundreds of other languages. I am especially
sorry for the absence of Kurdish, Croatian and Serb (I was only able to find...
"Serb-Croatian" !). I'm sure that our List-Owner, Alf, will be sorry for the
absence of other Norwegian languages (Samm-Norsk, Bok-Norsk, Vest-Norsk, :-) ).
-> Please, all of you, send me whatever is missing and I'll include it in...
next year's edition ! Same thing if you spot any mistake. Please send to:
rigaut@frurbb51
---------------
Jean Paul Rigaut
U.263 INSERM, University of Paris 7, Tour 53-1, 2 place Jussieu
75251 - Paris Cedex 05, France
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 91 14:56:40 PST
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: Life, Death, and Faxes -- Convicted forger released by bogus fax
To: yucks
>From the RISKS Digest...
Jean Paul Barrett, a convict serving 33 years for forgery and fraud in
the Pima County jail in Tuscon, Arizona, was released on 13Dec91 after
receipt of a forged fax ordering his release. It appears that a copy
of a legitimate release order was altered to bear HIS name. Apparently
no one noticed that the faxed document lacked an originating phone
number or that there was no "formal" cover sheet. The "error" was
discovered when Barrett failed to show up for a court hearing.
The jail releases about 60 people each day, and faxes have become
standard procedure. Sheriff's Sergeant Rick Kastigar said "procedures
are being changed so the error will not occur again." [Abstracted by
PGN from "Fraudulent Fax Gets Forger Freed", an item in the San
Francisco Chronicle, 18Dec91, p.A3]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Dec 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: stevek@ceco.UUCP (Steve Kroese)
Subject: Macintosh vs. IBM
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Original work written by Stephen Kroese
As I was walking down the street the other day, I noticed a man working
on his house. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble. As I came closer,
I saw that he was trying to pound a nail into a board by a window --
with his forehead. He seemed to be in a great deal of pain. This made me
feel very bad, watching him suffer so much just to fix his window pane.
I thought, "Here is an opportunity to make someone very happy simply by
showing him a better way to do things." Seeing him happy would make me
happy too. So I said, "Excuse me sir, there is a better way to do that."
He stopped pounding his head on the nail and with blood streaming down
his face said, "What?"
I said, "There is a better way to pound that nail. You can use a
hammer."
He said, "What?"
I said "A hammer. It's a heavy piece of metal on a stick. You can use it
to pound the nail. It's faster and it doesn't hurt when you use it."
"A hammer, huh?"
"Thats right. If you get one I can show you how to use it and you'll be
amazed how much easier it will make your job."
Somewhat bewildered he said,"I think I have seen hammers, but I thought
they were just toys for kids."
"Well, I suppose kids could play with hammers, but I think what you saw
were brightly colored plastic hammers. They look a bit like real
hammers, but they are much cheaper and don't really do anything," I
explained.
"Oh," he said. Then went on, "But hammers are more expensive than using
my forehead. I don't want to spend the money for a hammer."
Now somewhat frustrated I said, "But in the long run the hammer would
pay for itself because you would spend more time pounding nails and less
time treating head wounds."
"Oh," he said. "But I can't do as much with a hammer as I can with my
forehead," he said with conviction.
Exasperated, I went on. "Well, I'm not quite sure what else you've been
using your forehead for, but hammers are marvelously useful tools. You
can pound nails, pull nails, pry apart boards, in fact every day people
like you seem to be finding new ways to use hammers. And I'm sure a
hammer would do all these things much better than your forehead."
"But why should I start using a hammer? All my friends pound nails with
their foreheads too. If there were a better way to do it I'm sure one of
them would have told me," he countered.
Now he had caught me off guard. "Perhaps they are all thinking the same
thing," I suggested. "You could be the first one to dicover this new way
to do things," I said with enthusiasm.
With a skeptical look in his bloodstained eye he said,"Look, some of my
friends are professional carpenters. You can't tell me they don't know
the best way to pound nails."
"Well, even professionals become set in their ways and resist change."
Then in a frustrated yell I continued, "I mean come on! You can't just
sit there and try to convince me that using your forehead to pound nails
is better than using a hammer!"
Now quite angry he yelled back, "Hey listen buddy, I've been pounding
nails with my forehead for many years now. Sure, it was painful at first
but now it's second nature to me. Besides, all my friends do it this way
and the only people I've ever seen using 'hammers' were little kids. So
take your stupid little children's toys and get the hell off my
property."
