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Yucks Digest V1 #84
Yucks Digest Tue, 17 Sep 91 Volume 1 : Issue 84
Today's Topics:
ATM Networks at Risk if ATMs Located in Casinos
Big Blue Bargins
Buying votes
Don't need it now, but maybe someday!
Dynamo Berlin and the Stasis
Frog Town
HEXADEC Hex-Based Playing Cards
More Quotes and Assorted Funnies for Yucks
QUESTION ABOUT AN ARTICLE/AD [HELP!] (2 msgs)
Reagan: The "Amiable Dunce"?
some funnies for yucks
The Big Bucks
Yucks mailing list entry...oh please...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
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Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 11 Sep 91 12:53:28 GMT
From: covert@covert.enet.dec.com (John R. Covert 11-Sep-1991 0856)
Subject: ATM Networks at Risk if ATMs Located in Casinos
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
Citing a law which states that "a contract to repay money knowingly
lent for gambling is void", the Massachusetts Court of Appeals has
held that a couple who took out a $5500 Master Card cash advance from
an ATM located in the gambling pit of an Atlantic City casino need not
repay the loan.
The card was issued by a Connecticut subsidiary of Shawmut. The court
held that Connecticut law applied in the case. Both Connecticut and
Massachusetts have identical statutes.
ATMs in gambling pits are common in Atlantic City. The ruling, if
left standing, may spell serious trouble for banks and ATM networks.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Sep 91 23:30:05 GMT
From: u14780%uicvm.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (John R. Andrews 6-5995)
Subject: Big Blue Bargins
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
New Announcement from IBM
Think back a minute; back to the go old days of the 60's, back when we rose up
and stormed computer centers. Yes, those were the days when computers were
worth storming, not like today's bland featureless hardware. Well, Big Blue,
is bringing them back, all those great oldies we loved so well. The 7094's,
the 1800's, and, of course, the classic 360 series. Complete with all their
original blinking lights that no one understood, but who cared we were young
and had better things to do than program computers, not like the nerdy PC kids
of today with their color graphics and mice.
Oh, remember those 360's, big power sucking mainframes with REAL core. I'll
bet you can recall the first time you ever punched a card. Thinking about it
still sends chills right through my body. And the languages. Not some strongly
typed structured drivel like PASCAL or MODULA, but a down and dirty language
like FORTRAN before the namby-pambys put all that LEVEL 77 crap in it. Yes,
those were the days when men had BAL's and weren't afraid to use them.
So order now, and receive, in addition to your completely rebuilt 360, a 3705
Communication Controller and 5 026 keypunches (drums extra). And if you order
within the next 5 days you can get up to 3 2314 disk drives at the unbelievable
price of $39.95 each (plus $999 postage and handling). So don't wait, these
very same items will be featured soon on the Home Shopping Channel at
substantially higher prices.
------------------------------
Date: 14 Sep 91 23:30:05 GMT
From: hare@seq.uncwil.edu (David F. Hare)
Subject: Buying votes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
My girlfriend told me this one:
Pres. Bush, (NY)Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ)Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.
Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.
A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
"Simple, I just won two states"
...upon which the pilot threw BUSH out of the plane and announced
his candidacy!
PS: it's now also clear (to me) why Quail never flies (in the same plane)
with Bush!
------------------------------
Date: 11 Sep 91 10:30:04 GMT
From: Jeffrey.Friedl@natasha.mach.cs.cmu.edu
Subject: Don't need it now, but maybe someday!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
On page 114 of the Fall 1991 _J._Crew_ catalog (yuppy clothing)
that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant
woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas).
The description reads:
Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural
for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And
unconfining by design. Our woll rollneck, shown here
in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
Unisex sizes. $52.
Unisex sizes?!
------------------------------
Date: 14 Sep 91 18:45:34 GMT
From: fr@compu.com (Fred Rump from home)
Subject: Dynamo Berlin and the Stasis
Newsgroups: soc.culture.german
beaumont@CompSci.Bristol.AC.UK (Tony Beaumont) writes:
There was an interesting article on BBC2's 'On the line' last night
about how the East German secret police, the Stasis, ran the Dynamo
Berlin football team.
