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Yucks Digest V1 #15

Yucks Digest                Tue,  5 Feb 91       Volume 1 : Issue  15 

Today's Topics:
                   A typical Mensa member, perhaps?
                          Electronic Grains
                                Kudzu
                     Life in Israel with Missiles
                       Those wacky weapon names
                             yuck matter
                        Yucks - from the radio

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

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Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 13:10:25 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: A typical Mensa member, perhaps?
To: spaf

     Jury To Mull Cola Poison Case
   BARTOW, Fla. (AP)
   Eight years of arguments over loud music, yelping dogs and other
aggravations escalated into murder when a man tried to commit "the
perfect crime" by poisoning his neighbors' Coca-Cola, a prosecutor
said.
   Jurors were to receive final instructions from Circuit Judge
Dennis Maloney Tuesday before deliberating charges against George
Trepal of first-degree murder, six counts of attempted first-degree
murder and product tampering.
   Trepal, a 42-year-old computer programmer and MENSA high-IQ club
member, is accused of spiking an eight-pack of Coca-Cola bottles in
October 1988 with thallium nitrate  a highly toxic heavy metal  and
secreting them into his neighbors' kitchen.
   Peggy Carr, 41, lapsed into a three-month coma and died after
sipping the soft drink. Four other members of her family were
poisoned, though not fatally.
   If Trepal is convicted, prosecutors intend to seek the death
penalty.
   "What we have here is a man who thought he was so smart he could
commit the perfect crime," prosecutor John Aguero said in closing
arguments Monday. "He may be the most diabolical man you will ever
see before you in your life."
   Trepal's attorneys dismissed the prosecution's case as being
devoid of evidence linking Trepal to the poisonings.
   "There is no evidence Trepal put thallium into those bottles and
intended to kill anyone," Wofford Stidham said. "The prosecution is
stacking inference upon inference."
   But Aguero said no crime is perfect, and proceeded to rattle off
what he considered was evidence linking Trepal to the crime.
   It began with the first statements made to detectives, Aguero
said, when Trepal theorized the reason the Carrs were poisoned was
"somebody wanted to move them out."
   That bore a striking resemblance to a threatening typewritten note
the Carrs received a few months before the poisonings: "You and all
your so-called family have two weeks to move out of Florida forever
or else you all die. This is no joke."
   The prosecutor also noted Trepal's home was found to contain a
small vial of thallium nitrate, he kept a detailed homemade notebook
titled, "General Poisoning Guides," with several entries on thallium,
and he owned an extensive store of dangerous chemicals.
   But Stidham blasted it all as a "huge pile of suspicion."

[Kathy (my spousal unit) and I met while both of us were in Mensa.
....Hmmmm, maybe I just supported our correspondant's assertion?  --spaf]

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 1991 10:26:57 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Electronic Grains
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

[Warning!  Terrible Puns ahead! --spaf]

From: Info-Mac Digest V7 #8.

			ELECTRONIC GRAINS

	The Vegetable Computer was invented in 1842 by Charles Cabbage,
regarded by many as the father of the field. Cabbage called his computer 
the Agricultural Engine. Modern versions consist of rose and rose of
integrated carrots connected to a flower supply by a maize of wires. Input
is from pea switches, yard weeder, and tell-he's-ripe. A hayseed vine 
printer may be used to generate hard coffee, while a vegetable display
unit supports interactive composting. Main memory consists of interleaved 
beet-addressable magnetic corn. Secondary store consists of plough discs
and grape drives. All peripherals are daisy chained.
	A later version of the Agricultural Engine was known as AR-16
(after Agricultural Revolution). It was based on the sack discipline,
first perfected by the Barrow Combine, and sprouted a high-swede paper
tape reaper for the first lime.
	Early computer consumed large amounts of power. Many required 
their own electric spud-station to seed them and had to overcome the
problem of providing adequate Lentilation. Such problems caused many
a furrowed brow in the pasture and we cannot expect to avoid harrowing
days ahead. However, the many fertile minds that constitute the rate-
of-the-cart computer technology cannot fail to produce the harvest of
the future, particularly with the bloom of very large scale irrigation.
Artificial pollination techniques grafted on paralled earthworms will 
soon be producing computers proudly proclaiming "I think, therefore
I yam." All chokoes aside, we can look beyond the melon-cauli thymes
through the winnow of the ears till the salad days ahead. Lettuce advance
to the world to two marrows. To those reactionaries who would turn back
the docks we say, "hoe! hoe! hoe!".

