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Yucks Digest V1 #59
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To: yucks
-
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #59
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Wed, 19 Jun 91 09:56:18 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Wed, 19 Jun 91 Volume 1 : Issue 59
Today's Topics:
administrivia
"MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!" -- A new computer risk?
Dance Jesus Dance
Gender of the Lothie Goddess
Getting Feline attention
IBM Humor
It's all a matter of perspective
Romantic getaways in Illinois/Indiana/Michigan
Saddam's Concert Tour
Seen in rec.bicycles
Software methodology play
Waiter, There's A Rat in My Soup - and It's Delicious
What's good for Exxon is good for the USA?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed Jun 19 09:56:53 EST 1991
From: Der Spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: yucksters
Well, I'm back, for a few weeks at least.
I have a *huge* backlog of submissions to Yucks. I'll try to parcel
them out so as not to stack up a wave of five or six digests in your
mailboxes within a few days. However, you may get a digest each day
for the next few days!
For those of you interested, my trip to Europe was uneventful. Sometime,
I'm going to have to go without having work scheduled so I can do
some sight-seeing.....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 6 Jun 91 14:09:31 EDT
From: Lots of places, including comp.risks
Subject: "MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!" -- A new computer risk?
[The following story appeared in the Weekly World News, one of
my favorite tabloid "newspapers" I got no less than 7 copies of
this story from various sources. People seem to see this kind of
stuff and think of me. I wonder why, hmmm? --spaf]
MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!
Bizarre illness jamming up his brain waves!
Caption: SICK COMPUTER passed on a bizarre virus to programmer John Stevens,
above, after it became ill from an infected software program.
By Michael Todd, Special Correspondent, {Weekly World News}, 18 June 1991
John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think
logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus!
Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia
suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illness is something he got
from his sick computer. And the victim's doctor agrees. "I've run every test
I can think of to trace the origin of his illness," said Dr. Mark Fordland.
"He has a virus, but it's not like any virus I've ever seen."
Stevens, 32, said his computer began to show signs of a virus - a software
program designed to eat up an destroy other software data - about a week before
he got sick. "I was careless about borrowing software programs from other
people I didn't know well," Stevens admits.
Dr. Fordland, himself a computer expert, agrees. "Borrowing software
programs from friends and strangers is like having sex with someone you don't
know well. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've ever
slept with. When you borrow someone's software program, you're connected to
everyone who's ever used that program." Dr. Fordland concludes that Stevens'
symptoms are identical to that of a software virus' attack on a computer.
"Stevens has become forgetful, like something is eating up his memory, his
data. He has less and less energy. He can't hold onto thoughts. Even an EEG
(electroencephalogram) of his brain waves keeps changing. It's becoming more
and more erratic. "This virus could just eat him up until his mind is a blank
and he's like a vegetable," the doctor said.
[Sort of like a University of Georgia grad, eh? :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Jun 91 23:30:05 GMT
From: john@wpi.wpi.edu (John F Stoffel)
Subject: Dance Jesus Dance
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Jesus was at a disco and having trouble dancing, so he says "Help!
I've risen and I can't get down!"
------------------------------
Date: 4 Jun 91 20:56:00 GMT
From: sf20+@andrew.cmu.edu (Stuart Finkelstein)
Subject: Gender of the Lothie Goddess
Newsgroups: alt.sex
[I've deleted the message -- the article is passed along because
of the signature..... --spaf]
- Success is a lot like pissing in your pants while
wearing very dark slacks... it gives you a very warm
feeling, but sometimes no one notices.
11 === as you may notice, this is a state-of-the art
10 -|- .sig. whereas most .sig's only go up to 10,
09 -|- this one can go up to 11. why? well, say
08 -|- you're happily posting away at 10, but you
07 -|- need that little extra push that will drive
06 -|- you over the edge. where can you go?
