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Yucks Digest V1 #60
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To: yucks
-
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #60
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Thu, 20 Jun 91 14:22:40 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Thu, 20 Jun 91 Volume 1 : Issue 60
Today's Topics:
Earthquake prevention tips
for your amusement
From rec.food.veg...
La Boite Bleue
News flash
OS/2 : UNIX :: Los Angeles : New York
Personality Test
Taxes - Don't you love 'em?
This happy breed of men, this little world
Twinkie Research
Yucks Digest V1 #59
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 91 16:46:32 PDT
From: uunet!frame.com!sbs (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Earthquake prevention tips
To: humor@ciara.frame.com, jey@ciara.frame.com
reprinted without permission from the San Francisco /Comical/ june 12
1991:
How You, the Consumer, Can Prevent Quakes
In the useful pamphlet, "The Way We See It", Californians for
Earthquake Prevention and Climactic Improvement, a San Francisco
group, suggests the following "simple things you can do to prevent
earthquakes":
* "Write to your elected officials and demand an end to all
seismic activity in California."
* "Press for earthquake-free zones" with "shock-absorbing
expansion joints in the pavement at city boundaries."
* "Do not eat fried foods while driving a single-passenger
vehicle during rush hour" and do not eat for a half-hour
before an earthquake.
* "Disconnect your car alarm" because "certain frequencies
collect in invisible sound pools, leaching disturbing
vibrations into the Earth's crust."
Some of this is good advice, and it's difficult to be against
climactic improvement (although one wonders where one would go
from there).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Jun 91 01:05:02 EDT
From: hosking%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu (Doug Hosking)
Subject: for your amusement
To: spaf
A few years ago I saw an ad in the Sunday paper that amused me. Last
weekend I saw a revival of the same idea (perhaps even the same ad).
It's (mostly) reproduced below. I'll leave the picture to your imagination.
So far I've been able to resist the temptation to buy one. Can you ?
Maybe they've got the right idea. If we spent our time on marketing
instead of on developing technology, our lives would be a lot simpler.
............................................................
Why Are We Offering Our Nationally Advertised
GFX-100 INDOOR TV ``DISH'' ANTENNAS for only $9.95
No cable box necessary - uses ``RF'' technology to capture signals
right out of the air!
Brings in every local VHF and UHF channel from 2 to 83!
Legal in all 50 states!
No wiring or installation!
Works like ordinary pair of ``rabbit ears''
You pay NO satellite fees because you DON'T use satellite
signals!!!
You pay NO cable fees because you're NOT getting cable!!!
Throw away your old TV rod antenna! The GFX-100 looks like an
outdoor satellite ``dish,'' but works indoors like ordinary ``rabbit ears.'
No wiring or installation! Legal in all 50 states. You pay NO cable fees
because you're NOT getting cable!!! You pay NO satellite fees because you're
NOT using satellite technology or service!!! Works entirely via proven ``RF''
technology - actually pulls signals right out of the air. Instantly locks into
every local VHF and UHF channel from 2 to 83 to bring you their movies,
sports, and special events just like an ordinary pair of ``rabbit ears.''
No cable box or special attachments needed! Enhances color and clarity, helps
pull in weak signals. Compatible with all TVs from 3-inch portables to giant
7-footers. Sits on any TV top in less than 4 linear inches of space!
Guaranteed not to utilize, replicate, transmit, or interfere with any
satellite signal. Complies with all applicable federal regulations. Not
technical razzle-dazzle but the sheer aesthetic superiority of its elegant
parabolic design make the GFX-100 a marketing breakthrough! At this price,
put one on every tv in your home! (Sorry, limit 3 per address. No dealers
or wholesalers, please!) We reserve right to extend above time and quantity
guarantee. Hurry!
[Yup, a real marketing breakthrough. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 15:12:44 EST
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: From rec.food.veg...
To: spaf
Here's a possibility for yucks, from a raging debate in rec.food.veg
on why people are vegetarians (I am):
>How does one, a priori, attach a higher spiritual avoid-eating
>value to a chicken than to a cabbage ?
Well my rule of thumb is closeness to myself in an evolutionary sense:
I'd eat a plant before I'd eat a fish.
I'd eat a fish before I'd eat a reptile or bird.