Stunned, I started to step back. I nearly tripped over a large box of
head bandages. I noticed a very expensive price tag on the box and a blue
company logo on the price tag. I had seen all I needed to see. This man
had somehow been brainwashed, probably by the expensive bandage company,
and was beyond help. Hell, let him bleed, I thought. People like that
deserve to bleed to death. I walked along, happy that I owned not one
but three hammers at home. I used them every day at school and I use
them now evey day at work and I love them. A sharp pain hit my stomach
as I recalled the days before I used hammers, but I reconciled myself
with the thought that tonight at the hammer users club meeting I could
talk to all my friends about their hammers. We will make jokes about all
the idiots we know that don't have hammers and discuss wether we should
spend all of our money buying the fancy new hammers that just came out.
Then when I get home, like every night, I will sit up and use one of my
hammers until very late when I finally fall asleep. In the morning I
will wake up ready to go out into the world proclaiming to all non-
hammer users how they too could become an expert hammer user like me.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Dec 91 00:30:06 GMT
From: elliott@cs.wisc.edu (James Elliott)
Subject: Ph.D. screening exam parody
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
At this time of year one often finds high stress levels among
graduate students here at Madison, since we're enjoying the
screening exams process. Students who want to pursue doctoral
degrees must pass a set of difficult exams in computer science
within a certain time period. We must pass one depth (four
hour) exam, and two breadth (two hour) exams in different
subject areas.
One of my friends came up with a great way to apply his
nervous energy (and cynical wit), which was to write this
wonderful parody of an Operating Systems screening exam.
Some of the humor is particularly poignant to people familiar
with the particular exam, since the questions are recognizable
twists on topics that seem to always come up. For example,
Question 1 is about the paper "On the Duality of Operating
System Structures" by Lauer and Needham, [Proc. 2nd Int'l
Symposium on Operating Systems, IRIA, October 1978]. And
Question 8 is clearly about the controversy over whether
network file servers should be stateless or maintain state.
Even without this "inside" knowledge, this exam is very funny.
My friend is shy about posting this himself, but I think it
deserves a wide audience, so I twisted his arm until he agreed
to let me submit it.
Computational Pedantry
Instructions:
For the BREATH exam: Answer any 4 of questions 1-6.
For the DEATH exam: Answer any 6 of questions 1-6, and any 5 of
questions 7-10. You are expected to spend about two hours on each
fifth of the exam. You are allowed to spend about two hours on
each half of the exam.
BREATH QUESTIONS
Breath 1. Duolity:
In principle, Batman/Robin and Electrawoman/Dynagirl superheros
should have similar power and performance. In practice, most
Batman/Robin TV programs have achieved better popularity than
Electrawoman/Dynagirl programs.
(2a) Describe two opportunities for tasteful dress or believable
plot offered by a typical Batman/Robin program that are not
offered by a typical Electrawoman/Dynagirl program. Explain
why these optimizations occur more often in the Batman/Robin
programs.
(2b) Describe how advertising buffers between episodes may be
implemented in a Batman/Robin program with strictly premium
channels.
Breath 3. Resource Management:
Every resource management system needs protection against overuse
or abuse of the resource. Three general strategies are preven-
tion, avoidance, and detection & recovery.
(3a) Describe these strategies, carefully distinguishing between
them, and give an example of each.
(3b) Give specific arguments for and against applying the detec-
tion & recovery strategy mentioned in N. Wirth's paper "Pro-
gram Development Through Stepwise Refinement."
Breath 5. Encryption:
Pbafvqre n flfgrz jurer vagrecebprff pbzzhavpngvba vf ivn
zrffntrf. Nyy zrffntr pbzzhavpngvba orgjrra znpuvarf vf
rapelcgrq. Gur rapelcgvba shapgvba pna or cynprq ng nal bs
frireny yriryf va gur flfgrz. Qrfpevor gur nqinagntrf naq qvfnqi-
nagntrf bs rnpu bs gurfr nygreangvirf.
(5a) Rnpu xreary vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure xreary gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5b) Rnpu cebprff vf erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat n frpher punaary
gb rnpu bgure cebprff gb juvpu vg gnyxf.