05 -|- NOWHERE! with this state-of-the-art .sig,
04 -|- i can post as much as i like at 10, and
03 -|- when i really need that extra something to
02 -|- drive home a point, all i have to do is
01 -|- reach down and slide this baby up to 11.
00 -|- isn't modern technology wonderful?
(please try to imagine this side note in a
british accent.)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 8 Jun 91 20:26:29 -0400
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu
Subject: Getting Feline attention
To: spaf
Just remember, you can usually make a cat blink by hitting it with a hammer!
[Paul is not necessarily advocating this. We found this on a button in
a store at Underground Atlanta last week when I visited. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 8 Jun 91 23:30:05 GMT
From: rbj@uunet.uu.net (Root Boy Jim)
Subject: IBM Humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is from the X11R4 distribution. At the end of file
mit/server/ddx/ibm/ppc/ppcRot.c you will find the following code:
/* Following functions are added since it seems that the ppc has to solve
just about everybody's problems these days */
void
ppcEndWorldHunger()
{
ErrorF("ppcEndWorldHunger: not implemented yet.\n") ;
ErrorF("\tBlame Paquin, Fortune, Shupak, Weinstein, or Gould.\n") ;
return ;
}
void
ppcRefinanceNationalDebt()
{
ErrorF("ppcRefinanceNationalDebt: not implemented yet.\n") ;
return ;
}
void
ppcEndWarForever()
{
ErrorF("ppcEndWarForever: not implemented yet.\n") ;
return ;
}
void
ppcPayServerHackersWhatTheyreWorth()
{
ErrorF("ppcPayServerHackersWhatTheyreWorth: cannot execute.\n") ;
return ;
}
I also found in a system include file which declared a structure
for some mouse data. They needed to pad the end by two bytes,
and the last field was something like: short CurlyTail.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 15:11:55 PDT
From: rutgers!tc.fluke.com!moriarty (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: It's all a matter of perspective
To: spaf
[I'm not sure which is funnier -- the joke, or the movie review in
Jeff's signature file! --spaf]
Heard this one from my brother in law who is studying to be a technician.
Gorbachev, Bush, and Microsft's Bill Gates each receive a visit from the
Archangel Gabriel, who announces the End of the World will occur in 90 days.
Gorbachev goes back to the Politburo and says "I have bad news and
terrible news. The bad news is 'there IS a God' and the terrible
news is that the world will end in 90 days."
Bush goes back to the Cabinet and says "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is 'there IS a God' and the bad news is that He has
decided to destroy the world in 90 days."
Bill Gates calls a press conference and announces "I have good news and
terrific news. The good news is that I am as important as Bush or
Gorbachev, and the terrific news is that Apple Computer will be out of
business in three months."
-- Kurt Guntheroth
"I braved the contempt of my friends last week and
ventured out to see _Bambi_, the Disney rerelease
that is proving to be a hit once again in the box
office. I was looking forward to a gentle,
soothing, late afternoon relief from the
Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As
a psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early
adolescence, it couldn't be more effective. For
the first half-hour, you're lulled into an
agreeable sense of security and comfort. Birds
twitter; small rabbits turn out to be great
conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan
would describe as an absent father, but Mom's
there to make you feel OK in the odd thunderstorm.
You make great friends, fool around on the ice,
discover the meadow, generally mellow out. Then,
without any particular warning, your mom gets
shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start
appearing on your head, and your peers start
heading off into the clover with the apparent
intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the
forest burns down. If I were still eight, I think
I'd prefer _Rambo III_."
-- Townsend Davis
------------------------------
From: berryh@udel.edu (John Berryhill)
Subject: Romantic getaways in Illinois/Indiana/Michigan
Newsgroups: soc.couples,rec.travel,alt.romance,talk.bizarre
Why, there are tons of romantic things to do in those states.
The Tri-County Corn Museum in Peoria is always a big hit with young
lovers. They've got dozens of charming and informative displays that
will entertain and educate you on the life cycle of several corn
hybrids and more than a few soybean varieties as well.