I'd eat a reptile or bird before I'd eat a mammal.
I'd eat a dog before I'd eat a spider monkey.
I'd eat a spider monkey before I'd eat an orangutan.
I'd eat an orangutan before I'd eat you.
I'd eat you before I'd eat my mother.
But then again, I bit my fingernails during Fright Night at the drive-in.
------------------------------
Date: 12 Jun 91 23:30:31 GMT
From: rennie@cs.albany.edu (William A Rennie)
Subject: La Boite Bleue
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
La Boite Bleue
translated from the memoirs of
Jean Turing-VonNeuman
a minor 19th century post-impressionist programer
I will never forget that Spring, that day. Paris had an air
of revolution. The week before an exhibition of Seraut's
listings had caused a sensation. In his unrelenting quest for
simplicity he had reduced all of programming to three machine
instructions. The resulting 6,000 line bubble sort had shocked
the critics.
My own recent efforts had been received poorly. I had cut
and slashed through my programs, juxtaposing blocks of code in a
way that exposed the underlying intensity of the algorithm
without regard to convention or syntax.
"But it doesn't compile.", they complained.
As if programming was about adhering to their primitive
language definitions. As if it was my duty to live within the
limits of their antiquated and ordinary compilers.
So it was that I came that day to La Boite Bleue, seeking
solace and companionship.
La Boite Bleue was where we gathered in those days. The wine
there was cheap, the tables were large and they kept a complete
set of language manuals behind the bar.
As I entered I heard Henri's measured accents above the din.
"...that complexity is not the salient characteristic of
exemplary style."
Toulouse-Lautrec was seated at a table spread with greenbar.
Manet, redfaced, loomed over him.
"Damm your recursion, Henri. Iteration, however complex,
is always more efficient."
Manet stormed away from the table in the direction of the
bar. He always seemed angry at that time. Partly because his
refusal to write in anything but FORTRAN isolated him from the
rest of the Avant-Guarde, partly because people kept confusing
him with Monet.
Henri motioned to me to join him at the table.
"Have you heard from Vincent recently?"
We were all concerned about Van Gogh. Only a few days
before he had completed an order n sorting routine that required
no additional memory. Unfortunately, because he had written it in
C and refused, on principle, to comment his code, no one had
understood a line of it. He had not taken it well.
"No. Why?", I replied.
"He and Gaugin had a violent argument last night over
whether a side effect should be considered output and he hasn't
been seen since. I fear he may have done something ... rash."
We were suddenly interrupted by the waitress's terrified
scream. I turned in time to see something fall from the open
envelope she held in her hand. Stooping to retrieve it, I was
seized by a wave of revulsion as I recognized that the object in
my hand, bestially torn from its accustomed place, was the mouse
from Van Gogh's workstation. The waitress, who had fainted, lay
in an unnoticed heap beside me.
By the evening, the incident had become the talk of Paris.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Jun 91 15:14:04 EST
From: lotus!"CRD!David Kaufman@LOTUS "@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: News flash
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Man Barricades Himself In Building, Demands Jelly Doughnuts
01:08 PM Today
TALLAHASSEE, Florida, June 14, Reuter - A man broke into the Florida
state capitol building on Friday, barricaded himself inside an office and
demanded several hundred jelly doughnuts, alcohol and marijuana, police said.
The man was identified as a former Florida State University student in
his 20s but police did not release his name. A spokesman said the man had told
authorities he had explosives, but they were unsure whether he had any weapons
and did not believe he was holding any hostages.
The 22-floor statehouse, where the state legislature meets and Florida
Governor Lawton Chiles has his office, was evacuated and surrounded by police
marksmen.
Authorities said they were trying to make contact with the man, who had
access to a police radio. He broke in at about 4 a.m. and called police to say
he had occupied the building.
He left a rambling note outside the door where he broke in demanding
several hundred jelly doughnuts, alcohol and marijuana.
REUTER
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jun 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: mcovingt@athena.cs.uga.edu (Michael A. Covington)
Subject: OS/2 : UNIX :: Los Angeles : New York
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
UNIX and OS/2 are like New York and Los Angeles respectively.
In New York and in UNIX they have a system for doing things, and it's
surprisingly efficient once you figure it out, but it looks unfriendly
to outsiders.
