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Yucks Digest V1 #24

Yucks Digest                Tue, 19 Feb 91       Volume 1 : Issue  24 

Today's Topics:
		     A jester's tale...54 (long)
		     from rec.humour.funny (long)
                         Humorous Airline Ad
                    IRAQ SURRENDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Local college offers Star Trek anthropology course
                  Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
                      Video games in the desert

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 16 Feb 91 23:43:01 GMT
From: hadjiyi@rt6.cs.wisc.edu (Simos Hadjiyiannis)
Subject: A jester's tale...54
Newsgroups: rec.humor

                   THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD'S FARM
 
                               A Personnel Saga
                          by A. Mouse, Non-E (1 ea.)
                          (as told to L. D. Manning)
 
Once upon a time a <large university> Personnel Officer retired and, with the
University's moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his Family (Wife,
household duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress Education preferred) to
the country to taste rural life.  Old MacDonald (for that was his name)
promptly bought livestock, labelled them appropriately according to their Job
Descriptions, and recorded them all in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job
Description, Estimated Annual Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole
dollar amount), and preferred Job Qualifications.
 
In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled, (Celery,
green, average stalk length 12", annual), and settled down to enjoy his
retirement.
 
One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the County Agent
(Agent, Agricultural products, governmental).  Old MacDonald gladly showed the
young man around the Farm, displaying his handiwork.  "This is my Annual
Celery," he proudly announced, as they approached the garden.
 
"Annual Celery?"  the young man muttered.
 
"Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted,
preferred."
 
"But that's a Guernsey milk cow!" The young man obviously seemed distressed
about something, but Old MacDonald couldn't understand what it could be.
 
"And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred."
 
The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, "A Brahma bull!
I wonder how he got the sign around his neck."
 
The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the Rooster
was penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old MacDonald explained
that he had had to resort to these measures because the Rooster had been
putting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house, and crowing at dawn.  He
simply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours (lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm
only).
 
The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the young
man's attitude.  His records were immaculate.  Every animal exactly fit its Job
Description, and each one was correctly Titled and Labelled with a neat sign
hung around its neck.
 
Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records were in
order, he should do the same to the personnel in his household.  He, of course,
was Personnel Officer.  His wife, however, had been doing many different chores
which were not in her Job Description.  This, of course, would NOT DO.  He
promptly notified her that she would henceforth be Procurement Officer and
would be in charge of buying and selling all items on the farm.  Since his Wife
was not thrilled at the added duties in her already busy schedule, Old
MacDonald promised that she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs.
 
That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk cow. He
had talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old MacDonald had one.  His
wife had just had twin girls and they needed the milk badly.  Old MacDonald
assured him that he had no Milk Cow.  He had a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a
Calf, but no Milk Cow.  This young man turned a peculiar color also.  (What
were young men coming to these days?)  "But that IS a milk cow!"  The young man
pointed to the Bovine Animal.
 
"Oh, no.  That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is immaterial.
She was hired as a Bovine Animal.  She has had no Experience at being a Milk
Cow."
 
"Well, I'll buy her anyway.  I need the milk.  How much do you want for her?"
 
"Oh, I couldn't let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk Cow.  As
I have said, she has had not Experience in the field.  She could, of course, be
Reclassified, but that will take some time."
 
"What do I have to do to have her reclassified?"  The young man was not taking
this at all well.  He looked ill.
 
"Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the Personnel
Officer (that's me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1) why the current
Job Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job Holder, (2) why the
needs of the Employer have changed with respect to the said Job Title, (3) why
this Job Holder was not hired at the new Job Title in the original request when
s/he was originally hired, and (4) what qualifications and/or Experience
qualify this candidate for the new Job Title. Then I will, of course, review
your case, and objectively come to a decision.  I am, of course, an Equal
Opportunity Employer, and belong to EIEIO -- the Equality In Employment for
Interstate Opportunities Commission."
 
"How long will that take?"
 
"Oh, about three weeks.  Of course, I am rather busy right now -- harvest time
coming up and all (all those new plants to Title and Label!) -- so it could
take longer than that."
 
The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from Farmer
Jones next door.
 
That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement Officer
and his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his Farmyard Staff and
his Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled.  He was somewhat surprised
to note upon his return, however, that the house was a mess and there was no
dinner waiting for him when he arrived.
 
"Wife," he complained.  "Why are you not performing your Wifely duties?  I am
hungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess. What is wrong
with you?  Are you ill?"
 
"I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these questions, but I
am the Procurement Officer, not a Wife," replied his (former) Wife.  "My Job
Description does not include household duties."
 
"Hmmm.  That is true."  Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem. "Well, I
will simply give you back your old Title as well."
 
"Oh, no."  The Procurement Officer was adamant.  "Only one Job Title per
employee."
 
