[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V8 #16
Yucks Digest Sat, 21 Nov 98 Volume 8 : Issue 16
Today's Topics:
"voodoo crap"?
(Fwd) Fwd: Lil Stormy
11/9/98 - The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
[Fwd: I think Santa is a woman]
Adopt an NBA Player [Retelling the Classics]
A visit to the OB/GYN
Bad day at the orifice. (ULoTD)
Best results will be obtained when pigeons are launched...
Didn't "War of the Worlds" start out like this?
Clinton and Gore
Copywrite Explained (Puns)
Daisy Duke Screen Saver
Darwin Awards, A late breaking entry.
Enquiring minds and all that rot.
Guffaws #355
Happy New Year in Club Gig Land
have you seen miss green?
long names
Microsoft branching out (from Irwin G.)
Mint jelly or cranberry sauce?
NFL Football
Occupational Descriptions
Possible titles to Monica's new book
Quips & Quips
Real Fake
Thanksgiving (2 msgs)
Thanksgiving Turkey
the real silicon valley experience
Top 10 Summer Camps
Top5 - 11/10/98 - Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"
Top5 - 11/11/98 - Changes at Microsoft
Top5 - 11/12/98 - True-Life Horror Movies
Windows announcement
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
** Note that material in the Yucks Digest may contain offensive words,
may be considered politically incorrect, present partisan political
views, and/or question established authority. If you are afraid of any
of these side-effects, then unsubscribe. This list is not for the
humor-impaired or for those who believe speech should be free, but only
for themselves.
Items are printed as submitted. Every attempt is made to keep the
credit for orginal source and stated copyright holder. I assume that
appropriate reprint permission has been obtained by the submitter. If
there is a problem with author credit or copyright, please contact me
immediately. No other copyright is claimed or asserted on submissions.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions should be sent to <yucks@cs.purdue.edu>.
Problems should be addressed to <yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu>.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 09:22:18 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: "voodoo crap"?
To: the-usual-suspects@cs.purdue.edu
*** Fla. candidate alleges voodoo attack
MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida state senator accused a campaign worker
for an opponent of using voodoo to sabotage a ballot recount in their
election race, police said Tuesday. Monday's vote recount confirmed
the candidate making the allegations, Republican state Sen. Alberto
Gutman, won re-election Nov. 3 by 301 votes. While election
supervisors counted the ballots, Gutman called police complaining
someone covered his car with splotches of a thick beige substance.
Gutman described the splotches as "voodoo crap" and accused a
campaign worker for Democratic candidate Agustin Garcia of marring
the car in a ritual aimed at putting a hex on the ballot count. See
http://www.infobeat.com/stories/cgi/story.cgi?id=2557041212-700
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 11:13:32 EST
From: "Gerry White" <gawhite@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu>
Subject: (Fwd) Fwd: Lil Stormy
To: MABURTON@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu, shiggins@naccess.com, marsha-w@uiuc.edu, yucks@cs.purdue.edu
> One day at the end of class little Stormy's teacher had the class
>go home and
> think of a story to tell, and then conclude with the moral of that
>story.
>
> The following day when the teacher asked for the first volunteer
>to tell
> their story, little Lizzybelle raised her hand. "My dad owns a
>farm and every
> Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town
>to sell them
> at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the
>eggs flew out
> of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for themoral
>of the story
> and Lizzybelle replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
>
> Next came Lindsyjo. "Well my dad owns a farm too and
>every weekend
> we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last
>weekend only 8
> of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the
>story and
> Lindsyjo replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
>
> Last was little Stormy. "My Uncle Bob fought in the
>Vietnam War;
> his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
>before it
> crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On
>the way
> down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
>the middle
> of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He
> shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he
>pulled out his
> machete
> and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed
>the last
> ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Stormy and
>asked what
> could possibly be the moral to the story. Stormy replied,,,,,,,,,,
> "Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
>
>==
>Stephanie Lehman
>email: turtle_surf@yahoo.com
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 98 14:58:06 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: 11/9/98 - The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
13> Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics class.
12> Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class tickets for
urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.
11> 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
2) Go to The Gap
3) Buy Trans Am
4) Grow goatee
5) Hire interns.
10> Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"
9> Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's grave.
8> Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make a couple
of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.
7> Dismantle social programs: Done.
Restructure tax laws to further benefit the wealthy: Done.
Have democratically-elected President impeached for getting some: ...Damn!
6> Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.
5> Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.
4> Promote newest book: "Quitting for Dummies"
3> Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.
2> Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.
and Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...
1> Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract with my ass."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 14:29:57 -0500
From: Georgia Conarroe <glc@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: [Fwd: I think Santa is a woman]
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
From: "MICHELE W. BROST" <mwbrost@HOVD-01.HOVDE.PURDUE.EDU>
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 14:24:24 EST
Subject: I think Santa is a woman
I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a
big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough
time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen
in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when
they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves.
(You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt,
but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the
11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet
under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID
have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he
would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then
refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that
there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue.
He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be
seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men.........Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking
ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle
Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these
individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St.
Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace
on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song,"
it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish
she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Adopt an NBA Player [Retelling the Classics]
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the
time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right.
Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or
just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that
weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks --
possibly a whole year -- as a result of the strike. But now you can help!
For about two thousand dollars a day -- that's less than the cost of a
large screen projection TV -- you can help a basketball player remain
economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but
to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation
spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two
thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage
payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will
almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy
that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new
Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player
you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real
estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll
also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he
will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you
will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just
wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your
name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below:
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference
is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a
specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve
player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a
picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my
very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now
to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have
sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited
to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that
the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying
his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions
are not tax-deductible.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998 20:40:59 GMT
From: bertha@mhn.org (That Funky Chick)
Subject: A visit to the OB/GYN
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor
took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the
window.
He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the
doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you
know what I'm doing?
"Yes," she replied, "You're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said,
"You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient
and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," She said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in
the first place."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 12:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Bad day at the orifice. (ULoTD)
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Kevin Dunlap <KevinD@MetaInfo.com>
Forwarded-by: Vanden-Ende
FYI-- The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a Boeing Computer
Systems employee. The letter is going to his sister and he is a
commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I must share this
with the world. Excuse the language and forward as you feel appropriate.
Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this
letter... True story.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first
must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office
lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a
wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and
start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This
is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had
that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless
to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water
stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to
the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were
tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it
up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later
found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose
was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you
have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse
your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope
you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought
will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from
you soon.
Love,
Brian
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1998 08:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Best results will be obtained when pigeons are launched...
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.bell-labs.com
Forwarded-by: bruces@well.com (Bruce Sterling)
Source: War Department Technical Manual TM-11-410, "The Homing Pigeon."
War Department, U. S. Government Printing Office, January 1945
page 58
"36. Delivering Pigeons by Parachute
"a. EQUIPMENT. Parachute equipment PG-100/CB consists of
a collapsible, cylinder-type, 4-bird container and a 6-
foot hemispherical baseball-type parachute with a quick
release clip. Parachute equipment PG-101/CB is of similar
design except that the container has an 8-bird capacity
and is attached to a 9-foot parachute. This equipment is
specifically designed to supply initially or to resupply
pigeons to infantry parachute troops, infantry glider
troops, or any isolated forces requiring delivery of
pigeons by air.
"b. INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE. To insure safe delivery of the
pigeons, caution must be observed when attaching
containers to the parachutes. The instructions printed on
each parachute pack should be strictly adhered to.
"c. RESULTS. Best results will be obtained when pigeons
are launched between the altitudes of 200 and 1,000 feet
with air speed not exceeding 125 miles an hour. Pigeons
launched within these general limits are less likely to
become lost because of excessive drift. The possibility
of injury to the birds from high speed air rushing through
the container, or from shock when the parachute opens,
will be reduced to a minimum."
Bruce Sterling (bruces@well.com)
[PG-100/CB canisters launched at speeds in excess of 175 mph are
hereby reclassified as rations delivery systems. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 12:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Didn't "War of the Worlds" start out like this?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Dave Glowacki <dglo@SSEC.WISC.EDU>
Forwarded-By: Jeff Regan <jeffr@argh.caltech.edu>
http://www.waterford-today.ie/
Welcome to Waterford Today On-Line
Due to technical problems we have been unable to publish the
recent editions of Waterford Today.