					Herb and Russel Sprout,
					Rice Presidents,
					Assocn. for Cultivating Machinery

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 1991 10:26:57 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com
Subject: Kudzu
To: JXerarch.dl.osbu_north@xerox.com

[This is an oldie but goodie.  Every word is true.  --spaf]

This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can plant
kudzu any time of the year and enjoy it for  generations  to come.
For  those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and rumor has it
that there are odds being  taken on  when  Georgia will disappear under
a cover of the stuff.

		Gardening Tips from Down South

		      How to Grow Kudzu

        All you beginning  gardeners  out  there  might  want  to
consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great
adventure of gardening in the south.  Kudzu, for  those  of  you
not  already  familiar  with it, is a hardy perennial that can be
grown quite well by the beginner who observes  these  few  simple
rules:

Choosing a Plot:

        Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection  is
not  the  problem  it  is  with  some  other  finicky plants like
strawberries.  Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for
best  result you should select an area having at least some dirt.
To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to  plant  well  away
from your neighbor's house, unless, of course, you don't get along
well with your neighbor anyway.

Preparing the Soil:

        Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get  its
attention and to prepare it for kudzu.

Deciding When to Plant:

        Kudzu should always be planted at  night.   If  kudzu  is
planted  during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and
begin throwing rocks at you.

Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:

        The best fertilizer I have discovered  for  kudzu  is  40
weight  non-detergent  motor  oil.   Kudzu  actually doesn't need
anything to help it grow, but the  motor  oil  helps  to  prevent
scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts
its rapid growth.  It also cuts down on the friction and  lessens
the  danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move.  Change
oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks whichever  comes
first.

Mulching the Plants:

        Contrary to what may be told by  the  Extension  Service,
kudzu  can  profit  from a good mulch.  I have found that a heavy
mulch for the young plants produces a  hardier  crop.   For  best
results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu
with concrete blocks.  Although this causes a temporary  setback,
your  kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward
you with redoubled determination in the long run.

Organic or Chemical Gardenning:

        Kudzu is ideal for either the  organic  gardener  or  for
those  who  prefer  to  use  chemicals  to ward off garden pests.
Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests.   Therefore,  you
can  grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the
kudzu as best they can, or you can spray  any  commercial  poison
directly  on  your  crop.   Your decision depends on how much you
enjoy killing bugs.  The kudzu will not mind either way.

Crop Rotation:

        Many gardeners are understandably concerned that  growing
the  same  crop  year  after  year will deplete the soil.  If you
desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is
the  time  to  begin preparations.  Right now, before the growing
season has reached its peak, you should list your house  and  lot
with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move
elsewhere.  Your chances of selling will be better now than  they
will  be  later  in  the  year,  when  it  may be difficult for a
prospective buyer to realize that  underneath  those  lush  green
vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.

{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following
information.}

	From "The American Heritage Dictionary":

   ===
Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound
	leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder
	and foiage.
   ===

	Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt
to provide improved fodder for cattle.  It worked ALL TOO WELL.  Cattle
do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia.  Georgia
provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid-growing
and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive").

	People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to
return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under its
lush greener.  It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires.  Its eradication
is a major expense to utility companies.  The City of Atlanta has used
bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots.  It's resistant to most
"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough.
It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it
seems to grow.  The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred
to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back".  Rumor has it that some
of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be
covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend.

	It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer.  Its broad
leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that
the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a huge pine tree.
In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown
leaves and thick vines.  It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire
hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires.  The plant regrows
new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see its growth rate must
be phenominal.

	I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu
from kudzu tubers.  It is supposed to be prized for its nutty flavor (soy
tofu is rather bland).  The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their
own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it.  I haven't
been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right.
We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu!