(5c) Gur argjbex freivpr cebivqref (tngrjnlf, ebhgref, rgp.) ner
erfcbafvoyr sbe rfgnoyvfuvat frpher punaaryf.
DEATH QUESTIONS
Death 8. Tasteless/Tasteful Hosts:
A so-called tasteless host is one that does not maintain any
information about guests between parties. For this question,
assume parties are not replicated (no party is held in more than
one veranda).
(8a) How would you accomplish catering with a tasteless server?
(8b) How does recovery from guests trashing the lawn at a taste-
less host party differ from recovery at a party that main-
tains open invitations?
(8c) Consider a tasteless server where you have multiple guests
wanting to speak simultaneously to a given host. How can you
enforce consistency of access such that all eats and bytes
from the server appear to obey some serialization? What are
the performance ramifications of providing such consistency?
Death 9. Synchronization:
(9a) Briefly describe the principal differences between "doing
lunch" and "you MUST call me" primitives.
(9b) Describe problems which arise when distance vector routing
algorithms are used and how these may or may not be corrected
by "doing lunch."
(9c) How have the presence of hall monitors affected development
of these primitives?
Death 10. Distributed Shared Memory:
A single virtual address space can be supported simultaneously
across the (homogeneous) processors of a collection of worksta-
tions distributed across a local area network.
(10a)
Implement such a scheme.
(10b)
Integrate your scheme into the following three kernels, and
give performance estimates on the modified systems:
(1) UNIX
(2) OS/360
(3) THE
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Dec 91 17:35:49 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Reagan Learns About Nintendo
To: yucks-request
LOS ANGELES (AP)
Former President Reagan drew Christmas cards with youngsters
during a hospital visit in which he learned for the first time
about a popular video game.
"What's Nintendo?" Reagan asked when a teen-age patient inquired
whether he liked to play the electronic game. After hearing a
description of the pastime, Reagan said, "No."
Reagan and his wife, Nancy, went from bed to bed giving children
with cancer T-shirts reading, "Happy Holidays, With Love, President
and Mrs. Reagan."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 91 10:59:41 -0500
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Rum Runs
To: spaf
>From Earthweek column by Steve Newman in _The Atlanta Journal_ Dec 21.
An Indian Army camp in the eastern state of West Bengal is plagued
by a herd of elephants that regularly breaks in and guzzles the rum
supply in the main warehouse. New Delhi's _Statesman_ reported that
electric fences, bonfires and railings have been no match for the
invaders. The wily animals have learned to hose out the bonfires,
and to demolish electrified fences by smashing them with wooden logs
grasped in their trunks. Once inside the camp, they break open the
bottles of rum, then stagger away once they have had their fill.
Forest Department sources say the herd originally strayed into the
region from Bhutan in search of food, but instead developed a taste
for Army rum.
------------------------------
Date: 20 Dec 91 17:51:30 GMT
From: tim@TIS.COM (Timothy Samples)
Subject: More RUMORS ON AIDS
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
[This is for fans of conspiracy stories. It isn't particularly
humorous, but it is certainly bizarre and unusual. It is also quite
long, and the last item in this digest, so you can quit here if you
aren't interested in conspiracy theories. --spaf]
Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
PO BOX 1031
Mesquite, TX 75150
August 16, 1990
AIDSPLOT.ASC
AIDS as a Weapon of War
by Dr. William Campbell Douglas, M.D.
Introduction & Comments by Jim Shults
INTRODUCTION AND COMMENTS
I must admit I am just a little gun shy of doing this
particular article. The reason is pretty obvious. Who in hell is
going to plead guilty to inventing the AIDS virus. Do I think it
was invented? Absolutely and without a doubt.
Firstly, where in hell has it been during the last 5000 years?
Why haven't we had exposure to it sooner, like in the last 50 years?
All of a sudden certain countries and entire continents are
coming down with the AIDS virus and no organization, body, group, or
whatever you care to call it has even a clue to the real source, and
it sure as hell isn't some monkey in Africa, that's for sure.
Over the last twenty years the genetic scientists have been
having a filed day inventing all kinds of new "life." Some have
even been granted patents for their creatures, which are usually
various types of bacteria, etc.
