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Yucks Digest V1 #45
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #45
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 02:27:32 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Fri, 19 Apr 91 Volume 1 : Issue 45
Today's Topics:
Alien Stories Found Unsatisfactory
American BEER? (Was Re: American Food As An Alternative To...)
Evil Cake Contest
Literary criticism meets COBOL
Michael Jackson is creating new image of himself
Official Seminar Translation Service
Semper Pi
Subject: Watch the Birdie!
Uhhhhhh....
Wax tadpoles and life
Women and men
Yucks Digest V1 #44
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 18 Apr 91 01:34:25 GMT
From: gcf@mydog.UUCP (Gordon Fitch)
Subject: Alien Stories Found Unsatisfactory
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy,alt.rissa
I find the current crop of alien stories unsatisfactory. Perhaps
some criticism will lead to an improvement.
If extraterrestrials are approaching and abducting human beings,
flying about in mysterious vehicles, and so forth, we must assume
they have superior technology. The aliens themselves may be
superior, too. Two analogies come to mind. (1) A modern power
boat with scientists aboard comes to an island in New Guinea and
confronts the natives, who have not heard about the modern world.
This analogizes the situation where the aliens are not superior,
but their technology is. (2) A modern power boat with scientists
aboard comes to an island in New Guinea and confronts the native
pigs. This analogizes the situation where the aliens are
themselves superior.
Now, in both cases, one thing is clear: the people on the boat
are going to be doing a great many things which the natives, or
the pigs, will find totally incomprehensible. What they will not
observe is a group of people acting pretty much like the folks at
home.
Yet when we read the stories of the aliens, there is very little
incomprehensible behavior. Instead, the aliens act like any
technologically-oriented people: they perform experiments, make
observations, use measuring devices, tools, surgical instruments.
Some of the tools are strange, but the behavior is unmistakable.
Now, I would expect a good, solid extraterrestrial story to go
something like this: "The aliens seemed to be seated on
pulsating fluorescent-green ottomans and gesticulated randomly.
Above their heads, a large silvery sphere appeared and
disappeared. Suddenly, a small humanoid head appeared in front
of me making voice-like sounds. When I replied, the whole lot
vanished." That's just for the non-superior aliens. When the
superior beings show up, things get kind of weird.
What's the point of coming all the way from Alpha Centauri just
to act like somebody in the white-coat sort of antacid
commercial? None. Nobody's going to bother. They'd just stay
home and watch their version of the tube.
Hope this helps.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Apr 91 01:54:19 GMT
From: rick@ptcburp.ptcbu.oz.au (Rick Stevenson)
Subject: American BEER? (Was Re: American Food As An Alternative To...)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
If you sent American beer out to be analyzed, the lab would probably phone up
and say, "Your horse has diabetes" - Sharyn McCrumb, Bimbos of the Death Sun.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1991 22:01:58 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Evil Cake Contest
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
The actual origins of the Annual Adolph Eichmann's Evil Cake Contest are
probably better off lost in the hall-closet of history, but the legend remains.
The contest was born out of a student paper on Hannah Arendt which was
submitted as an assignment in The Schoolhouse (a writing program). The
only extant fragment of that immortal paper is part of its final sentence:
"...but the icing on Adolph Eichmann's evil cake was..." which spawned
a tradition of writing unknown to man before its time, and which has
been reverently memorialized by an annual event.
Excerpts from this year's contest entries rate no more introduction:
"In short, Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the
ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze."
"The Syracusans defeated the Athenians on their own turf, the sea."
"Like raisins in a bread pudding, the moments lie within the body of Henry."
"As a domestic animal, Othello is a child."
"Morality is ubiquitous in everything that is good or bad."
"Why should someone be penalized because he has studied diligently and
deciduously in high school."
"`Tyranny of the majority' as a dangerous and omnipotent force is still
a dangerous issue - we see it manifest itself in our culture in such things
as florescent biker shorts and Motley Crue."
"In the upcoming times of cutbacks, the defense industry can turn to
making stimulation devices."
"Today, the world is teetering on the brink of nuclear Agamemnon."
"But when the chips are down, women hold the reins."
