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Yucks Digest V8 #17
Yucks Digest Tue, 24 Nov 98 Volume 8 : Issue 17
Today's Topics:
"Shut up, Wesley"!
[scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP
AOL
A True Role Model
Enemy Tryouts (from TAD)
Feghoot the Exorcist
For Yucks
FW: HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
F Y I !
How to cook Thanksgiving turkey
Microsoft changes the name of NT 5.0
Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Ruminations
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Superglue Product - Rectite
The Woodcarver and the Rabbit (Pun)
Tool Time humor
Top5 - 11/24/98 - Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
Top Tips
Windows 2000
Windows 2000 error messages
Yucks Digest V8 #16
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 16:05:02 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: "Shut up, Wesley"!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: Marc Abrahams <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
1998-09-06 Impenetrable Penetration
This month's entry in the Sentence of Death Contest was submitted
by investigator Dave P. Hammer. It can be found in a requirements
document (F33615-84-C-0102) for Electronic Warfare equipment,
i.e., "radar jammers":
In addition to determining the incremental improvement
to penetrativity of the penetrator with the penetration
aid incorporated, over the penetrativity of the baseline
U.S. penetrator, this assessment shall include
consideration of penetration aid costs as described
under task 1, availability, penetrator modifications
required, and technical risk.
Hammer writes, "One would think that with all this penetration
going on, *somebody* should be having some fun."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 22:28:22 -0500
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: [scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: scream_of_the_crop@egroups.com
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask
you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you
think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is
still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12
beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal
tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man
gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young
guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older
men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without
looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not
true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible
shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another
clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are
an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the
two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you
will probably be the last to know...
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you
when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you
up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the
phone, for you to call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut
Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get
any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they
have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear
underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a
strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that
they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with
you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to
grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to
screw you too.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on
an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 19:02:12 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: AOL
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
IF AOL WERE A CITY...
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were
h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to
leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by
slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems
for only $399.99
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to
leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special
offers, promotions and discounts from www.BS-R-US.com
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of
those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form
letter saying how you "really are important you are to us."
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his
worthless company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with porn, and this
business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently
scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! while anonymous callers called your cell phone
saying "Wanna do it"
Those that didn't do that would call you and say "Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from
the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records.
Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced
to evict you and your family."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer
screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE!"
Even your three-year-old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling
you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really
the Earth's fault.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd
foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the crap
out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, bonehead. ROFLMAO LOL!!"
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd
wind up studying one-handed typing and annoying acronyms.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would
move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before
sun-up.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in
the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the
kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down
the swings and beating the crap out of kids currently playing there. Note:
Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot
get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but
would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO
WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no." The voice then
replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW."
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches,
commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land
called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
Ms Kitty <mskitty@katscratch.com>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 21:40:22 -0700
From: Tom Reid <treid@primenet.com>
Subject: A True Role Model
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
LA Times - June 1 1998
In California, more than 600 soon-to-be lawyers were taking the State
Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center when a 50 year old man
taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test
takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They
administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.
Citing
policy,the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to
make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun,
the state Bar's senior executive for admissions, backed the decision
stating "If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson
about priorities."
[Darn right. I bet they didn't even bill him for time & expense! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 10:43:30 PST
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Enemy Tryouts (from TAD)
To: spaf
State Department to Hold Enemy Tryouts
WASHINGTON, DC--Taking steps to fill the void that has plagued
the American military-industrial complex since the 1991 collapse
of the Soviet Union, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright
announced Tuesday that the U.S. will hold enemy tryouts next
week.
Slated to begin Oct. 26, the tryouts will take place at the
Pentagon. More than 40 nations are expected to vie for the role
of U.S. adversary, including India, Afghanistan, China, North
Korea, and Sudan. "Over the past seven years, the State
Department, working closely with the CIA, Congress, and the
President, has made efforts to establish a long term state of
hostility with a foreign power of consequence," Albright said.
"Unfortunately, these efforts have proven unfruitful. If we are
to find a new Evil Empire, we must start taking a more proactive
approach." Though tryouts are not until next week, Albright said
the State Department has already received a number of impressive
preliminary proposals.