Whenever I'm in Indiana, my wife and I always go out of our way to see the
"Flattest Acre On Earth" near Merrillville, Indiana. Considered by many to
be "the eighth or ninth wonder of the world," this attraction has been
certified by the National Institute of Standards and Technology to be the
most level naturally-ocurring acre of soil on the planet, and perhaps, the
entire solar system. Tours of the park start about every half-hour and
last about 3 hours or so. For extra fun, bring a plumb bob and a spirit
level and check it out yourself. Don't forget to stop at the nearby
"Dan Quayle Birthplace National Shrine" either.
If Michigan is more to your liking, be sure not to miss the exciting "50
Years of Brake Pads Amusement Park" near Flint. Celebrating the
semicentennial of the invention of brake pads, this action-packed
attraction is sure to provide non-stop fun for lovers, families, and anyone
else who has a hard time slowing down. After an exciting and informative
day at the park, relax across the street at the "Skid Mark Inn." Their
world-class bartender, Ray Bestos, is famous for his "Fluid Change Special."
Hope this list helps. Have a good time.
[Wow! And Kathy and I thought there was nothing to do around here! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 5 Jun 91 23:30:06 GMT
From: shafe@leland.stanford.edu (Mathew Shafe)
Subject: Saddam's Concert Tour
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Concert Report: Saddam Hussein - Mideast Tour
"The Mother of All Tours"
June 15, 1990 Baghdad
August 2 Kuwait City
August 15 Riyadh <CANCELLED>
August 30 Dharan <CANCELLED>
September 15 Mecca and Jedda <CANCELLED>
October 1 Bahrain <CANCELLED>
October 15 United Arab Emirates <CANCELLED>
October 30 Oman <CANCELLED>
November 14 Tehran <CANCELLED>
November 25 Turkey (Thanksgiving) <CANCELLED>
December 25 Bethlehem and Israel <CANCELLED>
For those lucky enough to see this concert in Baghdad and Kuwait, this show
was a show nobody will ever forget. For the hundreds of thousands camped out
to witness this concert, the 6-month wait (by far the longest ever) was
worth the ordeal and lived up to its name. About every conceivable record
was broken as far as concerts go, even with the tour ending prematurely.
Replied concert goers:
"They'll be cleaning up from this one for years!"
"The best laser show I've seen!"
"A little too heavy on the smoke."
"Wow, man, like the ground shook!"
"They will be writing books about this concert! A real killer!"
"Beats any 'Floyd' and 'Dead' concert I've been to!"
The Kuwait City concert was unprecidented: noise complaints were
registered from thousands of miles away - even the U.N. complained!
In an interview, Saddam Hussein replied, "I was born to be Iraq's Star."
Asked about the mass migration of Kurds to Turkey and Iran, Saddam reasoned
that they must be unaware of the tour's cancellation and should all go home.
He promised them concert T-shirts as a token consillation.
The remainder of the tour was cancelled because of various complications. For
example, Saddam Hussein's roadies left after the Kuwait City gig and never
returned with the instruments. A new crew is forming for a later
tour, but the multi-billions invested in instruments and special effects
is a significant loss. Many of the road crew members were arrested by the
500,000+ police force.
The B-52's showed up outside Baghdad and were a hit. U-2's were also
nearby with their new release, "War". Obviously, timing was bad for
this tour.
The group's managment, "Megadeth", had no previous management experience.
They even forgot to arrange food catering service for the crew.
Saddam's stunning videos seen by the entire world were also dissapointing.
First, the video where dressed-up Saddam is shown with children on his lap
was targeted for an audience much too young - many parents demanded warning
labels. Other videos featuring bruised men were simply too weird and even
censored by some organizations.
Saddam's opening band, "New Kids on the Block" was also a poor choice:
they went around igniting wells with vodka and trashing hotels. Alcoholic
beverages are strictly forbidden in the Moslem religon.