Apparently, one Mr Mielke (sp), a General in the Stasis, made himself
president of the club and used his position to move all the best East
German players to Dynamo Berlin. The players who were interviewed told
how they weren't allowed to join the teams they wanted to. Dynamo
Berlin were East German champions for 10 years and it now seems that at
least some of this success was gained by cheating. The program claimed
to have access to the Stasis payroll computer and showed screenshots to
back up their claims that top East German referees were employed by the
Stasis to make sure that Dynamo Berlin won games. One journalist had a
record of all the bad decisions at the teams games over several years
and claimed that 80% of these 'bad' refereeing decisions were in favour
of Dynamo Berlin. An east German international referee was shown to be
on the payroll of the Stasis. Another East German referee found that
after he cautioned one of the Dynamo Berlin players he recieved
complaints from officials of the club and then found that he didn't get
to referee any matches involving the club for a year The names of
people who allocated referees to matches also appeared on the payroll
computer. The players who were interviewed said they found some of the
refereeing decisions in their favour quite embarassing but claimed they
were good enough to be champions anyway. However, since the removal of
the Berlin wall, the best Dynamo Berlin players were sold to western
teams, the Stasis no longer exists, and Dynamo Berlin have dropped down
to the 3rd division and have changed their name.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 91 08:07:29 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Frog Town
To: yucks
I know this isn't new, but the new line at the end is totally original
(I swear under threat of torture and yes, even death).
There is a small town in Louisiana not far from New Orleans
that has an unusually high frog population. Since local work is
scarce, most adult male wage-earning frogs traditionally try to
find work in the city. Many are quite successful, but there is
always the danger of becoming permanently disabled by
becoming part of one of the seafood delicacies enjoyed there.
It's always a sad sight to see one of the menfolk returning
home on a little wagon pushing himself along with his arms,
because it means his family will be facing hard times. There
was a young male frog teenager named Bob whose father
suffered just such a fate, but rather than just sit and mope with
the rest of his family, he was determined to try to raise some
money to help out. He decided to try to sell his prized
miniature statue of the town's founder. No one seemed
interested in buying it, but one of the prospective buyers
suggested that he might be able to use it as collateral for a
bank loan. He located the loan officer of the local bank, a
Patricia Wack, but she explained that the bank had never
loaned money with mementos as collateral. Bob insisted on
showing it to the bank's manager to make sure, so Patricia
called him over. After Bob had explained the whole situation,
the manager agreed that it was indeed a valuable statue and
said, "That's no knickknack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan;
his old man came rolling home."
[I used to tell a variant of this story about Freddie Frog....until
after about the 3rd or 4th beating at the hands of outraged listeners.
Too bad I couldn't have been saved by the Loan Arranger, Pronto. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 16 Sep 91 16:53:45 GMT
From: jmcarlin@well.sf.ca.us (Jerry Carlin)
Subject: HEXADEC Hex-Based Playing Cards
Newsgroups: comp.newprod
HEXADEC: The Playing Card Of the Computer Age
The hexadecimal HEXADEC card deck includes Hackers (Jokers) and function
disks including Vipers, Worms and Bugs (VW Bugs) and JCL cards +
an Access Key and a Punch Card. Of course, the number cards begin with
zero and bit, gothru the Nibble, the underByte, Byte and overByte. (GUESS
or buy one:-) The face cards form a business hierarchy from the (A)lpha
User and (B)eta Tester to the (E)xecutive Assistant and the (F)irst CEO.
The sectors (suits) are chips, mice, CRTs and RAMs.
In Hexadec solitaire becomes SoloHex, cribbage becomes ROMage, hearts
becomes CRTs (pronounced carts) and poker's royal flush becomes an Executive
Suite. So far sixteen games have been adapted or invented for Hexadec.
The Users' Manual includes song lyrics ("Ya' load 16 bits and what do you
get, another K bolder and deeper in net....") and the inevitable abundance
of puns. The package looks like a floppy disk, down to its 5 1/4 by 5 1/4
inch size and write-protect tabs.