"We met with the Syrian representative yesterday, and he promised
that Syria would house terrorist enemies of the U.S. and
stockpile chemical weapons near the Israeli border," Albright
said. "We've also gotten an unexpectedly strong proposal from
the Kazakhstani delegation, which says they have four of Russia's
missing nuclear missiles and will use them against the U.S.
unless we release 450 Kazakhstani Muslim extremists currently
held in Western prisons. That was certainly a pleasant
surprise."
The decision to hold enemy auditions was made during an Oct. 16
meeting at the Pentagon attended by a number of top
military-industrial-complex officials, including Albright,
Defense Secretary William Cohen, the Joint Chiefs of Staff,
Senate Armed Services Committee Chair Strom Thurmond (R-SC), and
Lockheed Martin CEO Thomas Reuthven.
"Everyone was of the opinion that an enemy was needed -- and
fast," said Reuthven, whose company has laid off 14,000 employees
since the end of the Cold War. "Nobody wins when there's peace."
General Electric CEO Jack Welch, who was also at the meeting,
agreed. "Our profits are down 43 percent from 10 years ago. We
sold more tritium hydrogen-bomb ICBM/MIRV triggers in 1988 than
in the last six years combined," he said. "Something had to be
done."
Once the tryouts conclude, Albright said, the State Department
will spend a week evaluating the proposals before announcing its
choice on Nov. 9.
The new U.S. enemy will be formally anointed in a special
treaty-breaking ceremony, in which President Clinton and the
leader of the rival nation will sever diplomatic ties with the
ceremonial burning of 1,000 doves. Since the end of the Cold
War, potential new U.S. enemies have emerged several times, but
in each instance, hopes were inevitably dashed by peace.
Most promising among the candidates was Iraq, which briefly went
to war against the U.S., but a truce was declared before a deep
and lasting enmity could take root.
Tuesday's announcement was hailed by leaders of numerous U.S.
institutions, including the motion-picture industry, whose action
films have suffered from the absence of a global antagonist.
"Hopefully, there will be an enemy soon," Paramount Pictures
vice-president of development Mort Glazer said. "During the past
few years, in the absence of a Soviet Union or a Nazi Germany,
Hollywood has been forced to pit American heroes against
uncompelling enemies like the IRA. A $250 million-grossing film
like Rambo or Top Gun is simply not possible in today's climate
of global detente."
The lack of a clearly identifiable foreign nemesis has taken a
toll on the American populace, as well: In the years since the
fall of the Soviet Union, Americans have been forced to find
other outlets for their deepest insecurities and fears. "Without
an outward threat like the USSR, Americans have had to channel
their anxieties about life into a wide range of other, less
concrete things, including space aliens, drinking water,
sexuality and our own government," psychotherapist Dr. Eli
Wasserbaum said. "If a new national enemy is not found soon, the
trend will only worsen."
Speaking to reporters, McDonnell Douglas CEO Richard Klingbell
said the State Department should have foreseen the possibility of
peace and taken steps to avoid it years ago.
"For decades, we took Soviet aggression and the arms race for
granted," Klingbell said. "We failed to realize that one day it
might all come to an end. We failed to sow the seeds of future
foreign discord, for our children's sake. Thankfully, though,
we're finally setting things straight. We're finally remembering
that to make it in this world, you've got to have enemies."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998 19:41:17 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Feghoot the Exorcist
To: kegel@fea.net
The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meeting house one
evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping a brandy while leaning
gingerly against the fireplace mantel. "Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir
Roger, "Back so soon from the Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all
about it."
Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie old boy. But, yes,
my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet,
the roof of the world, shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."
"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," asked Sir Thomas.
"Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Or perhaps on the trail of the
Abominable Snowman?"
"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," replied Ferdinand, "But, no, I
was invited to help exorcize an abandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama
Mipham was allowed to restore a long unused temple by the Chinese
government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further
extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for
his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures
stored therein would help prevent the further loss of their traditions.
"But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple, at being
physically attacked!"
"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, prying loose rubies as big
as your fist, that were used as third-eye ornaments in enormous idols?"
"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghoot explained. "He could deal
with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the
faith. Dakinis."
"Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief.
"Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of all sizes, skin
colors, some with animal heads, each armed with a mystical weapon that
produces very real physical damage."
