[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V1 #3
-
To: yucks
-
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #3
-
From: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
-
Date: Thu, 3 Jan 91 11:38:54 EST
-
Reply-To: Yucks-request
Yucks Digest Thu, 3 Jan 91 Volume 1 : Issue 3
Today's Topics:
(!pout && !cry)
DB: Year in Review
Definite Yuck (yeuch?)
R U a Redneck?
Sweet job
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Submissions should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
**********************************************************************
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 90 04:40:20 -0500
From: "Claudia Cloutier" <cmc@beach.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: (!pout && !cry)
To: spaf
Recently seen on our network:
Broadcast message at 11:39 ...
>From root@ultima: Shutdown....
*
* 'twas the night before Christmas
* and all through the house
* not a creature was stirring...
* not even a Sun 3/260 with dual SMD drives
* and 16M of main memory. Or, for that matter, an air conditioner.
* Or a Gould. Or an IBM.
* Hell, NOTHING was stirring. Not even my Bamix.
*
* We're shutting down at 12:00. I mean it. We have your cat.
* Send $17,000.21 in unmarked, used bills to the Machine room by
* 11:59, or your login service gets terminated.
*
* Ner. Bet you thought this was going to be silly, huh?
*
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Jan 91 17:19:59 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: DB: Year in Review
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
Dave Barry's Year in Review
-- by Dave Barry
JANUARY
1. The New Year begins on a hopeful note as joyous freedom-loving
Germans tear down the Berlin Wall. In college football, the University
of Miami wins the national championship, causing the collapse of 17
savings-and-loan institutions that had bet on Notre Dame.
2. Joyous freedom-loving Germans hastily rebuild the Berlin Wall
after discovering that it contains a major sewer line.
4. In Panama, strongman Manuel Noriega is arrested on drug charges
after a ``sting'' operation in which he was videotaped smoking crack
cocaine in an apartment with 27,000 undercover U.S. troops.
5. True item: A Northwest Airlines flight, en route from Miami to
Minneapolis, is forced to land in Tampa after an engine falls off in
midair as a result of a problem caused by a leaking toilet.
9. Elvis quietly turns 55.
10. The Federal Aviation Administration orders that all commercial
airline flights must carry a licensed plumber.
12. In the Union of Fewer and Fewer Soviet Socialist Republics,
secession movements break out in Romania, Latvia, Estonia, Moldavia and
Lithuania. The American Heart Association announces that oat bran tastes
like mulch.
18. Gullible Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry is tricked into
smoking crack by slick undercover agents who tell the mayor that it is
``candy.''
19. Congress, responding to a national crisis, creates a new cabinet-
level post, Secretary of Deciding Which Long Distance Phone Company You
Should Get.
20. True item: The R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. develops a new
cigarette, called ``Uptown,'' designed specifically to be marketed to
black people.
21. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to pay $20,000 in cash
by Wednesday afternoon.
27. Captured Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega is brought to Miami
and placed in the Maximum Security Suite at the Hotel Intercontinental.
28. In yet another memorable Super Bowl, cold weather grips much of
the nation.
29. The Federal Aviation Administration, responding to concerns over
passenger health, bans U.S. airlines from serving food.
31. True item: An official of the U.S. Drug Enforcement
Administration tells The Baltimore Sun that, in an effort to get high,
people have been licking cane toads, which secrete a hallucinogenic and
sometimes deadly chemical. The official notes that this is a difficult
crime to prosecute: ``If you had a toad, we would have to prove you were
licking it on purpose, or you had given it to someone to lick on
purpose.''
FEBRUARY
1. The first McDonald's opens in Moscow and is very successful,
although the customers, unfamiliar with American fast-food procedures,
have to be shown how to turn the used containers into litter.
3. In Pennsylvania, a popular Groundhog Day tradition is re-enacted
as ``Punxsatawney Phil'' pokes his sleepy head out of the ground and is
liberated by animal-rights activists.
4. In Miami, a riot breaks out in Manuel Noriega's maximum-security
hotel suite when the former Panamanian strongperson's mini-bar runs out
of brie.
6. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to immediately come up
with $100,000 plus a 15 percent gratuity.
7. British surgeons successfully transplant a cheeseburger from the
stomach of a 47-year-old woman to that of a 19-year-old man. In
Washington, D.C., crafty undercover agents trick Mayor Marion Barry into
licking a toad.
9. Alleged mafia kingpin John Gotti is acquitted by a New York jury
that apparently was deeply impressed when Gotti's lawyer, in a dramatic
closing argument, chain-sawed the heads off of 12 randomly selected
dolls. Paul McCartney turns 70.
11. Donald Trump informs the press that he is leaving his wife,
Ivana, so that he can spend more time with himself. Stocks fall.
12. U.S.-government-sponsored TV Marti starts broadcasting toward
Cuba in an effort to trick the Castro regime into purchasing billions of
dollars worth of useless merchandise from the Home Shopping Network.
14. In the Soviet Union, secession movements break out in Armenia,
Malaria, Amnesia, Anemia, Pennsylvania, Lusitania and Gardenia.
16. The U.S. Postal Service, which loses $4 million a day, announces
that it must raise the price of a first-class stamp to 30 cents so it
can pay for all those TV commercials telling you how efficient it is.
17. In Beverly Hills, animal-rights activists liberate Zsa Zsa Gabor.
19. A dispute between professional baseball team owners and players
results in the cancellation of Spring Training, posing a grave threat to
the nation's spit supply.
18. True item: President Bush, in his National Drug Control Strategy,
requests $6.5 million for an Agriculture Department program to study the
Malumbia moth, which, in its caterpillar stage, eats the coca leaves
used to produce cocaine. ``This is quite a voracious caterpillar,''
states an Agriculture Department official.
19. Donald Trump spends a weekend with himself in Hawaii. ``Best sex
I ever had!'' he reports.
20. Security is tight as President Bush and three Latin American
leaders go to Colombia for a Drug Summit.
21. In an upset that shocks the boxing world, heavyweight champion
Mike Tyson is knocked out by actress Robin Givens. At the Drug Summit,
President Bush and three Latin American leaders announce that they are
``very happy'' and wish to order a pizza.
22. Ronald Reagan, in videotaped testimony for the trial of his
former national security adviser, John Poindexter, clears up some
lingering questions about the Iran-Contra scandal by revealing that to
the best of his recollection, Iran ``is a country located near Europe or
possibly France.'' CBS suspends Andy Rooney for doing a commentary
devoted entirely to toe lint. Neighboring nations ask the Drug Summit to
keep the noise down.
23. Reagan's press office releases a clarification stating that the
former President meant to say ``or possibly Sweden.'' The Drug Summit
concludes on a positive note as President Bush and three Latin American
leaders issue a joint statement declaring that if you stare at a candle
for several minutes, you see some ``really incredible'' colors.
24. Famous wealthy person Malcolm Forbes dies and flies 2,700 of his
famous wealthy friends to Monaco for a really fabulous funeral featuring
the Rockettes.
25. Millions of bottles of Perrier are pulled out of stores worldwide
when a chemical analysis reveals that it's nothing but water.
26. Financially troubled Eastern Airlines reaches an agreement with
its creditors under which it will give them back 50 percent of their
luggage.
MARCH
1. The War on Drugs suffers another setback when, as a result of a
typing error, the Agriculture Department, instead of breeding the coca-
eating Malumbia moth, starts breeding the gazoombia moth, which eats fax
paper.
2. Ivana Trump announces that she is unhappy with the terms of her
prenuptial agreement, under which she would receive the children, a
house, and Connecticut. Concerned New Yorkers donate canned goods.
4. The Republic of Mauritania attempts to secede from the Soviet
Union, only to be informed, in a strongly worded rebuke from Mikhail
Gorbachev, that it is located in Africa.
5. True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals that twice in the past
year, New York City priests have performed exorcisms to cure people who
are possessed by demons. The cardinal does not mention George
Steinbrenner by name.
11. Another true item: Vice President Quayle, in Chile to represent
the entire United States, sends a Secret Service agent into a souvenir
shop to purchase an anatomically correct Indian statuette that, when you
pull its head back, becomes very masculine, if you get our drift.
