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Yucks Digest V1 #29
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #29
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Sun, 3 Mar 91 00:48:39 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Sun, 3 Mar 91 Volume 1 : Issue 29
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
A Hell of a Band
bald sex
Buy your greeting cards now!
deceased cows in YOUR programs
Hidden Brain Damage Scale
Paraphrase of a joke I just heard....
Quote for Karl, Article for Yucks.
Saddam-a-fax
Saddam: conquered by air again.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: March 2, 1991
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: Yucklings
Thanks to everyone who continues to supply me with bizarre items for
this digest. It is what you make it, and you continue to make it strange.
Please keep sending me the things you find humorous, odd, ironic, or
otherwise out of the ordinary!
Starting with this digest, I will include (now and then) a few items
from my humor archives. This will include some material that went out
to my very original mailing list -- long before there was a digest of this
stuff. Thus, some of you may have seen a few of these items before, but the
majority of list recipients will not have.
If I slip up and repost something I've already sent, consider that a symptom
of encroaching senility. It happens even to us extraterrestrials. :-)
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Date: 2 Mar 91 00:30:07 GMT
From: barb%velvet.com@sj.ate.slb.com (Barbara Petersen)
Subject: A Hell of a Band
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller, on the Alex
Bennett radio show (KITS, San Francisco, CA):
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
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Date: Fri, 1 Mar 91 19:19:47 EST
From: rocsoft!rdb@cs.rochester.edu (Robert D. Baden)
Subject: bald sex
To: spaf
Bumper sticker of the day:
Bald heads are solar panels for sex machines.
[I'll need one of these someday soon. I guess I'll also need more sunlight.
My dad has had one of these on his car for many years now.... --spaf]
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Date: Mon, 19 Mar 90 10:13:08 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Buy your greeting cards now!
To: yucks
Yes, get out there and buy those Hallmark cards & holiday rubber
goods. According to today's [1990] Purdue Exponent, March 18-25 is
National Orgasm Week.
Roger Libby, a sociologist and social psychologist certified by the
American College of Sexology, has declared next week the 4th annual
observance of the event.
My first questions are: what does it take to get tenure in the American
College of Sexology? Where is their campus? Can I get an NSF grant
for a summer ...er....position there?
My other questions are even worse and probably better left unasked....
[I posted this last year. The same week in March is fast approaching.
I guess I better hope the sun comes out, eh? --spaf]
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Date: 2 Mar 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: yduj@lucid.com (Judy Anderson)
Subject: deceased cows in YOUR programs
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The default uninitialized value for registers on the IBM RS/6000 under
AIX is hex -21524111. Printed out as a 32-bit unsigned quantity, this
is:
DEADBEEF
Never knew IBM programmers were allowed to have a sense of humor!
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Date: 4 Feb 90 11:30:07 GMT
From: jon@bodedo.ucm.org (Jon Boede)
Subject: Hidden Brain Damage Scale
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I worked with Dr. Toni Wegner, wife of the Dr. Daniel Wegner mentioned below.
I've had this file for several years:
Hidden Brain Damage Scale
Of the many psychometric devices designed to measure the dimensions of human
variation, the Hidden Brain Damage Scale stands alone as the only instrument
capable of predicting a preference for pimento loaf. For this reason, and
despite the sizable revenues that might accrue from the copyright, we offer the
scale here for public consumption. It was authored in a flurry of graduate
school insight some years ago by Robin Vallacher (Illinois Institute of Tech-
nology), Christopher Gilbert (private practice, New Jersey) and Daniel Wegner
(Trinity University, San Antonio, Texas). Although a true-false format is
recommended, we have found that many test-takers opt for the response of
getting tangled up in the drapery.
The Hidden Brain Damage Scale
1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
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Date: Sun, 25 Feb 90 13:59:43 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Paraphrase of a joke I just heard....
The paper had an advertisement requesting "A Notre Dame graduate or
equivalent." Our agency called and asked if they would be more
interested in 2 Indiana U grads, or a Purdue grad working half time.
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Date: Sat, 2 Mar 91 20:37:42 CST
From: peter@taronga.hackercorp.com (Peter da Silva)
Subject: Quote for Karl, Article for Yucks.
To: karl@taronga.hackercorp.com (Karl Lehenbauer)
Recently in an email discussion, the following was brought to my attention:
PERFORM UNNATURAL-ACTS WITH SHEEP, VARYING PARTNERS BY SEX UNTIL SATISFIED.
is a valid COBOL statement. I guess it *is* english-like after all.
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Date: Sat, 2 Mar 91 01:38:58 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Saddam-a-fax
To: spaf
Saddam Faxes Pitch Plug Pulled
WASHINGTON (AP)
For a $10 telephone call, Bill Novak said you could send your
personal fax message to Saddam Hussein. And part of the proceeds
would go to help Greenpeace International clean up the oil spill in
the Persian Gulf.
Then Novak, a Cleveland man who says he is trying to organize a
parade in honor of U.S. troops in the Gulf War, had his 900 telephone
service cut off. Greenpeace, an environmental group, said it wouldn't
take the money. Two better business bureaus and MCI, the telephone
company, said they were looking into Novak's claims.
"Instead of just flying the flag, fax him (Saddam) a message he
won't forget," Novak said in a fax that he said he sent to 320,000
owners and users of the facsimile machines.
The fax gave a 900 number to call for details.
Those who called heard a tape saying their messages would be
placed in flag-draped coffins and "become part of a processional
process delivered directly to Saddam Hussein, if possible."
If that was not possible, the messages would be delivered to the
Iraqi ambassador to the United Nations, the recording said.
Pam Small, a spokeswoman for MCI in Washington, said the recorded
message was being reviewed to see whether it complied with company
guidelines designed to safeguard consumers against fraud and abuses.
One of Novak's fax transmissions went to the marketing department
of Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas, where administrative
assistant Joyce Marsh said she found it upsetting.
"Here in West Texas, we have a lot of folks who would jump at the
chance to do this fax," she said. "To me, it was just like playing on
the emotions of people."
Ms. Marsh called the Lubbock Better Business Bureau, where Nan
Campbell, the bureau's vice president, "thought it was something that
was extremely questionable" and passed it on to the Council of Better
Business Bureaus in Washington.
Mark Corcoran, a trade specialist with the Cleveland Better
Business Bureau, said he was called by Ms. Carson on Tuesday and
checked the report out with Greenpeace and others.
Novak said in a telephone interview that he started sending out
the flyers by fax on Monday. He said he operates a facsimile repair
business and a personal computer programming and consulting business
in Cleveland.
"It's my own idea," he said. "What I'm pointing to with this
really is a parade in support of the troops in New York."
He said no date had been set for the parade.
He said Greenpeace's share of the proceeds would be around 10
percent of the net.
Peter Dykstra, a spokesman for Greenpeace, said the organization
would not accept any money raised by the venture.
"We did not and would not have anything to do with this," Dykstra
said.
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Date: 1 Mar 91 20:39:09 GMT
From: norm (Norman J. Meluch)
Subject: Saddam: conquered by air again.
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines?
A: Northwest has more kills.
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End of Yucks Digest
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