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Yucks Digest V1 #4

Yucks Digest                Sat,  5 Jan 91       Volume 1 : Issue   4 

Today's Topics:
                  Galileo Flyby Fails to Find Elvis
                             Real America
                       San Francisco earthquake
                         X windows signature

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.  It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.

Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory.  Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.

Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu

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From: Bill Higgins-- Beam Jockey <HIGGINS%FNAL.BITNET@UICVM.uic.edu>
Subject: Galileo Flyby Fails to Find Elvis
To: SPACE+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU

Maybe I should stop reading NASA press releases.  I think they're
having a bad effect on me...

     O~~*           /_) ' / /   /_/ '  ,   ,  ' ,_  _           \|/
   - ~ -~~~~~~~~~~~/_) / / /   / / / (_) (_) / / / _\~~~~~~~~~~~zap!
 /       \                          (_) (_)                    / | \
 |       |     Bill Higgins   Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
 \       /     Bitnet:     HIGGINS@FNALB.BITNET
   -   -       Internet:  HIGGINS@FNAL.FNAL.GOV
     ~         SPAN/Hepnet:      43011::HIGGINS
====================================================================

W. Skeffington Higgins
Headquarters, Washington, D.C.                   April 1, 1991
(Phone:  703/555-5609)

RELEASE:  91-48

NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH

The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's
instruments failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its
flyby of Earth last December 8th.

Galileo, a joint project of the National Aeronautics and Space
Administration and the European Space Agency, is a two-part spacecraft,
consisting of an orbiter and an atmospheric probe, which will explore
Jupiter and its satellites when it arrives there in December of 1995.
On the way, it has encountered Venus, returned to pass Earth, and will
encounter Earth once more at the end of next year.

Prelimnary analysis of the Galileo science data has concentrated on
searching for characteristic profiles of the pioneering rock 'n' roll
singer.

"It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward
Rock of Caltech.  "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis
imitators.  You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects
of similar appearance."

The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of
Galileo's sensors.  "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very
similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS
[Near Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale.
"But no imitator has Elvis's magnetism."  Researchers combined data
from Galileo's sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11-meter)
boom, with optical, infrared, and ultraviolet measurements.  They are
capable of identifying a single genuine Elvis among all the other
features of Earth's landscape. This is a very sensitive technique-- a
feat equivalent to standing in St. Joseph, Missouri, and
distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines in Memphis.

Instruments which measure radio emissions also studied the planet
during the encounter.  "We picked up numerous broadcasts of
'Heartbreak Hotel' and 'Hound Dog,'" Dr. Finale said.  "But we were
able to corroborate nearly every one with the location of previously
known oldies stations."

Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible
existence of Elvis.  "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock.
"And we're guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for.
If Elvis has lost weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared
signature."  According to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or
minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a number described as "consistent with
zero."

The most widely held theory on Elvis Presley is that he died on August
16, 1977. In the past few years, however, ground-based observers have
reported sightings of Presley in such locations as Kalamazoo,
Michigan.  Since then scientists have been interested in more precise
measurements of "The King."

Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence
for Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system,
most scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him.
"If, as the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr.
Torrance California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he
really is dead."

Galileo's ultimate destination is an orbit around Jupiter.  But to get
there, it needs to pick up extra speed; it has made one encounter with
Venus and another with Earth.  The spacecraft will swoop by Earth one
more time in December 1992. The Galileo flyby was an opportunity to
employ advanced planetary-science instruments to observe the Earth.
According to Ted Clarke, of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, "Only two
planets in our solar system had never had a flyby mission.  One is
Pluto.  The other is Earth."  During the encounter Galileo studied
several aspects of the Earth-Moon system, which also served as a test
of its instruments.

Having verified their search techniques in the Decmber 1990 encounter,
scientists are now planning for the 1992 Earth flyby.  At that time
they expect to use Galileo to search for aviatrix Amelia Earhart and
labor leader Jimmy Hoffa.

------------------------------

From: Henry Cate's mailing list
Subject: Real America

    The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.

At a Santa Fe gas station:	We will sell gasoline to anyone in
	a glass container.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:	Trespassers will be prosecuted
	to the full extent of the law.  --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:	38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:	Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater:	Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted
	unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward:	No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company:	Ask about our plans for owning
	your home.

In a New York medical building:		Mental Health Prevention Center

In a toy department:	Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

On a New York convalescent home:	For the sick and tired of the
	Episcopal Church.

At a number of military bases:	Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards:	Now available
	in multi-packs.

On a shopping mall marquee:	Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop:		We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:	Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
	you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant:	Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant:	Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

In the vestry of a New England church:  Will the last person to leave please
	see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:	Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
	from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school:	No tresspassing without permission.

In a library:	Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
	stops taking it away.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:	If you can't
	read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this
sign."

------------------------------

From: Henry cate's mailing list
Subject: San Francisco earthquake

This from Herb Caen's column

The inhabitants of the Marina district are tired of the term
"Earthquakes Victims" and ask that they by referred to as
"People with earthquake."
Earthquake-Americans
"Motionally Disturbed"
Ameriquakians
Quakers

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From: spaf
Subject: X windows signature

I thought the signature included in the posting was much more amusing than
the contents of the article...

>>From: mjr@hussar.dco.dec.com (Marcus J. Ranum)
>>Newsgroups: comp.unix.misc
>>Subject: Re: Unix Security Mail
>>Message-ID: <1991Jan04.212818.23606@decuac.dec.com>
>>Date: 4 Jan 91 21:28:18 GMT
>>References: <1991Jan4.143423.9494@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov>
>>Organization: Digital Equipment Corp., Washington Ultrix Resource Center
>>
   [message deleted]
>>-- 
>>	If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer
>>than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which follow
>>the same prinicples - but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.
>>Useful feature, that.     [From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990]

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End of Yucks Digest
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