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Yucks Digest V1 #85
Yucks Digest Sun, 22 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 85
Today's Topics:
administrivia
100 Girls Stripped In India
belly-dancing
Bondage and Discipline in Government
Computer Predicts Baby Faces
Confessions of a Micro-Surgeon
Dangerous address
Institute of Fuzzy Science: Crank Unified Theories
Official Editor of the KGB
QUESTION ABOUT AN ARTICLE/AD [HELP!]
Yucks candidate
m/f/h/v? - (nf)
Vegetarian/Vegan (Now What is Vegan?)
net personals ... a pointer to a proposal
net personals ... a pointer to a proposal (tonga plugs) (2 msgs)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun Sep 22 15:19:48 EST 1991
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: yucks
I haven't gotten many submissions for Yucks this week, so I'm including
five old postings from my archives that I recently dug up for someone
else.
Two are related to my presence as the only admitted extra-terrestrial on
the net, back around 1983-1984. Many net old-timers still remember
me as Spaf the Vegan. There were other postings like these, but I
can't find 'em in my archives.
The other three, also at the end, started off as a thread in the old
net.singles, way back when, after someone proposed a net.personals to
handle "classified" ads for net-dates. I posted the ultimate personal
ad, as written by John Caldwell (the cartoonist) in his book "The Book
of Ultimates" (McGraw-Hill, 1983). Someone then asked about something
in the ad, and the two subsequent posts were made.
Back then, I had time to indulge in writing humorous prose. Now, I
have to call it "research" and submit it for funding. It's still
fiction and humorous, but much more subtle.
Send me some funny stuff for Yucks so I don't inflict my archives on
you again!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Sep 91 12:49:38 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: 100 Girls Stripped In India
To: yucks-request
NEW DELHI, India (AP)
Two teachers at a girls school forced about 100 teen-age students
to strip naked during a search for 150 rupees ($6) that a girl said
was stolen from her, police and news reports said Sunday.
"When we protested, they pulled us by our hair and pushed us into
the room," one of the girls was quoted as saying by the Indian
Express newspaper.
The incident Friday at Laxmi Devi Jain Girls Senior Secondary
School involved girls 15 and 16 years old, police said. The money was
not found, said a spokesman who cannot be identified under briefing
rules.
One girl said the clothes of students who resisted were thrown
into an open courtyard, where the students had to dress in front of
male staff members, the newspaper said. It said the girl cried as she
spoke Saturday.
The school management suspended the principal, Shailbala Gupta,
librarian Urmila Gambhir, and physical education instructor Ranjit
Kaur Bakshi, police said. The spokesman said they have been charged
with assault with intent to outrage modesty.
"They told us we should get used to such searches and thank our
stars that it is women like our mothers who are searching us," the
Indian Express quoted another girl as saying.
The Hindustan Times newspaper said the girl who lost the money,
identified only as Ruchi, also was asked to undress and was accused
of lying when the searches failed to turn up the money.
On Saturday, some residents tried to grab Ms. Gambhir "as if to
strip her" when she emerged from her home near the school, the Indian
Express said.
The daily said Ms. Gambhir kept her head buried in a pillow on her
bed when visited by reporters. It said she spoke only once: "I did it
all for their good and they are behaving as if I poisoned them."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 91 23:57:11 -0400
From: dalex@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Dave Alexander)
Subject: belly-dancing
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
> I just read a reference to Friday's _Tech_ (MIT's student
> paper) regarding a physics professor who brought in a
> bellydancer to demonstrate "oscillatory motion".
This reminds me of a story.
When I was at CalTech, this would have been sometime around
'80 or '81, I used to go to the Physics Colloquia regularly,
as they had by far the best refreshments, except that Geology
Club had good doughnuts, but they never had quite enough and
the Astronomy Dept. was really lame and don't even ask about
the Planetary Science talks, which were the only ones that I
was really supposed to go to, but where was I?
