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Yucks Digest V1 #25
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To: yucks
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Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #25
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From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
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Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 17:52:44 EST
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Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Thu, 21 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 25
Today's Topics:
Ah, gullible youth!
Another Advertising Gem
Another great bio
Eskimo Pun
funny sco unix story
High-tech scam
how do you finance a party?
IF YOUR POOCH IS GAY, HE'LL TURN IT INTO A RED-BLOODED HE-MUTT
International Weird Young Thing...
What Flavor of UNIX?
Yucks Digest V1 #23
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 00:06:25 PST
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: Ah, gullible youth!
To: spaf
Disrobing For Fake `New Kids'
HOUSTON (AP)
Police searched Wednesday for a man who persuaded several teen-age
girls to pose nude for photographs by telling them they will be used
in a music video for New Kids on the Block.
Police were inundated with calls about the man, who apparently
tells the girls that he represents the pop teen idols.
He convinces girls to pose for nude photographs by telling them
they will be used in an upcoming music video and that their costumes
for the video will be added later by a computer.
The first case occurred Feb. 11 in Harris County and involved
three girls, Sgt. Ralph Gonzalez said. Two other cases have been
reported, but Gonzalez said authorities had not yet interviewed the
girls.
Sgt. David Rieks said police also received a call from a
shopkeeper in west Houston who said he talked recently with a group
of five young girls, all dressed in similar outfits, who said they
were going to be in a New Kids video.
"We've talked with the group's promoters. They absolutely are not
working in this area and there is no video in the works," Rieks said.
Several people told police they spotted the man after a police
sketch was circulated, but no arrests were made by Wednesday.
[I wonder what they would have done for a heavy metal group video? --spaf]
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 1991 19:45:23 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Another Advertising Gem
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
Some times the fine print is funny:
Yesterday, I was reading an ad for Dodge trucks in Popular Mechanics, as I
was reading the *fine print* it stated that "These outlandish claims are
based on test results of" (technical information left out because I dont
remember them) and then it finished with.......
"Buckle up for safety, Nice magnifying glass."
It took me by surprise so I instantly started laughing, I was in a library
at the time so it was a little embarrassing, I hate when that happens!
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Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 15:17:14 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Another great bio
Every once in a while, I run across a great biography paragraph in a
publication or conference announcement. The latest one is of Cliff
Stoll in a registration pamphlet for an ACM function in Ohio:
Dr. Stoll graduated from Buffalo Public School 61 with a blue star for
good attendance. Later, he became an astronomer and now squeezes
lumps of bituminous coal into diamonds.
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 1991 19:45:23 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Eskimo Pun
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com
During the construction of the Alaska Pipeline, one of Bechtel's engineers,
a man named Sam, overslept one morning. The pipeline crew failed to notice
that Sam was not among them (Sam being the sort that was frequently not
among them) and moved north. When Sam woke up, he was all alone. There
was nothing to worry about, since it was a pleasant day in late May. The
-100 degree temperatures of January and February were just a memory, but
the uncomfortably hot and sticky days of mid-summer just north of Fairbanks
had not yet arrived. Sam set out to find his crew.
As Sam walked North, he ran across a tribe of Eskimos, who were out gathering
moss. Sam stopped to chat with them, and the Eskimos invited him to join
the tribe. Sam considered this, and decided that being an Eskimo had much
to recommend it, as he imagined that the Eskimo life was much less stressful
than that of an engineer on the Pipeline. For a few days, Sam busily
assisted the tribe in gathering moss. Each of the Eskimos had a personal
supply of moss, and after a few days, Sam had gathered more than he could
easily carry in his back pack. He asked the other Eskimos why the moss was
being gathered, but was unable to understand the answer, given his limited
command of Eskimese. As was characteristic, he finally decided that he had
more moss than he could use, and proceeded to spend the summer sleeping.
While the rest of the tribe was busy gathering moss, Sam was resting.
Come the first snow, the tribe moved south to the shores of an inlet, where
seals could be caught and killed for meat and oil. Sam was given a small
lamp, and was shown how to make a wick out of moss. When filled with oil,
the lamp would supply heat and light for the long, dark winter nights. Sam's
lamp was fine for a while, but in early December, his meager supply of moss
was exhausted. It was evident that without a working lamp, he would freeze
to death, so it was urgent to get more moss. When he approached the Eskimo
chief with the problem, and requested an additional supply of moss in order
to get through the winter, he was told by the chief, "Sorry, Sam,"
"No wick for the rested."
