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Yucks Digest V7 #15 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 3 Oct 97 Volume 7 : Issue 15
Today's Topics:
(fwd) Re: Problem with Photoshop Wind-filter [It's an ill wind ...?]
... and the young still sing songs in our honor.
3 from santasam
Anatomically correct
A Tragedy
BE OS release QOTD
Blonde JOTD
Can you tell we recently had a spelling flame war?
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Everything I needed to know, I learned from video games.
FUNNY
He Said, She Said
Interviewing (fwd)
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
More from the files of santasam partA
PSA-TALK [Fwd: Re: Breaking news story] (fwd)
RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE.COM
Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
Since, I'm the chief redneck in the lab.
submission
The old ones are the best...
Whoa Mama
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 04 Jul 1997 21:45:15 GMT
From: pdds typographic <usenet@pdds.demon.co.uk>
Subject: (fwd) Re: Problem with Photoshop Wind-filter [It's an ill wind ...?]
To: Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford <spaf>
On Wed, 02 Jul 1997 01:18:39 -0400, in comp.graphics.apps.photoshop
rtideas@iserv.net (Russ Taber) wrote:
In article <5or3gp$669@nntp.hut.fi>, owallian@cc.hut.fi (Ode) wrote:
> While working with an image we noticed a problem with
> the wind-filter in Photoshop 4.0 (mac). While applying
> wind in large images Photoshop freezes totally. We expreimented
> a little and found out that images larger than 47 megs
> freeze Photoshop while smaller images don't. Is this
> a bug in the filter? The image we're trying to work on is
> a 90meg RGB file. Is there a workaround? Maybe another
> 3rd party plugin with similar wind-effect as the original PS
> filter? Or is this maybe a bug in Photoshop?
Did you try apply the wind from the opposite direction???
Just a suggestion.
[Or maybe rotate the monitor? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 14:31:20 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: ... and the young still sing songs in our honor.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Kolstad <kolstad@BSDI.COM>
Forwarded-by: wdr@kea-115.Eng.Sun.COM ("William Delightful":
If Klingons Developed Software:
Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Project
Manager for your software development team:
10: Back on Kalis Prime we programmed in COBOL, and the young still
sing songs in our honor.
9: A Klingon PM does not question his orders!
8: Our clients are weak, they will do nothing.
7: Klingon programmers do not need to sleep!
6: I am the PM, I may change the design as I see fit.
5: Do not challenge me unless you are prepared to die.
4: Your code is weak, and you are weak. Give me one reason I
should not kill you where you stand!
3: It is time, prepare yourself for the Ritual of Testing.
2: We will meet the schedule or die!
1: This code is a piece of GAGH! Prepare to die!
[Huh. Sounds more like me talking to my grad assistants. Maybe that's
the secret? Advisors are really Klingons? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 13:06:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: 3 from santasam
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
An american pilot is stranded in the middle east after his plane was shot
down.
As he was wandering through the desert trying to find a way home a maurading
band of desert savages captured him. He was taken to their leader where he
was
given a choice. Either he take the test of the three tents and pass or be
executed. Obviosly the american had no intention of dying so he asked to be
given the test. The leader of the savages then told him he must go to three
tents. In the first tent there were 100 shots of vodka. The pilot was to
drink
them all without spilling one drop. In the second tent was a tiger with a
thorn
in it's paw. The american had to remove the thorn. In the third tent was a
woman who had never been sexually satisified. He had to satisfy her. He had
to
go through all the tents in succession with out stopping. The american took a
deep breath and headed for the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbled to
the second tent. Once he entered the savages could here lots of hissing and
growling. An hour later the pilot emerged, cut and bruised, stagered up to
the
chief and said "can you point me in the direction of the third tent with the
woman who has a thorn in her hand."
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tommorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian
didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and
I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years. Then
one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the
horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down
shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water
from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the
shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero, "I thought I was
never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.