------------------------------
Date: 18 Apr 91 04:38:04 EST (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: Literary criticism meets COBOL
To: spaf
Contributed by: Jonathan R. Partington) (JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk)
A team of American scholars have performed a detailed computer
analysis and they confirm that the language COBOL was invented
by William Shakespeare (and not by Bacon, Elizabeth I, Walter
Raleigh, Marlowe, Ben Johnson, or Don Knuth.) Taking a large
sample of known COBOL programs, and works by the above authors,
they performed a detailed analysis and confirm that COBOL
matched the Shakespearean style almost perfectly. It also
enabled them to identify various other works as COBOL programs
which were previously thought to be poetry. For example the
following is now known to be a genuine COBOL program.
"Let us ADD our INCOME to our CAPITAL, as the squirrel adds to
its autumn horde. Aye, there's the SUM that makes a TOTAL
WEALTH. 3000 DUCATS? Is this an EXPENDITURE I see before me?
Marry 'tis best 'twere TAKEN AWAY, like as the magpie taketh
away the jewel of great price. But hist! Here cometh the
INTEREST, and 'tis of no mean interest, i' faith! I had lief ADD
a percentage of this, than clasp my fair Rosalind's spleen."
Scholars have occasionally suspected that COBOL programs are
supposed to have a 'hidden agenda', rather than being straight
works of art in themselves. One bizarre theory is that they may
contain numerical calculations embedded in them -- indeed some
scholars claimed that a Baconian cipher was involved. This seems
implausible however.
Analysis of FORTRAN programs is next on the list -- can 'Into
the Valley of Death GOTO 600' really be by Alfred Lord Tennyson,
or is just a pastiche of his style? Nobody knows for sure.
On the other hand, scholars are fairly sure than the C language
was devised by James Joyce -- mainly because, like Joyce, most
of it is totally unreadable.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 12:53:31 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Michael Jackson is creating new image of himself
To: yucks-request
By George Varga Copley News Service Michael Jackson may soon be
coming to your area, and perhaps even to your home at least in a
manner.
No, the reclusive pop superstar hasn't changed his decision to
stop touring. But in a move that could rival the debut of MusiCards
(the pop- music equivalent of baseball trading cards announced last
week), Jackson has now licensed his likeness or at least one of
them to JR Holographics Inc., which will sell a series of embossed
Jackson holograms and "Display" silver halide Jackson transmission
holograms.
The holograms of Jackson, who recently signed a film and recording
contract with Sony that could bring him up to $1 billion, are made by
overlaying more than 360 images of the singer's face to create a three-
dimensional moving figure effect. As the viewer moves, Jackson's
expression changes from one of contemplation to a cheerful smile.
That smile may reflect Jackson's contemplation of the potential
income his hologram venture could bring him. The "Display" holograms
will retail in a numbered edition at prices ranging "between $20,000
and $25,000," according to Jackson's Los Angeles public relations
company. The "consumer-priced," circular embossed holograms of Jackson
are priced at "under $10," while a larger, oval-shaped hologram of the
singer are priced at "under $30."
For those unable to decide whether to spend $20,000 on the Jackson
"Display" hologram or more mundane matters (like, oh, feeding their
family or making a down-payment on a home), the "Display" holograms
will be hung for public viewing at "prestigious" art and science
museums throughout the world.
But unlike MusiCards, which are designed to be traded, it will not
be possible for enterprising fans to exchange, say, 2,000 $10 circular
embossed Jackson holograms for one $20,000 Jackson "display" hologram.
Meanwhile, there is apparently no truth to the rumor that Jackson
will stay home for his next press conference while one of his holograms
appears in his place.
- " `The Doors' Bores" is the consensus reached by many music
and film critics about Oliver Stone's ham-fisted film tribute to
the ever- popular '60s Los Angeles rock band the Doors. But a lack of
critical praise for Stone's mangled movie hasn't stopped at least one
former member of the legendary band from capitalizing on the film.
Ex-Doors guitarist Robby Krieger has put together a new group that
will perform classic Doors' hits and original material. The group will
be known as the Robby Krieger Band.