We apologise for any inconvenience.
Mystery Metal Tubes Parachuted into Irish City
DUBLIN, Oct 5 (Reuters) - Mystery orange-and-white parachutes carrying
steel tubes with liquid inside fell on the southern Irish city of
Waterford on Monday, baffled police said.
"I'm not waiting for Martians or anything, but the fire brigade and the
army bomb disposal unit have examined them and so far no one knows what
they are," Sergeant Tim Price of the Waterford police said.
The bomb disposal unit had checked for explosives and determined that the
tubes presented no danger to the public, Price said.
The seven parachutes, carrying tubes about one metre (three feet) long,
fell at various points on the city centre, Price said.
The tubes concealed Pyrex glass holders sealed with wax and containing an
unidentified clear liquid.
"One of the tubular containers has a plastic box attached to it with a
fingerprint in red ink on it," Price said. He could not confirm media
reports that the tubes had Russian inscriptions on them.
"There must be some logical explanation for it," he said. "It's most
unusual."
[Did any of them contain pigeons? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 11:55:01 -0800
From: JIM_SCHINDLER@HP-Cupertino-om9.om.hp.com
Subject: Clinton and Gore
Clinton and Gore
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were sitting around the oval office,
talking. After a little while, the Lewinsky situation came up.
Gore said, "You know, Bill, I just think we have different
mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in
premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married.
How about you?"
Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I'm not sure, Al. What
was her maiden name, again?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 05 Nov 1998 19:54:42 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Copywrite Explained (Puns)
To: kegel@fea.net
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if
the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your
copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to
copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright
the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and
has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His
editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright
can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right
rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would
copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the
right to right.
Right? (By Shelley Herman)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 12:55:20 -0500
From: Sofie Nystrom <sofie@purdue.edu>
Subject: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
To: spaf
What would have been different if Bill Gates was a redneck....
1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk
redneck
yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-
Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars
in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? it's more like
Hey mister, can I ketch a ride in the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using
the NotePad
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 10:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Darwin Awards, A late breaking entry.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Tim Ruddick <truddick@eng.us.uu.net>
Forwarded-by: Bernie Mueller <software@thesyn.com>
Forwarded-by: Peter Mueller <peter_mueller@ucsdlibrary.ucsd.edu>
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uraguay, in
a bid for an unusual contribution to the cannon shots in an outdoor
children`s concert performance of the 1812 Overture, put what amounted to
a lit M-80 firecracker in his aluminum straight mute and stuck it in his
quite new Yamaha double-valve inline bass-trombone.
Later, he explained through bandages on his mouth, "I thought the
explosion would make the mute fly like a rocket and the bell of my
trombone would protect me." In fact the mute took off and flew into the
conductor's stomach and drove him off the podium and into the front row
of the audience. Luckily, the people in the audience were sitting in
folding chairs and two audience members, in the front row, were driven
relatively unhurt backwards into the row of people sitting behind them,
who in turn were driven into four people and so on. The sound of
collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds
added to the chaotic sounds of brass cannons and the general bombast that
constitutes the closing measures of the overture
Paolo had forgotten that every action involves a reaction. The bell of
his shiny Yamaha was turned inside out by the launching of his mute, and
he was driven backwards off the riser with a somewhat bruised embouchure
by the mute-turned-rocket.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 08:05:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Enquiring minds and all that rot.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Jokes-l list <bdonison@etc.bc.ca>
From: ECrownfiel@aol.com
My town office in Maine had several posters about polluted clam flats.
This is quite a problem; many flats have been closed temporarily or
permanently, driving the price of clams way up. So the poster explains
that a microorganism causes a disease in clams that causes numbness,
disorientation, and even death.
My question is simply this: just what are the distinguishing marks of a
numb or disoriented clam?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998 21:53:47 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #355
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
When I grow up... & get released???
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is
examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter
society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea
what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school
for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my
experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here.
People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I
thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've
grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go
on being a teapot."
