[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V1 #14
-
To: yucks
-
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #14
-
From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
-
Date: Tue, 5 Feb 91 08:29:08 EST
-
Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Tue, 5 Feb 91 Volume 1 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
In the news
Laugh With The Lord
My current favorite
Satire on "Managing Interpersonal Relationships"
Software Engineering Process Archaeology (Zone #115)
The Stealth Missle in Action
Yet Another Iraqui Joke
Wacky Whirly Birds
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 Feb 91 11:58:21 PST
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: In the news
To: spaf
Vietnam era music for gulf war
By Otto Kreisher Copley News Service DHAHRAN, Saudi Arabia
The sand-colored "deuce-and-a-half" truck stops along side in the line for
a security check.
The young camouflage-clad driver beats time on the steering wheel
as American music blares from a portable radio laying atop the dusty
dashboard.
Through the open window comes the sound of The Animals roaring "We
Got To Get Out Of This Place."
Later, the car radio carries the mellower sound of The Beatles'
"Eleanor Rigby."
The year may be 1991 and the distant sight of sand hills and the
Arabic script on the highway signs may say Saudi Arabia, but the music
coming from Armed Forces Radio recalls the 1960s and the jungles of
Vietnam.
As if caught in some kind of cultural time warp, the youthful
warriors of Operation Desert Storm, most of whom were infants when the
Vietnam War ended 17 years ago, have taken to the music from their
fathers' war.
The deejay who put the first Armed Forces Radio show on the air
last summer even opened up with the flagrantly plagiarized greeting
"Goooood Mornin' Saudi Arabia," from the movie about the Army's Vietnam
radio operation.
"I thought the other day, it's almost Vietnam all over again,"
said Sgt. Major Robert Nelson, whose 30-year Army career included tours
in Vietnam. "I was listening to The Animals, to (Bob) Dylan..."
Nelson, who is command sergeant major for Armed Forces Radio and
Television System's operations in Saudi Arabia, said the music put out
by the four regional stations is not dictated by some out-of-step
senior officers, as portrayed in the popular film "Good Morning
Vietnam."
Since the Persian Gulf crisis turned into active war on Aug. 17,
"the music we've been using has been mostly requests," Nelson said in a
telephone interview from his office in Riyadh.
Suprisingly, those requests are more like the format of a
"Classic Rock" or "Golden Oldies" station than the "top 40s" selection
expected from mostly high school-educated men and women whose average
age is in the low 20s.
For every rap or heavy metal song played, there would be half a
dozen like Huey Lewis and the News praising "The Power of Love" and
Starship promising "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now."
During a midnight drive back to the hotel the Dhahran Armed Forces
Radio station was even offering a soothing "Unchained Melody,"
requested by some military unit out in the desert.
Nelson said the requests generally fall into three categories.
"There's rock and hard rock. Then there's the soft and cuddly,
sentimental stuff.
"Amazingly, when the action gets harder, such as when thee
fighting started at Khafji (Tuesday night), almost immediately the
music get softer, like `Wind Beneath My Wings,' or `Til I hold You
Again'," he said.
Nelson said you can "almost track the course of the war" by the
requests. An example, he said, was the week the Army's Patriot Missiles
were knocking down all of Iraq's Scud missiles aimed at Dhahran and
Riyadh.
"We got a lot of requests for `Another One Bites the Dust' and
`Hit Me With Your Best Shot'," he said.
The other popular category, Nelson said, is the "patriotic stuff"
such as Neil Diamond's "Coming to America," Bruce Springsteen's "Born
in the USA," and the military's unofficial anthem, Lee Greenwood's "I
Love the USA."
At the same time, the station recently played a rap-style song
that had as a counter refrain the classic peacenik's chant "all we are
saying, is give peace a chance."
The requests also show some thing of a manic mood swing with such
songs as Gary Macguire's Vietnam-era downer, "Eve of Distruction," and
Bobby McFarren's 1988 musical valium, "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
Nelson said each of the four stations has a different flavor.
Riyadh, where the Central Command headquarters means a lot of
senior officers and non-commissioned officers, the requests are more
for the lighter music.
Dhahran, which reaches younger support personnel and air crews,
leans more toward hard rock.
King Khalid Military City, a sprawling multi-purpose base, does
more "classics and golden oldies," Nelson said.
And Jubail, with a largely Marine and Navy audience, does a lot of
country and western, he said.
Although AFRTS has 5,000-watt transmitters at the four main
stations and a number of relay stations, the music does not reach many
of the front-line grunts who now have moved closer to the Kuwaiti
border.
The front-line troops also have been deprived of another source of
music. A pool news report said the allied air campaign against Iraq
apparently knocked out the transmitter for "Baghdad Betty," whose
broadcasted music and heavy-handed propaganda entertained the combat
units until two weeks ago.