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Date: Fri, 08 Feb 91 16:06:19 -0500
From: Steve Elias <eli@pws.bull.com>
Subject: funny sco unix story
[...] at sco last week, they told me that their customer service line had
received a call from a US Army dude who was calling from inside his M1 tank in
the Saudi desert. apparently, SCO Unix runs on one of the computers in the
tank. the customer service person pointed him to the SCO BBS system and he
dialed it and downloaded the bug fix.
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 10:28:59 PST
From: qcktrn!ross%harpo@uunet.UU.NET (Gary Ross)
Subject: High-tech scam
To: spaf
>From the San Jose Mercury News, 2/16/91:
A high-tech scam
Police in Jakarta, Indonesia, say they are issuing fraud
charges against the magic pencil man, whose name they have
not made public.
He sold his product to students saying, "Just write whatever
you want and the computer will correct your answers with the help
of the electronic wire on the pencil." Such is the state of edu-
cation in today's world that numerous students believed him and
bought the pencil. Upon flunking exams, they complained to police.
Police didn't say how much the con man netted with this scam ...
but he was getting up to $445 per pencil.
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 12:29:23 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: how do you finance a party?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
i just spoke to my brother martin in Kansas City, and mentioned that we
are having a party this weekend and that he should come out. he allowed
as how he is too busy to do that, but he did offer some advice.
what you do is go to the bank and get about forty bucks in quarters. then
you walk around the party, saying to people, "hey, can you give me a dollar
for four quarters?" people say yes, and you take the dollar and give them
the quarters. you can usually do this several times to the same person
while they're drinking beer. after a while, you invite the person to sit
down on your low couch. of course, since they've been drinking beer, they
won't sit there for very long. when they head for the head, you dig your
quarters out of the couch and start circling the party again.
martin claims he paid for his share of the keg this way.
mike
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 09:04:42 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: IF YOUR POOCH IS GAY, HE'LL TURN IT INTO A RED-BLOODED HE-MUTT
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Copied from the Weekly World News 2/19/91 (p31) without permission.
IF YOUR POOCH IS GAY, HE'LL TURN IT INTO A RED-BLOODED HE-MUTT - FOR $4,500!
by Joe Berger
Lyon, France: Hundreds of harried dog lovers are so scared their precious
pooches are pansies that they're shipping the mutts off to the highfalutin Lyon
Clinic - where dingbat docs promise to turn homosexual hounds into
hairy-chested he-mutts!
"We have a very exclusive, upper-class clientele who find it extremely
embarassing to have a homosexual dog slinking around the house," said snooty
psychologist Dr. Clement Demazure, director of the doggie rehab hospital in .
"Many of these people have big Dobermans and Rottweilers guarding their
estates, and they aren't happy when these ferocious-looking animals start
sashaying around like San Francisco drag queens."
"Fortunately, we've found a way to make these gay dogs go straight." Dr
Demazure refuses to say how he turns powder-puff pups into red-blooded Robers
but says they suffer no pain and live like kings while they're in his care.
In the six months since the clinic opened, nearly 300 fat cat dog fanciers
have brought their limp-wristed Labradors, sissy spaniels, and mincing mastiffs
in for the cure - at a whopping $4,500 a pop.
Incredibly, most of these moneybags matrons and big-bucks businessmen come
away convinced the treatment is worth every penny.
"I bought my husband a beautiful sheepdog for his birthday in 1989, and he
really loved that animal," diplomat's wife Francine Bonjean told reporters in
Lyon, France.
"Pierre had such an impeccable pedigree that we planned to breed him and
give his pups to all our friends as Christmas presnets."
"But that dog turned out to be such a wimp, and when we brought female dogs
around for him to romance, he just turned up his nose and stalked off. He was
always cuddling up with the other boy dogs - but that little pansy wanted
nothing to do with the girls."
So frantic Francine rushed her swishy sheepdog off to the lavish Lyon
Clinic, where he ate steak every day, slept in a feather bed - and supposedly,
learned how to love the ladies.
"Now our Pierre is no longer a sissy," said a relieved Francine.
"To my husband and me, that's a miracle."
Also included:
<photo of a wimpy dog with a bow on its head> "BEFORE treatment: This pansy
pooch was totally useless as a watchdog."