Los Angeles and OS/2 are nice and polished and look good on the surface,
but when you get there you find that nobody has been there very long
and nobody can tell you whether things really work right or not.
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jun 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: lab@fibercom.com (Lance Beckner)
Subject: Personality Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is original.
Our Engineering group is planning on participating in a "team building"
exercise. As a prelude, each of us had to take the famous Myers-Briggs
test to evaluate personalities, leadership attributes, etc.
After taking my test, I came up with one of my own:
Personality Test
By
Bryer's-Migs
(The people who bring you natural ice cream and Soviet warplanes)
Answer each question as best as you possibly can. Remember, there
are no RIGHT or WRONG answers. Answer each question honestly and
we'll see just how messed up you really are.
1. Would you rather have a boss that:
a. sweats profusely
b. foams at the mouth
2. In a party are you more likely to:
a. get drunk and pass out
b. act like a bump on a log
3. On the whole do you think that:
a. Men are smarter than women
b. Men and women are equally smart
c. Women just think they are smarter than men
4. You have just eaten a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant when
you realize that you left your wallet at home. Do you:
a. Yell, "Fire, Fire, Fire" and disappear in the crowd of
panicky strangers headed for the door
b. Vomit violently and demand that your meal be free
c. Tell your date you have to make a call, and sneak out
leaving her with the bill.
5. Would you rather die:
a. By having your body explode in the vacuum of space
b. Drowning in the frigid waters of the northern Atlantic
c. By being burned at the stake
6. In an emergency situation, are you more likely to
a. wet your pants
b. stutter uncontrollably
7. When dealing with a group of people, would you rather
a. have a say in what the group will do
b. follow the group like a mindless drone
8. When the Gulf War is over, would you like to see the Capital
of Iraq
a. Still be named Baghdad
b. renamed BOMBay
c. renamed BANGladesh
d. renamed U.S. Military Munitions Test Range
9. Do you think the red thing on Gorbachev's forehead is
a. A birth mark
b. The result of a motorcycle accident
c. The mark of the Beast
10. Would you rather
A. be the star of your own TV show
B. placed on death row
For the questions below, choose the word that appeals to you the
most. Concentrate on the word MEANINGS, and not how the words
would be pronounced by eastern European immigrants.
11. a. peanut b. butter
12. a. smart b. bomb
13. a. book b. worm
14. a. pizza b. face
15. a. bone b. head
16. a. rain b. man
17. a. feeding b. frenzy
18. a. boss b. hog
19. a. snow b. white
20. a. token b. ring
21. Which of the following would you be more inclined to do
a. invade a small neighboring country
b. invade a small neighboring country only if it had a great
deal of oil reserves.
c. come to the rescue of country recently invaded
d. come to the rescue of country recently invaded only if
it had a great deal of oil reserves.
22. Which of the following would you be least pleased with
a. Dan Quayle elected president of the United States
b. Saddam Hussein remaining president of a post-war Iraq
c. Dan Quayle elected president of a post-war Iraq
23. Do you prefer
a. Walking in the rain
b. driving in the snow
c. spitting in the wind
24. Would you rather
a. be killed by a herd of stampeding African Elephants
b. be strangled to death by a Python
c. be eaten alive by a school of Piranha
d. listen to Rosanne Barr sing the National Anthem for 8
hours
25. Who would you rather have as parents
a. Bill Cosby and Tina Turner
b. Hulk Hogan and Shelly Winters
c. Boy George and Michael Jackson
d. Willie Nelson and Connie Chung
------------------------------
Date: 10 Jun 91 10:30:05 GMT
Subject: Taxes - Don't you love 'em?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Department of the Treasury - INFERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Form 1040 (New)
Please fill in all applicable blanks legibly, if you know what's good for
you.
