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Yucks Digest V1 #30
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #30
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Fri, 8 Mar 91 18:02:29 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Fri, 8 Mar 91 Volume 1 : Issue 30
Today's Topics:
A jester's tale...
All We Are Saying
A pun
A Slight Problem with a Rescue
Bad Moveez mark II
deceased cows in YOUR programs (2 msgs)
It's in their jeans
Random Filter
Stormin' Norman
There's no business like show business
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 3 Mar 91 17:36:24 GMT
From: hadjiyi@rt6.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis)
Subject: A jester's tale...
Newsgroups: rec.humor
(The following report, from a ship's master, was printed in the August
1987 edition of The Log journal --- its exact history is unclear but I
think you might find it amusing.)
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you - regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
preconceived opinions from reports in the world press; for I am sure that
they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
changing the `G' flag for the `H'. It being his first trip, he was having
difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up so I proceeded to show him how.
Coming to the last part, I told him to ``let go''. The lad, although willing,
was not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.
At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the third officer on the
fo'cstle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was
promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the `pipe'
while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for
the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out
`by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of
the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be
of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 deg and asked if there was a film tonight.
My reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's
towing spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.
It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the
foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable but,
owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.
The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and
my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of
the vehicles on my foredeck which the third officer collected after his
somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable
us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no.1
hold.
I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there was no need
to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.
Yours truly
Master
------------------------------
Date: 3 Mar 91 08:20:10 GMT
From: morgan@jessica.stanford.edu
Subject: All We Are Saying
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Slogans from the Persian Gulf War Protest
Market Street, San Francisco
January 26, 1991
Collected by RL "Bob" Morgan
---
Send Bush, Send Quayle, Send Neil Bush When He Gets Out of Jail
Boys Say Yes to Boys Who Say No
What If Kuwait's Main Export Were Broccoli?
Another Neurotic Lesbian from a Dysfunctional Family for Peace
Do People Really Die for Oil? People Do
Enough BU__SH__
The Future of Your Children is in Our Body Bags
I'll Try to Hold Back My Euphoria
Visualize Whirled Peas
18 Males to the Gallon is Too Expensive
Barbara, Stop Him!
Denial is Not a River in Egypt, It Flows Through the Heart of America
Vegetarians Against Carnage
Surf Kuwait
Send Imelda Marcos to Iraq
I Don't
War Gives Me Gas
To Bush & Saddam: Cock-Fighting is Illegal
We're Tired, We're Cranky, We Don't Like the Government
How Many Body Bags Per Gallon?
Another Fascist Terrorist for Peace
Lobotomies for Republicans: It's the Law!
Stop Fighting and Clean Up your Mess!
No Mo Woe
Another Aggie Against Aggression
Another Chinese Bisexual Deadhead Sadomasochist Porn Star for Peace
Saddam and George Need Couples Counseling
Desert Shield is Not a Feminine Product
Read My Labia: No More War
Making the World Safe for Big Chevys
If You Can't Trust the (Ex) Head of the Secret Police, Who Can You Trust?
Bush Gives My Pubic Hair a Bad Name
You're Having Sex Right Now and You Don't Even Know It; You're Being
Screwed by George Bush and He Won't Even Call You in the Morning
War is Menstruation Envy
If War is the Answer, Then It's a Stupid Fucking Question
A Child in Baghdad Died for My Car
Willie Horton Would Never Have Done This
Following George into a War is Like Following Neil into a Bank
And my favorites:
Kick Butt, Then What?
At Least We Can Drive to the Funeral
------------------------------
Date: 3 Mar 91 01:09:33 GMT
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: A pun
Newsgroups: rec.humor
There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessin(sp?) and
one day had decided to make a stop in to the deli for some liver. Well
he went in and ordered the liver. And while the clerk was weighing out
the liver the boss(who was known to be real cheap-skate) whispered to
the clerk, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver."