15. Political confusion deepens in Haiti when a tourist from Akron,
Ohio, wanders into the palace during Coup Hour and is accidentally
declared President for Life.
16. Vice President Quayle is reported to be suffering from neck
pains. His office denies rumors that Marilyn has been pulling his head
back.
17. In Washington, a security foul-up at the Agriculture Department
results in the escape of several million gazoombia moths. In the ensuing
rampage, the hungry insects destroy an estimated 750,000 pounds of vital
government fax documents, or nearly a third of the daily federal output.
Stocks soar.
18. True item: U.S. officials admit that a billion-dollar U.S. spy
satellite, which was launched in February to spy on the Soviet Union,
has malfunctioned and will soon crash, possibly on the Soviet Union.
22. True quote from George Bush, Leader of the Free World: ``I do not
like broccoli and I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my
mother made me eat it and I'm the president of the United States and I'm
not going to eat any more broccoli.''
28. In Washington, D.C., undercover agents trick Mayor Marion Barry
into sitting on a ``whoopee cushion.''
30. True item: NASA delays the space-shuttle mission that will launch
the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope because of -- we swear we are not
making this up -- gnats on the payload doors. ``The Hubble is so
sensitive,'' a NASA spokesperson says. ``They've got very strict
conditions.''
31. President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler.
APRIL
1. The U.S. Census Bureau mails out 100 million census forms, 87
million of which are addressed to a single household in Albany, N.Y.
2. In a major coup for U.S. intelligence, a U.S. spy satellite
successfully penetrates a Soviet Politburo meeting through the roof.
Unfortunately, the satellite is destroyed upon impact. Fortunately, the
meeting is also being broadcast on CNN.
5. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to eat a live iguana.
10. Donald Trump, fueling rumors that his financial empire is in
trouble, stars in a ``No Excuses'' jeans commercial.
15. In New York, Imelda Marcos goes on trial on charges of stealing
several Philippine Islands, which she allegedly concealed under her
skirt.
21. In New York City, junk-bond king Michael Milken pleads guilty to
fraud and is ordered to pay a fine of $600 million, which he obtains by
selling his watch.
22. Joining in the celebration of Earth Day, R.J. Reynolds introduces
a new cigarette, Planet.
23. The U.S. Census Bureau celebrates Thanksgiving.
24. NASA again delays the launch of the extremely sensitive $1.5
billion Hubble Space Telescope because of barbecue sauce on the lens.
Miami Beach building-code authorities cite Mayor Alex Daoud for
illegally installing a night-deposit slot on his front door.
27. The Food and Drug Administration announces that whatever it said
about cholesterol in last week's cholesterol announcement was probably
wrong.
30. A team of Boston University medical researchers reports that you
can make better armpit noises if you wet your hand first.
MAY
1. True item: An animal-rights activist reveals that the Navy has a
top-secret project to mount .45-caliber guns on the snouts of trained
dolphins for use against enemy frogmen.
3. The Soviet Union, in a major step toward developing a Western-
style economy, begins producing junk bonds. A Japanese industrialist
pays $117 million for Vincent Van Gogh's undershorts.
7. A pair of armed dolphins escapes from the Navy and holds up a
supermarket, making off with 300 pounds of frozen mullet.
9. The ``multiple personality'' legal defense is ruled to be
constitutional by the Supreme Court, in a 137-76 vote.
14. Congress, despite strong lobbying efforts by the National Rifle
Association, bans private ownership of aircraft carriers.
15. The Coca-Cola Co. introduces a ``MagiCan'' promotion in which
cash and prize certificates will be ejected from special cans, supplied
by a NASA contractor.
16. Jim Henson goes to the Big Lily Pad in the Sky.
17. The Coca-Cola Co. hastily cancels the ``MagiCan'' promotion after
several cans eject prizes at upwards of 200 miles per hour.
18. Arkansas and Texas are ravaged by the worst floods in decades,
prompting a concerned R.J. Reynolds Co. to introduce a new cigarette,
``Torrent.''