Yes, of course.  How could he have forgotten after so many years?
 
"Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing and
Vouchering myself."
 
"Oh, no.  I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a Wife.
That would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter).  Besides, I am not allowed to
change Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I have once changed Job
Titles.  No.  I am Procurement Officer, and that is that."
 
Old MacDonald couldn't argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old
MacDonald's hamburger and went to bed.
 
The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see the
Personnel List.  Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all of his
records were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a "Bovine Animal," a "Calf," a
"Cow," and a "Moo-Moo."  He then politely inquired as to which of the Job
Titles on the Personnel List had represented Positions which had actually been
filled, and asked to see the Job Descriptions of those Jobs.  When Old
MacDonald happily obliged, he asked to interview two of the individuals
involved, and, after a short while in the pasture, he requested that Old
MacDonald sell him the Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of
just such a Job Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased
to oblige and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm next
door that very afternoon.
 
Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily.  (The Bovine Animal was
especially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks, being, of
course, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.)
 
During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald
noticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk.  Moreover, most of
them had Calves.  Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided to employ a Milk
Cow on his own Farm.  He asked Farmer Jones how much Annual Salary (Full-time,
Base Rate) a Milk Cow should earn.
 
"Oh, my animals have no Job Titles," replied Farmer Jones.  "They are
commodities.  I could sell you one if you like.  In fact, I could sell you this
one that I just bought from you -- at a small profit, of course."
 
Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and requested that
she buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones.  The Procurement Officer gave him forms
to fill out.  He obliged, but she still seemed to see difficulties in the
transaction.
 
"You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source from which
the equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter explaining (1) why
this vendor is the only source for this needed item, and (2) why the
specifications of the said item are necessary for your farm work."
 
"But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole source
Purchase Order, and you did not say anything then."
 
"That was a Chemical, food additive.  You already had a letter on file for this
type of purchase."
 
"Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn't we make an exception for just one
penny?"
 
"No exceptions."
 
Old MacDonald didn't see how he could justify the specifications of a cow to be
bought as "sole source" under these rules, so he asked how else he might be
able to purchase the item.
 
"You must get three bids," the Procurement Officer said.
 
So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow. Mr.
Smith's cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer informed Old
MacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product.  It was a Farm Law.
 
"But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk," said Old MacDonald.
 
"You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names," returned the
Procurement Officer.  "You must get three bids, based on Qualifications of
Equivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function."
 
So Old MacDonald got three more bids.  This time he specified "Cow, medium
size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it."
This seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since neither of the other two
farms he called had that exact type of item, and each one put in a "No Bid."
 
Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and declared,
"We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones.  'Cows, medium size, having one
udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it' are on Farm
Contract with Farmer Smith.  You will have to buy one of his."
 
"But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old!  And two of them limp!"  Old
MacDonald was beginning to shout.
 
"Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or handicapped
condition.  (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for Investment
Opportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for Interstate
Opportunities Commission -- the EIEIO, EIEIO -- you know, and cannot
discriminate well.)  If you want to buy a different type of animal, you should
have used the correct specification in your Order when you took bids."
 
Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications very
carefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful.
 
Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once been a
Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as soon as possible.
He offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm that very
afternoon.  When he got there, he realized that he had not put into the
Purchase Order a request for a halter, and since he could not lead the animal
back home without one, he asked Farmer Jones what to do.  Farmer Jones
obligingly offered to sell him the halter that had come with the animal for
half of the original retail price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away
at that time and not bother Farmer Jones any more.  Old MacDonald agreed and
took the animal back to his Farm.
 
When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she refused
to repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm Accounts, and
since he had not justified buying used equipment in advance.  Old MacDonald
told her that this was a Service of Milk Cow transportation, replacement part
from the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow, and she finally agreed to reimburse him
from her butter-and-egg money.
 
It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he wasn't cut
out for Farm Life.  Too many Rules and Regulations, he decided.  So he moved
his Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City (Urban area, heavily populated)
and became the Director of the Bureau for Bureaucratically Underprivileged
Rurally-Educated Areas' Urbanization (the Bureau of BUREAUs), and they lived
bureaucratically every after.
 
                          UNFORTUNATELY PROBABLY NOT
                                   THE END
 

------------------------------

Date: 16 Feb 91 21:10:00 GMT
From: art@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (PK)
Subject: from rec.humour.funny
Newsgroups: purdue.talk

  [A satire of "What Happens During the First Second of an Auto Crash"
   posted on misc.consumers]
 
The following was apparently put out by the Georgia USENET Society
and is copied from the LA Buy-Rite Bargain Finder without permission.

	LITTLE KNOWN FACTS THAT DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION

Do you know what happens in the first ten seconds after reading a stupid
posting on USENET?

In the first second, you scan the article.  You have little suspicion
of what is about to happen to you.