One patent was granted for the invention, or more accurately
put, creation, of a type of bacteria that eats oil, handy for oil
spills I guess. Now do you think for even a second that a virus
like the AIDS virus couldn't be created with all the genetic
engineering that is going on around the world?
There are certain types of bacteria that are living in test
tubes in labs around the world that if released would cause the end
of mankind in less than a year.
The real question is why we allow these bozos to play in labs,
making all kinds of new and artificial life in the first place. It
is going to backfire, in fact the author already feels it has,
through the deliberate release of the HIV (human immunodeficiency
virus); that's what AIDS is really called.
Something extraordinary happened last June (88'), in fact it
was so extraordinary that nothing like it has ever happened before.
The Surgeon General of the United States had mailed to every
mail box and address in the United States a brochure attempting to
explain AIDS, its danger, myths and means of transmission. The
absolutely amazing thing about this was that it was done at
all.
Think of this for a minute: the U.S. Government mailed this
information to every address in America. That in itself should tell
all of us something that the media has somehow missed -- that this
is a population-destroying virus.
That really means that we all are in shit city, race fans, and
the Government know it. It is significant that they did the
mailing, and that should be very significant to anyone who knows
how our government works and what kind of very real panic those
who really know are experiencing.
When something like this brochure is made available as it was,
you can be very sure that the boys at the top, including the
scientific folks, are up against something they may not beat before
it has a very real chance of destroying at least half of mankind!
In fact, the fastest time even guessed at, for some kind of
beginning cure for some types of AIDS is at least five years and
that's thought to be impossible by medical people.
The author comes up with a very plausible scenario for how
rapidly AIDS has been distributed. (We are not blaming the
World Health Organization. In the author's scenario he simply
indicates that the WHO was used by others.)
Let's face it, we are in very real trouble. There are several
types of new AIDS viruses and more to be discovered, and who is to
say how the new ones, not yet mutated, will spread -- a sneeze
perhaps?
Our government and others around the world are not telling us
the truth about this stuff in order to protect our poor little dumb
minds. I suspect that if we know the truth, an enormous citizen
effort could be martialed worldwide which would probably shut down
the arms race for the time being.
Again, at the bottom line, we are in big trouble and "they"
know it....Many scientists predict we will lose half the world's
population (including U.S.) by the year 2000.
-- Jim Shults
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
William Campbell Douglass, M.D.
Age: 62
Education: BS, University of Rochester, New York;
MD, University of Miami School of
Medicine; Graduate, U.S. Navy School of
Aviation and Space Medicine
Career: U.S. Navy, 7 years -- Flight Surgeon.
In practice for over 25 years. Former
state president, Florida, American
College of Emergency Physicians.
Former Editor of the Journal of the
Sarasota County Medical Society.
Consulting Editor, Health Freedom News.
On Board of Governors of the National
Health Federation. Regular speaker at
the National Health Federation meetings
around the United States. Appears
regularly on radio and television
programs on health.
Doctor of the
Year: National Health Federation, 1985.
Dr. Douglass has studied in England with Dr. Katharina Dalton,
discoverer of the premenstrual syndrome. He was one of the
first doctors in the United States to diagnose and treat PMS.
He opened his PMS Clinic in 1981.
AIDS as a Weapon of War
William Campbell Douglass, M.D.
The great powers renounced chemical and biological warfare 20
years ago -- but kept right on experimenting. The germ warfare
experiments on Seventh Day Adventist soldiers,
1) the Tuskeegee syphilis experiments on prisoners,
2) the San Francisco Bay attack by the U.S. Army using
serratia marcescens bacteria,
3) the New York City subway germ attack
4 and many other experiments on humans, largely unknown to
the victims, continue in the free world.
In Novosybirsk, at the Ivanofsky Institute and other Soviet
centers of biological warfare, you can be sure that similar
diabolical experiments on humans continue at a frantic pace.
The Soviet press, always masters of the half truth, accused
the U.S. Army of having engineered the AIDS virus in the biological
warfare laboratories at Fort Detrick, Maryland.
This was a clever psy-war ploy which, for a while anyway,
neutralized those of us who were saying essentially the same thing,
that the AIDS virus was probably created through recombinant genetic
engineering (the rearranging of genes between two or more species of
plants or animal) and/or serial passage: the growing of a virus in
a series of generations of tissue culture cells or live animals,
thus adapting the virus to a new species, using human tissue culture
cells in the top security labs at Fort Detrick.
