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Yucks Digest V1 #32
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #32
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 18:21:09 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Fri, 15 Mar 91 Volume 1 : Issue 32
Today's Topics:
a joke in every sentence
Another computer movie...
Business Made Weird
Chuck
Digital has it now...
Going out with a bang...
INB bill-paying service.
Makes sense to me....
quality control [told to me as true]
Scout chief told to recruit boys for Satan, court told
Spying Said Easier for a Woman
Things men just don't understand
three men and a car
Who's Chuck?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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From: David Chapman <zvona@dec-lite.stanford.edu>
Subject: a joke in every sentence
To: unix-haters@mc.lcs.mit.edu
In a fit of work avoidance, I just flipped open a copy of The Sun
Observer, and read the following from a ``helpful hints'' type column.
It is NOT A JOKE.
Using noclobber and read only files only protects you from a few
occasional mistakes. A potentially catastrophic error is typing
rm * .o
instead of
rm *.o
In the blink of an eye, all of your files would be gone. A simple
yet effective preventive measure is to create a file called -i in
the directory in which you want extra protection:
touch ./-i
In the above case, the * is expanded to match all of the filenames
in the directory. Because the file -i is alphabetically listed
before any file except those that start with the character: !#$
percent&`()*+,. The rm command sees the -i file as an argument.
When rm is executed with the -i argument, files will not be deleted
unless you verify the action.
This still isn't perfect. If you have a file that starts with a
comma in the directory, it will come before the file starting with a
dash and rm will not get the -i argument. SunOS's make utility
creates file starting with a comma if the make file understands
hidden dependencies by having the following line in the make file:
.KEEP-STATE:
The -i file also won't save you from errors like
rm [a-z]* .o
The bit about files that appear before -i is garbled in the original.
I blame nroff.
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Date: Fri, 8 Mar 91 18:38:42 PST
From: lauren@vortex.COM (Lauren Weinstein)
Subject: Another computer movie...
To: spaf@vortex.COM
Let's not forget "The Paper Man". Way ahead of its time, the plot
involves a group of college computer hackers (old-style definition)
who build up a fake identity through the campus computer's interties
to various banking and commercial computer networks.
They use this fake identity to make illicit credit purchases and
such. Then one by one, the computer starts killing them off. One
gets crushed in a computer-controlled elevator (she runs down the
long hall to the elevator, with the hall lights blinking out behind
her, after a model 33 teletype starts typing DIE DIE DIE continuously
and other similarly nasty events).
Another gets electrocuted by a computer-interfaced Red-Cross training
dummy. Yet another is killed by an incorrect injection down at
Student Health when his computer health records become inaccurate.
And the guy who was the real brains of the group and who was trying
to figure out what was going on is suddenly locked up as a psycho,
when the police get a (false) report (via the computer, of course)
that he's an escaped mental patient.
Turns out that the whole thing was being perpetrated by their
somewhat dimwitted (so they thought, anyway) lab assistant, who
happened to be an escaped criminal who thought that the fake identity
the group had built up would be very handy for him to take over and
use. So he had to "dispose" of the group (via the computer) so that
he could assume that identity.
The story ends when the brainy kid escapes from the psycho ward just
long enough to break back into the lab and type a few lines at the
console tty. They drag him away but he seems satisfied. Turns out
he sent a notice through the system that the fake identity had died
in a traffic accident. The crook gets called by the authorities who
are trying to understand why a dead guy is still apparently walking
around and he kills himself when confronted. The truth comes out,
the brainy kid is released, and one can only hope that they eventually
replaced the model 33 with an ADM-3.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 10:01:26 GMT
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: Business Made Weird
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>From an interview in Mondo 2000 magazine with John Perry Barlow
of the Electronic Frontier Foundation:
JPB: Individuals who work in institutions are no longer individuals.
I mean, there's a big difference between a solitary wasp and a
wasp's nest. It's like slime mold. Institutions are paramecium
style, one-celled organisms, mostly. When it decides that it
wants to cover some country because conditions are changing,
all the local slime molds get together and create an organism
that grows stalks with eyes on the ends, and grows cilia to
move with, and suddenly it's a critter.
RU: It's called "grexing."
JPB: Yeah! It's an animal then. It's no longer a one-celled organism.
