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Yucks Digest V1 #38
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #38
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Mon, 1 Apr 91 19:41:48 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Mon, 1 Apr 91 Volume 1 : Issue 38
Today's Topics:
Announcement from Microsoft
Humorous story on bushwacking from local magazine
News from the Great White North
New Shipping Dock Procedures
NeXTStep 4.1.91 Released on April 1st :-)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 31 Mar 91 23:59:51 GMT
From: t-billg@microsoft.UUCP (Big Guy)
Subject: Announcement from Microsoft
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.misc,comp.sys.ibm.pc.misc,comp.os.msdos.misc,comp.windows.misc,comp.windows.ms
A message for the veteran Macintosh user, from the people at Microsoft:
Have you felt left out of recent personal computer developments? Does it
feel like the advances of the computer world are passing the Macintosh by?
You've probably been using the Macintosh for a number of years now.
You've gotten used to the idea that a computer doesn't have to have a
cumbersome awkward interface based on obscure cryptic commands. And you've
grown accustomed to the user interface standard to which all the other user
interfaces are compared. An interface that remains consistent across a
variety of applications that really do give you the power to be your best.
But recently, all the attention seems to have moved away from the Macintosh.
Developments in the IBM-PC world have overshadowed the enhancements being
made to your favorite computer. Macs are no longer in the spotlight, no
longer the leading edge of computing technology that they once were.
Or so it seemed to much of the world. Until now.
Announcing, at last, a revolutionary new system that gives you even more
consistency, compatibility, and capability than you've ever known before.
Announcing...
Microsoft Windows for the Macintosh
Yes, all the power you've come to know on your IBM PC will soon be available
on the Macintosh, too. Get all the power and function of Windows applications
like Microsoft Word for Windows and Microsoft Excel for Windows, right there
on your Macintosh. Now the Macintosh user will come to know what users of
Windows on the IBM PC have known for some time now: that a powerful graphical
icon-based user interface will give you even more power to be your best than
you've ever had before!
Prices:
-------
Microsoft Windows for the Macintosh $395 (requires 4MB RAM,
(comes with Windows for the Mac, hard drive,
Toolbook for Windows for the Mac, AppleTalk,
plus two exciting applications: Mac IIfx or SE/860,
Write/Mac and Paintbrush/Mac) and System 7.0)
Microsoft Word for Windows for the Mac $495 (requires 8MB RAM,
hard drive,
LaserWriter IINT)
**upgrade for current word processor users: $129
Microsoft Excel for Windows for the Mac $695 (requires 16MB RAM,
hard drive,
WinMac TrueType
Display Manager XL,
System 8.2)
**upgrade for current users of anything: $129
Microsoft Windows for the Macintosh (A/UX) $2095 (requires 32MB RAM,
A/UX 5.4.3, CD-ROM,
WinMac TrueType Display
Manager for A/UX,
X for Windows for the
Mac)
Hypercard for Windows for the Macintosh (*) $249 (requires Mac IIux
or Mac IIImx with
64MB RAM, 4GB disk
drive, WinMac TrueType
Display Manager for
the Mac or Adobe
Display Postscript +)
(* - also available: Toolbook for the Macintosh -- includes
conversion tool for converting Hypercard stacks into
Toolbook applications to run on your new enhanced Mac!
Also includes Toolbox Toolbook, Toolbook Toolbox, and
extra added Snap-On Tools for tear-off menus.)
Availability:
-------------
Pending favorable outcome of ongoing legal action between who-knows-who and
who-knows-why. Expected release date -- some year with a zero in it.
Void where prohibited by lawsuit. Your look and feel may vary.
(As a matter of fact, it had better!...)
------------------------------
Date: 29 Mar 91 14:38:00 GMT
From: dheyser@isis.cs.du.edu (Doak Heyser)
Subject: Humorous story on bushwacking from local magazine
Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
TRAIL AND ERROR
I was by myself, twenty feet up a cliff that looked like it was made of
Cap'n Crunch, when I first noticed the demented lilt to John Muirs writing.