People started accusing us of spreading the communist line, not
a comfortable position for a dedicated anti-communist like myself.
What the Soviet propagandists didn't say was that their agents
had been working in our top security biological warfare laboratories
for over 20 years.
In a burst of brotherly love they were invited in by President
Nixon. The astounded communist scientists from Russia, the Eastern
Bloc and Communist china, who had been trying to penetrate this
vital security area for 40 years, quickly accepted.
They have been snickering in their beakers ever since, while
they prepare for our demise.
"It's no secret that they are there," Dr. Carlton Gajdusek,
Nobel Prize winner, a top official at the Fort Detrick Army
laboratory in Maryland, said in Onmi Magazine (March 1986): "In
the facility I have a building where more good and loyal communist
scientists from the USSR and mainland China work, with full passkeys
to all the laboratories, than there are American. Even the Army's
infectious disease unit is loaded with foreign workers who are not
always friendly nationals."
This answer to an interview question refers to the high number
of Soviet bloc scientists in this U.S. facility who act as
inspectors to ensure that we are not producing bacteriological
weapons in violation of treaties with the Soviets.
You can't put it more plainly than that. Even the Trojans
weren't that stupid: at least they didn't KNOW the Trojan horse
was full of soldiers.
When it became obvious to the Communist press that we were
getting the truth out about who was running things at Fort Detrick,
they completely reversed themselves and said it was all a mistake.
Everything was just fine at Fort Detrick.
To understand the enormity of our betrayal you must know about
the origin of the AIDS virus. The virologists of the world, the
sorcerers who brought us this ghastly plague, have a united front in
denying that the virus was laboratory-made from known, lethal animal
viruses.
The scientific party line is that a monkey in Africa with AIDS
bit a native on the butt. The native then went to town and gave it
to a prostitute who gave it to the local banker who gave it to his
wife and three girlfriends and what!
50 to 75 million people became infected with AIDS in Africa and
throughout the world. This is an entirely preposterous story, and
it is preposterous because:
1. The green velvet monkey of Africa doesn't get human AIDS. You
can't reproduce the disease in monkeys even by injecting AIDS
virus directly into them.
2. After injecting the virus into monkeys, you can't transmit it
to other monkeys, much less to humans.
3. Genetically, AIDS (HIV-1) is not even close to the monkey form
of immunodeficiency virus.
[Ed. Note: For references on the three items above,
see: Seale, Dr. John J.,
Royal Society of Medicine, Sept. 1987,
Seale, Dr. John J.,
The Origin of AIDS -- International
Conference on AIDS, Cairo, March 1988.]
4. AIDS started not in the villages but in the cities of Africa,
where there are no wild monkeys.
5. The doubling time of AIDS infection being about 12 months, one
monkey biting one native and then spreading the disease would
have taken 20 years to reach a million cases. Seventy-five
million Africans became infected practically simultaneously.
At the same time, the disease became rampant in the U.S.,
Haiti and Brazil.
It is obvious that one monkey couldn't have done that (or one
homosexual, either). There had to be some sort of simultaneous
seeding process.
The only worldwide simultaneous seeding going on at the same
time was the smallpox vaccine program of the World Health
Organization (the WHO).
The early epidemiology of the AIDS pandemic fits the smallpox
vaccination project of the WHO -- AND NOTHING ELSE -- with the
exception of the U.S., which we will examine subsequently.)
The AIDS virus was created in a laboratory by combining lethal
animal "retroviruses" in human cancer (HeLA) cell cultures. These
viruses have never before caused infection in man.
The "species barrier" has always been nature's way of keeping a
deadly virus from wiping out the entire animal kingdom, including
man. The myxoma virus of rabbits, for example, wiped out the rabbit
population of Europe, but man and other animals were not affected.
The sheep visna virus completely decimated the flocks of
Iceland, but no other animal was affected.
The virologists deny that the AIDS virus, HIV-1, is of animal
origin. I am sure that you see the paradox here. Aren't monkeys
animals?
They are also united in saying that it's not possible for the
virus to have been engineered in a laboratory. If it didn't come
from other animals and it didn't come from a laboratory, and they
now admit privately that the monkey couldn't have done it, then it
must have come out of thin air. That's a theological position and
hence beyond argument. It's certainly not scientific.