[That patient went on to win distinction and now is on the faculty
at Indiana University. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 98 11:54:22 -0800
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Happy New Year in Club Gig Land
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: Susan Thompson <speech@halcyon.com>
Forwarded-by: Gcahillspc@aol.com
A band leader books a 10-piece band for a New Years gig... bass, drums,
guitar, piano, Hammond organ, horn section, and singers. Unfortunately, in
the last days of December, EVERY player bails on him!
He's frantic. He calls everyone he knows, but they're all booked.
Finally, in desperation, he starts calling everyone in the union
directory, and he finally books... a banjo player and an accordionist.
The gig is a smash!! The club owner books them back for next New Years
with a hefty raise. The banjo player turns to the accordionist and
says:"Great! We can leave our gear!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 08 Nov 1998 06:40:50 -0500
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: have you seen miss green?
To: mari schupp <mschupp@aol.com>
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Don Teague" <djt@earth.pacaccess.com>
Forwarded-by: ACSU <acsu@gte.net>
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A
man walks in and kneels down - "Father, it has been two weeks since my
last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie
Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels, "Father, it has
been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had
sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this woman is fairly popular with his
male parishioners...
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels, "Father, it has
been six months since my last confession. These are my sins - I have had
sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know."
"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering
what the story is with this mysterious, but too well-known, Nookie Green
woman.
The next Sunday the priest is in the middle of his sermon when the
doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks a woman, a tall
redhead with a green sequin dress, green sequined heels, and a green hat
with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the
aisle and sits down in the front pew right in front of the priest, her
knees apart. The priest can't help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to the altar boy,
"Pssssst. Joey, is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy says, "No, it's just the reflection off her shoes."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 07:25:50 -0500 (EST)
From: Larry Auton <lda@winux.com>
Subject: long names
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
I stumbled across this in RISKS digest:
The Guardian Weekly reported (in the issue ending 21 Apr 1996, p.4)
that "a Swedish court has fined a couple $660 for breaking the law by
naming their son Brfxxxcccxxmnnpcccclllmmnprxxvvclmnckssqlbb11116
-- or Albin for short."
I wonder if the court wanted at least one non-alphanumeric character.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 14:15:46 PST
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Microsoft branching out (from Irwin G.)
To: spaf
We were talking in the office the other day about Microsoft branching
out into other industries (toys, securities, etc.), and trying to
imagine what else they could possibly start to manufacture.
Mike: "Next thing you know, they'll be making Microsoft Condoms."
Me: "Gives whole new meaning to the words 'General Protection
Fault.'"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 10:05:00 -0500 (EST)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Mint jelly or cranberry sauce?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
From: Jeffrey C Honig <jch@bsdi.com>
This most be some sort of regional or ethnic tradition I'm not familiar
with...
Jeff
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 19:49:21 GMT
From: jjd9@cornell.edu (Jackie Dodge)
Subject: FS -- Dalmatian Puppies
Path: newsstand.cit.cornell.edu!Dodge
Newsgroups: cornell.marketplace
Organization: Cornell University
Sender: jjd9@cornell.edu (Verified)
For Sale: Dalmatian Puppies. AKC, Vet checked, 1st shots, home raised.
Ready for Thanksgiving.
Call (607) 844-xxxx (leave message).
Please do not respond to this e-mail -- posting for a friend.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998 21:42:51 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: NFL Football
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
THE TOP 12 SIGNS FOOTBALL SEASON IS STARTING
12. The "Jerry Springer" show is no longer the only place to watch large
asses crammed into tight shiny pants.
11. Ross Perot warns Americans about a "giant sucking sound" coming from
the Louisiana Superdome.
10. Groundhog emerges, sees shadow, gets drunk, and sexually assaults a
passing gopher.
9. Mike Ditka's blood pressure can now be measured from Hubble Telescope
using a simple infrared filter.
8. Al Michaels is seen beating his head against a tree stump to prepare
for yet another mind-numbing season in the broadcast booth with Dan
Dierdorf.
7. Foreplay now involves dressing provocatively as Arrowhead Stadium.
6. Word is out in Dallas: Even one snotty little Cowboy joke on the
Top5 List and Chris White's ass is grass.
5. Fist fights have moved from the Beanie Baby aisle to the Creatine
aisle.