We want to help Users' Groups to form and hope to stage the First Annual
ProHackers Hexathalon Invitational, qualifying pairs of teams of two in
multiples of nibbles; titles of ProHacker (final round of F), MasterHacker
(final round of four bits) and GrandmasterHacker to be awarded.
The cost is $F (16) for the beta-release or $40 (decimal) for the Collector's
Edition which is signed by the inventor + the artist and numbered (only 100X
available). The Collectors' Edition also includes a free upgrade to the
next version. For shipping and handling add $3.64 (3rd class) or $4.80
(1st class). (Canada add'l $1.32; Europe $4.64; Australia/Japan $6.64).
Tax for CA residents is $1.32(beta) or $3.30(Collectors). Prices good
through 12/31/91.
Make checks out using the decimal system (the bank is stodgy) and send to
HEXADEC, 2150 Goff Ave., Pittsburg, CA 94565. For info call (510) HEX-ADEC
(439-2332). Email enquiries directed to jmcarlin@well.sf.ca.us will be
relayed.
The name and logo, HEXADEC is a registered trademark of Daniel B. Zwickel.
The artwork was done with DPAINT2 on an Amiga by Donald I. White.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 91 12:00:33 -0500
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: More Quotes and Assorted Funnies for Yucks
To: spaf
The following quotes, etc. appeared in the September 1991 issue of
Washington Journalism Review:
All the Poop:
"Lincoln County Commissioners wrap up their terms in solid waste" --
Lincoln County (New Mexico) News
"Cholera strikes Turdish camp" -- Henderson (Texas) Daily News
"Press won't be used for sludge" -- The Chatham Record, Pittsboro,
North Carolina
"Cow-pie contest a dung deal" -- The Commercial Appeal, Memphis,
Tennessee
Correction of the Month:
"The Washington Post finds nothing remotely amusing or ironic in the
fact that it misspelled four words in yesterday's story about the National
Spelling Bee...the Post feels reasonably sure that the rest of the words
in the story, or at least the vast majority of them, were correctly
spelled."
Headlines of the Month:
"20,000 attend prelude to Baptist convention; preachers focus on
glory, sex" -- The Atlanta Constitution
"Chimp improves use of English" -- The Buffalo News
"Officer fatally shoots man with safety pin" -- Temple (Texas) Daily
Telegram
------------------------------
Date: 13 Sep 91 18:38:18 GMT
From: ken@batman.austin.ibm.com (Ken Goach)
Subject: QUESTION ABOUT AN ARTICLE/AD [HELP!]
Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre,misc.wanted,misc.headlines
Here's another I've kept for two years trying to figure out.
If you got the original article/ad figured out, try this.
I have a few questions at the end. I typed this in exactly
as it appeard in the classified ad - the only thing I did
was delete the man's name and address.
####################AD STARTS##############################
I'm the man and Jesus Christ that the late President John
F. Kennedy referred to by shouting out loud that "We have
control of the mind," shaking all over, at the end of a
press conference in January 1961. In 1953, I separated a
round, gold soul from my head which was going around in a
circle from left to right, stared me in the face a few
seconds and disappeared to become the infinite Cosmos in
five minutes like my "cosmic mind." In 1959 I had electro-
shock treatment to my head which electrified my mind and
body and sent my "cosmic mind" from my head out into the
Cosmos where it has been monitored by orbiting satelites
and computers. A dosimeter showed I was 200 Roentgens
radio-active and my ratemeter showed I was 25 Roentgens
per hour radio-active. Both dosimeter and ratemeter
measured neutron radiation. I raised the dead into eternal
Heaven or Paradise on July 5, 1989. ********* is a Jewish
name. In January 1961 the CIA flashed through my "cosmic
mind." Albert Einstein spitting in my face, Jesus Christ
being crucified on a cross and John Foster Dulles smiling.
I created myself from the Eternal Spirit into the womb of
my dear mother and was born 2-6-34. Because I'm Jesus Christ
and healed many people over 2,000 years ago, I will heal you
of your sicknesses and reward you in Heaven if you write.
A lvoe offering appreciated. <Name and address deleted>
#################AD ENDS####################################
Has anyone ever heard of this type thing before?