These scientists who have created this monstrous problem in
their sorcerer's retrovirology laboratories are constantly caught in
their own lies.
The line goes: "The AIDS virus could not have been engineered
in a laboratory because the technology wasn't available until
recently."
Icelandic scientists combined the sheep visna virus with human
tissue cells over 20 years ago. The technology has been refined in
recent years, but the basic process has been actively used in labs
all over the world for long before the AIDS virus made its dramatic
appearance.
But the scientists hold fast in their denial of culpability.
Professor William Jarrett said, when asked about the possibility of
AIDS arising from animal retroviruses, "That is like someone saying
babies come out of cabbages."5
Dr. Robert Gallo said that people who claim AIDS was
manufactured artificially are "either insane or communists."6
Dr. Luis Montagnier, the discoverer of the AIDS virus, said,
"In 1970 there was not enough knowledge in genetic engineering to
make such a virus starting from already existing viruses."7 (See
Icelandic experiments mentioned above.)
This tower of lies must eventually fall of its own weight.
Then what? Where do we look for a solution? Certainly not from
the people who caused the disaster.
But where? -- the Pentagon? The Pentagon is supporting
research on biological warfare in over 100 federal and private
laboratories, including those at many prominent universities.8 Yet,
Neil Levitt, who worked for 17 years at the Army Infectious Disease
Institute, says, "It's a joke...there's no defense against these
kinds of organisms. And if you can't defend against something, then
why are we pouring more and more money in it? There's something
else going on that we don't know about."9
Some joke.
A short virology lesson will help you understand that AIDS is
indeed an animal virus and that it was laboratory-made as a weapon
of biological warfare against the free world.
A basic rule of virology is that if two viruses have the same
shape, design and size, then they are almost certainly the same
virus (a very simple and easy to understand rule).10
For example, this virus:
-----------
|==| ||| |
-----------
... a virus of bacteria (bugs have diseases, too), doesn't look
anything like this virus:
___________
/ \
/ ~~~~~~~ \
\ /
\___________/
... a virus of ticks that's transmitted to pigs, or this virus:
__________
____/ ~~~~ \
/ ______/
\________/
... which is found in horses.
The AIDS virus, which "couldn't have come from animal
viruses" is almost certainly a recombinant virus from fusing a
cattle virus, bovine leukemia virus:
=
*
=* *=
=* ++++ *=
=* *=
*
=
...with sheep visna virus:
*
* *
* ==== *
* *
*
You combine the two in human tissue culture cells and you get bovine
visna virus:
=
*
=* *=
=* ==== *=
=* *=
*
=
... A VIRUS THAT HERETOFORE DID NOT EXIST -- a product of man,
engineered in a laboratory.
Now, if you isolate the AIDS virus from an infected human, it
looks like this:
=
*
=* *=
=* ==== *=
=* *=
*
=
It doesn't look like this (the tick virus):
__________
____/ ~~~~ \
/ ______/
\________/
... or this (the cattle virus):
=
*
=* *=
=* ++++ *=
=* *=
*
=
It looks like THIS:
=
*
=* *=
=* ==== *=
=* *=
*
=
... the recombinant virus from cattle and sheep AND ITS CALLED
AIDS. You don't have to be a genius to understand this. Any
properly instructed 10-year-old can understand it ....
But, some alert reader will say, we don't give smallpox
vaccinations in the U.S., so how do you explain the simultaneous
outbreak of AIDS in Africa, Brazil and Haiti, where they did indeed
give the vaccine, and in the U.S., where they didn't give the
vaccine?
Simple. The homosexual community was used as a large group of
experimental animals through the hepatitis-B program. It didn't
take many infected homosexuals among the I.V. drug users to quickly
spread the disease among a large percentage of the addicts due to
the near certainly of infection through direct intravenous insertion
of the virus.
To understand the seeding of AIDS among homosexuals (and
eventually to the rest of us through bisexuals unless drastic action
is taken), you must know about a character with the strange name of
Wolf Szmuness. His life story will seem bizarre to you unless, like
me, you have a conspiratorial turn of mind.
Dr. Szmuness was a Polish Jew who supposedly ended up in a
Siberian labor camp during World War II. But after the war he
somehow became a privileged person, was sent to medical school in
Tomsk, Russia, and married a Russian woman. Hardly typical
treatment of an enemy of the Soviet state [under Stalin.