"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund,
"You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."
Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down for quite a while,
I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty
three-sided dagger called a 'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."
"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.
"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed,
dark green Dakini with a head-chopping sword gave an ear-shattering shriek.
Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.
"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an
arm-binding noose over us, but as she drew us forward I stabbed her with the
'purba,' and she vanished.
"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every
pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at Lama Mipham, but he ducked, and
countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."
"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.
"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were
dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham and I vanquished every one of them,
although one of diminutive size (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue
managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy."
Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."
Feghoot nodded. . . . "She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow,
poke-a-butt Dakini." (ByAdam E. Ek based on a character by Reginald Bretner)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 21:11:09 -0700
From: Tom Reid <treid@primenet.com>
Subject: For Yucks
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
>From: qarnos@ozemail.com.au (QarnoS)
>
>NASA's J-Tack website offers this interesting take on Java on the version
info
>page (http://liftoff.msfc.nasa.gov/realtime/jtrack/version.html):
>
>"JAVA truly is the great equalizing software. It
>has reduced all computers to mediocrity and
>buggyness."
------------------------------
Date: 24 Nov 1998 12:51:30 -0600
From: alfred@GlobeSet.com (Alfred J Correira)
Subject: FW: HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
> > HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
> >
> > 1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
> >
> > 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
> > Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective
> > if your boss is of a different gender than you.
> >
> > 3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
> > these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "Looks your over budget
> > again, Hot Rod."
> >
> > 4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what
> > you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me I'll be in the
> > bathroom."
> >
> > 5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much
> > since you did this.
> >
> > 6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid.
> > Call everyone Madge.
> >
> > 7. Hand mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get
> > coffee, slap yourself randomly the whole time.
> >
> > 8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people
> > you're waiting for your document.
> >
> > 9. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they
> > want fries with that.
> >
> > 10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself in an intellectual debate.
> > Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
> >
> > 11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
> > chair dancing.
> >
> > 12. Walk around all day muttering "The horror, the horror"
> >
> > 13. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN"
> >
> > 14. Feign a profound fear of paper.
> >
> > 15. Whenever a coworker refers to you by name, act very suspicious and
> > uneasy, and say "How do you know my name?"
> >
> > 16. Secretly put decaf in the regular coffee pot for 3 weeks, then
> > switch to espresso.
[I've tried of these. This is why they want to give me an office in
another building. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 10:33:05 -0500
From: dahl.gerberick@us.pwcglobal.com
Subject: F Y I !
To: spaf
A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she
asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she
buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond,
asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 02:47:15 -0500 (EST)
From: "Mahesh V. Tripunitara" <tripunit@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: How to cook Thanksgiving turkey
To: the-usual-suspects@cs.purdue.edu
Step 1. Go buy a turkey.
Step 2. Take a drink of whiskey (single-malt scotch, preferably)
Step 3. Put turkey in the oven.
Step 4. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5. Set the degree at 375 ovens.
Step 6. Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7. Turn oven on
Step 8. Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9. Turk the bastey
Step 10. Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12. Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
Step 14. Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
Step 16. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17. Turk the carvey
Step 18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Step 19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 02 Nov 1998 10:59:49 -0800
From: Bryn Dole <dole@rt.com>
Subject: Microsoft changes the name of NT 5.0
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
The new name is "BlueScreen 2000."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 10:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Tom Coulter <tcoulter@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Alan Dornian (adornian@novatel.ca)
>From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
Church, labeled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
>From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office
return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
>From The Times:
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth,
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
>From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialing an
0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller
was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do
jobs around the house.Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into
the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved."'
>From The Barnsley Chronicle:
'Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips
from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul
Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the
garden, had dialled 999. What Mr Finch did not know was that Mr Melchett
had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed
out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett
had been unable to get his leg over.'
>From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000
Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket,
but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be
training them for new positions in hotels."
>From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that
'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective
in the Police Farce."