[Yes. See the follow-up. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 18 Sep 91 03:10:43 GMT
From: spaf@cs.purdue.EDU (Gene Spafford)
Subject: QUESTION ABOUT AN ARTICLE/AD [HELP!]
Newsgroups: talk.rumors,talk.bizarre
The following is from my archives of about 2 years ago. Cliff Stoll
also got one of these letters after he appeared on TV:
As some of you know, over the last few years I've received a small
amount of exposure in the media (not something you necessarily want to
wish for, btw). One of the things that comes with exposure to the
great, unwashed masses is crank mail and calls. I've had phone calls
from people telling me that aliens from other planets are behind
computer viruses, letters from inventors who claim they have invented
perpetual motion but no one believes them, and more.
The best, however, came a couple of months ago after I was a guest on
a public television show here in Indiana, talking about computer
viruses, vandals, and the cloudy picture of rights and
responsibilities. About a week after it aired, I got an envelope
postmarked from a small town in north Indiana. It contained a form
letter with three other pages of information. I read it with awe and
amazement. Here was somebody even more bizarre than me!
I just ran across the letter once again, and decided to use my new
scanner and OCR software to read it in to share this astounding
information with all of you. Unfortunately, I can't reproduce the
little diagram on the last page (picture a badly drawn cut-away head
with little numbered arrows to match the list at the bottom). I also
have removed this fellow's name and address where they were written
in. Otherwise, the material is as he wrote it -- bad spelling,
punctuation, and the rest.
Either this guy is truly psychotic or else he has discovered a
terrible menace. I'll let you decide. :-) My comments are in [];
I've tried to refrain from any running commentary -- I think it would
just detract from the seriousness of this material.
--spaf
================================================================
[the cover letter, with Purdue located in Hammond, IN :-) ]
I write you about a matter of grave importance. Some group of highly
financed and medically skilled people is surreptitiously placing
privately coded electrodes into unsuspecting citizens bodies in order
to create pain and illness symptoms. This practice is apparently used
extensively in the United States and elsewhere as a form of
intimidation and harassment. I suspect this activity is basically
used in intelligence work.
It appears that the use of electrodes to create pain, itching, muscle
jerking and more, is a worldwide practice. I have no idea of the
magnitude. You are probably aware that electrodes are used in making
race horse muscles jerk, for identification purposes. These electrodes
are signalled with a hand held radio transmitter, once they are placed
in a muscle.
I feel that this is an American atrocity that abridges all human
rights. My experience with this covers nine (9) long years and has
cost me a career and much more. I have gained enough medical
information to verify this practice.
The medical profession is a victim along with many individuals. This
unnecessary pain and harassment threatens the very fabric of our
rights and freedom. The fallout from this practice may be greater than
the covert torture of humans in any nation. This is a silent terror
that wears the cloak of illness.
I confronted this issue in court nine (9) years ago. My pain and
harassment have only increased and my concerns are great. The people
controlling this medical technology have power greater than nuclear
weapons or gunpowder. This practice has compromised unsuspecting
citizens and the medical profession on which they depend. I suspect a
part of the U.S. Government.
As a concerned citizen, I request you give some attention to this
important matter.
Sincerely,
[name deleted]
[page 2]
Congress Member:
----------------
At midnight on the beach in St. Tropez I sat with two friends enjoying
some local French wine. I noted that I seemed to be trapped somewhere
between the C.I.A. and the medical profession. At that point a man
came from somewhere and sat 25 feet away from us on the isolated
beach.
The French military officer looked at my two bent index fingers as I
told him they were straight a few years ago. I said, they are bent
using electrodes and he nodded saying he knew about such.
The medical doctor at the University of Leiden again looked at the
x-rays of my nose and said, "We cannot remove the object because you
cannot explain how it arrived in your nose." Same response from the
Stanford Medical School, Washington University in St. Louis and the
Adventist Hospital in Portland. The device went click, click-click
when someone signalled it by radio transmitter.
When Darren arrived at the Westlake Inn for dinner, he had an
uninvited cousin with him. We were seated at a table in the middle of
a conspicuous alcove. The menus arrived and then we were seated next
in the bar some hours later. The dinner was ordered, eaten and paid
for then cognition returned to me long after the event. He noted my
conversation was repetitious during this cognitive shutdown.