With spoon-sized bits of cliff coming loose and rattling down into trees like
crazed cicadas, a particulary frothy Muir quote kept backing up in the
drainpipe of my mind:
"Climb the mountians and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow
into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their freshness
into you and the storms their energy, while care will drop away from you like
leaves in autumn."
Sounded like a yodeling Jim Jones, a seriously tweaked preacher bent on
inciting a cult of lemmings. And I was sitting in the front pew with the rest
of the hapless rodents.
I'd stepped of the trail earlier that afternoon looking for no-holds-barred
Nature. Trails are fine if you want to plod through the woods perusing a few
thousand copies of the same tree. But for a true wilderness experience, you
need to escape the bland routes selected for you by bureaucrats sitting in an
office somewhere fingering their topo maps. Off the beaten path, you can
bushwack your way to something resembling adventure.
Adventure, said one expert, is what happens when you screw up. On your own
in the underbrush, you'll find that the opportunity to screw up comes knocking
with both fists.
The first thing you notice when you step off the trail is that nature is not
a tidy place. You'll find things to trip over that have been lying around for
years.
It would have been nice is some of the worst hazards appeared on maps. Like
berry bushes. Genus 'Rubus Incisorus': literally, "hungry plant with many
teeth." Stumble into a ravine where a large berry bush is lying in wait and
you might as well be splashing about in the Rio Piranha. Such places ought to
be marked on maps with an appropriate symbol, like a tiny screaming face.
On the plus side, off-trail hiking greatly increases the opportunity for
wildlife encounters. Snakes, for instance, prefer the backcountry, where
they're less likely to be waffled by Vibram-shod passersby. Blending invisibly
into their natural surroundings, snakes can wait until a human gallumphs within
a few feet before slithering about in an overt manner, which inspires escape
maneuvers of the sort normally seen only in Daffy Duck cartoons. These
hilarious scenes are retold for weeks on end among the forest creatures, who
are chronically under-entertained, mostly because of poor TV reception.
Many people hesitate to strike off into the wilderness because of an
irrational fear of predators. But there's nothing to be afraid of as long as
you understand them. Let's take one example: the mountain lion. What do the
big cats really want? Well, like all cats, the want good furniture to claw up.
You'd never read about the family dogs being snatched ("Cougar Takes Bulldog,
Makes Fajitas") if dog owners would keep their pets from looking like
footstools and stereo speakers. What cat can resist a frisky hassock,
especially one stuffed with aromatic meat byproducts?
Another worrisome animal to bushwackers is the bear. Bears have a
reputation for bloody wilderness mayhem, gained mostly from those "real-life
drama" tales found in 'Reader's Digest', which usually goes like this: I was
strolling in the woods when a bear came up, locked its jaws on my skull and
shook me like a squirrel until I should have been dead.
Bears have quick tempers, but they have their reasons. They're troubled,
sensitive animals who spend their entire winters brooding on things. How do
you deal with a moody bear? You don't act like a boob, dropping your food-
laden pack and shinnying up a tree. Bears have no respect for appeasement
liberalism. They want to see some genuine interest in their lives, some sort
of commitment that goes beyond phony don't-hurt-me-I'm-your-friend
philanthropy. Try to find out what's bothering him. Listen sympathetically
but offer no gratuitous advice. At the sound of gratuitous advice bears
instinctively rip off the head of whoever's talking. And that's as it should
be. Otherwise, we'd be overrun with John Muir disciples telling everyone to
climb the mountains and get their good tidings and the rest of that crap.
Not all bushwackers are nature-lovers. Some are just people looking for a
short cut.
If you've ever looked at a topo map of the Rockies, you probably have
noticed that trails look like they were drawn in by some old guy with palsy.