22. In a move with ominous implications, the Iraqi army buys up the
entire stock of unused Coke MagiCans.
26. In a shocking season finale to the popular TV series ``Twin
Peaks,'' viewers learn that Laura Palmer was killed by Bart Simpson.
29. In Kentucky, a cat equipped with a laser cannon escapes from a
top secret U.S. Army research facility and destroys an estimated $3
million worth of furniture legs before being felled by a squad of
missile-equipped Labrador retrievers.
30. The Bush administration renews China's preferential trade status
after the Chinese government, responding to criticism of its human-
rights policies, agrees to shoot civilians with a smaller caliber of
bullet.
JUNE
1. Mikhail Gorbachev arrives in Washington, D.C., for summit talks
and, in a welcoming ceremony hosted by Mayor Marion Barry, is given the
Kilo To The City.
3. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
all U.S. citizens to get scorpions tattooed on their butts.
5. Resolving a complex case in which seven couples are claiming
custody of a child resulting from an artificially inseminated egg that
was a frozen embryo through four divorces and was incubated in two
surrogate mothers, a judge rules that the child should be raised by
wolves.
10. True item: A pilot is sucked halfway out of a British Airways jet
at 23,000 feet when a windshield blows out. Crew members cling to his
ankles for 15 minutes while the co-pilot lands the plane safely. In a
major World Cup soccer development, Macaroon defeats the Republic of
Lower Zwit.
11. The British Aviation Administration orders all pilots to be
equipped with ankle handles.
12. A spokesperson for Universal Studios acknowledges that ``a few
bugs need to be ironed out'' of the company's new Orlando theme park
after the King Kong ride, designed by a NASA contractor, eats a Nebraska
woman.
14. Donald Trump, continuing to deny that he is in financial trouble,
sells his hair.
17. A federal judge in Fort Lauderdale rules that 2 Live Crew's
lyrics are obscene and, in an unexpectedly harsh sentence, orders the
group to appear on ``Geraldo'' AND ``Donahue.''
18. In golf, tension and high drama grip the U.S. Open as Hale Irwin
and Mike Donald show up wearing the same pants.
19. True item: The Air Force acknowledges that it paid Pratt &
Whitney $999 apiece for special pliers that install clips on airplanes.
A Pratt spokesperson says: ``They're multipurpose -- not only do they put
the clips on, but they take them off.'' An Air Force spokesperson says:
``Perhaps $999 was a bargain for this item after all.'' These are real
quotes.
25. A shocked President Bush reveals that he has discovered a large
federal budget deficit, and taxes might have to be increased after all.
Everyone is just stunned.
27. NASA begins to suspect that there might be a little problem with
the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope when it starts transmitting
extreme close-up photographs of a sticker that says ``REMOVE THIS
STICKER BEFORE LAUNCHING TELESCOPE.''
30. Japan, under intense pressure from U.S. manufacturers to open its
borders to American products, agrees to purchase 100 million barrels of
acid rain.
JULY
1. NASA, plagued by continued fuel leaks, announces a plan to wrap
the space shuttle Discovery in a 1.5-million-square-foot paper towel. In
World Cup soccer action, Japan defeats everybody by purchasing two goals
in the final minute.
3. Imelda Marcos is cleared of shoplifting charges and tearfully
orders the district attorney shot.
4. True item: President Bush spears his palm while cleaning a fish.
5. The Soviet Communist Party Congress, continuing the movement
toward Western-style democracy, accepts $135,000 from banker Charles
Keating.
7. The Supreme Court rules 9-0 that if it hears another word about
flag-burning, it's going to puke. Vice President In Training Dan Quayle,
attempting to clean a fish, spears the Norwegian ambassador.
9. In the annual Forbes magazine list of the world's wealthiest
individuals, the No. 1 ranking goes to a guy named Bud who knows how to
fix transmissions. Donald Trump fails to make the list, but does appear
in the magazine as part of a Rogaine ad.
10. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named to the
board of directors of the now-insolvent Silverado Savings and Loan
despite not knowing squat about banking.