And then it goes someplace and devos. It goes back down to its
original constituents. This is really the perfect metaphor for
what a corporation is. And to say that the individuals inside
that corporation are individuals when they're acting in their
corporate form is like saying that slime mold is still a whole
bunch of slime mold cells. We still have this sort of Newtonian,
causal, deterministic notion that organizations are machines.
The CEO is up in the wheel house and there's a direct connection
between the chairman's desk and the rudder. By the way, there's
also this lingering assumption that there's some disjuncture between
being a digital pioneer and being an acid head. It's my perception,
on the basis of having interviewed the first wave, that this is
actually quite a common phenomenon.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Mar 91 23:37:39 EST
From: karn@thumper.bellcore.com (Phil R. Karn)
Subject: Chuck
To: ofut@hubcap.clemson.edu
I can't believe you didn't know that "Chuck" is Chuck Jones, one
of the directors of Warner Brothers animated cartoons during their
golden years (approx 1940-1960). I believe Jones is the creator
of the Road Runner/Coyote characters.
He recently published a semi-autobiography called "Chuck Amuck"
(this is a play on the title of one of his most famous cartoons,
"Duck Amuck").
The book contains some profound philosphy. The following is currently
in my .plan file:
"Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the
first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
thought on every occasion."
-Chuck Jones (Warner Bros animation director)
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Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 13:13:01 PST
From: stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: Digital has it now...
To: snm@comm.Eng.Sun.COM, ronk@lobsta.Eng.Sun.COM, xulsm@swap.Eng.Sun.COM,
Forwarded message:
** New product announcements from Digital Equipment Corp. **
DECade
This is an initial, internal port of VMS to RISC. Availability pending.
DECaffeinate
The latest in Office Automation software products. This one TRULY does
EVERTHING, including making the coffee. Documentation includes an appendix
of nationwide secretarial "temps" recruitment/placement offices.
DECalogue/DECorate
DEC's sales presentation software. DECalogue expounds on the top
ten reasons why VAX/VMS systems are still the best in the market,
even with the factor of 10 cost differential over "open systems."
Duration is 10 hours, 10 minutes, broken down by (1) factual
content (10 minutes) and (2) wow and flutter (10 hours); infinite
iteration is available. DECorate is designed to assist sales
personnel in amassing and consolidating seminar/lecture/salespitch
audio and visual presentation materials.
DECease
Extended Application Software Environment. This suite of products
will facilitate VMS-to-ULTRIX application conversion projects.
Somewhat reluctantly release by DEC because of user demands, this
software is meant as only a temporary bridge between the two
environments, until VMS/RISC has been completed (a cooperative
effort between DEC and Phoenix Software Salvage Corp. in Phoenix,
AZ). Long live VMS!
DECeit
Educational Initiative Terminology software. This product is
designed to save higher ed. computer systems administrators hours
red tape by clarifying the deep secrets of TEI. However, since
this product is a third-party proprietary package, it is not
available on the CSLG. The EMB number is available by calling
1-800-DEC-DONT between 1:00 and 3:00 pm Siberian Standard Time
(SST) every third Tuesday, starting from Nov. 2, 1887.
Documentation sold separately.
DECline
Stock market tracking and analysis software. This product allows
high tech companies to observe market trends and suggests
strategies to follow that will provide a path for continued growth
in particular market niches. Emphasis is placed on high capital
gains based on customer retention through proprietorization
practices and policies.
DECoy
DEC's contribution to the Desert Storm Initiative. This
voice-activated software is an layered product for the Patriot
Defense Missile launching system's interface. When inbound SCUD
missiles are detected by the civilian population, the Patriot
launcher will react to appropriate verbal exclamations.
Available only in the Hebrew version at this time.
Other soon-to-be-released products:
DECadent, DECagram, DECant, DECember, DECimate, DECrepit
------------------------------
Date: 8 Mar 91 18:50:12 GMT
From: aardvark.bbs@shark.cs.fau.edu (Hugh Brown)
Subject: Going out with a bang...
Newsgroups: alt.evil
>From The Toronto Globe & Mail, Friday January 4th 1991...
SYDNEY--Three corpses with implanted heart pacemakers have exploded
in the past eight months when cremated, blowing shrapnel and
endangering Australian funeral workers, an official of a crematorium
said yesterday. A cardiologist said explosions occur when lithium-
iodine batteries in pacemakers, which are sealed in a titanium casing
containing gas, rupture at high temperatures.