No straight lines, only spastic squiggles. This is because in mountains the
only way to make a nice, straight trail would be to carve the route directly
up and over obstacles like peaks and ridges. Problem with that is the first
rain cloud will turn the trail into something out of Water World.
Experts say a trail should have a grade of twelve percent or less. So to
route a trail that climbs a thousand feet in elevation at, let's say, a ten
percent grade, you have to spread that thousand-foot climb over 10,000 feet of
trail. Which means the stiff who hikes it will have to go 9,000 feet out of
his way. In the uncluttered mind of the bushwacker, this computes as "a lot
of bullshit."
The Type A, impatient, goal-oriented bushwacker is not the ideal hiking
partner. He's the Gordon Liddy of the outdoors, with the finesse of a land-
slide and a brainpan gummy with burnt testosterone. And he's extremely proud
of it. Coming upon a steep river gorge, G. Gordon hurls himself down a scree
covered slope like a side of beef pitched from a moving truck. He bounces
awhile before crashing into the brush. His companions, suddenly overcome with
good sense, take the trail. They eventually come upon him reclining in an
unconvincing pose of relaxation, which looks a lot like spinal paralysis. He
greets them with a cheery "Hi, weenies" and chuckles at the minutes they've
wasted taking the long way. Quite possible, this is the same conversation
Alferd Packer [famous Colorado Cannibal - ED.] had with his companions before
dinner.
Bushwacking will short-circuit more than tinny friendships. In the
backcountry, delusions last about as long as a clean shirt. Blindly thrashing
through the brush in a panicky funk will flush the bilge from the mental
drainpipe. But will nature's peace flow into you while care drops away like
leaves in autumn? Only if you happen upon the right mushrooms.
Richard Fleming
Westword 03/27/91
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 91 18:20:19 EST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: News from the Great White North
To: spaf
The Canadian federal government finally decided to eliminate GST
(goods & services tax) on some "goods", among them human sperm and the
poppies bought from the veterans on Remembrance Day (even that was
taxable! :-(. I recently discovered that even parcels sent from abroad
are subject to the GST. In fact, I was informed that unless a parcel is
marked as having "no commercial value," its cost will be taxable. If no
cost is specified, the government assumes it costs $100. Therefore, the
recepient has to pay $7 on GST for a parcel he may not even have
requested!! (BTW *technical papers* are also considered "parcels", so
please specify they have "no commercial value" on the envelope before
sending them to Canada).
And the latest news about "art." The Canadian National Gallery in
Ottawa has stired controversy again when it put on display the work of
a canadian artist..it consists of a woman's dress made of raw meat
[yucks!], more specifically, flank steak (it cost $300, so either it
weighs more than 30 kgs or the butcher overcharged the artist!). The
dress is supposed to be replaced every week (so it's a dynamic piece of
art,.. I figure).
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Feb 1991 11:59:35 PST
From: wegeng@arisia.xerox.com
Subject: New Shipping Dock Procedures
COMPANY MEMORANDUM
From: Shipping and Receiving
To: All Employees
In light of the threat of terrorism, we have instituted new procedures to deal
with the possibility that bombs may received at the shipping dock along with
the normal flow of packages. All employees who work on the shipping dock have
been trained in these new procedures, and we believe that these procedures will
both increase safety and improve employee satisfaction and efficiency. We
intend to accomplish this by decreasing the time between when a package arrives
at the dock and when it is delivered to the appropriate recipient, therefore
removing it from our work area before it has a chance to explode.
Your cooperation will be appreciated.
Fred, Andy, and Roger
------------------------------
Date: 1 Apr 91 06:37:17 GMT
From: next-ug@gap.caltech.edu (Caltech and JPL Users of NeXT's)
Subject: NeXTStep 4.1.91 Released on April 1st :-)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.next
REDCITY WOODS, CA -- Job Stevens, director of OVeRTheEdge, NeXT's new
Vaporware division, just announced NeXTStep 4.1.91 for release on
April 1st, 1991. "Yeah, I know this should only be 2.2, but we were
so impressed with ourselves we decided to bump it up a couple notches"
Stevens reportedly said. NeXT founded it's OVeRTheEdge division to
serve people who need to use tomorrow's technology today, whether or
not it exists.