4. National supply of "C" batteries depleted as "football widows" stock
up for the season.
3. Ass-pattings up an astonishing 119%.
2. John Madden throws out the ceremonial first wildly cartoonish
hyperbole and gesticulation.
1. It's okay to say the word "Packer" again within a group of guys.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NFL GOING TO CABLE TV IN 1998
NEW YORK, NY (DWPI) -- In a surprise development, a spokesman for the
National Football League today announced that the NFL is planning on
breaking its current broadcast contract with the Fox network. Starting
next season, ESPN will have broadcast rights to nearly all regular
season NFL games, with the exception of the Chicago Bears, which have
been picked up by Comedy Central. Fox viewers will not be completely
left out, however, since the hit show "Cops" will still be providing
extensive coverage of the Dallas Cowboys.
Reported by Mike Pontillo
The Daily Weekly, September 23, 1997 <daily@walrus.com>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 9 Nov 1998 16:51:11 -0800
From: JIM_SCHINDLER@HP-Cupertino-om9.om.hp.com
Subject: Occupational Descriptions
Occupational Descriptions...
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets
all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark
Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things
he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the
plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you
had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black
cat which isn't there.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a
coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls
it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she
liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 11:06:04 -0800
From: Fred Clegg <fwc@alumni.stanford.org>
Subject: Possible titles to Monica's new book
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
Possible titles to Monica's new book:
>
> I Suck At My Job
> What Really Goes Down In The White House
> How I Blew It In Washington
> You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
> Clear and Present Boner
> Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
> Going Back for Gore
> Podium Girl
> Secret Services to the President
> Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
> Deep Inside The Oral Office
> The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
> She's Chief of MY Staff!
> Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
> How To Beat Off the Government
> Going Down and Moving Up
> Members of the Presidential Cabinet
> Me and My Big Mouth
> How To Get Ahead in Business..
> He didn't inhale so I didn't swallow.
> How to become the Head intern
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 20:26:34 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Quips & Quips
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
MISCELLANEOUS QUIPS (selected)
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Cyn MacG <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 10:18:21 -0800 (PST)
From: Richard Tanner <Richard.Tanner@Eng.Sun.COM>
Subject: Real Fake
To: spaf@purdue.edu
I think they did this on the wrong day, it should have been done on
April 1, right ?
>From the CNN.com website:
Fake Acident Puzzles Police
AP 19-NOV-98
DELAND, Florida (AP) -- Police are searching for a prankster who they say
faked a hit-and-run in Florida. DeLand investigators say someone left a
pile of bloodstained gore and a smashed-up motor scooter at a busy
intersection Tuesday night. The culprit left a pile of deer intestines to
make it seem like someone was killed. But, there was no body. Whoever did
it made it look so realistic that police taped off the wreckage and sent a
helicopter to scan nearby woods. Police are going to dust the scooter for
fingerprints to try to find the culprit.
.....
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 19:23:49 -0800
From: Keith Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Thanksgiving
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
THE TRUTH ABOUT THANKSGIVING
By Jonathan P. Bernick
Today America celebrates the holiday of Thanksgiving, or as it is known
outside the United States, "Thursday." Families separated for months or
years will reunite, and shortly afterwards remember why they separated.
In a darkened gymnasium Richard Simmons will run his revenue
projections, and consider buying a small Caribbean island. Throughout
the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school system
will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days
surcease from education. (The students are pretty happy about it, too.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment. In
this decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered countrymen
think Plymouth Rock a music style from the 70’s, or the Mayflower a
potpourri ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of
journalistic public service and overweening arrogance, my column this
frosty morn shall be dedicated to answering your questions about
Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you're right, Jonathan; I, the average reader, am dumb as a
post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers
to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods
that no one in his right mind would eat otherwise, such as squash. The
average squash is a triumph of minimalism wherein Nature manages to
convert mud into a plant without bothering to change its taste and
texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the
addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that
taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef,
faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash dish, would throw
in his funny hat and become a short-order cook at Denny's
Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black Helicopters fit
it?