Ah, yes, I went to a Physics Colloquium given by a Dr. Howard
Berg entitled "Rotary Motion in Nature: How Bacteria Swim"
and it was an interesting talk describing what happens from
a physical point of view that makes it possible for dinoflagellates
(that's what they're called, isn't it?) and the like to have
tails which go around and around instead of from side to side
and, if you think about it, Nature doesn't provide too many
examples of rotary motion. Besides the Wheelers in Oz, what
animals have invented the wheel?
So, anyway, questions were supposed to be saved for the end,
but someone asked a question right in the middle of the talk,
he asked "Dr. Berg, do you know of any instances of rotary
motion in higher organisms?" and Dr. Berg paused for only a
moment to think about what was being asked, but that's all it
took, because there was a quick burst on a snare drum and the
lights went down and a spot illuminated the doorway and in
walked a woman in standard belly dancing trim, later identified
as "Jamie, the Wonder Stripper," and she had the long tassels
on her nipples and she began to gyrate and the tassels began
to rotate and it was a fascinating, uh, scientific demonstration.
Dr. Howard Berg had only planned to pause for a moment to
collect his thoughts before answering the question, but it
turned out to be quite a while before he was able to say
anything.
Yes, the physics of rotary motion really came alive for us
that day.
[This wasn't related to the previous article -- the two just got
mushed together this way by the digest software. Of course, it is
possible that Jamie went to school at Laxmi Devi Jain school, but
I hope she didn't. That's in case you wondered. If you didn't
wonder, don't ask why I might suppose you might wonder. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 91 01:13:39 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Bondage and Discipline in Government
To: yucks-request
[Think how this could work in the U.S.! It could make
watching C-SPAN a whole new experience. Maybe they're
reading alt.sex.bondage down in Manila?]
Angry official ties absentee aide to his chair
MANILA, Sept 18 (AFP) - An irate provincial governor in the
eastern Philippines purchased dog collars and chained one of his
absentee aides to the foot of his chair to ensure that he was on call
anytime, the Daily Globe newspaper said here Wednesday.
Albay Governor Romeo Salalima had been incensed to discover that
of his seven executive assistants, only two reported to work every
day, with the rest showing up only every two weeks to collect their
salaries.
Salalima decided to talk to all of them a week ago, but to his
dismay only two, as usual, were on hand.
The governor then ordered an employee to go out and buy dog
chains, which his subordiates assumed would be used for stray dogs,
one of his pet campaigns.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 91 23:38:12 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Computer Predicts Baby Faces
To: yucks-request
Computer Predicts Baby Faces
TOKYO (AP)
For couples who worry how their unborn child will look, or how
they themselves will appear after 40 years of marriage, an
electronics company says it has the answer.
Matsushita Electric Industrial Co. says it has developed a
computer program that can use photographs of faces to predict the
aging process, or turn the clock back to produce a more youthful
image.
By combining the facial characteristics of the prospective
parents, it can produce a portrait of a likely offspring, the company
says.
"We've had lots of contacts from wedding halls that are interested
in using the system at receptions to show the newlyweds' future
children," says Matsushita's Masahiro Hamada.
The system, which Matsushita hopes to market soon, consists of a
personal computer with a special program and an added circuit board.
Initially, it is likely to be sold as a package for about the same
price as a regular home computer, Hamada says. Later, the program and
board may be sold separately.
The computer analyzes facial characteristics from a photograph
based on shading and color differences, and then creates a
three-dimensional model in its memory that can be altered in a
variety of ways.
The face can be turned for a view from another angle. Or, using
processing rules for facial expressions, a sad expression can be
changed into a smile, or the mouth made to move as if it were
speaking, Matsushita says.
Particular facial areas can be changed, allowing a plastic surgeon
to show patients the effects of proposed surgery, or a police artist
to put together an image of a suspect.
To send an adult back to childhood, the program uses information
on changes in facial bone structure as children develop and reverses
the process, Matsushita says. To simulate aging in an adult, the
image accounts for extra skin near the eyes and additional fat
between the skin and bones.