Since there weren't enough seats at the last new product announcement,
NeXT has rented the L.A. Coliseum and will demonstrate the products at
7:30 PM on Monday night, April 1st. Tickets were being given to
registered developers and sold through user groups and Campus
Consultants for $25, but scalpers are reportedly getting up to $100.
The following is a brief summary from an interview with Weekly
NeXTWorld News reporter Flora Spoil. The three areas in which
revolutionary breakthroughs were made are: Systems, Bundled Software,
and the Application Kit.
(what follows is a brief summary; the full text has been submitted to
pub/next/documents in cs.orst.edu and pub/next/docs in nova.cc.purdue.edu
as Release-4-1-91.wn.Z)
A. SYSTEMS
1. Hardware:
-RS/6000 CPU with autoswitching __TEXT segments
-multi-processing boards
-NeXTStation portable
-HalfDimension: low cost color w/o video
-answering machine/fax/modem in software built into phone
2. Operating System
- Real-Time Mach 3.0 as a base
- OSF/SVR4 Unix and Macintosh servers
3. Compiler:
-GCC 2.0
-supports FORTRAN
-Common Lisp run-time
-integrated graphical debugging environment
B. BUNDLED SOFTWARE
1. Object Modules: Software distributed as palettes, not programs
-Edit
-Illustrator (Editableview hierarchy, dumps to .ips editable PS)
-Mathematica
-Terminal
2. Moving Backward-Compatibility Forward
-Edit built on top of Emacs v. 19
-Mail.app built on top of MH (MailHandler)
-TeX in a WYSIWYG format
3. Mathematica 2.1
- EPS equations: edit and output
- GUI Equation Builder
- Graphing routines on hooks
C. APPLICATION KIT
1. Extensions:
-HyperLinks
-Services: automatic button/responder sending
-MusicView with MusicFont; trivial editing
2. New Kits:
-RenderKit: Display RenderMan
-VoiceKit: Recognition and Generation
-UserKit: Public objects maintained by NeXT
3. AppKit Management
-MachoMan: Manage Mach-O objects
-NibEditor: Examine and output Nib files
D. CORPORATE GOSSIP
After discussing the new release, Job Stevens talked some about
pending business deals that would shape NeXT's future:
- PenComm will become a VAR (value-added reseller) for X,
sneaking NeXTs into the offices of X-nophobes.
- NeXT will form a partnership with Sears. The Sears
Financial Network will provide loans and leasing agreements for people
who want NeXTs, and Sear Business Centers will feature the machine..
- Nintendo will announce that its next generation of games
will be developed on the NeXT using RenderMan. The NeXT versions of
the games will be posted to the net freely for beta-testing.
- NeXT-Japan and Sony will add a VCR and CD-reader to a
NeXTDimension to produce the ultimate media machine, combining a a
high-definition TV, radio, multi-channel VCR, CD-player, phone,
answering machine, and computer. If the concept works, they hope to
eventually mass-market an integrated system for under $5k.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 91 17:20:00 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
This is forwarded with permission of andie@umd.edu, and represents one
of the most amusing attempts at a breakin in recent memory. This
reminds me of the confidence scam where people call elderly marks and
ask them to cooperate in a bank investigation by withdrawing a large
sum of money.