Police arrested tens of thousands and used deadly force to supress the crowds.
Replied a promoter, "I think the 500,000+ police force was entirely
unecessary. They killed and beat people. They are a big part of the
reason why the tour was cancelled."
It is rumored that Saddam will get Mummar Khaddafy to play openings on the
next tour. No date has been set yet because band mebers are still recovering
from hangovers.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Jun 91 12:16:35 EST
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: Seen in rec.bicycles
To: spaf
>> On my way home the other day, I saw four riders with some kind of team
>> jerseys on riding two by two *very* close together behind a small car
>> with its hatchback open. The two front riders tires were extremely close
>> to the bumper and the car had its 4-way flashers on. They were doing about
>> 20mph.
>>
>> What were they doing?
>>
>> They were obviously attacking the car. It was probably one of those flimsy 4
>> cylinder imports. My guess would be that previously the cyclists had been
>> riding a tight paceline. When the leader caught the car he whipped out his
>> silca and started beating the daylights out of it. This damaged the hatcback
>> and caused it to fly open. Once they caught and wounded the car the cyclists
>> regrouped into the formation you described above. The low speed is explained
>> by the damage done by the cyclists.
>>
>> I bet that driver wont honk at cyclists again.
------------------------------
Date: 8 Jun 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: anonymous@ehewhon.com
Subject: Software methodology play
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This play concerns 1 engineer and 5 non-engineers (Marketing, Management
etc.) It is an extended analogy, and speculates on the interaction if the
goal were nothing as hard to understand as software development, but
something much simpler. It is intended to put the problems in the software
industry into a more realistic perspective than the usual attempts to solve
them do.
Engineer: So I understand that the task is to transport 12 people from
their current location to the house of John Smith.
Non-engineer1: That's right. What do you need to do this?
Engineer: Well, that depends on where John Smith's house is and
on where the 12 people are.
Non-engineer1: The 12 people are at headquarters in Cambridge Massachusetts.
Non-engineer2: The location of John Smith's house is a technical question.
Potential changes in the market imply we should not narrow
ourselves to an answer to that just now. Propose a solution
that will work for all possible locations,
Engineer: But that makes it an almost impossible problem.
Non-engineer1: Now to return to the question of what you need...
Engineer: What I need depends on the location of John Smith's house.
Non-engineer3: Oh, John Smith's house is in Springfield, I'm sure of it.
Engineer: Is that Springfield Massachusetts? or Springfield Illinois?
Non-engineer3: What difference does it make? Springfield is Springfield!
Non-engineer4: Well actually, he said he lived in Boston.
Non-engineer3: Boston? No I am SURE he said Springfield.
Non-engineer1: Is it possible that he meant the Boston-area?
Non-engineer2: And we want the transportation to be handicapped accessible.
Non-engineer4: Well, not in the first release.
Non-engineer3: Right, leave that as a future improvement.
Engineer: I'm going to make the simplifying assumption that the John
Smith whose house is the destination lives in the city of
Springfield that is closest to Boston, thus arguably in
the Boston-area, thus that John Smith lives in Springfield
Massachusetts, and that the transportation need not be
handicapped accessible. Okay?
Non-engineer4: Are you sure it was not James Jones whose house was the
destination?
Non-engineer1: No, we all agree it's John Smith.
Engineer: So, SUBJECT to my simplifying assumption, I will need a
transportation vehicle that seats at least 12 people.
Non-engineer2: 12 people? That's non-standard! That'll takes us a while.
Non-engineer1: It fits in the "buying externally visible things" budget.
We can manage it.
Engineer: I'll also need a map of Massachusetts.
Non-engineer1: That is an "paper things" expense, and we have frozen all
"paper things" expenses. I'm afraid you'll have to do
without that.
Engineer: I guess I can make do.