>From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old
Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank
Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close his
account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by
cheque, made out in his new name.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1998 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Alex Bischoff <abischof@vt.edu>
If Men REALLY Ruled the World...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she
would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got spectacularly hammered last night," would be
an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "Public
Ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain
exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 20:25:51 -0800
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
Sometimes at work, I think to myself, "If shit were camouflage, I'd be
invisible right now." --David Huddle
I strongly believe that if you set a bunch of monkeys in front of
typewriters for a long time, they wouldn't type all of the classics. They
would probably just type a bunch of books about monkeys. --Chris Malysiak
Every once in awhile I'll get up and groggily look in the mirror, barely
able to recognize myself under all the makeup and the bleached hair. Then
I realize I'm just looking at my David Bowie poster again. --Rian
Rutherford
I can't believe some of the cool secret gadgets my new car has. Why, with
just a flick of a button on the mirror, I can get all the cars behind me to
dim their lights. --Spud Anderson
When I get an email chain letter, I forward a copy to all my friends
telling them not to participate. Just one of the ways I'm helping reduce
Internet traffic. --Matt Diamond
The greater the number of multiple personalities one has, the greater the
chance that one of the less responsible ones won't pull his or her weight
with the household chores. --Chuck Smith
I guess my first mistake was buying that stupid inflatable 747 for the
kids. But how was I to know my 5-year-old would tell the stewardess,
"Daddy says he's going to blow up our airplane!"? --Zev Farkas
I think if you were ever tunneling through the earth and happened upon a
giant groundhog with a pickaxe, you should run because, hey, you're on
*his* turf now. --Dan Flippo
Lucky for us that snot doesn't smell bad, or we'd walk around all day
going, "Jeez, what *is* that? Ewwww." --H.G. MacLure
Sometimes i think to myself: "How can i be a better women? How can i be a
better mother? How can i be a better wife?" Then I snap out of my
daydream and realize i'm peeing on the seat again. --John Jose'
It surely must have been decided in the early days of magic to pull the
rabbit out of the hat, instead of vice-versa, because with a hat you don't
waste time deciding on an aperture. --Jim Lockwood
When I hit my thumb with a hammer, dang it, I'm gonna cry. I'm secure
enough in my manhood that I don't care if they kick me out of the tree
house for it. --Brian Auten
If I ever get plastic surgery, I want to have a head like a fish with two
great big eyes on each side. Once people see how effortlessly I change
lanes in rush hour traffic, I'm pretty sure it will catch on. --David
James
I'd hate to be the person on the operating table when Doogie Howser's
pent-up frustration at being allowed to amputate a leg but not to buy a
6-pack of beer surfaces. --Rian Rutherford
I think one of the best advances they could make in the space program would
be to equip the space shuttle with a speaker that would play the opening
theme to "Star Trek" every time they take off. Then they'd have to take us
seriously. --Craig Stacey
You can kill a fly by hitting it with a newspaper. But you can't do that
with a tiger, unless you hit it really hard, for a really long time.
--Graham Morgan
As I gaze at the fervent sun smiling down at me from the heavens above I
think to myself, "Geez, where's the sunscreen when you need it?" --Kim
Overbeck
So many things in this world seem to be something that they are not. But
not right now. --Jay Allen
Life is like a box of chocolates. Some bastard always steals the ones you
like. --Adam JI Rakich
Sometimes, I feel like smacking myself for being so stupid. Then I realize
that would be kinda dumb. --Amber Stockham
I think the best movie ever made is "White Men Can't Jump" because it
teaches a valuable moral lesson, and it has Wesley Snipes *AND* Woody
Harrelson. --Craig Stacey
God WAS my co-pilot, until we crashed in the Andes. Then I had to eat him.
--Jeff Moore
Sometimes when I see my name in "Ruminations" I think of all the people I
work with who don't really know me. I wonder if they're reading my name
and thinking, "Man, Lee is really a loser." --Lee Entrekin
I bet Zamboni drivers pay a lot for automobile insurance, since they always
seem to be driving in icy conditions. --Paul Paternoster
I think a neat addition to the Swiss Army Knife would be a Swiss Army Lava
Lamp. That way, if you're lost in the wilderness, there's instant
entertainment. --Rian Rutherford
I don't know about you, but if I ever saw a man sitting on a park bench
with snot runnin down his nose, I certainly wouldn't write a song about it.