Name: 5
Name (as your family knows you): 7
Name (as your girlfriend knows you [Yes, we know all about her.]): 9
Name (as you were known in the '60's; it had better match our FBI files): 11
Address (Yeah, it's been on file for years; we just like to make you
write):13
Occupation (so we'll know if you're trying to screw us)
15
Check one: Indolent, decadent rich ......... ( ) Aspiring to (<--) ( )
17
. Struggling middle-class bourgeois ( ) Barely getting by ( )
18
. Low-life-leech-on-society ....... ( ) Space alien ..... ( )
19
Check one: Productive overachiever ......... ( ) Kinda trying .... ( )
21
. Lucky just to make it to work ... ( ) Retired ......... ( )
23
. Disabled [Yeah, SURE] .......... ( ) Just plain lazy . ( )
25
Check all that apply:
Voted for Bush ....... ( ) Watch C-SPAN ... ( ) Own your own car .... (
)
Voted for Dukakis .... ( ) Watch Dan Rather ( ) Own your own computer (
)
Voted for Mr. Rogers . ( ) Watch "Dallas" . ( ) Own your own shoes .. (
)
If you checked "Watch 'Dallas'" above, please complete the following:
[ Don't you know it's not on any more? . Yes ( ) No ( ) ]
32
[ Do you care? ......................... Yes ( ) No ( ) ]
33
If you checked "Own your own shoes" above, please complete the following:
[ Are you prepared to learn to live without them? Yes ( ) No ( ) ]
36
[ If you checked No, please complete the following: ]
[ Don't you know that you'd damn well better? .... Yes ( ) No ( ) ]
38
Enter how much money you made ................................... $_____.__
40
Enter how much money you made under the table ................... $_____.__
41
Enter how much your teenage kids ran up on the phone bill ....... $_____.__
42
Enter amount you fudged on last year's tax return (We have ways..)$_____.__
43
Enter total amount Congress should spend on the Congressional
Barber Shop, Fact-finding trips to Tahiti and the Bahamas, and
Ted Kennedy's entertainment expense account ................... $_____.__
46
If you entered zero on Line 46, please read the following:
[ Tough! ]
[ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( ) No ( )
50
[ If you checked No, call 1 - 900 - TAX - SPEND (3 months' salary for first]
[ five minutes.) ]
Do you suffer from Jock Itch? ............................. Yes ( ) No ( )
54
The heartbreak of Psoriasis? .............................. Yes ( ) No ( )
55
The candidacy of George McGovern? ......................... Yes ( ) No ( )
56
Can you read lips? ........................................ Yes ( ) No ( )
58
If you checked Yes, please write to George, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave,
Washington, DC, 00000. Send resume and references.
Have you ever been audited? ............................... Yes ( ) No ( )
62
If you checked No, please read the following:
[ Aah, HA! ]
[ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( ) No ( ) ]
[ If you checked No, please read the following: ]
[ You will. ]
Do you subscribe to GEnie? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( )
69
Why? ______________________________________________________________________
70
Sexual preference (Check all that apply):
Daily .............. ( ) Hetero ....... ( ) Read "Playboy" ......... ( )
Monthly ............ ( ) Homo ......... ( ) If above checked:
What's sex? ........ ( ) Mono ......... ( ) With two hands ....... ( )
Multiple partners .. ( ) Stereo ....... ( ) With one hand ........ ( )
If above checked: Groucho ...... ( )
Just a few ........ ( ) Harpo ........ ( ) With wife .............. ( )
The multipler, With anyone ............ ( )
the better ....... ( ) With farm animals ...... ( )
Are you a minority? ....................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
If so, which part of you is minor? ________________________________________
Check all of the following that you know personally:
John Sununu ............. ( )
Neil Bush ............... ( )
Sen. DiConcini .......... ( )
Charles Keating ......... ( )
Anybody with big bucks .. ( )
How many of the above did you check? ............................... ________
Multiply that figure by $10,000 and subtract from your tax, below.
Do you read the "National Enquirer?" ....................... Yes ( ) No ( )
Do you ALWAYS drive 55? .................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
Even in your DRIVEWAY? ..................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
Do you change your own oil? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( )
Which is better (check one):
IBM-PC....... ( )
Mac ......... ( )
Sinclair .... ( )
Do you date your tax forms? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( )
If so, do they have a good time with you? .................. Yes ( ) No ( )
Does your wife know? ....................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
Do you know what any of this has to do with taxes? ......... Yes ( ) No ( )
If you checked Yes, please call us and let us know.