A. They transport the squash.
Copyright 1997 by Baja Arizona Publishing Company
Frumious Bandersnatch <http://www.bandersnatch.com/bander46.htm>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ENGLISH THANKSGIVING
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK
journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we
celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of
September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
Frank Morris 'BTIMCA' <popu70@rev.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'VE EATEN TOO MUCH
David Letterman, November 29, 1996
10. You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net
9. Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump
truck full of yams
8. All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps
7. While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker
6. Strangers keep addressing you as "Mr. President"
5. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read "Good Lord!"
4. You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock
3. People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade
was over"
2. Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your
gravitational field.
1. You're sweatin' gravy, my friend!
Dr. L.A. Wilson <Allen_Wilson@BC.SYMPATICO.CA>
UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 20:33:57 -0800
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Thanksgiving
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
THE TOP 10 LEAST KNOWN THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS (NON-FOOD CATEGORY)
10. The Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Tae Kwon Do Blood Match
9. Ye Olde Wyffe-Swappinge
8. The "Accidental" Walking in on the Niece in the Bathroom
7. The Entering Into a Fraudulent Land Deal to Rip-Off the Local Native
Americans
6. Aunt Jean's Annual Scotch Rant
5. The Taking of the "Alternative" Family Photograph for Those Whose
Lifestyle the Rest of the Clan Doesn't Approve
4. Watching the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame's Annual Trouncing of the
Peaceful Buggymen from Amish U.
3. Kissing Under the Gristletoe!
2. Giving Thanks for Uncle Earl's Stroke, Which Prevents Him from Doing his
Joe Piscopo Impression, and Yet Ironically Facilitates It
1. Watching to See if Puxaturkey Phil Sees his Shadow, Signifying Six More
Weeks of "It's a Wonderful Life"
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1998 20:22:21 -0800
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Thanksgiving Turkey
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
CORNBREAD TURKEY STUFFING
3 tablespoons bacon fat or vegetable oil
4 stalks celery, diced
1 large onion, minced
16 oz. cornbread stuffing crumbs
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts
2 cups apple juice
6 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 pound unpopped popcorn
1. Heat bacon fat or vegetable oil in large skillet over medium heat.
Add celery and union and saute until soft, about 8 to 10 minutes.
2. In large bowl, mix sauteed vegetables together with cornbread
stuffing crumbs. Mix in walnuts and popcorn.
3. In small saucepan, combine apple juice and butter; heat over medium
heat until butter is melted. Pour over stuffing mixture, mixing well.
Season stuffing with salt and pepper.
4. Stuff turkey cavities immediately before roasting.
5. Roast turkey until evenly browned or until turkey's behind is blown out
of the oven.
Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
UGA Humor List <HUMOR@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 15 LEAST POPULAR LEFTOVER TURKEY DISHES
15. Grandma's Pre-Gummed Turkey Neck
14. Deep-Fried Turkey Heads 'n' Velveeta
13. Roasted Neck-on-a-Stick
12. Turkey-House Cookies
11. Carcass Cacciatore
10. Forgotten Giblet Bag Pate'
9. Marrowloaf
8. Pudenda Pudding
7. Ice Cold Turkey Smoothies
6. Poorly Sliced Turkey with Finger
5. Pan Scrapings 'n' Dried Turkeyskin Crepes
4. Regurgiturkey Surprise
3. Homemade Moon Pie with Creamed Turkey/Marshmallow Filling
2. Turkey Testicle Tiramisu
1. Beakaroni and Cheese
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 98 15:59:54 -0800
From: Lisa Chabot <lsc@netcom.com>
Subject: the real silicon valley experience
To: diana_chabot@ccm.intel.com, ronni@scsolutions.com, spaf@cs.purdue.edu
<forwardings omitted>
------- Forwarded Message
>San Jose's Tech Museum of Innovation, which opened this weekend, is
>supposed to capture the spirit of Silicon Valley. Yet for some reason
>they didn't like any of the ideas for exhibits I submitted. I personally
>think that, taken together, these capture the whole spirit of the Valley,
>but I guess I'm alone.
>
>-----------
>1. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course:
>You have 2 hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well buckle
>yourself into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech museum offers
>several race courses to choose from: Try the "880 Endurance Course"!
>Hey!