--Kathleen Oyanadel
Dad always promised me that when I turned 12 he would take me flying. So
on my 12th birthday, Dad put on his blue tights and red cape and took me to
the roof of a tall building and jumped. I guess Dad didn't really know how
to fly. --Anna Chin-Williams
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the
rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
--Brian Auten
I once ran backwards for an entire day, in order to see if I could single
handedly mess up the space-time continuim, but all I did was trip over
stuff a lot. --Marshall Seligmann
They say that every rose must have its thorns, but I think that a better
idea would be velcro. --Kathleen Buchanon
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses of teeming -- hey, no
fair! How come you get all the good ones?! --Matt Diamond
It's a good thing the guy in charge of naming galaxies was into chocolate
bars and not Chinese food. Otherwise, the Milky Way might have been named
Moo Goo Gui Pan, and who wants to have to learn about that? --Paul
Paternoster
Now that summer is over, I long for the warm sunny days playing Frisbee
with my dog, and I think, "Man I should probably get him off the neighbors
roof now." --Wes Nessmann
If I were a fly on the wall, I bet it would be much harder for the police
to slap on the handcuffs next time. --Michael Hayward
If aliens ever come to earth, and you're the first person they see, just
say, 'Okjulz.' I have a feeling it means something. --Adam D. Ashe
Sometimes the voices in my head tell me to do bad things. Other times they
just say, "Man, these fries would be good with ketchup!" --Wes Nessmann
If men were women and women were men, I think we'd probably all still keep
trying to have sex with each other. --John Jose'
I really enjoy singing in the shower -- until the homeowner tells me to
shut the hell up and finish caulking the damn thing. --Mariano Arguedas
[ Ruminations is a Top5 publication ]
[ Copyright 1998, Chris White ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1998 16:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: "Alex Reith" <Alex@snew.com>
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.
Fortissimoe:
The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps
the faces of the first-violin section.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist:
A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as
your septic tank.
Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
Contratemps:
The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Coiterie:
A very VERY close-knit group.
Whitetater:
A political hot potato.
Impotience:
Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
Taterfamilias:
The head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine:
A magazine for executioners.
Suckotash:
A dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Burglesque:
A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon:
it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
Glibido:
All talk and no action.
Antifun gal:
A prude.
Vaseball:
A game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch:
The pain of castration.
Hindkerchief:
Really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Deifenestration:
To throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: The area around 14th street.
Acme: A generic skin disease.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
Hindprint:
Indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Newtspaper:
The Washington Times.
Nazigator:
An overbearing member of your carpool.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 98 00:54:15 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Superglue Product - Rectite
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
[Squeamish poultry may not want to read this item... -psl]
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Excerpted-from: http://www.envirolink.org/orgs/upc/sglue.html
Superglue Advocated for Preventing Fecal Leakage in Poultry
Food Chemical News April 24, 1995, p. 12: "Robert Cook, a consultant from
Alexandria, VA, complained that processes exist that would allow the
industry to improve the safety of its products, but that the regulatory
agencies, governed by laws written generations ago, have not yet approved
them. As an example, he talked about using Superglue to seal the vents on
poultry before slaughter to prevent the birds from reflexively excreting
fecal material at the time of death...."
Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, Ontario, CA, May 16, 1995: Jim Munn, president
of Pacer Technology, Rancho Cucamonga, CA has been trying since 1992 to get
government agencies to approve his company's superglue product "Rectite"
for use in gluing shut the rectal cavities of turkeys and chickens to
prevent fecal matter from contaminating meat and cut down on the number of
birds required to be re-processed and re-inspected.
[Talk about a growth industry! Remember, when you make your first million
on the Rectite market, you heard about it on Fun_People first. Golly...
I wonder if hospitals will start using Rectite, too... -psl]
[Actually, I think there may be a market for this during final exams
and theses defenses I administer. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1998 12:17:43 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: The Woodcarver and the Rabbit (Pun)
To: kegel@fea.net
This the story of a woodcarver who lived in a house in a forest with a
rabbit and a housemaid. Among the duties of the housemaid was to dress
the rabbit each morning as he was unable to dress himself.
One day, after they had had their breakfast and the rabbit was dressed,
the rabbit and the woodcarver went out into the forest to find wood that
would be suitable for carving. They soon found what they agreed was a
wonderful piece of wood just perfect for a wood sculpture.