******************** FIGURE TAX HERE ********************************
Enter amount from Line 40 ..................................... $______.__
Enter amount from Line 41 ..................................... $______.__
Enter amount from Line 42 ..................................... $______.__
Enter amount from Line 43 ..................................... $______.__
Add them up. .................................................. $______.__
Send it in. NOW! ............................................ Yes ( )
(There is no NO)
____________________________________________
SIGN, Suckah!
This return is INVALID without your signature. Your check, however, is
another story.
Do you wish to designate an additional amount for the purpose of deficit
reduction? ................................................... Yes ( ) No ( )
[ If you checked Yes, please complete the following:
]
[ Are you Bloody NUTS???????????????? ........................ Yes ( ) No ( )
It's been a pleasure serving[1] you. Until next year, remember, WE'RE
WATCHING!
[1] screwing
------------------------------
From: emory!Pa.dec.com!sfisher
Subject: This happy breed of men, this little world
To: british-cars@encore.com
> Notice the peculiar formation of the word "imperial". Derived from
> "empire", with all or the i's changed to e's and all of the e's changed
> to i's, and "al" suffixed. One might have thought that it should have
> been spelled "empirial", but noooo... Only in the Queen's (and many
> prior Kings' and a few prior Queens' too) English. Except maybe that
> the French would have done it even more peculiarly. Nevermind.
Excuse me, but if you're going to go about slandering the
glorious melange that is the English language, you'd best
have half a clue before you started. Pull me a pint of your
best bitter, alewife, and draw up a chair.
Imperial is actually closer to the original word, a good Latin
word, imperium. The Romans called Julius Caesar "imperator,"
and in fact our word "imperative" comes from the same root.
The original emperors (imperatori) were elected for brief periods
during times of emergency and given temporary but absolute power
("for the duration plus six months," more or less). (If I had
hypertext, I'd include a link to Cincinnatus here. Email me if
you would have clicked on it.)
The problem is, the puff-brained French, their mouths full of
snails and spoiled sheep's milk, couldn't pronounce this, and
they decided to spell it "empereur/empire." Big Chuck (aka
Carolus Magnus, aka Charlemagne) was probably called something
like "empereur" during his lifetime (I'm not up on mediaeval
French).
Things got hazy when a bunch of Scandinavian cutthroats sailed
up the Seine in their high-tech flexible longboats and started
cutting up the good citizens of France for fun and profit.
The King of France (I'd bet on his being named Louis, but I
wouldn't bet on a number other than guessing at its being < 9)
foresaw Neville Chamberlain by a fair milennium and gave a
swampy, desolate, fogbound region of France known only for
its applejack and its peat bogs to these ruffians in the hope
that they'd stay away from Paris. This lutefisk-laden Sudetenland
worked for Louis, though, mainly because it put the blond
barbarians a mere 23 miles over choppy seas from the scourge
of the fleur-de-lys then as now, that royal seat of kings,
that sceptred isle, England. Louis figured that the Normans
would go and pester the English, and he was right.
Well, it turns out that England's kingship was in disarray after
some two or three hundred years of continued attacks by various
Scandinavians on their coastline, beginning with the odd Irish
monastery about 780 AD and continuing right up into the modern,
civilized eleventh century, when William the Bastard and his
buddies were enjoying the generosity of the King of France. There
were two pretenders for the throne, one named Harold Godwinson
who had the advantage of having sat on it for a few years, the other
named Harald Hardraada ("Harold Hard-ruler"), a fjord corsair (heh)
whose mother's cousin's uncle's stepbrother's sister-son twice
removed had once scraped the bark off the rooftree of the King of
England's country cottage, so he reckoned he'd be a shoo-in to
rule this green and pleasant land.
So Harald (who had the presence of mind for the sanity of
future generations of chroniclers to spell his name with two As)
rounded up all the out-of-work cutthroats he could scrape up
between Frisia and Uppsala and landed on the east coast of
Britain, with the intent of telling Harold that he'd best seek
a new line of work. There was a furious battle; Harald's troops
were bested by the trained army of Harold, and the Viking threat
dissipated into the wilds of East Anglia, and I promise not to
make a fjord Anglia pun.
But William the Bastard thought it would be the perfect time to
take a cross-channel pleasure cruise with a few thousand of his
closest friends and drop in on Harold. Weather was bad for the
first couple of weeks of October, but for a couple of days the
Channel got what would be called "Indian summer" in another 430 or
so years and William sailed to Hastings, in the very shadow of the
white cliffs of Dover.