Szmuness' biographer said that Wolf was always reluctant to
discuss "those dark years in Siberia." Maybe he wasn't in Siberia.
If he [actually] was, he certainly wasn't shoveling salt.
In 1959 the Soviet government "allowed" him to practice in
Poland in a public health capacity. Standard policy in all
Communist countries is never to allow all members of a family to
travel out of the country to the West at the same time.
This eliminates 98 percent of all defection attempts. I have
physician friends in Hungary, for example. He can go to a meeting
anywhere in the world if she stays home. She can go if he stays
home. They can both go if the children are left at home. But in
1969, the entire Szmuness family was allowed by communist Poland to
go to a medical meeting in Italy. At that time they "defected" and
moved to New York City.
WITH NO AMERICAN CREDENTIALS WHATSOEVER, he immediately got a
job as a "lab technician" at the New York City Blood Center. Within
a very few years this Polish immigrant was GIVEN HIS OWN LAB, a
separate department of epidemiology was created for him at the blood
bank and he, like the chrysalis turning into a butterfly, changed
into a FULL PROFESSOR OF EPIDEMIOLOGY AT THE COLUMBIA MEDICAL
SCHOOL!
In six years this "lab tech" became a full professor AND THEN
WENT BACK TO MOSCOW for a scientific presentation and was received
as a dignitary, not a defector.
We tell you this amazing story because in retrospect it is
obvious that Wolf Szmuness was a carefully groomed ... agent,
planted here after years of preparation, to instigate biological
warfare against the American people.
Szmuness, with the full cooperation and financial support of
the U.S. Center for Disease Control and the National Institutes of
Health,11 masterminded the hepatitis-B vaccine experimental program
used on homosexual men.
He insisted that only young, promiscuous homosexuals be allowed
to participate in the experiment. The experiment started in New
York at the blood bank in November 1978.
THE EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE WAS PRODUCED in a government
supervised laboratory.12 The study was completed in October 1979.
Within 10 years, most of these young men would be dead or dying from
AIDS.
In 1980 the program was expanded to major cities all across the
U.S. In the fall of 1980 the first AIDS case was reported in San
Francisco. Eight years later most of the homosexuals in San
Francisco are infected, dead or dying.
Szmuness did not live to see the fruition of this larger
experiment. He died of cancer in 1982.
In 1986 Dr. Cladd Stevens, one of Szmuness's collaborators,
penned an astonishing report that did not make your local newspaper.
She reported that the majority of the homosexuals in the
experimental program were infected with the AIDS virus.13 The AIDS-
laced vaccine, through the bridge of bisexual men, now infects as
many as three million Americans. Mission accomplished.
AIDS was not the first germ warfare attack against Americans.
In the early '60s, millions of unsuspecting Americans took
either Salk injected polio vaccine or the live Sabin polio vaccine,
which was taken by mouth.
BOTH WERE LACED WITH S.V.-40, A CANCER-CAUSING MONKEY VIRUS.14
With an incubation period of 20 years, we are only now seeing
the grim results of this bio-attack against Americans, largely in
the form of brain tumors and leukemia.
Salk didn't like the Sabin vaccine and Sabin didn't like the
Salk vaccine. I think they are both right. It is interesting to
note that polio was rapidly disappearing WITHOUT a vaccine (J. Trop.
Pediat, env. Child. Health 21, 11) ....
Our Soviet enemies not only instigated the AIDS epidemic
through clandestine agents within our government, but they now
control, through the World Health Organization, the AIDS policies of
the free world.
You are probably not aware that the international AIDS
prevention program of the World Health Organization (WHO) is run by
the Soviets.
You don't believe it? Call WHO and ask them who is in charge
in Europe. If you want to save your nickel I'll tell you. He's a
Russian named Bysencho and he operates out of Copenhagen....
The Soviets control the response to AIDS of the entire free
world at many levels, including the top. Dr. Sergei Litvinov,
the coordinator of all task forces on AIDS at the WHO, is a high
official in the Soviet Ministry of Health. Allegedly Litvinov
gave out the order to our scientists and medical organizations in
the western world not to discuss the real cause of the epidemic.