Non-engineer: We'll let you know in a week.
(3 weeks later)
NE1: Here is your transportation vehicle. We have EXCEEDED your standards!
Eng; Exceeded? Oh really?
N1: Yes. Here is a transportation vehicle that seats MORE than 12 people!
It seats 40 people! A 1968 bluebird schoolbus.
Eng: Oh, a nonstandard bus, huh, I can work with that.
NE1: How long until you can propose a solution?
Eng: Give me a day to look over the bus.
(1 day later)
Eng: We have a problem. This bus has no engine.
NE1: No engine? Well, you didn't specify that the vehicle have an engine.
Eng: If it does not have an engine then it will not serve as a transportation
vehicle.
NE1: Well do the best you can.
Eng: Well I cannot very well transport people in a vehicle without an engine.
NE4: Could you push it?
Eng: Can we BUY a second-hand engine?
NE2: No, our "buying slightly expensive second-hand things" budget is used up.
Eng: Can we buy it using the same money as we bought the bus with?
NE1: No, an engine is not externally visible,
but our "buying little things" budget still has
money. Can we buy all the pieces of an engine and assemble it?
Eng: Who's "we"? I cannot assemble an engine myself. If you have money for
little things, let's buy a map. Can't you get me a roadworthy
transportation vehicle somehow? It would be the easiest solution.
NE1: No map. Too expensive.
NE2: Well, if we can find a vehicle the meets the company's standards...
If you are actually going to drive in it on public roads,
it has to be safe enough.
NE3: Well, maybe our "Replace old things with better things" budget has money.
NE2: That is possible.
NE1: Well, look into it.
NE2: I shall.
(6 weeks later)
NE2: We HAVE a roadworthy vehicle for you. A 1974 VW Bug.
Eng: But that does not seat 12 people.
NE2: So make two trips.
Eng: Three trips.
NE2: Look, the details are YOUR problem.
NE1: Did you solve the "map issue"?
Eng: Yes, I borrowed a map from my old college room-mate.
NE2: So it did not impact your delivery schedule.
Eng: Delivery schedule? no. Possibly quality. You see, the map is in
French and out of date, and is written for bicyclers, so my information
is less reliable and it took me more time to read it.
NE1: When can we expect delivery.
Eng: How about tomorrow.
(next day)
Eng: Okay, where are the 12 people?
NE2: Well, we needed the possibility of transporting 12 people, but there
actually aren't 12 people here. Only 4 of us need to go.
Eng: So that was not a real requirement.
NE2: Of course it was a requirement. See it in this document?
(pulls a document from an 18-inch (45 cm) high stack of papers).
NE4: Shall we leave now?
Eng: Yes, let's leave.
NE1: How are we going to fit my wheelchair in a VW Bug?
Eng: You said we didn't NEED handicapped accessible for this release.
NE1: Handicapped accessible, no, but I WANT to roll into the car in my
wheelchair.
Eng: Into a VW Bug? How do you expect me to arrange that?
No, handicapped accessible is in a later release.
And rolling your wheelchair into the vehicle is part of that.
(They fold and ties the wheelchair to the roof, get in the car and by an
especially circuitous route because the car does not fit down some
bicycling paths, arrive at the destination)
Eng: Here we are, John Smith's house.
NE4: Is this James Jones's house in Illinois?
Eng: No, this is John Smith's house in Springfield, Massachusetts.
NE4: But I thought...
Eng: Did you read the documents?
NE4: No, of course not.
(a day later)
NE1: We have to do something about our methodology.
NE2: Yes, the delivery too much too long, and did not meet requirements.
NE4: Engineers are not productive enough.
NE3: The next time we want to do a transportation project we should
make the engineer report his progress twice a day instead of daily.