11. The Air Force pays Pratt & Whitney $2,784 apiece for a
revolutionary light switch that not only turns the light on, but also
turns it off.
16. As a wave of patriotic fervor sweeps the nation, Nebraska becomes
the 27th state to approve a constitutional amendment that would prohibit
Roseanne Barr from singing the national anthem.
17. Exxon announces that the notorious tanker Valdez will return to
service under a new name, the ``Baby Seal.''
19. In Yorba Linda, Calif., thousands gather for the dedication of
the Richard M. Nixon presidential library and birthcave. In a sad day
for baseball, Pete Rose, convicted of failure to pay taxes on gambling
income, is named to the board of directors of the Silverado Savings and
Loan.
20. William Brennan, 84, announces that he is retiring from the
Supreme Court because of lice in his robe.
22. NASA, hoping to salvage the Hubble Space Telescope project,
announces plans to launch Rex, the $1.1 billion Seeing-Eye Satellite.
24. President Bush reveals that his nominee to replace Brennan on the
Supreme Court is: a dweeb.
27. Showing great social awareness, the PGA announces that it will no
longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves.
28. In a news development that receives more publicity than world
hunger, Connie Chung announces that she wishes to become pregnant.
30. Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his
authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George
Steinbrenner fed to weasels. Maury Povich is treated for exhaustion.
31. This would have been a good day to sell your stocks.
AUGUST
1. Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide panic as thousands of
oil-company executives pour into Ferrari dealerships. President Bush,
determined to show that he is not being handcuffed by the crisis,
continues fishing and golfing.
3. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to donate ``at least one
kidney.''
8. A massive multinational buildup gets under way in the Persian
Gulf, with the United States providing troops, ships, planes, weapons
and huge quantities of supplies; Western Europe providing potato salad;
and Japan chipping in with some real nice sun visors.
10. As the rapid U.S. buildup continues, more than 100,000 TV camera
crews arrive in the Persian Gulf to do stories about how hot it is. In a
moving show of support, R.J. Reynolds tobacco introduces a new
cigarette, ``Buildup.'' President Bush, determined to show that he is
not being handcuffed by the crisis, goes skydiving.
12. Responding to the Gulf crisis, the U.N. Security Council, in an
emergency late-night session, orders Thai food.
14. Violence flares on the Saudi desert as camera crews for the
``Today'' show and ``CBS Morning News'' get into a fight over who will
televise Private First Class Buford Hectorman saying ``hi'' to his mom.
President Bush, determined to show that he is not being handcuffed by
the crisis, accepts a role in Police Academy XVI.
16. After a series of embarrassing failures, NASA heaves a sigh of
relief as the space probe Magellan, paying big dividends, sends back
pictures proving that Venus contains rocks.
18. True item: A government audit shows that the U.S. Department of
Veterans Affairs has paid benefits to more than 1,200 deceased persons,
including 100 who had been deceased a decade or more. The department
says it will do something about this.
20. Another True item: Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are
convicted of flying drunk.
21. The Department of Veterans Affairs sends out new forms that
recipients are to fill out and return if they have reason to believe
they are deceased.
23. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named president
of General Motors.
25. In Reno, Nev., members of the rock group Judas Priest go on trial
on charges that their music caused two suicides. Chrysler announces that
it will put air bags on Lee Iacocca.
26. The U.S. Census Bureau launches an intensive, house-by-house
survey of selected neighborhoods in Lima, Peru. The jury in the Judas
Priest trial asks the judge if it can have some cyanide.
30. Saddam Hussein appears on ``Arsenio.''
SEPTEMBER
1. Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are convicted of flying
naked.
4. The Surgeon General releases laboratory test results showing that
people who drink four or more beers per day have a 60 percent higher
chance of getting the joke about the three-legged pig.
7. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named admiral of
the U.S. Seventh Fleet.
10. The U.S. government accepts delivery of the brand-new, $320
million edition of Air Force One, which was completed nearly two years
late because of problems with the horseshoe pit.
14. Concern is once again focused on the quality of American schools
when the U.S. Education secretary releases a report that turns out to
have been copied verbatim from the Interior secretary's report on
offshore drilling.
