Yucks Digest V6 #4 (more shorts from the backlog)

Yucks Digest                Fri,  7 Jun 96       Volume 6 : Issue   4 

Today's Topics:
       "...and who lived by the railway cuttings at Nazareth."
                         Abuse of statistics
                      A Few Ambiguous Headlines
         And, how useful could it be, in the final analysis?
                         Another stellar one!
                           Bunch O' Drunks?
                      By the way, our team won.
                   Finally, the moral of the story.
                       Git along little doggie!
                       High school girl saliva.
  How many people do *you* know with a C function named after them ?
                        It most certainly is.
                           Jobs on Windows
                            JOTD (2 msgs)
                              Logic 666
     Lowered Barn -- Re: TOURBUS Hijacked! (Bus Trip to Petville)
                             modem abuse
                         More plan9 man pages
                      Nickname Alert -- Braulio
                   Now, that's what I call backup!
                           NPR on Windows95
                           Quote of the day
                     Read it Sam, read it again.
                      Rush Limbaugh and the Pig
                       Seen this already? (fwd)
                 Technology can be such a challenge.
                           That's a reason.
                 The Elephant and the Plastic Surgeon
                       The Lesser Gods: Kludge
                    The non-stop Geraldo episodes?
                       the perfect holiday gift
                   Things that make you go hmmm...
                             tom swifties
             Well, it *is* an interesting domain name...
                        Whither the deadheads?
                  Why do we stand in line for Win95?
                            X for dummies

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

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Date: Wed, 20 Sep 1995 08:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "...and who lived by the railway cuttings at Nazareth."
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

The book *Ancient Inventions*, by Peter James and Nick Thorpe, describes
a variety of inventions, both technological and social, in the "ancient"
world.  In a section on the Greek steam turbine developed by Heron, they
refer to an essay by Arnold Tonybee, speculating on whether the Greeks
would have invented the steam locomotive:

	   History might well have taken a different turn, however, as
	the great historian Arnold Toynbee pointed out in a brilliant
	speculative essay.  He considered what might have happened if
	Alexander the Great had not drunk himself to death in 323 B.C.
	at the age of thirty-three.  Alexander was only partway through
	his plans of world conquest, having united the Greek world with
	the Persian Empire and taken his armies as far as Egypt and
	northern India.  Had Alexander lived longer, Toynbee argues,
	there is no reason why his enormous and ever-growing army would
	not have gone on to subdue the Romans, the Carthaginian Empire
	of North Africa, Ethiopia and China.  If he had succeeded in
	uniting this vast area under one authority, the motivation would
	have arisen to develop swifter means of transport to connect the
	far reaches of the empire.   As w eknow, the Greeks had already
	invented the railway (see *Introduction* to *Transportation
	[another section of *Ancient Inventions* -gh]).  In Toynbee's
	model they combined this with an inmproved version of Heron's
	steam engine and had steam locomotives running across Asia only
	a few generations after Alexander.

	   One of the by-products of Toynbee's speculative foray is too
	irresistible to overlook.  The world religion he envisages under
	a global empire ruled by a continuous succession of Alexanders
	is a hellenized version of Buddhism, highly plausible given the
	extraordinary similarity between the teachings of the popular
	Greek philosopher Pythagoras and those of the Buddha (see
	*Introduction* to *Food, Drink and Drugs*).  Christianity might
	never have gotten off the ground.  Toynbee refers in passing to
	a failed prophet whose words fell on stony ground and who lived
	by the railway cuttings at Nazareth.

Dunno what holes one can poke in this, but I *do* have to find that
Toynbee essay; it's

	"If Alexander the Great Had Lived On", in Toynbee (ed.): *Some
	Problems in Greek History (Oxford University Press, 1969), pp.


Date: Wed, 13 Sep 95 22:47:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Abuse of statistics
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: danpeck@panix.com (Dan Peck)

Abuse of statistics:

"An anti-drug abuse poster on the subway sponsored by the New York
Business Alliance warned employers: '70% of drug abusers are employed!'
To which someone added in pen 'Gee, does that mean if I start taking
drugs I'll get a fucking job?'"