	The existance of kuzu in a neigborhood has been known to adversely,
affect property values.  The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is
generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed
by "justifiable homicide."  Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds
from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental
perenial."  If understatement was a crime they'd be history.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 16:22:13 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Life in Israel with Missiles
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU

[Northern California Jewish Bulletin, Feb. 1, 1991, p. 42]

JERUSUALEM (JTA) --- The Scud attacks Israel has suffered have
produced some bizarre tales.
	One newspaper reported Monday about a man who underwent
surgery before the U.N.-imposed Jan. 15 deadline for Iraq to
withdraw from Kuwait and did not regain consciousness for over a week.
	In the meantime, of course, American and allied forces started
their air assault on Iraq Jan. 17 and the first Scud missile fell on
Tel Aviv the following day.
	When the surgical patient came to, it was in the middle of
an air raid alert.  The patient saw what seemed to be devils who
looked like ants, and he concluded he was dead.
	The man was not hallucinating.  The doctors and nurses
attending him wore gas maskes, which made them resemble arthropods.
When they saw his bewilderment, they removed the masks to reassure him.
	But the patient reportedly fainted from shock when the doctor
said his father and mother were waiting outside to see him.  The man's
mother had died five years earlier, and he now was surely convinced
he was dead, the newspaper reported.
	As it turned out, the doctor had been only slightly mistaken.
The woman waiting with the patient's father was the man's second wife.
	Another story making the rounds is of a family that was taping
their favorite television program, "The Cosby Show," when an air raid
alert sent them scurrying into their gas-proof room.
	After the "all-clear," they resumed watching the show, this
time on videotape.  When it came to the point where it was interrupted
by the air raid alert, the family forgot they were watching a recording
and went back to the sealed room.
	According to the newspaper story, they sat there for an hour
wondering why no "all clear" was broadcast on their transistor radio.

------------------------------

Date: 5 Feb 91 08:20:06 GMT
From: griffith@dweeb.fx.com (Jim)
Subject: Those wacky weapon names
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chf@Franz.COM), and it's been
elaborated on since the original proposal.
     
Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best
of which is the "Wild Weasel")?  Several of us were speculating about
David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames.  In no particular
order, we've come up with

        10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber
         9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile 
         8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet
     	 7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier
     	 6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter
         5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane
     	 4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter
         3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo  
         2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber

And the number one answer...

         1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet

Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning...

        the TomCruise Missile
        the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target)
        the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile
        the new scuds on the block
        the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile
					    (will not explode before its time)

But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name
"Wolf Blitzer"...

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 22:48:56 EST
From: rocsoft!rdb@cs.rochester.edu (Robert D. Baden)
Subject: yuck matter
To: dcw@cs.rochester.edu, spaf

Interestingly I have not one, not two, but *three* of the below mentioned
CD's - gee, I wonder if they (Sun) will have to put warnings on the CD's -
don't let your children put these in the microwave...

----- Begin Included Message -----

   From: rlb@lavalite.asd.sgi.com (Robert Brown)
   Newsgroups: comp.org.sug
   Date: 1 Feb 91 05:36:58 GMT
   Reply-To: rlb@lavalite.asd.sgi.com (Robert Brown)
   Organization: Silicon Graphics, Inc., Mountain View, CA.

   For those of you that attended last December's SUG conference and
   were given a free Catalyst Software CD and have grown somewhat
   tired of it, here's a suggestion.

   Place the CD on an inverted paper cup in a microwave oven, darken
   the room, and start the oven. Only leave the oven on for about 2-3
   seconds at a time, otherwise the plastic gets too hot.  The CD sparkles
   beautifully as the aluminum sparks and breaks up.  It also leaves a
   really nice tree pattern on the top surface of the diskette. Nice ozone,
   too.

   We just did one; it was great.

   This isn't commentary on the Catalyst CD, it just that I've never
   had a CD before that was disposable.  It also has nothing to do with
   being at SGI, as I was on the Board of Directors of SUG for a few years
   and think it's a fine organization.

   Try it; you'll never turn down a free CD again...or send me your
   junk CDs!

--end included matter--

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 12:35:25 EST
From: meo%valkyrie.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Yucks - from the radio
To: spaf

[ As a former Georgia Tech student, I can attest that the
following is typical on-the-air behavior.  WREK is unusual.... --spaf]

"Next we'll hear from Surgery...

"No, wait. I just PLAYED Surgery, you idiot! Let's see...

"You're listening to The Professionals on WREK."