In Basel I was waiting in the Jura Hotel to go out for the evening and
leaned back across a single bed with my feet on a chair. Cognition
returned at midnight. No date that night.
The chest pains came slowly and intensified over the next thirty
minutes. I gambled that the mid chest, white colored puncture wound
found one morning weeks before was an electrode entry point. So I left
my home that night barely able to move my upper torso and opted to
walk deep into the hills and away from a close range radio signal. The
pain was gone by midnight.
Thc plane out of JFK to London was routine. About two hours out, the
pain began to come under my left bicep. It intensified for hours and
finally stopped as we landed in London. Only one of dozens such
occurrences.
The toothache moved from one tooth to another in leap frog style. Over
the weeks several teeth moved apart and bent outward. My dentist was
astounded.
The open air table on the Seine was a delight and the trio of ladies
seated on my left were friendly California tourists. Then came the
ice pick stabbing pain in my left eyeball. Some sinister signal it
seemed.
National leader, this is an American effort that is well funded,
medically staffed and preying on innocent humans world wide. It is
far too late to begin, but please attempt some exposure equal to the
current issue of arms sales. The stakes are far greater and in your
neighborhood.
Postscript: All of the above are true happenings.
[page 3]
Silent Terror Fable for Chief Executive Officers:
-------------------------------------------------
The urge to urinate was now on me each day as I stood at my post
office box. I worried about getting to a toilet. The same urge came as
I entered my hotel room when traveling. Then in a huge theatre I was
forced to stand and leave for the toilet. I came to call this a urine
identification. I then carried a large plastic carton in my car for
this purpose. The bladder can be controlled by electrodes. Published
information from J.C. Medical School, San Francisco.
The itching in my eyebrows came infrequently, but was a real nuisance.
When I scratched this several eyebrow hairs would fall out. Somehow
the follicle was damaged or stimulated to itch. Micro electrodes in
the follicles? Yes.
As I talked quietly one evening with my grown son there came a sudden
pain in the tip of my tongue and it was accompanied by much bleeding.
The small blood blister of a lifetime on my chest was watched for any
changes. Then while shaving one morning it started bleeding. It
stopped after some attention.
It seemed strange to awaken in the night and have an erection. Yes,
without any extra blood in the organ. The nasal drip that developed
during intercourse seemed strange. But even more so, can all physical
sensation in the male genitals be killed with electrodes? Yes.
The night time beach party at St. Tropez was fun for all ages. The
roaring fire and local wine made singing and laughing a pleasure.
Cognition returned in the water's edge as I stood ankle deep in the
surf. Several hours had passed in the danger of fire and surf.
As I towelled off after my shower, I felt a twinge like a sliver of
metal in my waist. Carefully she got the tweezers and we removed the
hair like electrode and placed it in an envelope. Now came some
understanding of the "flea bites" felt from head to toe at various
times. Usually a signal to move, scratch or take some action, I think.
Silent terror? You decide. I now have had ten (10) years of electrode
harassment. Medical institutions and personnel want no part of this
insidious game. The only solution lies within the organization behind
this worldwide silent terror. I am more than convinced the origin of
this silent terror is in the United States government and active
today.
A silent terror that wears the cloak of illness.
Please take an interest.
[page 4]
"Tom-Tom" Fable
---------------
When my three week old grandson (now seven years) was handed to me the
first time, he sneezed as I took him. I knew then that a "Tom-Tom" had
signalled me.
As the NBC technician who covers the White House and ranch casually
talked with me and our dates at Gerefinakis in Athens, the
conversation wandered to his Santa Barbara ranch visits. Then came the
rapid sneezing "Tom-Toms" from him. Must mean something.
The German scientist shared a compartment with me headed north from
Basel. As our conversation got around to human tissue compatible
electrodes, I had three sudden "Tom-Tom" sneezes. He was interested in
the electrode business.
During dinner with my grown daughter, she developed a raging headache.
As we discused the headache, she gave two "Tom-Tom" sneezes.
Can you communicate with electrode caused sneezes? Someone thinks so,
it seems.