In the second second, you stop dead in your tracks.  Incredulously, you 
go back and re-read the especially stupid sentence.  
"Perhaps," you charitably think, "I read it incorrectly."  You didn't.

In the third second, you skip to the bottom of the article and check
for ":-)"s.  You don't find any.  You mutter to yourself "Jeez... This
dweeb is serious."

In the fourth second, you look at the author's name.  Perhaps the posting
is from the .edu domain, and therefore should be chalked up to a
practical joke posted from an unattended terminal, or just the outpourings
of an immature undergraduate mind.  Nope!  The poster is from .com!

The fifth second finds you undergoing many body changes.  The hair on the
back of your neck stands on end, and your fingers start twitching.  Your
face flushes red in reaction to your building rage, indignation, or 
just shock.  You kick off your tightly laced shoes.

In the sixth second, the middle finger of your right hand drifts over the
"k" key on the keyboard.  Your finger continues to tremble, but it does not 
press the key.

In the seventh second, the muscle tone vanishes from the middle finger of
your right hand.  Simultaneously, the index finger of the left hand
drifts over the "r" key and almost presses it down.

In the eighth second, the index finger of the left hand, having done a
decoy over the "r" key, slips down the keyboard and firmly presses
the "f" key.  The right pinky, unnoticed in all the action, has already
pressed the shift key down.

In the ninth second, your favorite editor presents a lovely display
suitable for commentary by your witty prose.

In the tenth second, your fingers rip loose, vaults of flame fly open,
and volatile reactions break free, destined to strike the orignial
author from all directions.

The hostile comments bombarding the original author don't bother him,
because he is a dweeb.

NOW WILL YOU FLAME CREATIVELY?

------------------------------

Date: 16 Feb 91 00:30:07 GMT
From: vfg2@phx.mcd.mot.com (Dan Quella)
Subject: Humorous Airline Ad
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

The following appears in a Southwest Airlines newspaper ad in the
12/28/90 Arizona Republic. It is repeated three times in fine print in
a box labeled "Other Airlines' Restrictions." The box has a big messy
X through it, so it is a good thing that they repeated it three times
or I never could have transcribed it in its entirety...

"*Seat availability is limited and seats may not be available on all
flights.  Travel for qualifying trips must occur between 2/12/91 and
2/13/91. Fares are one-way requiring a round-trip purchase 21 days in
advance or 28 days in advance during leap years. Minimum stay of 4
days is required, except for Tuesday departures which require a 7 day
minimum stay. Fares are non-refundable and may not be available when
you call. Passenger must be a Sagittarius, unless the moon is in
Jupiter. Fares may be higher for travel on peak days, summer solstice,
and employee birthdays. **Travel must commence by 5/3/91 for frequent
flyer members and between enrollment date and 5/6/91 for new members.
A Saturday night stay is required, but if originating on a Saturday,
only a Wednesday morning stay is required. Tickets may be used only
when accompanied by a lawyer. Phoenix-to-Los Angeles route may include
unannounced stops in Atlanta or Madrid. Fares do not include
"nonpertainable aviation compensation fees," which may be extra.
***Sale tickets prohibit the use of restrooms during flights. Fares
are subject to random adjustments on five minutes notice. Seat
availability is limited and some passengers may be required to stand.
Travel is valid in the Continental U.S. only and the Central Time Zone
only on alternate Sundays. Reservations are required. No jeans,
T-shirts, sandals, shorts, striped or polka-dotted clothing may be
worn by passengers holding sale tickets. +This offer not valid in
conjunction with any discount coupon, voucher, certificate or
promotional offer by any airline, video rental outlet or supermarket.
Tickets may be given to family members except second cousins and
relatives who never call or write but visit every year at Christmas
time. Identification and/or character witnesses may be required.
++Terms and conditions are subject to change without notice. Stopovers
not allowed. Not valid for travel during months ending in "R." This
offer void were prohibited by law, where people just don't like it, or
wherever you happen to live. For a complete list of new and amended
regulations associated with this offer, keep watching this space in
your daily newspaper."

------------------------------

Date: 17 Feb 91 05:31:24 GMT
From: gunter@borage.cc.uwa.oz.au
Subject: IRAQ SURRENDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor

Finnaly the world will again see peace in the Gulf due to the brillant peace 
plan of Saddam's...

According to the latest version of his very reasonable offer:

1.) Utah, Nevada & Texas will become Iraqi territories, (home away from home).
2.) Iraq will hold the monopoly to all the world's sand supplies.
3.) Kuwait, Egypt & Saudi Arabia will become Greater Iraq (they always were 
    part of the real Iraq).
4.) All Allied forces shall abandon their equipment and pass it on to the 
    nearest Iraqi troops.
5.) Baghdad Radio will take over Voice of America, to ensure a worldwide
    audience will receive THE TRUTH!