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 91 17:05:55 -0500
From: ssw (Samuel S Wagstaff)
To: spaf
Subject: scam [ssw (Samuel S Wagstaff): scam]
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 91 15:20:25 EST
From: "Diane J. Donaldson" <andie@ada.umd.edu>
Message-Id: <9104012020.AA05979@ada.umd.edu>
Received: by ada.umd.edu; Mon, 1 Apr 91 15:20:25 EST
To: adw@ada.umd.edu, alley@ada.umd.edu, assani@ada.umd.edu,
banerjee@ada.umd.edu, byl@ada.umd.edu, cap@ada.umd.edu, ch@ada.umd.edu,
christen@ada.umd.edu, ckli@ada.umd.edu, ckm@ada.umd.edu,
cor@ada.umd.edu, cox@ada.umd.edu, dbm@ada.umd.edu, duran@ada.umd.edu,
dyc@ada.umd.edu, echter@ada.umd.edu, eugene@ada.umd.edu,
geller@ada.umd.edu, hillel@ada.umd.edu, hugger@ada.umd.edu,
imcs@ada.umd.edu, jav@ada.umd.edu, jmk@ada.umd.edu, jpbm@ada.umd.edu,
lhp@ada.umd.edu, maa@ada.umd.edu, marshall@ada.umd.edu,
mtk@ada.umd.edu, mvy@ada.umd.edu, niw@ada.umd.edu, parker@ada.umd.edu,
patrick@ada.umd.edu, perlis@ada.umd.edu, pete@ada.umd.edu,
rmm@ada.umd.edu, rr@ada.umd.edu, rsm@ada.umd.edu, rsw@ada.umd.edu,
sanjour@cvl.umd.edu, sethian@ada.umd.edu, stefano@ada.umd.edu,
steve@ada.umd.edu, sudip@ada.umd.edu, sunhong@ada.umd.edu,
wagstaff@ada.umd.edu, wangli@ada.umd.edu, zhu@ada.umd.edu,
zxd@ada.umd.edu
Subject: PLEASE READ THIS NOW
Status: R
There has been a recent attempt to break in to our system.
Sudip Bose received the following letter:
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From root@hilda.umd.edu Mon Mar 25 19:13:34 1991
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 91 19:12:58 EST
From: "Operator" <root@hilda.umd.edu>
Message-Id: <9103260012.AA02201@hilda.umd.edu>
Received: from pogo.gnu.ai.mit.edu by hilda.umd.edu; Mon, 25 Mar 91 19:12:58 ES
T
Apparently-To: sudip
Status: RO
This is the system administration:
Because of security faults, we request that you change your password
to "systest001". This change is MANDATORY and should be done IMMEDIATLY.
You can make this change by typing "passwd" at the shell prompt. Then,
follow the directions from there on.
Again, this change should be done IMMEDIATLY. We will inform you when
to change your password back to normal, which should not be longer than
ten minutes.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The system administration (root)
- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fortunately, he realized it was a fake and told me about it. If anyone
else received one of these messages, PLEASE LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY!!!!
In case you don't know already, I NEVER need to have anyone change their
password so that I can fix "security faults". I can change your password
myself if I have to. Again, if you have ever received or ever do receive
a message of this sort, let me know so I can try to track down the
person doing this. Thanks!
djd
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
From: gobbel@cogsci.edu (Randy Gobbel)
Newsgroups: soc.women,soc.couples,sci.med,alt.sex
In article <15033@scorn.sco.COM> timr@sco.COM (Bad Hurts Value) writes:
(quoting another message that's been circulating)
> It's almost worth looking the article up to find out what a
> steam-powered vibrator looks like!
I'm a member of the list to which the message about the Maines article was
originally posted, and I *did* look it up. Although the article does include
illustrations of the Granville "percuteur" (1883) and the 5-foot-tall
Chattanooga Vibrator (1904), the most intriguing device of all is mentioned
only in this reference: "In the 1860s, some spas and clinics introduced a
coal-fired steam powered device invented by a Dr. George Taylor, called the
"Manipulator," which massaged the lower pelvlis while the patient either
stood or lay on a table." The reference at the end of the article mentions
U.S. Patent No. 175,202, March 21, 1876, if anyone out there is *really*
ambitious....
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------