Date: Mon, 18 Sep 95 15:15:29 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: A Few Ambiguous Headlines
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: danpeck@panix.com (Dan Peck)


o Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Says
o Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
o Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
o Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
o Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
o Farmer Bill Dies In House
o Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
o Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
o Stud Tires Out
o Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
o Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
o Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
o British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
o Eye Drops Off Shelf
o Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
o Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
o Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
o Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
o Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
o Miners Refuse To Work After Death
o Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
o Stolen Painting Found By Tree
o Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
o 2 Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
o Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
o Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
o Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 In '84


Date: Mon, 18 Sep 1995 12:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And, how useful could it be, in the final analysis?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "G.O.G." <GGRAYLEE@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: <cate3@netcom.com>

On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant.
My fortune read:

    "You will gain admiration from your pears."

Comice?  Bartlett?  Canned?  I don't grow or eat them, anyway.


Date: Thu, 14 Sep 95 14:23:00 -0600
From: A contributor
Subject: Another stellar one!


       San Jose, California, September 8, 1995 -- Cisco Systems, Inc.,
(NASDAQ:  CSCO), the leading global supplier of internetworking
solutions, today announced their agreement with San Francisco, CA to
rename the city.  Coming on the heals of the 3COM/Candlestick
agreement, the city has agreed to roll over again and accept
$5,000,000.00 over a period of 5 years to have the name shortened to
cisco, CA.

       According to a company spokesman, "When we saw how easily the city
of San Francisco had rolled over for the 3COM deal, we knew we had an
excellent opportunity.  The chance to reinforce cisco's presence
in the networking community and the world at large is something that we
just couldn't pass up.  For the price, it's quite a steal."

3COM officials declined to comment on a report that they had tried to
block the deal due to their concern that 3COM Park (formerly
Candlestick Park) would now be located in cisco, CA.

       "With the number of national and international visitors, TV coverage,
and the 1999 Superbowl to be held in the newly renamed city, cisco will
continue to extend its reach into every facet of the networking world"
said the spokesman. "We are proud of the outstanding accomplishments of
our employees and partners in fiscal 1995 and we see this as an
excellent opportunity to reward them for their dedication."

        Cisco Systems, Inc. is the leading global supplier of enterprise
networks, including routers, LAN and ATM switches, dial-up access servers
and network management software.


Date: Tue, 12 Sep 95 22:10 CDT
From: heiby@falkor.chi.il.us (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Bunch O' Drunks?
To: spaf

Just saw a typo in a news blurb related to the recent reassignments within
the IBM OS/2 area. It referred to the head of "Personal Sotware Products".

Hmm. I bet that would be more popular than "Bob"! Ron.


Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 14:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: By the way, our team won.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: hunter@nlm.nih.gov (Larry Hunter)

Subject: Re: Various Raw Bits
Author: forteana@lists.primenet.com at smtp
Date:    23/8/1995 8:15 PM

Back in 1991 I had the pleasure of going to Bangkok for a medical
technology conference, after which, my boss and I travelled up north to
Chiang Mai for a few days. While we were there we accidentally stumbled
across a local food festival, involving the greatest "Larp" (?sp)
preparers from Chiang Mai Province. One thing that struck us was that we
were the only western people there, other than a kiwi by the name of

Anyway, John and I were adopted by one team and we stood by, playing
traditional musical instruments as our preparer belted a couple of water
buffalo steaks, a bag of clotted blood, some intestine and far more
chillies than is compatible with life (you listening Terry?) with a pair
of machetes. They also plied us with Mekong whiskey, which I wouldn't
recommend even as an antiseptic. The next hour or so was a little blurry,
but John got to chat with Miss Thailand (who was judging) and I got to
talk with the police commissioner's wife and finally our team presented
us with the finished product -- exceedingly nice -- basically a mince dish
so hot you had to shovel sticky rice down you throat or die within

Our preparer was pleased with our reaction to it and told us that most
western people steered clear of this dish because it wasn't cooked.  We,
a pair of paranoid parasitologists, had been eating raw water buffalo in

Still, it tasted  reeeeeeal good.