"Ten years, ten long years" replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "how have you coped all that time on
your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!".
"Ah well, that's not quite true" says the man shyly.
"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.
"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my
feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried
in the sand and it's arse facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine
and a half years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely
shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out
of step."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 14:05:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Anatomically correct
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: dds@dana.ucc.nau.edu (Debbie Shutts)
Subject: Anatomically correct
Seen on the warning label of Midol PMS:
"Do not take this product, unless directed by a doctor, if you have
... difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland."
If I had a prostate & needed Midol PMS, I think I'd be worried about
more than drug side effects.....
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Jul 1997 15:31:30 -0400
From: "Fruecht, John" <John.Fruecht@transquest.com>
Subject: A Tragedy
To: "'spaf@cs.purdue.edu'" <spaf>
Bill Clinton was talking with a middle school class. He asked them what
a tragedy was. A youngster put up her hand.
"If my friend was playing, and ran out into the street, and was hit by a
car and killed. That would be a tragedy."
Bill said, "No. That would be an accident, but not a tragedy. Anybody
else?"
Another student volunteers, "If a whole bus loaded with kids was going
down a mountain road, lost its brakes and went over a cliff killing
everybody, that would be a tragedy."
Bill responds, "No. That would be a great loss, but not a tragedy.
Would someone else try?"
Finally a small voice from the back of the room says, "If you and the
First Lady were riding in an airplane, and it exploded that would be a
tragedy."
"That's right. That would be a tragedy. How did you figure that out?"
"Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great
loss"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jul 1997 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: BE OS release QOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Timothy J. Dion" <timd@advis.com>
From the Preview Release of the BE Operating System:
To celebrate, the Be staff took a few hours off and went to see the movie
"Men in Black." I won't spoil the plot for those who haven't seen it,
but the movie makes a point that is somehow appropriate -- It is impossible
to completely rid the universe of bugs, but at least you can drive something
fast, arm yourself with powerful tools, and look good doing it.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 10:05:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Blonde JOTD
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Kevin Derby <kderby@com2001.com>
A young woman, visiting her doctor, said "There's something wrong,
my entire body hurts!"
"What do you mean?" asked the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her finger and said, "That
hurts!" She touched her left cheek and said, "That hurts, too!" She
touch her chest and said, "Even that hurts!"
The doctor sighed, and asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes!" she said.
"I thought so," replied the doctor. "I think you've sprained your
finger."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Can you tell we recently had a spelling flame war?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
SPELLING CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Author Unknown
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 1997 13:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "William Krueger" <William_Krueger@csg.stercomm.com>
The Facts of Life:
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 peaple are mentally ill. Check 3
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY:
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget
where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where
you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 1997 15:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Everything I needed to know, I learned from video games.
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Per Persson <pp@swip.net>
Forwarded-by: hans.holmberg@notes.sema.se
20 Things I Learned from Video Games
Originally By: Gwen Eckman
Butchered By: Clay Halliwell
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training.
5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their dirty
work.
6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.
7. You can smash things and get away with it.
a. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
8. When someone dies, they disappear.
9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.
12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, the begin flashing red or
yellow.
14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief period of time.
15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all
down.
16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.
17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no other
reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them
with it.
18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same
names.
20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new
one will appear in its place.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 09:26:36 -0500
From: maneel (Mary-Ann Neel)
Subject: FUNNY
To: glc, spaf, jackson, kquick@Bellsouth.net
This one is very funny... I hope this kid got an 'A' for interpretation...
------- Forwarded Message
> A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
> essay containing these four elements:
>
> - religion
> - royalty
> - sex
> - mystery
>
> The prize-winning essay read:
>
> "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: He Said, She Said
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: "Garry Turcotte" <garry@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: "Aggie Johnson" <aggie@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: stewartb@uniserve.com (Stewart B.)