17. Gen. Michael Dugan, the Air Force's top officer, is fired after
revealing the top-secret, highly sensitive strategic fact that if
there's a war with Iraq, the Air Force would drop bombs on it.
Previously everybody had thought that submarines would be used for this
purpose.
20. In yet another setback for the troubled space program, NASA
acknowledges that Rex, the $1.1 billion seeing-eye satellite, has run
off and made wee-wee on Jupiter.
22. Continuing its dramatic movement toward a Western-style economy,
the Soviet Union decides to become an Amway distributor.
23. The Motion Picture Association of America announces a new movie
rating, C-17MCTEDTPWTL, which means ``Children Under 17 Must Close Their
Eyes During The Part With The Llama.''
24. A Cincinnati art museum and its director go on trial on obscenity
charges after exhibiting a group of U.S. political campaign commercials.
26. Fun-loving U.S. ally China opens the 11th annual Asian Games with
a dramatic ceremony featuring 250 bombers performing the spectacular
Political Dissident Drop.
29. True item: The best-selling nonfiction book in the United States
is ``Millie's Book,'' which was ``dictated'' by the President's dog. The
proceeds are to support literacy. Really.
30. The Vice President's office announces plans to publish ``Dan's
Book.'' Supreme Court nominee David Souter, under close questioning from
the Senate Judiciary Committee, reveals that his favorite dance is ``The
Gator.''
OCTOBER
1. True item: The Goodyear blimp is forced to land after being
attacked and punctured by a radio-controlled airplane.
2. President Bush compares Saddam Hussein to broccoli.
3. After 45 bitter years of separation, East and West Germany unite
to form a single nation, chastened by the past, hopeful for the future.
4. Germany invades Poland.
5. Oprah Winfrey, fueling rumors that she has regained much of the
weight she lost in last year's much-publicized diet, is attacked by a
radio-controlled airplane. The Florida Lottery jackpot reaches a record
$785 hillion jillion bazillion.
7. Washington rejoices as top federal brains finally produce a
federal budget package, although critics question some of the revenue
assumptions, such as that government scientists will develop a method
for turning ketchup into gold. President Bush states that he is ``very
happy'' with the budget package, adding that he is ``strongly opposed''
to it.
10. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every man, woman and child in the United States to watch every episode
ever made of ``The Love Boat.''
12. Congress fails to approve the budget package, forcing the
government to close down, and creating the specter that federal checks
will not be mailed to millions of needy, fearful, dependent savings-and-
loan institutions.
14. The eyes of the international chess community focus on New York
City, where Soviet-born chess champion Garry Kasparov prepares for what
is expected to be another classic match against James ``Buster''
Douglas.
15. True item: An aide to Sen. Claiborne Pell claims that he and some
psychologists spent hours listening to tapes of President Bush's
speeches played backward, and detected the word ``Simone.'' The aide
notifies the Defense Department, ``in case it is a code word that would
not be in the national interest to be known.''
16. Defense Department security experts, just making sure, listen to
all of Vice President Quayle's speeches backward, and conclude that they
make ``a lot more sense.''
17. NASA, declaring that the Hubble mission may not be such a
disaster after all, reveals that the orbiting telescope has sent back
photographs confirming astronomers' suspicions that the moon is ``shaped
like a big ball.'' In the continuing federal budget crisis, President
Bush says he opposes higher taxes.
19. In championship chess action, the opening match ends in a draw
when Garry Kasparov attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to see the
wily James ``Buster'' Douglas lunge across the table and grab both of
the champion's Ring Dings. In the continuing federal budget crisis,
President Bush says he favors higher taxes.
20. Mikhail Gorbachev wins the Nobel Prize for Best Bald Male Vocal.
President Bush agrees to debate himself on taxes.
21. True item: The House of Representatives, in its ongoing battle to
reduce the pesky federal budget deficit, approves a farm bill that
includes $500,000 to make a tourist attraction out of Lawrence Welk's
childhood home.
22. In an impressive performance, President Bush trounces himself in
the tax debate by pointing out that ``You're no Walter Mondale.''