In the tents and sand-bagged "hooches" of the front line, most of
the music now comes from tiny tape decks or boom boxes.
And that music shows the same strange throw back to the Vietnam
era, according to a pool reporter with the front-line Marines.
The young Marines in the barren desert of northeastern Saudi
Arabia are listening to Dylan, and Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin, whose
songs bolstered another generation of grunts at Khe Sahn, or Hue or Da
Nang.
"Close your eyes and you could be back in Saigon," Marine Maj.
Joe Kirkman told the pool reporter. "Hearing these kids listen now to
what I listened to then is a kind of shock, a real 'Nam deja vu."
[ Hmmm, I hadn't thought of it before, but deploying ordinance is
probably more appropriate to the sound of Hendrix or The Doors than it
would be to "We Got the Beat" or "Can't Touch This," although both have
the right kind of titles. Listening to Jim Morrison would put me in a
grim, fatalistic, determined mood; listening to Vanilla Ice would put
me in a psychotic, genocidal rage. In fact, it does that now.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Feb 1991 2:13:41 CST
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
Subject: Laugh With The Lord
To: to-people-who-like-to-smile:;@rascal.ics.utexas.edu@cs.purdue.edu
[ forwarded by unnamed source ...]
The following are actual announcements taken from church bulletins;
I hope you will...
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
2. Tuesday evening there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk,
please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing:
"Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club.
All those wishing to become Little Mothers, please meet the minister in his
study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
6. The services will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, come forward and
get a piece of paper.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music
will follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David
Alan Belser, the sin of reverend and Mrs. Julius Belser.
Tschuess, and Amen...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 91 21:07:01 EST
From: emery@d74sun.mitre.org (David Emery)
Subject: My current favorite
Responding to a report that Saddam has executed his Air Defense and Air Force
chiefs for incompetence, LTG Kelley stated: "He has a very dynamic
zero-defects program."
------------------------------
Date: 4 Feb 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: michael@hpfcma.fc.hp.com (Michael Schoonover)
Subject: Satire on "Managing Interpersonal Relationships"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here is a memory refresher for those who have taken the "Managing
Interpersonal Relationships" (MIR) course. If you haven't taken
the course yet, you can read these notes and won't have to! Any
similarity between characters or events in this posting and characters
(living or dead) or events in real life is purely (or puerilely)
coincidental.
notes from
"MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly
two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains
control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along
this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and
Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his
or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale,
humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court
nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggert
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is
genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of
20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers.
This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by
copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire
(convenience store clerks, you mother, your worst enemies), your
location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some
exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in
the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we
can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is
derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis
and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
- | | |
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your
personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if
your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the
Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and
are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on
Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are
probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no
value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be
a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be where-ever
you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the
personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and
vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred
between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant (The Author's Quadrant!)
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines
more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone
else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous ARs: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good
until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good
at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SWs: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of
grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within
earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous Ms: Saddam Heussin, Alexander Haig
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them,
obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties
(especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous Ps: Sam Kinnison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to
personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other
dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale
denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibil-
personality. personality. ity. Can
fake all four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality
quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For
example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this
course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The
key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that
you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand
what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that
it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal
relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work
with people once you've stereotyped them.
------------------------------
Date: 5 Feb 91 00:30:05 GMT
From: scannell@bubba.ma30.bull.com (P Scannell)
Subject: Software Engineering Process Archaeology (Zone #115)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Copyright (c) 1990 Patrick D. Scannell
Used by permission
"Software Engineering Process Archaeology, An Overview"
(Transcript of a lecture by Grant Money, D.S.A.)
(Doctor of Software Archaeology)
To trace the development of the Software Engineering Process, we
must begin in the late Pleurassic period (so named because the
air was very dense and it was hard to breathe.) It was during
this period that violent geological upheavals brought to the
earth's surface large deposits of silicon and germanium crystals,
and the first crude programs, barely more than undifferentiated
collections of single-bit organisms such as the primitive
kilobyte, crawled out of the sea and began to live and thrive on
silicon. More complex forms, such as structures and arrays,
began to evolve.
It was during the Ice Ages of the Fortybeloic period, however,
that programs began to thrive and multiply. Unlike the dinosaurs
who preferred a warmer climate, software produced its own heat
and operated better in a colder environment. However, in the
warmer Kerocene epoch which followed, the competition between
programs became more fierce, and the first carnivorous programs
such as viruses began to develop. Parasitic organisms such as
statistics gathering tools also evolved during this period.