Under these conditions Iraq will surrender to the Allies :)

Bargain!

------------------------------

Date: 15 Feb 91 18:11:57 GMT
From: (null)
Subject: Local college offers Star Trek anthropology course
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.info

An article in the Thursday,February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA) 
by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course examining 
episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance.  The 
instructor, Prof. Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed 
bored and listless during a review session for physical anthropology 
perked up when she referred to an old Star Trek episode to make a point. 

The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as 
a mirror of contemporary American culture and American attitudes about 
other cultures.  There is no dramatic criticism, film criticism, or 
literary criticism involved, the focus is to teach the class to look at 
the episodes with an anthropologist's eye.  The 22 episodes chosen for 
this class all demonstrate how American popular culture has led to a 
mixture of fact and fiction.  One example used is "The Paradise Syndrome", 
in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an Earth-like planet that has 
produced a civilization similar to that of Native Americans before the 
intrusion of the white man.  

The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture 
portrays all Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in 
a mish-mash of dwellings, dress, rites, and symbols in the  Star Trek 
episode.

The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students 
looking for an easy A but a real anthropology course that uses material 
that many of today's college students are already familiar with to examine 
anthropological theory.

------------------------------

Date: 18 Feb 91 11:30:03 GMT
From: shipley@remarque.berkeley.edu
Subject: Pros and Cons of dating a vampire
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Author: Peter Shipley

            Pros and Cons of dating a vampire

	    Pro                             Con

Long relationships			Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Allowed to stay out late		Parents can be hell
Easy weight loss			You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Centuries of experience			Oral sex can be lethal
Immune to all venereal diseases		Always has cold feet (and blood)
Always has amazing stamina		Never able to spend the day in bed
Loves neck nibbling			Pet names that give you chills
Rarely interested in arguing religion	Strange friends
Never comes home with garlic breath	Giggles at funerals
Don't have to worry about what color	Hard to win a argument
	    clothes to wear.		No romantic sunsets
				        May forget own strength during orgasm

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Feb 91 13:01:41 PST
From: One of our correspondants
Subject: Video games in the desert
To: spaf

Subject: Chips and Blood

     High-Tech Wizardry Gets Used
   EDITOR'S NOTE  The following dispatch was subjected to censorship
by military authorities.
   IN NORTHERN SAUDI ARABIA (AP)
   A generation of video whizzes is getting the chance to test the
military's high-tech wizardry in war.
   These gadgets are not arcade amusements with make-believe targets.
They are the most lethal weapons on the conventional battlefield,
guided by microchips to pinpoint their accuracy.
   Soldiers call one version "Atari artillery." These howitzers home
in on thier targets using invisible laser beams directed by
commanders at computer screens.
   Tanks and missile launchers find their targets with thermal
sights. These magic scopes can defeat the night and detect a man at
7,000 yards away from the red splotches emitted by his body heat.
   The scopes can tell if an engine in an Iraqi truck or tank is
running or not by the amount of heat it emits. In the dead of night,
they can spot desert mice playing 1,000 yards away.
   "It's an electronic war out there," said Maj. Robert Pinson,
executive officer for a brigade of paratroopers.
   "We haven't appreciated how good some of our equipment is," said
Pinson, 39, of Columbia, S.C. "Some of the stuff has worked even
better than we thought."
   When G-Day arrives, signaling the start of ground war, an array of
high- tech killing tools will be field-proven for the first time on a
large scale.
   Much of it is second nature to soldiers who grew up with Pac Man,
the Super Mario Brothers and Master Blaster.
   Field commanders hope the ground war gizmos will work as well as
the "smart bombs" that follow laser beams and cruise missiles aimed
by microchips which gave the coalition air supremacy.
   "I'm looking at the ground stuff being as effective as the air
technology," said Col. Ron Rokosz, a brigade commander encamped near
Iraqi front lines.
   Take "Atari artillery," directed by a combination of radar
screens, computers and laser beams. The electronics ensure accuracy
of about 90 percent for steel shells that explode on impact to become
thousands of flesh-piercing fragments.
   Staff Sgt. Victor Malloy said you don't even have to put in
quarters to operate it.
   "No quarters. You put in lots of hours of training, though," said
Malloy, 34, of Indianapolis, a forward observer who guides artillery
fire. "It's very much an electronic war."
   Then there's the thermal sight of the TOW, a tube-launched,
optically sighted, wire-guided anti-tank missile. Soldiers have been
using the TOW scope to spy on the Iraqis at night. Their foe appears
on the screen as red blobs of infrared signals.
   "It's like a video game," said Sgt. Darrin Ashley, 24, of
Fayetteville, N.C., a squad leader for a TOW section in an infantry
company.

[Anybody think of the movie "The Last Starfighter" when they read this?
--spaf]

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------