By the way, our team won.


Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 11:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Finally, the moral of the story.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: Tom Kessler <kessler@cthulhu.engr.sgi.com>

Thought you'd be amused by this test message that comes with the
new netscape mail reader.

Subject: Welcome!
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 22:38:26 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mozilla <info@netscape.com>

                                 Welcome to
                             Netscape Mail(TM)

Some day soon this message will contain a brief overview of the mail
interface, some demos of the features, and pointers to the manual. Or
something. But for now, boys and girls, gather round and uncle Mozilla will
tell you a little story. This story is called

                  The Troubled Aardvark
                      by Tom Annau

 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only
 pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow
 to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new
 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his
 snivelling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark
 reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and
 on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation,   [N E T S C A P E]
 its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete
 ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to
 change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter
 depression and self- doubt, he decided to take the only
 course of action that would bring him greater comfort
 and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported
 consumer electronics goods.

 Moral of the story: Invest in foreign consumer
 electronics manufacturers.


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 13:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Git along little doggie!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Chuck Yerkes" <yerkes_chuck@jpmorgan.com>

   A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is
captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against
the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
    "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is
our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
    The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish,
I'll need my horse."

   "Give him his horse," said the Chief.

   The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse
took off like a shot across the prairie.
   Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde
woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders,
and helped the young lady off the horse.  He then took her into the
woods and had his way with her.

   "Second wish," said the Chief.

   "I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

   Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once
again the horse rode off over the prairie.

    Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head
on its back.  The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady
off the horse, and went into the woods.

   "This is your last wish," said the Chief," make it a good one."

   The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face
right up to the horse's nose.

   "I SAID POSSE!!!!!!!"

[Hmm, I could use a good horse... --spaf]


Date: Thu, 14 Sep 1995 13:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: High school girl saliva.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: hitz@netapp.com (Dave Hitz)

>From the "Ask Isadora" column in the SF Bay Guardian:

    Reprinted from the Mainichi [Japan] Daily News: Fresh saliva is the
    latest specialist product to be marketed by the Waykayama company
    aimed at Japanese men with an obsessive interest in joshikosei, or
    female high school students... "Last year we began selling joshikosei
    used panties in our stores, and sales were so good that we've invested
    in vending machines for them," a company spokesperson said, "It's now
    easier for the girls to sell saliva than their panties, and if we can
    get regular supplies, we're planning to start bottling joshikosei
    menstrual fluid next year."

[Some people have entirely too much free time...and money,
evidently. --spaf] 


Date: Mon, 18 Sep 1995 14:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How many people do *you* know with a C function named after them ?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: Fred Read <Fred@foxhouse.demon.co.uk>
Newsgroups: alt.drugs
Subject: Re: Is it safe to order morning girlies from High Times?

In article <40i34h$eit@newsbf02.news.aol.com> izm420@aol.com "IZM 420"

> LSD is not made from seeds....IT is A CHEMICAL!
> made in a LAB...
> also everything you order from HIGH TIMES is brought to the attention
>                                ^^^^^^^^^^
> of the FBI!

Fred "And it formats your hard disk whenever you download it!" Read
Fred Read
How many people do *you* know with a C function named after them ?

From: Ron Fprintf <rfprintf@delta-air.com>
Newsgroups: alt.drugs
Subject: Re: Is it safe to order morning girlies from High Times?

Fred Read <Fred@foxhouse.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> How many people do *you* know with a C function named after them ?

Two, now.



Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 13:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It most certainly is.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Mr. Per Persson" <pp@solace.mh.se>
Forwarded-by: Benny Holmgren <benny@hgs.se>
From: bryon@jove.acs.unt.edu (Bryon Sutherland)

Everyone knows that the Rolling Stones agreed to license their
song "Start Me UP" to Microsoft (for Win95 promotion) for
$12,000,000, right?

I heard on MTV last night that MS first approached REM who
refused.  What song were they going to license from REM
anyway?  "It's the End of the World as We Know It"?


Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 12:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Jobs on Windows
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)

"The Mac has been dead in the water since 1985 in terms of its user
 interface.  And Windows is still a sort of caricature of the Mac.
 Windows 95 doesn't really get it.  The user interface is not very good."

 - personal computer pioneer Steve Jobs, on the inferior user interface
   of Microsoft's Windows software

"You think it's a conspiracy [by] the networks to put bad shows on TV.
 But the shows are bad because that's what people want.  It's not like
 Windows users don't have any power.  I think they are happy with
 Windows, and that's an incredibly depressing thought."

 - personal computer pioneer Steve Jobs compares bad television programs
   to bad user interfaces


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 12:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: briang@bari.Eng.Sun.COM (Brian Gordon)

Q: What's the difference between a DEC Rainbow and a bowling ball?
A: There's more software for the bowling ball.

Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: MIKE HALPERIN:pittsburgh

Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station
upon retirement from the NFL.  A vistor to town asked whether or not he
was sucessful.

    "Once someone buys gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else", 
a local told him.
    "Is the service that good?" asked the vistor.
    "No, not really", said the local.
    "Does he have the best price?"
    "No, about the same as everybody else."
    "Then the gas must be better!"
    "No, it's just regular gas." 
    "Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?" 
    "Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but 
Bronco Nagurski can get it back off."


Date: Thu, 14 Sep 95 00:24:06 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Logic 666
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: "Cantor,Steven" < stevenc@hevanet.com >
Subject: Logic 666

New York State Senator James Donovan, speaking in support of capital

       "Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen
	years with time off for good behavior?"


Date: Sat, 16 Sep 95 02:19:41 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Lowered Barn -- Re: TOURBUS Hijacked! (Bus Trip to Petville)
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: Marla Elliott <elliotma@elwha.evergreen.edu>

Additional Southern Words of the Day:

LOWERED BARN:  The great English poet of the early 19th century.


Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 15:10:01 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: modem abuse
To: spaf

------- Start of forwarded message -------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 09:27:42 -0400
From: John Robinson <jr@ksr.com>
To: silent-tristero

[Snipped from a copy forwarded via Phil Agre's Red Rock Eaters digest.]

  TCI is making some pretty outlandish demands on cable modem vendors. Deep 
inside the RFP detailing TCI's specs for the highspeed data boxes is a 
requirement that the modems be able to hold up while people are swearing at 
them. The RFP insists that the modems "shall withstand verbal attacks in 
the form of voiceband abuse," including but not limited to "shouting, 
obscenities and stressed-out anxiety speech patterns as tested on various 
composite voice frequencies comprising adult and adolescent male and female 
voice prints." In fact, the modems must still function while computer users 
are shouting at them up to 115 db, the "threshold of pain." Huh? Look more 
closely and the document continues that the requirement is included to 
ensure that vendors have actually read the document all the way through. "I 
haven't seen the responses," said Bruce Ravenel, COO of TCI Technology 
Ventures, who's especially looking forward to any tapes vendors send along.



Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 10:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More plan9 man pages
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>

    emacs - editor macros
    emacs [ options ]
    This page intentionally left blank.
    sam(1), vi(1)


Date: Mon, 18 Sep 95 15:28:50 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Nickname Alert -- Braulio
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu (Jennifer L Michael)