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological
longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get
really turned on.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper
levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over
the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend
with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes
"look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make
sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to
tossing it out.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Jul 1997 08:13:51 -0700
From: rex.black@hitachipc.com
Subject: Interviewing (fwd)
To: spaf
Ah yes, reminds me of my old "QA Manager" days at Locus and IQ...gee
do I miss that...
Rex
Subject: Interviewing (fwd)
Author: "KGUNDERSEN" <KGUNDERSEN@doveassoc.com> at ~hipc-internet
From: dschluss@netcom.com (David Schlussel) at ~INTERNET_MAIL
Subject: Interviewing (fwd)
BOB LEVEY'S WASHINGTON POST
We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we
knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go
light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100
major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by
job applicants. The lowlights:
1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it
would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at
the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a
few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive
was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fries in the interviewer's office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the
middle of the interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice
president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having
the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to
call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly
thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that
the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a
copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he
had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his
wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which
company? When do l start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume
you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He
promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't
hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was
a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the
other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and
perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception
area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would
require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot
powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was
putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the
powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk.
When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted
my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions
about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that If
he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to
state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the
police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
ran. No one was injured, but I didneed to get a new desk. (Wall
Street Journal 1989)
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 11:00:23 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@us.itmasters.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
To: spaf (Yucks List)
This just in:
Microsoft Sues Bandai Over Tamagotchi
Redmond WA, (AP).
Microsoft (MSFT) has announced a 54 million dollar lawsuit against Tomagotchi
maker, Bandai. Microsoft is claiming that the Tomagotchi (the Japanese
electronic pet that's all the rage with the kids) is an infringment of
its intellectual property.
Microsoft spokesperson, Erik Loregard stated "Software that needs constant,
even hourly attention, or else it dies? Sounds like Windows to me.
This is clearly an infringment on our technology".
The Bandai company spokesman refused to comment on the suit.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 13:08:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: Santasam@aol.com
Subject: More from the files of santasam partA
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she
happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on
the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night
and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the
farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to
wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at
it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back
and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years
ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "What the hell, let's take these things off."
The weather was very hot, and this man wanted deserately to take a dive in
the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was
alone.
So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He
panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy
beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then, one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read
minds."
"Impossible," said the embarassed man, "You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're
holding as a bottom in it."
Three men were on safari in Africa one day,when a horrible thing
happened. An elephant came running out of the bushes and trampled the
three men,but not before they managed to kill it.
A plastic surgeon was passing by in a helicopter and happened to see
the carnage. He thought that maybe he could do something, and landed
near the men.
The first guy was in pretty bad shape. He was missing a piece of bone
in his forehead. So the surgeon chopped off part of the elephant's
tusk, put it in the guy's head, and sewed him up.
The second guy was a little worse. His skin was ripped up and torn
off,especially aounr his neck and face. So the surgeon sliced some
skin off of the elephant and sewed it on his second patient.
The third guy was the worse. The elephant had,while trampling
him,ripped off his dick. So the surgeon cut off the end of the
elephant's trunk and sewed it on the guy as a replacement.
The surgeon ran into his helicopter and took off,hoping his patients
wouldn't try to sue him.
Three years later, the plastic surgeon walked into a bar and saw the
three guys,looking pretty good.He decided to approach them and ask how
they were doing.
He siad, "Hey,aren't you the three guy who got trampled by that
elephant? How are you doing these days?"
The first guy responded, "Man, I'm great. I feel wonderful, and you
wouldn't believe how much my memory has improved. I mean, I can look
at a page and recite it word for word back to ya."
The surgeon nodded and looked happy that at least one person
wouuldn't
sue him. He turned to the second guy and said,"You okay? I heard your
skin got ripped up pretty badly."
"Yeah," said the guy, " but it's better than new now. My skin's so
tough you could punch me and I would barely feel it. Yeah, I'm a
prizefighter now. I'm goin for the heavyweight championship."
That's two who won't sue, thought the surgeon. He asked the third guy
how he was doing.