------------------------------
Date: 3 Mar 91 11:30:04 GMT
From: hall%vice.ico.tek.com@relay.cs.net (Hal Lillywhite)
Subject: A Slight Problem with a Rescue
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(This alledgedly really happened in Canada. I heard it from a
friend. After posting it in rec.backcountry I got some requests to
post it here.)
Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in
killing himself. The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a
Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line
flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place
where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the
aircraft or otherwise take further care of him. The patient is
accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.
This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight.
Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious
(as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he
took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the cable
attaching him to it. The attendant, who happens to have a nice
bushy beard, notices that the patient is starting to "come around"
and in an effort to keep him calm says in his most soothing voice:
Don't worry, I'll take care of you. My name is Peter.
The effect was somewhat less soothing than hoped for and the
attendant decided that next time he would use a name other than
Peter.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 27 Feb 91 00:10:53 CST
From: (null)
Subject: Bad Moveez mark II
********************************************************************
*** CuD #3.07: File 5 of 6: Computers in the Movies ***
********************************************************************
* CUD Goes To The Movies *
Jim Thomas challenged some friends and I to come up with the worst "hacker"
films that we'd seen. What follows is only a partial list, and you've
probably got your own favorites, if that's the right word. They're in no
particular order. I know that I'm leaving a gold-mine of bad plot ideas
untouched by ignoring commercial television. There's been one awful Booker
episode that weighed in at the Cargo Cult level of sophistication, for
example. You probably can think of more.
-- Bob
----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight Bad Bits: The Computer Underground Film Hall of Shame
----------------------------------------------------------------
[ 1 ] War Games. The first of the big "Swatch hacker"
movies. It spawned a wave of original thinkers with "joshua"
as their user id or password. Were NORAD computers ever
this insecure? For about ten seconds back in the Dark Ages,
maybe.
[ 2 ] Malibu Express. High tech and low morals,
courtesy of ex-ABC Sports producer Andy Sidaris. I could
say that this is a tightly plotted adventure which treats
today's computer embezzlement headlines as a starting point.
If you'd stop staring at the bimbos for a minute, you might
agree with me. The opening credits roll over some serious
Nail Slicks risking death on an Atari keyboard. This sets
the tone for the whole film.
[ 3 ] Prime Risk. Komputer Kids with job and bank
problems spoof their least favorite bank's ATM network, only
to find someone doing it on a bigger scale, for money
instead of curiosity and revenge. The understanding and
empathetic Federal agent rescues them and thanks them for
their vigilance. Uh huh. Note how Toni Hudson's character
is scripted as a Renaissance nerd, as far above Gilda
Radner's Lisa Lubner character as amoebas are above Dan
Quayle.
[ 4 ] Colossus: The Forbin Project. Jim Thomas voted
for this one, in appreciation of a malevolent defense
computer with no off switch. It's the system manager's
fairy tale: it never crashes, never needs new parts, never
has transmission problems. How long it takes us to reach
this cybernetic state of grace is left to the viewer's
imagination.
[ 5 ] The Manhattan Project. There's a reason, you
know, why electrical supply houses aren't found in high-
dollar shopping malls. I'm sorry, but hipper-than-thou
nerds are the stuff of Hollywood's Summer Slump cure. Not a
computer in the picture except as props, but there's a bit
of hacker curiosity and humor in the script.
[ 6 ] Electric Dreams. Computer oversell proves
truthful when digiphobe Lenny Van Dohlen competes with his
"Pineapple" computer for his neighbor's affections.
[ 7 ] The Running Man. Hahahahahahahahah. Arnold in
Spandex yellow leotards. Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa
running the Revolutionary Left. One hundred years from now,
"Richard Bachman" will spin in his grave like a turbine
whenever this is shown. The "Weiss" character plays video
skittles for a minute to crack the Secret Network Code. Rick
Moranis says it best in Spaceballs: "That's the combination
an idiot would have on his luggage!"