The band's singer is Krieger's 18-year-old son, Waylon, while its
bassist is Berry Oakley Jr., 18, the son of the deceased bassist for
the Allman Brothers. Rounding out the lineup is drummer Dale Alexander
(a former Prince band member) and veteran guitarist Wah-Wah Watson,
whose past credits include everyone from Herbie Hancock and Marvin Gaye
to Barbra Streisand and Michael Jackson (the singer, not the
hologram).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 22:53:05 edt
From: "Patrick Tufts" <zippy@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Official Seminar Translation Service
To: spaf
To: faculty, grads, research
Subject: Friday Sem. correction
Seminar | The speaker talks about
on | the time he learned how
Card Shuffling and Entropy | to fan cards at Atlantic City,
| but dropped the deck.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 04:36:32 UTC
From: "Phil Karn" <karn@pc.ka9q.ampr.org>
Subject: Semper Pi
To: bostic@okeeffe.berkeley.edu, spaf
One wonders how Captain Holcomb's superiors reacted to his enthusiastic
destruction of a computer that might have contained valuable intelligence
information...
To say nothing of the waste of munitions. I bet the hand grenade cost
more than the PC. It probably had more MIPs, too.
[Some of us would view a hand grenade as more user-friendly than a PC, too.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 12:52:49 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Subject: Watch the Birdie!
To: yucks-request
4,000 Finches Trained For Film
By TARA BRADLEY-STECK
PITTSBURGH (AP)
Imagine 4,000 birds with butterflies in their stomachs.
Thousands of cutthroat finches trained for five months to appear
in a Stephen King movie, but the frantic flap of their wings was over
in a flash.
As fast as director George Romero could say "action," the birds
were released into a dimly lighted room as Michael Rooker, playing a
sheriff, untied a rope binding actress Amy Madigan's feet.
Seconds later, Romero signaled "cut," and the brief moment of
glory was over for the fleet-winged flock.
The months of training daily flights in a warehouse, lessons on
how to fly through smaller and smaller openings and learning where
and when to perch culminated one day in February when Romero shot
much of the cathartic climax scene for his thriller, "The Dark Half."
The film, based on the novel by King of the same name, also stars
Timothy Hutton and is due in theaters by the end of the year.
The finches, which double as sparrows for the movie, are the
symbolic heart of the film, mystical harbingers of a character
portrayed by Hutton.
As such, they are critical to the plot. But how do you train one
finch, let alone 4,000?
That small feat was handed to animal trainer Mark Harden, who's
worked with everything from spiders to snakes to sea lions. "We had
to figure out what they were like and tailor the movie around them,"
said Harden of Animal Actors of Hollywood.
"We took only 1,500 at first because I didn't want to commit to
the whole flock until I understood them. By the time the second group
of birds came, we were ready for them."
For example, the crew discovered finches like to perch "live to
perch" according to Harden. So trainers positioned stands behind the
camera, and when the birds were released, they remained in the
camera's sight as they flew to the perch.
Ten people, including two veterinarians, were assigned to work
with the finches from August through February, when filming ended.
"Our lives are totally governed by them," Harden said. "They need
to eat four times a day. They need light to eat, but if you turn off
the lights they almost get catatonic."
Representatives of the Humane Society made periodic checks of the
facilities and were present to watch when the birds were used in
filming.
"We found no fault with the whole works," said Robert Gosser of
the Humane Society's Pittsburgh chapter.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 12:54:14 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Uhhhhhh....
To: yucks-request
So Why Do People Say `Uhhhh?'
NEW YORK (AP)
Finding the right words to, uhhhh, express yourself properly is
more a product of subject matter than, ummmm, decisiveness and
intelligence. Just ask some, uhhhh, Columbia University researchers.
They've been counting uhhhs and ummmms for two years to find why
some people pause more often than others. Their answer: It depends on
what the speaker is talking about.
Chemistry and mathematics have a lower uhhhh rating than art or
literature, the researchers found. The reason: The very nature of the
subject limits the word choices speakers must make.
The ummmm quest started after psychology professor Stanley
Schachter heard a lecturer "who so hummed and hawed that it drove me
out of my mind," he recalled. The phenomenon is called "filled
pauses."
Analyzing the words of professors in 41 classroom lectures in 10
academic areas, Schachter and graduate student Nicholas Christenfeld
found plenty of uhs in the speech of some but few in others.