NE1: Yes, that should improve matters.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 91 10:20:51 -0400 (EDT)
From: Chris Koenigsberg <ckk+@andrew.cmu.edu>
Subject: Waiter, There's A Rat in My Soup - and It's Delicious
To: subgenius@media-lab.media.mit.edu
Source: Wall Street Journal, May 31, 1991
[This was also in the European edition of WSJ. I carried the copy
around with me for nearly a week, only to return home to find 3 copies
from various sources in my mailbox, thus saving lots of typing Thanks,
all! --spaf]
GUANGZHOU, China -- The Cantonese people of south China are legendary for
eating anything that moves -- and some things that are still moving. The
food market here features cats, raccoons, owls, doves and snakes along with
bear and tiger's paw, dried deer penis and decomposed monkey skeletons.
Now, this rich culinary tradition, along with rising disposable income in
this most prosperous city in China, has inspired kitchen utensil salesman
Zhang Guoxun to open what is believed to be China's first restaurant
dedicated to serving rat.
That's right: Rat. Rat with Chestnut and Duck. Lemon Deep Fried Rat.
Satayed Rat Slices with Vermicelli. In fact, the menu lists 30 different
rat dishes, even including Liquored Rat Flambe, along with more mundane
dishes such as Hot Pepper Silkworm, Raccoon With Winter Melon and Sliced
Snake and Celery. And in the six months since the doors opened, customers
have been scampering in at all hours to the euphemistically named Jialu
(Superior to Deer) Restaurant.
"I was always eating out, but I got bored with the animals that restau-
rants offered," Mr. Zhang says during an interview over a plate of Black-
Bean Rat. "I wanted to open a restaurant with an affordable exotic animal.
Then I was walking home one night and a rat ran across in front of me and
gave me this idea."
Mr. Zhang's restaurant is as trendy as they come in China. The 15-table,
two-story eatery is a mixture of blond wood furniture, stucco walls and
wooden lattice laced with plastic vines. Tonight's crowd includes a young
couple who stroll in hand-in-hand and nestle in a quiet corner for a
romantic rat dinner. Other groups include engineers, office clerks,
salesmen and factory workers.
Tonight's special is Braised Rat. Garnished with sprigs of cilantro, the
morsels of rat meat are swaddled in crispy rat skin. The first nibble
reveals a rubbery texture. But the skin coats one's teeth with a stubborn
slime. The result is a bit like old chewing gum covered with Crisco.
But other dishes are better. German Black Pepper Rat Knuckle (rat should-
ers, actually; the knuckles are too small) tastes like a musty combination
of chicken and pork. The rat soup, with delicate threads of rat meat mixed
with thinly sliced potatoes and onions, is surprisingly sweet. Far and away
most appealing to the Western palate is Rat Kabob. The skewers of char-
coaled rat fillet are enlivened with slices of onion, mushroom and green
pepper and served smothered in barbecue sauce on sizzling iron plates that
are shaped like cows.
Also on the menu: a Nest of Snake and Rat, Vietnamese Style Rat Hot Pot, a
Pair of Rats Wrapped in Lotus Leaves, Salted Rat with Southern Baby
Peppers, Salted Cunning Rats, Fresh Lotus Seed Rat Stew, Seven-Color Rat
Threads, Dark Green Unicorn Rat -- and, of course, Classic Steamed Rat.
Generally, the presentation is quite elegant, with some dishes served with
lemon slices or scallions forming a border and others with carrots carved
into flower shapes.
Experienced rat eaters, however, warn that this is no meat to pig out on.
"Watch out," warns Wei Xiuwen, a factory manager eating at an adjacent
table. "If you eat too much rat, you get a nosebleed." Several customers
take off their shirts halfway through the meal because eating rat, like
dog, seems to raise the body temperature for some reason. That's why rat is
considered a winter food. In the summer, the restaurant does most of its
business during the late-night and early-morning hours, after the weather
cools down.