    BRASILIA, Brazil (AP) -- AIDS awareness ads showing a womanizer arguing
with his penis, nicknamed Braulio, were pulled from the airwaves Saturday
in part because children named Braulio were being teased.
    The children's mothers had complained of the teasing by schoolmates,
the newspaper Jornal do Brasil reported in Sunday's editions, quoting Health
Minister Adib Jatene.
    The Health Ministry's department for sexually transmitted diseases also
fielded at least 18 telephone calls from men named Braulio who were upset
about the use of their name, the daily newspaper O Globo said.
    Jatene ordered the TV and radio spots taken off the air Saturday until
a new nickname is chosen, TV Globo reported.
    The government will also review the spots this week to decide if they're
obscene, O Globo said.
    The ads, first aired on TV and radio on Thursday, feature a man at odds
with his penis, which insists on having indiscriminate sex with as many
women as possible without using a condom.
    Lair Guerra de Macedo, coordinator of the Health Ministry's AIDS
Prevention Program, told O Globo that Braulio's owner ``is the typical
Brazilian male who knows all about the disease but refuses to take any
preventive measures.''
    In one spot, Braulio's owner, played by a fully-clothed actor sitting
in a chair, has the following dialogue with Braulio:
	Braulio: ``This place is full of interesting women.''
	Owner: ``Behave yourself, Braulio.''
	Braulio: ``How do you expect me to behave with so many beautiful
	Owner: ``OK, but if you come out you're going to have to use a
	Braulio: ``OK, you win. But get the condom quickly because there's
this gorgeous woman staring at me.''
    The CBN all-news radio network said its Brasilia station got indignant
calls from relatives of Braulios concerned about jokes and improprieties.
    ``In a First World country, we'd be getting rich with a libel suit,''
said businessman Braulio Torres, 58, who told the daily Estado de Sao Paulo
he's been the brunt of jokes since the ads began. ``This is humiliating.''
    But why Braulio? The Health Ministry hired the Master polling agency in
the southern city of Curitiba to find out popular nicknames for the male
sex organ, newspapers reported. Among them were Anastacio, Bimbo, Tonho,
Petronio and Braulio.
    The other names reportedly were discarded for different reasons --
Petronio was too long, Bimbo too childish. Braulio was felt to be just


Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 15:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Now, that's what I call backup!
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: David C Lawrence <tale@uunet.uu.net>
From: Dave Katz <dkatz@cisco.com>

I'm reminded of the colorful description of the first time Enrico Fermi
fired up his first Atomic Pile in the squash court at the University of
Chicago.  The good Dr. Fermi carefully pulled out the control rods, while
watching his instruments, a tiny bit at a time, ready to slam the rods
back into the reactor at an instant.  As backup, several burly graduate
students stood on the balcony overlooking the Pile, ready to swing their
axes to cut the ropes holding the buckets of boron, to be dumped down into
the core to absorb neutrons in case the chain reaction started getting
out of hand.

[Hmm, this certainly conjures up some ways to add some extra tension
to thesis defenses...  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: NPR on Windows95
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Geoffrey S. Knauth" <gsk@marble.com>
Forwarded-by: Tom Schuneman <elf@harlequin.com>

NPR Commentary, August 24, 1995
James Fallows

        Everything about computers seems new, but the Windows95 phenomenon
is about as old as electricity. Its underlying principle is, Sell the
sizzle and not the steak. What Microsoft has achieved today is like what
Detroit's automakers pulled off thirty years ago, back in their era of
world dominance, as they unveiled each year's new cars.

        Each spring and summer in those days, newspapers and magazines
would speculate on what the new Ford Fairlane or Chevy Impala might look
like. In the fall, just before release date, dealers would cover their
showroom windows with paper -- and then, on that wonderful first night,
searchlights would rake the sky, the paper would be ripped off the windows,
and you could join the crowds to see and touch the 1963 LeBaron.

        In retrospect it was all a charming hoax. The cars were pretty much
the same each year -- bigger fins, different sheet metal -- and the real
achievement was the collaboration between business and media in making the
model change-over a riveting news event.

        It takes me back to those innocent boyhood days -- with Sandy
Koufax on the pitcher's mound, and the sporty Falcon in the dealer's window
-- to witness the spectacle of Windows95. Two groups of people watch the
mounting frenzy with astonishment.  One is the tribe of Macintosh users, who
hear about Win95's marvelous new convenience and know that they've had the
same, and more, for the last ten years. The other group includes users of
the OS/2 Warp operating system from IBM, which for at least three years has
had much stronger technical features than those in Windows95. In automotive
terms, the Mac users are like Ferrari or MG drivers, the OS/2 crowd is like
owners of some tightly-engineered German machine, and both are watching in
dumbfounded admiration as this Buick Skylark, this Windows95 draws the
spotlights in the sky.