The lowest rate was found during four biology lessons with less
than one uh a minute escaping the instructors' lips. The most
occurred in English literature classes as speakers racked up 6.54 uhs
per minute (UPM).
Natural science lecturers registered 1.39 UPM; social science
lecturers, 3.84; humanities lecturers, 4.82, according to findings
published in the March issue of the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology.
Could the explanation be that different sorts of people were
attracted to the various disciplines? To find out, the same lecturers
were asked in interviews about graduate training requirements.
The researchers found "the members of different departments were
virtually identical in the tendency to say uh during the interview."
So it was the subject matter, not the speaker.
Why does subject matter make the difference?
"Think of a statement like E equals MC squared. It can't be MC to
the third power or to the fourth power. There are absolutely no
alternatives," Schachter said. "Compare that to if you were to
conclude a sentence with the reason Jackson Pollock put that red dot
up in the upper right hand corner of the canvas. The alternatives are
practically limitless."
Previous research has found "that you say um or take a silent
pause whenever machinery is processing your verbal output or when
it's searching for the next idea, sentence, word or phrase," said
Schachter.
They tried their uh measure elsewhere. George Bush was producing
1.7 uhs a minute when he debated Michael Dukakis during the 1988
presidential campaign. Dukakis came in at 2.7 uhs per minute.
One of the highest rates seen belonged to talk show host David
Letterman, who says uh eight to 10 times a minute.
Don't, uhhh, get the wrong idea. Plenty of factors are at play.
Schachter says women utter fewer uhs than men and older people may
use them when memory fails.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1991 22:01:58 PDT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Wax tadpoles and life
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
(From Matthew Christian, Lotus)
The phrase "bite the wax tadpole" has been surfacing in conversations
lately so I decided to play junior detective and find its origin. I
had a dim memory that the words "CocaCola", when spoken in some Asian
tongue, meant the phrase in question.
Fortunately CocaCola has a consumer hotline at (800) 438-2653. I spoke
with Phillipe Jefferson who gave me the official word on MagicCans
(only 200,000 were distributed, but many are still out there) and wax
tadpoles (it's true).
The language is Chinese. The phoenems have multiple meanings which are
determined by context. Out of context they can be construed many
amusing ways. Coke's official translation of "CocaCola" is "To allow
the mouth to be able to rejoyce". They really got lucky with that one.
Other possibilities are "female horse fattened with wax" and "bite the
wax tadpole". These cross-cultural distortions were first recognised
in the 1920s when Coke began crossing the borders.
The truth is out. We can all sleep soundly knowing that even though we
"can't beat the real thing", we can at least "bite the wax tadpole".
------------------------------
Date: 18 Apr 91 17:26:08 GMT
From: look@this.EBay.Sun.COM (Jim Bernstein)
Subject: Women and men
Newsgroups: rec.humor,soc.women,soc.men
[This is alleged to have been derived from a Mike Royko piece.
Although full of stereotypes, I think many of the Yucks readership
may identify with the material herein. Me, I identify with monotypes.
--spaf]
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive
you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I
Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have
made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy
and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned
on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit
laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
at the end of the note.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car
on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going
to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her
dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her
feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all
day.
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any
time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning
for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of
the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That
must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS
the pain.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth
perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men
talk about "the bachelor party".
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the
back.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating out:
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the
while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get
there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize
that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always
end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men
use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
like a lounge singer named Vic.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 Apr 91 10:33:23 -0700
From: Rex Black <rutgers!devnet.la.locus.com!rex>
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #44
To: spaf
-------
> Notice to our Readers: The District Attorney of Hampden County,
> Mass., to pursue legal action in an obscenity case, is required by
> law to place this Legal Notice in a daily newspaper in Boston...
> [Long list of XXX movies deleted...]
> TO: All persons interested in the dissemination of the above publications.
> You are hereby given notice to SHOW CAUSE why the above
> entitled publications should not be judicially determined to be
> obscene...
Two questions:
1. If I were to be selected for the jury in this case, would I have to
watch all 300-odd movies?
2. If so, would it be okay if I brought my girlfriend?
[Kids, don't try this at home.....]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------