The program can even predict what it would be like to have a child
with a movie star, Hamada says.
"One of our engineers tried combining his picture with one of
Marilyn Monroe. He was very proud of how beautiful the child was."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Sep 91 08:34:34 CDT
From: "Dr. Electro, M.D." <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Confessions of a Micro-Surgeon
To: yucks
Why, oh why, couldn't you have left that document in your archives
(Volume 1 Issue 84; Section of article: [page 3] 'Silent Terror
Fable for Chief Executive Officers' ), or better
yet have destroyed it? It's generated some real guilt feelings
that will only be assuaged by a full confession. (I've temporarily
appropriated someone else's network ID, so don't try finding me.)
>From approximately mid 1972 until late 1989 I was leader of an
E.H.F.E.I.T. (Eyebrow Hair Follicle Electrode Implantation Team,
pronounced eh-FIGHT). Each team (I have no idea how many there were,
but I know they were, and probably still are, active all over the
world) consisted of three people: the leader who was a highly skilled
micro-surgeon, an anesthesiologist, and a surgical nurse. We wore
black ninja outfits for stealth and concealment, and carried
sophisticated electronic monitoring equipment and lock-picking tools.
We would pick a fairly average citizen (no one well known or with
any financial or political power), break into their house around
midnight, and anesthetize them immediately (also any other family
members or pets who might be troublesome). The operation involved
implanting miniature electrodes at the base of each eyebrow hair
deep in the follicle and took anywhere from three to five hours
depending on the B.F. (Bushiness Factor). We always got out
before daylight and, to the best of our knowledge, we were never
detected.
You may agree that this is an enormous amount of time, talent, and
effort to expend for something that seems trivial. Au contraire!
Imagine our enjoyment and delight when, in the next few days,
we transmit our 'tom-tom' radio signal and our victim's eyebrows
actually itch! As if that isn't enough reward for our trouble,
when the victim scratches, the hairs actually fall out!!
We never really knew the person responsible for issuing our
orders; we received them via electrodes which had been implanted
in our own brains some time earlier (I was able to 'retire' due
to some do-it-yourself surgery in 1989). All we knew about him
was that he was known as E.I.E.I.O. (Eyebrow International
Electrode Implantation Officer). Supposedly he lives on a farm
somewhere and presumedly owns a chain of fastfood restaurants.
Thanks, I feel better now.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Sep 91 10:30:04 GMT
From: jimmy@pyra.co.uk (Jimmy Aitken)
Subject: Dangerous address
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Guardian of 8th August reposrts that the U.S publishers of a book
on sky diving, called "Easy Sky Diving", have hurriedly recalled all
copies of the book to insert an erratum slip. It reads: "Please make
the following correction. On page 8 line 7, `State zip code' should
read `Pull rip cord'."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Sep 91 23:30:06 GMT
From: brun@tybalt.caltech.edu (Todd A. Brun)
Subject: Institute of Fuzzy Science: Crank Unified Theories
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This was my second Institute of Fuzzy Science bulletin. Readers of
sci.physics, among others, should appreciate it.
Crank Unified Theories: The CUTting edge of Fuzzy Science
Quite recently the Institute of Fuzzy Science has announced
the discovery of several bold new theories, providing a unified
explanation, or at least excuse, for a broad range of natural
phenomena. These theories are both extremely ambitious in their
scope and modest in their assumptions. Their main trait is that
they deduce a great deal from practically nothing.
The creation of Crank Unified Theories is an old and honorable
tradition, dating back to prehistoric times, when our ancient
ancestors looked around them and asked "How the heck did *this* all
get here?" The process was lent considerable prestige by such
luminaries as Aristotle and Ptolemy, in the classical age, and
continues up to this day. One recent idea by a worker outside the
Institute was Photon Mechanics, which postulated that all
fundamental particles were composed of photons. In an attempt to
prove this, he tried to synthesize a meal from gamma rays.
Unfortunately, the food immediately propagated away at 299,000
kilometers per second, leaving critics of the light lunch
unsatisfied.