What a way to liven up a dull funeral...of course, tnext step would
be implanting fireworks in the body cavity. Perhaps it could be set
to music. And Canada Day/Fourth of July celebrations would never
be the same...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 09 Mar 91 10:07:43 EST
From: sjm
Subject: INB bill-paying service.
To: important-people
So I'm driving in today, and the INB plug for "let us save you money
paying bills" came on the radio. They want to save you the cost of
checks, stamps, and envelopes.
"At INB we figure that you can pay up to thirty-nine cents or more on
each bill. If you pay 20 bills each month, that's over one hundred
dollars a year"
I'm in a particular hurry to give these math majors my accounting business.
Has anyone made use of this service?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Mar 91 13:15:30 -0500
From: "Gunter Ahrendt" <cmc@beach.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: Makes sense to me....
To: spaf
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one
of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and
take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are
signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down,
but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch w/
reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
------------------------------
Date: 9 Mar 91 00:30:03 GMT
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: quality control [told to me as true]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A long, long time ago [before 1970], IBM was about to introduce a
new disk drive that had higher storage density than any it had
built before. This disk drive came in multiples of eight,
stacked two high, four wide, and was immediately dubbed the
"pizza oven" by its users.
Anyway, the new drive was introduced with much fanfare. A few
weeks later, its first customer had their first head crash. Then
their second, and soon after that, their third. The chagrinned
IBM service people bundled up the entire drive and took it back
to their lab in Poughkeepsie, or Kingston, or wherever.
There they replaced all the heads, put in brand new packs, and
let it run. It ran for more than a month with no problems, so
they carted it back to the customer site. They left the heads
alone, put the customer's packs back in, and let it run.
A few weeks later, the heads started crashing again. They repeated
the whole process, but again the heads would not crash in the lab.
Finally, someone got the bright idea of examining the crashed
heads under a microscope. They found them clogged with some
hard resinous substance, which they subjected to chemical
analysis.
The substance turned out to be the glue from the quality control stickers.
These stickers were affixed during final inspection to each disk pack
sent to customers, but not to the test packs they used in the lab.
After a few weeks, the glue dried out and started flaking off;
some of the flakes eventually found their way into the heads and
caused the crashes.
[Sounds more like the flakes found their way into quality control! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 13:42:52 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Scout chief told to recruit boys for Satan, court told
To: spaf
PERTH, Australia, March 11 (AFP) - A self-confessed Satanist and
former scout leader claimed to have been told by a Satanic coven to
recruit young boys for devil worship, a court was told here Monday.
The claim was made as Scott Gozenton, 20, pleaded guilty in Perth
District Court to charges of sexually abusing young boys.
He was remanded for sentencing on six charges of indecently
assaulting boys under the age of 16, another 10 of indecent dealings
with males under 21 and six of having "evil designs" on boys under 16.
Defence lawyer Mark Trowell told the court that 13 Satanic covens
operating here hold bizarre sex orgies attended by parents and their
children.
In a statement of mitigation, Mr. Trowell said Mr. Gozenton had
been sexually abused for three years as a child by the caretaker at
his school.
A school friend introduced him to Satanism at the age of 14 and he
subsequently became involved in "bizarre" sexual practices which
included orgies involving men, women and their children.
Mr. Trowell said Mr. Gozenton was also instructed by his coven to
recruit more young boys to devil worship.
Satanists had been shadowing his client and attending his court
appearances, he said.
Judge Antoinette Kennedy, who will sentence Mr. Gozenton next
month, said his crimes were serious and he should be jailed.
The West Australian police child abuse unit arrested Mr. Gozenton
last year after raiding his home in the Perth suburb of Duncraig and
seizing computer printouts listing boys' names and sexual records.
The state's Scout Association said it was reviewing its
recruitment methods after the arrest.
Police interviewed as many as 300 scouts and other boys during the
investigations.
[Hmmm, is there a merit badge in small animal sacrifices? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 13:43:27 PST
From: a correspondant
Subject: Spying Said Easier for a Woman
To: spaf
LOS ANGELES (AP)
Countess Aline Romanones, who has chronicled her espionage
exploits in several books, says being a spy is easier for a woman.
"I think it's easier for a woman to get information out of a man
than vice versa," she said. "We're more ... maybe not reliable in
keeping a secret, but when we want to keep something secret, we're
very devious about it,"
She said her marriage to Count Luis Figueroa y Perez de Guzman El
Bueno of Spain has also given her social contacts that made her a
better spy.