The jumpsuited psychiatrist sat next to me flying out of Honolulu for
LAX. As he sat down there came two rapid sneezes from him. A signal to
me? Yes. Then he developed a raging headache. All accidental - no.
Today the outrage of intrusion into the bodies of unsuspecting humans
continues in the United States. The below chart suggests a range of
illness symptoms that may he caused. Please take an interest and
write your legislator or medical friend. The source is in our
"National Security" group.
ELECTRODE ILLNESS DIAGNOSTIC CHART
1. Headaches
2. Eyebrow itch, fallout
3. Icepick eyeball pain and deep eye pain
4. Sneezes, nose drain, slnuses ache
5. Toothaches, abscesses
6. Cognition shutdown, yawns, mood [diagram here]
influences
7. Sore throat, coughing, tickles
voice problems, possible choking
S. Headaches of any proportion
9. Earaches, buzzing, etc.
All of the above pain and illnesses can he caused by electrodes placed
in the skull and signalled with a small hand held radio transmitter.
Once electrodes. are in place, they may be signalled in your office,
home, auto, airplane or most anywhere. Ask your medical friends.
--
Gene Spafford
NSF/Purdue/U of Florida Software Engineering Research Center,
Dept. of Computer Sciences, Purdue University, W. Lafayette IN 47907-1398
Internet: spaf@cs.purdue.edu phone: (317) 494-7825
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 91 18:04:21 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Reagan: The "Amiable Dunce"?
To: yucks-request
Clifford Denies Dunce Comment
WASHINGTON (AP)
Former Defense Secretary Clark Clifford says he never called
then-President Reagan "an amiable dunce."
Clifford's alleged characterization of the former president has
become part of Washington lore in recent years. In fact, it was used
Wednesday when Clifford testified before the House Banking Committee
about the relationship between First American Bankshares, which he
formerly headed, and the scandal-ridden Bank of Credit and Commerce
International.
Rep. Chalmers Wylie, R-Ohio, said the committee's job was to
determine whether Clifford and associate Robert Altman were "amiable
dunces or financial kingpins."
Later in the hearing, when the "amiable dunce" line was repeated
by Rep. Richard Armey, R-Texas, Clifford protested it was unfair to
take that phrase out of context and offered the committee this
version:
Early in the Reagan years, at a private dinner party in
Washington, Clifford noted that Reagan had promised to cut taxes by
$750 billion, increase defense spending sharply and balance the
federal budget by 1984.
"I said that if he brings that off, he will be considered a great
national hero," Clifford told the committee. "If he doesn't, he might
well be considered an amiable dunce."
[Well, he didn't pull it off, so.... (and no, I will not use this as
an opportunity to make another cheap Pee Wee Herman joke!) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 91 10:19:42 -0500
From: heaphy (Kathleen A. Heaphy)
Subject: some funnies for yucks
To: spaf
Here are some headlines singled out as the worst of the month in the
July/August 1991 issue of Washington Journalism Review:
Some Criminal Headlines
Annapolis man robbed by convenience store -- Anne Arundel County (MD) Sun
Probe Revived in Attempt to Kill Pope -- The Washington Post
Air controller whose asleep holds up plane -- The Hopewell (VA) News
Never-Say-Die Journalism
Airline passengers survive crashes, but still dying -- The Tampa Tribune
Slain dentist's wife claims harassment -- Daytona Beach News Journal
Ruling keeps dead man's candidacy alive -- The Philadelphia Inquirer
Headlines of the Month
NBC comes out against orgasms -- New York Post
Small space station shot down by panel -- The Denver Post
Candidates in C'town butt heads -- The (Phoenixville, PA) Evening Phoenix
President wired and feeling fit -- Rochester Times-Union
How 'Bout on Yore Copy Deske?
>From a rejection letter from The Honolulu Advertiser: "We received many
applications such as yours that were desrving of serious consideration.
Unfortunately, we ar not able to offeryou an internship...."
Story Idea of the Month
>From KPIX, Channel 5, in San Francisco: "Public Lives. Private Pain.
The illnesses that afflict your favorite celebrities."