[ 8 ] Tron. A bitter triumph of Big Special Effects
Bucks over story, guaranteed to make anyone who's ever heard
of Mike Jittlov cry in anguish. Picture the scriptwriter's
meeting: "You're not leaving this room until you've used
every buzzword in this book!" Must material to show off
that new videodisc player or 50" monitor, however. (No
"bit player" jokes here, I gots too much class fer that.)
------------------------
Dishonorable Mention
------------------------
[ 0 ] Evilspeak. The Devil's in my disk drive! Military
prep Clint Howard gets hazed by classmates, then seeks
Satanic assistance from behind his keyboard. Carrie without
tampons for the high-tech set. The Bad Sci-Fi numerologists
hint that this (666) must be the sequel to The Andromeda
Strain (601), digitwise. Jeez, experts.
[ 0 ] The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes. Always consider
the Classics. A kinda porky Kurt Russell gets a jolt and
leaves Jockville behind for Braintown. Old Walt might have
known as much about computers as he did about animal
behavior, but he did cut an acceptable teen yarn.
[ 0 ] Forbidden World. Show this and you'll disappoint
computerists and sci-fi fans alike. Some gene-spliced oil
slick expresses a difference of opinion about who's the Food Of
The Future around here, anyway. Later, it grows teeth and
is found to have bio-hacked the base computer. Type type, munch
munch. Stay tuned for (or beware of) the scientist who cuts
a softball-sized tumor out of his own stomach (sans anesthesia)
and slam dunks it down the monster's throat.
[ 0 ] Thrillkill. Bad bad bad. Even cable stations
won't show this when decent folk are awake.
[ 0 ] Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I know, it's a comedy,
so I'll go easy. "I asked for a car; I got a computer."
Maybe I'm way off base in doubting whether a conniving rich
kid would ever get beyond a stock ticker, technology-wise.
That thirty-second scene, and the synth in the bedroom,
branded it forever thus: "Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick)
plays high-tech hooky in the big city." Cliff's Notes are too
complex for some people, apparently.
[ 0 ] Chopping Mall. Sorry, but I had to slip one more
slash flick in here. It's nice to see Paul and Mary Bland again
(after Eating Raoul.) Also, there's something about security robots
running amuck that might strike a familiar chord in readers of
this august publication.
-----------------------------------------
From The Land of The Forgotten Titles
-----------------------------------------
[ ? ] A bunch of fantasy gamers find some plugged-in
Ayatollah using a time-sharing network to aim his terrorists
here in the U.S. of A. They sneak in and aim them at
useless targets. Dialogue by Craftsman and U.S. Plywood.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 91 14:15:04 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: deceased cows in YOUR programs
To: spaf
Uh, well, no.
0xdeadbeef is either 3735928559 or -559038737.
--keith
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Mar 91 19:26:38 EST
From: karn@thumper.bellcore.com (Phil R. Karn)
Subject: deceased cows in YOUR programs
To: yduj@lucid.com, spaf
Yes, I remember that phrase "DEADBEEF" from my instructor during my
early (and long gone) days of learning to program IBM mainframes.
The full 64-bit version of the constant is "FEED FACE DEAD BEEF". It
was handy for initializing areas of memory so you could tell if they'd
been touched by your program.
Phil
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 Mar 91 14:06:40 PST
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: It's in their jeans
To: spaf
Smithsonian Stalks Headbangers
WASHINGTON (AP)
Smithsonian curators are stalking some exotic species of American
wildlife the shaggy, black-breasted "Headbanger," the plain-tufted
"Nerd," the lavishly plumed "Preppy" for future scholars to puzzle
over.
These remarkable birds are America's teen-agers, whose strange and
sometimes bizarre clothing styles are being documented by fellow high
school students at the request of researchers at the National Museum
of American History.
Claudia Kidwell, the museum's curator of costumes, believes this
first nationwide survey of adolescent fashion tastes will yield
important clues about the teen-age subculture of the 1990s.
What scholars of the 21st century will think, heaven only knows.
Don't bother asking today's parents, who may have forgotten how their
Age of Aquarius peace beads and miniskirts shocked an older
generation.