        Windows95 is a historic feat, but it is an achievement of commerce
and promotion rather than of technology. The groups whose lives will be
different because of it are software companies, who have a new standard for
upgrades; hardware companies, since Win95 demands more memory and disk
space; and of course Microsoft itself. A generation from now we will
marvel, as with yesteryear's autos, not at the ingenuity that went into the
product but that of the salesmanship, which has included getting the press
to beat the drum for this new software as it once did for new cars.

        Americans often think of themselves as a nation of innovators or
tinkerers, but long ago the world saw us as a nation of salesman. With
Windows95 we are returning to our roots.


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

 Here's my new motto for the Hemlock Society: "Give me euthanasia,
 or give me death!"

 - Paul Di Filippo, author of the recently-released, well-received
   book, THE STEAMPUNK TRILOGY.  The Hemlock Society is a euthanasia
   support group.

    Submitted by:   swami!andy (Andy Watson)
                    Jun. 7, 1995


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 18:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Read it Sam, read it again.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>

The August 26 issue of `The Economist', pg. 87, reports statistical
confirmation of something we already knew about Hollywood -- it's
full of idiots.  It seems that 217 agents were send the script of an
existing film.  They were asked to consider it, and were not told
it was the script of an existing movie.  87 of the 217 responded.  Of
those, only four liked it.  41 turned it down.  Eight said it sounded
familiar, but couldn't place it.  Barely a third recognised it.

The film?  Casablanca.


Date: Fri, 15 Sep 95 02:54:39 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: Rush Limbaugh and the Pig
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: Ninafel@aol.com
Forwarded-by: ellie@sybase.com (Ellie Lief)

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front
door and was let in.  He was in there for what seemed hours.  When he came
out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his
wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,"
explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?"  Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just killed the pig."


Date: Thu, 14 Sep 1995 19:01:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Gary Ross <gdr@hooked.net>
Subject: Seen this already? (fwd)
To: spaf

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 95 18:48:51 PDT
From: Steven Sargent <sbs@frame.com>
Subject: Seen this already?

> About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission
> took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo
> Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks
> and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full
> Lunar spacesuits.
> Near by, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange
> creatures walk about occasionally being tended by personnel. The two
> Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since
> the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange
> creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men
> that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited
> and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
> The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a
> tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son
> to translate. His son would not.
> Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and
> every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
> Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message, "Watch out
> for these guys, they come to take your land."
> --Charles Phillip Whitedog, Ojibway and Network Manager Multimission
> Ground Systems Office (Mission Control), Jet Propulsion Laboratory,


Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 08:35:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Technology can be such a challenge.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cgw <cgw@tristero.io.com>
From: Brian Koehmstedt <bpk@kern.com>

	At work today some guy brought in a CDROM drive and said it wasn't
working.  We said alright, and that we'd try to fix it.

	So after the guy leaves we start looking at the machine, making
sure all the cables and everything's connected.

	After a few minutes we take a peak in the CDROM drive.  We see
some yellow at the bottom.  We take a small screw driver, yank the thing
out, and sure enough, it was a yellow 1.44 floppy disk.

	And to complete the story, it was a Windows 95 DEMO floppy.

	*sigh*  Some people just don't deserve to live.


Date: Thu, 14 Sep 1995 11:05:05 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: That's a reason.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: John Breakwell <johnbrea@microsoft.com>

We couldn't really write songs about cars and girls because we
had no girlfriends and no cars.
		-- Musician Johnny Ramone, of punk band The Ramones


Date: Tue, 12 Sep 95 19:59:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: The Elephant and the Plastic Surgeon
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net

Forwarded-by: lanih@info.SIMS.Berkeley.EDU (Lani Herrmann)
Forwarded-by: jmichael@sas.upenn.edu
[Mildly edited by me -- psl]