"Terrible," one physicist commented. "Much too bland." Others
seemed to agree.
The CUTs produced at the Institute of Fuzzy Science are
notable in that they all contradict each other, and sometimes
themselves. Thus, few would argue that all, or even most, are
correct. The most successful theory to date is that of Dr. Isaac M.
Woozy, commonly known as Woozy Theory. Woozy Theory has
proven capable of predicting practically anything you put to it.
What is Woozy Theory? In its simplest outlines, it is an
attempt to describe nature by unifying three separate realms of
observation: General Relativity, Quantum Mechanics, and Scrabble.
By adopting a three pronged approach the theory is able to resolve
the apparent contradictions between each of the sub-theories.
"I believe that the problems of earlier researchers," stated Dr.
Woozy, "arose from treating the subjects piecemeal. A unified
approach is required." He cites difficulties with Superstring
Theory, Quantum Scrabble, and Scrabble in Curved Spacetime. In
each case, he maintains, difficulties arose from neglecting a broad
class of other phenomena. "My discovery was serendipitous," he
recalls. "I'd been wrestling with various theories for weeks
without getting anywhere. Finally, in my office, I picked up
Merzbacher's Quantum Mechanics in one hand and Misner, Thorne and
Wheeler's Gravitation in the other -- well, I touched it, anyway,
it's too heavy to lift. Just as I was staring at both of them, my
Scrabble set fell from the top shelf and hit me on the head."
With the blow came illumination. If one merely assumes that
Scrabble must exist, the rest of nature follows. Gravity, for
example, is necessary to keep the pieces on the board.
Electromagnetism provides light, to see the letters with. One
critic pointed out the possibility of magnetized pieces; Woozy
pondered for hours until he had resolved the conflict to his
satisfaction.
"One not only needs gravity to keep the pieces on the board," he
explained, "but also to provide an atmosphere, so the players can
breathe." When the critic began to suggest pressure suits and
space colonies, Woozy silenced him with a skillfully thrown
paperweight.
"I take my work seriously," he declared.
Most exciting of all, Woozy theory provides the first coherent
explanation for the universe as a whole. If Scrabble is necessary,
then so are players, and a universe to play in. Woozy calls this the
"Really Strong" or "Scrabble" Anthropic Principle. Humans (or at
least intelligent beings) are necessary, providing an order to
biological evolution which has been lacking since the failure of the
Chain of Being. This also suggests that if aliens exist, they may
well play Scrabble.
"That doesn't mean that they will speak English, necessarily,"
Woozy added cautiously. "There are foreign language versions,
after all. And the point values may differ, somewhat." He
suggested to SETI that they listen for very long range Play By Mail
games. At present, his suggestion has not been acted on.
"They're just miffed that they didn't think of it," Woozy
sniffed.
Rival theories include unifying QFT and GR with chess or
checkers, or even tic-tac-toe. While the originators of these
theories remain hopeful, Woozy is pessimistic.
"Those games are extremely difficult to unify with Quantum
Mechanics," Woozy explained, "since they lack an element of chance.
And tic-tac-toe doesn't even have pieces, so gravity is pretty
shaky as well. Plus it's a drawn game (no pun intended). Who'd
want to live in a universe that boring?" Woozy also recalled an
early game of quantum chess: "After about thirty moves, black was
both mated and not mated. It made for terrible arguments."
Are these, or similar theories, the answer to the riddle of the
universe? Most observers doubt it. Still, as Dr. Woozy himself
points out, "What the heck, it keeps us off the streets."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Sep 91 10:48:41 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Official Editor of the KGB
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From THE ECONOMIST, 14 September 1991, p. 106:
Nor were the "secrets" the hackers encountered as scintillating as
the press supposed. Asked to look over the list of software
purchased by the KGB, one American security expert concluded:
"The Russians were rooked." The KGB paid several thousand
dollars for a word processor, called GNU Emacs, which is widely
distributed free in western universities.