23. In a move widely hailed by ecologists, McDonald's announces that
it will start using biodegradable hamburgers. The Florida Lottery
jackpot now includes all of the commercial property in the United States
east of the Mississippi River.
26. Mikhail Gorbachev is forced to return the Nobel Prize when the
Nobel Committee learns that he was lip-syncing.
30. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named king of
Spain.
NOVEMBER
1. The College Board, responding to complaints that the SAT tests are
culturally biased, announces that test-takers will no longer be required
to identify Barry Manilow as ``The King of Soul.''
2. In the worsening savings-and-loan crisis, experts announce that,
because of newly discovered problems, cleaning up the mess will require
every citizen of the United States to become the personal love slave of
a man named ``Snake.''
2. Drug Czar William Bennett resigns after a routine airport security
check reveals that his briefcase is full of toads.
4. Mary Martin dies and ascends to heaven on clearly visible wires.
5. Felix Bloch, a high-ranking veteran of the U.S. Foreign Service
suspected of illegal contacts with Soviet espionage agents, is struck by
a falling U.S. spy satellite.
6. In midterm elections, the voters, clearly fed up with the
incompetence, corruption and rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents, re-
elect them.
8. President Bush, reinforcing the American commitment to remain in
the Persian Gulf until the job is done, orders an additional 250,000
high-level White House aides to come up with the real reason that we are
there.
9. Over the heated objections of Manuel Noriega's attorneys, CNN
broadcasts a tape of the deposed Panamanian strongperson performing ``My
Way.''
11. The Senate Committee learns that the ``Keating Five'' owes more
than $17 million in library fines.
13. In the CNN-Noriega tape dispute, the Supreme Court shocks First
Amendment advocates by ruling that the deposed Panamanian strongperson
was lip-syncing.
23. In a historic summit agreement that eliminates the last
irritating remnant of the Cold War, George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev
sign a treaty under which the two sides will jointly execute comedian
Yakov Smirnov. Best Western stocks soar.
27. Margaret Thatcher resigns as British prime minister following
published reports that her hair is made out of fiberglass. Britain forms
an entirely new government in roughly the amount of time it takes the U.
S. Congress to declare National Celery Month.
28. The ex-press secretary to Barbara Bush reveals that ``Millie's
Book'' was actually dictated by a ghost dog named Booger.
DECEMBER
1. The U.S. Commerce Department, denying claims by some economists
that the nation has entered a recession, quietly sells its furniture.
2. The Soviet Union, in yet another major step toward developing a
Western-style economy, opens a savings-and-loan institution.
9. In the ongoing deficit-reduction effort, Congress approves $13.1
million to build a tourist attraction at the birthplace of Led Zeppelin,
including a 190-foot-tall Codpiece Tower.
7. The U.S. space program suffers yet another setback when the Hubble
Orbiting Space Telescope is rammed by the Exxon tanker ``Baby Seal,''
which is off course by an estimated 275 vertical miles.
10. Romania, taking its first tentative steps toward Western-style
democracy, broadcasts the Willie Horton ad. In Washington, the ``Keating
Five'' are arrested for jaywalking.
12. In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British fans easily defeat the
Belgian Army.
14. Three former Northwest Airlines pilots are convicted of flying
with an unauthorized sheep in the cockpit. The president of Chile,
visiting the United States, buys an anatomically correct statuette of
Dan Quayle.
18. The Soviets, lacking the know-how necessary to operate a modern,
Western-style economy, announce that their savings and loan is making
money. On Wall Street, stocks drop 12 points after large investors
discover funny spots on their underwear.
21. In a weapons deal that could upset the balance of power in the
Mideast, France agrees to sell $175 million worth of rocks to
Palestinian youths.
23. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George
Bush's son has anything to do with the fact that he is named ``Neil
Bush.''
25. In a holiday-season ``fairy tale come true'' that warms the
hearts of people everywhere, Manuel Noriega wins the Florida lottery.
27. Calvin Klein develops a new fragrance, called ``Scumbag,''
designed specifically to be marketed to executives of the R.J. Reynolds
Tobacco Co. The ``Keating Five'' rob a liquor store.