>You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery Puddle at The Alameda
>on-ramp, and you're finally up to 25 mph! You'll make Brokaw road in no
>time. But look out! 101 merges into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two
>
>lanes AT THE SAME TIME! Who designed this nutty course? Or try the "17
>Face Off of Doom"! You're behind one truck in the right lane going 21
>mph. The truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many
>hours it will be before you can pass both trucks! Or try the 680 "Trail
>of Tears"! You've got to make it from Pleasanton to Fremont with only one
>full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don't forget the inept Caltrans contractors
>who block off lanes for no reason at all!
>
>2. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator:
>Ever wonder what it's like to work eighty hours a week? You can now
>experience blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of
>eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of Jolt Cola
>addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator! Hey,
>who are those strangers claiming to be your family? They're just part of
>the mysteries you'll experience at the Tech Museum!
>
>3. The "Find Help At Fry's" Cyber-Challenge:
>Don your Virtual Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley's favorite
>electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you. It's
>not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone, you still have
>to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once you get help, the
>challenge isn't over! You still have to avoid the "Let me get my manager"
>monster, endure the perpetual "Humans as Cattle" cash register corral,
>and make it past the paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity
>search! Youch!
>
>4. The Valley Fair Parking Space Scavenger Hunt:
>Your mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the Valley's
>most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space within a one mile
>radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope to make this scavenger hunt
>even more challenging when we violate the laws of conservation of mass
>with the addition of the Town and Country Monument to Bad City
>Management!
>
>5. Sell or Die:
>Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this interactive game designing
>and marketing superior, technically-advanced products that fill a niche
>and meet a need. But wait! The fun is just starting! It's time to play
>"Sell or Die"! Kids get to choose whether they will let themselves be
>bought out by the "innovative" Microsoft, or whether they will resist the
>urge and have their products undersold by Microsoft's inferior competing
>products! The fun is in seeing how long *you* can last in the face of
>unfair marketing practices. The last player to go bankrupt paying their
>legal bills wins! Extra points for kids who survive long enough to
>testify in front of the Justice Department!
>
>6. Mr. Jobs' Wild Ride:
>Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and experience the wildest roller coaster
>ride of your life! Just when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall,
>swerve wildly and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for
>now)! And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one
>all-powerful and unpredictable hippy-turned-power
>player-turned-exile-turned-interim CEO for life! And look out! The Larry
>Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You'll lose
>your lunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs out as you
>freefall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop of Death! Riders
>can then regain their composure looking at the:
>
>7. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries:
>Get up close and personal with Valley history by reading over fifteen
>years of stories lamenting the imminent death of everyone's favorite
>fruit company! With all that circling, don't buzzards ever get dizzy?
>
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998 18:06:16 -0800
From: JIM_SCHINDLER@HP-Cupertino-om9.om.hp.com
Subject: Top 10 Summer Camps
TOP 10 SUMMER CAMPS YOU SHOULD NOT SEND YOUR KIDS TO
====================================================
10. Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's - Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Starr's - Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's - Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's - Camp Grabbakiddie
3. President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneres' - Camp Lickacoochie
And the Number 1 camp not to send your kids to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckaweewee
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 9:40:15
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 11/10/98 - Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
BACKGROUND: The classic movie "The Wizard of Oz" has
recently been re-released here in the U.S.
The Top 13 Changes in the New "Wizard of Oz"
13> Newly-restored scene shows the Munchkins asking the Wizard
for testicles.
12> Scarecrow, Tinman and Cowardly Lion now referred to as the
"PETA-Approved Crow-Frightening Person of Straw", the
"Non Gender Specific Recycled Metallic American", and
the "Assertiveness-Challenged Feline."
11> "Wicked Witch of the West" replaced by
"Misguided Independent Counsel of the Beltway"
10> Restored scene in which Jabba the Hutt advises Dorothy
not to dump the ruby slippers at the first sign of monkey
bat attack.
9> Dorothy clicks her heels and says, "There's no place like
the mall."
8> Victim of a careless oversight in 1939, Bob Dole is finally
credited for his role as "Elderly Farm Hand #2."
7> "Come with us to the Emerald City! I'm sure the Wizard can
help you find the real killers!"