------------------------------
Date: 18 Sep 91 15:24:25 GMT
From: al@gtx.com (Alan Filipski)
Subject: QUESTION ABOUT AN ARTICLE/AD [HELP!]
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
In article <11076@awdprime.UUCP> ken@batman.austin.ibm.com (Ken Goach) writes:
>Here's another I've kept for two years trying to figure out.
>If you got the original article/ad figured out, try this.
>I have a few questions at the end. I typed this in exactly
>as it appeard in the classified ad - the only thing I did
>was delete the man's name and address.
>####################AD STARTS##############################
>I'm the man and Jesus Christ that the late President John
>F. Kennedy referred to by shouting out loud that "We have
>control of the mind," shaking all over, at the end of a
>press conference in January 1961. In 1953, I separated a
>round, gold soul from my head which was going around in a
. . .
This sounds like Dan Ashwander. You can get more stuff by him,
including his booklet and tape, from Donna Kossy at the Out-of-Kontrol
Data Institute. Her address is:
Out-of-Kontrol Data Institute
P.O. Box 953
Allston, MA 02134
I don't know if you'll ever "figure it out", though.
Let me put in a plug for Donna: she is not a kook, but she publishes
"KOOKS" magazine, which presents information about people who are out
of the mainstream of consensus reality. She does not ridicule them,
but presents their beliefs in a matter-of-fact way and allows you to
draw your own conclusions. I like the kooks and feel that she does,
too. Get a sample copy of KOOKS from her at the address above, $5
postpaid, checks payable to Donna Kossy.
I am not connected with her or the Institute, except as a
satisfied subscriber.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Sep 91 14:06:38 CDT
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: Yucks candidate
To: spaf
Happy Birthday Fortran!
09/20 Harlan Herrick runs first FORTRAN program, 1954
I wonder where Harlan is today,
jdl
[Probably still debugging the program. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 91 08:53:00 EDT
From: pdv@usday32.daytonoh.ncr.com
When word went around that AT&T was going to take over NCR,
people wondered if AT&T would change NCR's name. Some
speculations came about...
Maybe they would call NCR, Cash Registers and Phones (CRAP)...
AT&T said that it would let NCR remain NCR.
Just the other day, AT&T pulled a sneaky...
NCR is now the Networked, Computing Resource of AT&T.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 13-Nov-83 18:20:29 EST
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Subject: m/f/h/v? - (nf)
Newsgroups: net.misc,net.jokes,net.singles
B. Walsh asks if Vegans have gender. The answer is definitely "yes."
Gender is a differentiation amongst the various roles needed in sexual
reproduction within a species...or lack of roles in the case of asexual
reproduction. Thus, lack of sex in reproduction implies a single
gender and a distinct lack of excitement on weekends, as you will no
doubt discover on any date with a Xerox machine.
If we examine the four major genders of which you earthlings are aware
(male sex, female sex, insects, and religious sects) it is difficult to
note the roles played by each in the reproductive cycle. This also
doesn't take into account the activities of individuals like Catherine
the Great, Larry Flynt, and members of Congress.
Vegans recognize approximately 73,241 genders (as of last count). At
puberty, each young hatchling undergoes the "maturity ritual" whereby
they choose a name, and a gender is registered. This is accomplished
through a rather complicated ritual involving 2 Neptunians, a toaster
oven, a catcher's mitt, an Emperor penguin, 3 pine cones and a
bilingual moose. This is roughly equivalent to a Bar Mitzveh, but with
considerably more trauma to the moose. Once the ceremony is through
and we have established our identity, we spend the next few hundred
years attempting to determine just what the "opposite sex" really is,
and then find a date for the annual office party. Until that time,
most of us either settle for the moose or the catcher's mitt, although
a few deviants have been seen consorting with used car salesmen.
I hope this helps clear up the matter.
Off the Wall of Gene Spafford
------------------------------
Date: unknown
From: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Vegetarian/Vegan (Now What is Vegan?)