30. The Magellan space probe sends back photographs proving that the
surface of Venus has a number of U.S. census takers.
31. Experts inform a Senate committee that, because of newly
discovered problems, cleaning up the savings-and-loan mess will now
require the obliteration of all life on the planet. So there is a silver
lining after all. And you have yourself a Happy New Year.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Jan 91 09:58:09 EST
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu
Subject: Definite Yuck (yeuch?)
To: spaf
Blacksburg, Va. -- Sheriff's deputies rushed in with guns drawn in
response to a series of 911 calls but found they had been summoned
by a tomato.
A Montgomery County dispatcher had traced the calls to the home of
Linda and Danny Hurst. The Hursts were not home, so police figured
someone might have broken in. Danny Hurst later found an overripe
tomato in a hanging basket, dripping tomato juice onto a telephone-
answering machine below. Police think the juice from the distressed
tomato shorted out the machine's dialing system, causing it to call
the emergency line.
"It just burst," said a deputy. "Then it called us. I guess it
needed help ... or needed cleaning up."
Reprinted without permission
December 30th _Parade_ magazine (from UPI)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Dec 90 04:40:20 -0500
From: "Claudia Cloutier" <cmc@beach.cis.ufl.edu>
Subject: R U a Redneck?
To: spaf
You might be a Redneck if.....
Your richest relative buys a new house, and you have to help take the
wheels off of it.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
Your family tree does not fork.
------------------------------
From: a yuckster
Subject: Sweet job
MIT Engineers Tackle M&M Coats
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (AP)
Not all engineering students design brighter laser beams or more
efficient computer chips. Four MIT undergraduates are looking for
ways to build a better M&M.
The semester-long quest by the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology students began with a shipment of 1,500 pounds of "naked"
M&Ms. Their mission: to find a quicker and cheaper way to make the
50-year-old confection melt in your mouth and not in your hand.
One student, senior Joseph J. Berghammer of Elm Grove, Wis., said
the would-be engineers reached the same conclusion in their
M&M-coating study.
"They taste real good," he said.
M&M-Mars Co. of Hackettstown, N.J., donated the chocolate pieces,
green dye, and a scaled-down version of a mixer used to make the
candy coating for the class project.
For months, the MIT Chemical Engineering Laboratory was covered
with the chocolate centers, which were lightly dusted with powdered
sugar to keep them from sticking together.
The students devised what they thought would be a faster, more
economical way to coat the candy, then experimented with their
samples.
The results weren't all academic.
"All of us gained weight during this thing," said Professor
Jeffrey L. Feerer, who oversaw the students' work.
The goal of the class, Feerer said recently, was to teach students
how to apply theory to the practical problems of industry. The four
students earned As for their work, Feerer said.
"Finally, the things we've studied in textbooks for three years
can actually apply to the real world," Berghammer said. His group
also included junior Neelan Choksi of Corpus Christi, Texas; junior
Jeffrey Falkowski of New York City; and senior Ashley K. Shih of
Wichita Falls, Texas.
Feerer said he could not discuss what exactly goes into the
coating process, or what the students discovered.
"I don't think M&M's would like us giving away their secrets,"
Feerer said.
M&M-Mars, which makes 200 million M&Ms per day, often supports
research projects at universities across the country, said company
spokesman Hans Fiuczynski.
In addition, he said, the company is always trying to get the best
and the brightest students to consider working in the food industry.
"They all see themselves in computers. But the food industry has
tremendous engineering prospects," he said.
Besides giving the four undergraduates a focus for their academic
studies, the project also benefited other students at MIT. At the end
of the semester, the M&Ms from the project were given away.
"After we coated the M&M's, we had all these green M&M's all over
the lab, so we essentially told all the people at MIT to come in and
get 'em," Feerer said, adding that some were also donated to
charities in Cambridge.
"I would come in the morning and there would be five or six
students waiting outside the door to get some. This lasted for about
three days," Feerer said.
[Hmmm, I wonder if the Mars company needs any computer research done?]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
******************************