	Three men were on safari in Africa one day when an elephant came
running out of the bushes and trampled the three men, but not before they
managed to shoot it.
	A plastic surgeon just happened to be passing by in a helicopter
and saw the carnage. He thought that maybe he could do something, and landed
near the men.
	The first guy was in pretty bad shape. He was missing a piece of
bone in his forehead. So the surgeon chopped off part of the elephant's
tusk, put it in the guy's head, and sewed him up.
	The second guy was a little worse.  His skin was ripped up and
torn off, especially around his neck and face.  So the surgeon sliced
some skin off of the elephant and sewed it on his second patient.
	The third guy was the worst.  The elephant had, while trampling
him, ripped off his penis.  So the surgeon cut off the end of the
elephant's trunk and sewed it on the guy as a replacement.
	The surgeon then ran into his helicopter and took off, hoping
his patients wouldn't remember him and try to sue him.
	Three years later, the plastic surgeon walked into a bar and saw
the three guys, looking pretty good.  He decided to approach them and ask
how they were doing.
	He said, "Hey,aren't you the three guys that got trampled by that
elephant?  How are you doing these days?"
	The first guy responded, "Man, I'm great. I feel wonderful, and you
wouldn't believe how much my memory has improved. I mean, I can look at a
page once and recite it word for word back to you."
	The surgeon nodded and looked happy that at least one person
wouuldn't want to sue him.  He turned to the second guy and said, "You okay?
I heard your skin got ripped up pretty bad."
	"Yeah," said the guy, " but it's better than new now.  My skin's
so tough you could punch me and I would barely feel it.  Yeah, I'm a big
prizefighter now.  I'm going for the heavyweight championship."
	That's two who won't sue, thought the surgeon.  He asked the third
guy how he was doing.
	"I'm doin real good, man," the third guy replied.  "Got a great sex
life, but there's just this one problem..."
	The surgeon got nervous at this point and hoped that it wasn't a bad
problem.  "What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
	"Well," said the guy, "whenever they start passing out peanuts at a
party, I always get thrown out."


Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 00:14:53 GMT
From: kludge@netcom.com (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: The Lesser Gods: Kludge
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre

Were it not for the lesser gods, the Greater gods would never be able to
keep the copier working.


Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 11:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The non-stop Geraldo episodes?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
From: jennyg@titan.ucs.umass.edu (Jenny)

The fine folks at Cliff Notes have put out a notes on _No_Exit_, a play
which is maybe ten pages long, and therefore capable of being read (if
not understood) by most H.S. sophomores on a half hour bus ride.  One of
the insightful comments in the Notes is that "Sartre emphasizes the dark,
dreary, depressing side of Hell."

As opposed to what?!?  The great nightlife?  Eternal Damnation: A
Light-Hearted Look?


Date: Mon, 18 Sep 1995 22:50:32 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: the perfect holiday gift
To: spaf

[fwd deleted]

>From: Ray Botelho <rayb@dingo.sr.hp.com>
>To: The List <echoes@fawnya.tcs.com>

> They finally did it; they cut him into little pieces.  And according 
> to a mail-order catalog ad I'm looking at, for 30 bucks, you can see
> color JPEGs of each li'l piece.  

>  "The Visual Man CD ROM contains over 1800 cross-section images of a 
>   male body.  To obtain these images, the body of an executed murderer
>   was embedded in gelatin, frozen, sliced crosswise into more than 
>   1800 [1-]millimeter [thick] slices, then digitally photographed..." 

> Man, some people have the coolest jobs, huh?  8@\ 

> I wonder if they played OOTD while they were doing this. 


Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 19:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Things that make you go hmmm...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com

From: "Bruce A. Mah" <bmah@tenet.CS.Berkeley.EDU>

I saw a USENET post about this, and just *had* to see this for myself:


tenet:bmah% /usr/ucb/telnet www.windows.microsoft.com
Connected to www.windows.microsoft.com.
Escape character is '^]'.

BSDI BSD/OS 2.0 (wl7.windows.microsoft.com) (ttyp1)





Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 15:13:47 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: tom swifties
To: spaf

------- Start of forwarded message -------
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 13:05:59 -0400
To: silent-tristero
From: alms@cambridge.apple.com (Andrew LM Shalit)
Subject: Some Tom Swifties

["I don't know where these came from," said Tom forwardly.]

["Sorry if these have already been sent to the list," said Tom repeatedly.]