The restaurant is popular -- Mr. Zhang claims profits of $2,000 a month --
because it brings people back to their roots. The restaurant's cooks, and
most customers, are originally from the countryside, where as children they
ate air-dried rat meat. "If dried by a north wind, it tastes just like
duck," Che Yongcheng, an engineer and regular customer, says wistfully of
his favorite childhood snack.
For newcomers, Mr. Zhang has color brochures, featuring a photo of Rat
Kabobs alongside a bottle of Napoleon X.O. In both the menu and brochure,
the rats are referred to as "super deer" because Mr. Zhang says he wants to
separate his fare from the common sewer rats that even Cantonese might find
unappetizing. Mr. Zhang says his restaurant serves only free range rats,
wild rodents that feed on fruits and vegetables in the mountains a couple
of hundred kilometers to the north.
The brochure explains why rats are the health food for the 1990s. It says
the rats are rich in 17 amino acids, vitamin E and calcium. Eating them
promises to prevent hair loss, revive the male libido, cure premature
senility, relieve tension and reduce phlegm. A rat's "liver, gallbladder,
fat, brain, head, eye, saliva, bone, skin" are "useful for medical
treatment," says the brochure.
The restaurant's basement kitchen is a Dante's Inferno where shirtless
cooks sweat over huge woks atop howling gasfueled stoves that shoot flames
five feet in the air. Dozens of fat, ready-to-cook rats are piled in a
bamboo basket next to a crust-covered pump that noisily slurps up a small
river of scum that runs off the stove and across the floor.
The senior chef is not here tonight. An understudy, Huang Lingtun, clad in
rubber sandals and pants rolled up to his knees, explains how the rats are
rounded up. They're captured and cleaned by farmers who free-lance as rat
bounty hunters. Some smoke the rats out by setting fields on fire and
snaring the fleeing rats in nets attached to long bamboo poles. Others
string wires across fields to stun unsuspecting rodents with high voltage
charges. The rats, each about a half-pound, arrive at the restaurant
freshly gutted, beheaded and de-tailed.
Mr. Zhang says that the traditional recipes on his menu were suggested by
Tang Qixin, a farmer honored as a model worker by Mao in 1958 for his
prowess as a rat killer. Rat eradication campaigns have been a staple of
Chinese life since Mao declared war on the four pests -- rats, flies,
mosquitoes and bed bugs -- in the 1950s.
In 1984, the last Year of the Rat, the government launched an all-out
crusade in which an estimated 526 million rats were killed. In 1985, the
government tried to maintain the momentum by promoting rat meat as good
food, explaining that "rats are better looking than sea slugs and cleaner
than chickens and pigs."
Like most successful entrepreneurs during these times of shifting poli-
tical winds in China, Mr. Zhang is quick to highlight the patriotic nature
of his business rather than the personal economic benefits. "I am helping
the government by eliminating some pests and helping enrich some farmers,"
he says.
Mr. Zhang says he's too new to the business to think about a chain of rat
restaurants. But he says he's unconcerned about anyone stealing his idea.
"My quality is tops," he says, "so I'm not worried about competitors."
[Just think of the franchise possibilities! I wonder if Dave Thomas
ever visits China when he thinks up the new Wendy's speciality dishes?
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 11 Jun 91 16:20:06 GMT
From: leban%par6@cs.umass.edu (Bruce Leban)
Subject: What's good for Exxon is good for the USA?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
EXXON SAYS ALASKA BENEFITED FROM SPILL
Exxon Corp. said yesterday that the people and industry of Alaska had
profited from the 1989 Valdez oil spill, when millions of barrels of oil
spewed into Prince William Sound, tarring beaches and killing wildlife.
...
"The state of Alaska has been impacted but it's all been good," Exxon's
director of Alaskan operations Otto Harrison said at a Houston news
conference.
...
An Exxon spokesman [later] said that Harrison was referring only to the
economic repercussions of the spill.
[Believe it or not, the above is a *true* excerpt
from the Boston Globe, Thursday, May 9, 1991]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
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