Romanones, 67, was born in New Jersey and went to work for the
Office of Strategic Services the forerunner of the CIA during World
War II.
She has written several books about her exploits. The most recent
is "The Spy Wore Silk."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 10 Mar 91 13:59:35 EST
From: someone
Subject: Things men just don't understand
To: spaf
Gene,
I transcribe parts of an article that appeared
in The Gazette. I think it might interest some of
your readers, particularly those with hair (even more
if they have *long* hair ;-)
*********************************
"Things men just don't understand"
by James Quig,
"Entre Nous" section,
The Gazette, Montreal, March 10,1991.
***********************************
There is so much we don't know. "Split ends", one of my male friends was
saying just this week. "Do you know about split ends?"
I'd heard of them. "It's a hair disease, isn't it?"
We wondered what caused it.
I couldn't say."Diet, maybe? Acid rain?"
"Do they all split or just a few?" he wanted to know.
Again, I had no idea. "I don't see I've ever seen a split end."
"Me neither."
"Maybe you have to move in real close," I suggested.
He shook his head.
"I've been close lots of times. Never saw a thing."
"Maybe it has to be a really bad case. Split wide open."
"Maybe."
We ordered more ale.
"Can men get it?" he wondered.
I couldn't say why not, hair is hair.
He wasn't so sure about that. "None of the guys I know talk about split
ends".
"Guys can be pretty shy about their bodies," I said.
"True."
...
"There is still a lot we don't understand," I volunteered.
"True".
"Somebody should gather it all up in a book someday," he said.
"As a public service?"
"Exactly. Men helping men.A lot of guys aren't finding it easy
this days."
"Telling me."
I mentioned the water pipes.
"She ever asked for a glass of water in the middle of the night?"
"Sure. 'While you are up hon...'"
"Kitchen or bathroom tap?"
"Ha! She won't touch bathroom water. Says it doesn't taste the
same."
"Kitchen pipes are closer to the ground. That's why it tastes
better. Scary, eh?"
....
"Body," he said. "When they say, 'My hair has no body'. You
understand that? Yesterday it had body, today it's limp.
What happened overnight? I have trouble with body."
"We all do. Hair is tricky for all of us."
I shook my head again. "We aren't going to make any headway
with hair."
....
We were back in the tavern and I had news.
"You'll never guess what: I saw my first split end last night."
"Was it awful?"
"I don't know why they fret so much: I could hardly see it with the
human eye."
....
"Old age. She said women have older hair- because they let it grow
longer."
"The longer it gets, the older it gets. And then it dies and splits".
"That means men have newer hair," he deduced.
"Looks that way. But only if they keep it nice and short. Newer and
fresher,too. I guess. Good news, eh?"
"Telling me."
[Gee, another problem I'm slowly (quickly?) avoiding -- split ends!
Soon, I'll only have to deal with one. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 9 Mar 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: mckeown@cerl.uiuc.edu (John Mckeown)
Subject: three men and a car
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving
down a mountain when the brakes gave out. they screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt,
more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot
drop to jagged rocks. they all got out of the car.
the computer engineer said, "i think i can fix it."
the systems analyst said, "no, i think we should take it into
town and have a specialist look at it."
the programmer said, "ok, but first i think we should get back
in and see if it does it again."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 10:39:06 -0600
From: mbraun@urbana.mcd.mot.com (Matthew Braun)
Subject: Who's Chuck?
To: spaf
>From Yucks, v#31 (?):
> I don't know who this chuck guy is, this is in somebody's .plan file.
> [Chuck?? --spaf]
> RULE 1: The Road Runner cannot harm the Coyote except by going "Beep-Beep!"
I saw the original posting, I think in rec.arts.comics. The poster (or
someone) deleted the references to Chuck. Chuck is Chuck Jones, producer of
many of the Warner Bros. Looney Tunes cartoons, and author of the book, "Chuck
Amuck" (a parody of the title of the surrealistic Daffy Duck cartoon, "Duck
Amuck".) I haven't read C.A. yet, but "That's All Folks" had a similar
set of rules. T.A.F. is very interesting reading.
(That's right, I couldn't leave any stone unturned. Lately, I've not been
leaving any terns unstoned, either, but the people down at the beach have
started complaining.)
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End of Yucks Digest
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