<photo of the same dog, looking really mean> "AFTER treatment: Nobody goes
near the now-macho mutt when it's on the job!"
<AND a photo of Dr. Demazure himself>.
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Date: Thu, 21 Feb 91 09:38:18 PDT
From: kds@blabla.intel.com (Ken Shoemaker)
Subject: International Weird Young Thing...
To: rsk@hazel.circ.upenn.edu, spaf
February 3, 1991
THE HANDCUFFS WERE REAL, HOWEVER
Michael Smith, 29, was arrested in Rochester, N.Y., in December for a failed
robbery. Using a realistic toy gun, he demanded money from a couple getting
out of their car. The woman then pulled her own realistic toy gun, causing
Smith to drop his and start begging her not to shoot him. The couple's
screams caused Smith to run but also brought out a neighbor, who threw a
baseball bat at Smith, knocking him down.
COPS AND ROBBERS
Roy Koutsky, 25, surrendered quietly to police in Los Angeles in November
after a four-hour standoff in which he fired more than 70 shotgun blasts.
Said Sgt. Pat Findley, "He just said he was shooting through his house and
he couldn't see any reason why he couldn't do it."
Adrian Popovici, a University of Montreal law professor and co-author with
his wife of the popular newspaper column, "Love and the Law," was arrested
in October after reportedly threatening to kill her.
Danny Simpson, 24, was convicted of a March bank robbery, which brought him
$6000, in Prince Albert, Canada. Police later informed him that the gun he
had used was a collector's item worth as much as $100,000.
A man made off with $1570 at a Provident National Bank in Philadelphia in
September. He originally had walked into the nearby Mellon Bank and
presented a holdup note to a teller, who froze, causing the robber to flee.
In his first try at the Provident Bank, before he presented his note, he was
informed by a teller that he was in the wrong line and should move to the
other. After taking his place and working his way up to a teller, he
presented his note, got the money and fled.
George Juan Kuehme, 20, a cook at a Jack in the Box restaurant in Phoenix,
was arrested in December for "adding a harmful substance to food" after he
admitted blowing his nose into a hamburger ordered by a police officer at
the drive-through window.
Elijah Lawrence was sentenced to one year in prison in Raleigh, N.C., in
December. A mounted police officer had tried to arrest Lawrence, but
Lawrence kicked the horse in the thigh twice, whereupon he was charged with
assaulting a police officer.
A 14-year-old boy was referred to juvenile authorities in Salt Lake City in
December after distributing photocopies of his genitals and other body parts
to residents of his apartment complex. (He was identified because he also
made photocopies of his face, featuring his distinctively chipped tooth.)
Arnold Heller, 64, was arrested in a strip joint near Camp Pendelton in
September. He was fishing through his pants pockets for money to give a
stripper performing in front of him when a World War II-era hand grenade (a
dud) he keeps to scare off panhandlers fell to the floor and sent dancers
running for the exits.
WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME
Four teen-agers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in
Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an
automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three
officers on a stakeout.
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part
of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already
voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised
his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members
indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
The bodies of more than 800 dead, radioactive beagles - used in 27 years of
governmental experiments - were shipped in October for burial at the Hanford
(Wash.) Nuclear Reservation. Also arriving were more than 17 tons of the
beagles' radioactive excrement.
Dave Lee Smith got a year in jail in St. Louis in September (instead of the
customary sentence - probation - for first-time marijuana offenders) because
he arrived for his hearing at 10:20am, mistakenly believing he was
scheduled for 10:30am instead of 10am.
February 10, 1991
GETTING TO THE HEART OF A LAWSUIT
High School guidance counselor Angelo Cardella filed a $15,000 lawsuit in
Ansonia, Conn., in October for a 1988 incident in which he suffered back and
neck injuries at the hands of Joseph Melita. According to the lawsuit,
Melita was experiencing a heart attack at the time and negligently clutched
onto Cardella, injuring Cardella when he pulled him to the floor.
EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS
After a 6-year-old boy in Lille, France, had his request for Coca-Cola
turned down by his mother in November, he went into his parents' bedroom
closet, loaded the family hunting rifle, and shot her in the abdomen, police
said.
In a West Palm Beach, Fla., courtroom in November, Judge Walter Colbath told
accused rapist Byron Bryant, 23, that he would not reduce his bail, thus
making it likely that Bryant would have to stay in jail pending trial.