6> Dorothy wakes up in rehab and swears she'll lay off the
stuff forever.
5> Through the magic of special effects, all munchkins now
played by Danny DeVito, Gary Coleman and Michael J. Fox.
4> Then: "Poppies! Poppies! Poppies!"
Now: "Dude, I can't find a vein!"
3> Vanilla Dot and little T-Dogg barely survive the drive-by
from the Munchkrips.
2> "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THAT INTERN!!!"
and Top5's Number 1 Change in the New "Wizard of Oz"...
1> Tin Man axes Toto after hearing "Yo quiero Taco Bell"
for the zillionth time.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1998 13:6:54
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 11/11/98 - Changes at Microsoft
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft
as a Result of Antitrust Charges
13> Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing
Netscape logo.
12> Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally
as "IE5-10, with time off for good behavior."
11> Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring
competitors.
10> Cancellation of planned "You'll think what we TELL you to
think!" ad campaign.
9> Company United Way contributions redirected towards the
"Let's Buy The US Government" fund.
8> Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter
quietly tabled.
7> 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates's office to sign landmark
settlement agreement.
10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.
6> "I don't break for software companies" bumper stickers
removed from corporate limousines.
5> Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor
addled she-male."
4> Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.
3> Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from
huge buttwads of cash.
2> Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small
competitor to show a modest profit for three straight
quarters. Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death
like a baby seal.
and Top5's Number 1 Change at Microsoft
as a Result of Antitrust Charges...
1> Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice
but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed
against *his* will.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Selected from 98 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors are:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1 (13th #1)
Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH -- 2, 8
Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2, Topic
Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 3
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 5
Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 6
Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 7, Runner Up list name
Paul Paternoster, Los Altos Hills, CA -- 9 (Hall of Famer)
John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 10 (Hall of Famer)
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 10
Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 (Hall of Famer)
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 12, Banner Tag
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 13
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
Project Nim, New York, NY -- Ambience
(I repeat -- the best unsigned band in America)
Check these folks out! http://www.projectnim.com
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Window Pains"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions for
today's list can be found at: http://www.topfive.com
================================================================
Ruminations & Ponderances
I think that if you're so confused you
"don't know whether to shit or go blind,"
you should pretty much always go with "shit."
(Thanks to Jason Murray)
================================================================
I M P O R T A N T C R A P !
--- --- --- --- --- ---
To bitch at the owner: Send mail to top5@gmbweb.com
You are subscribed to Top5 as: [spaf@cs.purdue.edu]
Subscribe? Send a blank message to: join-top5@lists.lyris.net
Unsubscribe? Send a blank message to: leave-top5-416553U@lists.lyris.net
--- --- --- --- --- ---
This delivery powered by Lyris! http://www.lyris.net
================================================================
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 10:44:27
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 11/12/98 - True-Life Horror Movies
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 15 True-Life Horror Movies
15> "Mr. Bean-eater"
14> "Yeastmaster V: The Yeast Within"
13> "The Adam Sandler Story"
-- starring Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler
12> "Iraqnophobia"
11> "He Knows You're a Naive Beverly Hills Princess
With Romantic Delusions"
10> "Night of the Desperate Amway Salesman"
9> "The Day They Called Me 'Ma'am'"
8> "Mister Ventura Goes To Washington"
7> "The Postman Always Reloads Twice"
6> "Fido's Been Eating Jalapenos and Spoiled Meat!"
5> Ken Starr's "I Know What You Did Last Hummer"
4> Richard Simmons in "The Exercist"
3> "Rosemary's Baby's Stepfather/Boyfriend"
2> "I Know Who You Did Last Summer and She's Going to Expect
Child Support Payments Starting About April, You Bastard"
and Top5's Number 1 True-Life Horror Movie...
1> "Something Under Your Skirt Just Poked Me!"
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 08:54:50 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Windows announcement
To: the-usual-suspects@cs.purdue.edu
http://www.microsoft.com/windows/dailynews/102898.htm
Microsoft has announced that they will be calling the next release of
Windows NT "Windows 2000" instead of "Windows NT 5". There is an
exception to this -- for a few weeks in January, the system will label
itself as "Windows 1900."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------