Unfortunately, they couldn't agree on what to carve. The woodcarver
wanted to carve a mother sheep feeding her lambs. The rabbit wanted to
see the piece become a wooden Dutch shoe.
Finally, they agreed to let the housemaid decide, so they went back to
the cottage and explained their problem. The housemaid decided to flip a
coin: Heads would mean that the woodcarver would carve the sheep, tails
would mean that the shoe would win.
You can imagine the suspense when she flicked up the coin, caught it
and peeked. . . . Wood ewe or wooden shoe? Only the haredresser knew
for sure.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Tool Time humor
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Robert Tarrall <tarrall@solarz.Colorado.EDU>
Forwarded-by: Wade Turner <a-wadet@MICROSOFT.com>
Forwarded-by: Guy Burnham <guy@hpdmmbk.boi.hp.com>
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake
line that goes to the rear axle.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage
cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer
(What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember
to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort
Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems
from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling
Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Django Reinhardt".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you
have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng
the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup
on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
SENCO STAPLE GUN: Normally used to put extra ventilation holes in your
air hoses, but sometimes used to nail either shingles or maybe even the
sole of your boot to the roof.
AIR HOSE: Normally used to expedite getting down off a roof when stepping
on it. Particularly useful on a steep roof. Sometime used in conjunction
with a nozzle to blow sawdust off your sandwich.
SHINGLING AX: A great tool for making two extension cords out of one. A
great source of a pyrotechnique display, particularly if you are fond of
blue flames. This tool is good for cutting a sandwich in half to share
with a co-worker.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 16:14:27
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 11/24/98 - Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
13> As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in
the wind whispers, "Dammit!"
12> Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got
your syrup right here!"
11> After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare
Company, the only acting gig you can land is as "Dead
Crack Ho" in a UPN movie of the week.
10> Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for
schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.
9> That's too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.
8> The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just
COMPLETELY unacceptable!
7> Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.
6> You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike
Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.
5> You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get in
the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.
4> Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train."
Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive
is definitely beatable."
3> Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of
Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.
2> Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank
the monkey.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You...
1> On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let her
do it. No one will ever know!" From the other shoulder,
you hear, "That's right, Tubby -- and besides, you're the
President!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Jul 1998 23:37:49 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Top Tips
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
TOP TIPS (NOT BY MARTHA STEWART)
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves
the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for
shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding
an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving
across the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow
you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by
will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the
subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2
days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread
knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst
in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and
locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell
you're going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a
drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front
window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in
the garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which
items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop,
then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give
twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by
simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative,
but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails
will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a
red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
IF A SMALL CHILD is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
HOUSEWIVES: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom
in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of
the road every time you have a minor accident.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars for giants.
INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
MAKE your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.
GIRLS. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.
INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in
the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a
guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women
in bikinis.
NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well
as fun-sized ones for giants.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This
would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name
plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the
job.
Ms Kitty <mskitty@katscratch.com>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 17:52:15 -0800 (PST)
From: Brian Kantor <brian@karoshi.ucsd.edu>
Subject: Windows 2000
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
[heard on the net, author unknown]
"Microsoft has titled its next release ``Windows 2000'', in celebration
of the two biggest disasters in the history of computing."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 16:22:33 +0000
From: Frank Wales <frank@limitless.co.uk>
Subject: Windows 2000 error messages
To: N Etagere <netagere@limitless.co.uk>
(via a friend, as usual)
> Windows 2000 Error Messages
>
> The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under
> consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
>
> 1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
>
> 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
>
> 3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
>
> 4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
>
> 5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
> game?
>
> 6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
>
> 7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please
> log off."
>
> 8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
>
> 9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
>
> 10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
>
> 11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
>
> 12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
>
> 13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
>
> 14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
>
> 15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
>
> 16. User Error: Replace user.
>
> 17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
>
> 18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
> have been deleted. The police are on the way.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1998 18:36:03 -0800
From: Karl Auerbach <karl@cavebear.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V8 #16
To: Yucks@cs.purdue.edu
Another title for Monica L's book about her and Clinton:
"The Long and the Short of It"
--karl--
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------