Now, they're similarly baffled when 15-year-old sons suddenly rip
holes in the knees of their designer jeans, shave their heads, wear
earrings and clomp around in enormous athletic shoes with laces left
inexplicably untied.
These sartorial mysteries intrigue Ms. Kidwell, who is convinced
that people's clothing historically tells much about their daily
lives, their cultural values, gender roles, hopes and fears.
"Driven to the wall, the one thing that's really important for
teen-agers is that they have control over their appearance and
express their individuality," she said. "For a teen-ager to decide
what they are going to wear the next morning is a very complex issue."
They may be rebelling against the rules of parents and school
authorities, or dressing to conform with their closest friends.
"Either way, the same thing is going on," said Ms. Kidwell, who
has two daughters. In the crucial task of developing their own
identity, she said, "clothing is the one thing kids can control more
easily than other parts of their lives."
To find out what teen-agers around the country are wearing and
why Ms. Kidwell and museum associate Michelle Smith produced a
school activity kit with a grant from Brother International Corp.,
and offered it to 16,000 high school teachers for free. About 6,000
teachers responded.
Early returns from teen-age bird watchers reported sightings of
"Preps," "Hoods," "Farmers," "Normal," "Jocks" and "Nerds" in high
school classrooms in Ohio.
From Kentucky came detailed observations on "Headbangers" and
"Casuals." In South Carolina, there are "Hype" and "Ruffian" clothing
styles.
An Ohio correspondent said the Normal look requires "faded or
acid-washed, French rolled jeans" and T-shirts or sweatshirts, with
"hair scrunchies" among the accessories. It's cheap and comfortable,
she wrote, and "makes it easy to blend and fit in with crowds."
Preps favor expensive, brand-name clothing. "Preppy people are
always perfect, with even matching fingernail polish," she wrote. "A
preppy guy does not have facial hair."
"Hoods" in Ohio apparently resemble Kentucky's "Headbangers" and
South Carolina's "Ruffians." They like long hair, dangling earrings
and lots of leather. Their black T-shirts feature artwork from heavy
metal rock bands.
------------------------------
Date: 3 Mar 91 00:30:04 GMT
From: Ken_Blackman.INTEGRATION@gateway.qm.apple.com (Ken Blackman)
Subject: Random Filter
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Could someone please help me out. I'm not a math wiz, but I think I've
stumbled onto something important, and it looks like it could have some
profound implications for a number of fields.
I call it a Random Filter. The opposite of a random number generator,
this algorithm takes a stream of numbers and removes the random ones, thus
leaving a collection of purely non-random numbers. Here's the simple
version; where the function rand() represents your favorite random number
generator:
loop
n <- input # get next n
r <- rand() # also get a random number
n = r ? # is n itself a random number ?
yes: trash <- n # then toss it
no: output <- n # otherwise keep it
end loop
In other words, the randomness of each n is determined by comparing it to
a number known to be random; all random n's are filtered out. It's just
like that technique of finding prime numbers by eliminating all the
composites. For example, this could be handy for scientific researchers:
now they can weed out any random fluctuations in their statistical data.
Astronomers can get sharper pictures. Physicists can finally get past
that whole Heisenberg thing.
Obviously this technique hinges on having a good reliable source of
randomness to use for comparison. Using a computer-based rand() in the
loop above will only produce PSEUDO-non-random output.
Before you tell me what you think of all this (cough cough), let me assure
you that I have already used it, with fabulously successful results.
Before sending this note, I took the ASCII text and merged it with a file
of geiger readings from some radioactive isotope. Then, using the same
geiger recording as my rand() function (since it was, after all, still
random), I pumped the altered text through a Random Filter and, voila, out
came the original! Pretty amazing, huh?
I can only speculate as to what would happen if I'd had some mechanical
dice roller feeding its results to the computer in real time. With that
degree of randomness at its disposal, the Filter may have corrected my
spelling, cleaned up my grammar, or removed some other imperfections I'm
not aware of. No telling how powerful this technique could be.