Yeah, we noticed!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 16:51:41 EST
From: Scott Dorsey <osc!stratus!uunet!grissom.larc.nasa.gov!kludge>
To: osc!stupid

DISKEEPER USER STUNNED BY DENIAL OF TECH SUPPORT
Nancy Kelly, Digital News.  Feb 4, 1991

   Ciba-Geigy was refused technical support for its disk defragmenter after the
supplier, Executive Software Inc., learned that the Swiss chemical company
made Ritalin, a drug sometimes prescribed for hyperactive children.
   Executive Software, maker of the dominant disk defragmenter for the VAX,
Diskepper, objects to the production of Ritalin as a drug that is prescribed
by psychiatrists.  The drug has provoked controversy based upon some studies
that document several cases of suicides among young adolescents who had been
given the drug as children.  The Physicians' Desk Reference indicates that
the side effects of Ritalin withdrawal include paranoia with thoughts of
suicide.  
   The Glendale, Calif. software firm has a longstanding policy against selling
its products to psychiatrists and psychiatric institutions.  On Jan. 9 the 
firm's board of directors voted to expand that policy to include psychiatric
drug manufacturers, after a company employee brought it to President Craig
Jensen's attention that the makers of Ritalin had purchased a copy of Diskeeper.
   "Ciba-Geigy ranks with the scum of the earth in my opinion," said Jensen.
"The primary effect of Ritalin is suicide.  When some of our employees heard
we sold our software to them, I agreed to cancel that license, if necessary,
and refuse to do business with drug manufacturers in the future."
   The U.S.-based Ciba-Geigy MIS manager who bought Diskeeper late last year
is not part of the pharmaceutical division of the company, which has eight
seperate divisions that produce products ranging from pigments to plastics.
He asked that he and his division not be identified.  He said that he sought
technical support when his employees ran into difficulty installing Diskeeper
and that he was referred by the support staff to Dave Kluge [no relation- s.d.]
Executive Software's corporate affairs manager.
   He said Kluge told him Executive Software would not provide Ciba-Geigy
with any technical support.  "He told me 'You people make psychiatric drugs
and implements of torture.'
   "I said, 'You're kidding.'  I thought he was putting me on.
   "He said we're responsible for people taking these drugs and don't we know
they commit suicide.  I told him we have nothing to do with the pharmaceutical
division but he said it was the company policy," said the Ciba-Geigy official.
   Kluge sent the MIS manager a letter outlining Executive Software's policy
and the means by which Ciba-Geigy could obtain a refund for its purchase.
   Jensen told Digital News that Executive Software would honor its
contractual obligations with Ciba-Geigy, which had purchased a 12-month update
service.  However, it would not renew the service or the software once the
agreement expired.
   "Ciba-Geigy slipped through," said Jensen.  "But I think someone should take
a stand on this, and I'm willing to do so."
   Meanwhile the Ciba-Geigy MIS manager, who had worked with Diskeeper at a
previous job and had decided to purchase it after experiencing problems with
a competitor's product is essentially without a disk defragmenter.
   "There's no point in using it if this is what they are going to do," he 
said, referring to the eventual loss of technical support and upgrades.  He
also expressed dismay at Executive Software's stand on Ritalin.
   "Thousands of kids can attend school because of Ritalin," he said.  "Those
parents thank us.  There are problems with every drug on the market.  It is
up to the doctor to decide who it should be prescribed to."
   According to two former Executive Software employees, the company's policy
in part stems from Jensen's membership in the Church of Scientology.  "He 
doesn't believe in anything that has to do with psychiatry because the church
doesn't," said Michael Sigourney, president of Aviv Software Inc. and a former
director of marketing at Executive Software.  A second employee, who asked not
to be identified, confirmed Jensen's affiliation with the church, adding that,
"The Church of Scientology is against the distribution of Ritalin to school
children.  They're opposed to a variety of drugs."
   In an October 1989 letter to his employees, Jensen detailed the company's
policy in refusing to license software to psychiatrists or psychiatric
institutions, stating that the policy reflected his own personal views.
That policy states in part that to do business with psychiatrists "would
condone political mental treatment such as electric shocks, lobotomy and
convulsive drugs.  We condemn utterly this fascist approach to 'mental health'
by extermination of the insane, and we will not agree to brutality and murder
in the guise of mental healing or to the easy and lawless seizure of persons
in the name of 'mental health' for political reasons."
   The latter further elaborated that, to counter the action of some 
psychiatrists who purchase the product, Jensen personally donates "large sums"
to organizations such as the Citizen's Commission on Human Rights, "which is
doing an excellent job of documenting and publicizing psychiatric crimes."
   The Citizens Commission on Human Rights was founded by the Church of
Scientology in 1969 to protect individuals from psychiatric abuse.  It
frequently lobbies against the practice of prescribing Ritalin as a means to
control hyperactive children. 

------------------------------

End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------