Newsgroups: misc.consumers,rec.humor
In article <5293@whuts.ATT.COM> spf@whuts.ATT.COM (Steve Frysinger of Blue Feather Farm) writes:
>BUT WHAT IS VEGAN? I'm especially intrigued because the poster said
>that all vegans they knew didn't eat honey (an animal product). I'm
>curious about this, and my inquiring mind wants to know why. Also, do
>vegans wear wool or silk? Leather?
Glad you asked these, Steve. Being a Vegan, I'll be happy to answer.
Vegans are any of the native peoples of the three inhabited planets of
the star Vega. Many of us are here on your planet studying you Earthlings,
eating your pizza, and impregnating your women. We'd be impregnating our
own women if they were here, but Vegan women are rowdy and would be out
impregnating Earthmen -- far too conspicuous, I'm afraid.
As to honey, well, yes we do eat honey, but not by itself. When we're
wearing that silk and leather is usually when that happens. That's related
to Vegan gender, a topic I enlightened the Usenet about in 1983
(Sun, Nov 13 in fact -- Vegans have long memories and good archives)
(copies on request).
Some animal products, like fur, we don't eat. Our dietary habits are
much like Earthlings, except we don't eat anything named after Smurfs,
we avoid cheese "foods," we like cinnamon in our Big Macs, and there is
never, ever room for Jello. Some of us have odd preferences, though. I
did have a cousin who used to eat bowling balls -- I think it was just
an excuse to eat the rosin.
I hope that helps answer your question, Steve. Don't hesitate to ask
if you have more -- no one believes we're here anyhow.
------------------------------
Date: December 1984
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Subject: net personals ... a pointer to a proposal
Newsgroups: net.motss,net.singles,net.social,net.news.group
Sirs:
SLIM WHITE MALE, aged 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have
tattoo (dogs, butterflies okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes).
Must own late-model foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should
be well tanned, blue eyed, blond (sunny yellow, not platinum or
dishwater) and have own luggage. Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar
with multiple body-rub techniques. Must have own chili recipe (no
celery). Must bathe, not shower. Must have working command of Latin
(hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it). Should have own
collection of Johnny Tillotson records. Command of knots is vital.
Must adore the color red. Must be willing to submit to oral-pedal
penetration. Must have firm, long, well-lacquered nails. Must enjoy
buttock derision and rum puppies. Must be into body paint by numbers.
Should have high-pitched squeals and throaty grunts. Must be expert
with Chinese brim pluckers. Must know available hedopropylist for
group knee bends. Must be well versed in pasta fixations. Must have
own flesh-pulley equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission
reels and wrestling magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition,
bagged for clean and easy storage). Must possess own lifelike false
face and iron-on refrigerator decals. Must be familiar with various
fun party games, such as Supermarket Peekaboo, and Who's Got the Guppy
Wrench? Must be heavily into nostalgia. Must collect ice-cream scoops
and beer-can molds. Must have variegated nipples (1" to 1-1/4"
horizontal only...minor variance of up to 1/16" okay). Must have own
seltzer bed and tugbowl equipment. Should have bright disposition and
long fuse. Must have own set of tonga plugs (his, hers, like new, or
forget it). Must be able to decipher the following: FHDSS YR F
MDXSZHDVN HD FKKKKLAVM, JFFE TI! DNQQD HDL CLSKDIAZZIRT? Clue: Y = Y.