At a secret meeting (information supplied the author from a
confidential source) between the editors of Lancet, the highly
respected British medical publication, and a group of the leading
retrovirologists of the world, it was decided not to publish any
academic discussion about the possible artificial creation of the
AIDS virus in a laboratory.
They particularly agreed not to make any mention of world-
renowned biologist Isaac Farlane Bernet's published remarks that
molecular biology may get out of hand like atomic physics and be
used for evil purposes and "practical applications of molecular
biology to cancer research might be sinister."
Other medical journals such as Science and JAMA have
lockstepped with Lancet and put all references to the man-made
origins of AIDS down the memory hole.
Did Comrade Litvinov have a little talk with the
retrovirologists? They, of course, wouldn't need any encouragement
from the Soviet [WHO] bosses to attempt a little coverup of their
own heinous crime, but Lancet, the British Medical Journal, and the
New England Journal of Medicine are another matter.
It took some powerful and sinister forces indeed to get these
respected publications to cover up the crime of the millennium.
The notable exception to this appalling censorship of mass
murder is Professor Harding Rains, Editor of the Journal of the
Royal Society of Medicine. Rains refers to "a conspiracy of
silence" covering the allegation that AIDS was man-made. I hope
Dr. Rains is watching his backside.
Dr. Zhores Medvedev, unlike Bysencho and Litvinov, supposedly
is a Russian exile. Medvedev operates out of London at the National
Institute for Medical Research. He's a senior research scientist
who continues to communicate freely with his supposed enemies in the
Soviet biowarfare laboratories, but we lack the space to catalog all
the details [here].
Medvedev is spreading the disinformation that AIDS is rampant
in Russia due to the escape of the virus from a laboratory, a sort
of biological Chernobyl.
This tends to divert suspicion away from Litvinov, Szmuness and
the other reds that President Nixon allowed to penetrate our
biological warfare laboratories at Fort Detrick, Maryland.
Having the Soviets "control" the spread of AIDS in the West has
let to some interesting paradoxes. Our masters in the U.S. tell us
that there shall be absolutely no restrictions on travel between
various parts of the non-Communist world by persons who test
positive for AIDS.
Surgeon General C.E. Koop supports this Soviet policy of
biological suicide. (Are those the instructions he received when he
made his trip to Moscow, where the WHO has set up its main AIDS
research center?)
But, our Soviet masters in the WHO tell us, this open policy of
international travel does not apply to the communist bloc of
nations. If you or I were to visit Moscow and tested positive for
the AIDS virus, POW! -- out on the next plane!
If they stay clean through their immigration policies and we
die because of the immigration policies imposed on us through the
U.N.-controlled World "Health" Organization, who needs atomic bombs
for world conquest?
Cuba, Dr. John Seale informs me, has a strict asylum system for
the AIDS-infected. When their troops come back from "liberating"
Africans, they are tested as they get off the boat.
If tested positive the soldier goes directly to hell --
euphemistically called a sanitarium. He can visit his family
occasionally, but only in the presence of a commissar called a
"health official (no hanky-panky).
Unless the West gets its act together and closes down the U.N.
genocide division called the WHO, freedom and decency will disappear
from planet Earth for a thousand years. But the problem goes much
deeper.
How do you close down the U.S. government laboratories such as
the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the National Institute of
Health (NIH) and the Fort Detrick bio-warfare lab when the
perpetrators of the crime are in control at all levels?
I don't know the answer. *****
_________________________
1 Project Whitecoat, to be published in Health Freedom News,
P.O. Box 688, Monrovia CA 91016/Subscription $20.00 per year.
2 Bad Blood, J.H. Jones, MacMillan, NY, 1982.
3 Common Cause Magazine, Jan./Feb. 1988.
4 First aids Report, March/April 1988.
5 Private communication, John Seale, M.D., 1988
6 Ibid.
7 First International Conference on the Global Impact of aids,
London, March 8-10, 1988.
8 New Scientist, London, 5/19/88.
9 Science News, 133:100, 2/13/88.
10 Joklik, Virology, 2nd edition, pp. 36 ff.
11 AIDS and the Doctors of Death, Cantwell, Aries Rising Press,
Los Angeles,p.76.
12 Ibid.
13 Ibid.
14 Salk/Sabin s.v.-40 Proc. Nat'l Acad. Sci., vol. 77, #8,
p. 4861, and Atlantic Monthly, 2/76.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
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