During these periods, thousands of strains of primitive programs
evolved, thrived for a while, and died out. But it was not until
the advent of the customer that programs began to assume the
importance that they have today. The oldest known customer,
Pithecanthropurchaser, was discovered at Olduvai Gorge by Dr.
Louis B. Sneaky. Fossil remains and other evidence indicate that
the Pithecanthropurchaser whose remains Dr. Sneaky discovered
died while waiting for a customer service line to take him off
hold. (Of course, the average life span of the
Pithecanthropurchaser was only about 35 years, so this is not too
surprising.)
The next step in the evolution of software was the invention of
the requirements document. Until the requirements document,
programs were purchased without being expected to do anything
specific, or in some cases because they had done something
interesting and the purchaser hoped that they might do it again.
There was, however, no clear perception that a certain input
might result in a certain output. The first requirements
document is believed to have been a gift from aliens who carved
it on a large basalt block, as dramatized in the movie "2001."
The existence of requirement specs led purveyors of software to
experiment with interbreeding of programs in order to produce
desired characteristics. Gregor Mental, a monk, discovered that
certain characteristics (such as Help Key Support) were
recessive, but could be passed on to future generations of
software. Thus a program with both the recessive help function
and the dominant no help would not have help key support, but the
offspring of two such programs would have one chance in four of
having this characteristic. (What we would now call a feature.)
Meanwhile, the first steps toward a Software Engineering Process
Aggregation had been taken. The so-called "Midas" (or "Through
the Goose") model, popular during the Middle Ages and Early
Renaissance, looked like this:
FRONT VIEW SIDE VIEW
_______ __________________
/ \ | |
/\ ENG /\ | |
/ \ / \ Customer | |
/ \()/ \ =======| |=====
\ PLM ||MFG / Input | |
\ || / | |
\_||_/ |___________________|
As the diagram shows, this model allowed Engineering, PLM and
Manufacturing to go round and round in circles, while Customer
input went in one end and out the other without stopping.
The next model, used throughout most of the 20th century, was the
"Osmosis" model:
______________________________
CUSTOMER | | | |
INPUT -------->| PLM | R&D | Mfg |---> PRODUCT
|_________|_________|_________|
This model has the advantage, for the customer, that some of the
customer's requirements may, with some luck, filter through into
the product by a process similar to osmosis.
But what, we may ask, is the model of the '90s and beyond?
Predictions, of course, are dangerous, but many scientists now
believe that the "Osmosis" model will be replaced by the so-
called "Milli Vanilli" model (sometimes also referred to as the
"Tom Sawyer" model) in which the customers actually produce the
software themselves, and the producer sells it back to them at a
profit. Naturally, this model presents great challenges to the
marketing and sales organizations.
Thus, to summarize, we see that the development of software
engineering process has made considerable progress over the past
few eons, and yet in the end we must conclude that it still makes
very little sense.
Thank you. Good night.
------------------------------
Date: 4 Feb 91 08:20:07 GMT
From: mathews@cs.buffalo.edu (Ryan Mathews)
Subject: The Stealth Missle in Action
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The war in the Persian Gulf has brought about the use of many new
high-tech American weapons, weapons that until now had never been
tested in combat. Most of these weapons have met with astonishing
success, but none with as much success as the Stealth Missle. The
Stealth Missle has the ability to avoid all forms of detection, not
just electronic, but visual as well. Here is a video, recently
released by the military, of the Stealth Missle in action.
[Scene: Iraqi war room. Several Iraqi officers are discussing a map of
the middle east.]
Officer : So it is decided! We will launch more SCUDs at Tel Aviv
tonight!
[A knock at the door.]
Officer : Who is it?
Voice : Mr. Al-Hakbarrraazzer...?
Officer : What did you say?
Voice : Mr. Hussezzakbaghdiz...?
Officer : I can't understand you! Who is this?
[pause]
Voice : Plumber...
Officer : We don't need a plumber! We no longer have running water!
[pause]
Voice : Candygram...
Officer : Okay, wise guy! Who is this really?
[pause]
Voice : CNN reporter...
Officer : Oh! Okay, you can come in!
[The officer opens the door revealing a missle wearing a trenchcoat
and Groucho glasses. It flies into the room and detonates.]
Now aren't you glad your Congress voted the appropriations?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Feb 91 11:13:27 PST
From: stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: Another Iraqui Joke
To: spaf
This one is a lot more fun after a couple of cold beers.
[Depends on your point of view, I guess. --spaf]
Source: Some guy at The St. James Infirmary, Mtn. View
Q: What do Iraqi soldiers do to pass the time on a Saturday night?
A: Go into Baghdad and get bombed.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 2 Feb 91 08:35:47 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Wacky Whirly Birds
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
From: Anthony DeBoer, Programmer, GEAC J&E Systems Ltd. Toronto, Ontario, Canada
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------