Must be patient, discreet and charming. Must have semi-pro porno
background and yet be technically a virgin (please, no
bicycle-seat/picket-fence tales). Must have northern European
background, with papers to prove it. Should know and be capable of
tutoring others in the traditional cross-country donkey paddle. Must
have own collection of porcelain barnyard animals. Should enjoy
cinnamon suppository treatment and wearing Victorian corsets. Must
know Japanese secret of Jell-O inflation. Can be pensive but not
moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean it) of
ketchup. Should enjoy keeping copious notes. Must be able to compose
own satirical Gregorian chants. Must like pizza, beer and
country-and-western music (own jukebox would be nice, but not
necessary). Should be acquainted with the many uses of cable grips and
lockstraws. Can't be shocked by my drag habits and trans-species
getups. Must chain-smoke and be gifted with accompanying hoarse cough
(bellowing, rippling and liquid...I love it). Multiple credit cards a
necessity. Must not have job. Should be well versed in Benji bells
and seed puckers, and be willing to share the dual joys of my
baked-bean-bag chair. Must blush on command, and have a dreamy kind of
toilet wit about herself. Must realize "A shaved private part is the
way to my heart!" Should know what a Toe Bunny is and be willing to eat
one if necessary. Must stay for the night. Must be willing to submit
to oriental weight training and cigar bends. Should be blessed with a
housewife's sense of the carnally absurd. Own lubrication devices a
must. College degree okay. Must prefer the spelling t-e-a-t-s to the
vulgarized American version. Should exercise a modicum of discretion
when performing oral sex in crowded restaurants. Must be willing to
tutor me in bathtub bowling and capricious restroom behavior. Should
be lithe enough to perform prolonged monolingus. Must have pleasant
(not too professional) smile.
No weirdos, KM freaks, sock bandits, Germans, riot types, caviar mechanics,
funnel gunners, bartenders, whale shapes, fannie floats, screamers, scotch
mongers, scarfaces, nose bleeders, nurses, sharecroppers, sickies, limb
lickers, bug lovers, bondage burgers, real-estate types, strictly orals, B&T,
S&K, hairy foxes, lesbians, leather cupcakes, oil merchants, fattos, baldies,
tailor mades (maids), nukes, masc/dom, biwingers, prominent noses, loop
lovers, fifty-inch wonders. Polaroidos, Midwesterners, swap jockies,
transsexuals, vacationers, short termers, ex-cons, civil servants, waddle
butts, shame mongers, home wreckers, scoot bunnies, pros, roll tops,
submissos, wick burners, schoolmarms, nonconfidentials, no-tastes,
cellulites, piano ribs, perverts, ale suckers, rowdies, rag bait,
cross-eyeds, six footers, celebrities, colony canaries, clay bods,
left-handers, snide types, vinyl pants, moonies, retailers, crazies, lounge
lizards, high-heelers, discos, porkballs, roadhogs, sveltos, PWTs, portlies,
irreverents, punks, seedlings, and wacko-fetish types need apply.
Joe
Box 3634899347669
Murphy's Blazer, NY 12014
[Originally from "The Book of Ultimates" by John Caldwell.]
------------------------------
Date: 18 Dec 84 18:05:12 GMT
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Subject: net personals ... a pointer to a proposal (tonga plugs)
Newsgroups: net.motss,net.singles,net.social,net.news.group
In article <758@oliven.UUCP> hawk@oliven.UUCP (Rick) writes:
>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me,
>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs.
>
>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug?
>
>rick
For some reason, a number of people have asked me this (usually from
people in the Midwest -- it figures). Since we're all friends here,
and hopefully mature, I'll be frank (or gene) and provide a brief
description. If there are any young children present, please ask them
not to read along with you.
First off, let me note that there is no such thing as just a "tonga
plug." They always come in pairs. Just like you never find a "pant,"
but you always find a pair of "pants." After all, it takes two to
tonga.
The origin of tonga plugs is shrouded in mystery. Some people claim
that they were first used in ancient Atlantis, whilst others make a
strong case for their creation during an a "love-in" of the 70's. The
technology behind their manufacture and use was certainly not beyond
Bronze Age man, although there is some question of whether they had the
requisite advanced knowledge of physiology, sociology, astronomy,
electrical engineering and animal husbandry required to operate them to
their full, very stimulating, capacity.