"I'm doin real good,man," the third man replied. "Got a great sex
life, but there's just this one problem..."
The surgeon got nervous at this point and hoped that it wasn't a bad
problem. "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"Well," said the guy, "whenever they start passing out peanuts at
parties, I always get thrown out."
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or
sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning
forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 22:45:38 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@netads.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: PSA-TALK [Fwd: Re: Breaking news story] (fwd)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
> From: griffith@netcom.com (Jim Griffith)
> Keywords: topical, chuckle
> Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
> Date: Wed, 9 Jul 97 3:20:01 EDT
>
>
> AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH
>
> Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced
> as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert,
> outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference
> today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in
> fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien
> spacecraft".
>
> The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby
> Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily
> Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which
> allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times
> before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien
> gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the
> Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
>
> General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a
> detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant
> fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the
> general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation
> of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly"
> nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned
> Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government
> cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE.COM
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Peter Collinson <pc@hillside.co.uk>
From: Mark Henderson-Thynne <mark@netnames.com>
The domains:
BILL-IS-LORD.COM
RESISTANCE-IS-FUTILE.COM
WESHALLPREVAIL.COM
are all owned by;
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Microsoft Corporation (BILL-IS-LORD-DOM)
3635 157th Avenue
Redmond, WA 98052
US
Domain Name: BILL-IS-LORD.COM
Administrative Contact:
MSN Hostmaster (MH37-ORG) msnhst@MICROSOFT.COM
tel.: 206 882 8080 fax.: 206 703 2641
Technical Contact, Zone Contact:
MSN NOC (MN5-ORG) msnnoc@MICROSOFT.COM
206 882 8080
Billing Contact:
MSN Domain Billing (MDB-ORG) msnbill@MICROSOFT.COM
206 882 8080
Record last updated on 24-Jun-97.
Record created on 24-Jun-97.
Database last updated on 8-Jul-97 04:25:14 EDT.
Domain servers in listed order:
ATBD.MICROSOFT.COM 131.107.1.7
DNS1.MICROSOFT.COM 131.107.1.240
DNS3.NWNET.NET 192.220.250.7
DNS4.NWNET.NET 192.220.251.7
[Why are we not surprised? Actually, it appears these were deregistered
sometime over the summer and are no longer active.--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 1997 15:05:03 -0400 (EDT)
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@bostic.com>
Subject: Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
To: /dev/null@mongoose.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: jbh@chairface (Jason Hendrix)
Forwarded-by: Mark Dadgar <mdadgar@auspex.com:
Spice Girl Job Application Form:
15: In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want, this job.
14: Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your
hooters?
13: Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting
hatred?
12: How would you best describe yourself?
( ) An energetic self-starter
( ) A team player
( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
11: True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.
10: "I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the
music industry." ( )Yes ( )No
9: How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
8: Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back
on?
7: Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of
individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of
neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology.
Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
6: Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic
light?
5: Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie,
Chlamydia.
4: Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and
horizontal stripes?
3: If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers,
and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look
in spandex?
2: Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid
or just giggly?
and the Number 1 Question on the Spice Girl Job Application...
1: If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be
willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
[I'd guess that Mark may not like the Spice Girls... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 03 Oct 1997 11:26:28 -0500
From: daniels (Tom Daniels)
Subject: Since, I'm the chief redneck in the lab.
To: spaf, coast-lab
Well, probably the best approximation that we have.
>> Things you wouldn't NEVER hear a Southerner say:
>>
>> * We don't keep firearms in this house.
>> * Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
>> * You can't feed that to the dog.
>> * I thought Graceland was tacky.
>> * No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
>> * Wrasslin's fake.
>> * Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
>> * We're vegetarians.
>> * Do you think my hair is too big?
>> * I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
>> * Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
>> * Who's Richard Petty?
>> * Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
>> * Deer heads detract from the decor.
>> * Spitting is such a nasty habit.
>> * I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
>> * Trim the fat off that steak.
>> * Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
>> * The tires on that truck are too big.
>> * I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
>> * I've got it all on a floppy disk.
>> * Unsweetened tea tastes better.
>> * Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
>> * My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
>> * I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
>> * Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
>> * Checkmate.
>> * She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
>> * Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
>> * Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
>> * I don't have a favorite college team.
>> * I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
>> * Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
>> * Elvis who?
>> * Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
>> * Would you like hash browns instead of grits?
>> * Hunting? No, I've already shot my limit. Maybe next time!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1986 14:58:02 +0900
From: TtonyY <joeycoco@seagreen.ocn.ne.jp>
Subject: submission
To: spaf
TB's
"YOU KNOW YOU'RE UGLY..."
------ original material (17th Sept., '97) --------
1. ... when you offer to buy a good-looking person a drink at a bar,
and they laugh and tells their friends to look at the
talking monkey.
2. ... when you can't even get a BLIND date.
3. ... when you go to a travelling freak show and people start
asking where YOUR display is.
4. ..when even your dog is too embarrassed to go for
"walkies" with you.
5. ... if you played the title role in your school's dramatisation of
what was renamed "The Incredibly Hideous Duckling."
6. ... don't you?
7. ... when people who are abusing you struggle to think of a
suitably severe analogy, eg. "You're as ugly as...."
8. ... when evolutionists cite you as example of catastrophic gene
mutation run amok.
9. ... when you hear the words "missing link" being whispered
around you a lot.
10. ... when religious figures show a picture of you and say, "This
is what happens if you masturbate too much."
11. ... when the local leper colony organise a fundraising campaign
on your behalf as a show of sympathy.
12. ... when your town council votes to make you grow a big, bushy
beard.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 15:55:19 +0100
From: J White <J.R.White@derby.ac.uk>
Subject: The old ones are the best...
To: spaf
One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest
daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the
groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found
one, but the physician took one look at the man's dick and told him that
nothing could be done for him.
"Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay
you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's
a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold
it without pissing in your face."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 17:14:27 +0100 (BST)
From: "Lindsay F. Marshall" <Lindsay.Marshall@newcastle.ac.uk>
Subject: Whoa Mama
To: netagere@limitless.co.uk
> HOW TO SING THE BLUES
>
> (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
> with help from Uncle Plunky)
>
> 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
>
> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
> stick something nasty in the next line.
>
> I got a good woman--
> with the meanest dog in town.
>
> 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
> Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
>
> Got a good woman
> with the meanest dog in town.
> He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
> and he weighs about 500 pounds.
>
> 4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
>
> 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
> transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
> plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
>
> 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
> adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
> man in Memphis.
>
> 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
> Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
> depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best
> places to have the blues.
>
> 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
> a. violet
> b. beige
> c. mauvre
>
> 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
> lighting is wrong.
>
>10. Good places for the Blues:
> a. the highway
> b. the jailhouse
> c. the empty bed
>
> Bad places:
> a. Ashrams
> b. Gallery openings
> c. weekend in the Hamptons
>
>11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
> happen to be an old black man.
>
>12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
> Yes, if:
> a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
> b. you're blind
> c. you shot a man in Memphis.
> d. you can't be satisfied.
>
> No, if:
> a. you were once blind but now can see.
> b. you're deaf
> c. you have a trust fund.
>
>13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
>
>14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
> Other blues beverages are:
> a. Wine
> b. Irish whiskey
> c. Muddy water
>
> Blues beverages are NOT:
> a. Any mixed drink
> b. Any wine kosher for Passover
> c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
>
>15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
> Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
> So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment
> in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
> liposuction treatment.
>
>16. Some Blues names for Women
> a. Sadie
> b. Big Mama
> c. Bessie
>
>17. Some Blues Names for Men
> a. Joe
> b. Willie
> c. Little Willie
> d. Lightning
>
> Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
> sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>
>17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
> a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
> b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
> c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------