Incredulous, Bryant threw a nearby book (the paperback "Presumed Innocent")
at Colbath, who then cited him for contempt of court (worth five more months
in jail). Then, Bryant let out a stream of obscenities at Colbath, and the
exchanges continued until Bryant was led from the courtroom with four more
contempt citations.
Runo Cairenius, 51, retaliating against his wife in an October domestic
dispute, rigged a cable to a hook embedded in concrete in his back yard and
ripped the entire roof off his Brampton, Ontario, house.
In October, Toronto police arrested a man who was reportedly obsessed with a
woman who was preparing to marry another man. The spurned man drove a
front-end loader to her house, scooped up several parked cars, and tossed
them against the walls and roof, causing $100,000 damage before neighbors
chased him away. Police overtook the man as he tried to make his getaway in
the front-end loader.
Hastings, Minn., police arrested George Andrew Myers, 28, for assaulting a
19-year-old female customer at his gas station in June. Police said he was
miffed when she refused to allow him to check the oil in her car, and when
she came inside to pay for her gasoline, he slugged her in the face and
threatened to kill her.
Willie L. Morgan, 49, was charged with shooting his son, Kenneth, 30, in a
duel at Willie's home in North Memphis in June. The two had argued heatedly
over funeral arrangements for Willie Morgan's wife.
UNUSUAL EXPLANATIONS
In the November dispute between Cable News Network and the FBI as to where
the FBI had gotten CNN's tapes of Manuel Noriega's jailhouse telephone
calls, the FBI denied it had misappropriated them without a warrant from an
Omni Hotel room, claiming the tapes had turned up in the hotel's
lost-and-found office.
A Houston City Council committee, writing regulations for strip joints and
other adult businesses, hired researcher Gayle Beck to tell them, in detailed
testimony, why women's breasts are different from men's breasts. Council
member Dale Gorczynski, paraphrasing Beck, told reporters, "Exposing male
breasts is not arousing to women in our country, but exposed female breasts
are arousing to men." The city council wanted to prohibit bare female
breasts but not bare male breasts and felt a need to protect its law from
any charge of gender discrimination.
Police in Lebanon, Tenn., referred Richard Lee, 29, for psychiatric
observation in August after he, his wife and three kids were found nude in a
local park. According to police, the family car broke down, and Lee told
his family they would be less conspicuous if they were nude.
When a Republican candidate for Texas Agriculture Commissioner tried to hurt
his opponent in August by claiming that the Democrat had visited "Jane
Fonda's home," columnist Molly Ivins asked for an explanation. GOP
spokesman Rick Perry said the Democrat had visited "Los Angeles several"
times, pointing out that he thought Los Angeles is where Jane Fonda lives.
Kevin Ford and Donald McNair were charged with various offenses in June in
Buffalo, N.Y., after Ford's brother, Montgomery, drove Kevin's car up a
telephone pole guide wire, causing the car to flip over. Kevin explained he
had been drinking and turned the keys over to Montgomery, who is blind, but
who "always wanted to drive."
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Date: 21 Feb 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: mcinerny+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael J. McInerny)
Subject: What Flavor of UNIX?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Vanilla -- Unix version 7
Plain ol' ice cream.
Chocolate -- AT&T System V
Too rich for some.
Strawberry -- BSD 4.2
Very pink.
Neapolitan -- AIX
What happens when you put all three in the same box.
Rocky Road -- A/UX
Sorta chocolate with lumps.
Ice Milk -- Xenix
Not even as good as vanilla.
Frozen Yogurt -- Mach
It looks and tastes the same as ice cream, but someone will claim it's
better for you, even though there's no real evidence to support that
claim.
Italian Ice -- David Cheriton's V kernel
Hard, minimalist dessert.
Tofutti -- MINIX
An ice cream-like substitute.
Mousse -- OS/2
Sorta looks like ice cream, until you taste it: then you realize it's
not the same thing at all.
Jell-O brand pudding -- Windows 3.0
Cheap mousse.
Custard -- Macintosh
Fancy pudding.
Creme Brulee -- Macintosh System 7.0
Custard with a solid base.
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Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 5:48:14 CST
From: peter@taronga.hackercorp.com (Peter da Silva)
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #23
To: Yucks-request
The "Fluke" ad really existed, but it was tremendously successful. You see,
Fluke's customers are all engineers.
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End of Yucks Digest
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