Ads of the Month
>From a collection of its own advertising goofs, good-naturedly put
together by The (Independence, MO) Examiner:
"Recreation Assistant 1. One full-time position available immediately,
weekends required. Must be 25 years of age, or have 2 years commercial
drinking experience..."
"FOUR CHOICE SPACES -- in Garden of the Last Supper. Floral Hills
Cemetery. Moving, must sell."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Sep 91 02:13:42 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: The Big Bucks
To: yucks-request
Now, before you get too bent out of shape, note that these
figures are for TWO years, so it's not REALLY that much money. Right?
========
Forbes' Top-Paid Entertainers
NEW YORK (AP)
Here is a list of Forbes magazine's 40 highest-paid entertainers.
The ranking is based on the magazine's estimate of gross earnings for
1990 and 1991.
1. New Kids on the Block, pop music group, $115 million.
2. Bill Cosby, 54, television personality, $113 million.
3. Oprah Winfrey, 37, talk-show host, $80 million.
4. Madonna, singer, 33, $63 million.
5. Michael Jackson, 33, singer, $60 million.
6. Kevin Costner, actor-director, 36, $59 million.
7. Johnny Carson, 65, talk-show host, $55 million.
8. Rolling Stones, rock group, $55 million.
9. Charles M. Schulz, 68, cartoonist, $51 million.
10. Steven Spielberg, 43, director-producer, $50 million.
11. Paul McCartney, 49, singer, $49 million.
12. Julio Iglesias, 47, singer, $45 million.
13. Janet Jackson, 26, singer, $43 million.
14. Bruce Willis, 36, actor, $43 million.
15. Eddie Murphy, 30, comedian, $42 million.
16. Tom Cruise, 29, actor, $36 million.
17. Arnold Schwarzenegger, 44, actor, $35 million.
18. Aerosmith, rock group, $34 million.
19. M.C. Hammer, 28, rap music artist, $33 million.
20. The Grateful Dead, rock group, $33 million.
21. Sean Connery, 61, actor, $32 million.
22. Billy Joel, 42, singer, $31 million.
23. Jack Nicholson, 54, actor-director, $30 million.
24. John Hughes, 41, screenwriter, $28 million.
25. Frank Sinatra, 75, singer, $27 million.
26. Michael Douglas, 47, actor, $27 million.
27. Michael J. Fox, 30, actor, $26 million.
28. Guns & Roses, rock group, $25 million.
29. Stephen King, 44, novelist, $25 million.
30. Siegfried & Roy, illusionists, $25 million.
31. Prince, 33, rock star, $25 million.
32. Andrew Lloyd Webber, 43, theater producer, $24 million.
33. Paula Abdul, 29, singer, ,24 million.
34. Sylvester Stallone, 45, actor-screenwriter, $23 million.
35. Arsenio Hall, 36, comedian, $23 million.
36. Tom Clancy, 44, author, $20 million.
37. Xuxa, 27, pop singer, $19 million.
38. Mel Gibson, 35, actor, $19 million.
39. Matt Groening, 37, cartoonist, $18 million.
40. Vanilla Ice, 23, pop singer, $18 million.
[Hmmm, not a computer scientist or university professor in the lot.
I think I need to develop a new act. --spaf]
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Date: Mon, 16 Sep 91 19:01:05 EDT
From: bo@community-chest.mitre.org (Shawn Bohner)
Subject: Yucks mailing list entry...oh please...
To: spaf
There's this little boy sitting on the corner shaking a bottle of acid.
Along comes a priest who greets the little boy and asks him, "What'cha
doing little boy". The little boy looks up at him and says, "Well, Father
I'm shakin' this bottle of acid...". The priest thinks to himself, "oh no,
the little boy could hurt himself, what can I do?!?". He thinks quick and
reaches into his jacket to pull out a bottle. The priest says to the
little boy, "Hey, I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water for that bottle
of acid". The little boy, a little suspicious of such an open-ended deal
says to the priest, "What's the Holy water do?". The priest thinks quick
and says, "er, well, I rubbed this Holy water on a woman's stomach and she
passed a baby!". With that the little boy replied, "Awe, that's nothin',
I rubbed this on a cat's bottom and it passed a motercycle!!!"
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End of Yucks Digest
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