No matter what their origin, tonga plugs have become an indispensible
addition to the games room of any adventuresome and sensitive adult, as
you well know. Their only other known use is by licensed physical
therapists, and their somewhat controversial use by ministers of
certain fundamentalist religious groups in the mountains of Appalachia;
this is much more dangerous to the inexperienced than snake handling,
however, but these groups are protected under the Constitution (they
argue). There may be some truth to the rumor that certain South
American dictatorships use tonga plugs to whip political prisoners into
a frenzy, continuing only when the hapless victims agree to sign a
confession or betray their comrades. This is, of course, a blatant
violation of numerous international treaties, the UN Charter, and the
Geneva conventions -- not to mention a terrible affront to human
dignity. Amnesty International has yet to fully document such a case,
since such misuse rarely results in a survivor (at least a sane one).
However, this is off the subject of your question.
Tonga plugs vary in size from about 10 cm. long (major axis) on up to
almost a full meter, although rumor has it that the NSA is working on a
two meter set. Traditional tonga plugs may be made of steel, brass,
hard plastic, or shatterproof (obviously!) glass; some back-to-nature
types have had success with tonga plugs made of varnished wood or fried
tofu, however. Your usual set of tongas are roughly cylindircal,
usually tapered towards one end, and curved ever so slightly (too large
a curve may result in them slipping from between your feet should you
apply too much mayonaise). Exactly 1.72 meters of rope, cable, or
chain is connected to an inset eyelet at the major end of each plug; a
non-conductive connector is obviously required in the case of metal
plugs. The surface of one plug is usually etched or inscribed
(patterns vary widely) to distinguish it from the one used with the
wombat. Colors vary, if used, with the exception that it should not
be any shade matching the feathers or the jackstand -- this is
considered to be "bad luck."
I think that covers most of the major features. My apologies for not
being able to present a sketch or picture, but not only is this medium
somewhat limited in that regard, but I would not wish to run afoul of
some of the rather archaic (but nasty and unrepealed) federal
regulations concerning the manufacture, illustration, transportation
across state lines, and conversion (to fully automatic) of tonga
plugs. Lucky for us, OSHA and the EPA have decided not to challenge
the federal court decision that tonga plugs are legal when used in
private by consenting adults, provided that proper permits have been
granted by the FCC and the ASPCA.
If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask.
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
------------------------------
Date: Dec 84
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford)
Subject: net personals ... a pointer to a proposal (tonga plugs)
Newsgroups: net.motss,net.singles,net.social,net.news.group
[Tonga power to the masses!]
In article <469@ukma.UUCP> david@ukma.UUCP (David Herron, NPR Lover) writes:
>In article <11372@gatech.UUCP> spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spaffard) writes:
>>In article <65@cithep.UucP> tim@cithep.UucP (Tim Smith ) writes:
>>>[ 1. Nf3 ]
>>>
>>>>>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me,
>>>>>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs.
>>>>>
>>>>>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug?
>>>>>
>>>>>rick
>>>> [ detailed explanation of what a set of tonga plugs is ]
>>>
>>>OK, but what are they used for?
>>
>>Well, that really is a matter of personal perference and endurance.
>>I use them for about 2 hours at a time.
>>Gene "7 months and counting" Spafford
>
>OK, but what are you doing with them for two hours at a time?
>
>[And, what have you been counting for 7 months?]
Actually, in my particular case, the question is not "what are you
doing with them" but "who are you doing with them?" The answer to that
is "Kathy, my squeeze." By the way, don't ever let anyone tell you
that tonga plugs don't constitute a danger: In the hands of an
experienced Vegan (or wombat or other net.singles expert), and using the
famed "Rosen Technique" (reposting available on request), it is
possible to do grave damage to someone. In our case, I've ruined Kathy
for any other mammal (and most reptiles), and towards the end of the
year I'll have to do one of the only honorable (for a Vegan) things and
either sell her to a dog food company or marry her. Unless she puts on
enough weight to fetch a good price, it looks like it is going to be
the latter. Luckily, she's not allergic to duct tape.
As to the 7 months biz, that's how long I anticipate until my PhD
thesis defense. (And no, my thesis doesn't involve tonga plugs. Yet.)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------