Things got hot when Harold and his own crew showed up. They had
run out of victuals (and the cold hard stuff with which they could
purchase same) in the fracas with Harald, and we all know what an
army travels on. Up the cliffs came William's buddies, with the
benefit of a fascinating new invention that they'd picked up from
their soujourns in the wilds of central Europe, where Scandinavians
had long been available for odd jobs such as killing off the entire
ruling family of a Rhenish fiefdom to the seventh generation or
defending Byzantium against the Turks. This invention didn't
amount to much more than a loop of rope tied to one's saddle bows,
but if you hooked your feet through it you could get a lot more
leverage when riding on a horse and charging at an opponent.
William's fresh, well-fed troops rode down the flower of English
chivalry, poor Harold got an arrow in his eye, and the next thing
you know it's Domesday.
But I digress. William and his pals had taken to speaking French
during their stay as feudal vassals of Louis (I think it was really
Charles, but my encyclopedia is at home), though they were the joke
of the continental set for their hokey pronunciation and usage.
Still, when they took over Harold's wooden fort in the old Roman
port of Londinium on the Thames, one of William's first acts was to
make French the official language of his henchmen. From the safety
of the imposing foursquare stone edifice they built, the White Tower,
they were able to control the rich fields of Britain through a combination
of tyranny, good accounting, and linguistic snobbery for a couple
hundred years anyway. French stayed the court language in Britain
until the Tudor era (damn, where's that fjord Tudor when you really
need it?), which curiously came about after a little mixup called
the Hundred Years War in which the descendants of William wanted to
rule bits of France as well as Britain. (Considering that one of
the bits they especially wanted was the Acquitaine, which contains
what is now called Bordeaux, one of the world's premier wine-producing
regions then as now, one can hardly blame them.)
Anyway, about the end of the Hundred Years War, two things happened
in Britain that made life interesting. One was that a poet named
Geoffrey Chaucer published a wonderful book of stories called The
Canterbury Tales, told nor in Frenssh nor in Latyn but in Englysshe
of the common man. He captured the speech of the day and the
imagination of his countrymen. Not long (well, not in England,
where a hundred miles is a long way and a hundred years isn't a
long time) after, when the new printing press came across the channel,
William Caxton set type for Chaucer's ribald stories, using his own
prejudices and Chaucer's inconsistent conventions to set down the
text in characters. Caxton or one of his successors fell back on
"imperial," imperative," and the like, but "empire" and "emperor"
still showed the effects of William the Bastard and the long tenure
of the Plantagenets.
And *that's* why it's so bloody hard to learn to spell English.
I know that I should not be mad
To learn the past of play's not plaid,
Or that stay does not turn to staid,
Or yesterday, the donkey braid.
Is this Bill Caxton's golden calf?
It ought to be enough to laugh.
--Scott "The Venerable Bede meets Cecil Adams" Fisher
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 11:12:34 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Twinkie Research
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
"Twinkie, Twinkie,
Little suet-filled sponge cake crisco log,
Now I know just what you are."
"Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, or Food?"
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments:
EXPOSURE:
Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which time
an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling
across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even
pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained
its original color and form. When removed ... the Twinkie was found to
be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling,
however, retained its adverstised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2
minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top
of the oven ... a second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment
.. this Twinkie leaked molten white filling ... when cooled, this now
epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it
was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up ... then bounced onto its back. The
expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only
discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside
.. otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical
properties had noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was
noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,
the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same
"burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yelow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluable
artifical coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated
substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to
the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed
when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size
.. the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of
filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure ... the Twinkie disintegrated into
an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
.. the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial
coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally
categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required
before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY magazine, 7/89.
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Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 12:24 EDT
From: lda@hunny.research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #59
To: dopey!research!floyd!att!cs.purdue.edu!spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
> [Sort of like a University of Georgia grad, eh? :-) --spaf]
Go Tech! Did you hear that the Coca-Cola folks have to make special
production runs for all of the Coke they are going to ship to Athens, GA?
The bottom of each bottle bears the inscription "Open Other End"
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End of Yucks Digest
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