Think of what this could mean for areas like data integrity, quantum
physics, radio reception, compiler design, weather forecasting, economics,
structural design, how about racetrack handicapping... the applications
seem virtually limitless.
Well, waddya think? One thing's for sure -- I'm planning a trip to Las
Vegas. Soon as can I figure out how to use the slot machines to beat the
roulette wheel.
++++++
Late-breaking news: The Random Filter has continued to demonstrate its
value. I applied it to a list of the last six months' winning lottery
numbers. I tried every method and variation I could think of, and the
results were absolute gobbledy-gook: the Random Filter concept simply
could not be meaningfully applied to this set of data. In other words, I
proved conclusively that the lottery is *FIXED* (ie, not random).
Pretty amazing, huh?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 91 07:22:12 EST
From: "Joel B. Levin" <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: Stormin' Norman
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>
>BTW, how _do_ you pronounce "Colin" over there?
>
Proper pronunciation of American names is always problematical for
inhabitants of the British Isles, so I'm always glad to help.
"Colin" is pronounced "CHUM-ley".
And "Quayle" is generally pronounced "brOOm".
You're welcome.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 Mar 91 14:07:27 PST
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: There's no business like show business
To: spaf
Muscial Tackles Intifada
SEATTLE (AP)
Bombs and bullets, verbal barbs and oratory bombastics,
negotiations and intrigue, all have failed to end the struggle
between Palestinian Arabs and Jewish Israelis.
Can farce succeed? Maybe, judging by "Seeing Double" a commedia
dell' arte-style musical based on the Palestinian uprising known as
the Intifada.
"Saddam Hussein is a Robin Hood to the Palestinians," shouts one
member of an Arab American family as the play opens in a San
Francisco home.
"Like the Virgin Mary to the Catholics," agrees another.
All are scandalized when the thoroughly Americanized son, a
drummer in a heavy metal band called "Ten Inches," says he has eaten
at McDonald's.
"McDonald's? You ate Jewish food?" the father says.
The Obie Award-winning play, originated by the San Francisco Mime
Troupe in July 1989, was revised with Gulf War developments almost up
to the last minute for a University of Washington production that
opened Tuesday night.
"We put a line in about the liberation of Kuwait late last week,"
said Hanna Eady, the director, a graduate student in the university's
professional theater program.
Nonetheless, the focus remains the Intifada especially for Eady,
34, a native of the Palestinian village of Pequi'in near Haifa in
Israel who moved to the United States in 1982 and is married to a
Jewish American woman.
"To me, this is the core of all conflicts in the region," Eady
said.
The original script was the collective product of nine writers and
performers, including Palestinians and Jews. So was the university
production.
"They can't be characters of an kibbutz in Israel and not talkk
about Scud missiles," he said. "They can't be Arab villagers and not
talk about Saddam Hussein."
The plot, reminiscent of Shakespeare's "The Comedy of Errors" with
enough revolving-door action to test the Marx Brothers' mettle,
centers on lookalike Arab-American and Jewish-American young men with
lookalike briefcases who go to Israel on the same plane to claim the
same piece of land.
Salim Razali, reluctantly meeting family obligations, carries an
ancient deed in Arabic dating from the Ottoman Empire.
David Goldberg, opposed by his secularized family, brings a
computerized numerological analysis of the Book of Micah that he
claims is proof that the biblical prophet was born at the site
claimed by Razali's family.
A series of errors sends David, carrying Salim's briefcase, to
Salim's relatives on the West Bank who need the deed to verify their
claim.
Salim, carrying David's briefcase, is taken to a kibbutz and
becomes the subject of a tug-of-war between David's cousin, a liberal
Israeli, and zealous Orthodox Jewish settlers who resemble Amish
farmers with Uzis.
The play closes with a call for a Palestinian homeland on the West
Bank and Gaza Strip as the Israeli and Palestine Liberation
Organization flags hang side by side.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------