>"I just ate all this hay," said Tom, balefully.
>"I just ate all those beans," said Tom astutely.
>"This rocket came from outer space," Tom said exorbitantly.
>"I need a flower for my lapel," said Tom lackadasically.
>"Look under the green Jell-O," Tom said, sublimely.
>"I'm experimenting with homosexuality," said Tom, half in earnest.

------- End of forwarded message -------


Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 13:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, it *is* an interesting domain name...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: jim@reptiles.org (Jim Mercer)

guana.reptiles.org% nslookup 
Default Server:  iguana.reptiles.org

Server:  iguana.reptiles.org

Name:    who.the.fuck.wants.to.buy.from.micros0ft.com


Date: Sat, 16 Sep 1995 23:42:49 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Whither the deadheads?
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)

|Brian Franzen <lupin@staff.cc.purdue.edu> (friend of yours, spaf?) wrote:
|>	What are all of the dead-followers going to do now?
|>Where are they to go?  Have you people no sympathy nor remorse?  Take them
|>into your homes, give them clothing, jobs, help them re-renter society.
|>What a mess...

It's been tried.  In 1974, when the Bee Gees
re-emerged from their sultry underground hive
to snatch Top 40 Radio back from the jaws of
Rock, when Disco Fever swept the USA (survivors:
none known), humongous federal grants were
awarded, primarily by the grace of Ted "Kiss
my Insufficiently Bouyant Auto" Kennedy, to a
handful of homes in the USA for just this
purpose.  Clothing, shelter, vehicles, food,
jobs and loving families were provided.

All of the participating Deadheads died.  Of
shock.  Within a week.  The program was defunded,
and Ted Kennedy was laughed at on Nightline.

Not that any of this implies failure, mind you.


Date: Wed, 20 Sep 1995 16:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why do we stand in line for Win95?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: "Geoffrey S. Knauth" <gsk@marble.com>

> From: Tom Schuneman <elf@harlequin.com>

Why do people line up at midnight to buy software? -- This is Dave Ross
on the CBS radio network.

Let's analyze this for a moment.  Why do thousand of well-educated
middle-class people all across America stand behind police tape to be
the first to get a piece of software?

Was it because Bill Gates bought out the entire run of the London
(wrong answer beep - Naaaap!)

Was it because the Empire State Building was lit with Microsoft corporate
colors? (Naaaap!)

Was it the huge floating barge in Sydney harbor with the 40 foot high
Windoz 95 logo? (Naaaap!)


First this was not the most hyped event of all times. The Napoleonic wars
was much bigger. No, the real reason this computer program has created
such a response; the real reason decent God fearing computer users would
leave there homes and line up to buy software at midnight is because these
are people whose computers have never worked right!!! These are people
who have spent three thousand dollars an a machine that has been driving
them nuts! If your PC was working fine -- would you get in line at midnight
to buy something that turns into an Apple Macintosh?! No! But when you
spend three thousand dollars on something that's been giving you a
headache for the last three years -- eighty nine buck for the aspirin is
cheap therapy -- if it works of course!


Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 17:31:20 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: X for dummies
To: spaf

>From: beinfang@ix.netcom.com (Jim Porter )
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,brown.bboard.stupid
>Subject: Re: Short Shameful Observation
>Date: 13 Sep 1995 02:34:07 GMT

In <4357cg$mt4@cocoa.brown.edu> ST102315@brownvm.brown.edu (Jake)

[sighting of "Sex for Dummies" book]
>I apologize to those for whom this is not news.  I, for one, see it
>as a sign that the apocalypse is nigh.

    "Is anyone sitting here?"
    I looked up and gazed into the eyes of the most beautiful girl in
the world. "Uh, no," I said, and gestured to the chair.
    She laid her book on the table and sat down, smiling.
    "Ah!" I said, catching sight of her book. "Marxism for Dummies!"
    "Have you read it?" she asked.
    "No, but I'm a big fan of the 'For Dummies' series."
    "I see," she said. "So what are you reading?"
    "Oh, uh," I coughed, "nothing really." I glanced at page 72, then
looked her right in the eye and said, "So do you come here often..." I
glanced at page 73, and continued, "Baby?"


End of Yucks Digest